Fantasy Baseball Advice

Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.”  First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix.  I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun.  Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use.  The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now hitting .500 on the year.  If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year.  Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH.  Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.

Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin.  Is he now dating Rihanna?

Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th.  Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled.  If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title.  Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth*  manicurist.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career.  If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.

Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  Tough break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.

Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain.  That’s not good.  Guessing he’ll be out for all of April.  All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…”  Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know.  I love that song.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups.  If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting.  Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.

Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break.  His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July.  Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit.  They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.

Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal.  Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back.  Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.

Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday.  My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness.  He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide.  Not sure, I’m not a doctor.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-5.  I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey.  Geez, what did Raburn do?  Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?

Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher.  Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.

Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.

Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER.  In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner.  He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.

Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double.  Yes, you should pick him up.

Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.

Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year.  Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams.   Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes?  That’s what she said!  (Not really.)

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin.  You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last.  Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year.  I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far.  He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet.  But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.

Erick Aybar – Strained oblique.  In your face, intercostal!

Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hodgepadre:  Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight.  So who feed Stauffer after midnight?

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR.  Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now.  I know how sad that sounds.

Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now batting .524.  Yeah, he looks done.  Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.

Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.

Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.  I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks.  He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have.  Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot.  This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play.  Or a week.  Or a month.

John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple.  I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher.  That Buck is a hustler!

Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks.  Oh, well.  He was probably only up for one start.  I’d lose him for now.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago.  I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.

Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing.  Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.

Jose Bautista hit his 39th and 40th home runs last night.  As frequent commenter, VinWins, pointed out yesterday, in the Blue Kays last 162 games, Bautista has 50 homers.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but Jose Bautista didn’t see this year coming.  His own mother doesn’t recognize him.  Every morning he wakes up wondering if the last five months were a dream.  This is the craziest home run year since Scooter McGillicuddy blasted 6 homers in 1901 while battling scurvy.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in twice as many games.  His HR/FB% is nearly double his career mark.  His fly balls are through the roof, literally.  His Isolated Power is near Babe Ruth’s career mark.  The HR department thinks Bautista lied on his resume.  A mouth enters on the left side of the screen and says, “Im,” a mouth enters on the right side and says, “Probable.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Hello, beautiful.  I hate AL East pitchers, but I might just own Morrow on all of my teams next year.  Right after, I draft Daniel Hudson.

Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In the minors, he had a 2.86 ERA in 145 IP and around a 7 K/9 rate.  He’s not guaranteed another start, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him face the A’s next week.  It’s not a terrible spot starter for the Yankees or for your fantasy team.  And he would’ve made a great pitcher-catcher combination with Mike Scioscia.

Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Decent enough start, but he’s coming off 3 atrocious games and has a 5.27 ERA on the year.  You want an ulcer?  Ask your girlfriend which friend of yours she would sleep with if you weren’t dating her.  Don’t pickup Bonderman.

Brett Myers – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Gets the win in his first start against his old team.  When asked how it felt to beat the Phillies, he said, “I’ll always love the Phillies but sometimes you have to beat the ones you love.”

Joe Blanton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Actually outpitched Myers and has 3 decent starts in his last four and goes to Petco next.

James Shields – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Now has back-to-back quality starts, but has a 4.76 ERA on the year and gets the Sawx next.  I’d look elsewhere if you can.

Michael Bourn – 3-for-4, 2 SBs.  That’s now a robust .252 with 1 HR and 27 RBIs to go with the 42 SBs.  Someone is running for presidency of the SAGNOF Foundation when Juan Pierre’s term expires.

Blake DeWitt – 3-for-5 with his 4th homer.  His power and speed are very limited, but he’s hitting over .350 in the last week.

Casey Coleman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He had an under 5 K/9 in the minor leagues this year.  That’s longhand for blech.

Stephen Strasburg – Headed to the DL with a strained flexor tendon but the Nats’ GM Rizzo wouldn’t rule out Strasburg from pitching again this year.  If I may read between the lines, Ratso is saying, “Please continue to buy tickets with the hope Strasburg will pitch again even though he’s not.  Thank you for your patronage.”

Jordan Zimmerman – J. Z’s coming back again.  He’s got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one.  This Thursday he returns after putting up a 1.59 ERA in the minors with nearly a K/IP.  Last year, 92 Ks in 91 1/3 IP.  I’d absolutely grab him in all leagues.

Edinson Volquez – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners.  This is only his 2nd bad start out of 7 this year but his lack of control (more than 6 BB/9 IP) makes him a very risky mixed-league start.  I wouldn’t play Volquez unless it was MLB-sponsored Scrabble.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4 and batting over .400 in the last week.  Also, batting near-.350 in August.  Not going to give you much power or speed, but he’s hitting for average and batting third.

Andres Torres – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer.  Still not clear how Cody Ross is working into the picture, but I’m guessing Torres’ playing time should be relatively safe.  Guillen and Burrell might have some splainin’ to do.

Rich Harden – Came off the DL to throw 6 2/3 hitless innings.  It seems like he always has a great start coming off the DL.  Unfortunately, those have been his only good 5 starts all season.

Jeff Mathis – 0-for-3 with 2 Ks.  Batting .197 on the year.  Has played 5 of the last six games.  Napoli leads the Angels in homers.  Napoli leads the major leagues in homers by catchers.  Napoli sat yesterday.

Jim Edmonds – Pulled from the game with a strained oblique that he injured while swinging.  Same thing once happened to a creepy guy at Hedonism.  Stubbs could see more playing time as a result.  That’s a pretty lukewarm endorsement of Stubbs.

Todd Helton – 4-for-4 as he answers the question, “Is Helton retired?”

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with his 20th steal.  Good to see him run since he just returned from a knee injury.

Ross Ohlendorf – After giving up a walk and a single, he left with a shoulder injury.  Call him Ailindorf.

Jose Tabata – 3-for-4 with his 13th steal as he bats .381 in his last 7 games.  I’m still on the fence with how much I’m going to like Tabata next year.  Feel free to push me one way or the other.

John Lackey/Kyle Lohse – Both have had painful seasons but had great starts.  Of course, it was against Seattle and Pittsburgh respectively.  Those two teams score less than the Chess Club.

The Braves should totally give Derrek Lee the number 01 and paint him orange.  Too bad Waylon Jennings isn’t around anymore to announce him when he comes up to bat.  Lee-haw!  The Cubs received back Tyrelle Harris, who I believe is a male model, Robinson Lopez, who dispenses candy from his neck, and Jeffrey Lorick, who owns the Marlins.  Derrek Lee has hit 4 homers in his last four games and his numbers should only continue to trend upwards as we head into the home stretch.  I could see him getting to 24 homers on the year; he’s at 16.  Do the math!  The real LUZR in this is Troy Glaus, who the Braves put on the DL with a severe case of We-Don’t-Want-To-Play-You-Anymore-itis.  It’s curable, but you usually need a new team.  Kelly Johnson had a similar malady when he played for the Braves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3 as he played 1st base yesterday, but Micah Hoffpauir was recalled.  Hip-hip-Hoffpauir!  Not really.  I wouldn’t pick him up in any league until I saw him start hitting.

Clayton Richard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks as he gave the Cubs a little “How’s your father?”  If only I owned only Padres pitchers on all of my teams.  I love you, Hodgepadres.  Please friend me on Facebook!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 with 2 steals and a homer.  As frequent commenter, Brad, pointed out when he quoted my top 20 outfielder rankings, “B.J. Upton’s definitely shown he can’t be relied on for 20 homers, but you can count on him for 40 steals and 10 homers.”  And that’s me quoting Brad quoting me!  Right now, B.J.’s at 66/11/43/.240/35, and has been more valuable than broseph, Justin.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 with two doubles and a homer.  A la your 4th grade teacher, “Nice of you to join us, Mr. Longoria.”

Juan Pierre – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  When you put ‘Juan Pierre’ into Google, it says ‘Did you mean SAGNOF?’

Gavin Floyd – In his last 12 innings, he’s given up 13 runs.  Not good, but both were against the Twins and he gets the O’s next.  I’d give him one more shot in most leagues.

David Wright – Left yesterday’s game feeling queasy.  Or QUEASY! if you’re George Jefferson.

J.P. Arencibia – The Jays optioned him back to the minors.  John Buck is such a prospblock.

Taylor Teagarden – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in his last 8 games.  Those 8 games, unfortunately, date back 3 weeks.  The other day I grabbed Teagarden in a 2 catcher league, but he needs more consistent playing time for most leagues.

Matt Tuiasosopo – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  For deity sakes, this guy needs a nickname if he’s going to keep hitting.  I wouldn’t touch him yet in mixed leagues, but in AL-Only leagues I’d grab him.

Joe Blanton – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Solid start from the inconsistent Blanton, which is thankfully different than incontinent.  He gets the Astros in his next start, that’s a decent gamble.

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, with a homer and two steals.  Wait, I know this impersonation… Um… 2007 Rollins, right?  Nice!

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, but 5 unearned runs for the momentarily gut-wrenching ticker shock.

Aroldis Chapman – Reds committed to calling up Chapman on September 1st.  Makes sense, but doesn’t add much to his value since he’ll be out of the bullpen.  Definitely grab him in keepers though.

Joe Mauer – 4-for-5 and his 8th homer.  Still hasn’t hit more than 3 homers in any month, but is hitting .472 in August.

Curtis Granderson – He was days away from appearing in Friday’s Sell as a guy to drop, but now he’s hit his 3rd homer in five games.  Maybe this time he can keep his hot streak going longer than a week.

Matt Kemp – I pimped out my merkin for this guy and then Torre benches him again?  Okay, this is gotta stop, or Kemp needs to be playing in 7 PM EST games so I don’t have guys on my bench that are actually playing.

Alberto Callaspo – Had the slam & legs while hitting third yesterday and is batting over .400 in the last week.  He doesn’t give much except hits, but there ya go.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 with his 12th homer.  He’s now officially as valuable this year as Corey Patterson.  As I’ve said before about Pablo Sandoval and my female neighbor, “What a bust!”

Edinson Volquez – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Way too inconsistent at this point to be relied on anywhere.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 20th homer.  Now bench him, you Sciosciapath.

Michael Wuertz – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  That huertz.  Bailey’s set to begin a rehab assignment on Friday and should be back soon thereafter, barring any setbacks.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  Sticking with the variations on the name Michael theme, is Miggy drafted number three next year?  Two?  One?  Talk amongst yourselves.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-4 with a homer.  First homer in over a month, but could be the start of something going forward.

Brad Hawpe – As Hawpe leaves the Rockies’ clubhouse for the last time, Bob Apodaca will be playing the world’s smallest harp, which is still 2 feet tall, but that’s small for a harp.  When Hawpe reaches the parking lot, he’ll turn back and hear noisemakers.  As the last line of my top 80 outfielder rankings says, “Get rid of Hawpe!”  I’ve been asking for the Rockies to release Hawpe for almost two years now.  Finally, we get our sweet, sweet outfield of upside.

Carlos Gonzalez – Was so excited about the Hawpe news, he ran into a wall.  The Rockies remind me of the Rangers.  Wonderful upside, difficulty staying healthy.  Hopefully he’s CarGone only a day or two.

Coco Crisp – 3-for-3 with the slam & legs.  Coco’s been loco.  Seriously, grab him in your leagues before someone else does.  This blurb was paid for by the committee to get Coco Crisp on your team.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3 with his 2nd steal as he bets near .400 in his first 13 games in the majors.  If you need cheap speed in a deep league, look no further.

Randy Wolf – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Trevor Hoffman – Got a save.  Brewers announced on their next homestand all fans would be able to enjoy “Free Whatever Crap We Have Lying Around That Commemorates Hoffman Getting 600 Saves” night.  They’re following the Angels’ lead from a few years back when they had a huge success with “Tim Salmon’s Going To Play One More Stupid Game So Come To The Ballpark” night.

Alberto Callaspo was traded to the Angels.  Exactly what the Angels needed, a light hitting infielder.  Oh, wait, no they don’t.  Why’d they get Callaspo?  To get Mel Gibson to be interested in the team?  Oh, wait, that was Apocalypto.  Anyone see that movie?  I like the part where Mel’s like, “I will slap the taste out of your mouth, Pocohontas!  So help me, I will rip your neck off!  Even if I have to go through a number of metal rings.”  Callaspo will help the Angels more than he’ll help fantasy teams.  He is what he is.  Light power, decent average, next-to-no speed.  The Royals will go with Wilson Betemit at third base.  Why are they not going with Mike Moustakas or Alex Gordon?  Because for whatever reason the Royals are punishing them.  If you can figure out the peasant Royals, you get a cookie.  I actually like Betemit if he’s the everyday 3rd baseman.  He has 4 homers and a .377 average in 61 ABs this year.  As for “Of Maicer Men,” I think Callaspo is more Lennie than George.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David DeJesus – Slammed into the outfield wall when DeJesus was turning a Jeter out into a homer.  He’s listed as day-to-day, which is trade deadline code for “Please still trade us someone for DeJesus, he’s really, really healthy.”  In reality, he’ll probably be out for a while.  So, while Betemit might replace Callaspo, here’s a chance for Gordon to see some daylight.  We’ll see now how much sense the Royals make.

Bobby Jenks – Ozzie announced that he wants Jenks in the closer role, but he might turn to Thornton, Putz or Santos.  Ozzie tweeted, “Fat puta eff up Top Chef Night. #GoAngelo!”  (Speaking of Top Chef, shouldn’t they just call Kenny “Chef?”)  If you have some inner knowledge on how Ozzie makes his decisions, feel free to share.  I don’t think even Ozzie knows which way he’s going to turn next.  My best guess is giving Jenks a few days rest then going back to him.  In the meantime, I’d grab Putz, Thornton and Santos, in that order.  (FWIW, Rudy thinks Thornton’s next in line.)  Who I feel bad for is Bobby Jenks.  Ozzie’s making his beard go prematurely gray.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 and now batting .227.  When he first returned, I warned you that his name value is more valuable than his actual value.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks and has only given up one earned run in his last 22 2/3 innings.  Has a 3.40 ERA on the year with nearly a K per inning, i.e. 120 Ks in 127 innings. Good to see Hole Camels dig himself out after leaving April with a plus-5 ERA.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m going to try a new tactic.  Hudson will never regress.  He will continue to not strikeout anyone while rocking a sub-2.50 ERA.  In fact, he will win the Cy Young– Nay, they will rename it the Tim Hudson Award and he will win it every year.  Even after he retires.

Alex Gonzalez – 4-for-5 with a .370 average on the Braves but no homers.  Wait, did Yunel and Gonzalez just switch unis?  Aw, man, that’s the oldest trick in the book.

Edinson Volquez – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Well, that 2nd start back could’ve went better.  After dominating the Rockies in his return from TJ surgery, seemed like a no-brainer to start him vs. the Nats.  I’m sure a lot of people are smarting from Volquez’s shellacking.  He’s too good of a pitcher to just drop again.  If you can’t afford the warts, I’d let him sit on your bench for the next start.  Another bad start from your bench, then you’ll need to make other plans.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-4 with 3 steals.  Keep in mind that he had a great 2nd half last year.

Scott Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he picked up right where he left off.  He gets a blurb in this afternoon’s lukewarm section of the Buy/Sell.  Stay tuned for tepidness!

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  As he’s been all year, Gallardo was solid again in his return from the DL.  His 127 Ks in 117 2/3 innings is a thing of beauty.  As I said in the preseason, “I bet I’ll be annoyed I don’t own him anywhere.”  Now I’m annoyed I didn’t put any money down on that bet.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Yup.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  This start is a good example why you shouldn’t drop Volquez.  What, you already did?  Oh, well.

Ian Stewart – 4th homer in his last ten games.  May not have been the crazy breakout I was hoping for in the preseason, but, at 2nd base, 13 homers and 5 steals with good Runs and RBIs isn’t really that bad.  Not to mention, he could still get very hot.  In like a lamb, out like a Mini-Mini Donkey.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs.  I’m preparing you now.  2011 is going to be the year of Delmon Young.

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This is but a theory.  Last offseason, Pavano studied a controversial branch of biomechanical engineering and built a brainwashing machine out of a regular old washing machine.  The brainwashing machine shot out gamma rays, while it cleaned Pavano’s shorts, and brainwashed the entire world into thinking Pavano is actually pitching when in fact it’s Slowey.  Then when Pavano actually pitches, everyone thinks it’s Slowey.  Merely a theory.  I could be wrong.

Kevin Youkilis – This has nothing to do with fantasy (like my crazy person rant on Pavano did), but you enjoy this site now.  You’re welcome.

Andres Torres – Hit his 9th homer yesterday to go along with his 17 steals.  There might be some 8 team leagues where he’s not necessary, but he really should be owned everywhere.

Ryan Doumit – The oft-injured catcher finally lived up to the ‘oft’ and heads to the DL with a concussion.  Doumit has a history of concussions (in some circles that’s considered clumsy) so Doumit may be shelved for a while.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his tenth stolen base.  You know why it’s fitting Jose Tabata got traded to Pittsburgh?  He was already a fan of the Stealers.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Got the save yesterday since Broxton has been overused, even if that never stopped Torre before.  Actually, nothing’s ever stopped Torre except a good opportunity to pick his nose on national TV.  Though there’s no official changing of the guard in LA, I would grab Kuo if you have room just in case Broxton continues to be shaky.

Hiroki Kuroda – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He goes through stretches where he’s tough to own, but his career ERA is under 4 and he’s at 3.48 now.  Doesn’t hurt you on WHIP or Ks either.  Always one of the more underrated starters.

Josh Johnson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, now has a 1.61 ERA on the year.  Ubaldo who?

Chris Coghlan – 1-for-3 with a steal.  First Coghlan is ice cold, then hot, then ice cold again.  If Coghlan’s Law holds up, he’ll be cruising for another hot streak in no time.  Then banging Gina Gershon and Kelly Lynch at the same time.

Tommy Hanson‘s line yesterday was one and two-thirds innings and eight earned runs.  Yes, you’ve been Pwnson’d.  Hanson said he felt dizzy during the game, I’m sure his owners can sympathize.  Hanson has an ERA of 4.18 on the year and back to back bad starts.  Try and put a pine tree air freshener on that and it still stinks.  Going into this year, I steered clear of Hanson.  I was legitimately worried about his innings pitched jump from ’08 to ’09.  So sell fast right now?  Not so fast, Paulo.  I’m going under the assumption that you don’t own him because you listened to me in the preseason.  Hanson has a tremendous K-rate and his walks have been fine.  Even yesterday it was an ill-timed homer to Votto that did him in.  Do I think Hanson could still be a risk because of his innings last year?  Yup, you betcha.  But I’d buy him for 50 cents on the dollar.  It depends how cheap you can swindle his dramatized owner.  It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bed wetter.  Anyway, here’s what else saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brooks Conrad – If you didn’t see the end of the Braves game, you should try to catch the Brooks Conrad homer.  Unlike Nix.

Joey Votto – Hit his 10th homer, a grand slam, and now bats .311 on the year.  Someone asked me yesterday if I thought Votto could keep up his current hitting.  I got flummoxed.  “You flummoxed me, you, ” says nerdy Robert De Niro.  Votto and Longoria?  Legit 1st round guys next year.  No foolin’, gee.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Should return this weekend.  I’m pessimistic about how well he’s going to be on his return, but I guess if he’s up to playing again it means he’s capable of stealing bases.

Adrian Beltre – Hit his 3rd homer last night.  After hitting only 8 homers last year, people were saying his move to Boston would fix all of that.  So far, they’re right.  He’s now on pace for 12 homers.  Drop the confetti.

Mike Cameron – About a week away from returning to the Sawx.  He’s the type of player you add and drop about three dozen times throughout the season.  If you can keep Mike Cameron on your team the whole year, you’re just trying to prove a point to me.

Derrek Lee – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  Was around this time last year when he went on a tear.  Not saying it’s happening again, but, well, maybe I am.  Okay, I am saying it’s happening again… Actually, I’m not saying that.  But maybe.  Sorry, was just having some hedge fun.

Jose Contreras – Notched his 2nd save, now has a 0.63 ERA.  True fact, his ERA and his age are the same number.

Luke Hochevar - 9 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians offense.  Offensive is more like it. You can’t even pronounce Hochevar’s name, keep it that way.  Don’t get caught in the Hochevar trap.  Next start, he will drop bombs on your head.

Alberto Callaspo – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  Has minimal speed and a decent average.  If this were fantasy baseball charades, you’d point at Callaspo and say, “Ooh, I know!  He’s Yunel Escobar!”

Carlos Villanueva – Threw a perfect inning as he recorded his first save.  I wouldn’t drop Hoffman yet, but it could be a while before we see Hoffman again closing games.

Jonathan Lucroy – Gregg Zaun was injured in the game yesterday and there’s speculation the Brewers might call up Lucroy. Let’s see what Stephen said in the Brewers Minor League Review, “(Lucroy’s) plate discipline was impressive…. The GB, LD and FB rates correspond well to developing and continuing power trends towards high teen power potential… One thing to note, his OPS has decreased at promotion besides Rookie Ball to Class-A… And I once ate twelve hundred broccoli florets.”  Oh-kay.  Lucroy probably will be used as a backup since he’s still a bit raw.  He probably won’t matter until next year at the earliest.  George Kottaras will take over full-time duty.  He’s not the dad from Webster.

Russell Branyan – 0-for-13 since his last homer.  Sometimes a guy hit two homers in a game and he goes on a tear.  Other times, a guy hits two homers in a game and that’s it.  Branyan seems to fall in the latter camp.  The latter, get off my team camp.

Trevor Crowe – No disrespect to the Trevor Crowe, Jason Donald, Hafner, Peralta, Branyan, LaPorta, Valbuena and Marson families, but these guys are egregious.  Indians mascot, Chief Wahoo, is the crying Native American in that 70′s littering commercial.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his third steal.  He’s batting .300 on the year.  I swear to you, his .300 average made me do a double take.  How has he been so yawstipating and he’s hitting .300?  Maybe it’s the 16 RBIs.  Or the 4 homers.  Or the 3 steals.  Okay, guess I answered my own question.

Brian Matusz – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER as he roofied his owners.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4 with an RBI.  Now batting, like, .700 in the last week.  It’s not going to last forever.  Get in now.

Brett Anderson – Hoping to start his rehab stint on Monday.  He better do some heavy drinking this weekend…. Lose it on ‘ludes is what I say!  Eat the worm!!!  Oh, that rehab.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first homer of the year.  Here I thought the ‘Brist had the mohel cut off all of his power.  It’s still early enough that if Zobrist goes on a five homer tear over the next week or so, he’d be right about where you’d want him at this point.  That’s assuming he goes on that tear.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks and now has a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I’m sorry the rest of you had to get involved in this; he’s just doing this to get even with me.

Juan Miranda – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s got power, maybe he’s channeling The Spirit of Kevin Maas.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with 3 RBIs as he had his biggest game of the season.  I wish I were being sarcastic.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The good news is he gets the Indians in his next start and about every third start after that because of the unbalanced schedule.

Jason Vargas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  This is the kind of performance that elicits comments like this, “You can’t deny Vargas, Grey.  He’s figured it out!  Bask in his Vargasness, or do you fear the Vargas.  Is that problem?  Thank you, I’ll await your answer.”  Yes, the glass is half-filled with Vargas.  Here’s the deal, there’s a lot of pitchers that could be absolutely fine, but that doesn’t mean I’m owning them.  There’s too many pitchers out there for me to sic Chompers on Vargas if I’m not feeling him.  Could Vargas be okay?  Eh, sure.  He’s also been lucky — dancing between raindrops, pitches for a team with one of the worst offenses and he’s in the AL.  It’s passable for me.

Erik Bedard – Word out of the Pacific Northwest is Bedard won’t be back until at least late June.  Wait, there’s a phone call for me.  Hey, June, what’s up?  Bedard is due for a setback and won’t return until late July?  Thanks, June!

Brandon Webb – Changing his arm slot after a visit from Dr. Freeze.  I really hope he returns pitching like Brad Ziegler.

Aaron Heilman – Here’s the thing, and, yes, there is a thing.  If you want to instill confidence in a new closer, you don’t remove the guy with two outs in the ninth inning with Juan Uribe coming up to bat.  Should’ve let Heilman finish the game.  Either hoo, Qualls got the save, but that doesn’t mean Heilman won’t get the save at some point this weekend.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now here’s a pitcher I can get behind.  He has 64 Ks in 63 innings.  ‘Nuff said.  Okay, I’ll give you some more.  His WHIP is 1.13.  BAA is .206.  Halladay who?  Okay, maybe not yet, but Romero’s emerging.  A’la George Costanza, “EMERGING!”

Jose Bautista – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  Of course he did!  Why wouldn’t he?  There was a game, wasn’t there?  He’ll be in the Buy/Sell this afternoon, or as I like to call it, “In three hours so I better start writing.”

Kevin Gregg – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Was inevitable, wasn’t it?  Gregg is the type of closer to blow three games in a row and lose the job by next Friday.  This could be the beginning of the end.  I grabbed Frasor wherever I could, just to be safe.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks vs. the Astros.  Not fair.  Now has an ERA of 0.99 on the year.  He left the game with a hammy issue, but it’s not supposed to be a problem going forward.  Ubaldo eats hammys for breakfast.

Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I wouldn’t own him in an AL-Only league.

Manny Ramirez – Missed two straight games because he accidentally kicked a table and banged his toe.  Here’s what I think happened.  Casey Blake, pulling a goof on Manny, painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it.

Kyle Blanks - To the Disgraceful List with something-or-other.  He’ll miss at least two weeks.  On the bright side, David Eckstein no longer has to ride to Petco in the trunk.

John Maine – Was pulled from the game after one batter because he wasn’t breaking 85 MPH on the radar gun.  I see, the Mets have given up on the pennant race and are now trying to win a jumbo SpongeBob SquarePants at a carnival.