Fantasy Baseball Advice

The top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball are a shallow bowl of dung and even the catchers are ranked ahead of them for depth.  All the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings can be found under that thing that says 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  (Don’t worry, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to link to things a little more seamlessly).  Shortstops usually get the short end of the stick when I’m drafting.  If I don’t get a top guy from the first two rounds, I’ll probably just take a flyer on some late round player.  Honestly, I don’t even really want to mess with Tulo, Reyes and Ramirez.  So, to amend what I just said, I usually just take a late flyer on a shortstop.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I drafted a 1st or 2nd round shortstop, and I play in about ten leagues per year.  In leagues that play a middle infielder, then you might need two of these schmohawks.  Hopefully, you can grab two decent 2nd basemen and only need one of these guys.  As with the other top 20 rankings, I point out where I think tiers start and stop and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Troy Tulowitzki – His projections are found at the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Jose Reyes – His projections are found at the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

3. Hanley Ramirez – His projections are found at the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

4. Elvis Andrus -  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Asdrubal.  I call this tier, “Only four shortstops in and it’s your last chance for a decent one.  Yay.”  Maybe it’s Arlington, maybe it’s the lineup around him, but I still think he can hit 7 to 10 homers and be the new Reyes.  He’s still only 23 years old and he’s shown durability and speed.  All he needs is to find a little power stroke and we’re looking at a guy that is gonna shoot up a few rounds next year.  2012 Projections:  105/7/60/.285/40

5. Starlin Castro – Castro’s gonna be the Jeter of the Cubs.  Players on the Cubs are gonna come and go and Castro’s gonna be there, hitting .300, teen homers and steal 20-ish bases.  For a long time.  (Note #1:  I wrote the preceding then decided to use my Google machine to see if anyone’s made that comparison before.  Sure enough, yup.  Dozens of people.  There’s even a crappy Bleacher Report slideshow of Jeter and Castro that has five pictures total that are flip-flopped five times to drive up pageviews.)  (Note #2:  If you skipped the first note, let’s act like I invented the Castro/Jeter comparison.)  (Note #3:  There’s no note number three.)  I’m sure I’m the first person to think of the Jeter vs. Castro comparison.  Prescient isn’t just a word I can’t spell without a spellchecker!  (Note #4:  Thanks for ignoring the first note.)  2012 Projections:  100/12/70/.310/20

6. Jimmy Rollins – You know when you show up at a party early and no one else is there and you’re stuck talking to people you don’t know?  That’s like drafting a player the year before he breaks out.  “So, how do you know the host of the party?  You met him at AA?  Cool.  You know, I actually have another party I have to get to.”  It’s equally bad showing up sober to a party late and everyone is drunk and acting a fool.  That’s like drafting an older player who finally becomes useless.  “So, you put flash frames of Masonic imagery in your home movies?  Interesting… I think I’m gonna head home.” And before you know it you’re cleaning up vomit off your shoes because of the random guy who couldn’t resist the Jager.  No one wants to be the first or last person at the party.  I get it.  You’re running the risk of being last on Rollins and having to clean up his puke, but I think a car load of girls is about to show up and the party has one more rally left in it.  2012 Projections:  80/14/55/.270/24

7. Asdrubal Cabrera – Let’s put what I have to say aside for one second.  Bill James says Asdrubal should go 16/15/.273.  He gives Rollins 16/25/.262, Castro 8/21/.312 and Andrus 4/39/.281.  Those are relatively the same with Rollins getting the edge because of steals and power.  Rollins is obviously the most likely to get those numbers or get injured.  Castro doesn’t have huge power, but he’s better in steals and average.  Andrus is way better in steals and slightly better in average.  So why is Asdrubal last?  He never hit more than 6 homers in any other professional season.  He just pulled a 25 homer, “Hey, look I’m Ben Zobrist!” season out of his back pocket.  All of those other shortstops have done all of those numbers before.  Andrus easily has speed, Rollins has done those numbers for multiple seasons and Castro is five years Asdrubal’s junior and he just went 10/22 and hits .300 like it’s his job (which it is), i.e., I’m not drafting Asdrubal with his current price tag.  2012 Projections:  80/14/70/.270/15

8. Derek Jeter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Bonifacio.  I call this tier, “Where’s all the freakin’ shortstops?”  What a mess this position is.  That’s it; only 7 shortstops?  For serious?  That’s ridiculous.  Fold the position and move everyone on the field thirty feet to their right.  Or count pitchers’ hitting for fantasy and forget about shortstops.  Last three years, Jeter’s homers have been 18, 10 and 6.  As we know from 3rd grade math problems, next year Jeter’s gonna hit a negative two homers.  Hey, Garrett Atkins, get out of Jeter’s earth skin?!  2012 Projections:  90/10/60/.275/15

9. Alexei Ramirez – I dislike this guy a shizzload.  His end of the year stats of 17-ish homers and 10-ish steals look all right, but to get there it’s, like, 3 homers and 1 and a half steals per month.  Who even steals half bags?  Fat and/or lazy guys, and Alexei isn’t fat the last time I checked.  Oh, and when you’re waiting for 3 homers and 1+ steal a month, it’s utterly yawnstipating.  2012 Projections:  75/17/80/.270/10

10. Erick Aybar – The best thing Aybar has going for him is Scioscia loves him like a fat kid loves cake.  When the best thing for you is when a Sciosciapath likes you, you’re in trouble.  He gave Jeff Mathis 2000 ABs!  2012 Projections:  80/6/50/.280/24

11. J.J. Hardy – You trusting J.J. Hardy as your shortstop?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, are you?  He wasn’t even drafted last year and he’s ranked 11th, and it’s not like he was this prospect that suddenly emerged and that’s why he wasn’t drafted.  He’s 29 years old and has played 7 years in the majors.  You think he’s going to repeat last year or do you think he’s gonna disappoint like his other years?  Oh, God, this position is terrible.  2012 Projections:  60/19/75/.255

12. Emilio Bonifacio – A utility man who just had a career year isn’t my idea of a great draft pick.  Maybe I’m old fashioned!  Maybe when I curse I say drats!  Maybe I call my breeches knickerbockers!  Maybe I’m afraid of planes because I think they’re giant birds!  I don’t buy Bonifacio at all on the average.  That was bolstered by luck and a hitting streak where things were falling in for him…. Hmm, that’s sorta the same as luck.  I also don’t buy the power, even if it was only five homers last year.  The speed is real though, so if you can get him at a bargain and you need speed, go for it.  Remember, you’re drafting a guy that you will almost definitely want to drop two weeks into the season.  2012 Projections:  70/2/40/.260/30

13. Dee Gordon – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Alcides.  I call this tier, “Honestly, I don’t even think these guys are that great, but compared to what’s left after this, this is your last chance for exciting.”  If you don’t have a shortstop by the end of this tier, then you are punting shortstop and will end up with a waiver wire carousel of Cliff Pennington, Rafael Furcal and Jason Bartlett.  Otherwise known as Clafson Barcal, who only sounds like a character from The Wire.  Gordon is Juan Pierre at shortstop.  He’s so skinny if you put a sesame seed on his head he looks like a thumb tack.  I don’t think Gordon could hit a homer if they move the fences to standard Celebrity Softball regulation.  But he does have speed to burn, so there’s that.  2012 Projections:  80/0/30/.265/45

14. Ian Desmond – I feel like Desmond and Espinosa both get a bad rap.  Speaking of bad rap, imagine Nicki Minaj guest rapping on a Pitbull song.  Man, they are both terrible.  You’re not rhyming Kodak with Kodak, you are just repeating the same word!  Desmond was actually a bit lucky with his average last year and he strikes out a lot.  It’s not a great sign, but all the players this low have some drawbacks.  2012 Projections:  70/10/65/.250/22

15. Zack Cozart – I already went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while defriending anyone that ruined Boardwalk Empire’s finale.  2012 Projections:  55/14/70/.245/20

16. Alcides Escobar – This is it.  No more upside at shortstop after this.  Unless you’re related to Everth Cabrera and you promised to draft him so he stops threatening to walk into traffic.  Alcides has the promise of 40 steal speed in those luscious gams of his.  Whether he ever wants to make good on that promise is up to him.  BTW, luscious is a totally normal adjective to describe another man’s legs.  Alcides looks like a poor man’s Aybar.  Or a Sawdust-On-The-Floor-bar.  2012 Projections:  75/5/50/.250/30

17. Jhonny Peralta – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “If you draft from here, you will rotate out your shortstop at least 5 times this year.”   I guess Peralta could be J.J. Hardy this year and bash 30 homers.  More than likely he’ll hit 17 homers and a .250 average.   I don’t buy the .299 average last year at all.  I think the God of Extra H’s came to him in April and bestowed on him his one wish — a pony that craps gold.  Then he got lucky and hit .299.  (You didn’t think he’d wish for a .299 average, did you?  I mean, wouldn’t he just wish for a .300 average?  C’mon, use your brain!)  2012 Projections:  60/17/75/.250

18. Yunel Escobar – I never know what to make of Yunel.  One year he hits 11 homers and another year he hits 14 and another year he hits 10 homers.  Will he hit 11 this year?  Maybe 12?  Or even 13?  So much to think about!  /sarcasm  2012 Projections:  70/12/45/.280/3

19. Jason Bartlett – I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bartlett traded to a team that uses him as a backup.  Luckily, that wouldn’t change his fantasy value.  Because to change values, you need value — snap!  2012 Projections:  50/3/35/.255/20

20. Rafael Furcal -  Member when Furcal was one of the top shortstops in the game?  Yeah, I don’t either.  I have a bad memory.  Who are we talking about anyway?  Ryan Klesko?  I love his sideburns!  2012 Projections:  60/7/35/.245/12

After the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names but these standout:

Tyler Pastornicky – Since the Braves like to throw prospects to the fire (to nice success), I expect they’re going to give Pastornicky, who sounds like the clergyman that Carmela made out with, every chance to play.  In the minors, he’s shown decent power for a shortstop and 20-ish speed.  I wouldn’t expect much of an average.  He might be a very cheap Ian Desmond.  That sounded better in my head than it probably did in yours.  To read further on Tyler Pastornicky 2012 fantasy, click that link-a-ma-boob.  2012 Projections:  55/7/65/.250/17

Jed Lowrie – The fact that the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball and this post both have Astros in the upside flyer section at the end of the post speaks volumes.  I share very little enthusiasm for Lowrie that others have.  Best case scenario, he hits 15 homers and steals 3 bases.  Over the course of the season, you’re looking at a guy that hits about 2 homers per month.  That gets boring by April 7th.  2012 Projections:  60/12/65/.260/3

Stephen Drew – I usually like to highlight guys at the bottom of this list to look at late, but we’re talking about shortstops here.  If you couldn’t tell from the dozen or so times I said there’s no good shortstops, here’s another indication.  For the first time in a while, Stephen Drew will not disappoint because no one is expecting anything from him.  The Royal We is not even sure if he’ll be able to play when the season rolls around.  Think about all the time we would’ve saved from drafting the two Drew boys if Mother Drew never met Father Drew.  Could someone travel back in time and make sure they never meet?  2012 Projections:  60/12/55/.270/5

Top 20 catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and 3rd basemen are in the books.  What a strange, glorious trip it’s been!  Though not really.  Today, the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball get to shine.  Hmm… Actually, most of these won’t shine.  They’re cloudy with a chance of crapballs.  As I said in the 2nd baseball recap post, the shortstops are almost exactly as shallow as the shortstops and 3rd basemen.  Now it’s time to be a bit more specific.  The top ten shortstops were better than the 2nd basemen and 3rd basemen.  Yes, that is scary.  Though if you were in a deeper league or if you used an MI, the fall off from the 13th to 20th ranked shortstops is not pretty, whereas the 2nd basemen held their value as you dropped down the rankings.  3rd base was as big a mess in the lower half of the rankings as shortstops.  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery.  To recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Jose Reyes – I’m a huge Reyes fan and he didn’t disappoint this year.  He missed almost forty games and still was the top ranked shortstop.  If you filled him in halfway decently while he was injured, you had huge production from his spot.  He cut his K-rate by a solid margin, had a bit of luck on average but should’ve had more homers.  Six of one yadda³.  I kinda want to see him end up in Boston this offseason, but I’m also afraid his value will be inflated a’la Crawford and his injuries could resurface.  As for that whole sitting out to win the batting title thing, it doesn’t matter for fantasy.  It’s about as relevant as Miggy filling his jock strap with airplane bottles of liquor.  Turn down the treble and eliminate the noise.  On a side note, why is Jose Reyes freakin’ naked on the cover of ESPN, The Magazine?  I have girls back to my house and they don’t understand.  My moms sees this magazine and she’s questioning things.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the questions.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  110/12/60/.290/40, Final Numbers:  101/7/44/.337/39

2. Troy Tulowitzki – Imagine if I jumped out of DeLorean in March and told you Tulo would miss September, would you still have drafted him?  I’m guessing no.  I’m Guessing, II:  The Return of I’m Guessing; you would’ve regretted not drafting him.  I’m Guessing, III:  I Didn’t See The 2nd I’m Guessing But They’re Making Another One?; if you were in a H2H league, you probably would’ve regretted not drafting him less.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  95/30/105/.280/15, Final Numbers:  81/30/105/.302/9

3. Starlin Castro – Was one of those players that I wasn’t excited about in January when I did the rankings, then ended up with him on multiple teams because Rudy liked him a lot.  Sometimes Rudy’s smart.  (Sometimes last March Rudy told me he didn’t want Kemp on every team.  Sometimes I shouldn’t have listened.)   Preseason Rank #12, 2011 Projections:  75/5/55/.305/12, Final Numbers:  91/10/66/.307/22

4. Asdrubal Cabrera – He was ranked low by me in the preseason, but I did put him in a group of players you should take a flyer on at the end of the draft.  I’ve had much love for Asdrubal from the moment he burst on the scene with his easy-to-giggle-at first name.  Still, his power output this year is ridonkiculous.  25 homers?  Really?  Did Hanley and him urinate into a fountain as they made a wish at the same time?  (I ranked Asdrubal 22nd overall, but I said in the preseason blurb I’m only doing that to highlight him and he’s actually above Castro, so, ya know, don’t hate the ranker, hate the game.)  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  80/7/60/.295/20, Final Numbers:  87/25/92/.273/17

5. Elvis Andrus – Came pretty close to performing exactly as I thought he would, but, for full disclosure purposes (or porpoises if dolphins are reading), I wanted more from Andrus.  He reminds me of Brian McCann.   I expect them to break out in a huge way, then they perform well and I’m still slightly disappointed.  I’m telling you, one of these years Andrus is gonna give us a Reyes in his prime year.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  95/5/50/.270/45, Final Numbers:  96/5/60/.279/37

6. Emilio Bonifacio – Went over him in the top 20 third basemen post.

7. Jimmy Rollins – Gave a much better season than I expected from him.  And it might’ve been better if it wasn’t for Utley’s injury.  While filling in the three hole (not like that!), Rollins’s line was 17/1/5/.271/5.  And you thought Utley only hurt you directly.  He’s giving you indirect reasons to dislike him.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  85/14/65/.260/20, Final Numbers:  87/16/63/.268/30

8. Erick Aybar – Back on January 18th (which is my birthday, mark it down!), I left Aybar off my top 20 preseason ranking and commenter, Fanthead, said, “Doesn’t Erick Aybar (who is not ranked) have the wherewithal to match (Alcides’s) numbers (70/3/40/.275/30)?”  Well, la di da!  Maybe Fanthead should do his own rankings!  And use words like wherewithal throughout!  I keed.  It was a good call by Fanthead.  Aybar did have the wherewithal.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/10/59/.279/30

9. Derek Jeter – Here’s what I said back in the preseason, “So I’ve been watching the first season of Friday Night Lights.  Great show.  I’d say SPOILER ALERT! but that season’s like seven years old.  Anyway, when Riggins was stealing Minka from Street, I kept imagining Street yelling, ‘So, Jeter, it’s okay to steal a cripple’s girlfriend, but you won’t fight a cripple?!’”  That has nothing to do with anything, but it made me laugh when I was reviewing what I had said.  Now Jeter’s on to the next one and Minka’s remaking a terrible show with an even worse show.  As for Jeter, what can be said about him that hasn’t been said before?  His power’s all but evaporated and he gets runs and average.  Yay or who cares?  Yay or who cares?  YAY OR WHO CARES?!  That’s what I’m asking you!  Sorry, lost my shizz there for a second.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  105/12/65/.280/15, Final Numbers:  84/6/61/.297/16

10. Jhonny Peralta – Went over him in the top 20 third basemen post.

11. J.J. Hardy – The real mystery with Hardy is why is he ranked so low.  Maybe because he came so cheaply in drafts or off of waivers, but he seemed way more valuable than 11th overall.  If I were ranking these guys, I’d put Hardy above Bonifacio.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  76/30/80/.269

12. Alexei Ramirez – In May and September, he hit around .300 and didn’t steal one base.  Removing doubles, triples and homers, that’s fifty-eight times he was on first and just stood there like a cat stole his tongue… Well, that cliche doesn’t work, but you get my drift.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/17/70/.280/14, Final Numbers:  81/15/70/.269/7

13. Yunel Escobar – I could be guaranteed Yunel’s final line in March and I wouldn’t draft him.  I’d still prefer to draft someone who could actually be better with upside.  Preseason Rank #18, 2011 Projections:  75/10/60/.290/7, Final Numbers:  77/11/48/.290/3

14. Ian Desmond – Was he all that and a bag of Funyuns?  Nah, not exactly.  But I think you could’ve done worse with your MI.  And you put what I think in one of those 50′s supercomputers and it spits back at you, “So what?”  Have I learned my lesson with Desmond for next year?  He hit 8 homers and stole 25 bases, not sure what there is to learn.  I’ll take it every day for my MI and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections:  80/15/70/.280/20, Final Numbers:  65/8/49/.253/25

15. Alcides Escobar – If I may toot my own horn — though if I could actually toot my own horn, I’d never leave the house — I did really well with projections this year.  January Grey was locked in.  January Grey, “Funny you use that turn of a phrase cause I’m actually locked up in Guatemala.  Look for me on Locked Up Abroad!”  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/3/40/.275/30, Final Numbers:  69/4/46/.254/26

16. Cliff Pennington – Now we’re at the point in this exercise where you really shouldn’t have owned any of these guys all year long.  And, if you did, you’re not reading this anyway.  You’re over in our fantasy football or fantasy hockey or fantasy basketball section talking about how Grey’s a dumbass.  Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections:  60/5/40/.245/30, Final Numbers:  57/8/58/.264/14

17. Marco Scutaro – One good month and you too can get in the top 20 shortstops.  3 ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 shortstops!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/7/54/.299/4

18. Hanley Ramirez – On top of him taping heroin to your back and pushing you through a Turkish checkpoint, his name value made everything much worse.  I’ll explain.  If you have someone like Scutaro and he’s not performing, you drop him for someone else.  You have Hanley and you hold out hope until the bitter end.  Or worse, you trade for him thinking he’s gonna bounce back.  Yeah, Hanley killed some teams this year.  We may forgive, we will never forget.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  100/26/100/.310/25, Final Numbers:  55/10/45/.243/20

19. Darwin Barney – Went over him the top 20 2nd basemen post.

20. Yuniesky Betancourt – His name anagrams to Batter Nine You Sucky.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/13/68/.252/4

Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury.  Manzo!  Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.”  Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear.  Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?”  The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers.  The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first?  Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.

Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps.  Must be that time of the month.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week.  I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.”  And that’s me bestowing on you!

Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year.  As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight.  AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what time it is, ya’ll?!  No, not 8:28 AM.  I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant.  It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams.  In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09.  Yup.

Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery.  If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon.  And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job.  It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place.  However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.

Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow.  Sounds like he should be okay.  Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Noob Hint Alert!  If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good.  When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run.  When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week?  I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this.  3 homers this week?  4?

Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run.  He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday.  At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones.  There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.

Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks.  Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.

Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist.  Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games.  People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around.  Looks like he’s providing an answer.

Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection.  My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better.  And he was better yesterday.  See how that works?

Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games.  The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base.  In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty!  He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues.  Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low.  In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals.  Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own.  And him too.

Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run.  Whatever, you don’t need that.

Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain.  Geez, lots of injuries this weekend.  Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.

Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL.  You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning?  Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball.  Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century.  Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare.  Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation?   A cockroach, for instance.  Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”

Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie.  Hopefully things work out better this time.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”)  Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games.  Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee.  Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look.  I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.

Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation.  He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback.  If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them?  So juvenile.

Dustin Ackley was recalled (don’t ask why it’s recalled and not called up, baseball’s arcane at times).  Here’s what I said when he was about to get the call a little under a month ago, “Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 9 homers and 6 steals through 64 games (updated!).”  And that’s me quoting and updating me!  Because his home park ends in -co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — his power may take a bit of a hit.  His speed isn’t gazelle-like. (Gazellian?)  But, at middle infidel, you take the flyer to see what he can do.  It’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – One start away from gaining 3rd base eligibility.  Before the game, La Russa said, “I know I Mr. Bungled the closer situation for a few weeks earlier this year, so here’s a bone for fantasy owners.”  In other La Russa news, Razzball has an exclusive!  We’ve obtained a never before seen picture of Smurfette giving birth to Tony La Russa.

Allen Craig – Could miss up to 6 weeks while he’s mourning his small fracture in his kneecap n’ crunch.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks.  It’s always frustrating when a pitcher you want to believe in does well as far as earned runs go, but walks too many guys to get excited about.

Scott Rolen – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, now has 6 RBIs in the last 4 games.  Is there a more useless stat?  I’m surprised the saber-community hasn’t become more diligent about finding a better stat… Though maybe they have, I’m not at the forefront of the saber-movement.  “Hey, why is it an Inverted W?  Why not just call it an M?”  That’s me opening for Rob Neyer in concert.

Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I loved Jhoulys in the preseason — So Fresh, So Chacin, ha!  I crack myself up sometimes.  I have two regrets, wish I would’ve pushed him even harder on youse and I wish I owned him in every league.

Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4 with his 5th steal in 5 games.  If you’re not giddy to grab him, we’ll never see eye to eye.  Go read Fantasy (insert a synonym for smart) dot com.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Now you can’t blame me if you don’t own him.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “Let’s count the ways we love Ricky Romero, shall we?  7 ways!  Okay, maybe I should count them out loud.  1) Will only be 26 years old.  2) Will be entering his third big league season, a time when pitchers tend to hit their stride.  3) His K-rate was 7 and half and can get better. 4) He cut his walks last year.  5) Golden rings.  6) Pitches in the AL East… Hmm… That’s not a positive.  7)  There was really only 4 reasons that I stretched out to 7.  2011 Projections:  13-6/3.65/1.30/180″  And that’s me quoting me!

Frank Francisco – Got the save yesterday, but Rauch was unavailable after pitching 2 innings on Tuesday.  I think Rauch or Francisco could get the next save.  Hello, wishy, meet my friend washy.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with his 13th home run.  Now has homers in back-to-back games and is hitting .337 on the year.  Glad to see Lind’s 2009 wasn’t hanging out with and getting influenced by Aaron Hill’s 2009.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, home run.  I’m not a huge fan of Yunel’s because of his lack of speed but he’s hitting .292 with 8 homers.  He’s kinda doing what you paid in your draft for Martin Prado to do.

Chad Billingsley – 4 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Only thing he could do worse is if he changed his name to Chazz.  (BTW, we need a writer for Razzball who goes by the name Chazz.  I don’t care about your writing style or references.  In your profile pic, I want to see an Izod shirt, a sweater wrapped around your shoulders and a tennis racket.  That’s all I care about.  And maybe some anecdotes that involve your mumsy and pawpaw.)  No one wants Bills on their team if they own him, and I understand it.  Would I drop him?  Well, it’s not like he’s that good when he’s good, right?  Actually, his post-All-Star Break ERA last year was 3.00 and he had a 2.79 in July.  His June ERA last year was 6.11.  It’s June Gloom, ya’ll.  Also, his xFIP is decent and his K-rate is nice.  I wouldn’t go out and trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers in some leagues and bench him if I had room.  I wouldn’t drop him in most leagues either, I’d just bench him.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Was activated from the DL.  Nishioka, or Japanese Hazelnut as Rudy likes to call him because his last name slightly resembles the name for hazelnut gelato, should be grabbed in most mixed leagues.  Really, what else you got at MI?  Yeah, thought so.

Nick Markakis – 1-for-2 with a run.  For him, big game.  All kidding aside, what happened to this young brother?  Someone spray Windex on his bat or something.

Mike Morse – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  The Morse God of Fantasy!

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 11th home run to go along with his 6 steals.  I realize his average looks like Metamucil vomit, but I still find it hard to believe he isn’t owned everywhere.

Livan Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s a Latin 36 and pushing 250 lbs of pure blubber.  He probably can’t run a quarter mile.  His fastball is slower than some pitches you’d see from Jim Kaat at the Minnesota Twins Fantasy Camp.  Yet, his ERA is 3.77.  For me, this alone is reason enough to love baseball.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit his 12th home run, and is batting .310.  I’ll admit to underestimating his power.  Between dropping Anibal in one league after his first bad start and Gaby, the Florida Sanchii have confused me.

Ryan Madson – Won his third game, has 15 saves and ERA is 2.10.  One of our teams is doing great.  On that team, we have Madson, Venters and Storen as our relievers.  Three total draft flyers.  Really goes to the sentiment of SAGNOF.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-5 and is cooling off in a big way.  Keep in mind I told you to sell him two weeks ago.  I will mention that again in two weeks if he stays cold.  I will not mention it if he starts hitting again.

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4 with a home run and two steals.  While Jeter rents Friday Nights Lights with Minka so he can praise her acting, Nunez is manning short.  Speaking of short, he won’t have value for long, but he can be a decent stopgap at MI.  He has mostly speed, but, as he showed, there’s a bit of power.

Mark Teixeira – 3-for-5 with 2 home runs.  One for each oddly placed I in his name.  He now has 21 homers on the year.  Imagine if Te(i)x actually gets hot in the 2nd half.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3 with his third game in a row with a steal.  He also has multiple hit games in five straight and has raised his batting average almost 30 points this month.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Jeff Baker – Homered yesterday.  With the Purple Evolutionist out, we added Baker to a bunch of deeper league teams.  The Cubs are batting him third (vs. lefties).  Though he might not play vs. righties.

Josh Beckett – One hit shutout of the Rays with 6 Ks.  Only hit was an infield single.  Yeah, Beckett’s having a nice season.  I said he was a great buy…last year when he was worse than dog balls, but I was time traveling and I thought it was 2011.  Oh, well.  Can’t win them all.  Maybe I should do steroids, is that legal for fantasy baseball bloggers?

Andrew Miller – Will be promoted by the Sawx to start against the Padres next Monday.  Terry Francona said, “Obviously, [Miller] is a huge part of our organization, and it’s going to stay that way.  He’s not going anywhere.”  Huge?  Sure, Francona.  And Marco Scutaro is really the lynchpin to your title hopes and you built the team squarely around the talents of Bobby Jenks.  Honestly, does my opinion of Miller matter for this matchup vs. the Padres?  I don’t think so.  If you really want to know, he’s been underachieving for years.  He’s been good this year in Pawtucket, but he’s been good in the minor leagues before.  I could see taking the flyer and then reevaluating after the Padres start, which is probably what the Sawx will be doing too.

Justin Morneau – To the DL.  The only way he’s hitting an upper decker this year is if he craps in the toilet tank.

To discuss Francisco Liriano at Razzball HQ, I gathered the Random Italicized Voice, MR. AL CAPS and Larry King.  After eating me out of house and home — “The selection was pretty meager.  Freezer pops, really?” “NOT A THING TO DRINK,” “Anyone see where I put down my teeth?” –  we talked about Liriano.  He started off in the preseason in my top 10 starters for 2011.  “That call looks as pretty as Rocky Dennis.“  “YOU SHOULD’VE FOLLOWED THAT CALL WITH SAYING TYLER COLVIN WOULD HIT 40 HOME RUNS.”  “I wonder if my teeth are in the bathroom.”  April saw Liriano’s ERA balloon to 9.13 and a lot of talk about how the Twins asked him to throw to contact.  Yeah, why strike out guys when you can have hitters hit balls into holes?  “I’d like to hit some of my random italicized balls into holes.“  “NICE ONE, RIV!”  “Hey, what do you know?  I clipped the potato bag closed with my teeth.”  In May, Liriano had an ERA of 2.52 and a no hitter, but he still didn’t look completely right.  In June, he’s given up one earned run in 13 innings.  More importantly, he has more Ks than innings pitched.  After his June 7th start, I said that was the best he’s looked all year, including the no-hitter.  On Sunday, he looked better — 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks and 9 Ks vs. the Rangers.  He’s not at 100% owned in ESPN, I’d go ahead and fix that.  Also, if you can get a Liriano owner to think he’s selling high, I’d see if I could still buy low.  Remember some of these owners are still dealing with early season scars when he looked like hot garbage.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Joe Mauer – Supposed to return on Thursday.  I’ll give him an over/under of 7 home runs on the year.  I’ll give him and Morneau combined an over/under of 14 homers.  Or two less than The Drubal has right now.  “Why do I own Morneau in multiple leagues?”  That’s me standing on the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Mike Napoli – Headed to the DL with a strained oblique.  The bad news is he’ll probably miss three to four weeks.  The good news is it’s three to four weeks without questioning why Napoli isn’t playing.  If humans use 10% of their brains and 7% of that is used with Napoli questions, suddenly you’re all gonna be like Travolta in Phenomenon.  Forget picking up a free agent catcher, pick up a tractor trailer with a wiggle of your finger.

Miguel Olivo – Hit two more home runs on Sunday.  All he does is hit home runs!  (For a week or two then goes crazy cold.)

Justin Smoak – Hit his 2nd home run in the last three days, now has 12 on the year.  I think next year he’s going to be terrific, but this year he might just be a tad better than Mitch Moreland.  BTW, who names their kid, Mitch?  That’s one of the few times the long form of a name — Mitchell — is far preferable.  Hmm, looking again at the Google Map of this post, it looks like I could’ve avoided the Mitch detour.

Bartolo Colon – To the 15 day DL.  When Colon heard he had a strained hammy, he asked if it was glazed.

Jorge Posada – 2-for-3 and is now only six points away in average from Russell Martin (.226 vs. .232).  That’s not a positive for Posada, but a negative for Russell Martin, who I told people to sell back in April.

Derek Jeter – 7 from 3,000.  Tony Gwynn said the last ten hits are the hardest to 3,000.  Gwynn, “Until you get those last 10 hits, you won’t even enjoy the activity you enjoy most.  For you, that’s probably banging Minka Kelly.  For me, it was eating Big Macs.”

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with a foot injury, which for the Harangatuan could be his hands, not sure.  Since Dustin Moseley is also ailing, Wade LeBlanc could fill in the rotation.  In deeper mixed and NL-Only leagues, he’s a decent Hodgepadre flyer.

Anthony Rizzo – Homered on Saturday.  It’s Rizzo, jerky!

John Axford – Recorded his 18th save to go along with his 2.97 ERA.  Member when you dropped him the first week of the season?  Yeah, I’d suggest Ritalin for the Attention Deficit Drops.

Dustin Pedroia – Since the knee scare, he’s actually been great.  Yesterday, he hit a home run, before that two three-hit days.  Maybe I was irrationally worried about his knee, or maybe I just couldn’t put my finger on his can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.

David Ortiz – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 17th home run while sporting a .325 average.  His collapse next year is gonna catch some fantasy owners off guard, but think about the poor schmuck who’s gonna give him a 3-year, $45 million contract.  Ed Wade’s Toupee, “If we had a DH, I’d consider it.  We don’t have a DH, right?”

Kyle Drabek – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Will have a nice career at some point, but right now he looks like five kinds of wrong with a side of meh.  Speaking of meh, Super 8, though it ended up being just disappointing because of expectations.  How does J.J. Abrams go wrong with Close Encounters meets E.T. meets Stand By Me?  Only thing that could have been more disappointing is if David Simon was somehow involved, but he’s busy disappointing me with Treme.  I will say I would like to see an updated Goonies built around the pyromaniac kid with braces.  Finally we have a new Mouth.  If that kid isn’t mainlining heroin within 5 years because of all the money he’s about to make, he should fire his parents.

Hunter Pence – Sat out Sunday with a sore back.  I have a sore “lacking a 2nd outfielder” on my fantasy teams, so hopefully it’s not a major issue.

Allen Craig – To the DL.  Hopefully, the Rays call up Desmond Jennings soon.  What does that have to do with Allen Craig?  Nothing.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Left the game early rubbing his index finger.  He was either injured or playing charades with his name.

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, hitting .321 with 5 homers and no steals on the year.  He is such an empty average and, when that falls to .300, you’re gonna be left with even less.

Scott Elbert – Got the Dodgers first save in 3 weeks.  This was just a situational save; I wouldn’t run out and add Elbert.  I would add Elbert before Roeper though.  He was worse for their show than Ebert’s cancer.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks and 5 unearned runs.  Holy ticker shock!

Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-5 with only his 2nd slam and legs this year, as his owners hunger for more.  He now has 9 homers and 10 steals.  He’s just about on pace for where I thought he’d be.

J.P. Howell – Ye of the 10+ ERA got the save yesterday even though Farnsworth wasn’t overworked on Saturday.  I think it was just a one time thing for Thurston and Lovey’s kid, but it’s worth monitoring.  Or not.  Your choice.

Mark Reynolds – On Saturday, he hit 2 home runs.  On Sunday, he left the game with a left arm contusion, according to ESPN.  Is it me or are teams using the word contusion a lot recently?  Was contusion just the Word of the Day at Dictionary.com?  Did Selig send around a memorandum that teams should start using contusion?  It’s a bruise, people.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He’s been better than Heyward.  Cust kayin’.

Dan Uggla – 2-for-3 with his 8th home run and first since May 15th.  Or the first home run for Uggla since we lost the rapper of Teach Me How To Dougie.  Good to see Uggla’s finally putting that behind him.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  First name:  Hommy.  Last name:  Tanson.  Middle Name:  Butter.

Craig Kimbrel – Venters recorded his 3rd save on Sunday but the word on the streets of Atlanta is Kimbrel is still the closer, he just needed to rest.  Here’s a revolutionary idea, rest him during non-save situations.

Sergio Santos – Got the save yesterday but he’s now given up 8 earned runs in his last three outings.  I could see grabbing Thornton on spec, but I’d leave him on my bench for now.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 2nd home run in the last 4 days.  An Uggla and Dunn homer on the same day.  It’s a total eclipse of a bad start.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-3 with his first home run.  He went 3-for-4 on Friday and has been playing every day.  If you’re hurting at middle or corner infidel, it’s worth looking at him.

Tyler Chatwood – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he got Mazzacred.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I love him, enough’s been written on that.  But, let’s be clear, against the Padres in Petco isn’t exactly facing the 1927 Yankees in Coors.

Elvis Andrus – Was pulled from the game for a lack of energy going to first.  Ron Washington, “Was setting an example, but I know about wanting to savor it when you go down a line…”

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with his 8th steal.  Yeah, yeah, fail with a hashtag for Alcides, but he’s 10 for his last 17 with 2 steals.

Mike Moustakas – Homered on Saturday.  The Royals should hand out bottles of tahini and have their fans squirt each other in the face after a home run.  It’s Greek love!