Sing it with me everyone: Tis the season for broke closers. Tommy, Tommy John, John, John, John, John! That sounded great. Except for you in the back. Thought I heard an old mule getting strangled. The regular season hasn’t even started and we’ve lost Joakim Soria and Ryan Madson to the knife. Last time I checked – which was like five seconds ago so don’t even attempt discrediting it – those two didn’t have a long injury history. Throw in Drew Storen and his enflamed joint – hopefully he got his medical marijuana card for that – and you have a year already in flux at closer. In this year of twelve after twenty – sorry, Grey has mandated calling 2012 that for Razzball now – we have only had one closer from the ‘my arm will fall off eventually’ club go down to injury in Andrew Bailey. So what better year for Andrew Cashner to step up and give the San Diego Padres yet another reason to trade Huston Street to a contender by the All-Star Break if he doesn’t break before then (sorry, Pads fans, we know it’s true).
First off, there isn’t much to cull from his major league numbers at this point. He has been on and off the injury list more than Hugh Hefner has been with his Playboy models. This kid has struggled to stay healthy. Alright, I know I’m being a hypocrite talking about an oft-hurt pitcher in a post about taking over for hurt pitchers but indulge with me for a bit. Cashner is a former 1st round pick of the Cubs. If baseball were 4-H and it’s draft the fair, Cashner would be a prize winning swine (If you’re reading this Andrew, I’m sorry I called you swine). He has thrown gas for his career, averaging a 96.2 mph fastball; If you’re confused about mph and how it works, here’s a tutorial. He was originally tabbed as a starter in the minors but last year flourished in the bullpen with a 1.69 ERA. Now that last stat was a bit of a mirage due to his underlying xFIP, but he’s leaving a hitter’s palace for a pitcher’s haven. Personally, I have him down for a 3.50 ERA and a 1.25 WHIP and an 8 K/9 ratio with room for more. Couple that skill set with this being the Chinese year of the broken closer and you could have yourself some very cheap saves on the horizon. Currently under 5% owned in both yahoo and ESPN leagues, go cash in on Andrew.
Grey covered the Andrew Bailey and Frank Francisco situations nicely on Tuesday. However, I had already started putting information together, so I’ll leave you with a few lines from my Francisco write-up:
While Francisco is not expected to miss anytime, we’re talking about a relatively fragile relief pitcher here and a Mets organization that has a hard enough time keeping healthy players off the disabled list. Jon Rauch is next in line and is a good speculative add. He’s also a member of the fragile Freddy all-stars so take a look at Bobby Parnell in most dynasty/deep league and in super deep ones Ramon Ramirez deserves a look.
As for the Red Sox, Bailey, when healthy, will be the closer. Of course, it could be four months before he’s fully healthy and how often he remains healthy is really up in the air. Alfredo Aceves is an intriguing arm in the pen; Grey just went over his Aceves fantasy this morning.
The other option, Mark Melancon, needs to prove he can hang. Some suggest he doesn’t have the raw stuff to be anything other than an average set-up guy in the American League East. Melancon deserves an add and should get at least 10 saves, but I wouldn’t count on more and wouldn’t mind trading him quickly. In reality, Bard could likely end up with the most saves for the Red Sox this season.
Tampa Bay Rays: With Grey around, do you even need me? He clearly was on top of the Kyle Farnsworth situation yesterday. As he noted, the elbow pain is no joke and the timetable for Farnsworth’s recovery is a great unknown. The Rays have built a dynamic and cheap bullpen recently and Manager Joe Maddon has shown the willingness to mix and match with interim closers and committee.
That said, Joel Peralta is clearly at the top of the heap and the “reliever to own.” Peralta throws a fastball-splitter-curve at hitters and has had considerable success lately. He will likely post an ERA around 3.35 a solid 1.17 WHIP and 57 K’s. Fernando Rodney is also lurking, but he’s barely a league average reliever. I’m willing to bet he hurts your ratios en route to 6 saves, i.e., it’s not worth it.
One of the more intriguing arms in the pen is J.P. Howell who disappeared from baseball consciousness after missing all of 2010 and most of 2011. However, a healthy Howell is a dynamo on the mound, capable of a 3.10 ERA, 1.25 WHIP and 65 K’s. While he’s a lefty, Jake McGee (another devilish southpaw) is also in the pen, solving the “you can’t use your one lefty as a closer” conundrum. Speaking of McGee, last year’s under-the-radar saves option, he has dominated the minors putting up K:BB rates worth salivating over. Look for him to post similar numbers to Howell (3.25 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 63 K’s), but is probably behind Howell in the saves line.
Lastly, there is recently rotation banished Wade Davis. Davis has the stuff and repertoire that should play as a high leverage reliever. In most leagues, I’d just avoid this situation altogether as the likelihood of any one reliever posting 15+ saves seems small. However, for deeper leagues where every save matters, I’d rank them (in terms of most 2012 saves): Peralta, Farnsworth, Howell, McGee, Davis, Rodney. Keep an eye on Davis in keeper/dynasty leagues as he could very well end up the closer of the immediate future.
Jim Johnson: Johnson has a 6.75 spring ERA in just eight innings. He has allowed seven hits, seven runs and six earned runs, while walking six and striking out five. For the last week, it’s been speculated that Johnson has lost velocity. Over the weekend, MASN Sports reported that Johnson wasn’t concerned about any dip in velocity. Then, according to Rotowire, Johnson topped out at 95 MPH on Saturday (which just happened to be his first back-to-back appearance of the Spring). Johnson took Sunday off and pitched again Monday, sitting at 90-92 MPHs. While velocity is always important, movement is vital to Johnson and his need to get ground balls. It’ll be important to watch his first few outings to see if he is getting the dip on his fastball. If he doesn’t net a ton of GBs out of the gate, he could be in trouble. In addition, it might not matter, as the Orioles have a relatively poor infield defense which hampers Johnson’s upside. At the moment, there isn’t an overwhelming need to go out and add Matt Lindstrom or Kevin Gregg, but if Johnson struggles to keep the ball on the ground, feel free to kick the tires on those relievers in deeper leagues.
Chicago White Sox: For shizzles and giggles or to get back at everyone who snickered at him when he got beat down by Nolan Ryan, Robin Ventura refuses to name his closer to start the year. Clearly how Ventura uses his pen early in the season will determine the roles, so pay careful attention to who slots in the seventh, eighth and ninth innings. While that’s obvious, it is important to note what situations Ventura faces in high leverage relief roles, i.e. if lefties are coming up in a tight game in the 8th and Venture doesn’t go to Matt Thornton, he’s the likely closer. If he does go to Thornton, Addison Reed is likely the closer. I do believe Thornton will start the year as closer, but he didn’t thrive in the role last year (albeit in limited opportunities) and he could also be trade bait for the potentially rebuilding club. Thornton and Reed should end up with similar amounts of saves, maybe in the high teens. In super deep leagues, Jesse Crain is a person of interest because Thornton failed last year and Reed is unproven. At the moment, though, Crain is an unspectacular middle relief guy who is a couple of steps from closing. The dark horse in the pen is rookie Hector Santiago. While Santiago pitched well in Spring Training and there’s “buzz” surrounding him, he has just 83 innings above A+ and he wasn’t exactly dominant (7.99 K/9 and 4.21 BB/9 rate). His stuff in the low minors played particularly well, but the 24-year-old might be a season away from being an impact major league reliever.
Kansas City Royals: No doubt trying to outdo young upstart Ventura, Ned Yost is similarly throwing a tantrum and refusing to name his closer. At the start of the season, Yost is likely to go with a more committee approach as he finds the right lever to pull in high leverage situations. In addition, Jonathan Broxton is likely unable to pitch in back-to-back games. If he could be used like this, I’d bet on him being the closer already. As it stands, Greg Holland will get options at the beginning of the year and, with his skill set, could lock the role down. I do believe Broxton will end up with more saves and be the closer the minute he’s able to go back-to-back, however I’d like to own both to hedge my bets. Certainly I’d rather either of these guys than Melancon, Aceves and any of the Rays pen options.
Oakland Athletics: While Grant Balfour is(was) the closer on Opening Day, keep tabs on Fautino de los Santos. Balfour could easily be trade bait and de los Santos can really strike guys out. Of course, he’s got a lot of Carlos Marmol in him and has always walked a ton of guys. If de los Santos can get off to a good start in the seventh/eighth innings and limits his walks, he’s a great guy to stash in deep leagues.
Cleveland Indians: Filed in the obvious department: keep tabs on the health of Chris Perez. In addition, look at early velocity and swinging strike reports and, more broadly, his K:BB rate, which was abysmal last year. If he continues 2011’s trends, set your sights on flamethrower Vinnie Pestano.
Washington Nationals: Another elbow issue to a reliever has put the Nationals bullpen in disarray. While it appeared Brad Lidge or Tyler Clippard had the stuff and inside track to saves, flame throwing Henry Rodriguez has emerged as a leading candidate. Rodriguez, who had a phenomenal Spring, has long posted dominant K/9 rates but has also walked the farm and then some. It’s impossible to know if Rodriguez has the “closer mentality” and, with his inability to find the plate at times, he’ll walk a tightrope, so he’s likely not worth a major investment. He could strike out 80 guys this year with a 3.50 ERA, but his WHIP (1.37) will be untenable at times. Storen is expected back in April; don’t waste a ton of FAAB or moves on this situation. At the end of the day, Storen will have the most saves, followed by Lidge and then Rodriguez.
Mariano Rivera: No need to be worried here. On Sunday, Rivera allowed a run and two hits, the first time he allowed an earned run in Spring Training since 2008. Good lord, for all of the above upheaval, marvel at Rivera.
You smell that? No, not your armpits. That’s Opening Day. The real thing this time! I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee. I love you! I want to touch baseball’s boobies! They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies! I am gushing over baseball’s boobies! Grey, um, you’re writing this down; this isn’t your inner monologue. Good call, Random Italicized Voice. Embarrassing. Speaking of embarrassing, how about that monstrosity just past the Marlins’ outfield fences? It’s a passive-aggressive ode to a fan base and city that is loathed by Marlins’ senior management. “You Marlin fans – all you care about are pretty colors. You don’t even appreciate the ode to Miro!” That was what the Marlins president said after he called Marlin fans stupid. (The last part isn’t a lie. You can use Google, if you don’t believe me. I understand; the Internet made me cynical too. I blame you, Al Gore!) Oh, that’s all assuming you can see the outfield fences. Where’d they put the center field fence? Cuba? It’s like they combined Petco with AT&T Park. They have Cuban raftees floating just past the outfield fences. You got humidity blowing in, fences 28 miles off the coast of Key West, my beautiful Giancarlo Stanton, whose boobies I’d gush over too, and now I got agita. We should suggest in the comments what to call this pink and aqua-blue hot mess the Marlins call a stadium. I got one idea, Unicornco. Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in 2012 fantasy baseball:
Matt Holliday – 0-for-5 as he hit third. Looks like that’s a big Pujols to fill.
Rafael Furcal – 3-for-5, 1 RBI (which isn’t a Ron Ben-Israel) and a steal. This is something I’ve noticed in my *covers mouth* years covering fantasy baseball. Old players get off to fast starts. I think it has to do with them not being tired of the grind of the long season yet. Their legs are still fresh. You’ll see, Alfonso Soriano will start the year fast, Torii Hunter will start hot, etc. etc. etc. There should be a name in the glossary for these old players that start hot. Suggest in the comments. Thank you.
David Freese – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1 Run. A nationally televised game and Freese turns into Babe Ruth. I will now call you, The Primetime Kid.
Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Hits, 3 Ks. Last year, his April ERA was 1.64 and his May ERA was 2.57. Okay, so there’s worse flyers for the early months of the season.
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 and looked about as good at third, giving away at least two base hits. Also, Reyes and Ramirez are really going out of their way to bring in a new Miami crowd. Miguel Olivo’s probably soooo jealous.
Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. On the bright side, he didn’t get injured.
Andrew Bailey – Underwent successful surgery in Cleveland, then visited the Jock and Skoal Hall of Fame, which features a glob of Lenny Dykstra’s used dip and an extracted mouth lesion from Terry Francona.
Alfredo Aceves – For a man that invented the sandwich wrap, Bobby Valentine is totally crackers. Yesterday, he announced that Aceves would be the Sawx closer. Let’s see, a pitcher who would be better in relief is in the rotation (Bard), a pitcher who saved games last year is in middle relief (Melancon) and a pitcher who whined that he wanted to start (Aceves) is the closer. To recap — Huh, what, oh, okay, wait, what? Valentine said Aceves would see the save if the Sawx were leading in the first game. He didn’t say anything about game five or ten or twenty. It may be needlessly nitpicky, but I think there’s something between the lines there. Obviously, Aceves is the first one to own right now, but I wouldn’t drop Melancon if you have room.
Kyle Farnsworth – Diagnosed with an elbow strain that’s “not a major concern.” And I’m getting an elbow strain from making the “jerking off” motion after hearing them say it’s “not a major concern.” The Rays can spin this any way they like, but a pitcher with an elbow strain in April is a major concern. I wouldn’t hesitate to grab Peralta, though the Rays are saying they may use a committee. Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?
Sean Rodriguez – Named the Rays starting shortstop…. And he’ll probably be benched at least twice a week unless he becomes a hot schmotato.
Jed Lowrie – Astros’ GM said he would wait until Friday to decide on whether or not he was going to DL Lowrie. Sounds like even the Astros’ GM doesn’t own Lowrie in fantasy.
Devin Mesoraco – Dusty announced Hanigan would be the Opening Day starter. Well, that stinks, but to take the sting away, Votto is buying a Lamborghini for the first 2,000 fans in attendance.
Hector Santiago – Robin Ventura has still said nothing about who’s the actual closer in Chicago. This is ridiculous. The season’s started already, name someone! No wonder Nolan Ryan beat the crap out of him. As of right now, I’d go with Matt Thornton, Hector Santiago, Addison Reed and Jesse Crain. I have little to no confidence in that order. So, as Al Pacino would scream at me, , “No, those closers are out of order!”
Brandon Belt – When Bochy lifted his giant melon out of bed yesterday, two things were on his mind. First, I want to make Grey happy by having Brandon Belt make the Opening Day roster. Second, I wonder if they make back support but for heads. Can’t help on the second, but thank you and your giant cantaloupe for the first one. Here’s what I said in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, “If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year. The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain. Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together. 2012 Projections: 70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)” And that’s me getting very excited about Belt! He still has great promise for a better tomorrow. This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.
Josh Outman – Hits the DL after he injured himself vomiting. I thought only the players’ wives got injuries like that. Anna Benson, “Finally a pitcher who understands me!”
Kyle Farnsworth is headed to the DL. You know who called this one? No one. Geez, closers are dropping like it’s hot and they’re from the North Pole and can’t handle the heat. Hmm, that wasn’t so pithy. In the last week, we’ve lost Madson, Storen, Andrew Bailey, Frank Francisco. Though we got back Frank Francisco, Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Lidge, Henry Rodriguez, Sean Marshall, Melancon, Aceves, Joel Peralta, Jake McGee, J.P. Howell and Fernando Rodney. It’s like a two-for-one trade-in deal where you give in a Rolls Royce and get back two doodie bubbles. “Doctor, my closers are all in the red!” “I don’t know if I can help. I’m just a doctor who studied at Harvard Medical School and was a Rhodes Scholar and other important scholarly pursuits. I’m not Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. Or FML.” That’s a convo I overheard recently. For saves, tell Aetna that you want me. The shituation in Tampa Bay is pretty murky, but it sounds like Farnsworth is gonna miss a lot of time. The issues he’s having he had last September. You don’t usually go six months with recurring elbow pain as a pitcher, unless your name is Joey Devine. Peralta would be my first grab, in the non-sexual way. He had saves last year in Farnsy’s absence; he should get saves this year. My second grab would be Lovey and Thurston Howell’s son, J.P. He could see the majority of the situational saves since he’s a lefty. Then I’d grab Jake McGee because he’s the closer of the future and he has a cool name. Sounds like a character Mel Gibson would’ve played back in the early 90′s before he hated Jews and sobriety. Finally, I could see Fernando Rodney sneaking into the save picture because he has that ever elusive closer experience, but his experience is rotten with stank, so I wouldn’t grab him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Sike! Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to announce the 4th podcast in the (greater than 3) series. During this podcast, the winner of our theme song contest is announced. The winner should comment with their contact info. Anyway II, here’s the podcast and roundup:
Frank Francisco – Will be fine for Opening Day, according to the Mets doctors. Damn, almost said that with a straight face. No, seriously, he should be fine… Dah! Again, I tried. Do with that info what you will. Let’s just say, I would’ve dropped Parnell or Rauch for Peralta or Melancon, but I wouldn’t drop the Mets set-up men just for s’s and g’s.
Andrew Bailey – Headed for surgery as Bailey’s Party of Five fingers received terrible news. He’ll be out for 3 to 4 months, at least. I’d add Melancon and Aceves, in that order. For more, click –> Andrew Bailey fantasy or scroll down. No, your other down.
Drew Storen – Hmm… This is just all closer news all the time here, huh? Sounds like Storen should be fine by mid-April, but I’ll believe it when I see him record five saves in a row. Sorry, I’m a cynic.
John Lannan – This is funny to me, and by that I mean not really funny, all spring the Nats were trying to trade Lannan. They didn’t find any takers — shocker! — so they said they would put him in their rotation. Now they optioned him to the minors. Here’s what actually went down, the Nats, “We decided we don’t want to trade Lannan, we won’t him in our rotation.” Then thinking they shut off the mic, “Hopefully clubs will want to trade for him now that we said he’s good enough to be in our rotation. Otherwise, I’ll just run him over with my… Wait, does this red light mean the mic is on or off?”
Jose Bautista – Has mild groin soreness, which sounds like an injury that would sideline a porn star. Bautista should be fine for Opening Day.
Brett Cecil – Was sent down to Double-A New Hampshire, whose team motto is “Pitch Well Or Die.”
Felix Hernandez – Was throwing 89-90 MPH last week and said, “Really, it’s Spring Training, man. I’m fine. I was trying to be like Jamie Moyer.” That quote makes me love F-Her.
Tsuyoshi Wada - Headed to the 15-day DL. But I hardly Tsuyoshinoya.
Daniel Descalso – Will start at second base for the Cards on Opening Day, after Tyler Greene was announced as the starter. I thought La Russa retired. This is liable to be a timeshare, so whoever owns these two players will have high member fees.
Alfredo Simon – Signed by the Reds. The Reds were excited to have a righty in their bullpen, saying, “Finally, we have someone that can murder lefties.”
Adam Dunn – Robin Ventura said he’s leaning towards Dunn in the three hole, saying, “Even though he might strike out a little bit…” That’s like saying, “I’m going with sandpaper in the two hole even though it may scratch a bit.”
Andrew Bailey will need thumb surgery, according to one doctor. He’s scheduled to get a second opinion today. That second doctor’s gonna say, “The first doctor and I play golf and he only sent you to me to run up your doctor bills. Of course you need surgery.” My opinion is Bailey is always hurt and he’s gonna miss a few months. When Bailey was first traded to the Sawx in the offseason, I even opined, “When Melancon went to the Sawx, I said, “The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.” In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer. Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.” Prescient ain’t just a word you need a spell checker for. It’s a state of mind! Bailey will be absolutely fine as a closer when he’s healthy, which is to say maybe 4 of 6 months of the season if the Sawx are lucky.” And that’s me quoting me! I don’t just bring this up for the Bailey news, but I wanted to say again how the Sawx GM originally pegged Melancon as having closer potential. Originally, I said he wasn’t a big market closer, but guess what y’all? He’s a heck more of a big market closer than Aceves. He has closer experience and that you can’t buy (legally outside of Canada). The Sawx are saying Aceves could get saves. I’m not sure how much I believe it. If Melancon was out there in my leagues, I grabbed him too (as in, in addition to Aceves). If Aceves does get the first couple of saves, he’ll need to be perfect to keep the job, i.e., vis-a-vis, ergo, Melancon could end up getting 25 saves even if he doesn’t get the first couple. This shituation is fluid so put on some plastic bed sheets. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Frank Francisco – Went for an MRI on his knee yesterday. Ah, the Mets and their injuries. The Mets doctors originally thought Francisco was dealing with patella tendinitis — is that the pre-med Indian kid who lived in my freshman dorm? Frank2 had an ERA north of 5.50 in the spring and the publicity was, “Where’s his velocity?” He thought he’d locate his electricity with tenacity, but kept ending up back at paucity, which left people grabbing Rauch in felicity, prior to her cutting her hair — the audacity! Only issue is unless your league has a category for the number of things a pitcher can reach off a top shelf, Rauch may be useless. Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from the movie Role Models, could end up with the bulk of the saves. Then there’s Ramon Ramirez, who insists you not call him Ram-Ram, not that there’s anything wrong with a little Ram-Ram… Basically, the Mets are a shizzshow closerousel that could get you sick to your stomach. I grabbed Rauch in one league, Parnell in another league and think one of them will get the majority of the saves in April for the Mets. Either could run with the job longer too.
Jason Bay – If he struggles in the season, the Mets said they could platoon him. Not even joking here, but I think this the first bit of Mets front office news I’ve agreed with since they fired A.J. Mass from his Mr. Met job.
Sam Fuld – Out 4 to 5 months with wrist surgery. Will give Fuld plenty of time to hunt wabbits.
Sean Marshall – Named Cincy closer. I could’ve told you that last week, and I’m not even reading tea leaves, especially not chunky Betty Draper’s.
Aroldis Chapman – Will stay in the bullpen as a setup man for Marshall. I wonder if Aroldis would’ve signed in Cincy if he would’ve known he’d be stuck in the bullpen for his whole career. Coming from Cuba, he should’ve known he wasn’t going to get any say in the matter with the Reds.
Tyler Colvin – Someone grabbed Colvin in my NL-Only draft during the free round and everyone groaned. Colvin is a whole lot of nothing right now, but prepare for Fowler to get benched a game here and there and Colvin to get a chance. If he does well with those chances, Colvin will be a hot add everywhere.
Josh Beckett – Has a thumb injury, but shouldn’t miss his first start. Beckett did go to Texas to get it checked out. I’m guessing he didn’t hitchhike.
Carlos Lee – Ken Rosenthal reported that Lee can block trades to 14 teams this year. With 18.5 million still going to Lee, 29 teams are hoping they’re one of the 14.
Dayan Viciedo – Hit a home run yesterday and finished with a .196 average. Spring training numbers mean nothing, but I wouldn’t be shocked if this Cuban raftee sees an average around .200 this year.
Randall Delgado – Won the fifth rotation spot for the Braves. As of right now, Delgado doesn’t look like he’s going to pitch well or past May 1st when Hudson returns. Last year, he had an ERA of 2.83 in 7 games started, but a hideous K-rate, walk rate and xFIP. I’m worried about his walk rate and K-rate dropping as he moves up to a new level. Right now, I wouldn’t risk it outside of NL-Only leagues.
Tyler Pastornicky – Hey, the clergyman that Carmella made out with was named the Braves starting shortstop. I went over my Pastornicky fantasy already. I wrote it while being disappointed by the Worst Cooks in America finale.
Roger Bernadina – Nursing a right knee contusion, but should be fine for Opening Day. Yesterday, in VinWins’ post about RCL trends, I was surprised to see Bernadina wasn’t drafted at all. Not that I need to explain myself to you, but there’s gonna be a post later today from Rudy that is gonna blow your mind. Let’s just say, just when you thought my mustache couldn’t get any fuller, it just did.
Jesus Montero – Was escorted off the field after getting beaned in the back of the helmet. After the game, Wedge said he’s okay, it got him “in the fat part of the helmet.” Then Kevin Smith started a Twitter campaign demanding helmets of any size are treated the same, then Michelle Obama started a helmet nutrition program and the fat helmet lost weight and wasn’t nearly as funny.
