Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ernesto Frieri got the save yesterday in the 11th inning, but Downs came on in the 9th in a tie game.  On one hand, teams hold back their closer in a tie game in away games, in case they get the lead.  On the other hand, sometimes whoever pitches the ninth is the closer.  On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a doorknob, maybe Downs just came in to face two lefties and stayed in for Gomes.  On a fourth lesser known hand that is actually a hand spraypainted onto a dolphin, there is no fourth lesser known hand spraypainted onto a dolphin; c’mon, man, that’s just cruel.  On a fifth lesser known hand that is actually a giant hand-shaped pinata, The Sciosciapath is managing all of this, so if he sees Frieri get the save, Frieri could be the man.  If Frieri is out there, I’d grab him.  I still think Downs is in the mix.  Walden’s droppable outside of deep leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Marco Estrada – To the DL with a right hip flexor injury.  Chubby Checker just shuddered.

Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  If Lucroy’s a New Orleans name, I’m drinking the Bourbon!  If Lucroy’s a French name, I’m kissing his momma cause I like cougars!  If Lucroy is short for Lucuriousgeorge, then call me a monkey!  Oh, and I like Lucroy.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, to lower his ERA to 3.38.  Sure, he was facing a struggling offensive team in a hitter’s park… But other than the Rangers, that’s his entire division.

Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  On Tuesday, the Pirates were beat by Dickey, and the day before they beat Johan (though those seem reversed in more than one way).  Yesterday, the Pirates lost by a nose.  If you throw out The Nose’s two worst starts, he has a 2-something ERA.  What’s that, you can’t throw out those starts?  Tell your leaguemates fiddle faddle, I gave you permission.  In the preseason, I liked Niese, and still do.  Solid Ks, and looks like a number five to six fantasy starter.  Then from the side, he looks like a 2.  Get another nose job, man!

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  Better hang onto your hatwitzki, Tulo’s about to take his owners for a ride of about 15 homers in the next month, which will end in a 15-day DL stint.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in Tampa Bay.  Hopefully, he does better when he returns on June 2nd.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, tying Ryan Zimmerman’s last two years combined.  I will now take Morpheus’s blue pill.

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.72.  On April 12th, I compared Millwood to Bartolo, saying, “You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.  I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to.  I never said it was pithy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Going into yesterday’s game, Millwood had a 4.17 ERA; Colon had 4.09.  Colon has 38 Ks, Millwood has 37.  Colon’s WHIP 1.28; Millwood’s 1.29.  For my next trick, I will pull Ryan Zimmerman’s head out of his ass.

Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  He hadn’t done anything since his 2 homer game, so I dropped Frazier and didn’t even say cheers, but I still like him as a corner man for power in deep leagues if you can handle the low average.

Daniel Bard – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks.  I wouldn’t own Bard outside of AL-Only leagues.  Grey Albright:  The Chancellor of the Enthusiasm Chequer.

Daniel Nava – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s worth picking up, but he’s nothing but a hot schmotato.  Sorry, I’m a non-beNava’r.  Ouch!  Sorry, just hurt myself trying to squeeze that one in.

Alfredo Aceves – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, his 11th save while lowering his ERA to 4.15.  Some of his owners who dropped him after his horrendous April are screaming, “‘Fredo, you betrayed me!”

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I know exactly how the Red Sox feel today.  Last week I picked up Brian Dozier and that day he hit a home run.  Yay!  Then he went 0-for-a-week.  Don’t revel in it, Red Sox, it wears off.

Nick Johnson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Or 3 homers by Scott Podsednick Johnson, if you play in a Sniglet league.

Xavier Avery – 2-for-5 with a steal.  I’m guessing Xavery is gonna be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  We’ll have to wait to see what Pre-Holiday Weekend Grey’s got in store.

Matt Wieters – 0-for-1 as he sat out.  His average is down to .238.  Yikes, someone call The Roto Rooter Man, Wieters’s doodie has clogged up my roto teams.

Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Andy’s having a much better time over the last few weeks than his former comroidre.  I wonder if they video chat.  “Roger?” “Please call me Rocket.”  And they talk about needles and shizz.  On a side note, I was talking to a friend yesterday and her roommate, who is a guy, was video chatting with another dude.  Is that gay?  There’s nothing wrong with it, if it is.  But is it?  I mean, I don’t need to see my guy friends even when they’re in the same room as me.  Matter of fact, I prefer it that way.  Talk to me while you watch TV; we are all good.  And…tangent!  So, Pettitte’s been better than I expected since his return.  He’s also faced the Reds (terrible vs. lefties), the Royals and the M’s.  The Royals aren’t hideous, but I still don’t trust him.  His ballpark isn’t good, his division’s tough and he wasn’t even any good when he retired.  Now he’s good?  I ain’t buying in mixed leagues.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now, A-Rod is definitely a guy-on-guy video chatter.

Brett Gardner – Had a setback with his elbow and won’t hit off a tee until Monday.  How’d this go from a minor 15-day DL stint to we’re probably not seeing him for two months total?  Jesus Monterochrist!

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4 and a steal (which is actually impressive vs. Pettitte).  This proves my theory.  All some players need is me berating them.  Now, get it, Hosmer.  Get it!

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  We ended our month and a half torrid relationship yesterday.  I might’ve been so annoyed with Big Z, that I dumped Lynn, but I don’t regret it.  With 11 baserunners, he was lucky to only give up 3 earned.  If you don’t have better options on waivers, I’d bench him for his next start.

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  Ten more than Pujols.  Cust crazy.

Drew Sutton – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs as he hit cleanup.  After the game, Maddon was asked what he’s thinking with the lineup card.  He said, “When I think Drew Sutton, I think Don Sutton.  When I think Don Sutton, I picture how his afro was so beautifully salt-and-pepper.  When I think salt-and-pepper, I think about mashed potatoes.  When I think about mashed potatoes, I think of the mess I make when I start mashing.  When I think of that mess from mashing, I think of the cleanup.  So when I think of Drew Sutton, I think of mashing at cleanup.”  When asked why Carlos Pena at leadoff, he replied, “Good OBP.”

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  If Shields was in the NL, I’d be on him like white on the albino kid who was in my 10th grade homeroom.  He seared his image on my retinas!  Does my bias against Shields make any sense, i.e., is he terrible against his AL East opponents?  Nah.  But at least I admit when I’m sitting on a bias angle.

Will Venable – 3-for-5 and a triple short of a cycle.  He was this week’s Creeper.

Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Was he due for a blow up or is it because I picked him up for this start?  Probably the latter.  FMFBBL.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Nats.  After the game, Hamels said he wanted to teach Bryce Harper basic math so he let him go 1-for-3.  Figure out your batting average now, punk!

Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (2 hits), 6 Ks vs. the Twins.  Luckily, that closer experiment only lasted 36 hours and his elbow problems only lasted 72 hours.  I’m not joking when I say sometimes I think I know too much.  Say you owned Sale and were in Fiji for the last three weeks.  After you were done visiting Superfly’s birth home, you’d return to see Chris Sale threw another great start, just like you left him.  Could’ve Magoo’d Sale the whole time and had no stress.  Eh, what fun is that?  Fantasy Baseball:  When there’s not enough stress in my real life.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura officially named Reed the closer.  He said he read on the internet that Reed was the closer for the last two weeks, and it sounded like a good idea.

Alex Rios – Homered last night.  If you’re wondering why, it’s cause I just dropped him.  That’s why.  No other reason.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what Wandy’s ERA is.  Don’t Google it.  Guess.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches butt, taps finger, stirs coffee with different finger*  His ERA is 2.14!

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs.  He got ice cold for a while (hitting below .150 in May), but last night might be a sign he’s coming around.  Definitely would watch him.

J.J. Putz – Gibson confirmed that Putz was still their closer.  That means the over/under for him losing the job is at 4 days.

Krispie Young – Diamondbacks are saying they might’ve rushed him back, so they let him watch from the bench yesterday as they scored 11 runs.  Holy sit!

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, facing his old team, the Mariners.  He obviously hit this homer just to say, “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Torii Hunter – Should return early next week.  I bet he regrets teaching his kid the importance of dotting both I’s.

Allow me an ignorant rant: If you are a baseball fan you know this is the most important time of the year outside of October. Interleague play has taken over MLB and it represents a very important part of baseball: the fans. The people who buy the $4 hot dogs and $8 beers. Sure you may think interleague play is just to sell tickets, but fans buy tickets! People love rivalries and when its time for the Arizona Diamondbacks to play the Kansas City Royals IN KANSAS CITY–well, as a fan I just need to be there. You can taste the bad blood between Willie Bloomquist and Billy Butler. And what fan isn’t in attendance or watching at home when the Mariners are taking on the Colorado Rockies. Hipsters and cowboys alike all watch with anticipation as these heated rivals duke it out. You can just tell Ichiro HATES Carlos Gonzalez, and you can cut that tension with a knife. Let’s not forget Cleveland and Miami duking it out to settle….Um……Well…Who gets LeBron back?

In all seriouslyness, there are some very cool rivalries taking place this weekend including the North and South sides of Chicago squaring off for the title of “Worst Baseball Team,” The Boston Red Sox and Philadelphia Phillies try and decide whose fans are drunker and whose are more obnoxious? And clearly every Oriole in the clubhouse already hates Bryce Harper. So, there’s that.  Here’s what happened in fantasy baseball last night:  **Extra Special Interleague Edition**

Justin Verlander - Complete game 1-hit shutout, 12 Ks. Brought a no-no into the ninth, buh Josh Harrison broke it up with 2 outs left. Asked about the tough luck, Verlander shook it off and just stressed how great interleague play is. For the fans.

Delmon Young - Everyone (except Mel Gibson’s) favorite angry outfielder went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs. After the game, he was spotted getting his picture taken with the Hank Greenberg statue.

Paul Konerko – Hit a first inning HR off Jeff Samardzija. Jeff Samardzija came back out in the third and was all like, “Oh yeah? In yo’ face, Paul Konerko!” Literally, pitchslapping him. The injury sounds like it’s going to be just some minor bruising, i.e., Konerko should be fine. For seriouslyness, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy and I hope all is okay. At least he seems like a nice guy, I only read the box scores.

Addison Reed – Got his 4th save. 4-for-4 in save opportunities since taking the job, that one 6 ER Kazaam! has been his only misstep. Reed is the man for now.

Kerry Wood – Ended his career this afternoon by striking out the only batter he faced. It was 19 off from his career high, but whatevs we’ll let it slide. Finishes his career with a 10.3 strikeouts per 9.0 IP rate, 2nd in ML history. He left to a standing ovation and a hug with his sonny. It was such a nice moment, it made Cubs fan forget how bad he’s been this season. Ahhhh, warm embraces with father and son and interleague matchups, this is what baseball is about people.

J.P. Arencibia – 3-for-5 with 6 RBIs, 2 HRs. His third straight game with homer run! ALL HE DOES IS HIT HOME RUNS! Is your fantasy team in need of home runs!? Need a catcher? Why not pick up J.P. Arencibia!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs and 4 RBis. Not sure why I’m telling you, you don’t own him anyway.

Yan Gomes – 1-for-2 with a HR as the Jays absolutely crushed the Mets putting up 14 runs. Grey covered Gomes yesterday. If he continues hitting, and more importantly, playing, Yanny the singer/songwriter/baseball player could be a sneaky add with his catcher eligibility. He also plays a number of positions (none very well I read). Make sure you monitor closely.

Andy Pettitte- Yankees combined to shutout the Reds. Pettitte pitch 8 IP with 9 K. Wow. Might be worth a look, he gets the Royals next week. Pettitte added that he agreed with Justin Verlander about how awesome interleague play is…for the fans.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run. Still one more than Albert! Robbie, Robbie getting hits like it’s his hobby. No–like it’s his jobby! It’s actually his jobby.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-4 with just his 3rd home run. I’m sure that .273 average should go up well above .300 but I’m not sure Adrian is the 30+ home run player we all once thought he was. 25 seems more realistic. I say this because he’s on my team and I’m in my 5th stage: acceptance.

Martin Prado – 2-for-4 with a HR and 3 runs. Now has a 10 game hitting streak and 6 straight multi-hit games. Martin Bravo is more like it! Right?!

Edwin Jackson – 8.0 innings pitched 1 ER with 8 Ks but the Nats can’t muster any offense and lose in extra innings with a Nick Markakis Sparkakis. Oh, but the K’s, the glorious Ks! I’m not sorry, Mr. Jackson, I’ll take this fantasy start any day of the week.

Heath Bell – Pitched a clean 9th inning to get his 4th save. If you still own Cishek or Mujica it may be safe to drop now. Carlos Zambrano earned his second straight win 7.0 IP, 2 ER, 2 K. Ozzie Guillen loves Carlos Zambrano magic, he said he reminds him of a young Fidel Castro. No wait–Heath Bell said that. Will he lose the closer’s job now!?

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-3 and 2 RBIs with his 8th HR. Yo, Adrian! You did it. (I promise that’ll be my only Rocky joke.) Josh Hamilton stole a base, but went homer-less. Pathetic.  You can’t win, Hamilton!  (Sorry.)

Krispie Young – Returned from DL to DH and went 1-for-4 with a 2 run double. It’s good to have Krispie back, he is good at baseball (*Pro Tip!). His BFF Justin Upton (they are best friends in my mind, at least) went 2-for-3 with 3 runs. J-Ups is slowly but surely making me feel better for drafting him so high, he’s just happy to have his best friend back.

Kevin Millwood –  Complete game 2-hit shutout of Rockies at Coors. His complete game first in 9 years! He struck out 7.  Prince, “He’s pitching like it’s 1999.”

Ryan Braun – 3-for-4 with the slam and legs and a side of mash (3 hits!). Mmmmm, breakfast food!

Denard Span – 4-for-5 with 3 runs and 3 RBIs in his return from a hamstring injury. Pretty good, I guess but I’d be more impressed if he stole a base, too. The Twins owned this game as Joe Mauer, Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau all chipped in multi-hit efforts. Grey was right! Those Twins are hot-hitting! PICK UP ALL THE TWINS!  Except Dozier.  Snooze.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4 with a stolen base and a triple. If you are fishing for a compliment, Mike Trout, no need. You are quite the catch. That Albert, however, 1-for-4, still sort of floundering.

Jered Weaver – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 Ks as Weaver rebounded huge after last week’s 8 ER debacle. I guess you don’t have to drop him anymore. Scott Downs came in this game in the 8th, and was replaced with Ernesto Frieri in the 9th after the Angels scored 3 runs. Not sure what to make of this yet, hopefully just Mike being a Sciosciapath and he removed Downs because it was no longer a save opportunity. Think of the fantasy owners, Mike!  Or maybe Mike was removing Downs from the closer role because Downs hadn’t done anything, like Walden before him.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 runs in a high scoring game with very few fantasy implications with Buster Posey out. Anyone own Angel Pagan? He had 3 runs!

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5 with a home run. Wait. Who is this?

Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 with a 2-run home run. It was Holliday’s 9th home run as the Cards lost to the Kemp-less Dodgers. Lance Lynn pitched 6.0, 9 hits, 4 ER, and 5 Ks. Double L, It was fun while it lasted.

Lance Berkman – Pinch hit HR in the 9th to tie it as the Big Puma, baseball’s resident super hero BerkMAN saves the day only to be foiled by his arch nemesis Fernando Salas (0.1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 3 BB).

When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs.  It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity.  Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes.  The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.”  Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too.  Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms.  Like.  Oh.  My.  Gahd.  I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.

Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract.  So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday.  I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica.  Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty.  Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games.  A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.”  I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers.  Votto bing, Votto boom.

Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer.  I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer.  If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer.  He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle.  If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon.  McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable.  He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker.  He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.

Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks.  Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel.  And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.

Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head.  ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).

Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year.  On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.

Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals.  If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday.  I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming.  Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change.  It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does.  Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.

Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer.  I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating.  It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts.  In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate.  But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond.  How’s that for circular reasoning?

Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s.  Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER.  That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.

Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday.  Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre.  Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!

Jesus Montero -  Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners.  You could taste the bad blood.  Mmm… Iron.

Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco.  Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play.  Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago.  I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name:  VenturARGH.  And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday.  To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat.   At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league.  I need this ulcer?  No, no I don’t.  If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly.  But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday.  He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols.  Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal.  The irony!

Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday.  Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!”  But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year.  Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino.  You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been.  Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.

Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17.  The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games.  Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday.  18 homers?  I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday.  In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.

C.J. Wilson -  Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER.  Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed.  So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Then on Sunday, he rested.  Geez, with the God complex.

Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday.  He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do.  It just looks so easy to strike me out.”

Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4.  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man.  He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.

Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays.  He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts.  I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with.  My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes.  It looks like ‘meh.’

Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday).  He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.

Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.”  Sounds like medial up a different starter.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.

Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee.  Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week.  Might’ve been helpful.

Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed.  Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer.  Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI.  BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.

Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match.  Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.

Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.

Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.

Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat.  Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring.  Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game.  Um, well, guess we can hope.  How do we get this hammy cured?  Because those are delicious.

Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon.  Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.

“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!”  Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again.  You remember it.  When the birds chirped, it made you smile.  When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world.  When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab.  People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75.  You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it.  A time of joy.  Wonder.  No Splenda.  That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night.  And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs.  Why don’t I have him on every team?!  I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer.  Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!

Scott Downs – Angels say Downs will be ready to return by Wednesday.  The Sciosciapath still considers him their closer.  Downs goes Frieri!  Downs goes Frieri!  Yeah, worked better when he was on the Blue Jays with Frasor.

Chris Sale – Last week, Ventura anointed Sale the closer.  So…he brought him into the 8th inning yesterday.  Plausible explanation:  He wanted his best reliever in a close game.  Also, plausible:  Sale is not the closer.  Also, plausible:  After all of those Nolan Ryan noogies, Robin Ventura doesn’t know how many innings there are in a game.  Addison Reed got the save with another perfect inning.  He could easily be the closer…Or Santiago…Or Sale.  It’s basically a closerf**k.

Dale Thayer – Literally, within five minutes of me dropping Cashner and picking up Thayer, he was blowing the game.  You still don’t believe The Closepocalypse is real?  He got lucky on a foul ball by Scutaro that was nearly a homer and another ball hit a baserunner.  I’m holding Thayer for now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else closed the next Padres game.

Josh Thole – Mets placed him on the 7-day DL with a concussion.  Hey, I’m no doctor, but from what I’ve gleamed from five minutes of noodling around WebMD and watching how other players have reacted to concussions.  Are we sure the DL for concussions should be less time than the norm?

Jon Rauch – Got the save yesterday.  One small step for Rauch and one giant step for men over six-ten.  Francisco had worked the last three days, so this save for Rauch just shows the pecking order behind Francisco and some flashy neck tattoos.  “Yo, I’m gonna peacock my neck!”  That’s Rauch after reading up on pick-up artistry.

Dan Haren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Twins?  This doubled the amount of runs the Twins scored in all previous games combined.  I don’t want to keep pointing out the same thing, but Rudy said in the preseason this would be the year Haren falls apart.  So far, Haren’s ERA is 4.19.

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 17 years after her death.  She had sass, but not that much, I guess.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I believe I said in the preseason that Doumit would be more valuable than Mauer this year.  And that’s me kinda paraphrasing me!

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .190.  This isn’t just bad for Albert; this stinks for all Pujolses.

David Robertson – Got the save yesterday as if there was any doubt.  I’d put his over/under for saves at 32.  Over/under for Ks at 110.  And over/under for times A-Rod checks out his package at 17.

Raul Ibanez – 2-for-3 with his 4th and 5th homers.  Seems like the Yankees have been benching him against lefties, which will hurt his overall numbers.  And being 40-something.  That’ll hurt those numbers too.

Andy Pettitte – Will start vs. the M’s on Sunday.  He’s been anything but outstanding during his tune up.  Bernie Williams, “Did someone say they want me to tune up the guitar?”  No, Bernie.  Against the M’s is a solid matchup, but unless things are really hard for you I wouldn’t Pettitte, even though it usually works the opposite way.

Randall Delgado – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After his last start (8 IP, 2 ER), I said I’d watch him this start.  Well, I didn’t because I was doing the podcast that is coming later today with anutter special guest.  But the box score is telling me, you should pick up Delgado in all leagues deeper than 14 team mixed and possibly even shallower, depending on your starter shituation.  He’s only 22 years old and he could have a 9+ K-rate.  Yes, I basically love all Braves young pitchers, but they’re an easy group to love.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He obviously should be owned everywhere.  His ERA won’t stay at 1.02, but he does get solid Ks and can have a mid-3 ERA.

Omar Infante – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Dah!  Just when Stanton finally passed him.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.01.  Are we waiting until October to thank me for pushing everyone into drafting this guy?

Aneury Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His minor league numbers are pretty blehtastic and if you pick him up he may give you an aneurysm.

Will Middlebrooks – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness.  As of right now, Middlebrooks looks like he might miss a day or two.  This comes just hours after the Red Sox announced they were considering using Middlebrooks in the outfield.  They’re also considering just using Youkilis as a ticket taker at Gate E.

Daniel Bard – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’m kinda surprised people still own him.

Yoenis Cespedes – Was a late scratch because of his wrist.  Sounds itchy!

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers, or more homers in one game than Pujols has all year, and nearly more RBIs.  Beltran is The Great Zombino!

Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Seriously, don’t mess with the 1927 Cardinals.

Carlos Marmol – Dale Sveum said Marmol may not get the job back.  But he has a 12+ walk rate, doesn’t that count for something?!  I could see dropping Marmol in most leagues.  He was dropped in my RCL and an NL-Only league and no one’s going near him.  I would grab Dolis or Russell, in that order.  (Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.)

Miguel Tejada – The Orioles signed him.  It was part of a deal Dan Duquette made with the devil:  The Orioles can be in first place at the 1/6th point of the season, but then you must make transactions that make you look silly.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As I’ve been saying to people, Gallardo had a 6.23 ERA last April and you still drafted him this year as your top starter.  We’re in May now and he just threw a solid game vs. a tough hitting team.  By August, you will have forgotten he was miserable in April, and then by next April you’ll be frustrated again when he’s wretched.

Ryan Zimmerman – He returned from the DL to go 1-for-4 with a run.  Right back at, huh, Ryan?

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  For a guy you got off of waivers, he’s still doing okay.  Don’t pull the rip cord on him yet.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, which comes on the heels of a 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER outing.  You know what he’s doing, right?  Here, “Ooh, I’m gonna pick up Burnett.”  BAM, awful outing!  “Eff that in the eff hole, I’m dropping his ass.”  BOOM, good outing!  He’s totally messing with you.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer.  The Dread Pirate finally makes his nickname about his hair again.

Francisco Cordero – 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Move your small children and closers away from the windows!  The Closepocalypse is coming through!  Blue Jays might go to Jason Frasor for the next save chance, but, let’s just say, I didn’t run to the wire to pick him up.  Darren Oliver is another option, but, yeah, didn’t pick him up either.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K as Vogelsong plays that sweet doctor’s office music I talked about last week.  Won’t excite you for good or bad, which is sometimes what you need.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 1.80.  I’m being serious when I say this, but in any leagues of 12 team mixed or shallower, there’s no reason to have a team ERA over 3.50.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Think this is the first time I’ve mentioned him, or if you’re feeling punchy, it’s Reddick’s bow.  Hard for me to get fully behind A’s hitters, but he now has 4 homers in the last ten games.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer to raise his average to .244.  Meanwhile, Nick Markakis also homered, going 3-for-5 to raise his average to .246.  Member when Markakis was really good?  Makes you nostalgikis.

Alex Avila – Will miss at least two games with a sore patella.  My pharmacist’s name is Patella.  I don’t think they’re related.

Casey Blake – Retired yesterday.  In remembrance of Casey Blake, let’s not forget the time he painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it and missed a week with a sore toe.

Tim Lincecum went six innings and gave up a bongillion runs and has a 10.54 ERA on the year.  He’s either sharing a UCL with Wilson or he’s about to make a turn around.  No pitcher is going to throw a 10.54 ERA without the universe abandoning that whole gravity thing.  And in that case, there would be bigger fish to fry, and we’d have to fry that fish in a Jiffy Pop container, otherwise the hot oil would float away.  Or so I read in one of Ken Cosgrove’s stories.  Will Lincecum have a 2.75 ERA this year?  Well, that’s a different bag of flying fried fish.  There’s talk that his velocity is down, which makes his change-up less effective.  See, you need one to go fast and one to go deceptively less fast.  It’s timing, y’all.  Could Lincecum be nothing more than a 3.50 ERA pitcher?  Yeah, it’s possible, but there’s still value in that.  I wouldn’t give the farm in a trade for him, but I’d see if someone was interested in the tractor.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brian Wilson – There’s talk he could rehab and not get Tommy John surgery because he has a moderate UCL sprain.  Oh!  Is that all?  Terrific.  Spray some Windex on it and get out there!

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 with a run as he started for the 2nd straight day.  Look at the big brain on Bochy!

Freddy Sanchez – Had a minor setback during his rehab.  Hey, I know that impersonation — Josh Hamilton, right?  Pretty good, Freddy!

Austin Jackson – 1-for-3, 2nd homer as he bats .405.  He’s marching towards history; someone better put Ted Williams’ head in a microwave.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and a 131 pitches.  I couldn’t get a one out save for Valverde here?  Throw Grey a bone!

Doug Fister – Threw 10 pitches off the mound and another 90 pitches and, Dougie Fister, you’re on.  On, on, on, on, on… But, trust me, you don’t want to see Fister beatbox.

Carlos Gonzalez – Out for three straight days with strep throat.  For our Latin American readers, that’s no lymph nodus operandi.

Danny Duffy – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers.  You kinda had to have nads of steel if you started Duffy vs. the Tigers.  Or whatever the equivalent is for our four girl readers.  It’s not even that incredible of a start.  Or is it?!  There was only one walk.  That could make Danny Duffy more than just the cream of the crap on the Royals staff.  His problem in the past has been walks, but if he controls that, guess what else he has?  Yup.  So far, he has 15 Ks in 12 1/3 innings.  Sure, it’s a small sample size, but so are your hands and we know that’s a myth.  Over 10 K-rate in Triple-A, over 9 in Double-A, over 7 last year in the majors, but he was a mess last year.  Throw it out.  Seriously, find a recycle bin and let Philip Humber pick it out.  Means nothing.  If he can get 180 innings this year, he could get 180 Ks.  The ERA may bounce around 4.00, but there’s upside for much more.

Andy Pettitte – Will make his next start on Friday after he pitched 4 shutout innings on Sunday.  May 10th is the target date for his return.  Let’s see if they can coax Posada out of retirement, and then the Yankees can make every day Old Timer’s Day.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4, but whatever.  The other day I saw Raul Ibanez on the front page of ESPN’s fantasy coverage talking about how he should be owned.  I was like, “Hmm… Did I miss something between drunk Friday and hangover Saturday?”  So I looked at his stats:  2 homers on the year, 9 RBIs while batting .222.  Why is ESPN pimping this guy?  Oh, that’s right, he plays for the Yankees.  Seriously, imagine he was on any other team.  This guy would get a feature?  He has some huge years on the Phils and never saw any press.  What’s Clay Rapada gotta do to get a feature?  Freddy Garcia can’t get no coverage?  Hey, ESPN, go get your shine box!

Michael Pineda – Threw 26 pitches in a bullpen session.  It’s no marathon bukkake session, but I guess it’s something.

Ike Davis – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, Valley Fever, I sneeze in your general direction!

Jason Bay – 1-for-4 with a homer.  So he didn’t retire?

Jason Heyward – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal.  I love that.  Nothing gets me juices flowing like saying “me” instead of “my” and a guy who isn’t owned for steals stealing a random base.  Get it, Heyward, get it!

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Did we ever establish his over/under for innings pitched this year?  How’s 130 sound?

Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors.  I know, sonavabench!  But better a good start on the bench than a bad one and then be worried about his next start too.

Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Looks like there’s some traffic, cause he’s also batting .405.

Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers.  Matt Wieters Fact:  He took two years in the majors to fulfill his potential.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-3 with a pinch hit homer off Santiago.  Now has 3 homers on the year.  Since I’ve spewed nothing but praise for Reimold for the last three years, I’ll save you the time.  I love him.  If you really wanna go there, my Nolan Reimold fantasy.  I wrote it in pink highlighter.

Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  On last week’s podcast, I said Santiago wouldn’t get out of April with the closer job.  Cust kayin’.

Philip Humber – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Starting the week off with a Humber, nice!  Not to be an ageist, but Humber’s 29 years old and hasn’t shown a whole lot.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s solid.  In most mixed leagues, you can probably find better.

Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer (and RBIs) of the season.  Member when everyone was crazy about Kendrys in the spring?  Ah, yes, those were the days.  We were younger then!  And you had hair!

Glen Perkins – Sounds like Perkins might end up on the DL. So if shizz Cappens, the back up would be… Have the Twins won yet?  Oh, yeah, they have… Okay, so if there’s a Cappsizing… Um, well, there’s the Reading Rainbow favorite, Jared Burton… There’s Brian, the Duensing Machine… There’s Alex Burnett.  Yeah, let’s hope Capps is okay… Wait, I own Capps.  Yeah, I’m not sure what I’m hoping for.

Justin Morneau – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and third RBI on the year.  Another 98 homers and he’ll break 100 RBIs.  Oh, Twins.

Stephen Lombardozzi – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs as he filled in for Espinosa.  This is worth monitoring in NL-Only leagues.  Lombardozzi has good potential, but I think Espinosa will be back out there.  Though Espinosa is proving to be a painful 20/20.  Like looking at Hugh Downs naked.

Henry Rodriguez – 2nd save yesterday and he has a 0.00 ERA.  Nothing to see there, literally.

Wilson Ramos – Hit his first homer yesterday.  He tried to get it back from the fan who caught it, but the fan wanted $50,000 in unmarked bills dropped off in an abandoned parking lot.  Poor guy…

Mitch Moreland – Should be fine today after having oral surgery.  That Hershiser sure is busy!

James Shields – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I recall something in the preseason something about you staying away from Shields.  That’s right, Random Italicized Voice, I was worried– You were wrong!  Well, I was– Wrong!  Are you going to let me finish?  Sure.  He has a 3.98 ERA career ERA after 1240 innings.  That’s not the smallest of sample sizes.  He doesn’t look like a sub-3 ERA pitcher like he was last year, but more like a sub-4 ERA.  If you want to look at small sample sizes– Pull down your pants!  Funny.  No, what I was going to say is that his K-rate looks to be reverting to his ‘bad’ ERA years.  On a related note, I tried to see some historical data for Patriot’s Day games because I was wondering if those games are usually low scoring because they’re so early.  I didn’t find any data, but I ended up at Wikipedia where I found this, “Because of the unusually early start time as the first baseball game of the week, many fantasy baseball players are often negatively affected by the early roster lock time. Each year, this date causes havoc with owner’s lineups who are unfamiliar with the early start.”  Are our commenters editing Wikipedia?

Fernando Rodney – Recorded his 4th save.  Aren’t you glad you drafted (fill in one of seventeen injured closers)?

Daniel Bard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 7 Ks as he was throwing 36% sliders.  Looks like the Bard’s already drafting a sequel to Antony & Cleopatra called, Antony & UCLeopatra where their love leads to a rupture that only one doctor in all the land can fix.

Cody Ross – 2-fo-4.  In the Sawx outfield is Ross, Sweeney and McDonald.  That sounds more like a comedy troupe than a MLB OF.  Is that the Boston Groundlings?

Kevin Youkilis – Did not play as Bobby Valentine called into question Youk’s heart.  How can they say that after he played with those two broken thumbs?