Fantasy Baseball Advice

Carlos Ruiz and angry Philly fans have a new battery mate in Cliff Lee, as he was traded from the Indians along with Ben Francisco. Going the other way were a slew of prospects, including my fave, Carlos Carrasco.  J.P. Ricciardi thought the Indians should’ve held out for Howard, Utley and Rollins.  Now to finalize this deal, Cliff should change his name to Phil.  Cliff Lee’s value takes a small boost, but he has a 3.14 ERA already.  You’ll take a low 3 ERA and love it.  You know who else gets a nice boost from this trade?  Matt LaPorta.  The MLP Package should get the call up to play with Francisco leaving his starts in, well, Cleveland.  Though the MLP Package should’ve been up and playing already and that hasn’t really happened yet.  Keep an eye on LaPorta in mixed 12 team leagues and deeper, because when he gets called up, he’ll be worth owning.  In some leagues, I’d even do a preemptive grab.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Freddy Sanchez – Traded to the Giants.  Sanchez’s value stays about the same.  Finally, the Giants have a 2nd baseman.  Now if they only had a 1st baseman, shortstop and three outfielders, they’d be all set.  The Giants must’ve thought to themselves, “Hey, if the Dodgers can compete with essentially the same quality 2nd baseman as Sanchez, why can’t we?”  A wise man once said that, “If Freddy Sanchez is an upgrade to your offense, you need a lot more than just Freddy Sanchez.”  That wise man was me.

Tim Alderson – Was the prospect that the Pirates got for Sanchez.  Scouting the Unknown has already gone over Tim Alderson.  The Cliff Notes version is, “Tim Alderson very good.  For Freddy Sanchez?  Giants idiots.”

Ian Snell – Headed to Safeco with Jack Wilson (blech) for Jeff Clement and Ronny Cedeno (blech x 2).  Jack Wilson for Ronny Cedeno is like trading a wiffle bat for a foam bat.  Snell though is intriging.  He was decent for about a year in Pittsburgh.  Going to Safeco and a fairly weak AL West isn’t terrible for his value. (The AL West weak?  The Mariners are contenders and they traded for Jack Wilson.  ‘Nuff said.)  Would I pick Snell up?  Nope, not yet.  But I’ll be watching him as he mows ‘em down in Tacoma.

Jeff Clement – He’ll be in the minors at first at, um, first, but if he gets the call he’ll be worth looking since he has catcher eligibility.  More than likely, he won’t steal ABs from Doumit, unless Doumit gets hurt, which has a decent chance of happening every day Doumit gets out of bed.  Clement will probably work his way into the 1st base mix when, or if, he gets called up.

Lastings Milledge – Argh, enough Pirates news already.  Milledge is supposed to be recalled on Friday.

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER and a no decision.  Glad to see that trade for Garko has added some much needed punch.

Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 3 ER.  J.P. Ricciardi asked Halladay to give up a few runs so no one would meet his demands.  Part of the master plan!

Jose Lopez – HR yesterday.  Usually he hits homers in bunches.

Adam Jones – Last week, I pointed out how Jones was hot again.  This week, he has 3 straight games with a homer.

Chris Tillman – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Eh, he looked a’ight.  Touched up for a few long balls and left some pitches up in the zone that could have led to a worse line.  Vs. the Royals you’d like to see a bit more, but he’s a rookie.  If you wanna try for the upside, you have to take on the risk.  Vs. the AL East?  I wouldn’t bother in one year leagues, except for matchups.

Jim Johnson – He entered the 8th in a save situation then the O’s added on, so Johnson stayed in and got the save.  Doesn’t mean he’s now the closer, but it may mean he’s next in line.  Which is good to know, ya know?

Joba Chamberlain – 8 IP, 0 ER.  Now three great starts in a row where he’s looked less like his mother’s son.

David Ortiz – DNP as Lowell DH’d and LaRoche played 1st.  The LaRoche Situation™ is costing all of these guys playing time.

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 7 ER.  Not pretty, obviously, but after being touched up in the 1st inning, he threw 6 scoreless until Dusty left him in there too long.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks, 2 baserunners.  Very encouraging start from the young pitcher, but keep in mind he only threw 86 pitches.  On most nights, 86 pitches won’t get you through the 7th inning.  But as a HopdgePadre?  Get on the train!

Edward Mujica – Well, that cleared that up.  He’s no longer in the running for the closer job if Bell moves, because Mujica’s taking Geer’s spot in the rotation.  Mujica will be limited to 60 pitches so he’s not a wise investment.

Andruw Jones – 2 HRs. Oh, and having a better season than Josh Hamilton.

Scott Feldman – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, while looking more like his brother, Corey.

Curtis Granderson – 2 HRs.  I feel like Grandy’s putting together a very solid season (22 HRs/17 steals) and it’s going by pretty unnoticed.  Not sure why.  Is it because he’s batting .259?  Cause I’ll take a .240 average from a guy who’s on his way to a 30/25 season.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 13 Ks and his 12th win.  He has 172 Ks through July.  Incredible.  Yeah, he could win the Cy Young.

Carlos Quentin – HR yesterday.  About flippin’ time.

Wladimir Balentien – Traded to the Reds for bag of buttered popcorn.  Confusing on a few levels.  The Reds needed an outfielder?  The Reds are buyers?  I guess Baker just can’t stand the thought of playing Gomes every day.

Howie Kendrick – Batting .450 in the last seven games.  Yesterday, homer and 5 RBIs.  Is it me or is every middle infielder simultaneously hot?  It’s The Age of the MI Schmohawk.

Francisco Liriano – Brian Duensing replaced him yesterday not because Liriano’s been terrible, though that reason would’ve worked for me, but because Lirano had swelling in his forearm.  Supposedly, Liriano should be fine by next week.  I’m not sure if that’s good news or bad news for Liriano owners.

Alfonso Soriano – Al-So’s smoking the ball.  You know who else is hot?  Aramis and Lee.  About time the Cubbies stepped up their hitting. (BTW, I like how in yesterday’s blowout Piniella pulled his regulars, except Bradley.  Maybe Lou feels the same way as me.  If Milton plays enough, he’s got to get hurt.  It’s no coincidence that Milton Bradley makes the Operation game.)

Reed Johnson – Out four weeks with a broken foot.  The other day Randy was hurt.  This is the worst week to be a Johnson since Lorena Bobbitt was famous.

Taking his name from the Telemundo reruns of Kojak, Ubaldo Jimenez currently has a 3.86 ERA, a 3.33 FIP (Fielding Independent Pitching) and a 3.71 Away ERA.  Chuck in a 7.63 K/9 and a schedule right after the break of either away games or easy matchups.  In the 2nd half last year, Ubaldo had a 3.68 ERA and almost a K an inning.  I’d grab him (and not start him at home vs. the Braves or any other tough matchups at home).  Is Ubaldo going to win you a league?   Doode, I don’t even know your league.  Ubaldo is not just a cute name.  No, sir (or sire, if you’re a time traveler), he’s a matchups pitcher!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jorge de la Rosa – Hey, it’s all about the Rockies pitchers.  Sweet, I always wanted to lose my fantasy baseball league!  What, no more Padres hitters? Cute, random italicized voice.  He has a 3.89 ERA Away from Coors and he strikes out more than one batter per inning.  If you’re in a daily league, he’s worth a spot for matchups.

Dexter Fowler – 4 steals in the last week.  SAGNOF!

Franklin Gutierrez – In a week that saw the actor that played The Big Ragoo wash ashore with a DUI, The Big FraGu hit 2 homers and batted .429.  He’ll hit for some power and run with some speed while singing & dancing.

Rafael Furcal – He’s been on fire lately.  If you’re hurting at SS (and who isn’t), you might see if you can get him for cheap.  Though at this point any Furcal owner is probably holding onto him for their dear life, praying they get some production for where they had to draft him.

Andruw Jones – Ah, he’s playing again with a smile.  Actually, he always played with a smile, which I think was part of the problem.  Too much, too soon and all of that.  He was kinda like a child actor for baseball players.  Hopefully he avoids the methadone clinic.  Then again, Hamilton’s done okay for himself.  Jones is worth a pickup in all leagues while he’s hitting to see how long it lasts.

Homer Bailey – Maybe, possibly, perhapsly Bailey’s finally, ultimately, in the endly showing the signs of his promising promise. (The preceding was written by a high school student who just discovered a thesaurus.)

Marc Rzepczynski – The consonant monger had a great K-rate in the minors and is worth a flier in AL-Only leagues.

Garrett Jones – I went over him in last week’s Buy/Sell.  I refuse to go over a Pirates prospect again.  I have me morals, argh!

David Price - You held him for so long and now you’re going to give up on him?  Do you remember why you were holding him?  Patience, grasshopper.

Ricky Romero – Why isn’t he owned in every league?  Just give me your password and I’ll pick him up for you.

Paul Maholm – Keeping with the theme of pitchers you never thought you’d want to own, Maholm’s ERA is 4.60 and his FIP is 3.52.  His career 2nd half ERA is 3.95.  He’s allergic to strikeouts and as exciting as corduroy pants, but he’s worth a flier if available.

Joel Pineiro – What would a post about pitchers who are valuable that you don’t want to own be without Pineiro?

Brandon Morrow – Don’t forget about domani!  He’s worth owning in every league, but I’d still play matchups for now.

SELL

Mark Buehrle – Objects on your fantasy baseball team are better than they appear.

Derrek Lee – Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite game, Fantasy Baseball, Fun With Numbers.  Ding, ding, ding… Bassoon… Triangle!  Triangle!  Triangle!  Cow bell!  More cow bell!  One last ding. Player A) 38/16/58/.304, Player B) 38/16/53/.279 Player C) 37/14/45/.283/1  Player A is Paul Konerko, B is Lee and C is Kendry Morales.  I’m not saying trade Derrek Lee for a cup of Beef Vegetable soup, but if you can get a worthwhile piece and can grab a Konerko or Morales-type off waivers, it’s worth exploring.  Remember, he’s Derrek Overbay to those in the know.

Russell Branyan – Wasn’t that long ago that I had him as a Buy.  Well, times change.  People, besides Joan Rivers, get older.  And Branyan’s hitting .161 in July.  Not saying to drop him, but you’re holding a 33-year-old who has a career .237 average in almost 2300 ABs.  His average will continue to slide.

Colby Rasmus – I’m a big fan.  He’ll probably be the Rookie of the Year.  But right now he’s on a week or two binge where everyone’s telling you to Buy him.  Let’s not lose sight of the big picture here.  He’s a 20 homer rookie who gets benched against lefties.  I told you to buy him in May because I knew he could do what he’s doing, but you don’t buy him now.  You sell him now.  As in trade him, don’t drop him.  You need alligator blood when the bettor check raises to you.

Jose Contreras – In May of last year, Contreras had a 2.09 ERA in over 43 innings.  In June, he had a 6.83 ERA.  In his last 43 and 2/3 innings, he has a 2.06 ERA.  Beware of a correction in the road.

Jair Jurrjens – On May 22nd, I said, “Jar-Jar’s a lot closer to a 3.75 ERA pitcher, instead of a 1.96 ERA.  His Ks are low and his luck is high.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Since that faithful day when my Sell post intersected with Jurrjens, he’s gone 2-5/3.86/1.42/43 in just over 53 innings.  That’s much closer to the pitcher he is.  Sorry, but at least I didn’t title this post, “Jar-Jar Sinks.”

Much like a newly married female, the Blue Jays have dropped BJ from the active roster.  Imagine this scenario.  You walk into your fro-yo distribution job, say what’s up to your TCBY manager who’s twelve years younger than you, open up the jimmies container and proceed to flip them, one at a time, at your manager’s head.  Timothy asks you politely to stop.  You politely give him a wedgie.  Naturally, he fires you.  Then you collect your salary for the next year.  Man, the life of a terrible baseball player may be better than the life of a marginal one who has to play every day.  B.J. Ryan was released yesterday.  Now he has more time to count his money.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wandy Rodriguez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks.  In fairness to those who don’t own him, this was an easy matchup.  For those that do own him, yee-haw!

Rafael Soriano – Now has more saves than Mike Gonzalez and more vowels than Rzepczynski.

Kevin Hart – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 walks.  Belch.

Kenshin Kawakami - 6 IP, 1 ER.  His last start he went 4 1/3 IP and 4 earned vs. the Nats.  I can’t imagine a scenario where Kawakami is not a risky start.  Whether the matchups are favorable or not.

Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-4, with his 14th homer yesterday.  He trails only Ben Zobrist in most homers by a shortstop.  He also trails Zobrist in awesomeness, but ya’ll knew that.

Manny Parra – Returning to start Thursday vs. the Cards.  He’ll need three decent starts before I even consider him.  Burn me once, shame on you.  Burn me twice, stop freakin’ burning me, pyro!

Chad Gaudin – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 7 baserunners.  Over IM, Rudy said this, “(Gaudin) is so hit or miss.”  I said, “Yup.”  Rudy then said, “But don’t put that in the roundup.”  I said, “No problem.”

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  I watched most of this game to see one thing, how does Scherzer throw so many pitches and not get out of the 7th inning? (That’s a complete lie.  I watch every Diamondback game I can because of Mini Donkey.) Seems like Scherzer just gets himself into lots of deep counts.  Kershaw and him really are the same pitcher.

Felipe Lopez – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  Man, he got cold as dog balls for a long time.  Hitting one homer for all of May and June combined.  At least steal some bases.  You’re making me look bad!  Hopefully, he can get hot for a few weeks and get into double digits for homers and steals.

Chris Volstad – Threw a five-hit shutout as he K’d 6.  Guess who he was facing.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.  *taps finger*  The Giants!   C’mon, that was a gimme.

Dan Uggla – Hit his 16th homer yesterday, batting .223.  Yeah, that’s not great.  Need to raise that to .250 or hit about 5 more homers for that not to matter.

Oliver Perez – 5 IP, 2 ER.  Wow, he had a solid game? 7 walks.  Oh.

Joe Mauer – HR yesterday.  He’s had four HRs since his insane 11 homer May.  Maybe he had a BJ Upton playoff cortisone shot in May when he hit those 11 HRs.  Not sure, but since then he’s returned to his high average, below average power ways.

David Aardsma – 3 ER, 5 baserunners, no outs.  Aardsma’s showing why you can’t spell his last name without a Double A.

Roy Halladay – May approve a trade. Big news was the Yankees wouldn’t go after him.  What about the Pirates?  Will the Pirates go after him?  Why isn’t that news?

Zach Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Since June his ERA’s over 4 and his WHIP is above 1.30.  Correia has been better.  Snap!

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Just the other day I was asking for him to steal more.  You’re welcome.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks. Since his recall, 3.44/1.20 with 13 Ks.  Money?  Not really, but we are in a recession.  It’s decent.

Scott Kazmir – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Doode is killing me.  I mean, I have Gaudin and Wandy throw solid games then this guy comes along and throws this shizz.  I’m close to punting him.  Sometimes it’s just better to let someone else pick up the poison pill.

Ben Zobrist – HR yesterday and 4 RBIs… The Zo!

Scott Downs – Returned and gave up the game-winning single, but the earned run was charged to Frasor.  Yeah, way to make the other guy look bad.  I know that trick.  Have I mentioned Rudy wanted to draft Kazmir?  Rudy, “Yeah, Fred Lewis has been terrific.”

J.D. Drew – HR yesterday while leading off as Ellsbury hit 6th.  What’s this, an OBP move?  This is ridiculous.  Can someone text Francona that he needs to switch these two?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Mets in Metco.  This is one of the problems with Kuroda.  Last year, he led the league in FLAKE, which is basically the deviation from start to start a pitcher has.  It’s a real term.  Well, I mean, as real as a term can be that is made up by a baseball geek in his Mom’s basement.  Leave my socks there, it’s just dried glue!

Jose Contreras - 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. Since he came back from the minors, he’s pitching like he’s actually 37-years-old as his ESPN player card says.  37… Ha!

Ervin Santana – 4 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, things aren’t getting better.  Let him have a shred of dignity and shut him down.

Taylor Teagarden – Hit his first homer of the year.  Wow, member when you were thinking about drafting this guy?

Andruw Jones – 5 Hrs in the last four games as he batted cleanup.  You don’t have to like the hot guy to pick up the hot guy.  (<–Quote from He’s Just Not That Into You, but it applies here.)

Donald Veal – Returned from the DL.  Surprisingly, he didn’t have a calf problem.

(Note from Rudy:  I wanted the title, “Ditch Stitch Tits.”  Over Instant Messenger, Grey thickly said, “What’s with you and the stitch tits?  This is about Vlad, not Pamela Anderson.” It means Vlad had a pectoral tear.  Your pectoral is in your chest.  Sorry none of you could bask in my preferred title.  Now, carry on, Grey — lamer!)  Vladimir Guerrero is due back on Monday from a torn pectoral.  I’m not a doctor, but occasionally I played one in my preteen years.  All I know of the pectoral is it’s somewhere in Vlad’s body.  Do I have one?  Maybe.  No idea.  So let’s go with what I do know.  Scioscia lies; he lies when he cries that Vlad can’t play the outfield, but can DH, which he said on April 7th, right before Vlad missed six weeks.  When Vlad did finally hit the DL, some source that Jayson Stark won’t reveal (because this is just so damning I suppose) said, “When those offensive linemen get (the same injury as Vlad) in the NFL, they’re out for the year.”  So, assuming Vlad doesn’t need to block Jose Guillen from trying to tackle Scioscia, will Vlad be in the clear come Monday?  Not likely.  The injury that was only supposed to effect him when he throws has already sidelined him for 6 weeks from hitting.  I’m assuming the Angels brass got together and decided half of a Vlad (or Vl) was a lot more intimidating hitting in the middle of the lineup than sitting on the sidelines doing Sudoku.  This does not mean you need to have him in your fantasy lineup.  Remember last year from June on, Vlad only hit 20 homers, or about what Raul Ibanez has done already (Raul!).  Then you throw in the risk of having a player who is a Latin 34 with deteriorating skills and knees and he’s a sell.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brian Anderson – Could have some slight value in AL-Only leagues.  Though if you have a erection for longer than 4 hours after picking up Brian Anderson, you should seek advice from a doctor.

David Aardsma – He’s worked his way into the last two Buy/Sells going for the record of 4, which is currently held by last summer’s Cliff Lee when I kept telling people to sell him.  Hmm…

Jorge Posada – I’m not a huge fan of Jorge, but if he’s on waivers right now and you’re hurting for a catcher, I’d stash him in my DL spot.  He’s due back soon.  Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Paul Konerko – Not a thrilling name (he’s no Posada!) but he’s been hitting for average recently with power coming on.  He has 20 more homers in his bat.

Casey Blake – Keeping with the boring veteran theme, Blake’s good for 85/25/95/.270 and one alleged homicide.

Scott Hairston – Wait, where are the exciting names?  A hitter on the Padres?  This is the worst Buy/Sell ever! Thanks, random italicized voice.   Yeah, Hairston’s boring as dog balls and yawnstipating at best, but he’s hot right now and hitting in the middle of the Padres order.  I wouldn’t trade for him, but if you need a Hot Hitter Injection in your outfield, he’s worth a looksee.

Mat Gamel – Interleague is here and Gamel will see DH ABs.  Just hold him until the end of interleague because if he torches right handers this weekend, you’ll wish you gave him a few more days.  Oh, and if he hits righties like he’s capable of, he might platoon with H.A. double hockey sticks when they go back to those old school NL vs. NL match-ups.  Or Hall might move to 2nd.  All we need is just a little patience.

J.A. Happ – Will Happ be crapp?  PPotentially.  But he’s worth a pickup (don’t start him) in 12 team or deeper leagues.

Homer Bailey – Never trust a pitcher named Homer?  Well, not at first I wouldn’t.

Kris Medlen – Hmm… Let’s see if Grey can take out his magic stick on these schmohawks.  Happ, Medlen then Bailey, in that order.  But, guys, they’re all rookie pitchers.  You’re taking on a lot of risk.  As I’ve said before, a rookie hitter goes 0-for-16 and he does little damage to your team.  A rookie pitcher gives up 6 earned in 4 innings and it hurts.

Gil Meche - Like Meche much?  Yup.  Though not quite as much as this guy likes Brian Shouse.

Rafael Betancourt – Do I trust Betancourt at all?  No, but picking up cheap saves isn’t a trust exercise.

Jesus Guzman – He has Bugs Bunny numbers down in Triple-A, but he can’t field to the point where Gamel would be used as his defensive replacement.  Might just be up for the interleague series or he might relieve the Giants fans of having to watch Ishikawa bat.  In deep leagues and NL-Only ones, he’s worth a flier.  Oh, and in ESPN leagues, he’s eligible at shortstop.  Zoinks!

Jonny Gomes – Worth a flier in NL-Only leagues.  But Gomes is so AAAA.  So, in that way, he’s twice the player that Josh Hamilton is.

SELL

Jair Jurrjens – Jar-Jar’s a lot closer to a 3.75 ERA pitcher, instead of a 1.96 ERA.  His Ks are low and his luck is high.  But for those of you with Restless Trade Finger, don’t trade him for a bag of buttered popcorn and a postcard stamp.  He shouldn’t collapse.

Corey Hart – ’80s pop icon has been struggling, though hitting fine against righties.  (Fine’s obviously subjective here, but no worse than how he’s hitting against lefties.  But if the Brewers really wanted to mess with his mind, they could start Gerut against some righties.  You shouldn’t be dropping Hart, or selling him low, but it’s a situation to track.

Jose Lopez – Who are you, Lopez?  You’re not even a Sparky Anklebiter.  You suck.  Goodbye.

Adrian Beltre – A drain on my patience.  I’m done with you too.  Now don’t make me ever watch the Mariners again.  Frankly, I don’t ever even want to go to Seattle now.  You ruined it for me.  Are you happy?

Howie Kendrick – Batting 9th, but let’s assume that’s the 2nd number one hitter in the order.  Okay, so he’s batting in front of Figgins and Erick Aybar… He’s going to get bunted to third every time he gets on base?  Goodbye, hate you too.

Trevor Hoffman – Currently has a 0.00 ERA. That actually might have people believing he’s about to save 40 games.  Well, maybe he does, but if you can trade Hoffman for an every day hitter or a “go pitcher,” remember SAGNOF.

Roy Oswalt – Name value is all that’s carrying him at this point.  His Ks are down.  He’s not even being particularly unlucky.  His men left on base are about where they should be.  He’s looking like a 4.50 ERA pitcher right now.  Hold the sides of your head because I’m about to blow your mind.  Wandy’s better than Roy.

Conor Jackson – Gag me with a spoon!  Jackson contracted Valley Fever that turned into pneumonia which has given his owners the boogie woogie blues.  This pneumonia – which may drag on all year like Casey Kotchman’s mono – makes him droppable in all but NL-only formats.

Andruw Jones – Your laissez faire attitude was fine when you were in your twenties, but now you’re just fat and lazy and hope everything comes easy to you.  Me to Andruw, not my Mom to me.  I’m not fat.

After a great first week (3 HR, 5 RBI), Troy Tulowitzki has done a whole lot of nothing. From 4/12 to 4/29, 0 HR and 0 RBI. He’s K-ing in 28% of his ABs, almost double his career rate.  He’s now sporting a .200 AVG for the year. He got ‘benched’ for a game in favor of Clint Barmes.  So what’s the silver lining?  First and foremost, Tulo is a slow starter.  Unlike Robby Cano and LaRoche Sr., he lived up to his historically poor form.  In 2007-2008, he hit .197 over 187 April ABs.  When his K goes back to his normal 15% and the BABIP pendulum swings at least a little to the middle (at .225 right now), the AVG will take care of itself.  He’s too young and Colorado is too elevated to think he can’t get 20+ HRs if he stays healthy all year.  Once the weather starts heating up, expect Tulo to heat up as well.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Lance Berkman – He’s batting .162.  I think owners might fear Berkman’s too old or it’s one of those years when he just sucks.  There’s no way his average stays that low, so we’re looking at a major correction for a career .300 hitter.  Think of a .400 June.  That’s hawt!

Brandon Phillips – Like my hair during the heyday of Vanilla Ice, Phillips is streaky (with blonde highlights!).  Phillips will go a month where he’s dreadful.  April was one of those months.  He can just as easily hit .290 in May and hit 5 HRs and get 7 steals.  Check raise to the bettor, snitches!

Phil Hughes – It’s Phil of the Future… Finally, now.  Maybe.  But it’s worth a flier to find out.

Chad Gaudin – He’s in Petco?  Yes, please.

Eric Patterson – His family originates from Patterson, NJ and when Eric was born in Holy Oak Hospital they looked out the window and saw a passing bus with a man they thought was Eric Roberts driving said bus.  It wasn’t, but they liked the name.  Oh, and Eric Patterson can steal.

Ryan Madson – Whether Lidge goes to the DL or not, Madson can be owned.  If Lidge goes to the DL, Madson should be owned.

Julian Tavarez – SAGNOF!

Joe Beimel – Only if you have room on your DL.  Don’t load up on Nats relievers, they’re bad for your complexion.

Kendry Morales – When I wrote a sleeper post two months ago about this guy I was widely ignored.  And I will probably be ignored again.  He’s kind of like Mike Jacobs with less power but a better average.  Enticing!

Andruw Jones – I really don’t trust this guy to keep the bottom from falling out, but if you get a good week or two from him, whatevs.

Adam Rosales – Who knows how long Edwin’s going to be out?  You a doctor?  Nah, me either.  Though I did help deliver Eric Patterson and that was Eric Roberts driving that bus!  Rosales should be owned in NL-Only leagues.

Brett Cecil – Okay, the newest rookie pitcher to add in leagues deeper than 10 team mixed.  Cecil may do a lot of nothing in this promotion, so I’d bench him for his first start.  Why pickup a pitcher to bench, you ponder internally.  Here’s the thing, and it’s the same reason I told you to grab Holland last week, if a rookie pitcher explodes on the scene, you want to own him.  And a lot of times a rookie pitcher will come on like a comet burning brightly for a couple of starts.  (Cueto’s first two starts last year: 13 1/3 IP, 18 Ks, 3 ER, 0 Walks)  But, like a comet, his fire will probably burn out quickly when the league catches up to him.  Then hot rookie callup pitcher will go into a correction period, lasting a few months.  Now, while the whole world’s set ablaze with him, you can flip him for a junky closer.  School’s out, Alice Cooper.

Carlos Quentin – You probably think I’m dropping ‘ludes putting Quentin on the Buy list when he’s already sitting on 8 HRs.  Could he get better?  Yeppers!  Right now, Quentin’s sporting a very low BABIP, which means he’s been unlucky.  May could be even better.

Huston Street -  The horsies go up and down as the Rockies closer carousel continues to spin.  Put on one of those faded leather seatbelts that smells like baby vomit and get on.

Matt LaPorta – It’s a renaissance for guys with a capitalized letter in the middle of their last name — LaPorta, LaRoche, LaSagna.

SELL

Matt Holliday – Sorry, but you shouldn’t have bought him to begin with.

Kosuke Fukudome – Don’t drop him, but if you think he’s going to be productive all year, you’re mistaken.  Not mistaken like, “What Adam’s Apple?”  But mistaken nevertheless.

Fred Lewis – Maybe beans do burn on the grill.  Lewis is batting near .300 with 1 RBI and 1 steal.  Those are “Grandpa” Al Lewis levels of production.

Kelly Johnson – Johnson seems to always flirt with being benched for some also-ran, this month it’s Omar Baby.  Then Johnson always seems to come back in a month or two and hit the cover off the ball.  Happens every year.  Chuck KJ for now in 12 team mixed leagues or shallower, and come back to him when he’s hot. (BTW, how cool would it be if your name was Chuck KJ?  That’s it.  No last name.  Not short for Charles.  Just Chuck KJ.  Splash on a bottle of Drakkar, hit the bar and get laid.  Why?  Cause you’re Chuck KJ!)