Fantasy Baseball Advice

Top twenty catchers, 1st basemen and 2nd basemen are in the books as we throw it around the horn.  Today, the top 20 Shortstops for 2010 fantasy baseball get to shine.  Hmm… Actually, most of these won’t shine.  They’re cloudy with a chance of crapballs.  As I said in the beginning of the year, the shortstops are even shallower than the 2nd basemen.  This held true.  A good two weeks in the major leagues and you too can make the top twenty list for shortstops!  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery.  To recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Hanley Ramirez – Hanley doesn’t need to work on his swing in the offseason, he needs to go on Breakthrough with Tony Robbins or maybe a Biggest Loser spin-off show where people aren’t fat, just unmotivated.  Let’s call it, Just Losers.  Or get him a friggin’ motivational poster with a kitten climbing a mountain.  Hanley was one of the few players in their prime that I actually lowered their power number projections and he ended up coming even below those projections.  A shame isn’t it?  Not a shame, a problem, Treach.  Preseason Rank #1, 2010 Projections:  100/25/110/.320/25, Final Numbers:  92/21/76/76/.300/32

2. Troy Tulowitzki – See if this rings a bell for you, “Without a poor April and May, he’d be the top ranked shortstop.  Yeah, he was that good.”  That’s what I said after the 2009 season.  This year he hit 1 homer in April and missed just about the whole month of July.  If it wasn’t for an otherworldly September when he single-handedly won people H2H leagues, we’d be talking about Tulo’s busted season.  Remember, he had only 12 homers going into September.  That is not a good five months.  Preseason Rank #2, 2010 Projections:  95/35/105/.280/12, Final Numbers:  89/27/95/.315/11

3. Jose Reyes – Not quite the bounce back I envisioned when I drafted him on all of my teams and told you to draft him, but it’s hard to fault a guy who is ranked 3rd overall and missed extended periods of time with injuries.  He’s about the only Met I truly love and, at some point, the Mets will realize that Reyes is the key to their offense and that means him running like crazy.  Especially in Metco.  Preseason Rank #4, 2010 Projections:  105/11/55/.285/45, Final Numbers:  83/11/54/.282/30

4. Alexei Ramirez – Pretty pathetic that Alexei is ranked this high considering the year he had.  They’re not middle infielders, they’re middling infielders.  It’s so tough to own someone like Alexei who doesn’t ever really get hot.  He just hits one homer every week and a half or so and steals a base every two weeks.  That almost put me to sleep typing it out.  Or am I asleep?  I need to spin a top.  Preseason Rank #9, 2010 Projections:  70/18/80/.280/15, Final Numbers:  83/18/70/.282/13

5. Derek Jeter – Here’s a theory.  You know how once all the great filmmakers find happiness they start producing crap?  Coppola’s Jack, Woody Allen’s 1990s, Oliver Stone post-Natural Born Killers… Maybe Jeter needed the motivation of not having a serious girlfriend.  Once he committed to Minka he no longer cared how well he played since a long term piece of tail was in place.  Or maybe it’s just age.  Preseason Rank #5, 2010 Projections:  110/16/70/.315/20, Final Numbers:  111/10/67/.270/18

6. Rafael Furcal – I know it seems like I’m a total downer on all of these guys, but Furcal’s numbers are terrible for this ranking.  Look at his Runs.  That’s a top of the order guy?  66?!  F(urcal) my life.  Preseason Rank #10, 2010 Projections:  90/10/55/.275/20, Final Numbers:  66/8/43/.300/22

7. Stephen Drew – He hit 4 homers in the first 4 months.  Yes, to get ranked this high all you needed was one good month.  (His August:  8 homers, 19 RBIs, 25 Runs and a .310 average.) Preseason Rank #10, 2010 Projections:  85/22/75/.265/4, Final Numbers:  83/15/61/.278/10

8. Omar Infante – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

9. Elvis Andrus – I had mad love for Elvis in the preseason and it’s not going to stop going into 2011.  He’s still very young and this season was a good first step.  Now if he can work on his first step on steal attempts, we’ll be all set.  Preseason Rank #8, 2010 Projections: 75/8/50/.270/37, Final Numbers:  88/0/35/.265/32

10. Ian Desmond – Wanna hear something scary?  In my Ian Desmond sleeper post, I had Desmond down for pretty much exactly what he ended doing.  His projections really aren’t far off.  Yet, he was kinda unownable for long stretches of the season.  Preseason Rank #21, 2010 Projections:  85/10/60/.275/20, Final Numbers:  59/10/65/.269/17

11. Mike Aviles – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

12. Marco Scutaro – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

13. Alex Gonzalez – This list pretty sums up why I punt middle infield every year.  You obviously could’ve drafted 12 of these 20 shortstops at any point in a draft.  And, even better, you draft one then rotate from hot middle infielder to hot middle infielder.  Why do I rotate my middle infielders and ‘Set It and Forget It’ with my catchers?  Will have to be an offseason post.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/23/88/.250/1

14. Cliff Pennington – I call this middle infielder, a Puntington.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  64/6/46/.250/29

15. Miguel Tejada – The fact that he came pretty close to matching my projections, combined with the fact I wouldn’t own him anywhere should give you an idea of the state of shortstops and the state of offense, in general.  It’s like Hamsterdam without the drugs.  Preseason Rank #14 for Shortstops, 2010 Projections:  70/15/85/.295/4, Final Numbers:  71/15/71/.269/2

16. Juan Uribe – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

17. Jeff Keppinger – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

18. Starlin Castro – If you remove his first game in the big leagues, he doesn’t make this list.  All you needed was one good game to make the top 20 shortstops!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  53/3/41/.300/10

19. Yuniesky Betancourt – Yes, it’s comical that Betancourt is listed in these rankings.  Wanna stop smiling?  Jimmy Rollins didn’t even make the list.  (Smile again if you didn’t draft Rollins.)  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  60/16/78/.259/2

20. Ryan Theriot – I just hope if you drafted this schmohawk, you heeded the Emergency Broadcasting System’s warning and got out of The Riot in time to save your team.  Preseason Rank #20, 2010 Projections:  85/3/50/.285/22, Final Numbers:  72/2/29/.270/20

Jake Westbrook had everything going against him.  No schools in his area had an athletic program.  His mother was strung out on drugs.  His father was absent from his life.  Then he met Sandra Bullock.  Wait, those aren’t my notes, that’s the back cover of The Blind Side DVD.  Yesterday, Westbrook threw 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Okay, in the broader sense, Westbrook is the dog’s breakfast, but you mix that with one certain pitching coach and, well… For his next trick, Dave Duncan will turn a cucumber into a pickle…mobile!  I don’t think it lasts for Westbrook, but he gets the Pirates next.  It’s September, you shouldn’t need more.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You don’t get them wet, you don’t expose them to light, you don’t feed them after midnight and you never start a hodgepadre away from Petco.

Aaron Cunningham – 1-for-4 as he continues to hit leadoff for the Padres.  He’s also batting .400 over the last week.  I’m not picking him up yet, but I’m watching Mr. C.

Edinson Volquez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After the game, when asked about his playoff rotation, Dusty said, “(Edinson’s) throwing it as well as anybody we have right now.  I’d like to throw him for another 250 innings, but time does not permit unless we can get ourselves into an extra inning game that goes 200 innings.  Are you finished so I can put my toothpick back in my mouth?  I’m wasting artificial mint flavor.”

Jonny Gomes – 2-for-4 and now 4 for his last 8… Okay, like I tell my girlfriend, beware the small sample size.  But it’s the final weeks of the season.  Play the hot hands!

Drew Stubbs – 1-for-4 with his 25th steal.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I have a feeling which way Late Afternoon Grey is leaning.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in three games.  I think this season is Delmon Young’s amuse bouche.  Next year, we’re going to get the meal.

Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a homer and two steals for the slam and double side of legs.  If he could only get his act together in April… If it’s the cold weather, maybe we have him sleep in an incubator for a month.

Angel Pagan – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 34th steal.  I wanna get excited about him for next year, but you know there’s a 60% chance he’s going to get injured and miss three-quarters of the season just because he’s on the Mets.

Hideki Matsui – 2-for-5 and his 20th homer.  Okay, this is my third time this week talking about him.  He’s obviously hot.  Say Hideki, bye other 5th outfielder.

Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  If there were more games yesterday, I wouldn’t even bother mentioning Rodrigo.  In fact–

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He gets the Twins and Royals next and he hasn’t been terrific against either this year, but he has been incredible in September.  I can only walk you to the table, you have to decide if you want to roll the dice.

Michael Brantley – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Stop me if you’ve heard this before.  Too late, I already started.  Brantley’s hit in every game since the beginning of August, except for 4 (stutterer!).

Ted Lilly – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Frank McCourt said Jamie could have him.

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Have I mentioned lately how much I love Filthy Sanchez? 3.21 ERA on the year, 188 Ks in only 176 2/3 IP and a 1.23 WHIP.  He’s the poster boy for why you should just start your pitchers every single time out.

Nyjer Morgan – Will begin serving his 8-game suspension on Friday.  On his time off, he’s going to start filming the Ice Cube-directed comedy “I’m Smoking A J Up In The Middle Of My Name” with Elijah Dukes.

Paul Konerko went 5-for-5 yesterday with his 31st homer.  Paul Konerko is also winning your league for you.  You had your back up against the wall.  You took Hanley in the first round, Halladay in the 2nd and then you hit the 20th round and you were like, “Hmm… I totally screwed myself by not taking a 1st baseman.  Do I take that guy on the Marlins with a girl’s name or should I take Konerko?”  When you took Konerko, you figured you would need to trade for someone.  Whoa, what’s this?  Konerko’s hitting?  “Hey, baby, you’re eating dinner by yourself tonight.  Paul Konerko due up sixth this inning, according to Fantasycast.  Now please don’t come into my man cave.”  When you go to the White Sox Fantasy Camp in seven years, you can tell him how he won your league for you while ruining your marriage.  These late round fliers in drafts are always so maddening.  If I would’ve just took Konerko instead of Stupid-Face Headley.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His season ERA is down to 3.87 and 12 wins is pretty good, but that’s now 8 Ks in 28 IP for August.  Is there a less aptly-surnamed player in the game?  Seems like Mark Crafty or Mark Wiley would be better names.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-5 with his 14th homer.  Has hit in all but 2 of his last 25 games.  Was a bit wonky last year, but this year’s been a solid bounce back, outside of April, of course.

Pedro Feliz – Traded to the Cards for Carpenter.  Holy effin– It’s David Carpenter, Grey. Ah, thanks, random italicized voice, how can I ever repay you?  Pay it forward. Now Feliz and La Russa can start an afterhours club, The Happy Drunk.  Women and squirrels get in for free.  I wouldn’t pick up Feliz with your team.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-5 with his 30th steal as he returned from the DL.  He should be owned in every league or, I should say, I wish I were in a league where he was available.   I also wish I had a Ferrari with a graham cracker steering wheel that I could nibble on at red lights, so we obviously can’t get everything we want.

Brian Matusz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has had 3 solid starts in his last four, but the non-solid (loose? runny?) start was a mess.  I’d tread carefully.

Alex Sanabia – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His Ks to walks aren’t bad, but he gave up 7 earned in 2 innings vs. the Giants in his last game.  I’d let someone else take on the risk.

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating all year.  You think you’re drafting a late round sleeper with upside and you get Lyle Overbay.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4 and hitting .500 over the last week.  Who knew?  I did, and now you should too.

Michael Brantley – Twisted his ankle and left the game, but x-rays were negative.  He’s day-to-day.  C’mon, man, the Indians’ pennant hopes are riding on you!

Ronny Cedeno – Out for a week with shoulder discomfort, but doesn’t expect to go to the DL.  He’s still contemplating going to New Hampshire disguised as Johnny Cakes.

Jerry Blevins – The Beav picked up his first career save.  Don’t get excited, Wuertz needed a day off and Bailey is on the way back.  Maybe it’s because his first name is Jerry, but I read his name and hear Jerry Lewis’s voice (Hey there nice lady…Blevins!)

Carlos Zambrano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Big Z’s recent string of starts look good on the surface, but he’s walked 12 guys to 9 Ks.  Belch.

Vicente Padilla – To the DL with a bulging disk in his neck.  He has an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Frankenstein.

Ted Lilly – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Let’s see….Lilly was bad in the NL Central this year and amazing for the Dodgers.  Randy Wolf was amazing last year for the Dodgers and has been awful in the NL Central.  I think we know where Aaron Harang will be pitching next year.

Dustin Pedroia – Missed yesterday’s game with a sore foot because he keeps chewing through his cone.

Travis Wood – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Another great start for the Reds rookie.  The Reds front office figured out the secret to keeping Dusty from killing all the young arms – develop so many of them that he isn’t able to focus on one.  Like Ronnie in a flock of South Beach grenades.

Ramon Hernandez – 2-for-5 with a homer.  His playing time has been all over the map, but he’s hitting .333 in the last week and near that for the month.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I have much love for the 112 Ks in 106 2/3 IP.  I wanna like Bud Norris so much, and I can see really liking him going into 2011, but his 1.43 WHIP is a little scary.  Would definitely give him a whirl in H2H leagues under the right circumstances.

Brandon Lyon – If there was any doubt, Lyon got the save yesterday.  He’s your closer, kids (and non-kids).

J.J. Putz – Out with inflammation in his knee.  Putz… Inflammation… Shiver.  Saves will go to Jenks, who pitched for the first time in a week yesterday, or Thornton, probably in that order, but there’s no guarantees with Ozzie.

Josh Beckett – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There’s not enough time left to be waiting for Beckett.  I’d lose him in most redraft leagues and just play matchups with that spot.

Will Rhymes – 2-for-4, should see fairly regular time and has lots of speed.  Not worth a look outside of AL-Only leagues, but there ya go, ho.  Whoa!  Rhymes.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 with his third homer in the last week.  Now has 9 homers on the year, or 4 1/2 homers per moob.  Not a great Moob to Home Run ratio (M:HR).

Austin Kearns – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs.  I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that’s a lie.  He won’t be.  He’s here.  Now.  Batting over .400 in the last week and is in a great place for RBIs.  I could see him being benched if A-Rod needs time at DH, but if you have room to juggle some bench bats, I’d grab Kearns.

Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 15th win.  If I had a tenderoni that had anywhere near that many wins, I think I’d love him for the rest of my life.

Lance Berkman – If you don’t have DL room, you don’t hold Berkman.  The days of shooting up are gone and 34-years-old is old. <– sounds like Belle & Sebastian lyrics.

Logan Morrison played at the same community college as Albert Pujols.  That’s two more MLB players than Middlesex County College or MC-squared as we called it.  Let’s look at what Stephen wrote about Morrison, “Blessed with a balanced, flat swing with plus-power, and the organization’s best plate-discipline…  The only thing more exciting than Morrison is pasting copies of Grey’s photo to a dartboard and piercing his eyeballs.”  Hmm… Hadn’t read that last part before.  A rookie with good plate discipline and power is really all you need to know when considering a guy for keepers.  Own and own now.  So is it time to get on board the LogaMotive in redraft leagues?  As a disgruntled horse would say, “What the hey?”  When met with choosing between upside and a random schmohawk outfielder behind door number three, you go with upside.  Just don’t crazy and drop anyone too valuable.  I imagine Morrison will lose some playing time to Bonifacio and might struggle in the beginning.  Conservatively, I’ve give him 8 homers and a decent average.  The upside is obviously there and if he hits out of the gate, his name value will provide more than his actual worth on the trade market.  A lot depends on if the Marlins take it fast or slow with LogaMo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bay – Out with a mild concussion.  This would explain a lot if it happened in March and was just discovered.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t the prettiest start, but I’ve seen worse.  *cough* Wainwright *cough*  Still, Niese has only one bad start in his last 10.  Really no reason you shouldn’t own him.

Huston Street – Was hit by a line drive then fainted two or three times from the pain.  Obviously I don’t wish ill on anyone, except for maybe Jason Bay.  But how do you faint two or three times?  You put the back of your hand to your forehead and you faint.  Then you’re revived.  That’s it.  Let’s act it out.  “The pain is terrible.  I can’t take it, Jeeves.  I just can’t.”  You faint.  Jeeves pats your forehead with a cold rag while your suitor waves his top hat to give you air.  You waken.  “Are you all right?  You fainted.”  “Yes, Jeeves.  Thank you.  Perhaps you could fetch me a glass of bubbly water.”  See!  One faint!  Well, I grabbed Corpas wherever I had room.  If anyone can take a day-to-day and turn it into a 60-day DL stint, it’s Street.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Yes, I’d prefer him over Volquez at this point.

Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup.  Hope his return this soon isn’t *pinkie to mouth* wristki.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Get ‘em while the gettin’s good.  I before e, pick him up if you need outfield help.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Pitched brilliantly vs the Cubs.  Brett Myers’ wife was just glad he didn’t win a slugfest because sometimes Brett brings work home with him.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4.  I picked him up for Monday’s short schedule day, but I held onto him a little longer and dropped someone else.  Why?  Cause Johnson’s crazy hot right now.

Hong-Chih Kuo – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  His ERA is 0.79, his WHIP is 0.76 and lefties are 0-for-the-season off him.  How’s your Holds guy doing?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 2 runs in any game since June 2nd.  Yup.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He has 5 steals on the year and a .288 average.  Take this how you want, but his stats are exactly what they should be.

Kerry Wood – Will close again when activated.  The Indians should’ve added, “And we can’t wait for him to return, because we love love love having him as our closer.  But we’d be willing to listen to offers if someone really wanted to trade for him.”

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Josh Tomlin, who likes to talk about himself in the third person, said, “Josh Tomlin fears no man, woman or whatever A-Rod is.”  Tomlin, 25, had a solid record in Triple-A this year –  2.68 ERA, 80:33 K:BB in 107 1/3 innings.  Could be a decent AL-Only pickup since hitters won’t be familiar with him.  You’re crazy if you grab him in mixed leagues.  Cray.  Zee.

Stephen Strasburg – Was scratched from his start when he couldn’t get loose.  He has inflammation in his right shoulder.  Wouldn’t be surprised if the Nats are very cautious and rest him for a week or so.  When the crowd saw it was Batista and not Strasburg starting, it was almost a modern day, Disco Demolition Night.  Like showing up at the theater and hearing, “Due to an illness to Kevin Spacey, his understudy will be performing tonight — the dad from The Hogan Family.”

Scott Olsen – Will return from the DL this Thursday.  He’s worth a grab, if you’re hurting for a 5th fantasy starter, but I wouldn’t start him in his first game back.

Edinson Volquez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, that wasn’t much better than his last start.  Tommy John recipients tend to have command issues when they return and Volquez already had problems throwing a rock into the ocean without the assist from gravity.  I’d start looking elsewhere.

Scott Rolen – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs in his 2nd game back.  Or as I like to call it “two less days until his next injury.”  If you’re hurting at your corner infidel spot, I could see grabbing him while he’s ‘healthy.’

Jose Lopez – Tight hamstring forced him from the game.  He’s day-to-day, or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

B.J. Upton – Twisted ankle and left the game.  He’s day-to-day, which isn’t nearly as exciting as one day until Desmond Jennings’ day.

Justin Upton – Left with hip tightness.  The Uptons should have never vacationed to Hawaii and stole that tiki idol from Vincent Price.

Shane Victorino – Is it me or did the entire league get hurt yesterday?  His oblique injury looked like it could mean a DL stint.  He could barely throw the ball back in.  Victorino said he’s hoping to avoid the DL.  Oh, who cares what Victorino’s saying?  Here comes Domonic Brown!  Maybe.  But pick him up just in case.

Dan Haren – Hey, some good injury news!  Haren says he’ll be able to make his next start.

John Lackey – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. his former club, the Angels, as the Rally Monkey tipped his cap one last time.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’ve quietly owned Hardy in one league for a week or two.  He’s hit in 8 of his last ten games and is capable of hitting 10 homers in the last two months.  It’s not much until you consider it’s at MI.

Danny Valencia – 4-for-4 on Monday, 4-for-5 yesterday…  14 for his last 19.  Yeah, I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  I think he flames out as quick as he’s heated up, but who knows?  Maybe he’ll Chris Shelton it for three weeks.  Oh, and if you’re wondering who I dropped.  Dexter Fowler, you’re dead to me until you start hitting again.  Get well soon!

Mike Gonzalez – 1 2/3, 0 ER.  Meanwhile, Alfredo got creamed.  You do the math!

Jose Bautista – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers to bring his total to 30.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but I don’t think even Jose Bautista saw this year coming.  This is the craziest HR season since Brady Anderson suddenly hit 50 HRs.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in 350 extra ABs.  It’s okay, it’ll make next year’s overrated post that much sweeter to write.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  On the season, he has 114 Ks to 7 walks.  There’s gonna be some upset people on the internet when he loses the Cy Young because he doesn’t have enough wins.

Michael Wuertz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the first two run outing in over a month.  I haven’t had a year like this in a while.  I literally pick up a middle reliever to vulture saves and he invariably gives up runs.  It’s the Wuertz!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Best looking start for Hanson in over a month.  Could be headed for a solid finish on a pretty lukewarm season.

Chris Coghlan – He tore his meniscus while throwing a pie in Wes Helms face.  This is the worst pie-related injury since Stan Gable’s heart was broken when he saw his Betty topless at the bottom of a Nerd-sold creme pie.  But pie-related injuries go back centuries.  The first known pie-related injury was when Euclid hurt his pelvis during a visual explanation of circumference.  Chris Coghlan’s offseason workout program will be him serving tables at Marie Callender’s.

Mike Pelfrey went from totally chic to totally geek in the matter of 4 starts.  Last night, he dropped a 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER bomb and now he’s staring at nickels.  Pardon the wavy lines as we jump in The Way Back Machine and see what I said in April, “His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  Nothing’s really changed other than he’s no longer leaving men on base, his homers have gone up (literally) and his lack of Ks are catching up to him.  Hmm… Maybe some stuff has changed.  He had a 1.98 ERA at Metco prior to last night, so that’s still a nice matchup start, but Pelfrey is no longer a must own.  At 109 IP on the year and only 67 Ks, he’s a notch below Jon Garland in K-rate.  I just popped a zit in the mirror and spelled out, “You can probably do better than Pelfrey.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday.  I really want to believe this, but the Met doctors are a joke.  Did they go to that med school Steve Guttenberg went in Bad Medicine?

Shin-Soo Choo – Thumb-Soo Blue now might need surgery and could be out for the season.  Is this all a ploy for him to avoid his army service time?  We must have a commenter in Canada who could take him in.  Volunteers?

Mike Gonzalez – Won’t return until after the All-Star break.  As previously mentioned, Alfredo will continue to get saves now and when Mike G. first returns.  From there, I imagine names will go into Juan Samuel’s hat and he’ll pull one out.  Hey, New ERA’s now the closer! Um, that’s the tag.

Jake Fox – 3-for-5 and now has 2 homers in his last two starts.  Not starting every day, but I’d grab him now in AL-Only leagues and watch closely how his playing time shakes out for mixed leagues.  Hey, New ERA’s now starting at 1st base! Still the tag, Juan.

Chase Utley – Saying he won’t need the full 8 weeks of recovery time.  I believe Utley can return early.  Still, a hand issue that won’t have him on the field until late-August isn’t something you should go out of your way to acquire.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Braves.  It’s one thing to face Halladay, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it must’ve been for the Braves with Russia still occupying Georgia.

Cliff Lee – Supposedly, the Phillies were scouting The Adverb.  I wonder if the scout went to Vegas, got himself a hooker and some blow while pretending to scout Cliff Lee because HE WAS JUST ON THEIR TEAM!  Whoa, Cap’n Caps, easy.  SORRY.

Russell Branyan – Now has three homers since joining the Mariners.  Had 31 homers last year and has 13 now.  You do the math!

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 2 ER, Kazaam!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Man, that WHIP is messy.  What a slob!  No wonder he goes by Filthy Sanchez.  According to me.  But we’ll pretend he goes by that on every site on the interwebs.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 and batting .269.  Maybe he’s uncomfortable carrying around those extra 75 pounds.  Let’s get him and the Sandovals on Losing It With Jillian.  I’d love to see Sandoval’s family all try to lose weight together.  “Mama, did you put extra mayonnaise on my lard sandwich?”  Mama Sandoval looks guilty then, “No.”

Buster Posey - 2-for-4 with his third homer.  All he does is hit homers (once a week).

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve seen better starts, but let’s be clear about something.  Gorzelanny isn’t an ace.  He’s a number five fantasy starter.  He still has a 3.31 ERA on the year and is worth starting in favorable matchups.

Ian Kennedy – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member when I said to lose him in last week’s Buy/Sell?  Yup.

Adam LaRoche – Hit his 13th homer yesterday in the Diamondbacks’ 83rd game.  LaRoche meet 2nd half of the 162 game schedule, 2nd half say wassup to LaRoche.

Krispie Young – 2-for-3, 2 steals while hitting leadoff.  Now has 15 homers and 16 steals on the year.  Yeah, Krispie’s been better than your other outfielders.  Yup, even that one.

Kosuke Fukudome – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer.  Keep in mind his playing time is very iffy right now but he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.  This game might’ve be the start of something.  Either way, the choice is yours.  Doo, da, dippity.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and 2 RBIs.  Somehow the Cubs pulled out the win with Koyie Hill on the bench.

Alexei Ramirez – Now has two homers in two games while hitting over .400 in the last week.  Definitely worth owning though I’m not sure where his steals have been this year.  Did they have visa issues?

Carlos Quentin – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Frequent commenter, Steve, summed up the thoughts of current Quentin owners yesterday when he said, “Oh, Quentin, I am so glad I drafted you/dropped you/picked you up/dropped you again/picked you back up.”

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than 2 runs in a start in over a month.  Yeah, you should own him.

Bobby Jenks – Pitched in the 8th inning of 7-1 game.  I know what you’re thinking, “What’s Ozzie thinking?”  Good question.  Ozzie supposedly wants Jenks to get some action before being the closer again because he was away on bereavement leave.  And Ozzie wants to confuse fantasy owners.  That too.  I’d grab Thornton if he’s available.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit his first major league homer.  Worth monitoring in AL-Only leagues (as if you don’t have enough to do!), but his playing time has been sporadic.

Mark Teixeira – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  PABST (Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) getting a jump on the All-Star break so I guess this was a premature jacking.

Jayson Nix – 2 homers in yesterday’s game.  Jaymes Nix got drunk and called Laynce to ask him how come he can’t be more like Jayson.

Matt Garza – 3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Of course I sat Garza when he pitched well last week in Fenway and started him yesterday for this crizzap at home.  Of course, I did!  When I yell obscenities at telemarketers, I call them Garza.

Eric Patterson – 2 homers and now has 6 homers on the year.  Not quite as bonkers as it sounds… Okay, it’s a little bonkers, but he hit 14 homers in Triple-A one year and 12 homers in Triple-A last year.  For those desperate for anything at MI, you could probably do worse.

Matt LaPorta – LaPo hit another homer yesterday then was removed with a head bruise from his collision with Andrus.  After the bump on the head, LaPorta thought he was Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.

Joey Votto – Hit 2 homers.  Yeah, but Omar Infante can play 4 positions.

Erik Bedard – Was due to pitch on Tuesday, but he’s dealing with a stiff shoulder.  We’re actually lucky this happened.  If Bedard came back while Ben Sheets was healthy, that would’ve caused a major shift in the Time VORP Continuum.