Fantasy Baseball Advice

Nyjer Morgan was back in the lineup to steal two bases in the first inning, then he left with a broken hand.  Bunt, go feet first and get back in there!  One of my ‘pert teams was pulling too far away in power, so last week I made a trade for steals and saves.  Two categories I usually just play the waiver wire for, but in a 16 team league, it’s slim pickins.  I traded Prince Fielder for Heath Bell and Nyjer Morgan.  Stab me in my eye!  Shove hot coals in my pants!  Hot poker my heart!  I still won’t miss Prince, but Nyjer’s broken hand… Well, I’d like to write on Nyjer’s cast, “Amputate,” as you should be doing with him on your teams.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Hudson – He’ll be returning on Monday to face the Marlins.  The good news, he gets a decent 2 start week next week.  The bad news, he wasn’t exactly lights out in rehab.  The moderate news, he’s worth a flier in 12 team leagues where you need an extra starter.  Just don’t expect him to be anything more than 5 IP, 3 ER.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs.  Post-All-Star Break, he’s batting .222 with 8 homers and 6 steals.  It’s going to be hard to justify a 2nd round pick next year for Kinsler with his propensity for bescumbering your fantasy baseball team in the second half of the season.

Chris Davis - HR yesterday.  IDK. W00t? Or BFD U POS?  The preceding was brought to you by your 14-year-old nephew’s texting.

A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 Ks.  12 Ks courtesy of the league’s worst (best?) team for Ks, the Rangers.  After struggling for a few years with injuries, Burnett’s putting together another 30 start season (barring my jinxing right here).  Looking like a solid bet for 175 Ks and a 4.00 ERA next year.  That’s nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.

Anibal Sanchez – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners vs. the Mets.  I tried to push people away from Anibal because of his wont to tie his owners to the WHIPping post.

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-4, 2 HRs yesterday.  I can already see people drafting him next year in mixed leagues and then mid-April being bored with him.  It’s the trouble with 12/12 outfielders.  They look okay on draft day, but when they average 2 homers and 2 steals a month they get real yawnstipating.

Dave Bush – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Bush has a machine head.  But it’s not better than the rest.

Randy Wells – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners.  To make matters worse, the Cubs should start watching his innings.

Carlos Gonzalez – Was in the lineup, but it was too soon back in the yard and he hurt his knife wound.

Adam LaRoche – HR yesterday.  8 homers and batting .385 in August.  Must be after the All-Star Break.

Andy Marte – HR yesterday.  Deep league alert!  Has an eight game hitting streak with two homers and batting over .400.

Andrew McCutchen – HR yesterday.  Now has 9 homers and 15 steals.  Unbelievably, I’m starting to get excited about a Pirate for next year.  Not just any Pirate, but The Dread Pirate.

Garrett Jones – Robot Jones has not only continued to be productive (though admittedly less so than when he was first called up).  He hit his 15th homer yesterday and also has 8 steals.  For under 200 at-bats, that’s tremendous.  I have my doubts about him doing it over a full season.

Junichi Tazawa – 4 IP, 9 ER.  This is the reason I tried to steer people away from Tazawa.  I mean, he has a near 7 ERA on the year and 8 walks to 12 Ks.  Honestly, if it was for the Sons of Sam Horn hype machine, we wouldn’t even be talking about him.  Next year, we’ll reevaluate.

Alex Gonzalez – Has now hit homers in back-to-back games.  He’s a terrible hitter.  Make no mistake.  But hitters hit them in bunches, so he might have some short term value for MI pop.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Left the game with an ankle sprain.  He’s day-to-a-few-days.

Brandon Allen – Hit his first major league homer yesterday.  He’ll be discussed more in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can’t wait.  No, you can’t!

Matt Holliday – HR yesterday.  If he stays in the NL, it’ll be interesting to see if everyone drafts him next year like the first half of the year was a blip on the radar because of his Oakcation.  The only problem with that, he still only hit 25 homers his last full year in Coors.  Then again, maybe the Mets will get him, then no one will think his power will boon.

Albert Pujols – It’s almost like he owns himself in fantasy baseball.  He goes 0-for-2, but steals a base just to add some value.  This actually wouldn’t be a bad idea.  Part of everyone’s salary goes into a fantasy baseball pool.  The only caveat is they must draft themselves.  Hmm… But maybe that’s gambling.  Nevertheless, I love Pujols.  Well, that sounded wrong.

Chad Billingsley was a fave on mine coming into the year, and he pitched great for maybe a third of a season, passable for a third and pretty forgettable for the other third.  It’s with great regret I tell you to sell him for fifty cents on the dollar in one year leagues.  He wasn’t pitching all that well for a while now and now he’s dealing with a hamstring injury.  (This injury may actually save his arm from falling off.)  In one year leagues, you need guys that are going to help you right now.  It’s August, ya’ll — thanks, Mr. Winkle calender — and Billingsley may end up on the DL.  You don’t need the headache in one year leagues, I would take the best deal I could get and grab a waiver wire pitcher that has been doing well to fill-in.  I hate selling low, but, as my old Polish neighbor used to say, what can do?  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Gil Meche – Here’s the kind of pitcher I’ll take a flier on for a 5th to 6th starter in leagues over the random Texas Rangers rookie starter of the day.  If you ignore two terrible starts from Meche out of his last ten starts, he has a 2.66 ERA.  Sure, it’s cherrypicking stats, but it’s my blog so there.

Chris Coghlan – I’ve been remiss in not mentioning Coghlan much, but he’s yawnstipating to me outside of OBP leagues.  Rocks solid eligibility, but even when he’s hot he has very mild power and some speed he doesn’t like to show.  *removing my chewed-up cigar*  It’s the bigs, kid.  Show your speed.

Alcides Escobar – SAGNOF!  Don’t expect much else unless your league credits secondary characters in Medellin.

Cliff Pennington – Isn’t this the guy who told me flip-flips weren’t appropriate footwear for the country club? No, random italicized voice.  This is the guy who’s currently hitting way over his head, but has some speed and plays middle infield.  I think he’s the guy at the country club too.

Carlos Gonzalez – CarGo is a pending trademark by Carlos Gomez, so I’m not sure we can use it for him.  Then again, Carlos Gomez may have let that lapse, like he let his career.  Carlos Gonzalez is not without his caveats, Latin Americans.  He usually only plays vs. righties.

Randy Ruiz – I don’t actually own this random outfielder schmohawk behind door number three, but I do like saying his name… Randy Ruiz, Randy Ruiz, Randy Ruiz…

Alex Gonzalez – The Sawx finally figured out their shortstop shituation.  Gonzalez isn’t worth grabbing in mixed leagues unless you’re in dire need of power at MI, but I’d grab him in an AL-Only league.

Wladimir Balentien – Transylvania’s number one son is hitting near .400 in his last 7 games, and he’s been playing nearly every day.  The average will come down, but his power could explode.  In NL-Only leagues, he should be owned.  Mixed leagues, I’d wait and see.

Trent Oeltjen – If you don’t own Oeltjen, it means you probably have some sense in your head.  I, on the other hand, lack sense.  I own him so many places it’s kinda embarrassing.  I might need utility scab rehab after the season. It would be me and five fat guys in a room talking about how we dropped Dexter Fowler after a 3-for-30 slump only to watch him steal 4 bases in his next 7 games.  Just us, and coffee, cigarettes, a bowl of assorted jellybeans that all taste like the black ones, an assortment of Danish Cookies and WD-40, because of its multi-purpose eligibility.  Yes, I’ve given this too much thought.

SELL

Junichi Tazawa – Solid Sawx prospect.  Just like they said about Buchholz, Masterson, Bard….  Wait, no, he’s a solid import like they said about Dice-K.  He’s also about 15 points short of Javier Vazquez in Scrabble.  He’ll be good in a year or two, I wouldn’t own him in non-keepers this year.

Nate McLouth – McLousy.

Vernon Wells – This isn’t a sell as much as a drop, and this isn’t for just Vernon Wells.  This is for all the guys that are currently owned because their name says they should be.  Vernon Wells hasn’t been good in a while.  Was he solid then?  Yeah, and maybe one day you’ll be sitting behind Vernon and his grandkids in a Friendly’s and you can hear all about it.  Until then, lose the nostalgia.

Tommy Hunter - For Neftali next year, I’m going to work all winter on getting used to owning a Rangers pitcher, but I just can’t get behind one right now.  Besides, Tommy Hunter?  C’mon, that’s a Witness Protection name.  He’s hiding something.

The Aussie, Trent Oeltjen, went 4-for-4 yesterday, after hitting three homers in four games.  Wait, I know this one!  Sounds like Parrot Bones?  If you don’t own the guy when he’s hot, when do you own him?  Will he keep this up?  Can I shrug?  Will I own him on many teams waiting to see how long it lasts?  Why not?  Can I own him and Venable and Garrett Jones all on the same team, or will the rookie nookie circle of life implode on itself?  Who’s to say?  Can I talk in nothing, but short questions?  Maybe?  (Let’s hope Oeltjen didn’t share a bed with this koala.  Sorry, Michael Vick, she makes STDs look cute!)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Youkilis – The Greek God of Fisticuffs, apparently. (WARNING, the music comes on that video immediately and is terrible.)  BTW, the only thing that homemade video is missing is for the cameraman to pull back from the TV so we can see Joel Zumaya playing Guitar Hero.

Jamie Moyer – Feels misled by the decision to bump him to the bullpen.  See, the breadcrumbs of poor starts were headed to the rotation, then — bam! — in the bullpen.  Moyer just can’t figure it out.  Throw him a bone here, Philly.  Don’t throw it too fast though, Moyer’s forty-six years old, for crying out loud.  Or maybe he just reads Razzball and saw how I said him in the bullpen made no sense.

Aaron Laffey – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  I could see owning Laffey… If he were a Padre and only started at home.  Kapeesh or no kapeesh?

David Wright – DNP with a stomach flu.  Okay, you got me… I’m David Wright, snitches!

Dustin Nippert – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10Ks.  I wouldn’t own him with your team, just to *pinkie to mouth* Nippert that in the bud.

David Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Isn’t this the guy who starred opposite Kristen Drunkst in Crazy/Beautiful?  David Hernandez will have a murderous schedule in September like rebels in Sierra Leone. (Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of Locked Up Abroad lately. Whatever you do, don’t take drugs into Bangladesh.  Fo’ realz.)  Do you need the ulcer that Hernandez can provide for the possible reward?  Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t.  I wouldn’t pick him up without duress.

Tommy Hanson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  (Did everyone pitch 6 and two-thirds yesterday?)  I’m still very much up in the air as to how I’m going to draft Hanson next year.  Will I gamble on a Wainwright level draft pick hoping Hanson takes a big step forward?  I don’t know yet.  Still thinking… I’m thinking I won’t and wait until his third year.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3, and his 17th steal yesterday.  You’ve been riding the …Soo Choo Train for the whole year and you gotta admit, it’s kinda boring you, right?  I mean, 13 HRs and 17 steals is great, solid average, runs and RBIs, but it’s a slow moving train, ain’t it?

Randy Ruiz – HR yesterday as he was called up by the Blue Jays instead of Travis Snider.  I went to school with a Randy Ruiz, nice guy, smoked a lot of pot.  Actually, now that I look at Randy Ruiz’s player card, this might be him!  He’s old enough.  At 31, Randy Ruiz is, as Paula Dean would say, a bit overcooked, ya’ll.  Randy Ruiz has some pop for AL-Only leagues and also if you need a chaperone for your real rookies.  It is cool that his name only sounds right if you say the whole thing… Randy Ruiz… See?

Roy Oswalt – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Come back when healthy. Somebody doesn’t know their whens.

Will Venable - HR yesterday.  What does he do when he’s not hitting homers?  Saves kittens from trees.  Will Venable for City Councilman!

Adrian Gonzalez – 6-for-6 as the Padres (and my anus) exploded with a ton of runs yesterday.

Jake Fox – With Aramis smelling up the bench, Jakie Foxx is getting the starts (and batting 4th).

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 5 baserunners.  Fister?  I hardly knew… Um, yeah, he’s not worth grabbing in any leagues.

Miguel Olivo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his 16th homer yesterday.  Matt Wieters did not play.

Miguel Cabrera – I put Miggy right behind Olivo, as he would’ve wanted it.  What, I didn’t say anything.  Cabrera was hit by a pitch on the hand.  Supposedly, he should be fine.

Leo Nunez – Blew the save.  Sorry for his owners, but I really want Lindstrom to get some saves.

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 118 pitches vs. the Mets sans Wright.  Ready for it?  You know you are!  Cory Sullivan, Luis Castillo, Fernando Tatis, Daniel Murphy, Jeff Francoeur, Jeremy Reed, Alex Cora and Brian Schneider with Livan Hernandez pitching.  The Comatose Mets Fan just pulled his own plug.

Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners and a win to move his record to 6-6.  Now keep in mind that he pitches for the Dodgers, who have won 68 games — which is a lot by this point –  you would think with 6 wins, he’d be terrible this year, right?  He has a flippin’ 3.43 ERA!  Incredible.  No wonder I’m trailing in Wins in every league.

Carlos Gonzalez – HR yesterday and batting .438 in his last 7 games.  Sick of waiting for your overrated outfielder to come around, switch it up?  Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 5 baserunners, 0 ER, 6 Ks.  Everything in my body is saying stay away, but if you need to take a gamble, why can’t Ervin be good for the next month-plus?  Well, besides that he’s been terrible for the last four months-plus.

Alex Gonzalez – 4-for-5, Without looking it up, I’m going to say four hits is the most hits he’s had in one game since grade school.

Justin Lehr – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 K.  Nice!  He also got carded after the game… Trying to get a senior citizen discount.  Him, Randy Ruiz and Dennis Quaid should get together for The Rookie II:  The Mexican Leagues.

Okay, now picture you’re a Mets fan who was in a coma for three months and you just looked at the starting lineup.  You’d be like, “Jeremy who?  Cora what?  Tatis huh?  Why are the Mets playing a split squad game in June?”  Um, yeah.  Listen, Comatose Mets fan, you might want to sit down.  Carlos Beltran hit the DL yesterday with a sore knee.  The Mets are saying Beltran should be back in two weeks.  Yeah, and Reyes will be back three weeks ago.  At this point, you really can’t do anything but wait for Beltran to return.  Hopefully, there’s some decent outfielders on waivers for you to grab in the interim.  I grabbed David Murphy and Jonny “Hey, Khalil give me back my H” Gomes.  Gomes should be the Reds DH for interleague so he should get starts for a week, then I’ll need to look elsewhere.  Jake Fox is a decent play in interleague, as well.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ervin Santana – Went to the Disgraceful List.  No way!  Come on!  Really?  Shocker!

Scott Kazmir – Solid rehab outing where he didn’t walk anyone.  Might need one or two more rehab starts then should be back.

Alex Gonzalez – Had bone chips removed yesterday and will be out for a month.  Hopefully the doctor had more success in removing those chips than Gonzalez has had hitting baseballs.

Grady Sizemore – Says he’ll be ready to return today.  Better get out your “I Heart Grady,” t-shirt.

Yunel Escobar – Out with a strained hip flexor.  This could totally cramp his shuffleboard game.  Yunel dealt with this earlier in the year and it sidelined him for a week, so he might miss some time.

Josh Outman – Has elbow tightness and is, um, out, man.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Turned in a good outing in what was a good matchup.

Aaron Cook – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners.  So far he’s had two games all year that were terrible.  Sometimes safe works.

Matt Palmer – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Palmer?  I hardly knew her!  Oofa!  So far I’ve said about Palmer, “I wouldn’t touch him in 12 team leagues,” “Before you get crazy with yourself, he’s a thirty-year-old rookie and he’s not Dennis Quaid,” and “Who’s Matt Palmer?  A soap opera actor?” And that’s me quoting me!  So you kinda get the sense of what I’m thinking about Palmer going forward.

Ryan Ludwick – Second homer in the last four games.  Your time to buy low on him may be running out.

Daniel Murphy – HR yesterday.  Batting around .350 for the last week.  Let’s not be delusional that he’s going to completely fill-in for Beltran on your fantasy team, but maybe he can give you one hot week then find someone else next week.  Pick and troll.

Rafael Soriano – Got the save yesterday with Gonzalez taking care of lefties in the 8th.  Soriano has 45 Ks in 32 2/3 IP, .98 WHIP and a 1.38 ERA.  Um, that’s pretty good.

Albert Pujols – Reports say he called his shot on Sunday.  Would that be an HGH shot?

Joey Votto – Set to return on Tuesday, saying he felt batty, but in a good way.

Carlos Zambrano has managed to win 13 or more games for 6 straight years.  It wasn’t easy.  He had to get through a Sweatshop Foreman in Dusty Baker and a pitcher hater in Lou Piniella.  He’s managed 17 HRs in his career and has almost hit his weight (.240).  But, for some reason, he decides to lay down a bunt single and strains his hamstring trying to beat it out.  Somewhere Michael Barrett chuckles.  This sucks if you’re a Zambrano owner but doesn’t do much to change his value.  He’ll miss 3-4 starts and come back to pitch at about 4.00 ERA, solid Ks, and a Win every other start.  That’s assuming, though, he stops trying to emulate Juan Pierre.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Walked in a run in the 1st.  There’s got to be a direct correlation between pitchers walking in a run and how undesirable they are for fantasy.  Maybe we can get Rudy to draw up a chart.

Alex Rodriguez – Farted yesterday.  Big news!

Alex Gonzalez – Headed to the DL.  Hey, who’s going to hit .220 while he’s out?  Don’t worry, the Red have Paul Janish and Jerry Hairston Jr.

Chris Iannetta – Hit his 5th home run yesterday and collected 4 RBIs to bring his total to 10.  John Baker has 2 home runs and 10 RBIs.  You’d swear all the questions I answer about these two schmohawks that one was remarkably better.   Here’s the deal with punting catcher.  They’re like scabs.  Just leave them alone!  Iannetta will have 17-20 HRs by September.  You don’t have to keep picking at him.

Mike Napoli – 4-for-4 yesterday.  Hey, it’s the other catcher that works his way into every “Baker or Napoli or Iannetta” question.  Pick one then let them be.  Please.  You’re going to leave a scar.

Brandon League – Got the save opp because Downs had worked three straight games and League gave up three runs.  Mad Libs, The Pun Edition: Out of His ________.

Matt LaPorta – HR yesterday.  After the game he said, “I’m this year’s Bruce.  Now… let’s dance!”

Andy LaRoche – Hit his first home run yesterday as he hits .253 on the season.  After the game he said, “Adam went off-book.  We’re a 2nd half family.”

Eric Stults – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  You know who really appreciated this performance?  Peter Bogdanovich.

Javier Vazquez – No one pitches better for five-sixths of a game than Vazquez.

Andrew Bailey – There’s some rumblings up in Bub Rub country that he might be moving in on Ziegler territory.

Nick Markakis – Hit his 4th homer yesterday with 3 RBIs to bring his total to 27 as he bats .370.  I am Sparkakis!

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 Ks.   Sounds like the line every pitcher should expect coming out of a game with the Rangers.

Fausto Carmona – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER.   Yeah, I’m glad I dumped this knucklehead.  Good luck to you, Carmona.  Don’t write.

Kyle Lohse – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Hope who ever had him in April heeded my advice to loshe him.

Franklin Gutierrez – 3-for-4 as The Big FraGu goes yard!

Russell Branyan – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  When I say cheap, you say power… Cheap… Power… Cheap… You got it.

Matt Capps – Came in to save a 4-3 game and left down 7-4 after a sac fly and 3-run gopherball to Rickie Weeks.  So what happened to the Pirates’ Jolly Roger tonight?  Cappsized!  On a less snarky note, that’s three straight outings where he’s given up a run.  And he’s given up 6 runs and 9 hits in his last 2 innings pitched.  Pittsburgh doesn’t have a better option but John Grabow might be worth handcuffing at this point.

Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 5 ER. Pulled his best Javier Vazquez impersonation as he was great through six innings then was roughed up when he went back for the 7th.

Jon Lester – 7 IP and 10 Ks.  With 33 K and 10 BB, he’s a solid buy low candidate given his 5.00+ ERA.  Just realize he comes with some risk given he threw a zillion pitches last year.

Phil Hughes – Not a great start.  Maybe because it was a chilly, rainy night.  Too early to give up on him.  Sorry, I know everyone’s dying to drop him for Eric Stults now that Juliette Lewis has left him.  (Razzball:  Perez Hilton’s Favorite Fantasy Baseball Site!)

Jose Reyes – Right now, he’s at 10/1/8/.257 with 5 SBs.  That’s looking pretty crappy when Bobby Abreu has 11 SBs and guys are stealing 5 bases in a day.

Rick Ankiel – Tripped and went head first into the outfield fence.  We’re rooting for you buddy. (And, note, we don’t have him on any team.  We’re not THAT callous).

Huston Street – 1-2-3 inning for his 3rd save.  That’s 5 straight outings without a run.  And rumors are circulating that Manny Corpas might get send down.  The Colorado closer situation has been settled once and for all for the next 2 weeks until Street gets hurt.

Zack Greinke – Another shutout.  The trick?  He gets dressed in the Visitors’ locker room.

Francisco Liriano – Won his first game of the year – after losing his first 4 – with 9 Ks in 7 IP against Detroit.  Anyone that bet on him going 0-33 should be feeling mighty stupid.

Dexter Fowler – 0-for-3, 1 caught stealing.  Hey, when does Chris Young pitch again?

Chris Davis/Mark Reynolds – Homers 6 and 7 yesterday, respectively.  We got a hot one, America!

John Maine – Evened up his record to 2-2 after giving up only 3 hits in 6 IP with 7 Ks.  Yeah, that’s the good part.  Did we mention 3 ER and 6 BBs?  We own him, but that doesn’t mean we have to like him.  It could be worse I guess (we’re looking at you, Oliver Perez).

Mark Teixeira – HRs from both sides of the plate.  Let’s check the calendar.  It’s now May.  Yup, makes sense.  Time for Marco Scutaro to suck now.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-4, 22 game hit streak.  First slow-starter Adam LaRoche has a great April with little brother Andy at the other corner.  Now Ryan Zimmerman starts hitting like crazy when Jordan “Two-N” Zimmermann was called up.  So don’t be surprised if the Red Sox sign Russ Ortiz.