Fantasy Baseball Advice

Jason Bay has been terrible.  Like Don Mattingly’s wife in a mugshot terrible.  In June, J-Bay hit .230 and 4 homers, but he was hitting the cover off the ball in June compared to July.  In July, he’s hitting .203 with 1 homer.  This month Garrett Jones has hit more homers during REM sleep.  The optimist in me says Bay will hit 15 homers and .300 the rest of the way with ten steals.  The pessimist in me thinks he’ll be benched in favor of Chris Duncan.  The realist looks at all of his splits and sees a guy that has been consistent throughout his career, minus a season (2007) when he was battling knee problems.  The surrealist in me thinks Bay will hit a line drive up the middle that will ricochet off the pitcher and shoot to the 1st baseman who will smack the ball into center, then the ball will slowly roll back towards the infield until God tilts the field and the ball rolls towards the 3rd baseman, but God tilts too far and the field freezes causing the ball to roll back towards the catcher.  In all likelihood, Bay’s 2nd half should be somewhere in the realist realm (though it would be cool if the surrealist was spot-on).  I think Bay can give you 10+ homers, .280 average and a handful of steals.  Right now, I’m actively trying to acquire him in one league.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – Back to the DL.  In related news, George Sherrill was an All-Star in 2008, Adam Jones in 2009 and Chris Tillman is about to be called up.

Ted Lilly – After he was rocked by the Phils, I said he might end up on the DL.  Lo and behold, voilà, alas, see that, told ya so, etc.  Lilly’s now on the DL.  Will miss about a month.

Kevin Millwood – Left after two innings because of tightness in his glutes.  That never bothered Richard Simmons.

Chad Gaudin/John Lannan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners and 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, respectively, with two no decisions.  Watching the Nats and Padres really tested my love for baseball.  I don’t want to test fate for the off chance Tom Paciorek is rehired, but listening to Bob Carpenter and Dibble is like sitting next to Ted Striker on an airplane.

Ryan Zimmerman – Since May when he hit .342, he’s hitting .238 with 5 homers and nary a steal.  This guy has 9 homers and is batting .260.  This guy is Kevin Kouzmanoff.

Everth Cabrera – It was about five games ago, I said I’m selling back all of my old EverCab CDs at Amoeba, now he has 4 straight games with a steal.  SAGNOF!

Kyle Blanks – HR yesterday.  Rudy’s pride and joy now has three homers in the last week (while batting about .240).

Daric Barton – 2-for-4, after he finally did something he left the game with a hamstring strain.  If he were a bigger name, he could have had the lead with the title, Barton Fink.

Dallas Braden – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER and 16 baserunners.  I sat him in The Jetstream.  I’m going to give him his next start vs. the Blue Jays at home.  If that doesn’t work out, then bye-bye Braden.

Brett Gardner – Headed to the DL with a broken left thumb.  So much for the Fonzie impersonations.

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Sticking with the newly-established Brett theme, Cecil now has three solid starts in a row and gets Oakland next.

Joe Blanton – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  Now has a 2.55 ERA through the last two months.  I’ve been starting him everywhere for the last three weeks in a 12 team league.  I’d own him in a 10 team league at this point.

Julio Lugo – Batting .571 since the trade to the Cards and has a homer and a steal.  Lugo wouldn’t be the first middle infielder lemon that LaRussa turned into lemonade.

John Smoltz – 5 IP, 6 ER.  I know he had a lot of great years.  But your nostalgia is hurting you like when you sneak off into your attic and look at photos of you with your one true love.  Burn the photos, man.  She’s married with kids.

Nolan Reimold – .417 and three steals since The Break.  No idea where this newfound speed is coming from, but he’s capable of a few week streak where he’s ownable in all leagues.

Kelly Johnson – 3-for-4, HR and steal yesterday.  Whatever Yunel was drinking last week, Johnson seems like he’s bogarting it now.

Jason Schmidt – 3 IP, 4 ER.  Yup, sounds about right.

Russell Martin – Hit his third homer yesterday.  He would be leading the league if this were April 7th.

Anthony Swarzak – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Seth Smith – 1-for-2, 1 steal.  After being declared the starting left fielder, he didn’t get the start Friday or Saturday.  Obviously Jim Tracy put starting in quotes.

Aaron Cook – 7 IP, 2 ER and the Win.  The third starter I had going yesterday in my crapfecta of pitchers (the other two were Lannan and Gaudin).  As I’ve said (numerous times) before, there is so much pitching out there you don’t have to have the exciting names (Liriano, Ervin Santana, Smoltz, Porcello, any number of rookie pitchers) to be competitive in pitching.  Boring works too.

Justin Morneau – 2 HRs yesterday as he makes his case for MVP.  Judge Grey presiding in the case of Morneau versus the AL field.  Without the runs and A-Rod hanging with Madge, what do you got?  A sucka in a uniform callin’ his shot…

Ervin Santana – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  He’s mocking you now.  You took the flier; it didn’t work.  Let him go.  You’ll feel much better when he’s doing this to someone else’s team.

Gerardo Parra – Rico Suave’s mocking me now.  I held him for so long in a deep league.  Since I dropped him last week (4 games ago), 2 homers, 7 RBIs, 4 Runs and one steal.

Tony Pena Jr. – To go reverse Ankiel on us and become a pitcher.  If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em…

Travis Hafner is coming back.  We’re picking him up for our UTIL slot right now…in our 40 team mixed league.  Brett Myers, who has been a marginal mixed league starter since returning from a bullpen stint 2 years back, may be out for the year with the latest – or should we say hippest – new injury….the torn labrum in the hip.  It’s the new oblique.  We had him on the risky list this year, but thought his elbow would be the first to go after throwing so many sliders last year.  If any Phillie pitcher was going to get a new hip, we would’ve bet Jamie Moyer.  (Incidentally, he’s also first on our list of most likely Phillie pitchers to get a new gall bladder.)  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – [sarcasm] Huge game for Grady as he went 1-for-3 with no runs or RBIs or steals.  Watch out now! [/sarcasm]

Clete Thomas – Batted leadoff for the Tigers yesterday.  I’ve figured out Jim Leyland’s master plan!  Anderson had been leading off, but he’s the left fielder and he sat out.  So Clete Thomas was the left fielder yesterday so he led off.  When Clete Thomas was the right fielder, he batted third.  Leyland’s got the positions written on his lineup card and only enough Liquid Paper to change names.  Mystery solved!

Anthony Swarzak – This guy sounds like a guy everyone went to high school with (Dude, did you hear Swarzak bought a Camaro?!) but he’s in fact another intriguing young Twins starter after 2 solid starts in a row… Well, until you look at his AAA and MLB K totals. 6.5 K/9 in AAA and 6 Ks in 2 starts sounds a lot like Glen Perkins Jr.  Avoid him in mixed leagues.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 2 ER. In the 8th inning, he twisted his ankle and fell.  I began to weep.  He got up and finished the inning (giving up a run).  He looked like he’ll be okay though.  Godspeed, Danny!

Ryan Roberts – I swear every time Daron Sutton says his name, I say to myself, “Brian Roberts was finally traded to a different team?”  Anyway, forget Ryan Roberts, he’s 29.  But that’s what they said about Junior Spivey!

Randy Wells – 4 major league starts now and 4 solid (albeit winless) starts.  Nearly a K an inning and a 1.80 ERA / 1.16 WHIP. He spent the last 2 1/2 years hanging in the Cubs AAA with our pal, IowaCubs, alternating between starting and relieving.  If you’re in an NL-league, hope for a Dempster ride.  In mixed leagues, avoid the Dumpster dive.

David Hernandez – The 4th Baltimore rookie pitcher this year to win his first major league start.  We’re naturally weary of any Orioles starter, but Hernandez warrants monitoring.  His minor-league K rate is very impressive — over 10 in the past two years in A and AA and 12.5 K/9 (!) in AAA this year.  He’s also had some control issues in the minors which extended to his first start (4 walks in 5 IP).  He’s not a top prospect, but neither was Daniel Cabrera and look how well…oh, right….

Luke Scott – 2 HRs yesterday.  Ring, ring… Who’s there?  Cheap power.  Hey, c’mon in, you want a seltzer?

Nolan Reimold – HR yesterday.  Oh, and, um, PICKUP REIMOLD!!! (Caps and heavy hand on the exclamation marks for emphasis and people reading over your shoulder.)

Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 with 2 steals, while he batted eighth yesterday.  Torre said he would’ve batted him ninth but he didn’t like how Wolf matched up with Wells.

Derrek Lee – We had a rare D-Lee sighting last night as he went 2-for-4.  He hit two warning track fly outs too.  I’m not paying to see if this is a start of something, but if you own him, it might be.   Cross your fingers.  But cross two you don’t use much like the pinkie and ring.  Leave the middle one free in case D-Lee comes down with another case of sucking.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 2 ER, has a 1.80 ERA on the season and 64 Ks in just over 76 innings.  No, his ERA won’t stay there, but he could give a 3.50.  Pays to go with the boring guys sometimes.  Oh, and we were just about to see the Wolf take on the Fox when Troncosco relieved Wolf.  This would’ve been the first time we had an all-animal matchup since Paul Byrd threw a tennis ball to his schnauzer, Daisy.