Fantasy Baseball Advice

Don Mattingly said that Kenley Jansen is now his closer.  His exact words were, “There was a time and a place to put a closer in the setup role and an inferior pitcher in the closer role and that time has past.  I will know try to figure out why I ever shaved my mustache.  Things were much easier when Joe Torre was in the dugout managing the team and not on speed dial.  ‘Ooh, I’m Joe Torre, I take twenty minutes to return a text.’  C’mon, man, I can only ask for a replay review so many times!  I wonder if I can get Paul Sorvino to be my bench coach.  Or Joe Mantegna, he also kinda looks like Torre.”  Jansen will be a $12 Salad in all leagues by July, if not sooner.  Yes, he should be owned in all leagues, if he isn’t already.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jhoulys Chacin – Went to the Disgraceful List when he refused his assignment to Triple-A.  If you are gonna suck in your first 5 MLB starts of the year, Jhoulys you can do is report to AAA.

Christian Friedrich – Once top prospect fell off of radars due to injuries and velocity issues.  This year, he’s looked solid in Triple-A with 27 Ks and 4 walks.  It’s like this Christian is born again!  I wouldn’t go near him with a 120 inch pole yet in mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues I’d grab him for his start vs. the Padres.  Yeah, those Padres.  Wait, those were the same Padres that hit Pomenranz so hard PETA was called in.

Alex White – It’s all Rockies pitchers all the time.  White is also making Triple-A hitters seem like a bunch of minors (21/8 K/BB).  In mixed leagues, I wouldn’t carry White, said in a sultry voice.  For now, he’s an NL-Only flyer.  (He also gets the Padres.  Yup, still those Padres.)

Jayson Werth – As originally announced here after I read it elsewhere, Werth will miss 12 weeks with wrist surgery after breaking it Sunday night.  He must be pist.  If I didn’t have the DL room, I’d drop Werth.  Wrists are kinda important for hitters and there’s a chance, even if he returns this year, he might not be right until next year.

Tyler Moore – Was called up by the Nats and showed a ton of power in the minors, but for now he’s a bench bat on the Nats.  So in deep NL-Only leagues, he’s just a temp fill-in, i.e., I wouldn’t marry Tyler Moore.

Kevin Youkilis – On his rehab, he started a walking program.  I don’t get it; taking walks was about the only thing he could still do.

Will Middlebrooks – 3-for-5 with 2 homers as the Red Sox contemplate telling Youuuuk to take a long walk.  Middlebrooks will cool down at some point, but who cares?  Pick him up.  Now.

Josh Willingham – Didn’t start yesterday due to a skin condition near his mouth.  Sounds like The Other White Meat’s throbbing lardons are getting him in trouble.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Incredible that Liriano is still starting for the Twins, then again there’s players in their starting lineup that probably aren’t on any other team’s roster:  Jamey Carroll, Danny Valencia, Brian Dozier, Eric Komastu, Trevor Plouffe and Chris Parmelee.  Just because they play in Target Field doesn’t mean they have to only shop in bargain bins.

Giancarlo Stanton – Hit his 6th homer in the last ten games.  Rawr, rawr like a Stanton dragon!

Carlos Zambrano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  As noted in the preseason, “Ozzie will either bond with Zambrano and have him produce his best year since the mid-naughts or their personalities together will become so combustible that Little Havana will break from the union and form the 51st state with Ozzie becoming Supreme Leader of Little Havana and having Zambrano executed.”  And that’s me noting me!  It looks like the former is coming true.  I’d absolutely grab Big Z in the non-sexual way.  Could be a solid 4th to 5th fantasy starter in mixed leagues.  Crayola Canyon definitely won’t hurt.

Brandon Snyder – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 6 RBIs with his 2nd homer.  Now has two homers in his last three starts.  Only problem is it took nearly a week to get 3 starts.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-4, 3 runs.  Could the season long drought finally be coming to an end?  C’mon, Cruz, make it rain, man.

Aubrey Huff – Returned from the DL for anxiety related reasons.  Guess that means he’s back from lunch.

Cole Hamels – Guaranteed himself a suspension by admitting he threw at Bryce Harper.  When asked by teammates and management why he couldn’t show more restraint on what he says to the press, Cole replied, “I did show restraint.  I didn’t mention how my ‘old school pitching’ is modeled after the Romans and I threw at Harper because his eye black reminded me of that Christ-wannabe, Tim Tebow.”

Philip Humber – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Reminds me of the time I went through a perfect fartless vacation weekend with a girlfriend and then woke up the next morning back at my apartment and nearly Dutch Oven’d myself to death.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Sure, it doesn’t hurt to return to a matchup against the M’s, but I’d still give Fister a fighting chance on a mixed league team.

Ernesto Frieri – Scioscia announced that Frieri or Walden will get saves while Downs is, uh, down.  Welcome, Frieri, to saver town.  Hopefully, Frieri will enter each game in a red 1967 convertible Chevy Camaro, and when he leans in to get the signal from the catcher, he does The Hunch.

Mike Trout – Sat out yesterday for Bourjos.  They need Morales to hurt himself (while hurting Vernon Wells).  The Sciosciapath doesn’t have cojones to start Pujols at 3rd base.  Somewhere, La Russa’s reading that and his feathered hair is feeling a little bouncier.

Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Jordany Valdespin – Hit the game winning homer.  He has great speed and some decent power (15 homers, 33 steals last year in Double-A), but I’m not sure the Mets will play him (they should, but not sure they will).  Plus, his name sounds like it’s from a Harry Potter Character Name Generator.

Cody Ransom – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he bats .351.  Yes, he should be playing every day.  No, he’s not.  Yes, he’s old so this sudden burst won’t continue.  No, it doesn’t matter.

Guillermo Mota – 100 games for a second positive PED test.  PEDS are just his M.O. (Mota Operandi).

Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Well, Johnny Vander Meer’s family can stop following him around now.

Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.40.  Okay, but now I’m officially concerned about an upcoming correction.  4 walks in 5 innings is not good and 1.40 ERA won’t stay that low.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I told you to grab him yesterday.  What’s changed?  The day.

Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You know that guy that you invited last second to join your league who you really don’t like and is currently in first?  He’s going to pick up Samardzija if you don’t.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-3 as LaHair moussed his 8th homer.

Ian Stewart – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  Does he have a section of Wrigley that dresses up like Cubs with Stewart jerseys called Stewart’s Root Bears?

Adrian Cardenas – The Cubs called up the ex A’s prospect to be the UTIL after Blake DeWitt was DFA’d (unfortunately his mom Joyce never hooked up with Theo’s dad, Juan, at the 70′s Battle of the Network Stars).  He’s played 2nd in the minors and delivers high average, average speed, and a below average glove.  Given that the Cubs have a dinosaur playing second, he could see some ABs if he’s hitting.  Stash for NL-only.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer (and third in the last ten games).  He also has a hit in nine of his last ten games while batting .357.  There, folks, is your hot schmotato.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4.  Actually, more impressed with a three hit night from Hardy than I would be with a 1-for-4 with a homer night.  As my ex-girlfriends will tell you, I’m a small ball kinda guy.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  A hodgepadre that was pitchslapped by Pomeranz.  (I can only imagine if this is someone’s first time reading the site.  Did he say ‘A hodgepadre that was pitchslapped?’  Where am I and how do I get back to ESPN?)

Dale Thayer – Thayer throwing pills for the save yesterday — what a relief!   Since Cashner threw 39 pitches the day before, he wasn’t available.  I’d hold Cashner, but this also proves that Gregerson is nowhere near getting saves.

Zack Cozart – 1-for-5 with his 3rd homer, but only his 7th RBI.  Could the pitcher’s spot get on base once in a while?  Geez…

Alex Gonzalez – Tore his ACL, which comes just days after Gamel also tore his ACL.  The last time a Milwaukee duo tore up joints like that, it was Laverne & Shirley after Lenny & Squiggy slipped some Spanish Fly in their Schlitzes.

Though I do believe there should be a one Mariner maximum when it comes to fantasy baseball bloggers and I’ve already filled that need with my Olivo post, it’s hard to ignore what Kyle Seager has done over the last couple of weeks.  Blame Mike Carp for using fugu as a shoulder wrap for this article if you’re angry.  The ESPN crowd is slowly coming around to him at a 5.5% ownership clip but for the most part they just haven’t found the need for a Mariners hitter on their roster that isn’t posing for a last supper painting.  Yahoo owners do have him already with an 18% clip, but that’s mainly for his shortstop eligibility where as long as you have a pulse and you’re not Alex Gonzalez, you’re probably on someone’s team.  Actually, if there were a zombie Phil Rizzuto (Spelled ‘Rirruto’ in cursive for Billy Madison fans), they’d probably pick him up too.  In Fleaflicker leagues, he’s at 9% owned.  All that said, let’s take a look at why I’m eager for Seager in AL-only and deeper leagues.

First off, he’s hitting…I don’t think that needs much more of an introduction.  Production is production, folks, and you take it where you can get it.  Over 40 at-bats, Seager has hit .300 with 1 slam and 1 leg (slam and leg sold separately).  What that equates to if you dig math is about a 10/10 clip given 450 at-bats.  Though the average won’t stick and will probably slip down to the .260 or .270 area, that line is in line (say that 5 times fast) with what is reasonable to expect.  The only issue we may have with Seager is the bane of every Mariner’s fan: Chone Figgins.  The giant albatross around the M’s neck (Get it?  Mariners?  Albatross?  Samuel Taylor Coleridge?  Oh sure you got Rirruto but not that one.  I weep for the youth of this once great nation) since he signed a hurkin – technical term for ‘large’ – contract in 2010.  If and when Carp and/or Franklin Gutierrez come back, Seattle is going to have a tough call on their hands.  Do they keep allowing Chone to get Figgy with it in the hopes of a contender trading for him or do they do the right thing and let Seager stick at 3rd?  Well, we all know how large contracts go; most likely Seager goes back to a utility role once the dust has settled.  However, when you have a chance to ride a luckdragon you don’t turn it down, do you Bastian?  There’s still a chance he gets to stay around and be productive.  Since he has played SS in the past, there could be room for him to spell Brendan Ryan or possibly take over if he keeps raking.  The Mariners need to string together more singles to score runs than match.com has to offer so it is a plausible reality we see Seager quite a bit even after Figgins gets his 3rd base gig back.  With any luck, Falkor comes by and saves us from these swamps of sadness and Figgins is playing for *insert contending team here* soon.  Yeah, I really liked the Neverending Story.

This is the league we won last year hosted by Scott White of CBS Sports.  Yay, us.  Okay, new year, new league.  Well, not so fast.  Last year’s league coasted through the season in first place from about May on and if you were industrious enough to click on that link, you’ll see it looks like a bit of a mess.  We won with Freddy Sanchez and Skip Schumaker?  We didn’t just win; we won in a walk.  I don’t tell you to beat into your heads how good we are (maybe a little).  I tell you this so you know how deep the league is you’re about to look at.  No, I don’t like Clint Barmes, but if he’s getting ABs at MI in this here league, he’s worth a roster spot.  Anyway, here’s our 2012 fantasy baseball team with thoughts on different draft picks:

For sake of clarity:  12 teams, NL-Only, Roto, 5 x 5 — C, C, 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, CI, MI, OF, OF, OF, OF, OF, Util, BN, BN, BN — P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, BN, BN, BN, BN, DL, DL

C – Ryan Hanigan $4
C – Geovany Soto $11
1B – Gaby Sanchez $17
2B – Aaron Hill $13
3B – Pablo Sandoval $24
SS – Alex Gonzalez $3
MI – Clint Barmes $6
CI – Ryan Zimmerman $26
OF – Jay Bruce $27
OF – Tony Campana $5
OF – Jason Kubel $10
OF – Laynce Nix $0 (free round)
OF – Justin Upton $36
U – Gerardo Parra $1
Bench – Stephen Lombardozzi $0 (free round)
Bench – Chase d’Arnaud $0 (free round)
Bench – Tony Gwynn $0 (free round)
Bench – Brett Jackson $4

P – Trevor Cahill $10
P – Daniel Hudson $19
P – Anibal Sanchez $14
P – Ricky Nolasco $4
P – Juan Nicasio $4
P – Chris Narveson  $1
P – Aaron Harang $2
P – Javy Guerra $11
P – Luke Gregerson $8
Bench – Brad Lidge $0 (free round)
Bench – Brandon Lyon $0 (free round)
Bench – Travis Wood $0 (free round)

THAT’S NOT SAGNOF… THIS IS SAGNOF!

Saves and steals were going for really high prices.  Marmol, who I like, went for $18 (a price I don’t like him at), Axford went for $18, Madson at $19… The list goes on; I won’t bore you (further).  So we overpaid for Gregerson praying he would sneak some saves and we have Guerra.  Um, blech.  We’ll need to acquire some saves off waivers or in a trade, which is totally doable, so there’s that.  For those with an advanced degree from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, Kenley Jansen went for $8, but it was early in the draft and we didn’t know we’d be hamstrung without saves.  Yes, in hindsight, the right move would’ve been to get Jansen, but then we would’ve been paying $19 for all of the Dodgers saves, which is kinda absurd.  As for the other half of SAGNOF, our team felt pretty lead-footed so we grabbed Campana to kill those cockroaches.  With only the crap-oika of Byrd, Soriano and DeJesus ahead of him, ABs should be had.  At $5, if he gets 25 steals, he’s a bargain.  To back up that gamble, we invested in Brett Jackson.  When he is called up, we’ll be a strong bargaining chip or we just insert him in our lineup over, say, Laynce Nix.

RICKY NOLASCO IS A FRIEND OF RAZZBALL? OH, HELLS NO

As kinda alluded to in the lede, in a league this deep, you’re not going to have a team where you like all the guys.  Maybe I’ll grow to like Nolasco, but at $4 we just need him to have 150 Ks and an ERA south of 4.50.  I kinda hate his guts though, so I hope that hatred doesn’t manifest itself into self-fulfilling prophecy where he gives us a 7.50 ERA.  Aaron Harang isn’t really a friend of Razzball either, but you know what makes up for all of this?  Sweet, sweet Anibal!  (Please let his shoulder be okay.  Thank you, whoever I’m addressing right now.)

“YOU ALWAYS TELL US NOT TO TAKE BENCH BATS.  WHAT GIVES YOU, GOOFTARD?!”

It’s a deep, weekly league and we need some flexibility when the best bat on waivers is Henry Blanco.  For most of you, you don’t need four bench bats, three of which are in the minors.  In very deep leagues, you should take some bench bats.  A 12 team, mixed league isn’t a very deep league.  How do you know when you’re in a deep league?  When you’re looking at starting Rico Suave in your Utility spot.

IN OCTOBER, I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT FOR SEX WITH JAY BRUCE

I hope.  Or I’m gonna wanna kill him, because as mentioned in the podcast and multiple times on the site, people are lower than I am on Bruce this year and I’m getting him everywhere.  I mean, like, everywhere everywhere.  I may end up with him on an AL-Only team.  Why are people down on Bruce?  I’m confounded in my perplexatude!  (Perplexatude isn’t yet a word, but I’m gonna start a grassroots campaign to try to change that.)  Bruce just came off a great year and he’s still young.  What, you people need me to shine a flashlight on him like how Ron Roenicke gets Nyjer Morgan’s attention?

As reported ad nauseum yesterday, Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels yesterday.  Or the Albertaheim Pujalos, as they should now be called.  Something that wasn’t reported, with Pujols going from a Cardinal to an Angel, Dan Brown now has a new book idea.  After every home run, Pujols seemed to be pointing at God, but he was obviously pointing at the Angels.  And since it is the Christmas season, let us not forget:  When a Pujols gets a contract, an Angel gets his rings.  Someone reported how Pujols stands to make $68,493 per day.  I have an idea:  Occupy Pujols!  They’ll like that one in West Hollywood.  Okay, enough of the jibber-jabbering.

Pujols’s value doesn’t change with the new league, park or team.  He’ll get around 35 homers, 100+ runs and RBIs and .300.  In 2020, when players are using jet packs and astronaut ice cream is finally sold at stadiums, then Pujols might not be the same player, but we’ll cross that hovercraft when we come to it.  The bigger issue with Pujols, is where is everyone else playing?

The Angels have enough non-abled bodies to make a kick-ass Rock N Jock softball team.  They should sign Meatloaf!  First up, Kendrys Morales and his non-bionic leg.  Since Kendrys has been pulling a Kotchman for the last two years, there’s a chance he doesn’t even make it out of the gate, but I think we have to assume he does play in April and slots in as the DH.  Maybe Pujols gives the DH slot a little how’s your father every couple of weeks, but he’s playing the field.  Next up, Mark Trumbo and his promising future is either being moved to third base or platooning with Kendrys.  For fantasy, a move to third would be great, terrific, synonym.  But this is the Sciosciapath managing.  Ugh, I already see it getting ugly from a fantasy perspective.  I could see Scioscia playing Maicer Izturis at 3rd before Trumbo.  This is not good.  If Trumbo loses 150 at-bats without gaining 3rd base eligibility, his value goes out the metaphorical window. Then you have an even worse shituation in the outfield.  Bourjos has to play center.  Glove is too valuable.  Angels have already committed to him.  Turning back now on him would be a huge mistake/surprise/Mad Libs in something.  Plus, Bourjos is just the kind of player Scioscia loves.  So there’s two spots left for Vernon Wells, Bobby Abreu and Torii Hunter.  That’s awesome if you’re putting together a 2004 All-Star Game team.  BUT WHAT ABOUT MIKE TROUT?!  I know, Al Caps.  I hate teams and their casual lack of regard for rookies.  I’m afraid to report to you, Mike Trout’s not seeing time until 2013.  My Mike Trout 2012 fantasy is missing one caveat — what happens if they sign Albert Effin’ Pujols?  My guess is their outfield is gonna be Hunter, Bourjos and Wells with Abreu platooning in the outfield and at DH.

To recap for fantasy, Pujols is fine, Bourjos is fine, Trumbo is fine if he can play 3rd which seems unlikely, Kendrys is fine if he’s healthy, Abreu is not fine, Mike Trout is not fine.  Ideally, the lineup will look like this:  1. CF Bourjos 2. 2B Kendrick 3. 1B Pujols 4. RF Hunter 5. 3B Trumbo 6. DH Morales 7. LF Wells 8. C Iannetta 9. SS Aybar.  That’s what you’re hoping for if you have Trumbo in a keeper, at least.  Anyway, here’s some more Winter Meeting moves and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – More fall out from Pujols’s signing has Berkman moving to first base.  Might keep his legs a little fresher, but the loss of Pujols from the lineup sorta leaves a foul odor on the whole team no matter how fresh someone’s legs are.  Mike Matheny’s mother, “You’re gonna manage a World Series team?!  That’s so amazing!  Wait until I tell your Uncle Morty!”  Uncle Morty Matheny, “Pujols is gone!  He lost his whole team, Marilyn!”  That’s the Matheny’s over the holidays.  Allen Craig stands a shot of inheriting a starting job, but he has to get healthy first.  Right now, he’s out 4-6 months from knee surgery.  That leaves…um…uh…Skip Schumaker?  Okay, team’s a slight mess, but everyone loves an underdog, except Dr. Simon Bar Sinister.

Alex Gonzalez – Signed on with the Brewers.  But how about Pujols signing with the Angels?!  All right, enough of that.  You know who has a sad emoticon for the Alex Gonzalez signing?  Yuniesky Betancourt.  “But I could’ve done the same as Gonzalez with two less homers!”  That’s Yuniesky as he watches the Brewers throw his bags out on the curb.  Gonzalez is not someone you intend to ever have on your fantasy team, except once a year when he’s hot and hits a few homers in a week.

Ian Stewart – Mini Mini Donkey rises from the ashes!  Brays to Theo Epstein!  Maybe a change a scenery can fix what ails Stewart, though is there any record of a change of scenery ever fixing anything?  Isn’t that the oldest cliche about how you can’t run from your problems?  I mean, I may not be smart enough to run a major league club, but I am smart enough to pay attention to what a freakin’ fortune cookie tells me.

Nolan Arenado – Stewart leaving opens the door in Colorado for a possible Nolan Arenado infusion.  He will get a post all to himself next week, unless the Rockies sign someone else.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Tyler Colvin – Went to the Rockies in exchange for Stewart.  This trade is like when you order something gross and your friend has something unappetizing and you switch plates.  Hey, people have different tastes!  Though usually your friend’s entree is nasty too.  During last year’s preseason, Matthew Berry said Colvin would hit 40 homers.  Maybe Berry’s a time traveler and got his years confused and now that Colvin is in Coors he’ll hit 40 homers.  Or maybe he’ll platoon as a 4th outfielder, hit 15 homers and bat .230.  You just don’t know until they play the games.  Though if Berry’s a time traveler, it would help explain why he’s still recycling jokes from the early 90′s.

Jered Weaver will not make his final start of the year because he doesn’t care about your H2H team.  Weaver ends the season with a line of 18-8/2.41/1.01/198.  If you throw out three bad starts, his ERA would’ve been 1.72 in 220 innings, but if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts no one would ever leave the bathroom.  Verlander’s gonna win the Cy Young, shizz is foregone.  Put it in an envelope and hand it to your mail carrier so he can steam it open and check it for cash.  Either way, let’s look at what Weaver did this year.  Mullet over, if you will.  Weaver was better last year.  Blunt is as blunt does right there.  His K-rate, xFIP and hair were all better.  His K-rate this year was right in line with past rates, if you exclude 2010.  For now, last year looks like the outlier for Ks.  Also, batters made contact with his pitches inside the strike zone at a higher rate than last year and hitters weren’t as fooled by pitches outside the strike zone.  In the end, he’s not going to be terrible in 2012; it’s just a repeat of 2011 seems unlikely, unless Superman circles the earth a few hundred times.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Sitting out the last two games with a sore hamstring.  What’s this, the last few days of senior year and he’s already going to his safety school?  Play the games!

Alex Gonzalez – Left the game after aggravating his calf.  That’s the last time he says he likes his hamstring better.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 as he hit two homers yesterday.  That hit the spot in one of my leagues.  It was like the Kool-Aid man crashing through your wall and yelling “Oh, yeah!” then spackling the hole over because no one wants a giant hole in their wall.

Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ended the season with a 4.55 ERA.  Crapuano was pretttay, pretttay mediocre.

Jeanmar Gomez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Watching this game yesterday I felt like everyone screaming at Rocky to throw in the towel to save Apollo’s life.  Jesus effin’ Montero, they had to let Gomez give up eight earned with no lifeline?  Throw him a freakin’ bone and pull him from the G-d damn game!  Fantasy baseball:  When real life stress isn’t enough.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Done for the year.  Back date this to last Thursday when I thought he was done for the year.

Prince Fielder – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Then the soon-to-be free agent, Prince, changed his name to a symbol — $.

Howie Kendrick – Left the game with a sprained wrist.  He’s day-to–Oh, yeah, today’s the last day.  Didn’t the season just start?  I’m sad.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer.  Member when he was the meow’s cat early in the season?  Oh, those were the days.  It was warm out!  You had more hair!  Okay, now for another friendly reminder — grab everyone on the Braves, Cardinals, Rays and Red Sox.  If there’s a one game playoff, you want to be the one with these guys, not the schmohawk you’re trying to beat.

Matt Holliday – Pulled from the game because of his injured middle finger.  Some of his owners might have a healthy middle finger for him.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a homer as he replaced Holliday.  Yeah, I’d even grab Craig for that potential one day playoff game.

Tyler Flowers – Hit two homers in the last two games.  It’s too late for this year, but please, White Sox, do the right thing and give him a chance to play.  I’m begging here.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks, bringing his average to .159.  Elias Sports Bureau said there’s never been a player that hit less than half his weight until Adam Dunn.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was heard around the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Terry, in Human Resources, broke the previous record of seventeen with how many times someone’s blamed a fart on a ceiling fan.”

Justin Upton – After being hit in the head by a pitch on Sunday, he returned to the lineup yesterday and was hit in the face by a fly ball.  In the playoffs, Upton will wear a glove on his head.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Okay, start the hype machine for next year.

Mike Morse – For his 30th homer on Monday, Livan bought him a bottle of Cristal.  Yesterday, Morse hit his 31st homer.  For that, Livan gave him a lap dance.

Mike Napoli – Two homers yesterday vs. his old club, and specifically his old manager who never played him.  That revenge had to feel sweet for Napoli.  Remember, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against Napoli when pride is on the line.  He takes 28 homers, and even more remarkably, a .317 average into the final game of the season.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with a slam & legs to finally get him to 30/30.  This quest for 30/30 reminded me of an actor doing a movie for a paycheck.  30/30 is Kinsler’s Little Fockers.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run.  That gives him 29 homers and 98 RBIs on the year.  This blew Rudy’s mind yesterday on IM.  “You see Willingham’s almost at 30/100?”  “Yeah, I saw.” “I have nothing else to say about that.”  “Neither do I.”

Ryan Lavarnway – With Salty and Varitek banged up, Lavarnway got the start and hit two homers yesterday.  Similarly to Tyler Flowers, I’d love to see Lavarnway get a starting job next year.  Do it for all of Ryan’s fans.  You know, the Lavarnwayians.  Who are not related to Damon, Marlon, Kim, Keenan, Elvira, Michael, Kyla, Bella, Shawn, Damien (have I mentioned Damien yet?), Daphne, Jolie, Bella, Nadia, Shawn Howell, Chaunté and Craig.

Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, home run, hitting near .400 in September.  What-what?!  Actually the what-what was what I just mentioned.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4 with a homer and in the same game Tosoni hit a grand slam.  Parmelee and Tosoni?  Sounds like rejected cast members of The Jersey Shore.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I feel like every year drafting Delmon is like falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe.

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sweet… if I didn’t start Jeanmar and Blake Beavan.

Javier Vazquez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He only pitched this well to end the season because I dropped him in all of my leagues three months ago.  Oh, and I blame Steve Bartman too.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-3 with his 40th steal.  I’m in the process of writing up top 20 recaps that will be on the site next week.  You wanna know one guy that really surprised me?  Steve Lombardozzi.  No, Random Italicized Voice, not Steve Lombardozzi.  Emilio Bonifacio.  Didn’t realize what a great year he ended up having.  I mean, I should.  I only wrote 1500 words a day about fantasy baseball for the last 6 months.  Imagine I wrote all of that in a spiral notebook.  You’d have me committed.  It’s all about the medium!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 16 homers and 30 steals.  You know, you could’ve done worse at shortstop.  Hanley comes to mind.  He would’ve been worse.  On a side note, I wonder if the Phils don’t want the Braves in the playoffs or they’re just doing the honorable thing by playing their regulars.  I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Joe Blanton – Will start the season finale for the Phillies, which will set up their rotation perfectly for Blanton to return to pitch Game 6 of the NLDS.