Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue. Who was the first surgeon to operate on him? Dr. Nick Riviera? Hey, boys and three girls! Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo. Giddy up, snitches! The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right? I mean, probably. Can’t put anything over on that sly fox. And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb. And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox. If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee. Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious. If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices. “Why’s everyone in my living room? I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.” “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?” “No! He makes me feel special! I hate all of you!” “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!” That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices. Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine. Right. So let him play a few days, then you trade him. He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady? You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders. You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008). Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ozzie said that Sergio Santos would be the closer vs. righties. That means Santos is just the closer closer. Or as close to it as we’re gonna get. I don’t know how much I believe this. Just the other day Ozzie said the White Sox had the best bullpen in the American League. And he didn’t add “in opposite world,” at the end of the sentence. I think Sale and Thornton are still in the mix, but it’s old school to go righty vs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
After seeing Edwin Jackson pitch yesterday, I felt as happy as this guy on the inside. I ran around my block yelling “Yuuuuupppp” like Dave Hester in Storage Wars. I went to Coldstone Creamery and got a low fat sundae that had 2700 calories and I ate it (with extra jimmies)! Yesterday, Jackson’s line was 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners and 13 Ks. He’s now 2-0 with a 1.93 ERA and 20 Ks in 14 innings. Giddy up, snitches! Sure, like I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size, but I liked Jackson throughout the preseason. Wanna see where I wrote my Edwin Jackson fantasy in sparkle dust? Click on that link-a-ma-thingie. Right now, Jackson is owned in 29.1% of ESPN leagues. Even when you consider 40% of all ESPN leagues are already abandoned, it’s still too low. BTW, if other fantasy sites tell you to pick up Edwin Jackson now, tell them to go eff themselves, Razzball told you back in January. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lastings Milledge – White Sox designated him for assignment. That assignment is to stop sucking. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The reason for this fantasy baseball bounce back candidate is simple. If he doesn’t pitch well, the real life baseball team is in trouble (barring a trade). Last year, A.J. Burnett pitched like everyday was Monday and Thursday, because that’s when my garbage gets picked up. The days could vary in your local area, check when your significant other yells at you to take yours out. Burnett was awful, and there have been stories abound about family distractions. I believe his wife got a second opinion on some plumbing. His K/9 of 6.99 was at its lowest since 2001, which is crazy forever in fantasy worlds and his first full season in the land of cups of coffee. I don’t think that repeats itself. Please, blog, may I have some more?
This is almost the end of the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings. With these top 80 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s a few names that I’m really gunning for on my teams… My deeper teams. On last year’s top 80, there was one guy who truly emerged (Mat Latos) and a few who kinda did (Filthy Sanchez, Trevor Cahill and Brandon Morrow), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list. But humor me. There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone. Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball:
61. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Miguel Cabrera rolled his ankle the hard way, didn’t make his point and was immediately lifted from the game to have x-rays taken. I have some back-of-a-comic-book x-ray glasses, but I wasn’t wearing them when it happened. I’m only one man! It looked pretty serious. My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor. There’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging. Though that’s not zeroes as in money. X-rays said it was a sprained ankle, should be more news about how many games he’ll miss. I’m guessing quite a few. In other words, it ain’t good. In other other words, make other plans. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Martin Prado – Left the game with an injury to his left hip pointer. That’s gonna make it hard for his sales presentation on Friday. I’m guessing he’s done for the year. If you wanna guess he’s not, then we’ll put my guess and your guess in the squared circle and let them duke it out. Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know that slo-mo video of Homer Simpson taking a cannonball off his belly? This looked more painful. When Carlos Santana, the future of the Indians franchise, went down in this collision, his knee said, “I wish I were Joe Theismann’s knee.” To stay in the world of The Simpsons, you can see the exact moment when Cleveland’s heart breaks. Carlos Santana’s collision was like The Decision, Part II. Only more ghoulish. I’d be shocked if Santana’s back this year. Hopefully, he’ll be fine for next year. On the bright side, Cleveland, you’re still not Detroit. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Shelley Duncan – 4-for-5, 1 Run, 2 RBIs. Surprised there weren’t any other injuries reported from Shelley Duncan high fives. He’s always so intense. Here’s him taking questions after the game. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Andrew McCutchen has a mild sprain of the AC joint. Sucks this is happening in the hottest part of the summer. If something happened to my AC right now, I’d be so— The smart part of my brain buried under ten years of pot smoking and alcohol abuse whispers, “The AC joint has nothing to do with air conditioning.” “Shut up, Smart Part Of My Brain. If that’s even your real name.” With this AC issue, he runs the risk of overheating– Smart Part Of My Brain, “No, seriously. Google it.” *Googling, reading WebMD, asking Smart Part Of My Brain to translate* Oh, forget it, by the time I did all of that, the Pirates are already saying it’s a day-to-day issue. He should be out there Monday or some time soon thereafter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul Maholm – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K as he threw his 2nd career shutout. If you know when his first career shutout was, there’s a good chance you’re Paul Maholm. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last summer, something felt wrong for Edinson Volquez. He said it was his arm. Dusty gave him two after-dinner mints and said they were “reconstructive surgery,” then threw him for 160 pitches. Unfortunately, the mints didn’t take. Dusty blamed Edinson’s inability to believe. Neverthehoo! (I’m trying to get neverthehoo to stick, go with it.) Edinson went for Tommy John surgery, or as they call it in the Tommy John household, “my surgery.” Usual recovery time is longer than his current 11 month timetable, but all signs point to him returning in the next few weeks. Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s talk that the M’s might punt their closer, just not in the same way the O’s have. They’re talking about trading David Aardsma. Member when the M’s were going to be a contender? That was a fun two weeks in March. We were younger, you and I (hey!). You had more hair (hey-oh!). Doesn’t it seem like every year the pundits latch their unrealistic expectations on a team? Member when the Royals were going to win it all in 2009? My prediction for March darling to June dud team of 2011? The Nationals. But they have Strasburg and Zimmerman! Yeah, and John Lannan and that doode you don’t know who plays every other position. So, Brandon League would take over the job if Aardsma is moved. I grabbed League where I could because, well, I’m a save vulture, swooping down on closer carcasses any chance I get. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jarrett Hoffpauir – Was called up by the Blue Kays. He was hitting the ball around pretty good in Las Vegas (in 259 plate appearances, only struckout 15 times and hit 9 long balls). But what happens in Vegas, well, you know. Right now, I don’t think our neighbor to the north gives Hoffpauir every day duty (hehe, that sounds like doodie). I think they move Fred Lewis into the lineup and start Bautista at 3rd base in Edwin Encarnacion’s vacated turd hole he was filling. Hoffpauir’s worth a lookie-see in AL-Only leagues, since he has 2nd base eligibility in ESPN leagues. Please, blog, may I have some more?