“He is a prince of Dorne. Men and women will line up to f*ck him until the day he dies.”
[Game of Thrones spoilers ahead!] The probable reign of Prince Giancarlo Stanton, aka The Yardfather from House Ravishing, is upon us. Has anyone among you ever witnessed such a statuesque and magnificently proportioned beast? Has a single one of you viewed a more virtuous and angelic presence, possessing both kindness and strength? Here and now I command you to step forward if you have knowledge of a more deserving candidate! Did someone just say, Adam Jones? That sort of insolence is usually rewarded with a swift kick to the chin from my steel toed, ostrich leather boots! Stanton leads the majors with 27 RBIs and holds a sturdy .357 OBP, and that’s with the usual disgraceful lineup protection. I swear to the Elder Gods, I almost came in my Versace man-thong when Stanton crushed that walk-off grand slam against Seattle (my home team) last week. Is Prince Giancarlo’s emergence near the time of disgraceful King Joffrey’s death coincidence? I think not.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
[Sky’s Note: I’m not wearing any pants. Wait, that’s not the note I came to give you. And how could I carry said note without pockets anyways? Whatevs, our friends over at DraftKings wanted you to know about this little thing called the Sweet Spot. The prize pool is $400,000. That’s the kind of pool Scrooge McDuck would swim in and who wouldn’t want to swim like Unca Scooge? The coolest part about that link? First time depositors get a free $2 ticket. Wanna know what you can spend that $2 ticket on? A Satellite ticket to get in on this thang. So if you’ve been sitting on the sidelines while we at the Razz were having fun, now would be a good time to get in the game. We now give you back your regularly scheduled bloggy-type thing.]
Cheers, my Razzballin’ droogs. Why am I sipping a fine Islay at this time of day you may be asking? Firstly, it’s the only scotch I buy (I didn’t say drink) and secondly I can afford it after doubling my bankroll in just one week of play on DraftKings. If you’re not playing, you’re letting cash get scooped up by the likes of me. Thanks, today I’ll buy a genuine alligator skin turban with my winnings. Now if you are a regular DFS player feel free to skip ahead to your humble-but-nontheless-handsome Guru’s picks of the day – they are money. If you have never played daily fantasy sports please allow me to pull on your coat about something here: Get your fanny perpendicular in the game now! I know the fantasy season can be a long haul in the RCLs. It’s a marathon not a sprint blah blah blah. However, with DraftKings every day is a new season, every game, every pitch, every at-bat is of upmost importance and there’s cold hard cash to be won. Quite simply it’s a lot of fun, damn addictive and I got a monkey that likes to party on my back – hi Tehol. And whether you know it or not, sweet innocent Razzballers, you have a distinct advantage on the competition – us. The best way to get in the money quickly is to have the best info available. If you wander into the shark infested waters of DFS without relevant data, predictive stats or a clue you will be chum. Using the Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-tron and our info on Vegas odds and weather forecasts (especially this time of year) gives you a leg up on the competition. Let the Thomas Magnum lookalike drop too much on Miguel Cabrera because he loves the Tigers. We’re going to jam Jose Abreu because we like money and Cuban sandwiches. So, give DraftKings a shot today, join a 50/50 league for a buck and watch your bankroll grow. Just remember us and send a drink our way when we get thirsty. We’re always thirsty. Cheers.
With all that out of the way (I kinda felt like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society there – Carpe Diem!) let me step down from my atop my desk and get down to business. Here’s our picks for Wednesday’s 4/09 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…
Please, blog, may I have some more?