Fantasy Baseball Advice

Aaron Hill and John McDonald were traded to the Diamondbacks for Kelly Johnson.  Regarding the title, each team got to 2nd base with the other.  Nothing to brag about, nothing for the rest of us to get jealous over.  I guess this is what happens when Alex Anthopoulos and Kevin Towers lock themselves in a closet for 7 minutes of trading heaven.  “Can you throw in J.P. Arencibia?”  “What kind of GM do you think I am?”  Maybe Florida and Seattle will trade John Buck for Miguel Olivo.    I’ll trade you this tomato.  Okay, I’ll trade you a tomahto.  Deal.  Sure, I’m taking an extra h on the payroll, but it’s worth it to get that shorter vowel sound into our lineup.  You say tomato, I say tomahto, let’s call the whole deal….on!  This proves one thing, without a doubt, neither team owned Hill or Johnson in fantasy this year.  If this trade happened in one of your fantasy leagues, you’d just be glad you weren’t one of the teams doing the trading.  Neither player is guaranteed to get a boost with the trade and either player could get knocked out of their slump with the new scenery.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Monday night he had to have a trainer remove a moth from his ear.  They should try and put a moth in Zambrano’s ear.  Maybe they’ll find a bat.

Alex Rodriguez – Out of yesterday’s lineup with a jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up while your feet are stompin’ and the jam is pumpin’, look here the crowd is jumpin’.  Sorry, once I start that it’s hard to stop.

Ryan Howard – Out with heel bursitis and the Phils are officially in cruise control mode.  Speaking of which…

Cole Hamels – Reports are that he’s absolutely fine for next week’s start so the Phils put him on the DL in media res.  I’m a broken record with this, if the kids today even know what a record is or what it means to be broken, but how come there’s no rules that you can’t put healthy people on the DL.  Seems like a shortcut at expanding the roster that shouldn’t be allowed.  Now get off my lawn, kid!

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Fair enough, I wouldn’t care about DL’ing healthy Hamels with this kind of depth either.

Raul Ibanez – Received an injection for a sore groin.  Sounds like a line a doctor would deliver in a porn movie.

John Mayberry – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and now has three homers in the last five games.  Even when Ibanez’s groin is better (something you don’t read every day), Mayberry should be starting.  That’s not saying he will be.  In the meanwhile, I would add Mayberry in most leagues while he’s hitting-slash-playing-slash-I just like saying slash.

Colby Rasmus – Left the game with a jammed wrist.  Somewhere, Tony La Russa’s laughing like Nelson Muntz.

Brandon Morrow – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Royals.  FMFBBL

Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-8, 2 homers in the doubleheader and his 3rd homer in three days as he bats over .400 since his return from the DL.  He’s hotter than a kimchi burrito in Megan Fox’s hand.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-8 with a homer.  He’s on my opponent’s H2H team and said Fukutome.

Kyle Seager – 6-for-9 and a homer in the doubleheader.  Be a good time to mention that the starters in the second game were both peg boys.  Either way, Seager has 2 homers in the last five games, but didn’t show much power in the high minors.  I’d let Seager go.  Like a rock.

Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He bounced up and down the minors for so long it was like teams were playing Marco…Yo-Yo…  But if you need to take a flyer, he’s a hot hand.

Casey McGehee – Two for his last nine with two homers.  This guy’s like Rich Little impersonating Rob Deer.  And there goes our 18-35 demographic.

Justin Upton – Hit on the elbow by a pitch and left the game.  It’s said to not be too bad.  This is a day after B.J. went down with a shoulder sprain.  Aren’t these things only supposed to happen to twins?

Brandon Allen – 2-for-4 with 2 monster shots.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2 said yesterday, “Brandon Allen just put a monster shot into the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, only the second ball to reach there since it opened. Branyan hit the other…. Which isn’t quite the same as ‘where only Mickey Mantle has ever reached.’”

Logan Morrison – With a .167 average and one homer in Triple-A, the Marlins had seen enough and are recalling Morrison.  Couldn’t they just have easily put a bar of soap in his mouth while he tweeted?  If Morrison was dropped in your league, I’d take a chance that he comes back looking to prove something.  One thing to prove, for instance, that Hanley shouldn’t run the ball club.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and the epic blown save.  This is the kind blown save that makes managers try out Edward Mujica as their closer.  Also, remember Nunez was funky as in bad not funky as in good at the end of last season.

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Might want to consider returning to making straight-to-video classics like ‘Dorf on Golf.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  A-gone-gone a-bout time-time.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, with the slam & legs.  In only 385 at-bats so far, he has 11 homers and 7 steals.  This is at the age of 21.  I.e. big things.  I.e. there stands for I expect.

Tommy Hanson – Quite the surprise; Hanson’s bullpen session was cancelled a day after he said his shoulder was fine.  Yup.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a homer as he fills in for Constanza…Or was Constanza filling in for him?  This is the most confusing re-imagining of All About Eve.

Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-4 and a homer.  The power may stop when he leaves Coors, but he’s worth a flyer for speed in deep leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 5-for-5 with a double and 4 singles to match David Eckstein’s best game.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Was acquired by the Rockies for cash.  “Here’s a McDonaldland coupon for two apple pies.  You can CONSIDER it as cash.”

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as Price got topped by Penny to lose the Showcase Showdown.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5 with a caught stealing.  Not cute moving the base 91 feet away.  Not cute at all.

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully Vogelsong doesn’t take this guy’s career trajectory two years removed from Japan.

Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks and, better still, he didn’t kill anyone.

Adam Jones – Was hospitalized with shortness of breath and mild chest pains.  Sounds like me after a weekend in Vegas.  Early tests say Jones will be fine.

Rod Barajas – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and now has 3 homers since last Friday.  Aye carambarajas!

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, homer.  Know one way to stay hot while unattractive in mixed leagues?  Go 1-for-4 with a homer every couple of games.

Jon Niese – To the DL with a rib strain.  After giving up 8 runs, it’s more like the Phils gave him an RBI strain.

Jose Reyes – Set to return Monday.  Though the Mets didn’t say which Monday.  Very tricky, Mets, very tricky.

Angel Pagan – Almost went to the DL because of stomach pains during Monday’s game.  “You’re hitting out of the two hole.  Hitting!”

Jason Heyward sat again yesterday in favor of Jose Constanza.  I don’t want to shout fire in the theater of Razzball, but this isn’t good.  Constanza is making Heyward look like the best seller at the jerk store.  Actually, Heyward was kinda doing it to himself.  This year he has 12 homers and a .222 average.  Laynce Nix called and said he’s doing better.  I think Heyward’s still dealing with shoulder issues and “You got on the wrong side of Glass Chipper” issues.  Heyward can still be a star as soon as next year, but, for this year in redraft leagues, you need to start thinking like Big Boi and back up the back up plans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Huston Street – Street’s closed, Rockies used alternative route to save the game with Rafael Betancourt.  Street’s soreness isn’t said to be serious enough for a DL stint, but Street’s been known to laugh in the face of ‘not serious enough for a DL stint.’  Since Lindstrom is out too, I’d grab Betancourt for potential vulturing.  If you need a dinette set, go with Rex Brothers.

Angel Pagan – Now has back-to-back games with a homer as he hits leadoff in Reyes’s stead.  Dan Brown’s newest book, Angel & Pagans, tracking Mr. Met to the Vatican may start to gain some believers.

Kyle Blanks – 2-for-4 yesterday and has two hits in each of the last five games, including two homers.  That all coincides with the Padres being on the road.  Hey, Ray Kroc Jr. Jr., when a 375 lbs. power hitter is intimidated by your home park, it’s time to move in the fences.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4 as Jesus continues to do everything but walk on water.  Though it’s only Wednesday.

Orlando Hudson – Left the game with a strained left groin.  Hehe, he has two groins.

J.D. Martinez – Hit his 4th homer in his last six games.  Legally I’m required to tell you I don’t think he’ll keep it up, but now it’s time to give J.D. his trial run.

Adam Dunn – Says he will alter his offseason training for next year.  This obviously means he’ll limit his axe swinging, so rejoice tree huggers!

Justin Morneau – Should return next Monday, which will forever be known as Mornday.

Carlos Beltran – Out a few days with a sprained wrist.  If he had a strained groin with his sprained wrist, I wouldn’t shake his hand.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, moving his record to 7-11.  Oh, thank heaven!

Dee Gordon – Left yesterday’s game with a sore right shoulder.  Here’s hoping his middle initial isn’t L.

Justin Smoak – Out with a jammed thumb.  He’s hitting .179 since the All-Star break.  Smoak’s cooking with liquid nitrogen!

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he faced Alexi Ogando (2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners) which was billed by ESPN as The Battle of the Tiring Young Pitcher.  Mark Prior threw out the first pitch.  Well, he rolled the ball to the plate and then shrugged.

Endy Chavez – Hit his 5th homer yesterday or the same amount as Aaron Hill, who has turned my middle infield spot into a Dead Endy.

James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Since his Oakland A’s start of 4 IP, 10 ER, he seems to have eaten a few power-up pellets and regained his Shields power.

Desmond Jennings – 1-for-3 with his 8th steal.  That’s in 17 games.  Conservatively, I’ll say he’s stealing two hundred next year.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka - 1-for-3, hitting .216.  He looks like Kaz Matsui 2.0.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 4 Ks.  For those who can’t pick up on the context clues, 7 walks in 6 innings is not good.  Some would say it’s bad.  Johnny Cochran would’ve said it’s egregious.

Hanley Ramirez- Has been out since August 2nd as he nurses his shoulder.  He has a nipple on his shoulder?! Five dollars of imaginary money says Hanley will be DL’d in the next day or so.  As Jack McKeon said, “He wants to play, but if it bothers him and he can’t reach for the ball, what good is it?  Can I leave now?  You’re making me miss the early bird.”

John Buck – Has two straight games with a homer.  Or to misquote M.I.A., Bucky Gone Gone.

Brandon Beachy – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Constantly amazed at how many people started asking if they should drop Beachy after his bad game in Coors and haven’t stopped asking.  He’s been that bad?  Not rhetorical!

Dan Uggla – His hitting streak is up to 30 games.  In other news, water is dry.

Zack Cozart – Sounds like he’s headed for season-ending surgery.  Dr. James Andrews, “Not ’til I say so.  Muahahahahaha…”

Dontrelle Willis – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Well, hello there!  Wow.  Where you been hidin’, Willis?  I wouldn’t add him in all leagues, but in some deeper ones or where you need to gamble, I’d look at him.

Esmil Rogers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks and his third decent start in a row. Rogers works with a mid-90′s fastball, slider, changeup– Wait, who am, Stephen?  Rogers should have a mid to high 7 K-rate and be in the rotation for the rest of the season as long as he doesn’t Mr. Bungle things.  Esmil, “Holy chicken mole, this is enormous pressure!”  In deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Rogers to see if you can ride the lightning in a bottle or whatever that cliche is.

Josh Willingham – Hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Willingham, that’s just not kosher.  Hasn’t cooled off since I labeled him a Buy on Friday.

Rich Harden – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Has more Ks than innings and finally looked impressive, like the old Harden.  Well, actually, the old Harden would’ve thrown out his back after a teammate high-fived him.

Bobby Abreu – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Abreu has been a good August hitter in the past, but his past goes back.  For instance, you might hear him say things like, “I remember when baseball’s weren’t hit with bats but with steroids.”

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-3 with his 17th and 18th steals to go along with his 4 homers.  A-Rod has 13 homers and 4 steals.  So Nunez is definitely no flop, but A-Rod’s hole cards of 52 RBIs and 53 runs are obviously better.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 1 K.  He’s trying to get you to fall for the old-banana-in-the-tailpipe.  Don’t do it.

Corey Hart – Returned to the lineup (hand) and picked up right where he left off (homer) and hopes to continue (wearing sunglasses at night).

Kyle Gibson – Partial tear of his right elbow.  All those years his dad made him emulate his World Series trot couldn’t have helped.

Erik Bedard is headed to the DL.  The Bedarded they come, the Bedarded they fall.  So, he has a sprained knee.  “Ow, I think I hurt myself getting onto the examination table to have you check my shoulder.”  That’s Bedard at the doctor’s office.  Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy.  Keep it sickly, Bedardens!  Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait.  At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dustin Ackley – Slam and legs with the lefty-on-lefty HR against Everyday Jonny Venters.  He’s hitting 5th now for the Mariners, which is like hitting 10th for the Yankees.  That said, any MI who can hit 10th for the Yankees, is pretty damn good.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Carrasco’s getting hitters with his unique blend of salt, vinegar and cayenne peppers, and moving up the Scoville scale, so to speak.  Carrasco was always a regarded prospect and it looks like he’s finally putting it together.  I’ll buy it.  Masterson, I will also buy.  Tomlin, I do not buy.  Carmona’s crizzap even if he has potential closnarl.  That’s a scary-faced closer.  Valverde has mad closnarl.

Stephen Drew – 1-for-4 and his 5th home run.  He has a .266 average and about six years worth of hope wasted.  The one positive for Drew’s owners or wannabe owners is he tends to have a solid 2nd half.

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His season ERA is 2.97, solid Ks and a 1.19 WHIP.  Yeah, that’s better than the fifth starter on your fantasy team.  Hodgepadre, shmodgepadre.  He should just be owned.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Now batting .175 with one home run.  It’s rookie nookie, you gotta decide if it’s worth the blisters.

Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Speaking of blisters, Rubby’s K:BB isn’t good at all, but his K-rate is nice.  To get less statistically abbreviated on you, I like him in very deep leagues, but not in any other ones for right now.

Ben Revere – 2-for-3 with his 9th steal in 40 games, and third steal in the last two games.  The concussed Span’s got the spins and could be out for a year or two if we’re to believe Morneau’s case example of being a Marblehead.  Whoa, burn!  In the mean’s while, Revere keeping his Somerville’d by lacing up his cleats and Salem from base to base.  Hey, you’re nobody until you’re Peabody.

Scott Baker – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  ERA is 3.15, 1.19 WHIP and 101 Ks in 105 2/3 IP.  Props need to go out to Rudy on Baker.  Back in April, Rudy said, “Baker has shown the potential to rise to another level (1.19 WHIP in 2009) but has been generally plagued by bad innings and gopheritis.  I’m sure I’m in the minority on this one but I’d rather have Baker than Liriano this year.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!  Then I followed that up with a Buy article about Baker on April 22nd and again on April 29th.   It’s all there, search the site.

Alex Presley – 0-for-3 and a steal.  Not much to say here other than PICK HIM UP.  (Caps for emphasis, not aesthetics.)  Sorry, but I love seeing guys give fantasy value when they go oh-fer.  Shows me they’re really concerned for our fantasy teams’ well-being.

Eric Thames – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Hitting near .350 over the last week.  Could be a nice HBI (Hot Bat Injection) for those who need some power.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  [drooling] Brandon Morrow now has 91 Ks in 75 IP. [/drooling]

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  Yesterday, Tristan Cockcroft pointed out Ethier as a guy that is overrated.  I said that back in February.  (I know I said that too about Bautista.  Remember, I’m the one carrying the cross.)

Jayson Werth – Out with a bad hip.  Could be side-whined for a few days.

Ryan Franklin – Released by the Cardinals.  Take it one day at a time, Ryan.  Like your mom, Bonnie Franklin.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run in as many games.  Geiger, let’s go!

Chris Carpenter - 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he threw 132 pitches.  I wonder if La Russa will let Carpenter hammer the last nail in his coffin.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Easy matchup vs. the Giants but he still has some correcting to do with his 4.99 ERA.  I like him to get it down to around 4.00.

Josh Johnson – Saw Dr. Freeze and he found nothing but still shutdown Johnson for ten days.  A doctor’s gotta maintain his rep, I suppose.  “Don’t waste my time, Josh Johnson!  You’re grounded for 10 days.  Yes, that includes playing catch.  Yes, it’s fine to call your friend James Van Der Beek.  I don’t care if your friend Katie Holmes’ husband told you the pain is mental.”  Or if you prefer, “Tonight, a freeze is coming.”

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  Wasn’t an easy matchup, but I’m concerned Marcum isn’t fully healthy.

Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.63 ERA on the year.  February Grey told everyone to have Zimmermann or Beachy as their last starter.  February Grey, “Actually, I told everyone Zimmermann and Mike Minor, but then March Grey told everyone to switch it out with Beachy.  Carry on, June Grey, enjoy your last day!”

Dan Haren – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.85.  I’ve been deliberating whether to tell you Haren’s going to have a 2nd half slide.  I’ll let you know what verdict the jury brings back.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Walks too many, and he’s been getting lucky.  If you trust him, you’re gonna get roofied and that’s gonna hurt your naughty bits.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-3 with a slam and legs.  Has been getting benched because of his slump but this game might be the sign of an upcoming hot streak.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Antonio Bastardo – Recorded the save yesterday for the Phillies.  After the game, Charlie Manuel, wearing overalls and no shirt, said something but failed to remove the piece of hay from his mouth so no one’s sure what he said.

Jonny Venters – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I think the Braves are going to kill him from overuse then strap him to the roof of their station wagon as they head off to Wally World.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper is having knee pain.  It’s a wonder he ever makes it out of bed.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with guess what?  Yup.

Jason Giambi – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer.  Having a much better season than Morneau.  Stab me in the eye.

Phil Hughes – Threw a solid start in rehab.  Why’s he pitching against a bunch of recovering drug addicts?  Inner voice, “It’s not that rehab!”  Um, right.  So I’m not a fan of Hughes for this year, told you to steer clear of him in the preseason, and don’t have high hopes for him when he returns.  With that said — yeah, I’m about to retract everything I just said — I’d stash him on my bench if I had room.

Clay Buchholz – As ESPN will tell you, with every Yankee mention, there needs to be a Red Sox mention.  Buchholz felt back pain on Tuesday and says he won’t return before the All-Star Game.  Too bad, so sad.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and 2 home runs.  Hayzeus Cristo, it took him long enough to get hot again.  Hang on for an eight homer month, assuming he stays healthy.

Jason Bay – 1-2 with 4 BBs, 3 Runs, and 2 SBs.  Since he’s not hitting any HRs, he’s reinventing himself as a leadoff hitter.  He better not want Crawford money – oh wait, the Mets are kind of paying him that already.

Angel Pagan – The oxymoron went 4-for-6 with 3 runs and 4 RBIs.  Dan Brown is writing a book as we speak called Angels & Pagans.  In the plot, the Catholic Church is involved in a conspiracy that is thwarted by a Latin outfielder and Mr. Met.

Jake Peavy is due back in less than a week unless he has a setback.  That ‘unless’ eats deep fried butter with a side of blooming onion, needs a crane to go to the bathroom and a mop to clean its inner thighs.  I’ll admit Peavy makes me smize, as Tyra would say.  I smized more when he was in Petco, but he’s pitched well in his rehab.  Does he deserve another chance?  Sure, why not?  What, he kicked your puppy’s nads?  Now if anyone tells you what you can expect of him this year other than three more DL stints, they’re lying, those no good liars.  You take the flyer on him if he’s on your waivers just hoping he stays healthy and produces.  The rest is icing.  …Actually, I’m using the rest is icing cliche wrong.  If he stays healthy and produces, that is the icing.  Can you tell I wrote this when I was hungry?  Mmm…Deep fried butter.  Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Vicente Padilla – I feel like one small point that’s getting lost in all of this Padilla talk is that he sucks.

Hong-Chih Kuo – It’s so frustrating when you own a guy that should step into the closer role and he’s currently sucking.  Well, that’s interesting for you to read.  Moving on…

Eduardo Sanchez – I think Tony La Russa is building a case to get out of some kind of contractual obligation.  A’la, “Yes, my client, Tony La Russa agreed to endorse Sbarro, but as he’s shown from his managing of the Cards bullpen, he doesn’t know what he’s doing from minute to minute.”

Fernando Salas – I see your closer committee and I raise you a closer clusterf**k.

Mark Melancon – I just read about him somewhere.  Oh, I know.  Scroll down to this morning’s post.  It’ll help exercise your typee muscles.

Aneury Rodriguez – Because of Gallardo, Liriano and a host of other schmohawks, I’m actively looking at Aneury in more leagues than I’d like to admit.

Bud Norris – Don’t make me say something pithy, just pick him up already.

Brett Wallace – His face looks like he’s trying to gleek, but he is a current hot schmotato.

Matt LaPorta – Here’s a peek behind the curtain at Razzball HQ.  I start the Buy/Sell on Monday and as the week goes on I add and remove players.  LaPorta has been in three Buys on Monday and hasn’t made it to Friday staying hot.  Not a great sign, but he is kinda hot now so do what you do.

Ian Stewart – It took over a year, but I think the fantasy community has finally given up on Stewart.  So what better time for him to finally break out?!  Yeah, that’s wishful thinking.  If you lost one of the twenty-five 3rd basemen that are out injured or just suck (Pedro Alvarez, “I understand you are talking about me.  I apologize sincerely.  Now I wish to eat a piece of cake and strikeout.”), grab the one, the only Mini Mini Donkey.

Allen Craig – Out of curiosity, I went back and looked at what Pujols did his first month in the major leagues to see why La Russa ever even played him.  Sure enough, Pujols hit .370 with 8 homers in April of 2001.  Allen Craig, that is what you’re up against.  Good luck!

Scott Sizemore – On the other hand, if you were to suit up your dachshund in a Tigers uniform, Leyland would probably bat him in the top of the order.

Clint Barmes – I picked him up in one league for the short schedule day yesterday and think I might run him out there for a few while Beckham (or Bartlett or Alcides or Nishioka) gets his act together.

Ben Revere – SAGNOF!

Matt Joyce – Still on fire from his last appearance in a Buy/Sell.  But a word of warning, he’s nearing 50% owned in ESPN leagues, which means he’s about to bomb.

Angel Pagan – Not a huge fan, but he should get better and be owned in more leagues than he currently is.

Peter Bourjos – Sure taking a long time for people to pick this guy up.  Don’t make me send his cousin Per Djoos after you.

Jason Bourgeois – Could probably steal 800 bases this year if he played every day.  Okay, plus or minus 750.

Will Venable – More steals yadda³.  Apropos of nothing, Max Venable, Will’s pop-pop, had a 12-year major league career and he has about as much on his Wikipedia page as I do.  Someone fill out my man’s stub.

SELL

Alexi Ogando – Just went over how his xFIP is farting in his ERA’s general direction.  Hint:  It was yesterday’s afternoon post.

Placido Polanco – Probably will hit .400 just to spite me, but if you can trade him for a Brain Freeze or even a low-end Donkeycorn, I would, and I don’t usually trade for closers.  BTW, I’d love to be sitting over the shoulder of someone who stumbles on this website for the first time.  Donkeycorn?  Brain Freeze?  Hot schmotato?  How are there 250 comments on every post at this site?  Is this a cult?  Razzball?  How about Razz-what-the-eff-is-this-mustachioed-man-talking-about?

Russell Martin – I admit that I don’t think you can trade him for much, but I’d try.  He was a hot April, not a hot beginning of a great season.  Plus, The Great Gazoo is back.

Ben Zobrist – He’s the number one rated 2nd baseman according to ESPN’s Player Rater as of right now…Unfortunately, half of his stats came from one day.  Remember it wasn’t that long ago that you were thinking about dropping him because as of April 22nd, he had a .183 average with 3 homers and 2 steals.  Then the last week of April, he tripled just about all his stats.  I wouldn’t trade him for Micah Hoffpauir’s fake ID, but I’d explore options.

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  These guys may seem like they’re not worth the effort, but remember last year Colby Rasmus, Drew Stubbs and Corey Hart were found here.  As with the other 2011 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

41. Travis Snider – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Pagan.  I call this tier, “I’m grabbing at least one of these guys as my third or fourth outfielder.”  I’m all in again with Snider.  I’m rolling Snider into my sleeve like a pack of smokes and unclogging his pipes.  Okay, that sounded bad.  Not bad as in good but bad as in bad.  In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers.  I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!  Pretty sweet, right?  Okay, see that prorating thing doesn’t even work because Snider is young and can be better in 2011 than he was in 2010.  And he can be healthier.  Want more effusiveness?  Try my Snider fantasy for 2011.  2011 Projections: 65/27/80/.270/5

42. Delmon Young – I dropped a triple tissue already on my Delmon Young fantasy for 2011.  There was only three typos in the whole post.  “Grey, you created a work of art!  Sorry, Miles, that means you’re eliminated.”  Young is teetering between a solid upside pick and an overrated pick, which worries me.  He’s not going to put up the numbers that, say, Jay Bruce could.  He’s mooby like Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval but he shares their power too.  Okay, a tad more, but not much.  Aside, there should be a Razzball glossary term for these fat guys that are missing the big time power.  2011 Projections:  75/24/85/.300/7

43. Carlos Quentin – I should’ve called this tier, “To wit, guys I didn’t learn my lesson with.” “To wit” because it makes me sound smart.  Though saying that it makes me sound smart makes me sound dumb.  The irony!  I’m not calling Quentin a sleeper this year.  I’m not going caca-cuckoo for him this year.  I do like him and I do think his upside really is his 2008 MVP-like season, which is crazy valuable.  His downside is every other season though.  His ability to get injured is almost as uncanny as his resemblance to Jose Canseco.  2011 Projections:  80/27/90/.260/3

44. Adam Jones – Another guy that I wish I could say I’m done with, but old habits die yadda³.  I’m really excited to draft Jones this year.  I might even write a sleeper post about him.  Still think he can make good on some of that promise that he failed to live up to last year.  He’s going to move up the outfielder ranks for next year.  I can feel it in my bones.  Speaking of bones, what happened to the picture of Adam Jones looking stoned?  2o11 Projections:  85/25/95/.295/12 (<–optimistic but whatevs)

45. Nick Markakis – Member when this schmohawk was a top 20 outfielder?  Trick question, he never was.  There was a time when fantasy baseball ‘perts said he was.  At the end of every season though, Markakis left you with blue balls.  Markakis’ homer totals from 2007 are as follows:  23, 20, 18, 12.  If this were a SAT question and you had to guess his 2011 homer total, the answer would be like 6.  The way he’s going, Juan Pierre’s going to outhomer him by 2013.  I like Markakis’ plate discipline and I think he’s young enough to bounce back, but I’m not reaching for him.  He falls to me and I’ll grab him.  2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.305/10

46. Ryan Raburn – Went over Raburn’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post and I dropped a Raburn fantasy sleeper on you too.  I love Raburn this year.  And I loved him before Karabelly.  To wit!

47. Andres Torres – On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.  2011 Projections:  75/12/45/.260/25

48. Angel Pagan – It’s appropriate that he falls right next to Torres in the rankings because they’re pretty much the same player.  Took a while in the minors because of injuries, does have some slight power and good speed, and he’s older than most guys who just get on the scene.  I really don’t like one more than the other.  Could’ve put Pagan above Torres.  They ended up this way because Pagan has a bit less power.  I would not draft both on the same team.  Unless I was trying to lose.  Then I would.  2011 Projections:  75/9/45/.280/25

49. Jason Bay – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ibanez.  I call this tier, “That last tier was fun, wasn’t it?  Yeah, this tier not so much.”  I suppose Jay Bay can bounce back.  But when you suppose, you make a supp out of you and me.  Hmm… That makes no sense.  Fenway inflated Bay’s power.  He’s kinda a 20+ homer hitter in a neutral park.  He picks and chooses his running spots carefully… A little too carefully so he’s not going to put up a huge steal season.  It’s all a’ight, but he’s in Metco, he’s getting old and I think his name value will cost you more than he’s worth.  I’d take two (other outfielders) and pass.  2011 Projections:  70/18/80/.265/10

50. Alfonso Soriano – I’m telling you right now or write now, if homonyms always get you, this tier is not going to be that interesting to read.  I suggest you put on some music and half pay attention to the next few names.  Maybe hire a homeless person to read it for you.  That could be fun.  2011 Projections:  65/22/75/.260/5

51. Michael Cuddyer – See Kubel, Jason.  Or an 1/8th of an inch below.  2011 Projections:  85/20/80/.275/5

52. Jason Kubel – The Twins manage to consistently field a team that is solid in regular baseball terms but underwhelms for fantasy.  Not everyone, of course.  It’s a generalization.  Go with it.  2011 Projections:  75/24/85/.270

53. Chris Coghlan – If he does start at 2nd base, he’ll have nice value there.  In the outfield, Coghlan’s Law says anything else is always better.  2011 Projections:  95/8/60/.300/17

54. Denard Span – See Kubel or a half of an inch above.  For those of you who look at Span and think he’s a cheap underrated option, 6 homers and 24 steals over the course of the season breaks down to one homer and 4 steals per month.  That’s like watching the paint dry in a public restroom.  2011 Projections:  90/6/60/.280/24

55. Raul Ibanez – Maybe I should’ve just titled this tier, “Yawn.”  Or, “Draft these guys and drop them by April 7th when someone much more exciting starts hitting.”  Your call.  2011 Projections:  70/20/85/.270/3

56. Logan Morrison – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until we get to the top 80 outfielders.  I call this tier, “I just had to get out of that last boring tier, so here’s some fun upside guys again.”  It’s time for Morrison to break on through.  See what I did there?  I’m a freakin’ genius!  Though I do tend to spell genius wrong.  Thank you, spellchecker!  Morrison will probably disappoint in 2011.  Oh, he’ll be a good one at some point, but I’m not sure he’s going to be there yet in 2011.  Probably a bit up and down this year.  This high ranking is due to his August and September and his minor league stats.  In those last two months, he hit .297.  A Morrison-type pick usually translates to a guy who has one bad month and people drop him across most 12 team leagues, i.e., this comment, “Grey, Cuddyer’s hot and Morrison’s not doing anything, should I switch them out?  BTW, love the stache.  Rock it, Grey, rock it!”  For Morrison’s upside, I’m placing him here.  2011 Projections:  65/18/80/.290/5

57. Dexter Fowler – “Aw, sookie.”  That’s me getting excited about Fowler again this year.  What do you want me to say?  I’m a sucker for this guy.  If shizz breaks right, he’s basically Tabata.  Okay, maybe that’s not the most exciting way to put it.  How about this?  Give Fowler 600 ABs, he could steal 35+ and hit 10+ homers.  That’s good for a late round flier.  2011 Projections:  75/8/40/.270/20

58. Domonic Brown – (UPDATE:  Don’t draft Brown outside of keeper leagues.)  Here’s my rejected Penthouse letter about my Domonic Brown fantasy.  You’re probably throwing away your draft pick by going with Brown (or Desmond Jennings, who I’ll get to).  Their value will probably be at its highest the day before the season starts.  If you find the guy in your league that loves them some rookie nookie, I’d look to move them.  To do this, pay attention to who in your draft room says something like, “Oh, man!  Great pick.  I was going to grab Jennings (or Brown) with my next pick.”  There’s always one of those doodes.  Or doodettes (for our 3 girl readers). 2011 Projections: 55/12/70/.290/14 30/8/40/.275/10

59. Lorenzo Cain – In most leagues, you’re not going to hold any of the outfielders in this tier for very long so you may as well try for some upside.  If it doesn’t pan out the first couple of weeks of the season, you drop them.  I’d also gamble on any outfielder who is hitting well in Spring Training who isn’t on this list.  They’re flyers, ya’ll.  I briefly warmed up my Lorenzo Cain fantasy already.  I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball but I’m gunning for Cain as my fifth outfielder in a lot of leagues.  He’ll probably put up the numbers you’re hoping Coco Crisp gives you.  2011 Projections:  70/7/40/.275/30

60. Desmond Jennings – This tier just got foxy!  Wanna get hotter under your collar?  See my Desmond Jennings fantasy.  Unfortunately, the Rays are going conservative (read: cheap!) and supposedly leaving Jennings in the minors.  The Damon and Manny signings don’t help Desmond’s cause.  But he’s my constant!  Situation is obviously fluid until we’re out of Spring Training.  In non-keepers, I wouldn’t draft him if he doesn’t break camp with the team.  In keepers, I’d go after him.  2011 Projections:  55/3/25/.270/20 (if call up is June 1st)