Fantasy Baseball Advice

Our weekly Friday Fantasy Baseball Feature, Buy Low/Sell High is back after an offseason layoff.  When asked what this fantasy baseball feature did during the offseason, it said this, “Went up to the Adirondacks for some bass fishing with my friend, Clete.  Well, one thing led to another and we fell in love.”  Alrighty then!  To get everyone on the same page, I like the Buy guys.  I dislike the Sell guys.  Now if Thames is in the Buy section (which he is!) and Lackey is in the Sell section (there too!) that doesn’t mean I recommend you trade Lackey for Thames.  Everything’s relative, Einstein.  Anyway, here’s some guys to buy and sell for the 1st week of the fantasy baseball season (start the games already!):

BUY

Alexi Casilla – Can run, can hit and at MI it pays to find out how much.

Emmanuel Burriss – Imagine Juan Pierre at 2nd base.  Run, Burriss, run.

Brett Gardner – It’s like a whole post of SAGNOF’ers.  Solid OBP and can steal 35 bags.  Don’t invest too heavily because the Yankees outfield is crowded, but I gots love for Gardner.

Marcus Thames – In 400 ABs, it’s not outlandish to think he could hit 30 HRs.  Actually, it’s quite landish.

Mark Teahen – 20/10?  Maybe.  Doesn’t hurt to find out.  Rotate middle infielders!  All the kids are doing it.

Russell Branyan – Every year a few guys rip up spring training and carry it into the regular season.  Don’t pay a lot for this schmohawk, but he’s worth a flier for power.

David Price – I like him better than Wieters, because, in the end, Wieters is just a catcher, but Price is a pitcher that can still get 120 to 140 solid innings.  Just bench him for a month.  You don’t really need Emilio Bonifacio that bad.  Unless you do.

David Freese – Now Glaus is not coming back until the All-Star Break.  Freese is the word.

Jason Motte – Sure, LaRussa’s doing everything he can to not appoint Motte the closer, but the alcohol has to wear off eventually.

Josh Johnson – You’ll be poppin’ some blowers when you fire up a Big Johnson.

John Danks – And put some Danks on it!

Matt Cain – I can just feel it.  Cain’s about to warm it up.  Genuine for oh-nine and still ain’t half-steppin’, peace!

SELL

Huston Street – Sure, check’s good to the bettor, but you need alligator blood.  Trade Street for an upgrade somewhere else while he has some value.

David Purcey – Mentioned this guy the other day.  *Burp*

Elijah Dukes – He’s effectively losing the outfield job to Austin Kearns.   That’ll make for a fun clubhouse!

Chris Young – Something is seriously wrong with Tally.  Might be hiding an injury.  Maybe he’s just sick of getting things down for people off high shelves.  You should hold tight for right now, but you’re not going to be able to start him.

Troy Glaus – Punt!

Fernando Rodney – If you can actually get someone to trade you a decent piece for Rodney now that he’s the closer, you win.  And by “decent piece,”  I mean just about anyone.

Travis Hafner – How long you think Hafner’s going to be stinking up the joint with his melon head?  Hafner’s head, “That was uncalled for.”

Nyjer Morgan – I like speed and nothing else guys as much as the next schmohawk, but Nyjer’s like a hot dog with no hot dog and no bun.  Think relish in your hand.  Who wants relish in their hand?  I don’t.  In deep leagues, sometimes you have to do what you have to do, but I’d try and do it elsewhere.

John Lackey – First sign of good news, I suggest you see if you can get someone decent for him in a trade.  This might take embellishing good news like this, “After his MRI, Lackey said he felt so good he could go for another three of them.”

Losing Gary Sheffield from your fantasy baseball team is about the best thing that could’ve happened to you if you owned him. This isn’t really a big fantasy story as far as Sheff goes.  He was a decrepit ex-roider.  (He was a great hitter to watch in his prime and it’s sad when great players devolve into nomadic, expensive NVORPS (negligible value over replacement players).  For every neat and tidy retirement like Ripken and Gwynn, there seems to be at least three like this.) The best thing that could happen is he ends his career at 499 homers.  Instant karma’s gonna get you.  What this does do is open up a spot for someone else.  As I said in the comments yesterday, “The Thames runs through it.”  Damn, I’m pithy.  I’m like Charles Nelson Reilly on The Match Game pithy.  RIP, C N R, you were one of a kind… Until me.  Marcus Thames is a source of 20 – 25 HRs and a .240 average.  Not bad for AL-only but not remarcusable.  He usually only plays against lefties, so I’m not sure if Sheff’s departure gives him that many more ABs.  He’s a masher to watch.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Joey Devine – Now Aching Joey Devine is off to see Dr. Freeze.  Ugh.  This never turns out well.  Casilla is Ziegler’s handcuff for the time being.

Scott Lewis – Gave up 10 runs in less than 4 innings.  As I said last week when he got the starting job, you don’t really want him.

Justin Duchscherer – Surgery went well.  A stitch without a hitch!  (Alliteration in lieu of wit.)  He’ll be back by June.  Wake me when I care.

Emmanuel Burriss – Webster won the 2nd base job!  The cherubby 2B stole 51 SB in a minor league season and SAGNOF is better at MI than OF.

David Murphy – As I said in my fantasy baseball 300, platoon this doode with Byrd.

Alexi Casilla – Why does every starting MI in the AL Central have a Russian first name?  The Tigers need Edgar back to round out the Perestroika.  Casilla’s hitting over .400 in spring training and he stole 50 SBS at A/AA in 2006 then 11 in a short stint with the Twins in 2007.  But he only stole 7 last year in 385 ABs with the Twins.  At MI, it doesn’t really matter if you need steals.

Alexei Ramirez – Fellow comrade was back in the lineup and again in the eight hole.  Diamonds are from Sierra Leone and Ozzie’s from Mars.  I’m not going to stress this yet, but if it continues into the season, Ozzie and I will be having words.

Russell Branyan – Having a nice spring.  When Branyan grows up, he wants to be Jack Cust.

Huston Street – Announced he’ll find out by Thursday if he’s the closer.  I think he gets over that last… *pinkie to mouth* Hurdle.

Ryan Braun – Left the game yesterday with a bruised thumb.  X-rays turned up negative.  I hear that means it’s positive.  Not sure why they can’t just say that.

Dexter Fowler – Made the club.  Keepers and NL-Only’ers rejoice.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) was optioned to The Big Easy.  The opening for Bonifacio appears to widen.

Jeff Keppinger – Big trade came in off the wire yesterday.  Keppinger to the Astros.  Now that’s how to build a team up after losing Ausmus.  We were rooting for Bill Bialystock from Houston’s Double-A affiliate in Corpus Christi to get promoted and platoon with Blum.  Now that’s a platoon that can produce!

Geoff Blum – Seems pretty puzzled that he’s in the running for opening day 3rd baseman, saying “There’s an outside chance. I’m not going to believe it until I see my name in the lineup or they give me the OK…”  Geoff added, “I can’t believe my wife has sex with me.  I don’t believe she’s going to let me until I have it halfway in.”