Fantasy Baseball Advice

It was a big day for one of my favorite mancrushes, Brandon Allen, as he was called up.  In Triple-A this year, 18 homers, 7 steals and a .426 OBP.  He’s cut from the same cloth as all the donkeys that have come before him.  Hopefully, he’s less 2010 Big Donkey, because Adam Dunn looks like he’s still got David Eckstein in a bjorn and letting the little man swing for him.  In the majors from Allen, first, expect nothing.  That’s always a good way to start.  At least that’s what I tell the ladies.  If the Diamondbacks give Allen ABs, which I do think they will, he will get 10 to 13 homers and a few steals.  That’s the baseline.  When you hear the baseline, you nod your head.  Or maybe that’s the bassline.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to stop sucking.

Brett Anderson – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  Jonah Hill clearly said don’t trade for him.

Ike Davis – Ike’s taking so many hits while on the DL, somewhere Tina Turner’s smiling.  Now Davis could need ankle surgery in three weeks.  By the time the Mets figure out Davis’s injury, it’s going to start to hurt him for next year.  Hey, Mets, go to a different health care provider and get off the HMO!

Carlos Beltran – Love how the rumors of him being traded heat up the same day the Mets management says the trade of K-Rod doesn’t mean they’re throwing in the towel.  Kinda like how Rocky didn’t throw in the towel until Apollo was dead.

Bobby Parnell – Still my favorite for saves, but now the Mets are saying it could be Izzy or even Pedro Beato.  I think the Mets are just trying to enhance Izzy’s trade value by saying he’s the closer.  He might get a save or two until he gets on the casino bus.

Carlos Gonzalez – Supposed to be back for Friday’s game.  To give you some insight into the inner sanctum of the ‘stache, I almost made Carlos Gonzalez a sell in this afternoon’s post.  I’m pretty worried about the wrist.  If it hurts his power, you’re looking at a top outfielder in name only.

Julio Borbon  – Could miss two months if he needs surgery on his ankle.  If this news is disheartening for your fantasy team, you have bigger fish to fry.  And for those that drank too much Wild Turkey last night and found us after they Googled “Borbon fantasy,” the hallucinations will stop soon.

Bartolo Colon – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Colon blow!

Andruw Jones – Hit two homers last night to pad his once Hall of Fame stats.  They should start a Baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame in Cupertino.  Andruw, Delgado and McGriff can be the inaugural class.

Justin Morneau – Was cleared to resume non-baseball activities.  So he can now do pretty much the same things he’s been doing since April.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Two and a half more months of starts like this and we’ll be copacetic.

Carlos Marmol – 0 IP, 5 ER.  YOU STUPID MOTHER–  We interrupt this program to remind all our readers the importance of family.  Call someone you love and tell them they’re special.  OR CALL MARMOL AND TELL HIM HE’S PIECE OF SH– Or just go outside and smell the flowers.  ONLY IF IT’LL TAKE THE STINK AWAY FROM THIS MARMOL OUTING!

Mike Napoli – Slam and legs.  What are the chances?  Same as my chances with his Mom.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 15th home run.  If I had access to the government’s time machine (and they have one!), then I’d go back in time to March and draft Asdrubal in the first round of every league just so I can see my leaguemates’ faces (assuming I did a draft in person).

Carlos Santana – 2-for-5 with his 14th home run.  I only mention this because I want a dozen catcher questions in the comments.  I crave your attention.  Shower me with it!

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He has a 2.80 ERA, yet I don’t think I’ve felt good about starting him all year.  Cust kayin’.

Yovani Gallardo – 4 IP, 6 ER.  His Outkast song would be, So Inconsistent, So Frustrating.

Trevor Plouffe – Here was an IM exchange between Rudy and I:  R:  You should mention Trevor Plouffe as a Buy.  G: Did you make up that name?  R: No.  G:  Are you lying?  R: No.  G:  Are you sure?  R: Yes.  G: His name sounds like the sound crap makes when it hits the toilet water.  R:  He’s a shortstop with power.  For deep leagues.  G: How about I mention him in the roundup?  R: That works.  G: Should I make up a team name for this make believe player?  R: I hate you.  Rudy likes Plouffe a lot in AL-Only leagues.  Solid power at a weak position, though he could struggle for average.  Yesterday, he hit his 4th homer.  Mark Whiten, “In one game?!”  No, Mark, on the year.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s my Bart, and I am his Sideshow Bob.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4, if only he could come off the DL every night, instead of every 15 days.  Member three days ago when I put him in my top 100 for the 2nd half and you did a double take?  Luckily, you didn’t do a spit take, that could mess up your keyboard.

Derek Holland – I will simply say I could pitch against the Mariners in Safeco and I throw like a girl (no offense to our 3 girl readers; if you have any friends, your man Grey is single again.  Hello!).

Jose Bautista – Twisted ankle has JB day-to-day.  Since I don’t own him anywhere, why couldn’t he be more seriously injured?  Excuse me, I need to be unbiased.  Please let him be okay (after the season).

Travis Snider – 3-for-5, with his 6th steal.  Don’t drink whatever it is Aaron Hill’s drinking with all that stealing and no power nonsense.  Please.

Eric Thames – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and…Okay, everyone on the Blue Jays went 3-for-5 with 3 RBIs so there’s that.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.

Jon Rauch – What’s six-eight with tattoos on its neck?  A giraffe at the Bronx Zoo.  Oh, and the new Blue Jays closer.  For right now at least.

Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over.  This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there.  It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg.  Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time.  As Eli would say, oy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him.  I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns.  You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks.  I do still have much love for him.  Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5, was called up and led off for the Braves.  With his poor slash line in the minors this year, the only thing Schafer should be leading off is Letterman shows.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and now has three straight games with a home run.  Dot, dot, dash.  That’s Morse code for pick him up right now.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and he pitchslapped Jason Marquis.  In Greinke’s last three games, he’s given up 5 ER, 4 ER and 3 ER.  I look forward to his start in early June when he throws a shutout.

Zach Braddock – Still out with a sleep disorder, but yesterday he missed a rehab start because of a cracked fingernail.  He said, “I’m not going to let a fingernail–”  Then fell asleep mid-sentence.

Matt Guerrier – Lost yesterday’s game; Jansen lost the previous Dodgers loss.  Guerra, MacDougal, Rubby…. Your time to suck is now!  Dodger bullpen?  More like Dodgy bullpen.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Would’ve been nice to see more Ks — because I like Ks, okay?! — but he’s lowered his ERA from 4.93 on May 4th to 4.41 in the (not Denard) span of four starts.   Next stop, 4.00!

Hong-Chih Kuo – Throwing at 90% intensity as he works his way back from an anxiety condition.  Somebody just needs to ask him, “You happy with your status, Kuo?”

Juan Nicasio – Will get the Rockies Saturday start.  He was making it look easy in Double-A — 2.22 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, plus-10 K-rate.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.  Unfortunately, Double-A players sleep in hammocks that smell like mildew and can’t hit like major leaguers.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, you’re asking to get roofied if you grab Nicasio.  Though, if he pitches well, I could see reevaluating.

Jed Lowrie – 0-for-5 while the Sawx scored 14 runs.  Ticker tease!

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4 with his 4th home run in his last ten games while upping his batting average thirty-three points.  I don’t mind him, but Salty raises Rudy’s blood pressure.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, his 3rd home run and 2nd in three games.  On top of the homer, there were two doubles and some premature extrabasulation.  He’s batting .308 in May and the “Now Through Memorial Day” sale on Crawford ended early.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-4 and homers in back-to-back games.  Yesterday, someone asked if Hawpe’s recent hitting would keep Rizzo down.  The thing about Rizzo is the same with most rookies.  They fail — with or without a hashtag.  A rookie in Petco?  I would take a flyer, but I wouldn’t count on Rizzo saving your season.

Andruw Jones – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  Someone just woke from a five-year coma and can’t stop talking about the Hall of Fame career Andruw Jones is having.

Russell Martin – Has 9 homers and 4 steals on the year.  Not bad considering there were two Yankee backstops drafted before him.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, the Blue Jays manager (which I always feel the need to clarify), said Frank² was their closer.  Then he said Dotel, Frasor and Rauch could all jump on the closerousel if a matchup proved favorable.  By which he means, if they don’t want to blow the save, they’ll look elsewhere.

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  So, here’s a day in the life of Grey Albright:  Yesterday, I was backing up my SUV in a gas station and I ran into an old man walking behind my car.  Not on purpose!  I love old people.  They have good stories and carry hard candies.  But, from my rearview mirror, it looked like I decapitated him.  Quickly, I jump out of my car — after momentarily considering driving straight to Mexico and selling blankets and chiclets for the rest of my life.  Turned out I didn’t behead him, I knocked his toupee off.  I bring this up now because if the old man were Erik Bedard, he wouldn’t have walked away from the accident.  I.e., he’s injury prone.  Enjoy Bedard while you can, he’s not staying healthy.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-3 as The Big FraGu went deep for the first time this season.  To be clear, I like The Big FraGu’s nickname better than him.

Neftali Feliz – He got the save yesterday and his season ERA is 1.13.  Still, something is not right.  He has a 1.50 WHIP and 14 walks vs. 8 Ks.  This isn’t the same guy who has a career K-rate better than 9.  I’d say he’s hiding an injury, but his velocity has been fine.  It might be a mechanics thing.  I don’t know, I’m not Tom Emanski.  BTW, who’s the backup to grab in Texas?  Blech, no one really.  BTW II, The Return of BTW, there should be a Razzball glossary term for when your closer is doing poorly (Joakim Soria, anyone?), but the rest of the bullpen is so bad you just ignore it.  Make suggestions in the comments.  Thank you.

Luke Hochevar – 7 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K.  Seven innings and seven runs?  Looks like he was a victim of manager’s indifference.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks in Coors.  Sorry if I told you to bench him yesterday.  Mea culpa, my Latin friends.  I avoided a sonavabenching because Rudy snuck Kennedy into our lineup.  His ‘fro is obviously just camo-ing his giant brain.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On May 13th, I told you Ervin was about to be magic.  Since then, his ERA is 2.05.  Cust kayin’.

Wilson Valdez – Started at 2nd base for Utley then pitched the 19th inning to earn the win.  Geez, everyone’s breathing down Ryan Madson’s neck.  When the game ended at 2:45 AM, all fans remaining in attendance got to take home with them one homeless person.

Don Kelly – LL Donkey has started the last two games in front of Brandon Inge.  Inge needs to turn to Big Mike for some guidance.

Kevin Slowey – Out with an abdominal strain.  Jim Hoey to replace Kevin Slowey.  Too bad they couldn’t replace Joe Mauer with Jack Bauer.  “Look, Liriano, we don’t have time!  I need you to throw me a fastball low and outside and I need you to throw it NOW!”

Victor Martinez left the game after fouling the ball off his foot.  Wanna know our trade luck?  We just traded Jason Bay, Cervelli and Mike Gonzalez for V-Mart, Boesch and Desmond.  Is this karma for punting catchers in so many leagues over the years?  I hate you, fantasy baseball Gods.  You smite my team while I give you love.  I.  Give.  You.  Love!  Oh, bee tee dubya, V-Mart’s day-to-day.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Cameron – Returning on Tuesday.  Didn’t I already talk about this schomhawk?  Oh, yeah, I did.  (The “I did” link we lead you to the answer.  If you ignore the answer, skip 7 pages ahead and slay the dragon.)

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 1 RBI.  If you would’ve popped your head out of a DeLorean in the preseason and told me at the end of May Adrian Beltre would be hitting .335, I would’ve told you he’s headed for fantasy MVP honors.  Crazy how far his power has disappeared.

David Ortiz – Hit his eighth homer this month.  I think the average will level off around .260, but the power seems to be back.  He should be owned everywhere while he’s hitting.

Carlos Zambrano – Completed a simulated game.  Hey, this weekend I threw a simulated 150 in Wii bowling.  Eat it, Big Z, and the 15 foot baguette you rode in on!

Alfredo Simon – Headed to the DL with a bad hammy.  Doesn’t Alfredo know that with ham it’s carbonara?  A messy O’s bullpen just got messier.  I grabbed Cla Meredith and Will Ohman, in that order.  I grabbed both in some leagues where I had room.  That means every run the O’s give up after the 7th inning will be all mine.  Emphasis on “will.”

Wade Davis – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I told you to sell him in this Buy/Sell.  Not because a lack of stuff.  He’s just in a terrible division for matchups and he doesn’t go deep enough into games to get decisions.  It’s kinda hard to sell a guy who’s only teetering on number four fantasy starter value, but he might push another trade you have over the top if you have a believer, or a Wadvocate, if you will.  Obviously in keepers, you ignore the previous few sentences and continue to eat your breakfast.

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4.  You ever have a guy who you want to get sent down just so you can drop him?  That’s how I’ve felt with Beckham in a 20 team league for about three weeks.  Well, Beckham’s the spiting type.  He’s now batting .500 over his last three games.  It’s not incredible, but it’s something.

Bobby Jenks – Pitched a clean inning to avoid the Kazaam.  On a side note, he covered first on one play and it looked like he just ran a marathon.  He’s got Jenk in the trenk.

Andruw Jones – 1-for-4, now batting .239 and hasn’t hit a homer since May 5th.  He sold his soul for a good April?

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I’m just going to assume he pissed off the Fangraphs Database and that’s why his xFIP and FIP are so out of line with his ERA.

Austin Kearns – Hitting third for the Indians tonight.  Fitting since that team is going through a mother of growing pains.

Aaron Harang – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  At 100 pitches, Harang was at 2 earned runs, then Dusty sent him out there for a third of an inning and two more runs.  On the bright side, Dusty didn’t make him don a blonde wig and close out the game.

Roy Oswalt – Rumors swirl (clockwise or counterclockwise?) that the Nationals are interested in him.  You know it’s a sad day in Houston when their franchise is so lost that they seem much more like the flash-sideways team than Washington.  Must be because Desmond brought the Nats together.

Steve Phillips – The ex-Mets GM and ESPN talker blurted out that, if he was the Nats GM, he’d trade Strasburg for Oswalt.  Surprising because you’d think Strasburg hangs around with younger, hotter girls than Oswalt.

Brett Cecil – 7 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He usual strikes out more than he did in this game, but his season WHIP is 1.15 and ERA is 4.10.  If you take away one start where he was pounded vs. the Rangers, he has an ERA of 2.53.  He’s owned in only 5.9% of ESPN leagues.  Zoinks!

Rafael Furcal – Oh-for-cal is returning today.  If this is the guy you’ve been waiting for to ignite your team, you might need to reevaluate.

John Axford – He notched a save the other day, but it was because Villanueva was tired.  I know what you’re thinking, why not have some *pinkie to mouth* Coffey?  Yeah, oddly enough he was tired too.  So the Brew Crew went with Axrod.  Say that fast twelve hundred times!    I don’t think Axrod’s worth owning right now outside of NL-Only leagues.  The Brewers want Hoffman, Villanueva, Coffey and Axrod, in that order.  Mostly, they just want Hoffman.

Miguel Cabrera – Missing the Tigers series for the birth of his kid.  Crazy that Miguel Olivo wasn’t showing at all.

Steven Pearce – Was walking on crutches after the game.  No, it’s not a new dance craze, he was hurt in the game.  This should free up time for Clement again.  Though he wasn’t doing anything with his playing time before but wasting it.

Andy LaRoche – Might end up on the DL.  LaOuch for him, LaShouldn’tbeonyourteam for you.  Could these injuries open up the gates for one of the Pirates prospects?  Not a rhetorical.  Seriously, could it?  Wouldn’t that be exciting?  My favorite fantasy baseball palate cleanser is rookie announce-mints.

In an unprecedented move, I’m making Aramis Ramirez a Buy after labeling him a schmohawk in the preseason.  Crazy, right?  Get me a constituency and a mistress, I’m a flip-flopping politician?  I’ll run on the “No more new tuxes” campaign.  Then when people elect me and say they thought it was a typo or a weird lisp, I’ll tell them, “No, I’m just not buying a new tuxedo.”  I don’t want to talk up Aramis too much because I don’t think he’s a surefire stud.  He is what he is.  A 25 homer, 90+ RBI, .280 guy.  This past April was his worst month ever.  The next closest month of the last six years was when he hit .197 in April of 2006.  In the last six years, he never had more than two months under .250 in the same year.  Right now, his BABIP is the unrealistic .160.  His career mark is .288.  That’s obviously a far way off.  I wouldn’t give my dead grandma’s broach to get Aramis, but right now his owners don’t even want him or your nana’s forget-me-not.  You can probably trade a Brain Freeze and a schmohawk and get him.  Check raise the bettor, cause you have alligator’s blood.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Kris Medlen – In the minors, he averaged a 9+ K/9.  Last year in 67+ innings with the Braves, he had a 9+ K/9.  I don’t think he’s just going to walk away with Jurrjens’ rotation spot, but if Jurrjens has a setback (that’s a lilliputian “if”), Medlen could stick around for a month or so, giving a mid-3 ERA, a manageable WHIP and great Ks.  I <3 Medlen.

Brett Cecil – He’s my favorite hodgepodjay upside pick, but he too will be subjected to tough matchups.  Move Toronto to the NL!

Ian Kennedy – Even if we’re to assume 60% of ESPN leagues have been abandoned, how is he only owned in 7% of ESPN leagues?  He has a 1.14 WHIP with decent strikeout and walk rates.  I’ll buy that for a FAAB dollar!

Wade LeBlanc – Here’s to Tally McTallstein never returning.

Scott Olsen – Like Minnie Pearl, I’m gonna make it nice and simple for you.  Just went over Scott Olsen for fantasy.  Now click.

Hisanori Takahashi – Those of you looking for some Ks from your MRs, Takahashi has 26 Ks through 18 2/3 innings.  As Kevin Brauch says, konbanwa, ladies and gentlemen.

Tyler Clippard – Damn, dawg, I’m dropping the gauntlet on middle relievers.  That’s pitchy.

Starlin Castro – Don’t you wanna put an apostrophe on Starlin?  Yeah, me too.  Let’s start with what Stephen said in the Cubs Minor League Review, “He has more speed than his steals would even lead one to believe as he is still learning the stealing craft.  Oh, and sometimes I want to poison strangers.”  Hmm… Didn’t remember that last part.  Okay, you’d think with a name like Castro, they’d platoon him cause that’s the Communist thing to do.  Yeah, I don’t think that happens.  He’s playing shortstop and Theriot moves to 2nd base.  So the Silent T tag team of Theriot and Fontenot gets split up.  Too bad, so sad.  You guys were no Bushwhackers anyway.  Grab Castro in all leagues where you need speed.  I’d expect a line of 60/3/40/.290/27.  The Runs and RBIs are lineup placement dependent.  My thought is he plays half his games at the top of the order and half at the bottom, but that’s me hedging more than anything.  And welcome all the gardeners who Googled, Bushwhackers + hedging.

David Freese – Now, he has modest power and a great average.  Later, he’ll have modest power and a good average.  Mmm… Freese’ing a now and later.

Fred Lewis – Beans don’t burn on the grill, Fred’s working his way up that “Valuable in deep mixed leagues” hill.

J.D. Drew – This week’s ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH.  BTW, that’s pronounced like LOTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, but with an R.

Michael Saunders – Just went over him in this morning’s post.  Scroll down or click.  Your call.

Kila Ka’aihue – Now in most circumstances, I’d say a team bringing up Kila would play him, but we’re talking about the Royals.  They may be thinking that teams are making fun of them for not promoting Kila so they’ll bring him up and let him rot on the bench.  You know, the passive aggressive move.  Hopefully, Kila can find some ABs.  If he can, he’s worth owning in 12 team mixed leagues and maybe shallower.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Supposed to be bacchia by now, but he’s not yet because he’s working on his throwing.  We should see him soon.

Mike Aviles – Average, not much else.  Speaking of which, I wonder if people would respect pure average guys better if it was called something other than average, because average is so usual, passable, adequate.  Now if batting average were referred to as excellent, people would be clamoring for these guys.  That Aviles is an excellent player, not much else.  See?

Koji Uehara – When the media asked Alfredo Simon how he felt to be the O’s closer, Alfredo said, “I’m the closer?  That’s scarzy, which is a portmanteau of scary and crazy.  Like this girl I used to date.  Anyhoo, who wants some freshly ground pepper on their pasta?”  Those desperate for saves, commence vulturing on Koji now.

Alfredo Simon – Simon’s right; it is scarzy, but if he’s getting saves, you know the SAGNOF drill.

SELL

Doug Fister – It’s funny to watch ownership trends in ESPN.  And funny as in not funny at all but rather pedantic.  On April 13th, Fister throws 8 shutout innings.  Fluke!  No one adds him.  Next start, 7 IP, 1 ER.  Fluke!  Five days later, 8 IP, 2 ER.  Hmm…  Who is this guy?  Last start, 8 IP, 0 ER.  I’m adding him!  Now he’s sure to explode.

Wade Davis – Appeared (along with Mister Fister) in The Corrections.

Jeff Clement – Hey, he got almost two months over the course of four years and two teams to prove himself.  That’s plenty of time.

Lance Berkman – I totally regret drafting him in the one league where I have him.  It’s a 20 team league making me kinda SOL.  For most of you, you can trade Berkman for a small piece and just grab Smoak or Ike Davis or Swisher off waivers and come within 95% of Berkman’s production while adding another piece.

Andruw Jones – But it’s a feel good story!  Sorry, friend.  Right now, his HR/FB is almost 35%; his career mark is 19% and that number is being supported by his years when he was actually good.  He’s not keeping this up even if he stayed at a Renaissance Hotel last night.

Brett Cecil appeared in the April 23rd version of the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell.  I liked his strikeout stuff and thought he was up to the task.  He secretly confided in me it was a lot of pressure on him.  He never had a mustachioed man ask anything of him, at least not one that wasn’t wearing a raincoat and no pants.  His WHIP sits at 0.77 through 20 2/3 innings.  Thank you, can I bring you your slippers?  He has 21 Ks.  Yup, more than a strikeout per inning.  Last night, he had a perfect game in the 7th inning and ended up going 8 innings, 1 ER and 10 Ks.  He’s getting a bit lucky, but he’s worth owning in all twelve team leagues, while ten teamers should hover their grabby hands just over his name.  Honey, could you bring me a Dr. Pepper? My grabby hands are busy, woman!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rafael Furcal – The Dodgers will be oh-for-cal for 15 days.

Ryan Madson – Will have toe surgery after kicking a metal chair.  The metal chair is day-to-day.

Joe Blanton – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  That looks like about what you’ll get from Blanton every time out.  Give or take 1 earned run, according to 100 simulations run by a 100 monkeys dressed as William Shakespeare.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs.  No one’s been hotter in the last week.  Now has 3 homers in the last seven games and batting near .500.

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  If you’re bored at your job, Dave Duncan can turn you into a major league pitcher and help you win a Cy Young.

Cesar Valdez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Suck Asstros.  Valdez is fine in NL-Only leagues because he should keep the ball down, but looks like he’ll be more valuable to the Diamondbacks than he will to your mixed league fantasy team.

Mike Pelfrey – Had an MRI for shoulder tightness, but he was cleared to start Friday.  The MRI showed “pitched poor on Saturday vs. a good team” but “hopeful he’ll be better against” a “poor Giants offense.”  Yes, MRI results read like a Zagat review.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks.  If the Rockies schedule holds, Ubaldo should be the starter on July 13th.  Though he’ll probably only go for 2 innings.

Javier Vazquez – First bit of good news for Vazquez owners this year is the Yankees are skipping his turn in the rotation.  There’s some taxi drivers rubbing their hands together hoping Javy gets into their cab.

Jorge Posada – Left the game with tightness in his right calf.  His left calf sends its best.  Posada’ll miss a few days.

Randy Winn – 1-for-3 with a 3-run homer.  I was looking up his numbers yesterday making sure there was nothing to see here and there isn’t, but something did stand out to me.  His age.  How is he 35 years old?  C’mon, doode looks like he’s 62.  He was 35 when he starred opposite Billy Crystal in Running Scared.

Nick Swisher – 3-for-3, appeared in Friday’s Buy/Sell and is still hitting over .400 in the last seven days.  ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH!

Mariano Rivera – Rivera joins Posada as the sore half of the core four.  Rivera felt stiffness in side after Friday’s game.  The Yankees withheld telling the media until yesterday.  Don’t these people know The Star Ledger’s got papers to sell!  It makes me a tad suspicious that the Yankees didn’t say anything about Rivera until yesterday.  (BTW, Tad Suspicious is a character I adopt while playing Clue.)  I’d absolutely grab Joba if he’s out there.

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 as he hit his first homer of the season.  That puts him just off his pace from last year when he hit 8 homers.

Austin Jackson – 3-for-5 as he fell a homer short of the cycle.  He’s now hitting .377.  Okay, all I’m saying is his BABIP is .527, which means he could pop a bunt up to the catcher and it would fall for a hit.

Max Scherzer – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Look around, the people who are standing are Scherzer owners.  They can’t sit down.

Rich Harden – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks and most importantly no walks.  Looked like vintage Harden, which is weird to say for a 28-year-old, but there ya go.

Frank Francisco – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Two steps forward, one near blown save back.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s about time the Peavy of old put on his shizzkickers and kicked some– Oh, it was vs. the Royals.

Andruw Jones – Konerko has, like, 27 homers; Andruw Jones has 8 homers and 5 steals.  In a sad twist of fate, they’re both going to be toddlers by the end of the season.