You know how when you turn on the lights in my bedroom, the cockroaches scatter? Well, maybe you didn’t know. Okay, say Hodgepadres are the cockroaches and the lights are from any stadium but Petco. You following the analogy? Good, let’s add another layer.Please, blog, may I have some more?
It was a big day for one of my favorite mancrushes, Brandon Allen, as he was called up. In Triple-A this year, 18 homers, 7 steals and a .426 OBP. He’s cut from the same cloth as all the donkeys that have come before him. Hopefully, he’s less 2010 Big Donkey, because Adam Dunn looks like he’s still got David Eckstein in a bjorn and letting the little man swing for him. In the majors from Allen, first, expect nothing. That’s always a good way to start. At least that’s what I tell the ladies. If the Diamondbacks give Allen ABs, which I do think they will, he will get 10 to 13 homers and a few steals. That’s the baseline. When you hear the baseline, you nod your head. Or maybe that’s the bassline. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wily Mo Pena – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to stop sucking.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over. This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there. It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg. Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time. As Eli would say, oy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him. I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns. You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks. I do still have much love for him. Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Victor Martinez left the game after fouling the ball off his foot. Wanna know our trade luck? We just traded Jason Bay, Cervelli and Mike Gonzalez for V-Mart, Boesch and Desmond. Is this karma for punting catchers in so many leagues over the years? I hate you, fantasy baseball Gods. You smite my team while I give you love. I. Give. You. Love! Oh, bee tee dubya, V-Mart’s day-to-day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Cameron – Returning on Tuesday. Didn’t I already talk about this schomhawk? Oh, yeah, I did. (The “I did” link we lead you to the answer. If you ignore the answer, skip 7 pages ahead and slay the dragon.)
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. If you would’ve popped your head out of a DeLorean in the preseason and told me at the end of May Adrian Beltre would be hitting .335, I would’ve told you he’s headed for fantasy MVP honors. Crazy how far his power has disappeared.Please, blog, may I have some more?
In an unprecedented move, I’m making Aramis Ramirez a Buy after labeling him a schmohawk in the preseason. Crazy, right? Get me a constituency and a mistress, I’m a flip-flopping politician? I’ll run on the “No more new tuxes” campaign. Then when people elect me and say they thought it was a typo or a weird lisp, I’ll tell them, “No, I’m just not buying a new tuxedo.” I don’t want to talk up Aramis too much because I don’t think he’s a surefire stud. He is what he is. A 25 homer, 90+ RBI, .280 guy. This past April was his worst month ever. The next closest month of the last six years was when he hit .197 in April of 2006. In the last six years, he never had more than two months under .250 in the same year. Right now, his BABIP is the unrealistic .160. His career mark is .288. That’s obviously a far way off. I wouldn’t give my dead grandma’s broach to get Aramis, but right now his owners don’t even want him or your nana’s forget-me-not. You can probably trade a Brain Freeze and a schmohawk and get him. Check raise the bettor, cause you have alligator’s blood. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Kris Medlen – In the minors, he averaged a 9+ K/9. Last year in 67+ innings with the Braves, he had a 9+ K/9. I don’t think he’s just going to walk away with Jurrjens’ rotation spot, but if Jurrjens has a setback (that’s a lilliputian “if”), Medlen could stick around for a month or so, giving a mid-3 ERA, a manageable WHIP and great Ks. I <3 Medlen.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brett Cecil appeared in the April 23rd version of the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell. I liked his strikeout stuff and thought he was up to the task. He secretly confided in me it was a lot of pressure on him. He never had a mustachioed man ask anything of him, at least not one that wasn’t wearing a raincoat and no pants. His WHIP sits at 0.77 through 20 2/3 innings. Thank you, can I bring you your slippers? He has 21 Ks. Yup, more than a strikeout per inning. Last night, he had a perfect game in the 7th inning and ended up going 8 innings, 1 ER and 10 Ks. He’s getting a bit lucky, but he’s worth owning in all twelve team leagues, while ten teamers should hover their grabby hands just over his name. Honey, could you bring me a Dr.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sometimes when a player gets hurt, I feel bad if I told you to buy into them. I’m like, “Shove your emotions into your cankles, you sissy!” Alas, my inner Native American watching someone litter in a 70′s commercial comes out. A tear forms in my eye and rolls into my mustache. Then I leave it there to remind me of my fallen fantasy baseball comrades. This mustache holds a lot of tears. But when a player that I warned you against like Aaron Hill heads off to the DL with tightness in his hamstring, I do a little dance like MC Skat Cat. You know the kid in high school that wore a helmet all day that you used to make fun of? Okay, now remember when you were alone in the hallway and that same kid walk passed you and you said hello to him because no one else was around? Today, that kid is Aaron Hill’s owners. Save your ridicule until their back is turned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jimmy Rollins – Having an MRI on his right calf strain. Mr.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Taking his name from the Telemundo reruns of Kojak, Ubaldo Jimenez currently has a 3.86 ERA, a 3.33 FIP (Fielding Independent Pitching) and a 3.71 Away ERA. Chuck in a 7.63 K/9 and a schedule right after the break of either away games or easy matchups. In the 2nd half last year, Ubaldo had a 3.68 ERA and almost a K an inning. I’d grab him (and not start him at home vs.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Much like a newly married female, the Blue Jays have dropped BJ from the active roster. Imagine this scenario. You walk into your fro-yo distribution job, say what’s up to your TCBY manager who’s twelve years younger than you, open up the jimmies container and proceed to flip them, one at a time, at your manager’s head. Timothy asks you politely to stop. You politely give him a wedgie. Naturally, he fires you. Then you collect your salary for the next year. Man, the life of a terrible baseball player may be better than the life of a marginal one who has to play every day. B.J.Please, blog, may I have some more?