Fantasy Baseball Advice

Catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and shortstops for 2009 have been accounted for.  Up now, the top 20 3rd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball.   Lots of surprises in the top 20 for 3rd basemen.  On top, Mini-Donkey, Figgy, Longoria and Kung Fu Panda, which sounds like an anime cartoon that has a 75% chance of giving you a seizure.  (BTW, anyone ever watch anime?  It’s about giant robots that want to be loved.  That shizz is depressing.)  Then when you get to around the halfway mark-o, the drop off is precipitous. Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Mark Reynolds – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  75/31/100/.255/7, Final Numbers:  98/44/102/.260/24

2. Chone Figgins – He’s actually right in line with the stats I predicted for him in the preseason.  So I knew exactly what he’d give you/me and I ranked him 15th.  This seems like crazy talk from a mental patient.  I’ve said it before, I’m obviously about to say it again.  I don’t like owning steals at 3rd base.  It puts you at a major disadvantage in the power department.  If you get 5 homers from your 3rd baseman, you better have Utley, Hill or Tulo giving you major power from your middle infield spots.  And, even then, I’d prefer to get 40 steals from a waiver wire pickup like Rajai Davis.  Preseason Rank #15, 2009 Projections:  95/5/55/.295/35, Final Numbers:  114/5/54/.298/42

3. Evan Longoria – He was right in line with my preseason predictions, but for some reason his season felt disappointing.  Not disappointing where he would be dropped in rankings for next season.  Not disappointing where he actually performed below expectations.  Disappointing in that he didn’t completely blow away expectations.  Kinda like how I felt after watching the first two seasons of Mad Men on DVD.  Solid, but wasn’t it supposed to be even better than that?  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  85/30/110/.275/7, Final Numbers:  100/33/113/.281/9

4. Pablo Sandoval – Went over him in the top 20 Catchers post. Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  60/14/65/.300, Final Numbers:  79/25/90/.330/5

5. Ryan Zimmerman – Zimmerman could’ve easily fell into the Alex Gordon, Delmon Young class with a poor season in 2009.  Luckily for him and his owners, he finally took the next step with his power.  Unfortunately, somewhere between Jim Bowden riding his Segway out of town and the Nats having another terrible season, Zimmerman stopped running.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  80/20/90/.285/7, Final Numbers:  110/33/106/.292/2

6. Kevin Youkilis – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  95/27/110/.290/5, Final Numbers:  99/27/94/.305/7

7. David Wright – If I would’ve told you in March that you’d get 27 steals from Wright, I imagine you would’ve been over the moon, or whatever that old-timey expression is.  In 2009, Wright pulled his best impersonation of Alex Rios circa 2008.  Numbers aren’t necessarily terrible.  They’re just not at all what you expected.  If you wanted 10 homers and 25+ steals in the first round, you would’ve taken Victorino with the third pick of the draft.  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  110/33/120/.310/14, Final Numbers: 88/10/72/.307/27

8. Alex Rodriguez – A-Rod ended giving a lot more steals than I thought he would.  Now, for the first time in a long time, he might actually be underrated going into next season.  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  70/24/75/.295/4, Final Numbers:  78/30/100/.286/14

9. Michael Young – Went over him in the top 20 shortstops post.  Didn’t have 3rd base eligibility in the preseason so was unranked.  2009 Projections:  100/10/85/.310/10, Final Numbers:  76/22/68/.322/8

10. Marco Scutaro – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

11. Adam Kennedy – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Final Numbers:  65/11/63/.289/20

12. Chris Coghlan – Knowing I’m against Figgins as your third baseman, you can imagine how I feel about Coghlan.  The fact he ranked so high on this list really tells you all you need to know about the state of the hot corner.  If you take nothing away from this, know you want a 1st baseman in your corner infidel spot, not a 3rd baseman.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  84/9/47/.321/8

13. Jorge Cantu – This was a classic terrible season that can absolutely kill your team.  I’ll explain.  You watch him come out of the gates in April on fire (7/22/.365).  You’re aware that he hit 29 homers the year before.  You’re psyched.  You just drafted Cantu later than most and now he’s going to have a career year.  May comes, he’s bad.  You know he’ll get better because April was so good.  June comes and he’s hitting for average again, but no pop.  You’re starting to get worried.  Was April a fluke?  July comes and he hits for average and still no power.  You’re officially sick of him.  August comes and the bottom falls out.  Finally, you’ve had enough.  You drop him.  Then, in September, he hits again on someone else’s team.  Finally, you find out Cantu impregnated your sister.  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  80/25/90/.270/5, Final Numbers:  67/16/100/.289/3

14. Scott Rolen – Member back in the day when 85/20/95/.285 were “Injured Scott Rolen” numbers.  Well, get a load of what “Healthy Scott Rolen” numbers look like now…  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  76/11/67/.305/5

15. Casey Blake – When I went back to see where I ranked Blake in the preseason, I was actually kinda surprised I didn’t.  I think what happened was I started figuring out his predictions then I fell asleep.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  84/18/79/.280/3

16. Alberto Callaspo – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Final Numbers:  79/11/73/.300/2

17. Russell Branyan – Here’s a guy that is the exact opposite of Jorge Cantu.  He gave you all the stats you needed from him then went to the DL.  Preseason Unranked, though he did appear in the first Buy/Sell of the season listed as a Buy.  Then he appeared in a late summer Sell column right before he disappeared into the abyss.  Net-net, natch.  Final Numbers:  64/31/76/.251/2

18. Mike Lowell – In January, I said, “‘Hip surgery on an old doode,” my trepidation says.”  And that’s me quoting my trepidation!  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  75/20/85/.275, Final Numbers:  54/17/75/.290/2

19. Chipper Jones – This was the year the Glass Chipper shattered.  Preseason Rank #6, 2009 Projections:  80/20/85/.320/5, Final Numbers:  80/18/71/.264/4

20. Aramis Ramirez – Not only did the two month DL stint murder his numbers, but even when he returned he didn’t always look like himself.  I blame Milton Bradley.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  105/30/115/.295, Final Numbers:  46/15/65/.317/2

We already went over the top 20 catchers for 2009 and the top 20 1st first basemen for 2009.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool is shallow (not as kiddie-sized as the shortstops, but we’ll get to them in the next post).  Because of this shallowivity (Made Up Word Of The Day!), the 2nd basemen rankings can be split up into two tiers.  The guys you want and the tomato-tomahto guys.  The Guys You Want’s names kinda give them away.  The Tomato-Tomahto Guys are a whole group of 2nd basemen that are so close to each other in rank, it really didn’t matter which one of them you owned.  At one time or another during the season, you probably dropped one of the Tomato-Tomahtos for a different Tomato-Tomahto.  Everyone probably has one Tomato-Tomahto guy that they hated during the season.  I have a few.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Chase Utley – He was my choice for NL MVP in the preseason.  He’s going to be my 2010 NL MVP preseason selection.  Probably will be my 2011 preseason NL MVP choice and maybe my pick in 2012.  Then, one day when Pujols is not only hurt, but plays hurt, Utley will win it.  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  105/29/105/.295/10, Final Numbers: 112/31/93/.282/23

2. Aaron Hill – Let’s get it out of the way upfront, there was some surprises in the 2nd basemen rankings.  We (or you) can sit there and say to yourself, “Gadzooks, Grey did a terrible job of ranking the 2nd basemen.”  First, who says gadzooks?  Are you in a comic strip?  Second, no one ranked Aaron Hill, Ben Zobrist, Marco Scutaro, Adam Kennedy et al anywhere near the top fifteen coming into the season.  There’s the top guys and there’s the bottom guys at MI.  This is why I usually punt the middle and avoid middle infielders between rounds 7 and 15.  Either get a top one, or ignore and take a flier later.  More will be said on this in the offseason.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  103/36/108/.286/6

3. Robinson Cano -  Someone has a terrific season the previous year (Pedroia, Hamilton) and I pulled back for 2009.  A player craps the bed in the previous season (Robinson Cano) and I got excited about them for 2009.  This is the story of my life with women too.  Kick me in the nads and I’ll buy you steel-tipped boots.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  80/18/85/.310/3, Final Numbers:  103/25/85/.320/5

4. Brian Roberts – My predicted numbers weren’t that far off from where he ended up.  Didn’t like him in April of 2008, didn’t like him in April of 2009, I think I might like him a bit more in 2010 because he’s finally become predictable.  Predictable is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies.  Preseason Rank #6, 2009 Projections:  105/10/50/.285/30, Final Numbers:  110/16/79/.283/30

5. Ben Zobrist – Almost surprising as his season is his Christian faith (come on, his name is screaming for a mohel).  Everyone knows the good, so let’s look at the glass half empty.  17/52 and 11 steals with a .297 average in the 1st half.  In the 2nd half, 10/39 in 9 more at-bats.  Not terrible, just not as good.  His eligibility definitely helped offset the regression.   Nevertheless, it was there.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  91/27/91/.297/17

6. Ian Kinsler – It’s great to finally see what he’s capable of over an entire season.  He’s a liability on average, plus speed and nearly as solid as Utley elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  110/23/80/.280/25, Final Numbers:  101/31/86/.253/31

7. Dustin Pedroia – This was the season I was worried about when I advised people (that’s you!) to stay away from Pedrioa.  Was 2009 a terrible season?  No, I never thought for one second he’d be terrible.  I just didn’t buy into him as a 2nd round pick and a repeat of his MVP season.  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  110/15/75/.310/15, Final Numbers:  115/15/72/.296/20

8. Brandon Phillips – For some reason, no one seems to trust Phillips.  20/20 for three seasons straight and he gets no respect.  Whatevs, I’ll keep owning him since no one else wants to.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  90/25/80/.270/25, Final Numbers:  78/20/98/.276/20

9. Asdrubal Cabrera – With a swift kick to the nuts, the tomato-tomahto portion of the program begins.  It didn’t really matter which of these guys you owned, they were all productive at some points during the season and yawnstipating at other times.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  90/12/60/.275/10, Final Numbers:  81/6/68/.308/17

10. Marco Scutaro – If you would’ve told me in February there would be two Blue Jay 2nd basemen in the top 10, I would’ve punched you in the mouth.  MAR…co… SCUT…aro… had a decent season for a guy that probably wasn’t even owned in your league for a third of the season and returned from Asia with pasta.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

11. Adam Kennedy – Gene Rayburn, “2nd base is so shallow…”  You, “How shallow is it?”  Kennedy had only a good May and September and he’s ranked 11th overall.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  65/11/63/.289/20

12. Felipe Lopez -  You would think a guy whose ADP was 213 and who is ranked this high would have been a huge success.  You’d be dead wrong.  So many times I wanted to cut the Fe-Lopezian tubes, then he’d go and have a 1-for-3 game with 1 Run and I’d hold him.  Ugh, he had one of the more frustrating seasons.  How does he only steal 6 bases all year?!  Ryan Howard stole 8 bases!  Preseason Unranked, but he did make the Cheap Alternatives post, Final Numbers:  88/9/57/.310/6

13. Jose Lopez – I usually go with speed at MI, but, if you needed power there, J. Lo turned in a perfectly respectable season.  I would’ve taken his season over F. Lo any day of the week and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  80/15/85/.280/5, Final Numbers:  69/25/96/.272/3

14. Alexei Ramirez – When you’re ranked within sneezing distance of Luis Castillo, I hope you get Swine Flu.  Ramirez had one good month (May, 7 homers, 2 steals while batting .283) and 4 yawnstipating months.  How does he only steal 4 bases from June 19th on?  I think I’ve found my first candidate of the offseason that I won’t be drafting on any teams in 2010.  No matter what stories come out of spring training. Alexei has never seen the ball this well before! Alexei gained 120 of muscle mass! Alexei can go to hell.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  95/22/90/.285/15, Final Numbers:  71/15/68/.277/14

15. Maicer Izturis – Maicer, what goes on?  Maicer…  It’s funny all the people ending the season at exactly .300 or just over it.  Don’t make me get Vin Scully to recount the story of how Ted Williams started both sides of a doubleheader while sitting on .400 for the season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/8/65/.300/13

16. Alberto Callaspo – I liked him in the preseason, but even with that like, I couldn’t generate the enthusiasm to draft him anywhere.  Let’s face it, his mother barely gets excited about his hitting.  Was also mentioned in that Cheap Alternatives thingamapost, Final Numbers:  79/11/73/.300/2

17. Luis Castillo – Please don’t make me say anything about Castillo.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/1/40/.302/20

18. Placido Polanco – Placido Polanco is Yoda to Callaspo’s Luke.  Can we just call these guys Polancallaspo?  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  90/7/55/.310/7, Final Numbers:  82/10/72/.285/7

19. Dan Uggla – Even with how awful this list is, Aramis Ramirez, with 2nd base eligibility, would not have made this list.  Yes, 2nd base was deeper than 3rd base.  Bring back steroids!  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  85/30/100/.255/5, Final Numbers:  84/31/90/.243/2

20. Clint Barmes – This is one of my big problems with the ESPN Player Rater (this is where these rankings come from; makes it less subjective).  I’d rank Barmes as the last guy you’d want and above all the tomato-tomahtos.  I don’t really mind the average, but his homers and steals were valuable.  This is how I ended up with Mark Reynolds on all my teams in 2009 and how I will probably have Barmes on some 2010 teams.  (This is not official yet, we’re still recapping.  Barmes needs an everyday job.)  Was ranked 20th as a Shortstop, 2009 Projections:  75/12/55/.270/12, Final Numbers:  69/23/76/.245/12

Chris Davis has 42 Ks in 88 ABs.  That’s a pace of about 300 Ks.  Not sure he gets there, but Mark Reynolds should be worried about his strikeout record.  Back when I called Chris Davis a poor man’s Mark Reynolds, everyone and there’s Momma’s boyfriend wanted some Davis action.  Back in June of 2008, when Davis was called up, I said, “(It) doesn’t mean he will strikeout 250 times and hit 50 HRs, but it gives you a bit of an idea of what kind of player he is.”  Actually, he may strikeout 250 times.  And that’s me quoting me linking to me and correcting me!  I’m not saying any of this to push people to trade him away, but I think a lot of people thought they were getting a .300 hitter in Davis.  He’s not.  Average is a bit of a fluky thing, but, with the way Davis is striking out, he’s looking like a .240-.250 hitter.  I still think as the weather heats up the homers will be flying, but check your expectations.  Anyway, here’s what we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – Sizemore got caught stealing for the 4th time yesterday in 9 tries.  Last year he only was caught 5 times out of 44 tries.  Grady hasn’t had this much trouble getting to 2nd base since he was a sophomore in high school and was still being ridiculed as Gravy Friesmore. The Cleveland GM Mark Shapiro is one of the more analytical GMs out there – don’t be surprised if they pull the reins in on ol’ Grady, unless he shows he can steal at a 70+% clip.

Eric Bedard – Rudy said this yesterday morning, “Yeah, the Rangers are a bitch to face even when they’re on the road.  That said, you shouldn’t bench Bedard.  Against the Rangers, he’s good for 7+ Ks”.   Rudy must have a way with Canadians because Bedard delivered 7 IP and 7 Ks.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Grand slam yesterday.  Again, this is why you just put a catcher in there and slowly back away.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5, 7th homer.  As I’ve said before, I don’t think it stops.

Kenshin Kawakami – He was dropped in my 16 team league.  And he stayed on waivers.  Sometimes the most significant action is the one not taken. – Grey Albright.  (But he might be cribbing that quote and just doesn’t remember.  He’s also talking in 3rd person right now.)

Felipe Lopez – Day-to-day with a sore ankle.  Hmm… Felimpy?

Julian Tavarez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Yeah, I’m done with Tavarez.  He can save the next 20 games for the Nats (which would take him to about September) and I’m not picking him up again.  Hanrahananan, who also wasn’t great yesterday, might get another shot, but, like most Nats pitchers, if they’re not pitching, they’re the most valuable so Beimel’s looking the best right now.

Jorge Posada – On the DL with a sore hamstring.  Posada was heavily discounted in many drafts this year with the assumption he’d miss a lot of time.  Figure you drafted him thinking he’d get 4-6 weeks vacation.  This is just part of the employment package for a 36-year old catcher…

B.J. Upton – 1-for-4, bringing him to .157 on the season with no homers and 4 RBIs.  Yeah, that’s terrible.  We wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Maddon shot his shoulder up with cortisone next time he gave him an encouraging pat.

Emmanuel Burriss – Webster stole his 8th base yesterday.  It’s not pretty, but it’s three more than Jose Reyes.

Alberto Callaspo – HR yesterday, hitting .379 through 80+ ABs.  This is why I was annoyed last year when the Royals were playing Grudzielanek. (Yes, I needed to look up the spelling.  Cut me some slack!)  So who or what is this Callaspo?  He’s a light power and speed middle infielder who should have a decent average.  Say Callaspolanco.

Roy Oswalt – Bruised finger forced him out of the game.  Said to be day-to-day.  He better have an excuse for giving up all of those runs to the Nats.

Gavin Floyd/Kyle Davies – 5 IP, 6 ER and 4 IP, 6 ER, respectively.  Hope everyone’s already chucked these two turd sandwiches.

Joba Chamberlain – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 Ks.  It didn’t start pretty, but it sure did end up that way. With 12 of the last 14 outs coming on strikeouts.

Max Scherzer – Going from Joba to Jobacum, Scherzer threw 6 innings and gave up 2 earned, but he will never win a game.

Jeff Weaver – 5 IP, 1 ER.  Outpitched Scherzer, or did he?  I think Jered Weaver pulled the ol’ Alex P. Keaton tie switching trick and pitched for his big bro.

Brad Ziegler – Pitched a perfect inning of relief yesterday.  Oh, well.  I was looking forward to the TV movie of the week with Freddie Prinze Jr. documenting Ziegler’s “flu.”

Josh Greer/Aaron Cook – Both pitched 8 innings, gave up five hits and one run apiece.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time two pitchers had near-identical pitching lines.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But heard in the Elias Sports Bureau office last week was, “For the first time in over a year, Bill in accounting didn’t purposely staple his finger to get out of a board meeting. Instead, he chose to slam his hand into a filing cabinet.”

George Sherrill – The Orioles have been seeking consistency in their pitching and now they have it as their bullpen is as unreliable as their starters. The O’s said they were going to a closer by committee. To get on this closerousel, you need Sherrill, Ray, Johnson and Baez, in that order.

Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 0 ER.  Against a young, free swinging team, Volquez is your man.  And he still walked four.  As for WWDD?  Or “What Would Dusty Do?”  After the 7th inning, Volquez had already thrown 100 pitches.  Do you bring him out for the 8th inning in a blowout?  Of course Dusty Do!

Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 7 ER.  He avoided the wrath of Ibanez, Howard, and Utley (not in the lineup) but couldn’t stop the Flyin’ Hawaiian (HR, 3 RBI ) or J-Werth (HR, 4 RBI ).  Still, Wainwright is a must-start everywhere except maybe COL or until LaRussa makes an everyday player out of him.

Curtis Granderson – 9th HR yesterday.  Well, la di da!  Wasn’t he supposed to do this shizz last year?  Guess he never got the memo.  I blame the messenger.

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Was a good matchup for him and he’s good for matchups, so there’s that.

Maggilio Ordonez – Batting .232 on the season.  If Ordonez gets hurt, they should replace him with a guy whose last name is Derson.  Then they can have the Russian Doll Outfield – Granderson, Anderson, Derson.

A rejected title was, “BJ Stands For Blown Job.”  BJ Ryan was pronounced with a something-or-other injury to his something-or-other as he heads to the Disgraceful List.  A’la Lili Taylor in Say Anything, “JP Ricciardi lies…  He lies when he cries…”  Ever see anything like this?  JP Ricciardi always upgrades injury.  Slight arm trouble = end of year surgery.  God forbid Ricciardi ever says you need end of year surgery.  Scott Downs will take over the bulk of the saves, but Jason Frasor will be right there in the mix.  “Hey, Frasor, what are you doing there?”  “I’m in the mix!”  If someone in your league was quicker than you to grab Downs, grab Frasor.  Downs goes… Frasor!  Downs goes… Frasor!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – Left the game after getting hit on the hand.  Supposedly just a day-to-day thing.  Maybe Quentin could wear that forearm protector like Iron Mike Sharpe.

Cole Hamels – Struck by a Prince Fielder liner.  Can’t you do anything right, Fielder?!  Hamels is said to be fine and should make his next start.  It feels like this is going to be one of those years for Hamels. He just seems cursed.

Dave Bush – No hitter through 8.  Then next game he’ll give up six earned in 5 innings.  Don’t even try to figure him out.  There’s a Sphinx in Milwaukee made of frozen custard and it says, “What is the deal with Dave Bush?”

Kyle Lohse – He heard his knee pop.  Headed for an MRI.  Sounds bad.  Actually, sounds good, because he shouldn’t have been on your team anyway.

Jerry Manual – He said after today’s game that besides Johan, all his pitchers stink and they’re all in danger of losing their spots in the rotation.  Maine, Livan and Curly aren’t doing it for you?

Jose Valverde – Said he should be back by Friday.  I’d hold Hawkins until you see a save or two from Valgreen’s.

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 0 ER.  The Harangatuan is back! (About 10 months late for all my fantasy teams he ruined last year.  Old wounds!)

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, HR.  I said he’d move above Berkman for next year.  That shizz is documented.

Alex Rios – 1st home run yesterday.  Glad someone finally told Rios that the season has started.

Kevin Millwood – 7 IP, 4 ER.  You mean he’s not going to have a sub-2.00 ERA this year?  Aw, shucks.  I knew I shouldn’t have played the horn.

Chris Davis – Third homer yesterday as the race tightens between him and Reynolds.

Chien-Ming Wang – Struckout 11 with no walks in an extended spring training game.  Um, cool.  So only start him in games in Florida? He’s headed for the Disgraceful List too.

Joel Zumaya – Returning Friday.  Okay, but he’s still not going to be the closer for while unless Rodney drops a turd sandwich.  Then there’s Brandon Lyon to contend with too.  And Ryan Perry.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER.  Grey, do you like Wandy this year? Random italicized voice, I’ve been saying I’m on the Wandwagon as for back as early February.  How about Verlander? *sigh*

Alberto Callaspo – Hitting .381 on the year.  I’ve long been a fan of Callaspo, even when he was back in the Diamondbacks organization.  He can be a cheap average source in very deep leagues (Think AL-Only).  He has very little speed or power though.

Ricky Romero – To the DL (POW!).  Brett Cecil will replace him.  Cecil has solid stuff, but he was getting hit hard in the minors thus far this year.  Unless it’s a very deep league, he’s not worth a flier yet.

Derek Holland – If he dazzles on Friday night against the O’s, you’re going to wish you owned him.  I’d grab him, bench him and then watch to see what his results are.  I.e.  He’s not long for the bullpen.

Brandon Wood – I got an idea.  Let’s bring up our prospect that has proven himself in the minors and then sit him.  Good idea, we don’t want to sit Chone Figgins.  He’s batting .246!  Idiots.

Vladimir Guerrero – Jayson Stark, who I thought only collected odd baseball nuggets, reports that an anonymous source says Vlad isn’t coming back in a month.  Stark’s source says, “How’s he coming back in a month from a torn pec?  When those offensive linemen get that injury in the NFL, they’re out for the year.”  Looks like you shouldn’t draft Vlad for your fantasy football league either.  This is obviously very bad news for Vlad owners.  Couple of things about that statement.  1) Why an anonymous source?  Is that news that hush-hush on the QT?  2) That “scoop” sounds really ancedotal.  3)  Why does an anonymous source need to tell Stark this?  The Angels, or any doctors on ESPN’s payroll, or any doctors in the world couldn’t tell us that a torn pec would cost Vlad a few months?  This is all so baffling to me.

With apologies to the great baseball writers that are from KC and/or write about the Royals (Bill James, Rob Neyer, Joe Posanaski), we decided to honor the Royals’ acting like a real sports team for the past 15 years by converting their roster into the best combination of sports and acting there is:  professional wrestling.

C:  Miguel “Tiger Chung” Olivo
1B: Mike “The Snake” Jacobs
2B: Mark ‘The Miz” Teahen
SS:  “Iron” Mike Aviles
3B: Alex “The Commissioner” Gordon
OF:  David “The Man of 1000 Yawns” DeJesus
OF:  Coco ‘B Ware’ Crisp
OF:  Jose “The Animal” Guillen
DH:  Billy “King Kong” Butler

Bench:  “Captain Lou” Alberto Callaspo
Bench:  Kila “Kowalski” Kaaihue
Bench:  Leaping Willie Bloomquist
Bench:  John “Million Dollar Man” Buck
Bench:  Gloadberg (Ross Gload)

P:  Gil “The Rotator Cuff” Meche
P:  Zack “The Missing Link” Greinke
P:  Brian “The Brain” Bannister
P:  Sidney “Gorilla” Ponson
P:  Luke HocheVar Erich
P:  Joakim “Superfly” Soria
P:  The Worthless Relievers – Brandon Duckworth and Kyle Farnsworth
P:  Ravishing Ron Mahay
Best Historical Royals Wrestler:  Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Splittorff

Runner-up:  Dan “Special Delivery” Quisenberry