Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Closer Look was only six days ago and we’ve already lost a $12 Salad (Mo), a Donkeycorn (Huston Street) and three Brain Freezes (Santiago/Thornton, Bell, Downs).  If you think the Closepocalypse is something created by the media (me) to sell newspapers (no one buys newspapers), then continue to disbelieve.  I’m just back from Costco with a keg of chicken broth, 400 count box of Mallomars and a 17 pound box of Wheat Thins to stock my Closepocalypse shelter.  When the major leagues have run out of all pitchers to close and have exhausted all other athletes in all other sports trying to convert them to closers and they come knocking on my door, I’m going into my Closepocalypse shelter and you won’t see me again.  Street is always a good nose blow away from getting hurt, so it’s no huge shocker.  The Padres don’t think he’ll be back when his DL stint is up, and I’ll go as far to say he won’t be back for about a month and he’s a setback away from missing three months.  For further reading on that see:  His career.  I grabbed Andrew Cashner in one league.  I would’ve grabbed Luke Gregerson too if I had room, but, alas, I did not.  Who could fit anything with this keg of broth?!  And, because as soon as anyone becomes a closer, they get hot in the way a Dutch oven is hot, so Cashner followed every other closer this year and gave up a bunch of runs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Cory Luebke – Probably needs Tommy John surgery.  He said his symptoms point to it.  Now the only thing between him and Tommy John surgery is a visit to Dr. James Andrews.  Thank your deity of choice that Dr. James Andrews didn’t become a dentist.  “I think I have a cavity.”  “Okay, you’re gonna be sidelined 12 to 15 months.”

Heath Bell – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck and finally pulled the plug on Bell.  Joey Cora applauded the decision, saying, “No one wears a towel around a neck like Ozzie.”  Was about two weeks coming now that Bell would be rung up, and I’ve been telling you to pick up Cishek for about as long.  He’s been flat-out dominant (0.63 ERA, 0.91 WHIP) so there’s a chance he takes the job and runs with.  He didn’t get the save yesterday because he was used excessively the other day.  There’s also a chance Ozzie lets Bell get saves again after a week or two in the bullpen.  Or Ozzie could just see Mujica get a save and let him run with the job.  What I think happens to Bell is he’s ineffective in a setup role and lands on the Disgraceful List.  It wasn’t like Bell was lost because of confidence.  Not like he’s new to the 9th inning.  Something’s off with him physically.

Jayson Werth – Will miss at least 6 weeks with a broken wrist.  FWIWerth, I think he could miss three months.  I was speculating earlier that Harper might not stay in the bigs, even though they named a cereal after him (Bryce Krispies).  Now Harper’s definitely not going anywhere, except to the store to buy more eye black.

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start yesterday with a tight hamstring.  Dodgers are saying he’ll be fine.  Kemp’s owners are praying he’ll be fine.

Javy Guerra – Blew the save, but, with the current closer situation around the majors, he looked downright awesome!

Jason Bay – Terry Collins said it still hurts when Bay laughs, which makes it hard to play since Bay’s career has become such a joke.

Ruben Tejada – Probably headed to the DL with a quad strain. C’mon, Ruben, it’s nothing a little extra Thousand Island dressing can’t fix.

Lorenzo Cain – Now will be out for at least another month.  Finally, he gets an everyday job handed to him and he can’t stay healthy.  Him and Mat Gamel should take the University of Phoenix online seminar, “Opportunities Knocks Isn’t Just A Dana Carvey Movie.”

Adam Jones – 3-for-8 with his 8th homer.  I’ve been meaning to give Jones a lede in a roundup, but all these stupid closers have monopolized things.   Jones is a guy that can go 30+ homers with 15+ steals.  He’s real and he’s beautiful.

Nolan Reimold – Placed on the DL after two weeks of “Will he?” or “Won’t he?” speculation about his health.  Judge Reimold not by the color of his skin, but by his inability to recognize pain.

Mark Reynolds – The Mini Donkey show is hot, as he hit homers Friday and Saturday.  If someone dropped him, grab him.

J.J. Hardy – 5-for-8, with two solo homers.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Chris Davis - 0-for-8 with 5 Ks and 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he finished out the extra inning game.  Before Davis even entered the locker room, 15 clubs inquired about him to be their closer.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs as he hit his first homer, which was a grand salami.  (Oh, and welcome, Google Searcher of “Donkey show is hot” + “grand salami.”  We won’t judge you here.)

Chris Sale – I told you the White Sox manager’s hat is like the Mask, where whomever wears it makes the craziest decisions.  Ventura appointed Sale the closer because he has a tender elbow and they want to cut back his innings.  The pitching coach had a classic line regarding the move, “Listen, we’re not making this decision based upon what’s best for the team.” Same could be said about how they put together their entire offense.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Don’t even really care that it was against the Pirates.  I mean, sure, I would’ve told everyone and their mother’s child to drop him if he pitched poorly here, but he didn’t.  This is why you held him through all the mishegoss. I will now look forward to owning him as he drops his ERA from 4.93 to the mid-3′s.

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 2nd homer in the last three days and a slam & legs yesterday.  He’s on a 15+ homer, 25+ steal pace with a .262 average.  He credits his newfound success with some advice from Dusty that he didn’t pay attention to.

David Robertson – Brace Face says the closer job is still kinda up in the air, but I think Robertson is gonna be the closer and a $12 Salad by June.  I didn’t put him in Friday’s Buy, because I didn’t realize he wasn’t owned in every league.  He should’ve been already.  Doode’s filthy, filthy as in good, not filthy as in bad, and that’s not bad as in good but bad as in bad.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Hey, those smelling salts I used on my Cano voodoo doll worked!

Albert Pujols – Maicer Izutris pinch hit for him and homered… No, wait, that was actually Pujols that homered!

Scott Downs – “Hey, God here, just wanted to give you a heads up that I have a fantasy team this year and I punted saves, so, ya know, gotta do what you gotta do.”  Downs hurt his knee yesterday.  Why?  Because closers can’t have anything nice this year.  It’s actually gotten to the point where a closer will get replaced and I won’t even look for him in all of my leagues because I just assume he too will be replaced in a few days.  LaTroy Hawkins got the save yesterday, but I’d be surprised if Walden didn’t just get the next one because, well, he never really did anything wrong to begin with to lose the job.  Then again, Walden could’ve got the save yesterday and didn’t.  “Hey, Bourjos, you want the top bunk?”  That’s Walden looking at his new digs in the Scioscia Dog House.  Hawkins definitely won’t be getting the next save, because the price he paid for getting yesterday’s was a broken pinkie.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Supposedly, the Indians found a flaw in his delivery prior to this game.  Though, I’m not sure if they fixed it because he still threw five walks in seven innings.  Maybe his flaw was that he was throwing meaty strikes and now he’s throwing meatballs.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 with a steal and he hit a homer the other day.  I might just be trying to stay positive with this schmohawk because Rudy drafted him on a bunch of our teams, but it feels like Choo is finally coming out of his slump.  Knowing our (and his) luck, he’ll probably get injured this week.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 with a homer and 3 RBIs.  He has 20 homer power and some speed.  I’d check raise that to the bettor and go Allen.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Before we start reaching around on each other, let’s wash our hands and remember Wainwright was facing the Asstros.

Chris Johnson – Hit two homers on Wednesday and he hit another one on Saturday.  You, “Do you smell something burning?”  Me, “Oh, yeah, that’s a Chris Johnson’s hot schmotato.  It’s okay to put tin foil in the microwave, right?”

Derrek Lee – Sounds like he’s gonna join former teammate Aramis on the Brewers.  Now all the Brewers need to do is cover the 7th inning Racing Bratwurst in yellow mustard, onions, bright green sweet pickle relish, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices and a dash of celery salt.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks on Friday as Smyly continues to be the happiest man in baseball.  He gets the Mariners in Seattle next time out.  Run.  Don’t walk to the waiver wire and grab Drew Smyly Face Winking Emoticon With Weird Squiggle Coming Out Of His Mouth.

Matt Moore – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Against the A’s?  The A’s actually signed Brandon Inge as an upgrade and are now batting him 6th.  Early last week, the A’s asked their opponent if they minded if the A’s just put a cardboard cutout of Hulk Hogan at-bat for their 2nd baseman since Weeks was sick.  Against the A’s?  On the bright side, if you don’t own him (there’s no bright side if you do own him), this is a good opportunity to buy low.

Desmond Jennings – Left yesterday’s game with a sore knee.  Rays are saying it’s not a big deal, but it always concerns me when a player, whose name I’ve tattooed right above my butt crack, feels sore enough they have to leave in the middle of a game.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Like I tell my girlfriends, you have to ignore a small sample size.  And for the most part, I do that.  Freeman’s power so far is surprising to me, but I don’t think it’s a small sample size thing.  If I were the type to change preseason projections, which I’m not, I’d give Freeman 27-ish homers.

Dayan Viciedo - Was hit on the elbow.  The bad news, he left immediately in what seemed to be a lot of pain.  The good news, he made contact with the baseball.

Brian Dozier – On his radio show, Gardenhire said Dozier would be the starting shortstop.  This is very surprising.  Gardenhire has a radio show?  Does he do call-in’s for who should bat cleanup?  Does he give away a thousand bucks for each time a Twins batter gets a hit, which turned into a terrible promotion?  Is Brad Radke his Baba Booey?  As for Dozier, not that surprising.  Twins need offense something fierce.  Dozier has been hitting in the minors (.276, 1 homer and 2 steals; yes, compared to the other Twins hitters that’s good).  I wouldn’t go near Dozier outside of AL-Only leagues.

Justin Morneau – To the 15-day DL.  If I was Morneau’s agent, I’d make sure there was a clause in his contract saying he gets a bonus every time he hits the DL.

Ryan Doumit – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  I have a confession.  In the RCL, I didn’t “Set it and Forget it.”  I drafted Soto and dropped him.  Then, of course, he hit a homer a few days later while I had A.J. Ellis (don’t ask) and now I have Salty, who I will probably drop too.  I’m a bad ‘pert, son.

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 6 ER.  As one of my stunod cousins would say, pitching like that you ain’t gonna Juan nothing!  In most mixed leagues, I’d lose Nicasio like the 80′s calculator watch he sounds like.

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5 with his 3rd steal.  Don’t be stealing Campana’s trademark, “All I do is steal, and you like me because of it.”

Mike Carp – Hit a homer yesterday.  And he’s… Ugh, so hard to get excited about M’s hitters.  He’s got some… Yeah, I’m gonna stop trying.

Chone Figgins – On Friday, I said the M’s should move on from Figgy.  Looks like the Mariners read Razzball because on Friday they said, “Figgy, please… You are no longer an everyday starter.”  Tough break for Figgy; he’s now only gonna earn nine million dollars this year and eight million next year.  If I were him, I’d bring a suitcase of money to every game and count that shizz on the bench.  “Looks like a beautiful day at the ballpark.  There’s a slight wind coming in from the right field– Wait, what’s that Figgy is chasing out into the outfield?  Oh, it’s thousand dollar bills.”

I liked me some Brandon Morrow, but I’m thinking of the old Morrow (not Edward Murrow) that had no control and sat down hitters like he was a furniture salesman whose favorite line was, “Try it out.”  I talked briefly in our last podcast about Morrow.  Rudy tends to think Morrow is a new and improved pitcher.  I think Rudy’s standing too close to a newly-glued diorama.  I just want to get out the facts about Morrow that we think we know compared to what we do know.  FACT:  He’s never had control.  NOT FACT:  Without control, he’s now able to pitch the ball exactly where hitters can make contact, but not get a base hit.  FACT:  His FIP is saying he’s getting lucky.  NOT FACT:  He can leave more runners on than other pitchers.  FACT:  His career walk rate is 4.39.  NOT FACT:  This year he can continue to shave more than two walks per nine off his rate.  FACT:  He pitches in the AL East.  NOT FACT:  He has a parakeet named, Chisel Jaw, that he dresses up in WWII pilot gear with a mini parachute.  FACT:  He’s injury prone.  NOT FACT:  Whenever he orders halibut, he shrugs and says, “I don’t know why I’m ordering this.  Maybe just for the halibut.”  FACT:  He’s at the peak of his value.  NOT FACT:  He liked Jordin Sparks’ latest album on Facebook.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer.  Two things I don’t agree with there.  First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer.  Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.

Edward Mujica – Member what I said about Heath Bell about twelve words ago?  Yup.

Brian Fuentes – I’d pick up Fuentes in some leagues.  I’d pick up Ryan Cook in some leagues.  I’d even pick up that Eddie Murphy movie guy, Norberto, in some leagues.  But this is far from a clear path to SAGNOF success.

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath needs Adderall after replacing his closer for one blown save.  I think Walden gets the job back (or back, back, back if Chris Berman is reading), but Downs should definitely be owned.

David Robertson – I went over him this morning.  Try hitting down on your scrolly finger.

Matt Thornton – It’s been a long winding road for Hector Santiago this first month of the season.  At times he looked hittable and at other times he made Matt Thornton actually look good.

Jason Vargas – Marginer!

Chris Capuano – He’s no spring chicken.  His time for greatness has past (unless he goes to Japan, reinvents himself and returns a new pitcher named, Chris Dragono), but he could be that ever-elusive pitcher at the back end of your staff that stabilizes things.  Think Kuroda when he was in LA.

Drew Smyly – People are sure taking a long time to add The Emoticon.  I don’t trust people who el oh el after everything on Facebook that isn’t remotely funny — “Oh my God, my baby just wet itself while I was talking to the bank teller el oh el el oh el el oh el!”  Unless your baby is 37 years old, that’s not funny — But an emoticon?  It’s so innocuous.  And it has Ks.

Mike Trout – Unlike Bryce Harper, I don’t think Trout is deep-water fish.  He could give you 10+ homers and 25 steals right now.  On a side note, for my birthday, I want a picture of Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass and me in snorkel gear.  Someone make that happen.  Thank you.

Jed Lowrie – WHO! (While Healthy Own)

Alcides Escobar – WHO!  (Now the H is hitting, instead of healthy.)

Josh Reddick – WHO!  (Who let the dogs out?)

Ty Wigginton – I picked up Wigginton to replace Zimmerman and he’s been better than him.  And that’s not saying anything.  That’s like the opposite of saying something.  It’s like the guy who blinked that novel not even blinking.

Allen Craig – Know why he’s here?  Because of this:  Random Razzball Commenter, “Wow, surprised not to see Allen Craig on this list.”

Will Middlebrooks – I just went over my Will Middlebrooks fantasy.  If you click on that link, you’ll burn 7 calories.  You’re welcome, Michelle Obama!

Tony Campana – He steals like the wind… Did you hear that last line in my voice?  I’m in your head now.  Hey, what’s this thing do?  Oops, I think I just spilled chocolate sauce on your medulla oblongata.  I’ll leave your head now.  Sorry.

Chris Johnson – On one hand, I like Chris Johnson.  On the other hand, I don’t like Astro hitters.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a broomstick, Johnson’s hitting over .300 with some slight speed and power.

Pedro Alvarez – If you went up to a girl at the bar and asked her if you should pick up Chris Davis or Pedro Alvarez, she’d smell the desperation on you.  Here, at Razzball, we welcome desperation and Pedro Alvarez.

SELL

Bryce Harper – But he uses the Shroud of Turin to apply eye black!  And he once ordered pizza to Syracuse from Rome, Italy on a borrowed cell phone!  And he has a butterfly named after him!  The Bryce Harpertail is rare and only found on the island of Guam, but it’s named after him!  Guys (and 4 girls), he’s not going to be the greatest thing since a Hello Kitty toaster this year.  He was struggling in the minors.  Maybe he was disinterested, as most 19 year old’s get, but he’s still only a 10-15 homer, 10-15 steal guy right now.  His value because of hype is way above that.  I wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon to the Ren-Faire, but I’d explore options.  (Don’t sell in keepers.  I’m talking about redraft leagues here.)

Danny Espinosa – It’s with much rueful rumination and fervor that I gather words that I don’t use when I’m speaking or really know what they mean, when I tell you Espinosa is a wanksta that needs some serious minor league seasoning.

Adam Lind – You win some, and you draft Adam Lind and he’s not winsome.

Even King Mo, Thy Saver of the Throne, Sire of Sutter, Haver of Fingers, Tester of the Quiz, Nowhere Near the Stench of the Wickman is not immune to the closepocalypse that is upon us.  The plague of ninth inning locusts strikes all that cross thee path!  What?  I was pouring out some Olde English for the brothers who aren’t here.  Mariano Rivera was hurt shagging fly balls.  Last person hurt like that was Jenna Jameson.  It didn’t look good, as he was carted off in pain, and it turned out even worse, as he was diagnosed with a torn ACL.  David Robertson should’ve been owned already, but here’s a real reason to, you save vulture.  This is frustrating not because I owned Rivera.  I don’t; I don’t believe in $12 Salads, but someone is lucking into Robertson, who could end up one of the best closers in baseball this year.  If you’re really hurting for saves, it’s worth a speculative grab to pick up Rafael Soriano.  The Yankees would have to be five cookies short of a potential Biggest Loser contestant’s breakfast to skip K-Rob for Soriano, but he does have closer experience.  Whatever that means nowadays.  After the closepocalypse, half the league’s pitchers have closer experience.  Juan Cruz has it now!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pablo Sandoval – Wanna hear something freaky?  You have a third nipple!?  No, Random Italicized Voice.  Almost exactly one year ago, Pablo Sandoval broke the hamate bone on his other hand.  (And less freaky is Ryan Zimmerman was also injured that week.)  I suggest next year, for the week of Cinco de Mayo, Pablo Sandoval go out of town.  Maybe Cozumel.  Have some margaritas, win some wet t-shirt contests, have unprotected sex — Really get the full Mexico experience!  Then return a week later healthy.  The fact that Sandoval broke his hamate bone two years in a row makes me think he should have them removed (then BBQ them and sell them at a county fair).  The surgery is not unheard of, Tabata had the hamate bone removal surgery done in the minor leagues (then used it like a wishbone and hoped his wife would stop thinking she’s remaking Raising Arizona.  BTW, his wife is 46 years old?  And Tabata is 23?  A Latin 23 may not do this guy justice, which is the key word.).  If Sandoval keeps the hamate bone, then I’d be concerned this could keep happening.  Either way, he’s out for 6 weeks.

Conor Gillaspie – Should replace Sandoval for the majority of the playing time.  Conor Gillaspie plays 3rd sack.  Me myself, I like to max.  Red-Bone booties, I’m out to wax!  Seriously, what did we do without Google for song lyrics?  Did everyone sound like my uncle who sings three words of every song then mumbles the rest?  Mumble, mumble, mumble, I can’t go for that.  No can do.  Gillaspie has a little bit of nothing going for himself outside of average.  He was hitting .356 in Triple-A.  That was inflated by his BABIP, but he should be able to hit around .280.  He has next to no power, and his speed isn’t that impressive.  You can do better, Marvin’s Room. (Maybe the best song of the last year.)

Heath Bell – Ozzie says Bell is still his closer.  He also praised Castro and disparaged gays, so, ya know, grain of salt.

Edward Mujica – Recorded the save yesterday but Cishek (who I think will get saves) and Bell were unavailable.

Brandon Morrow – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Not only did he throw a shutout, but he didn’t throw any walks.  Can he pitching coach Scherzer?

Albert Pujols – 0-for-3, dropping his average to .202.  Can’t they pinch-hit Maicer Izturis for him?

Ernesto Frieri – Yesterday, Albert (not Pujols, the writer for our site) called Frieri the “closer of the future” for the Padres.  Then Frieri was traded to the Angels.  I don’t think he’s the closer of the future for the Angels, but “setup man of the future” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

Adam LaRoche – Sat out yesterday with oblique soreness.  That dreaded, extremely vague soreness again!  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few games.

Ross Detwiler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was in last week’s Buy.  Don’t make me go back there!

Joe Blanton – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In related news, Halladay left the Phillies for a few days for a personal reason.  He didn’t say why except, “Yo, Joe Blanton got this.”

Laynce Nix – 2-for-3 with a homer.  Superfluous Y’s rejoice!  In chorus, “Because!”

Coco Crisp – Headed to the DL with an inner ear issue.  Coco Crisp says he keeps hearing a snap, crackle, pop.  In his place, Michael Taylor is joining the A’s, but no one seems thrilled about ever playing Taylor in the majors.  Pretty ironic that he was once traded for Brett Wallace, though no one outside of the British really knows what irony is.

Randall Delgado – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s looked like anything but the top prospect he is until this game.  I’m not buying quite yet in most mixed leagues, but I’m watching very carefully.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He looks like a safe, non-threatening number five starter without too much upside or downside.  Kinda like the pitching equivalent to doctor’s office music.  “Hey, while I have this molar extracted, what’s that playing?”  “It’s Vogelsong.”

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer.  His bumper sticker reads, “Why can’t a nosh be posh?  Kipnis!”  His Jason Kipnis fantasy reads like that.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 with another homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Hint:  He’s not a sell.

Andrew McCutchen – Left yesterday’s game with a stomach bug.  Hopefully it’s not a tapeworm.  Those things are nasty.  This girl I know decided to cure her own salmon and left it on the counter encased in salt.  Well, flies dropped some larvae in the lox and she had worm squirts for days.  Okay, when I started that story it seemed appropriate.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Eleven Ks over 5 innings is nice.  His 37 Ks over 34 innings is very nice.  His health, well, it’s good for now.  I’m not a big fan because every time I seem to get invested he breaks down, but his Ks have me intrigued, and whenever I say intrigued in my head I hear the Comic Book Guy.

Jose Tabata – 3-for-5 with a steal.  He raised his average over 100 points in the last ten games.  He’s not going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Wanna know why?  Cause I’m telling you now (actually I told you two days ago).  He’s hot.  Pick him up.  Go now.  This post will be here when you return.

Chone Figgins – 0-for-4 with his average falling to .189.  They really need to DFA this no-longer-young brother.  And lose Smoak while you’re at it too, M’s.  In fact, start over with Carp, Ackley, Montero, Seager and Ken Griffey Jr. Jr.

Allen Craig – 4 for his last 9 with 3 RBIs.  Potatoes to chips, this doode came back from the DL like a flaming ball of yarn.  See, if yarn’s on fire, it would roll out and the hotness would spread, which in hitting terms is good.  Makes total sense.

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer.  The Cubs shouldn’t be thinking about how to make room for Rizzo.  They should be thinking about how to erect a giant statue of LaHair, then accidentally tip it over on Alfonso Soriano.  Two birds, one stone (or granite).

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  First game back from the DL + In a tough park for pitchers +  Against a tough offensive team = Chumlee.  Hmm, math is wrong there.  Meant to add up to SONAVABENCH!

Carlos Marmol – Zero outs recorded, 3 unearned runs (1 earned) and 4 baserunners.  There’s no saying exactly what’s wrong with Marmol, but he’s not himself (dur!).  Sveum says he could replace Marmol from the closer role (dur-dur!).  I want to say bench Marmol in most leagues, but he looks like he’s headed for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  Rafael Dolis would be the pickup, but he’s been far from spectacular.  He hasn’t been craptacular though either.  Kerry Wood isn’t a bad specloselation.  James Russell is a deeper SAGNOF specloselation pick.  He’s been great so far, but he’s a lefty.  It’s basically a total mess of a closerousel shituation.  Now I will await Guinness Book of World Records to crown this blurb for the most portmanteaus ever used in a single blurb.  *finger tap*  Waiting…

Heath Bell is giving out two run innings like he’s Daryl Hannah giving out crazy vibes. Yesterday, was the fourth time in 8 appearances this year he’s allowed 2 runs.  His WHIP (2.70) looks like an ERA, his ERA looks a perfect score from a corrupt figure skater judge (10.80) and the Red Sox are wondering if he can be their closer.  At some point, Bell should be replaced as closer, and, with the way he’s been pitching, that point was about three weeks ago.  Astute Razzball reader, “Is Cishek or Mujica the replacement?”  I thought you were the astute one.  Mujica looks to be the set-up man, but I think Cishek gets first crack.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.  As of right now, I wouldn’t drop Bell, but I also wouldn’t put him in my active roster.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Carlos Oviedo – MLB suspended Juan Carlos Ovideo (Leo Nunez) for eight weeks for using a fake identity.  No plan to suspend Heath Bell for impersonating Kevin Gregg.  In his time off, Leo the Lyin’ plans on snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looking like a true sterling Darvish.

Evan Longoria – Left yesterday’s game with a knee injury after trying to steal 2nd.  The Rays are calling it “knee soreness.”  I’m calling it “it better be just soreness.”

Miguel Olivo – Homered, but whatever he also left yesterday’s game because his groin got injury duty, leaving the M’s summonsing Montero (who also homered)!  Olivo’s headed to the 15-day DL, so guess who will get 10 games played at catcher just a tad quicker now?  Hey, I’m smiling.  That feels weird.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 with his 8th homer and 4th game in a row with one.  His hot hitting has my heart stopped…. captured…. arrested… It’s a case of Edwin Incarceration.

Allen Craig – Look at Allen Craig strutting around with two first names while R. Kelly’s only got an initial.  Craig is set to return from the DL.  Probably won’t play 2nd base, but whatever, that’s real baseball talk.  He’s eligible there in most fantasy leagues.  He could get teen homers and a handful of steals with everyday playing time, which he should have.

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he lowers his ERA to 2.40 while striking out nearly a batter per inning.  I’ve told just about anyone who’s asked in the comments that they should pick up Drabek, friend.

Brad Lidge – He’s gonna miss May with hernia surgery.  So he went from Vertigo to Nads on a Strain.

Tom Milone – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER in Fenway.  Eh, even in our deep leagues we benched Milone here.  Don’t hate the playa (not Spanish for beach), hate the game.

Kevin Youkilis – Was scratched with a sore back.  Weird, that usually happens to me with an itchy back.

David Ortiz – 2-for-3 with his 5th and 6th homers as he bats .405 with 20 RBIs.  Of course I should’ve just drafted Ortiz in the 2nd round instead of Giancarlo Stanton.  I will now lock myself in my cry closet.

Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 1.97.  Good thing Matusz was the Orioles starter to watch coming out of Spring Training.  Sideways emoticon with an elbow nudge.

Ryan Braun – 3 homers in Petco with the 2nd one being airmailed, but it still counted.

David Robertson – 1 IP, 3 Ks.  K-Rob’s ERA is 0.00 and WHIP is 0.91, having allowed 7 baserunners in 11 IP to go with his 18 Ks.  He’s owned in 12% of ESPN leagues and he’s headed for a better year than probably at least two of the starters on your fantasy team.

Patrick Corbin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Isn’t this Patrick Corbin guy the one Carrie bides her time with while she waits for Mr. Big to come to his senses?  She looks like a horse; horses are hot; what else do you need, Mr. Big?  Any the hoo!  In mixed leagues, wake me when Trevor Bauer’s called up.  Or even Tyler Skaggs.  Or Boz Scaggs.

Justin Upton – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and the Desmond Jennings Special, a slam & legs.  Call a fireplace cause Upton looks like he’s starting to swing some hot lumber!  Can someone give me an AM radio-style bassoon, triangle, horn?

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with a steal as he bats .193 and hit cleanup. Pretty appropriate since he’s been dirtying fantasy lineups all year.

Justin Morneau – Left yesterday’s game with a sore wrist.  This Justin, Morneau’s an injury waiting to happen.

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  For those who are like, “LaWhere did this come from?”  He hit 38 homers last year in the PCL.  Granted the PCL fills their baseballs with helium, but he’s still got power to spare.

Tony Campana – 0-for-4 with a run and a steal.  When he’s in the dugout, the Cubs hang him from a coat hanger and his legs continue to run.

Matt Kemp – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  The Padres collectively have 11, Cubs have 8 and Infante has 5.

Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  That looks about right for the line you can expect from Nicasio.  Maybe a touch more K and a tad less LOB.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was done wrong by his bullpen that gave up his win.  He’s probably suffering from Münchausen Syndrome because of the rest of the starters in the majors.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Fine, I picked him up.  I had a gaping hole left by Zimmerman, so, with a heavy heart, I went back to the Pedro Alvarez well.  The worst thing that could’ve happened was I ended up ignoring Alvarez this year because of how burnt I got last year.  The 2nd worst thing that could happen is I get burnt again this year.  Yay.

James McDonald – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  There’s the old (once-hyped) McDonald.  Has now strung together back-to-back solid starts with excellent Ks.  I don’t think he’s going to be without his hiccups.

Mike Minor – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Speaking of hiccups, looking at Minor’s start would cure his owners of them.  I’m guessing with 11 baserunners, seven earned and 9 Ks through 6 and a third, he was pretty unlucky.  Too bad I don’t play in any FIPpin’ leagues that care about luck.

Delmon Young – Suspended for 7 days after an incident where he was allegedly yelling anti-Semitic remarks.  Delmon said he was just playing Words With Friends.

And we have our first Disgraceful List of the season and the season hasn’t even started yet (really).  I hate to say I told you so, so (stutterer!) instead, I’ll just quote the relevant text from earlier this preseason, “(Michael Pineda) is young so there’s plenty of time to see how well he adjusts.  For now, I’m going to let someone else take the chance on him.  What it really comes down to is it’s not very difficult to find solid starters, so there’s no reason to take unnecessary risk.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Zadow!  I feel like I’ve exorcised a demon when I tell you to avoid someone and they bust.  (Oh, and Rudy told you to avoid him too at his risky pitchers post.)  It makes me feel so good.  Schadenfreude!  Can you feel my excitement?  You know those struggling artists from touristy beach towns that draw caricatures in coal?  I’m gonna hire one of them and one of those skywriting airplanes and have them draw a giant mustache in the sky above your house.  I might also have the pilot wear a burlap sack.  Why?  Cause it’s a crazy person mocking you, that makes it even worse!  Now, if you ignored our advice and drafted him, this was actually the best case scenario, because now you can DL him, before it looked like you were just gonna have to watch him in the minors while on your bench.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Andrew Bailey – Even with bad news, the Red Sox won’t accept being upstaged by the Yankees.  Bailey hurts thumb, gives fantasy owners the finger.  The injury could force him to the DL to start the season.  Oh, won’t you stay healthy Andrew Bailey, Andrew Bailey?  “Is it me or is this the news once a month for him, “Andrew Bailey has been cleared to start throwing.”  Hey, Bailey, throw already!”  That’s me quoting me from last year!  It’s same shizz different day/month/year with Bailey.  It was announced that the Sawx would turn to Aceves first if (when?) Bailey hits the DL.  Then Bobby Valentine made a wrap sandwich, because he invented them and likes to talk about that.

Daniel Bard – Ended up being named the Sawx’s fifth stahter as he was Bard from the bullpen.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’d be very cautious about trusting him.  He’s a bit allergic to throwing strikes and by the fifth inning Valentine may bee pollen him.  Take it, Highlights Magazine, it’s yours!

Juan Francisco – Was traded to the Braves to “temporarily” fill-in for Glass Chipper.  In the offseason, I said I wanted to take off my Zubaz and wear all the Reds rookies (Cozart, Francisco and Mesoraco) as pants.  Then I went caca-cuckoo for Cozart and Mesoraco for the next three months, but left Francisco alone because Dusty wasn’t going to play him.  Well, guess what, over-the-Internet friend, Francisco just got himself some playing time!  He has power to spare.  Last year, he hit a ball out of The Great American Ball Park going about 500 feet.  He’s also seen very few pitches he doesn’t like.  If Chipper stays on his usual 180-day DL, and Francisco hits… Well, this won’t be the last time I talk about him.  He could hit 25+ homers.

Ted Lilly – Will start the year on the DL.  He could return to the Dodgers as soon as April 15th.  We’ll see if by then the Dodgers are meeting at half court and kissing the opposing players on the cheek prior to games.

Allen Craig – To the DL.  I wonder if he ever gets confused on government documents when he has to put his last name first.

Chris Carpenter – To the DL.  You can backdate this three weeks.  No word on its expiration date.  I’m guessing we’ll see him sometime in June for a start or two then the issue will resurface.

Troy Tulowitzki – X-rays came back clean after he was beaned on the elbow by his ex-teammate Ubaldo Jimenez, which Tulo claimed was intentional.  Sounds like they’re having a hard time putting behind them their *pinkie to mouth* Rockie relationship.

Wilin Rosario – 81, 97 and 91 aren’t the three highest IQs of Jersey Shore castmates.  It’s the number of games Ramon Hernadez has played the last three years.  Wilin hit 21 homers last year in Double-A and now he’s backing up Ramon.  In 2 catcher leagues, I’d go ahead and add him in the landmark case of sooner vs later.

Corey Hart – Should avoid the DL to start the year.  Never surrender, Corey Hart!

R.A. Dickey – After he was spiked on Saturday, Dickey needed two stitches, but Dickey was seen telling girls he needed 8 stitches.

Tim Stauffer – Has been nursing a mild triceps injury.  (Or is that tricep?  Is it just a onecep?)  Could bump him back a week or so before his first start.

Michael Morse – To the DL.  Dot, dot, damn.

Mike Trout – Was optioned to the minors.  Unless the Halos reacquire Kotchman and he gives the entire team mono, we’re not gonna see much of Trout until much later in the season.

Scott Baker – To the DL.  Baker said, “I’d love to start the home opener; it’s just not wise.”  Then Pringles dropped him from their endorsement contract.

Josh Hamilton – Has groin tightness and could sit out the rest of spring training so he can go when the season starts, then have this flare up again five or six more times during the season.  Sorry to use “flare up” and “groin” in the same sentence.

Jed Lowrie – Looks like he could start the year on the DL.  If Glass Chipper and Chase Utley had a baby, it would be Jed Lowrie.

Wade LeBlanc – Marlins optioned him to Triple-A.  He’s hoping to resurface playing a funnier version of himself.

Kyle Weiland – Earned a spot in the Astros rotation.  And what did you do this weekend, Eddie Vedder’s brother?!  Huh?!  Our prospect writer, Scott, wrote, “Weiland profiles as a back-of-the-rotation starter.  He had his chance at the big league level last year, where in five appearances he posted an ugly 6.55 FIP.  He throws a low 90′s fastball along with a cutter, a curve and a changeup.  I wouldn’t mind seeing him throw one of those fastballs at Grey’s head.”  Hey, I didn’t remember reading that!

Livan Hernandez – He was released by the Astros, then two hours later showed up at the Braves training complex, and signed on to be a long man/spot starter.  The Astros only train about 20 minutes from the Braves, but it took 2 hours?  Hmm, sounds like Livan drives about as fast as he throws.