You can think whatever you want about Juan Uribe. I don’t care what anyone thinks, he is one of the most unique players in baseball. A classic character from yesteryear. He has to be a latin 50. Have you seen a pic of him? His player page said 36… looks more like 56. But I ain’t hatin’. Have you seen how this pimp rolls? He works that cardigan harder than no other! To elevate his pimptatude even more is his love of slapping bones, which from what I hear is his clubhouse racket. Ryu looks locked in, kinda like the way he pitches. He must of been pissed when they traded Uribe since I heard they are boys. Enough about what a badass Uribe is off the field, I like him this week and below I’ll go over why. He’s a one of a kind playa’! Before moving on, I couldn’t believe how many songs have “one” in the title. It’s kinda cray. One of my favorites is a cover of a popular band redone by another popular artist and he kills it. And before you think anything, I don’t like the band he covered. I just wanted to put that out there. One more cut from the man with one in the title. Okay, I’m done. I will go back to the misery of having lost Springer and Miggy in the ‘perts league. I’ve been doing heavy doses of the blues, Hank Williams and Johnny Cash. I miss you guys! *wipes tear* Grey dodged a bullet there.

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When is a remake not a remake? No, this isn’t a riddle. I’m seriously curious how ‘Anaconda’ was considered a new ‘song’. Sure, Nicki Minaj provided some new…um…lyrics? Is cackling after saying ‘uluhdisfadazz’ considered lyrics? Neither here nor there for my original question, I guess so really, taking the exact same beat from a previous rap song while even sampling lyrics from that song is considered a new tune? Cool, BRB, gonna go make my new song ‘Straight Outta Eugene’. Great ideas come from the times I accidentally don’t watch Nicki Minaj on mute on YouTube, I guess. But yeah, sorry, lost myself for a bit; title homage is to Sir Mix-A-Lot. The LA Ace is of course Kershaw who’s spendy as all get out today but I really want to talk to you about that Oakland Goody in Jesse Chavez. Jesse is the classic home schooler as his ERA in O.Co (2.41) is nearly a run and a half lower than it is on the road (3.78). It also helps that his opponent for the day is the Mariners who have been an offensive wasteland for most of the year. It also helps the Mariners have been at or near the bottom in team K% for most of the year. All signs point to a solid return on that $7,000 price tag which you can pair with Clayton’s $13,100 and still build a solid squad for your cash games. Even if you don’t go with Clayton, locking in Chavez as your SP2 ain’t a bad idea. It’s better than tossing someone’s salad like your name was Romaine…sorry, those ‘lyrics’ are still haunting me. But enough about Nicki Minaj nightmares, let’s get on with it. Here’s my booty-liscious takes for this Friday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Dude’s on fire. No. Need better! He is a high-speed torrent download of a yule log burning. Need better! He is Smokey the Bear at a Porno for Pyros concert, wearing earbuds and listening to Firestarter by Prodigy. Need better still! He’s a pyrotechnician smacking a sparkler out of your hand and giving you instead the detonator for the Statue of Liberty’s 4th of July celebration fireworks. Yesterday, Mitch Moreland went 2-for-3 with 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homers, and now has five homers in four games and six homers in six games. I already told you yesterday that Moreland has been better than Brandon Belt, Lucas Duda and Brandon Moss, and some other corner infidels, according to our Player Rater. That’s on the year, not in the last week. In the last week, Moreland’s been better than everyone. Let’s take a hootie-hoo at who Moreland has more homers than on the year: Prince Fielder, Beltre (not close), Adam Jones, Big Papi, Tommy Tomstein, Freeman, Yoenis, Billy McDugal, Kris Bryant, Tulo, McClutchin and Sandoval. Sure, some of those guys I only named to rub salt in my own wounds — I hate you, Sandoval! — and other guys I mentioned don’t even exist, but Mitch don’t kill my vibe for the better part of the season now, and, if he’s available, I’d grab him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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I love me a hot schmotato almost as much as I love me a hot Latina. [Jay’s Note: I prefer the angry Latina.] Yes, it is true, I love Latin women more than fantasy baseball, except this week, when I love me some Eddie Rosario. He’s been a warming hitter looking primed to have a break out sooner than later, and I’m betting my money on this week. I know he has nothing to do with Rosario Dawson but I’ll take any chance to look at her pics and this beautiful gif (I couldn’t put that in the article for fear Jay would of removed it). It’s crazy to think she started her career in Kids and how much of a game changer that flick was. Will Eddie R be a game changer for you this week? I like the chances for that to occur and if you keep reading I will do my best to convince you why I like him, but before I do that, one more Rosario Dawson clip for the road… okay maybe not, the Alexander clip is very NSFW, but you can look it up on your own.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Coming into this season Kris Bryant was the rookie third baseman that had everyone going coo coo for Cocoa Puffs. After the year he had in the minor leagues in 2014 and the home run display he put on during Spring Training, who could blame anyone. Yet despite hitting 10 homers, driving in 42 runs and stealing 6 bases for 152 points, Bryant is not the rookie you were looking for. Be sure to read that last part in your best Episode 4 Obi-wan Kenobi voice. In 148 at bats (85 less than Bryant), Maikel Franco also has 10 home runs to go with his 123 points. With 0.783 points per plate appearance (PPPA) Franco is on pace to finish the season with 408 points (126 games), making him a top 10 3B, just ahead of Bryant who is on pace for 375 points. Considering Maikel has played 24 less games than Kris, that makes this even more noteworthy. Bryant is still the one I’d prefer to own long term, but if I had to settle for Franco, I wouldn’t be very disappointed.

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Maikellebrew strikes again! And again! Two homers last night for Maikel Franco (4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs, hitting .312), his 8th and 9th homers of the season in only his 36th game played. That prorates to, like, 189 homers in a season. (Don’t do the math.) Perhaps I’m drenched in jade, the mother jewel of sarcasm. Perhaps my cup runneth over with Blasé like a bored rapper. Perhaps I’m all cosmopolitan and citified and other words Charlie Manuel would call me, but why do I get the feeling Maikel is going to have a great rookie year than disappoint for the next three years? Has Bruce, Heyward, Machado and so many others taken away my innocence? Is that a Black Flag bumper sticker on a Cadillac? Don’t look back, I can never look back. I sure hope I’m wrong, but with each homer by Maikel, his hype grows and he moves further away from my clutches. But, if we are to entertain the insane for a moment, he’s only 22 years old. What does his future hold? Does only the papier-mâché head of Michael Jack Schmidt that sits on Prospect Mike desk hold the answers? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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What is not to love about Marlon Byrd? He is one of twenty-one hitters who have 49 homeruns over the past two seasons, and is on pace this year to hit over 20 bombs again. He has been on the DL since June 2nd and just came off this past Friday. I understand the batting average is something to be concerned with, but even if that’s your issue, he is still a donkey (the flying donkey to be exact), and donkeys are useful… and they are really darn useful in fantasy baseball. You rent them like a lady-friend on a trip to Vegas, and if they bring you some winnings, you keep them around a few days to give you a place to rest your hand. Now, like our friends in Vegas, you never keep them around any longer than your trip. Byrd could be a creep-to-own, so be prepared to hold if he comes out of the gate hot. But enough about Byrd, I’ll cover him below. It’s Fathers Day today, and being that my dad introduced me to the Yardbirds, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t add some title-related links into the fold, as I know you enjoy it and I think it irks Jay.

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Joe Ross was spectacular again Friday night, pitching 7.1 innings, allowing just six hits, one walk, one earned run and striking out 11 Pirates. He  grabbed his second win after coming off an 8.0 IP, 2 ER, 8 K gem last week in Milwaukee. Owning the zone, like a Boss. Striking out hitters, like a Boss. Racking up wins, like a–Ross. Ohh. See what I did there? Ross holds a 2.66 ERA, 1.03 WHIP and 23/2 K/BB rate in 20.1 innings. It’s not like this is coming out of no where either, Ross has been pretty boss all year. In 50.1 innings at AA, Ross held a 54/12 K/BB rate, a 2.81 ERA, and a 1.13 WHIP. Unfortunately, despite his boss-like tendencies of late, with Fister back and Strasburg set to return, Joe Ross is likely headed back to the minors for more seasoning. Gordon Ramsay might say any more salt would kill this dish, but the Nats and fantasy owners have to be pleased with Ross’ performance and he is certainly a name worth watching as the season goes on. Is it bad that I kind of want him to stay in the rotation over Strasburg? It is? Well, how about Roark? Maybe Doug Fister can get injured again? Here’s hoping we see Joe Ross again sooner rather than later.

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:

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It’s a story that’s been told many times before and will be told many times to come.  It’s the story of the Colorado Rockies and their travels throughout the land at sea level.  I won’t bore you with the retelling but I will tell you about a young man named Vincent Velasquez.  Double V (VV for short) is all of 23 and full of piss and vinegar.  He was impressive enough in double A for the Astros to call him right up.  There he was posting a handy 12.6 K/9 with a 1.37 ERA and sub 1 WHIP.  Sure, it was double A and this is the bigs, but I was impressed by the kid’s composure in his debut and the Ks didn’t stop there (5 in 5 IP).  The 4 walks aren’t great, obviously, but he was able to pitch himself out of trouble when he needed to.  The price is right here as well.  VV is priced barely above the slew of relief pitchers on DK at $5,500.  Circling back to the oft told story of the Rockies on the road where they struggle oh so mightly and everything is coming up V.  On the 5 game early slate, he pairs nicely with Scott Kazmir for a K-happy 1-2 punch that sounds like a winner to me.  Fear not, on this rare split Tuesday I’ll provide a little something something for the early games as well as the night caps.  It’s a nice day to throw together an early tournament lineup or two and maybe some H2H games and then parlay those early winnings into some night time buy-ins.  It’s a full day of DFS fun for us junkies and I can’t wait to dive in.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When looking up something with bore in it to link this title to a video, I came across the classic (to me) Clint Eastwood flick Heartbreak Ridge. Oh how I love this movie… so many classic lines that I used as a child and still use to this day. Hell, some are even good for fantasy. Let me see a show of hands, who has seen clusterf**k used on one of these pages? Oh that’s right, we are over the net and I can’t see you. I’ll take my word for it. What gunny Highway taught us besides the CF concept is how to talk to the police, how to greet an old friend, how to be a smart ass, and how to deal with fat guys in prison. Hopefully you never have to deal with the latter. You might be asking yourself, what this has to do with the creeper and the top 100 hitters, and it has everything to do with it. In the movie, he presses his credo on his men to improvise, adapt, overcome. That is what we have to do, because offensively it has been a real clusterf**k this year with so many hitters getting hurt and so many going through streaks like a hairdresser in cosmetology school. Ummm, I might have to explain that last one. When I was in junior college, I was an automotive major and right next to us were all the cosmetology classes. We mingled a lot with the ladies over there, but it was really hard to keep track with who was who, because they would always change their hair color and streaks. Anythehoo, I used to build engines and now I build rosters!

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