Antonio Bastardo

Grey

Closer Look

| Closers | 293 Comments

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Joakim Soria went from being a $12 Salad to a Donkeycorn to a Brain Freeze back to a Donkeycorn to off the list completely in 12 short months.  And if this is the first post you’ve ever read at Razzball, I probably lost you by the eighth word.  Later!  In Soria’s wake is Broxton and Holland, who together can be called Hamsterdam.  In other “Saves give me serious agita” news is Ryan Madson.  He went from a donkeycorn to off the list.  Donkeycorns are dropping like flies!  Then there’s Drew Storen.  He was touch ‘n go there for a day or two… Okay, for about a week or two, but it seems like he could be okay.  Yet, he’s starting the year on the DL.  Terrific.  Since our last Closer Look, Beane told us Balfour got the closer job in Oakland and Chris Perez got the job back from Pestano, which has the Italian American Anti-Defamation League up in arms, but that’s the norm for them since they talk with their hands.  Finally, Carlos Marmol had some nerve issues with his hand that many Razzball commenters opined was from too much internet porn surfing.  Sounds like someone is empathizing.  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Smokey

Hold Me Now

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball Draft | 36 Comments

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As I awake from my winter hibernation where dreams of twins named Thompson abounded, I realize the time is neigh to learn you all about the potential holds fantasy standouts for the upcoming year. Anyone that knows me knows I love relief pitching, come into my apartment you will see embroidered pillows with my favorite relievers over the years stitched in effigy.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Closers | 55 Comments

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Since our last Closer Look, we’ve had some comings and goings.  One coming was Pestano, who last year said Eataly should give out free pizza toppings if you’re wearing Crocs.  With Chris Perez going down for 4 to 6 weeks with the ever-mysterious oblique injury, Pestano should see some saves into the beginning of the year.  Double negatives aside, I wouldn’t not draft Perez.  He should resume the closer job once he returns because the Indians are committed to him, in the same way Courtney Love should be committed.  Another coming was Brett Myers, who will take over the Astros closing job.  If you grab Myers at a draft, you’re gonna get beat up.  Not speaking metaphorically.  If you draft Myers, you should be fine for 25ish saves.  Another bit of closer news pertains to Brian Fuentes and Grant Balfour.  The A’s are saying Fuentes and Balfour are both up for the closer job.  Balfour is the better option, but clubs don’t always go with the best option.  (Actually, the best option would be Faustino De Los Santos, but he’s not going to be the closer right out of the gate.)  I’d draft Fuentes and Balfour (and FDLS in very deep leagues, an acronym that sounds like a dyslexic branch of Latter-Day Saints).  Finally, Javy Guerra was announced the closer to start the season by Don Mattingly, who lost all common sense once he shaved his mustache, which is not a coincidence.  Guerra could be the closer for the whole season while having one of the best middle men behind him, kind of how Marmol used to work that role.  Or Guerra could blow three saves in April and Jansen will be the closer by April 20th.  I think there’s a 50/50 chance either scenario happens.  I’d draft both.  If Jansen goes to the bullpen, maybe the free time will allow Kenley an opportunity to think about designing with something other than polka dots and prove she deserved to be a Project Runway All-Star (hey, four girl readers, who loves you?).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Top 20 Middle Relievers for 2012 Fantasy Baseball

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball Draft, 2012 Fantasy Baseball Rankings | 66 Comments

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The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are just about in the bag, but first we look at the top 20 middle relievers for 2012 fantasy baseball.  No, next we’re not going to do the Top 20 Guys Who Will Have The Most Balks.  Chillax.  The only people that seem to pay attention to middle relievers are those that play in a Holds league.  That’s wrong, I tell ya.  A great way to balance out your ratios is by carrying a few middle relievers on your staff.  (BTW, Ron Jeremy can carry three middle relievers on his staff.)  Say you had Francisco Liriano last year and he mistook your team’s ERA for his toilet, but you also had Jonny Venters.  With just Liriano, you had the 5.09 ERA dump to clean up.  With Venters and his brand new toilet brush, you had a 3.81 ERA.  If you also carried Tyler Clippard, you had a combined 3.24 ERA.  Not to mention, you had 5 vulture saves.  9 junky wins.  8 maids o’ milking.  7 Gary Matthews Jr.’s leaping.  Oh, and your WHIP went from Liriano’s 1.49 to 1.19 and had an additional 200 Ks.  Okay, school’s out, Alice Cooper.  Now, with that said — yes, I pulled out the “with that said” — this middle men post is for 5×5 leagues where you want to handcuff your closer to potentially snag some saves and get good ratios.  I projected Holds for these guys, but they are not the top 20 Holds guys.  They are the most valuable when you consider vulture saves, Ks and ratios.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 middle relievers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball Draft, 2012 Fantasy Baseball Rankings | 72 Comments

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On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning!  Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation.  You were a melancholy soul.  But now you’re happy — yay.  It’s still Monday funday!  There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures.  Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures.  Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved.  A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| Closers | 104 Comments

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Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season.  Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them.  The sadness!  The grief!  The inconsequence of it all!  Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related.  I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him.  Just look up.  Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.)  Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September.  Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap.  Huston Street got hurt — shocker!  Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive.  Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security.  He’s the Teflon Closer.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| Closers | 75 Comments

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I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!”  Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.”  Then I was like, “What is “the haps?”  The happenings?  Then say that.  And ‘in Toto?’  Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?’”  It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product.  Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes.  Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Niemann Mark As A Buy

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 214 Comments

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Jeff Niemann has always been a sell in your eyes.  The light, the heat… Your eyes.  The low K-rate, the walks… Your eyes.  The luck with homers per fly balls, the tough division… Your eyes.  So why am I saying Niemann’s a buy?  Am I sniffing the devil’s dandruff and just need to talk while I rub my gums?  Am I going through my blue period filled with self-loathing and blueberries?  Nay, horsey.  Niemann’s cut his walks, hasn’t been getting lucky this year and his low K-rate is still low.  Okay, so it’s not all peaches and cream.  But the Rays are also about to go against the A’s, M’s (or the AM’s as in their bats are asleep) and peasant Royals for a few weeks.  He might get the Blue Jays in the middle of that run, but you can pay that bridge toll when you get an E-Z Pass, or whatever that cliche is.  I’m not Niemann’s biggest fan, but for the next month he should look good… In your eyes.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Phil Hughes – Actually pretty surprised all that Noo Yawk hype hasn’t raised Hughes over the 50% ownership mark.  Ya’ll must be still basking in your dirty water dogs and Jeter’s 3,000 hit.  “During Jeter’s tremendous accomplishment, when no one was looking, I chipped off a piece of the Pesci pole.  Now it’s framed above the coke spoon I used with Dale Berra.”

James McDonald – Some smarter-than-thou commenter pointed out to me that McDonald has 23 Ks in his last 24 1/3 innings while lowering his ERA from 4.86 to 4.15 in the last month.  We have the best commenters (except Lance Berkman; he only wants to talk about himself).

Please, blog, may I have some more?