On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball. This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning! Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation. You were a melancholy soul. But now you’re happy — yay. It’s still Monday funday! There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures. Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures. Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved. A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago). Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel) 7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla) 8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito) 9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn) 10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija) 11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland) 12.Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek) 13. Ryan Madson(Sean Marshall, Nick Masset) 14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey) 15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez) 16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks) 18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero) 19. Jordan Walden(Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins) 20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers) 23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed) 24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo) 26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp) 27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom) 28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins) 29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine) 30. Juan Abreu(Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)
The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings have reached the next to next to next to last stop with the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball. These top 20 closers are different than all of the other rankings. The closers on the top of this list you should not draft and there are closers that aren’t on this list that you should be targeting. Shortly, there will be a list of every team’s closer and setup man. I’m thinking this afternoon. Monday funday! The projections are also a bit wonky since you can’t predict saves. It’s a fool’s errand. If fool’s errand means what I think it does. Some well-known projectionists (not the pimply kid unspooling Albert Nobbs) don’t even attempt to predict saves. Saves come down to opportunity. This is yet another reason why you shouldn’t draft the top guys. Nevertheless, my projections are listed along with where I see tiers starting and stopping. Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
1. Craig Kimbrel – This is the first tier. This tier goes from here until Storen. I call this tier, “Young, dumb and full of speed gun.” To illustrate further why you shouldn’t draft a top guy, the top three closers when rankings came out last year were Carlos Marmol, Neftali and Soria. I wasn’t bonkers with a side of delusional when I put those three at the top. It just shows you the fickliosity (Made Up Word of the Day!) of the closers. The good news is the guys I told you to target later are now on the top of the rankings. Sure, I’d love to get Kimbrel. Like I’m Samuel Gerard. Just don’t think it’s happening. 2012 Projections: 5-2/2.20/1.08/110, 40 saves
2. John Axford – I love the fact that he accepted K-Rod coming to the Brewers, took a dump in his locker* and kept on saving games. (*Unsubstantiated claim that K-Rod assumed was his father-in-law. K-Rod and his father-in-law are now thick as thieves and have decided to settle all arguments with a round of laser tag.) 2012 Projections: 5-1/2.40/1.16/90, 38 saves
3. Drew Storen – You want a donkeycorn?! You can’t handle a donkeycorn! Cause they’re wild, bucking animals. You should get a lamb. They’re peaceful. 2012 Projections: 4-3/2.50/1.04/75, 38 saves
4. Mariano Rivera – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Putz. I call this tier, “Not young, not dumb, but will get the job done.” These guys are not flashy names anymore. Well, maybe Mo a little, but for the most part there’s no shine on these guys. Whatever, you just want saves. Stop being so greedy. 2012 Projections: 2-3/2.40/0.95/55, 40 saves
5. Jonathon Papelbon – Whatever junk Papelbon was smoking in 2010 when his ERA was 3.90, he stopped smoking it in 2011 when his K-rate was 12+ and his ERA was 2.94. Or maybe he wasn’t smoking in 2010 and was smoking in 2011. Or maybe he wasn’t smoking either year, but standing near Terry Francona when he was smoking. Either way, Papelbon now faces the NL and not the Yankees for 18 games a year, 17 of which are televised. 2012 Projections: 4-3/2.65/1.00/80, 37 saves
6. Jose Valverde – Everyone is picking the Tigers for the World Series, so naturally Valverde is going to be five kinds of wonderful with a side of “This is better than sex!” Then again, the Cards and Rangers’ closers weren’t so good last year, so, yeah, it makes little difference. Not to say I don’t like Valverde, just putting shizz into perspective. 2012 Projections: 3-3/3.00/1.22/65, 35 saves
7. Brian Wilson – He had a bit of a junky season last year. Yet, he still had 36 saves and a 3.11 ERA. You could’ve done worse *cough* Soria *cough* 2012 Projections: 5-3/2.90/1.32/70, 35 saves
8. J.J. Putz – I struggled with whether to put Putz (almost stutterer!) in the next tier of guys that I’m wary of or if I should say he’ll be fine in this tier. After battling with myself over this Putz for about fifteen minutes, I worried I might go blind and just ranked him here. He is a bit of a one man MASH unit, which makes sense since his full name is Jamie Jfarr Putz. 2012 Projections: 4-3/2.75/1.00/60, 32 saves
9. Heath Bell - This is a new tier. This tier goes to Hanrahan. I call this tier, “High ranked closers that I’m a bit wary of. Not enough to kick out of bed, but enough to wonder why I’m in bed with them.” The factory underneath Petco that produces middle men that become all-world closers released a report after Bell signed with Miami. “Miami has a team? Oh, Florida! We’re sorry to see Heath Bell leave our organization. He was a valued member of our bullpen. But, really, anyone can close games in Petco. Have you seen our fences? Trick question. You haven’t seen the fences because they’re three miles from home plate. Good luck in Miami!” 2012 Projections: 4-3/3.25/1.18/50, 37 saves
10. Carlos Marmol – I usually tell you to ignore potential trades and that other foolishness, but Epstein is dead set on shaking up the Cubs and putting his stamp on the club, so I could see Marmol setting things up for a playoff contender by mid-summer. I know if I was headed to the playoffs I’d love to have Marmol in the 8th inning. 2012 Projections: 5-3/3.50/1.35/100, 25 saves
11. Joakim Soria - Could totally bounce back, but why am I risking it if he doesn’t? There’s no other closers? Of course there is. If I can avoid risk with a fairly high ranked closer, I am. 2012 Projections: 3-2/3.35/1.25/65, 35 saves
12. Joel Hanrahan – Hanrahananananan is a bit of wild card. I think he can save 40 games again with a 9 K/9 and a sub-2 ERA or he can save 25 games and a high-3 ERA. Plus, drafting him is a bit like OD’ing on tryptophananananananan. Snooooooooze. (BTW, after this blurb, my spellchecker quit on me. Just got up and walked out of the room.) 2012 Projections: 2-4/3.35/1.20/65, 34 saves
13. Ryan Madson – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Street. I call this tier, “I’ll probably own these guys on multiple teams; this tier name doesn’t rhyme and isn’t pithy.” You want guys that can become the top four for (stutterer!) next year. Here’s your tier, snitches! Assuming Madson doesn’t stumble for any extended period of time, he’ll be more valuable than this ranking. The only big issue is Dusty waking up with his toothpick on the wrong side of his mouth and deciding Madson’s no longer his closer. 2012 Projections: 5-2/3.00/1.22/60, 32 saves
14. Kenley Jansen – I have a bit of a soft spot for high upside mid-tier closers. Or is that a hard spot? It’s why I ended up with Kimbrel and Axford on multiple teams last year and will be eying Jansen this year. As of right now, he’s not officially the closer, but I think it happens. If you want him, you’re gonna have to draft him around here. I say do it. 2012 Projections: 1-3/2.25/1.00/85, 25 saves
15. Jason Motte – I’m hoping with La Russa’s Feathered Hair moving on to grayer pastures that the Cards bullpen will be a lot more stable. If I had Madson, Jansen and Motte on every team as my only closers, I’d be so happy I’d cancel all future shrink appointments, except the ones on Tuesday because I stepped on a sidewalk crack last week. 2012 Projections: 3-4/2.50/1.10/65, 27 saves
16. Huston Street – If you hold what I said about Heath Bell in the mirror, that’s what I have to say about Street and why I like him this year. Of course, he can’t stay healthy without the help of magical potion or whatever it was that Ryan Braun took. 2012 Projections: 2-4/3.00/1.10/50, 30 saves
17. Andrew Bailey – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Thornton. I call this tier, “Closers that I’m probably going to miss out on, but SAGNOF tells us saves are saves are saves so I could draft one of these guys.” A few things separate Huston Street from Andrew Bailey. 1.) Tougher home park. 2.) Tougher league. 3.) There’s no 3. 4.) Bailey’s going much higher in drafts than Street. 2012 Projections: 3-1/3.30/1.10/50, 34 saves
18. Sergio Santos – If someone said they were a time traveler and they just returned from 2013 and Santos is now the top closer, I wouldn’t be surprised though I would wonder why they used their time traveling ability for something so trivial. My problem with Santos is his walks and he has a capable closer behind him. A few screw ups and he’s out. I did flip-flop on Santos since the last time I wrote about him. A girl and Grey have a right to change their mind. I do know what I was thinking with that post. Ks, Ks, Ks… And more Ks. Now, I’m getting cold feet. Stupid poor circulation! 2012 Projections: 3-5/3.70/1.24/80, 25 saves
19. Rafael Betancourt – Maybe once and for all he can shake the Cuddle Boy label. Maybe I don’t want to risk it on my team to find out. Fairly wellesley, Dame Betancourt! 2012 Projections: 4-2/3.50/1.10/65, 25 saves
20. Matt Thornton – He’s 35 years old and he has 20 career saves. By season end, Hawk says about Thornton, “He gone!” and the White Sox try out Addison Reed or Jesse Crain. 2012 Projections: 5-4/3.75/1.22/65, 20 saves
After the top 20 closers, there’s a lot of names you should draft and I’ll go over all of them. Here’s three that stand out:
Chris Perez – Coming off a season with a 5.88 K/9 and a 3.92 BB/9. That’s the new blech. Again, I would take any closer that had a job, but don’t let Perez’s 36 saves last year cause you to overpay. 2012 Projections: 2-5/4.00/1.28/45, 25 saves
Joe Nathan – When he went to the Rangers, I wrote my Joe Nathan fantasy. If you hold it up to a mirror, it’s very difficult to read. 2012 Projections: 3-4/3.75/1.18/45, 30 saves
Juan Abreu - Who? Did I mean to type Joan Abreu, Bobby’s loving Momsie? I think I might’ve. And I think Bobby’s Momsie is the favorite to get saves in Houston. Whatever! SAGNOF! If someone’s getting saves, draft them! 2012 Projections: 1-4/2.70/1.28/70, 20 saves
Andrew Bailey bettah work on his non-rhotic (Word of the Day!) pronunciations cause he’s headed to the town of beans. This is my town and these are my beans! Not to say I told you so, but to tell you I told you so. When Melancon went to the Sawx, I said, “The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.” In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer. Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.” Prescient ain’t just a word you need a spell checker for. It’s a state of mind! Bailey will be absolutely fine as a closer when he’s healthy, which is to say maybe 4 of 6 months of the season if the Sawx are lucky. So Melancon will get some saves, say, maybe, I don’t know, interjection, 10 saves. It’s not bad for a guy that won’t be drafted in many leagues. This also solidifies the Sawx’s intention of putting Bard into the rotation. I think it’s slightly crazy talk, but I’m wearing a burlap sack and drinking a Capri Sun without a straw so what do I know? Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Sike! Before we get into today’s post, just want to say that if you’re into fantasy basketball, you should check out the work Adam’s doing; it’s smart and funny, and I don’t know basketball at all. One time I was playing a pick up basketball game and I tried to do a layup and I threw the ball over the backboard. I was like, “Call me Calista Flockhart cause I’m throwing up shizz.” Ah, the laughs we had. Then I was never picked to play on a team again. Anyway II, some offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Josh Reddick – Heads to the A’s on the other side of the Bailey hullabaloo. Did Beane get enough? I don’t know. Instead, let’s ask ourselves this: Did Braun test positive because he was treating herpes? In Triple-A, Reddick hit .127 in 2009, then .266 in 2010, then .230 last year. So I’d be surprised if he hits above .260 over the course of the 2012 season. He has shown the ability to hit for power, but now he moves to the unfriendly confines of Oakland. Best case scenario, you’re getting a 15/10/.260 guy. It’s all right, but if he fails to meet those modest expectations, he’s nothing but a third outfielder for AL-Only leagues. Herpes, Braun, really? That’s your defense? That’s like telling your wife you killed her cat to take your mind off cheating on her. Braun, you couldn’t say you tested positive because you were taking some non-FDA approved Chinese medicine for migraines? Who’s advising this schmohawk?
Casey Blake – To Rockies. When Blake’s healthy, Cuddyer will move to the outfield. (30% of the time.) When Blake’s injured, Cuddyer will play 3rd base. (45% of the time.) When Helton’s injured, Cuddyer will play 1st base. (20% of the time.) When Cuddyer and Blake are both healthy, but the Rockies feel like playing someone else they’ll work in Seth Smith or Eric Young Jr. (15% of the time.) (I have no idea if those percentages add up, but you get the general gist. By the way, General Gist would be a great band name. “Have you heard General Gist’s new album, Neither Here Nor There? It’s awesome!” Speaking of great bands, loving the new Black Keys album. Love!) In the end, this has nothing to do with Casey Blake or Michael Cuddyer or even Nolan Arenado. The Rockies absolutely refuse to give Seth Smith a regular job. Maybe someone in the front office has a lisp and can’t stand to say Seth Smith has a starting job. Oh, and they hate Eric Young Jr.’s guts. The Rockies are Mike Scioscia and Eric Young Jr. is Mike Napoli. Just trade that ain’t-getting-any-younger Young to a team that will let him play. Please.
Sean Marshall – Off to the Reds in a swap of Marshall and Travis Wood. Right now the Reds are saying Marshall may serve as the closer. That’s just a bargaining tool against Francisco Cordero. Marshall’s not going to be the closer. He’ll be a setup man to either Cordero or Chapman, who is supposed to start as of right now but I don’t think that’s gonna happen either. Here’s a formula for you: What a GM Says + Reality = Nothing.
Travis Wood – To the Cubs in the aforementioned mentioning of Marshall. I have a feeling the Reds are going to regret losing Wood. Dusty Baker, “I haven’t lost wood since that one time in the 70′s when George Foster unexpectedly walked into my hotel room.” If the Cubs play their hand right, they’ll send Wood to the minors to regain his confidence then bring him back when the time is right. If he makes the rotation, he’s nothing but a cheap flyer in NL-Only leagues. I would be very aware of him in keeper leagues though. He does have number two starter upside.
Gio Gonzalez - Beane pulled another trade. Can someone say Moneyball sequel?! Actually, if you can’t say it, you should see a speech therapist. How about the Nats looking like they’re gonna be contenders? Hopefully they get some new announcers so it’s not as wretched watching them. Get back Dibble so he can call into question a guy headed for Tommy John surgery! I love that kind of manic enthusiasm. Anyway, Gonzalez wasn’t nearly the pitcher his 3.12 ERA showed last year, but he has far exceeded his xFIP the last two years while posting solid K numbers. I’m willing to get on the Gio aeroplane in twelve past twenty (BTW, that’s what I’m calling 2012, go with it). A guy that is moving to the NL with a 8.78 K-rate is plenty all right, even with the wonky walks.
Brad Peacock – With Gio going to the Nats, Peacock gets inserted into the A’s. That sounds like it hurts! Which Billy Beane is making these trades anyway? Peacock had a great season in Double- and Triple-A last year, putting up a 2.39 ERA and a 177/47 K/BB line. The A’s basically got Gio Gonzalez back. I’m gonna be all about Peacock in 2012 like I just woke up from a nap after drinking seven glasses of water.
Tommy Milone – Just another great arm bagged by Beane. I’m not saying the Nats paid too much for Gio but — Well, actually, I am saying that. They just paid the price of two potential Gios for one real Gio. (Not to mention, A.J. Cole, who was also received, has a great arm but is just a bit young for our purposes, and Derek Norris will slide in nicely once the A’s move on from their Suzuki sidekick. What an ugly trade by the Nats.) Milone’s 2011 in Triple-A was 3.22 ERA with a 155/16 K/BB ratio. Hello, beautiful. Peacock and Milone will have match-ups appeal in 2012 for mixed leagues and be sexy sleepers for AL-Only leagues.
Jim Johnson – O’s said he’ll open the season as the closer. I’d go ahead and drink that Jim Johnson Kool-Aid. O’s are competing for 4th place in the AL East so they have no reason not to use Johnson. Though I think Selig now made the 4th place finisher in the AL East a playoff team. Need to double check that.
Carlos Beltran – Cards add Beltran to their Rafael Furcal/Lance Berkman-powered lineup. Your 2012 Cardinals are brought to you by Bengay and the used 1994 Chrysler LeBaron in your driveway.
In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief. He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits. In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr. Freeze’s office, is either a bad thing or a precautionary visit. Speaking of which, I’d like to send Grey to the doctor’s office with my fist in his face.” Hmm… That last line totally snuck past me the first time. So, as we all know, no one goes to Dr. Freeze for precautionary reasons. Parker missed the entire 2010 season after Tommy John surgery. That’s a long time to eat Jell-O. Unless you can eat solids after Tommy John surgery. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. This year Parker’s rebounded nicely. His stats (7.71 K-rate, 3.79 ERA) don’t read like he’s all the way back, but the Diamondbacks are promoting him and will allow him to compete for a 2012 rotation spot. I trust the Diamondbacks’ judgment more than other teams and would absolutely take a flyer on Parker in keeper/NL-Only leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dontrelle Willis – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners and the last person who still had faith in Willis’ comeback lost it — Todd Bridges.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Lean close to the monitor so the guy reading over your shoulder can’t hear. Okay, not that close, you’re gonna ruin your eyes. I’m gonna like Juan Francisco a lot next year if he comes away with a starting job. I mean, a lot. Hang a big blinking sign on him that says sleeper. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, you do. Okay, now back away from the monitor, it’s getting weird.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. I’m pretty surprised Phillips has been healthy and his power (14 HRs) and speed (10 SBs) are so down. At 30 years old, he shouldn’t be falling off already. Bring back steroids!
Brad Lincoln – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Stupid Lincoln! I’m glad you’ve fallen behind Kennedy and Washington in modern day popularity polls.
Neil Walker – 3-for-4. When he hit 2 homers in the first week of the season, I had such high hopes for this schmohawk. He’s now hit 10 homers in the last 22 weeks. That’s less than a half homer per week. A half of a homer is a double. So less than that means he’s stopping between first and second? So useless. I hate you, Neil Walker.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Can we say he was the one bright spot on the Cubs season? Unless you count Big Z wearing a burlap sack muumuu and hailing a taxi to Crazy-ville.
Jeff Baker – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer. It’s nice, but they don’t play him every day so it’s only worthwhile to note it in very deep leagues.
Brett Myers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils. I didn’t trust him for this start, but on a more important note. His beard looks like it was art directed by Tim Burton. Or he looks like he’s in The Hart Foundation.
Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks. Charlie Manuel, “I said bring your “A” game, not a game! Now where’s my straw for chewing?”
Chase Utley – Scheduled his second concussion test. Guess he forgot he already took one.
Eric Surkamp – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Padres. He got the win, but this is his 2nd start against the Padres that hasn’t exactly made me a believer for this year.
Brent Morel – Had his 2nd 2 homer game in the last week. My what a fancy mushroom you are! If you’re desperate for power, I could see taking a flyer hoping that he’ll stay hot for another two weeks.
John Danks – 5 IP, 7 ER. My hate for Neil Walker is nothing compared to what I have for Danks. I am Sideshow Bob and Danks is Bart.
Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, hitting .292 over the last week with 2 steals. He says he needs to get on base to steal bases. Props to his baserunning coach. Teaching some heavy shizz over there in St. Louis. Next lesson: After You Hit The Ball, Run To First. Break it up into two parts so you don’t lose anyone.
Josh Willingham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games. When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.
Andrew Bailey – Wasn’t able to go yesterday because of being hit on the head by a Kurt Suzuki line drive. Bailey said, “I’d be on a stretcher if it wasn’t for those Oakley sunglasses.” Charles Oakley said, “You’d be on a stretcher if you took my sunglasses.”
Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer. Speaking of hitting them in bunches, Olivo does too and this was his 2nd homer in four days.
Jeff Niemann – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. He gets the Sawx next which sounds like a sad trombone until you realize he has a 1.06 ERA vs. them in 17 innings this year.
Joel Peralta – Struck out three in a perfect inning for the save. Stop circling your prey, save vultures, and swoop in.
Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. He’s been so yawnstipating this year it’s hard for me to build up much excitement for him, but this could be the start of a week run of hotness.
Erick Aybar – On Sunday, he went 4-for-5 and yesterday he hit a homer. EA is in the game.
Josh Beckett – Set to return this weekend. We’re left waiting for Beckett to see if he’ll return to lay an existential egg.
Coco Crisp – Will miss at least three more days. Snap, crackle, crap.
Manny Ramirez – Was arrested after a domestic dispute. Maybe he was mad because his wife took his last fertility pill. “Now how is Manny gonna be womanny?!”
Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season. Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them. The sadness! The grief! The inconsequence of it all! Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related. I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him. Just look up. Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.) Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September. Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap. Huston Street got hurt — shocker! Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive. Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security. He’s the Teflon Closer. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 2. Craig Kimbrel(+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell (-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri) 4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard) 5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall) 7. John Axford(+5) (Francisco Rodriguez) 8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop) 9.Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman) 10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez) 11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell) 12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez) 13. Drew Storen(+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett) 14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale) 15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez) 16. Ryan Madson(+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo) 17. Joe Nathan(+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow) 19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright) 20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour) 21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
22. Jordan Walden(-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi) 23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson) 24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte (-4) (Octavio Dotel) 26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato) 27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch) 28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers) 29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn) 30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)
