Fantasy Baseball Advice

Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.”  First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix.  I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun.  Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use.  The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now hitting .500 on the year.  If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year.  Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH.  Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.

Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin.  Is he now dating Rihanna?

Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th.  Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled.  If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title.  Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth*  manicurist.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career.  If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.

Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  Tough break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.

Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain.  That’s not good.  Guessing he’ll be out for all of April.  All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…”  Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know.  I love that song.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups.  If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting.  Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.

Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break.  His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July.  Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit.  They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.

Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal.  Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back.  Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.

Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday.  My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness.  He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide.  Not sure, I’m not a doctor.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-5.  I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey.  Geez, what did Raburn do?  Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?

Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher.  Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.

Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.

Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER.  In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner.  He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.

Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double.  Yes, you should pick him up.

Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.

Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year.  Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams.   Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes?  That’s what she said!  (Not really.)

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin.  You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last.  Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year.  I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far.  He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet.  But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.

Erick Aybar – Strained oblique.  In your face, intercostal!

Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hodgepadre:  Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight.  So who feed Stauffer after midnight?

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR.  Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now.  I know how sad that sounds.

Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now batting .524.  Yeah, he looks done.  Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.

Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.

Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.  I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks.  He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have.  Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot.  This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play.  Or a week.  Or a month.

John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple.  I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher.  That Buck is a hustler!

Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks.  Oh, well.  He was probably only up for one start.  I’d lose him for now.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago.  I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.

Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing.  Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.

Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels.  The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names.  Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names.  (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!)  (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.)  Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves.  Seems like a Neftali-type situation.  Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney.  Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems).  By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kendrys Morales – Took BP.  Where?  To court for the oil spill?  *rereading news report*  Oh!  Batting practice.  That’s a good sign.  If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar.  No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month.

Hank Conger – Homered in his first start of the season.  Here’s what Stephen said about Conger, “He has above average bat speed and contact.  His plate-discipline is stellar but his defense is still marginal at best.  I don’t see the Angels giving him much of a chance catching.”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  Conger’s in a tough spot for playing time; Scioscia loves Mathis like a fat kid loves cake.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  This comes after Maddon announced Felipe Lopez would see time at 3rd while Longoria’s out.  Sean-Rod pissed off the baseball gods in another life because he just can’t get guaranteed playing time no matter where he is.  Oh, and on a real baseball note, the Rays don’t look good.  That is all.

Madison Bumgarner – 3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Padres.  When the only hitter you need to pitch around is Nick Hundley, you kinda should beat the team… Or at least get out of the fourth inning.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Before the game, Tony Gwynn announced the arrival of a brand new Hodgepadre.  Then Tony ate a hot fudge sundae while watching a videotape of his old at-bats.  Pretty unsexy name, but the Harangutan is worth starting at home in every league until he no longer is.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Before you run out and pick him up, this was against the team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together that is currently 0-4.

Mike Stanton – Pinch hit yesterday, but is supposedly not starting until Friday with his hamstring strain.  The real sad emoticon in this whole thing is he had leg issues in the spring so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue the whole year.

Gaby Sanchez - 2-for-5, hitting .444 on the year.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams head just yet, but he’s hitting well.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not Dirty Sanchez, it’s not Filthy Sanchez, it’s Unsanitary Sanchez.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his first homer and he’s hitting .364.  Member when you wouldn’t draft him because he wasn’t playing in Spring Training?  Oh, you.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks, now hitting .154.  I’d say he’s not hitting righties, but he’s not hitting lefties either.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays.  What I’m thinking with McCarthy is Beane, as played by Brad Pitt, hasn’t had much luck in the last few years, so McCarthy is gonna pan out.  I think that’s confirmation bias, but I don’t feel like going to Wikipedia to look it up.  Either way, that’s a marginal ‘keep your eye on him, but don’t pick him up yet.’  (Sorry, you now have to read the rest of this with one eye.)

Conor Jackson – 2-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  He’s like totally recovered from Valley Fever, as if.  BTW, he’s a backup outfielder as of right now.  Yes, a team is very good when they have a backup outfielder batting third.  /sarcasm

Brian Fuentes – Out with a blister.  The A’s manager hopes Fuentes can go Wednesday.  Fantasy managers that own Fuentes aren’t sure what to hope for.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-5 with his first homer (in possibly 4 years, or maybe it just feels that way).  After he hit the home run, fireworks went off… In my heart.  He’s batting third and hitting; ask questions later, just pick him up.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5.  Whoopie-doo, I know.  But he stole his 2nd base.  Last year, it took him until May 29th to steal his 2nd base.  Oh, it’s on.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Rudy picked him to win the Cy Young.  In the preseason, I ranked him 10th overall for all starters.  If you’re reading this, you probably own him.  Yay us!

Carlos Gomez – Benched for Nyjer.  And that’s how quickly a major league manager can realize a player sucks at baseball.   Oh, well.

James McDonald -  4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I gotta be honest, my heart wasn’t fully into this guy as a potential late round bargain.  Pirates pitchers are arghuably the worst in baseball from 1 through 5.  In most competitive leagues, I’d hold McDonald for another start, but start making other plans.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m eating whatever Dave Duncan is cooking.

Cole Hamels – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Drop him!  I keed.  He had a 5.28 ERA last April and still ended the year with a 3.06.  As they say in Vegas about the shoe, you gotta deal with it.

Chris Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was so cute the way the giraffes at the Bronx Zoo all gathered around the TV to watch this start.  I liked Young when he pitched for the Padres, and Metco isn’t that bad, but his fastball has been trending down for four years and he works up in the zone.  9 baserunners in 5 and a third like yesterday isn’t great.  You can pick him up, I wouldn’t.  I.e., You do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll be fine.

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I believe Josh Tomlin was a child actor on an 80′s sitcom.  I wouldn’t pick him up, Willis.

Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sticking with the newly established Josh theme, I don’t love Beckett to bounce back from last year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Uncle Barry was babysitting the baby bears and they went wild.  BTW, Barry Enright vs. Andrew Cashner sounds like a match-up in the Greater Westchester County Dental Tennis league.

Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Pitched beautifully until he left the game with tightness in his shoulder.  Accidentists happen.

Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer of the year.  It’s about time!  Oh, wait, it’s less than a week into the season.  Eh, you probably dropped him already.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Another pitcher I told everyone and their pedophile uncle to draft.  Hope you had the peanuts to start him in Coors.

Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 with his first homer and he’s hitting .444 on the year.  I saw someone ask the other day in the comments if they should drop him.  Didn’t you just draft him?

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not bad vs. Texas.  But, hey, listen, he’s a rookie, it’s not going to be all peaches and cream in the champagne room every start out.

Willie Bloomquist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Justice has been served!

Juan Miranda – 1-for-3.  Kirk Gibson announced Miranda would get the majority of the starts to see what they have in him.  Finally, a manager that makes a smart decision.  Miranda’s worth a flyer in leagues 14+ to see if he can not only stick but make good on some of his promise.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4, I wish Justin and B.J. had a brother named Wes.  Wesssssupppppton!

Mark Teixeira – His fourth homer.  He attributed his newfound early season success to not sleeping since last October.  This message was sponsored by Red Bull.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A… O… A’ight!  He left with a blister.  Probably because he was throwing heat.  He won’t be in the rotation for long, but you have my permission to grab him while he is.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs.  I think I heard mumblings in the forums or the comments or somewhere that Aaron Hill is already a bust.  Um, they’ve only played four games and he’s hitting cleanup for the 1927 Blue Jays.  Chillax.

Jose Bautista – Out because of a personal matter.  I’m guessing he’s in Russia killing people for Ben.

After a long, much-needed vacation, Friday’s Buy/Sell returns.  Friday’s Buy/Sell, “I spent the better part of the last four months having my naughty bits lathered in Marshmallow Fluff.”  *crickets*   Friday’s Buy/Sell, “All right, let’s get to the post.”  Brett Gardner hit leadoff on Opening Day.  In case you recently emerged from a coma, I’ll give it to you one more time.  Gardner equals Jacoby Ellsbury.  They’re the same.  Tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Right now, maybe you’re like, “No dur.”  Okay, but in our Funston-fueled draft, Ellsbury went 70 picks before Gardner, so you may be saying “No dur,” but someone else is saying “Yeah dur.”  If you’re a yeah dur’er and not a no dur’er, you might want to reconsider your dur’s.  Or it’s dur on you.  You want dur on you?  No, you want no dur.  Now, I’m not saying you should sell Ellsbury for less than his worth.  I think he’s going to be fine, but if you can sell Ellsbury for a big bat or SP and get Gardner much cheaper, you do that.  Dur.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mark Trumbo – May not start every day, may not last in the majors when the once-singular Kendrys returns.  Don’t matter to me.  You’re not dropping anyone worthwhile to take the gambo.

Alex Gordon – I swear to your deity of choice that if Gordon fails again this year I’m UPS’ing him a flaming turd.

Kila Ka’aihue – I’d take Ka’aihue before Gordon.  Thanks for asking, Random Razzball Commenter.

Brett Wallace – Have you seen the Astros lineup?  If Wallace does anything to impress, he could be hitting third by May.

Brandon Belt – I just wrote my Brandon Belt fantasy yesterday.  I wrote it in pink highlighter on my Trapper Keeper and had an anteater transcribe it.  The lengths I go to for you!

Edwin Encarnacion – 25 homers and a poor average are a lock if he just stays healthy.  It’s not quite butter without the ER in AL-Only leagues.  In mixed leagues, you might prefer a flying elbow.

Brandon Beachy – I will now attempt to write a Beachy blurb without a pun.  He’s the fifth starter on the Braves with solid upside, but not without piers– gah!  Okay, trying again.  I do love Beachy; he’s a total playa– dah!  All right, last chance.  Beachy is fly like a G6 because they’re both jetty.  Sorry, that was terrible.

Andrew Cashner – Worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues for now, but with all of his BBs you might wanna shoot your eye out.

Charlie Morton – Rudy was scatting around town, jazzed about grabbing this guy in one of our NL-Only leagues.  Here’s what Rudy said, “There are two types of crappy pitchers:  1) The type that get hit because they have bad stuff and 2) The type that get hit because they don’t know how to use their good stuff.  At least with the second type, they might figure it out.  Charlie Morton is the 2nd type.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!

Carlos Gomez – He’s dazzling in his lack of baseball skills.  Not sure how many people remember this SAGNOF schmohawk from the early Naughts but you know who Gomez reminds me of?  Alex Sanchez.  Yeah, the gooftard who would hit one homer a year and got caught doing PEDs.  For some reason, I’ve been seeing a lot of other SAGNOF guys on teams (countless teams with Tabata) but no Gomez.  He’s cheap steals and could surprise with a few homers.  There’s value in that.

Ryan Doumit – While Chris Snyder is on the DL, no reason why you can’t throw Doumit a bone.*  *Mandatory one catcher per Buy/Sell requirement filled.

Jose Contreras – Okay, now for the SAGNOF portion of our program, which is brought to you by Purina Dog Chow.  It’s pitchy, dog!  The AARP Man of the Year looks to be the favorite in Philly.  I think it’s going to be closer to a timeshare with Madson than that.

Ryan Madson – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Romo – In some leagues, I wouldn’t go crazy adding Romo.  Doode can design the shizz out of jeans but Wilson should be back by the middle of next week.

Sean Burnett – Is there a more unexciting name?  He needs a nickname, like Stymie.  Stymie Burnett should get the majority of the saves early on, but I’d think Storen works his way into the majority by May.

Brian Fuentes – Here’s a guy I’d add all over the place.  I trust Andrew Bailey getting/staying healthy about as much as I trust flyers left on my apartment building front door.  What happened, you ask?  So, I come home around 3AM, drunk and there’s a sign posted on my apartment building front door about a party in apartment #14.  I’m like, “Party!”  So I run up to #14, throw open the door and there’s four guys standing there naked in a circle.  Yup.  I did the ‘ol slow backwards walk while saying, “Wrong apartment.”

Sell

Mat Latos – Ground rules for the Sells.  Some of these guys are droppable, some are tradeable and some are just overrated and trades should be explored.  Latos is tradeable.  Here’s you drafting him, “Grey thinks he knows better than me… HA!  I will show that mustachioed man a thing or two about a thing or two– No, Mom, I’m not talking to myself!  Shut my door!”  Latos is going to break down this year.  It’s I to the nevitable.  The writing is all over the wall.  He already has a shoulder strain in the spring.  He’s going to magically get better by throwing 200 innings?  Sorry, doode, you don’t even need Angela Lansbury, you’re brainwashing yourself.

Jair Jurrjens – Hey, it’s a Razzball favorite in opposite world.  He’s a 4+ ERA pitcher with a bleh strikeout rate and he’s injury-prone.  Sounds terrific in opposite world.  Maybe when you’re done parking your Lamborghini in opposite world and making love to Jessica Alba (or George Clooney for our three girl readers — I didn’t forget about you, ladies!), you lose Jar-Jar.

Maybe the fuel you need to burn the desire deep in your belly to be a better ballplayer comes from a fresh start. Maybe you need people to tell you you can’t do something before you can do something. Maybe this is how Morgan Freeman really talks and not just in voiceovers. Nyjer Morgan is going to get that fresh start in the city by the bay.  (Green Bay, but whatever.) This throws a bit of a quagmire into the centerfield situation.  If I am indeed using the word ‘quagmire’ correctly.  Roenicke said it’s CarGo Lite’s job to lose.  I think Melvin is lying to us or himself.  Gomez is bad at — hmm, how do I put it?  — baseball.  I think the ABs break down to Morgan getting 350 and CarGo Lite getting 200.  If I had to bet on one, I’d bet on Nyjer.  This doesn’t mean I think he’s terrific either.  He was caught stealing 17 times last year.  That’s A to the Trocious.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Roger Bernadina – He’s not at mixed league value yet, but, with the clearing of Morgan, Bernadina now only has to beat Ankiel.  Oh, bee tee dubya, Ankiel’s not good.  I could see Bernadina being one of those guys that goes from not being on anyone’s team to being on everyone’s team by the end of the year.

Mat Latos – Scratched on Saturday due to a sore shoulder, but may not go to the DL.  So far in the Spring Training-thingie-ma-whosie-thing that is going on, Latos has given up 10 earned in 10 innings.  I was not out on a limb when I said you should not draft him in any league this year.  Lots of people were saying this.  If you decided to not heed the words of Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (Grey Albright, FML), then you probably won’t listen to me now, but you really should try and sell Latos for sixty-five cents on the dollar.  You goofed by drafting him and he’s gonna be dirty, dust balls this year.  At some point in the next two months, you’re gonna have to DL him for 60+ days.  I’m being serious.

Clint Barmes – Out for a month or two with a broken bone in his hand.  Luckily, the Astros have someone who can hit just as well as Barmes with a broken hand, Tommy Manzella.

Tommy Hunter – Will miss over a month with a strained groin.  Looks like we won’t be seeing his O face for a while.  (Speaking of O faces, I hooked up with my first single Mom recently.  All I kept thinking of was Tidwell telling Jerry Maguire not to shoplift the pooty from a single mom.  Okay, that wasn’t all I kept thinking of.  The thing that kept running through my mind was how a child came out of there.  Was like this thing that I had thought of in only one way my whole life suddenly was something else.  Anyhoo!)

Homer Bailey – Will miss two starts on the 15-day DL with a shoulder impingement.  At some point between ranking the top 80 starters and now, I grew sick of Bailey.  Has he ever strung more than three good starts together in his career?  Kinda rhetorical.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 6th homer of the spring.  You heard it here first, Kendrys is getting Pipp’d out!

Brandon McCarthy – Named the 5th starter in Oakland.  As of right now, not really much here outside of AL-Only leagues.  He could scratch above a 6 K/9 and around a 4.25 ERA if things break right.  Or he could get injured again and be out for the season.  I believe McCarthy is just relieved he wasn’t traded to the Reds.

Aaron Heilman – Was named the D-Backs fifth starter.  I picture he’ll have appeal for match-ups.  For what it’s Wuertz, so far in the spring, Heilman’s been getting emulsified.

Eric Young Jr. – Was optioned to the minor league camp.  All my emoticons are at half-mast.  He’ll come back at some point and do what he was born to do, but for now you have to cut bait.

Mike Leake – Will take over one of the rotation spots freed up by Cueto and Bailey’s DL stints.  As mentioned in the top 80 starters, I’m not a fan of Leake.  No Ks, too many walks.  Maybe in a few years, but right now he’s an avoid like The Noid.

Andrew Cashner – Won the 5th starter spot on the Cubs…er…Silva lost it.  Cashner has nice Ks and is worth an NL-Only flyer, but I’d stay away for now in mixed leagues.  He walks too many people.

Matt Young – Only interesting for those in NL-Only leagues, Young made the team and he has 40 steal speed.  Right now, he’s just depth, but he’s worth keeping an eye on in case McLousy returns to form or if there’s an injury.

Joe Nathan – Will start the season as the closer, but this can change at a moment’s notice.  Keep cuffing Capps. (Alliteration in lieu of wit!)

Ryan Doumit – Snyder might have to open the season on the DL, so Doumit could see everyday ABs.  I’d say he could run with the job, but that would likely injure him too.  Maybe he can walk with the job.

Brad Lidge – Will open the season on the DL due to shoulder pain.  Shocker!  Exclamation Point Police, “That’s sarcastic, we get it.  A period would’ve conveyed the same.”  I’d grab Madson and hope he can suppress his Cuddle Boy tendencies.  Contreras, the AARP Man of the Year, could also see save chances.  Charlie Manuel said, “I’ve had more closers than a dog has fleas.  Now watch as I smash my thumb with a hammer so I forget about my toothache.”  BTW, Charlie Manuel’s old timey-isms made their way to the fantasy baseball team name generator.

Donnie Murphy – Looks like the Marlins went an entirely different way than I thought they would.  Bonifacio will be the super futility man and Donnie Murphy, who sounds like a Boston police officer — C’mon, Murph!  We ain’t causing no harm! — will be the 3rd baseman.  He’s useless in all leagues that needs things like hitting and whatnot.

Yunesky Maya – Sent down to Triple-A.  When Riggleman was asked why he chose Gorzelanny and not Maya, he said, “We’re trying to tire the opposing coach when filling out the scorecard.”

Chris Dickerson – Weird move by the Brew Crew to trade Dickerson to the Yankees for Mitre.  Unfortunately, any sneaky sleeper value Dickerson once had goes out the window.  He’s not the type of player the Yankees give any significant playing time to, i.e., he’s a good player with no name recognition.

Bronson Arroyo – Has mono.  Too bad his guitar playing is in stereo.

Frank Francisco has a sore pectoral, Dotel has a sore hammy, I have a boo-boo on my finger.  Who’s going to close for the Jays?!  Rauch, and there’s no reason to scream.  Brian Wilson lost his Smile and may miss Opening Day.  Joe Nathan looks like he’s going to be the closer and also like he’ll be nothing like the Joe Nathan of old.  I’d handcapp him with Matt Cuffs… Uh, huh?  It makes me nauseous to write this but we got a hurt Putz.  He should be fine a week or two into the season, so, ya know, still draft him.  Fernando Rodney is going to be the closer and he’s going to be dreadful.  Andrew Bailey has a forearm strain and can never stay healthy.  Same could be said about Lidge, except his pain is in the biceps, or is it bicep?  Neftali wants to start, but I still think he closes.  Though I would love a decision on this.  Kevin Gregg sucks.  Storen may not even make the team the way he’s throwing.  And Franklin is firmly in the closing role which I don’t think lasts.  In other words, it’s the usual closer shizz.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams, Pat Neshek)
3. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda, Jeremy Jeffress)
4. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
6. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
7. Brian Wilson (-3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Bobby Parnell, Manny Acosta)
10. John Axford (+1) (Takashi Saito, Zach Braddock)
11. Matt Thornton (+3) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
12. Chris Perez (+2) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp)
13. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
14. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
15. J.J. Putz (-7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
16. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
17. Joe Nathan (+4) (Matt Capps)
18. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Leo Nunez (+4) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
20. Brandon Lyon (+3) (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
22. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
23. Neftali Feliz (-2) (Alexi Ogando, Mark Lowe, Darren O’Day)
24. Fernando Rodney (-1) (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Jordan Walden)
25. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
27. Jon Rauch (-3) (Frank Francisco, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
28. Brian Fuentes/Grant Balfour (-15) (Andrew Bailey)
29. Kyle Farnsworth/Jake McGee (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
30. Drew Storen/Sean Burnett/Tyler Clippard/Todd Coffey/Bill Cosby