That title is lifted from Jimmy Dickens’ A Tale of Three Cities, the younger brother’s blatant ripoff of the classic novel. For what Jimmy Dickens lacked in originality, he made up with his ability to avoid cholera and scurvy. His brother, Charles, used to say it was because Jimmy was the rat spreading the dreaded disease.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Andy Pettitte
After the Orioles played 18 innings on Tuesday, delirium set it in and they said, “We’ve had two bean and cheese burritos since 6 o’clock and we have to pull a double shift ice trucking. Somebody gives us a Christian side hug right now or we’re calling up Dylan Bundy.
Please, blog, may I have some more?The Mets went into their minor league system and pulled a giant rabbit out of their hat with Matt Harvey. *terrible Jimmy Stewart impression* Mr. Potter, I knew a Harvey once. Back in 1955, see, and Danny Kaye asked me to sneak this guy named Harvey out of his bedroom at 2 AM.
Please, blog, may I have some more?As David Brent’s friend would say, “Only one for the Bum, no harm done.” Madison Bumgarner got SF another SHO as he threw a game that made it easy to get behind the Bum and not just for those in The Castro — 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 walks and 8 Ks.
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Yankee pitchers haven’t been hit this hard since Ed Whitson ran into a Billy Martin drinking jag. You know, Yogi’s always the one quoted from the Yankee archives, but Billy had some good ones too. Here’s my favorite, “I’d like to mouth f*** that bottle of whiskey.” Before the Yankees game, CC Sabathia hit the DL with an abductor strain in his groin. Someone’s got clams! CC is supposed to be fine to go right after the All-Star break, as long as no one else tries to shuck his groin. Then, once the game got going, Andy Pettitte was hit in the ankle with a comebacker. Pettitte is supposed to be out for 6-8 weeks. At least he didn’t pull a Zumaya during his retirement and hurt himself playing Guitar Hero (or, more likely, Guitar Praise). The Yankees’ rotation now has plenty of room for anyone the Cubs, Astros, Padres or Brewers want to give trade them. I did the crossed out text thing, I’m a jerkoff! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daniel Hudson – Torn UCL.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Andy Pettitte managed to shut out the Rays yesterday for 7 1/3 IP with only 4 baserunners and 10 Ks. No wonder why he returned. He was probably sick of beating his kids at MLB 2K12. “Dad, we don’t mind you playing our video games while we’re at school, but could you stop spitting tobacco onto our all-terrain robot?” That’s Andy’s kids after a powwow about how to address the problem. I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t see this coming. He wasn’t even that good before he retired. I guess he just needed 26 months between starts. If he retired again tomorrow, he’d throw a no-hitter in 2016. Or he’d win that perfect game contest that MLB is doing with their video game. Enough with the commercials already. I liked baseball better when they were a conservative game without the cheap gimmicks. Bring back the Spiderman web-covered bases! So, can Pettitte keep this up? Seems doubtful. He’s about a 3.75 ERA guy that pitches his home games in not one of the more forgiving parks in a tough division. But, you know what, he looks no worse than what I’d expect of Oswalt and you’re stashing him, so he’s definitely worth owning. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, wanted to draw attention to the contest we’re holding. We’re giving away a fifty-five inch LG 3D TV. The TV comes with a remote control that has a mustache glued on top of it. I’m kidding. The mustache is glued on top of the TV. Go ahead and enter. It’s free and there’s a chance your significant other might be less inclined to get annoyed with you when you check your teams on a romantic date if you just won a TV. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:
Colby Rasmus – Watch out Mr.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Ernesto Frieri got the save yesterday in the 11th inning, but Downs came on in the 9th in a tie game. On one hand, teams hold back their closer in a tie game in away games, in case they get the lead. On the other hand, sometimes whoever pitches the ninth is the closer. On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a doorknob, maybe Downs just came in to face two lefties and stayed in for Gomes. On a fourth lesser known hand that is actually a hand spraypainted onto a dolphin, there is no fourth lesser known hand spraypainted onto a dolphin; c’mon, man, that’s just cruel. On a fifth lesser known hand that is actually a giant hand-shaped pinata, The Sciosciapath is managing all of this, so if he sees Frieri get the save, Frieri could be the man. If Frieri is out there, I’d grab him. I still think Downs is in the mix. Walden’s droppable outside of deep leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Marco Estrada – To the DL with a right hip flexor injury. Chubby Checker just shuddered.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Allow me an ignorant rant: If you are a baseball fan you know this is the most important time of the year outside of October. Interleague play has taken over MLB and it represents a very important part of baseball: the fans.
Please, blog, may I have some more?When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs. It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity. Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.” Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too. Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms. Like. Oh. My. Gahd. I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.
Please, blog, may I have some more?“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!” Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again. You remember it. When the birds chirped, it made you smile. When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world. When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab. People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75. You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it. A time of joy. Wonder. No Splenda. That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night. And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs. Why don’t I have him on every team?! I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer. Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!
Please, blog, may I have some more?