Achilles (Tennessee Mash – RCL 25) had another good week and increased their lead in the overall standings. Josh Hamilton, Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, Ted Lilly, and Brandon Morrow were the key performers for the top team. Their relievers were also strong, allowing just 4 runs in 18 innings of work. Trini’s team (also with Hamilton), Psychic Friends Network (RCL 22), took over 2nd spot while Navseal 7 (RCL 9) slipped to third. RCL 9 continued to hold the title of “Toughest League,” but perennial contenders ECFBL and Schmohawk in Training are right on their heels.
Washington’s Stache (Toads and Wet Rocks) gained 25 points and jumped from 464th to 136th place in the standings. Norce Force (Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge) also improved by 25 points, and moved into the top 20 from 257th.
Grey mentioned this week that RCL teams should be able to keep their ERA under 3.50. Right now, only 43% of teams are managing that. A couple wise commenters opined that all the relievers blowing up was making it difficult. It is tough to separate the RP stats to study, but they do seem to be frequently ruining ratios.
Expert League: RotoWire Del Don (Dalton Del Don) took over the lead after a week where he jumped from 70 to 90 points on the strength of solid pitching. He recorded 5 wins and 7 saves with ratios of 1.82 and 1.05, along with 80 strikeouts. Rudy and Grey each lost a few points this week, and sit in 5th and 6th respectively.
Trades: There were 19 trades this week, bringing the total for the year to 98. Albert Pujols was traded a twice – both times by Al Koholic. In the ECFBL, last-place Al gambled on Ryan Howard and Bryce Harper, trading Albert and Ernesto Frieri to first-place The Fredsies for the pair plus Rafael Dolis. In RCL Original Recipe, he sent Pujols and Grant Balfour to Popeye’s n Beer Recipe4disaster for Jay Bruce and David Freese. With Pujols continuing to struggle and Balfour losing the closer job, so far it looks like Al came out ahead in this one. Tim Lincecum and Nelson Cruz were also dealt twice, including in RCL 38 where they were traded for each other. In Cracking The WHIP, the Dukes of Flatbush traded Alex Rios and Matt Cain to eye-talian backstop for Cruz and Bryce Harper. Team Beardown sent Lincecum and Anibal Sanchez to Bushwood Varmint Cong for Brandon Morrow, Johnny Cueto, and Edward Mujica in Epic Beardmen Division. In a somewhat questionable deal in Cust Kayin’, Pimpin Nipples gave up Troy Tulowitzki and Jordan Walden to acquire Jason Kipnis and Rafael Betancourt. You can find all the trades in the fantasy baseball forums. Look for the RCL under “Everything Else.”
Weekly Leaders
Norce Force was the top hitting team this week. They hit .339 with 27 home runs and 70 RBI, 60 runs, and 10 steals.Not surprisingly, they own Josh Hamilton (.467/10 Runs/9 HR/18 RBI). Carlos Beltran (.360/6 HR/13 RBI), Joey Votto (.429/3 HR/8 RBI), and Andrew McCutchen (.524/3 HR/1 SB) also provided big numbers.
Washington’s Stache set the pace on the mound with an ERA of 2.35 and 1.20 WHIP with 83 Ks, 9 wins, and 3 saves. Their lineup featured Edinson Volquez (2 Wins/10 K), Derek Holland (Win/0.00/1.00), Jordan Zimmermann (Win/ 9 K) and Brandon Morrow (Win/10 K).
Ks: 86 (Kemp Keep Me Down – Yu Ain’t Goldschmidt) Wins: 9 (Washington’s Stache – Toads and Wet Rocks, All about The WHIP – RCL 43) Saves: 10 (Tennessee Jed – Robust Herd, Pliny the Elder – Myrtle’s Acres) ERA: 1.07 (Bang Biscuit – RCL 41) WHIP: 0.92 (Big Cuntry – Ones are GOOD right?, The AmishGangster – Epic Beardmen Division)
TEAM OF THE WEEK – May 7 – 13
Norce Force (Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge)
100/295 (.339)
60 R/27 HR/70 RBI/10 SB
72.2 IP
60K/3 W/2.48/1.03/3 S
As mentioned above, Norce Force led the RCL in hitting, and their pitching was solid, lacking only in wins. Brandon Morrow (10 K) and Derek Holland (0.00/1.00) did pick up wins, while A.J. Burnett had 14 strikeouts in 2 starts with an ERA of 2.25 and WHIP of 0.81.
“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!” Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again. You remember it. When the birds chirped, it made you smile. When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world. When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab. People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75. You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it. A time of joy. Wonder. No Splenda. That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night. And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs. Why don’t I have him on every team?! I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer. Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!
Scott Downs – Angels say Downs will be ready to return by Wednesday. The Sciosciapath still considers him their closer. Downs goes Frieri! Downs goes Frieri! Yeah, worked better when he was on the Blue Jays with Frasor.
Chris Sale – Last week, Ventura anointed Sale the closer. So…he brought him into the 8th inning yesterday. Plausible explanation: He wanted his best reliever in a close game. Also, plausible: Sale is not the closer. Also, plausible: After all of those Nolan Ryan noogies, Robin Ventura doesn’t know how many innings there are in a game. Addison Reed got the save with another perfect inning. He could easily be the closer…Or Santiago…Or Sale. It’s basically a closerf**k.
Dale Thayer – Literally, within five minutes of me dropping Cashner and picking up Thayer, he was blowing the game. You still don’t believe The Closepocalypse is real? He got lucky on a foul ball by Scutaro that was nearly a homer and another ball hit a baserunner. I’m holding Thayer for now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else closed the next Padres game.
Josh Thole – Mets placed him on the 7-day DL with a concussion. Hey, I’m no doctor, but from what I’ve gleamed from five minutes of noodling around WebMD and watching how other players have reacted to concussions. Are we sure the DL for concussions should be less time than the norm?
Jon Rauch – Got the save yesterday. One small step for Rauch and one giant step for men over six-ten. Francisco had worked the last three days, so this save for Rauch just shows the pecking order behind Francisco and some flashy neck tattoos. “Yo, I’m gonna peacock my neck!” That’s Rauch after reading up on pick-up artistry.
Dan Haren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Twins? This doubled the amount of runs the Twins scored in all previous games combined. I don’t want to keep pointing out the same thing, but Rudy said in the preseason this would be the year Haren falls apart. So far, Haren’s ERA is 4.19.
Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 17 years after her death. She had sass, but not that much, I guess.
Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I believe I said in the preseason that Doumit would be more valuable than Mauer this year. And that’s me kinda paraphrasing me!
Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .190. This isn’t just bad for Albert; this stinks for all Pujolses.
David Robertson – Got the save yesterday as if there was any doubt. I’d put his over/under for saves at 32. Over/under for Ks at 110. And over/under for times A-Rod checks out his package at 17.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-3 with his 4th and 5th homers. Seems like the Yankees have been benching him against lefties, which will hurt his overall numbers. And being 40-something. That’ll hurt those numbers too.
Andy Pettitte – Will start vs. the M’s on Sunday. He’s been anything but outstanding during his tune up. Bernie Williams, “Did someone say they want me to tune up the guitar?” No, Bernie. Against the M’s is a solid matchup, but unless things are really hard for you I wouldn’t Pettitte, even though it usually works the opposite way.
Randall Delgado – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. After his last start (8 IP, 2 ER), I said I’d watch him this start. Well, I didn’t because I was doing the podcast that is coming later today with anutter special guest. But the box score is telling me, you should pick up Delgado in all leagues deeper than 14 team mixed and possibly even shallower, depending on your starter shituation. He’s only 22 years old and he could have a 9+ K-rate. Yes, I basically love all Braves young pitchers, but they’re an easy group to love.
Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. He obviously should be owned everywhere. His ERA won’t stay at 1.02, but he does get solid Ks and can have a mid-3 ERA.
Omar Infante – Hit his 6th homer yesterday. Dah! Just when Stanton finally passed him.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.01. Are we waiting until October to thank me for pushing everyone into drafting this guy?
Aneury Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. His minor league numbers are pretty blehtastic and if you pick him up he may give you an aneurysm.
Will Middlebrooks – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness. As of right now, Middlebrooks looks like he might miss a day or two. This comes just hours after the Red Sox announced they were considering using Middlebrooks in the outfield. They’re also considering just using Youkilis as a ticket taker at Gate E.
Daniel Bard – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’m kinda surprised people still own him.
Yoenis Cespedes – Was a late scratch because of his wrist. Sounds itchy!
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers, or more homers in one game than Pujols has all year, and nearly more RBIs. Beltran is The Great Zombino!
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Seriously, don’t mess with the 1927 Cardinals.
Carlos Marmol – Dale Sveum said Marmol may not get the job back. But he has a 12+ walk rate, doesn’t that count for something?! I could see dropping Marmol in most leagues. He was dropped in my RCL and an NL-Only league and no one’s going near him. I would grab Dolis or Russell, in that order. (Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.)
Miguel Tejada – The Orioles signed him. It was part of a deal Dan Duquette made with the devil: The Orioles can be in first place at the 1/6th point of the season, but then you must make transactions that make you look silly.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. As I’ve been saying to people, Gallardo had a 6.23 ERA last April and you still drafted him this year as your top starter. We’re in May now and he just threw a solid game vs. a tough hitting team. By August, you will have forgotten he was miserable in April, and then by next April you’ll be frustrated again when he’s wretched.
Ryan Zimmerman – He returned from the DL to go 1-for-4 with a run. Right back at, huh, Ryan?
Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. For a guy you got off of waivers, he’s still doing okay. Don’t pull the rip cord on him yet.
A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, which comes on the heels of a 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER outing. You know what he’s doing, right? Here, “Ooh, I’m gonna pick up Burnett.” BAM, awful outing! “Eff that in the eff hole, I’m dropping his ass.” BOOM, good outing! He’s totally messing with you.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer. The Dread Pirate finally makes his nickname about his hair again.
Francisco Cordero – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Move your small children and closers away from the windows! The Closepocalypse is coming through! Blue Jays might go to Jason Frasor for the next save chance, but, let’s just say, I didn’t run to the wire to pick him up. Darren Oliver is another option, but, yeah, didn’t pick him up either.
Ryan Vogelsong – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K as Vogelsong plays that sweet doctor’s office music I talked about last week. Won’t excite you for good or bad, which is sometimes what you need.
Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 1.80. I’m being serious when I say this, but in any leagues of 12 team mixed or shallower, there’s no reason to have a team ERA over 3.50.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer. Think this is the first time I’ve mentioned him, or if you’re feeling punchy, it’s Reddick’s bow. Hard for me to get fully behind A’s hitters, but he now has 4 homers in the last ten games.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer to raise his average to .244. Meanwhile, Nick Markakis also homered, going 3-for-5 to raise his average to .246. Member when Markakis was really good? Makes you nostalgikis.
Alex Avila – Will miss at least two games with a sore patella. My pharmacist’s name is Patella. I don’t think they’re related.
Casey Blake – Retired yesterday. In remembrance of Casey Blake, let’s not forget the time he painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it and missed a week with a sore toe.
Fantasy baseball is a fickle beast. It will lure you in with chocolates and fine smelling perfume. Then leave you heartbroken, mad as hell and unable to watch regular baseball. Twelve after 20 is becoming the year of the Aflac for closers. It is just not safe to be a ninth inning pitcher. It’s like someone is hunting them down one by one, and systematically destroying everyone’s hopes at accumulating points in saves. Wait, is that a laser pointer on Huston Street? Watching guys that I usually opine about in my holds posts finally getting some burn in the limelight. It is a strong week for streaming low end two start pitchers. Lots of decent matchup type guys and some guys that are under the radar who should be rostered in most formats soon. So enjoy the week to come and have a very wobbly and not very up-right Cinco De Mayo. Here’s some two start starters for this week in fantasy baseball: (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)
ONE START OPTIONS:
5/9
Anthony Bass @ Col – Moscoso
Ross Detwiler @ Pit – Bedard
Drew Smyly @ Sea – Vargas
5/10
Henderson Alvarez @ Min – Marquis
Derek Lowe @ Bos – Beckett
5/11
Kyle Drabek @ Min – Blackburn
James McDonald vs Hou – Norris
5/12
R.A. Dickey @ Mia – Nolasco
TWO START OPTIONS:
J.A. Happ (Mia vs Zambrano, @Pit vs Morton) After watching him pitch against the Mets, I said to myself, “Self, we should keep an eye on him for future starts.” For a deeper league with fringe options, the stale fish and the sinking pirate ship seem tantalizing to me.
Bronson Arroyo (@Mil vs Marcum, Was vs Jackson) Because of rain you get him twice this week, ain’t that special? Likes to use the method of one good/one bad start. His last one was bad, so there is your heads up.
Josh Tomlin (CHW vs Humber, @Bos vs Doubront) ERA says 5, but the other numbers say something different. And if numbers talk we have a bigger problem. Like what else talks to you? Lunch meat?
Duane Below (@Sea vs Millwood, @Oak vs Parker) I don’t wanna jinx him, but he is unscored upon this year. I bet someone a shiny new quarter that no longer exists by the fourth inning Monday. Still all things considered, it is Seattle and that is Millwood, so it could be an easy W.
Joe Saunders (STL vs Lynn, SF vs Zito) I don’t know how he is doing it either, so don’t ask. Luck is the best thing I can think of, LOB rate of 84% and a FIP in the high 2′s makes him look more realistic and not like the boogieman sleeping in my closet.
Marco Estrada (Cin vs Arroyo, CHC vs Volstad) I see his name and the CHiPs theme song jumps in my head. Now that we are on the same page enjoy the classic fade out to that song. Without the Ks, I’d wanna watch TJ Hooker instead.
A.J. Burnett ( Was vs Jackson, Hou vs Happ) A dozen of anything sounds delicious. Oh… they were earned runs. Yikes. Anything worth doing, A.J does it.
Barry Zito (@LAD vs Lilly, @Ari vs Saunders) His matchup looks like a retread meeting of guys over 30 who no longer throw hard. 7 walks last start as he was in a hurry to get to the Perfect Strangers reunion show. Big Cousin Larry fan.
Jarrod Parker (Tor vs Romero, Det vs Below) Good job, youngin’,, now go do it again and make yourself completely fantasy useful. While you’re at it, give me your sandwich….I said give me your sandwich!
Jonathan Sanchez (Bos vs Doubront, @CHW vs Danks) Filthy, dirty. I don’t know what his nickname is anymore, but it should start with “in” and end with “consistent.” Throws away too many pitches to go deep in a game and, for that reason, he is just poo.
Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk. Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.” Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors. Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner? I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot. Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else. This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases. Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors. Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base. He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul. But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist. You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues. If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now. And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness. Lat’s all, folks.
Mark Prior – Signed by the Red Sox. Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent desperation.
Mat Gamel – Just when he was finally proving that with playing time he couldn’t hit, he torn his ACL and will miss the season. Mark down 2013 as the season Gamel can truly disappoint. With Travis Ishikawa, the Brewers planned for the worst with their 1st base backup, and by that I don’t mean they planned ahead, I mean they literally planned to have the worst backup.
Corey Hart – Due to their aforementioned planning, the Brewers hit grounders at Corey Hart, acclimating him to first. He said, “I might sneak in there…” What are you a ninja? Weeks throws it over to Ishikawa– Bam! Corey Hart just snuck in and grabbed the throw.
Ryan Braun – Might need a day or two rest after leaving yesterday’s game with a sore Achilles. Hopefully, he doesn’t have a doctor who stutters because instructing him that he needs to “heal heel” could get confusing for all parties.
Anthony Rizzo – Cubs have discussed internally how to get LaHair and Rizzo in the same lineup. Razzball Exclusive! Here’s the Cubs’ inner monologue, “Well, if we agree to off Chone Figgins for the Mariners, and they agree to off Alfonso Soriano, then no one will suspect a thing.”
Bryan LaHair – He hit his 6th homer yesterday. Hey, Cubs, don’t comb over LaHair yet!
Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yeah, you should pick up Samardetc. Yes, you.
Cory Luebke – Lands on the DL with elbow soreness. I want to think good thoughts here and say he’ll be fine when his DL stint is up and he’ll only miss a few starts, but I can’t say that because he’s a pitcher with pitching elbow soreness.
Chipper Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Glass Chipper said yesterday that it’s a daily decision on whether he can play or not on his knee. And here I thought he woke up on Thursday and said, “I think I’m gonna have a sore knee on Tuesday.”
Brett Gardner – Shutdown from baseball-related activities for a few days. No spitting or grabbing your crotch for you!
Ryan Zimmerman – In case you missed it, Zimmerman’s return date was bumped from Sunday to Tuesday. Here’s Zimmerman at the Genius Bar, “Hey, for some reason I marked my iCal down to give me a reminder to have an injury setback every day at 2 PM, and it’s not showing up until 4.”
Roy Halladay – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER. That’s like the pitching equivalent to what Pujols has been doing for the past month.
Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 4th homer. 7 RBIs is more than some of my teams have combined all week. I will now squeeze myself into an industrial-sized microwave.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. In our AL-Only team where we lost Longoria, we had Seager back him up. With back-ups like that who needs front men? Am I right, last man standing on Blake Shelton’s team from The Voice? Though I’m simply rooting for “anyone but opera guy” to win.
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 3 runs after hitting a homer yesterday. You say potato, I say hot schmotato.
Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 as he DIV/0#x’d his HR total with his first 2 HRs of the year in a 6 RBI game. He is a fantastic 3rd base play 8 times a year. If he could concentrate that in 1 week and give me a heads up, it would be appreciated.
Kelly Johnson – It was a good day to be a Johnson as Kelly hit his 6th HR while hitting leadoff for the first time this year. In retrospect, it’s odd that Bobby Cox hated this guy given their surnames are equally phallic.
Brett Lawrie – 0-for-4 as the Blue Jays scored 11 runs. Ticker tease!
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer. Coincidentally, this was the 9th time I sighed this season saying, “Why didn’t I draft Encarnacion?”
Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Been having a hard time coming around on O’s starters, but Arrieta, like a true love or a really good sandwich, is giving me something to believe in. Two weeks ago, he was in the Buy, two and a half years ago Stephen wrote about him. Member Stephen? His picture looked like Alf blowing a bubble. Anyway, grab Arrieta. It’s good for your pancreas (and fantasy baseball team).
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Sparkakis! Never has such a good rallying call been so wasted.
Matt Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners. My sweet lord that sucks! Hope Harrison found some inner peace while owners’ ERA and WHIP gently weep.
Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he outdueled Verlander, but Crow blew the win as retaliation for Sanchez’s bullpen-taxing short outings and his pranks in the bullpen that show an odd appreciation for Rollie Fingers.
Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 4th Boesch and bomb!
B.J. Upton – Should be fine after leaving yesterday’s game with cramping. Not the first time I’ve heard a B.J. pulling up short due to cramps.
Chris Schwinden – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros. In the first row at Minute Maid Park was Barbara Bush or as Schwinden would call her Babraham Lincoln.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers of the year. Yeah, and Matt Kemp poops out 6th and 7th homers for breakfast.
Jeff Suppan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Does Hodgepadre’ing know no (stutterer!) bounds? Apparently not.
J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save. Call me when he’s got 4 blown saves like every other closer!
Justin Upton – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs. One of the Upton’s knows how to satisfy his owners and surprisingly it’s not the one named B.J.
A.J. Burnett – 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER vs. St. Louis. Don’t mess with the Cardinals now that they got that Albertross off their team.
Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers. Looks like Berkman bit Beltran and now he’s the new Zombino.
Brian Fuentes – Recorded the save because Balfour’s been ineffective and just threw 29 pitches the day before. I speculated on Ryan Cook, because at least he’s been good, but the A’s look like they went with a known (if crappy) commodity in Fuentes. Eh, Fuentes is just a dog with different fleas and if you think he’s good, you’ve been in the monkey house too long, as Tim Gunn would say.
Heath Bell – Zero recorded outs, blown save, ERA balloons to 11.74. In the next week, one of two things will happen to Bell: Cishek or Mujica will take over the closing job or he will be traded to the Red Sox.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer which was a walk off homer to give my man Henry Rodriguez a win. Like I needed more reason to like Ian Desmond. C’mon, you tantalizer!
Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-3, hitting .293 in the two hole. Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline. “Hello, Ms. Cleo?” “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?” “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you. What do you see happening next week with Espinosa and Lombardozzi when Zimmerman returns?” “What a good question from such a handsome, young man! Next week, Zimmerman will return and Lombardozzi will take over 2nd base and Espinosa will be sent–” Sorry, I had to cut off before I was charged the extra $1.99, but she was about to say he’d be sent down. I think Ms. Cleo’s on to something.
Jered Weaver – Threw a no-hitter with one walk and 9 Ks. It was like he was facing nine Pujolses.
When Ike Davis told reporters,”Gag me with a spoon,” red flags were raised. Why was he talking like he grew up in Reseda? It wasn’t the dreaded Valley Fever, was it? Like, oh my god, it might be. Valley Fever, from what I gathered from Google, WebMD and other non-reliable sources, could knock Davis out a week, two weeks, a month, a year or for his career. Yes, there’s a lot of space between best and worst case scenario. Maybe you remember Conor Jackson got Valley Fever and pulled a Kotchman for a year. The kicker for me is the Mets trainers scare the shizz out of me. They once diagnosed Casey Stengel with the flu and he had been dead for seven years. Right now, the Mets are saying it shouldn’t be more than a week for Ike. I’m not moving him down my rankings yet, but if you’re drafting right now, I’d be very cautious. Anyway, here’s some more news going on in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Corey Hart – Had knee swelling and went for an MRI. When the trainer told Ron Roenicke Hart’s issue, he said, “Corey swelling,” and Ron said, “Donna Martin graduates.” The MRI said (figuratively) Hart needs arthroscopic surgery and will miss the start of the season. I’d be surprised if we see him at full speed before the third week of April. Figure, four weeks to recoup and at least one week to go on assignment. It’s a pretty big blow for Corey Hart and everyone that likes to wear sunglasses at night.
Rickie Weeks – From the Files of “Of Course Rickie Weeks Is Injured” comes a predictable update. He’s injured. Maybe if they rename his dossier the files of “Maybe Rickie Weeks Is Healthy,” he might have a fighting chance.
Jesus Montero – Took a foul ball off his mask, inspiring him to turn water into the whine, “Shouldn’t I just be hitting?” The good news is he was catching. Hopefully, this is a sign that Montero won’t have to wait long to get catcher eligibility. I’m guessing with days off and days he just DHs, he’ll need about two to three weeks for 10 games played behind the plate. The other good news, his punim is fine.
A.J. Burnett – Broke his orbital bone during a bunting drill. This is the worst bunting injury since a Set PA over-decorated the seaboard of The Love Boat and bunting fell on Gavin MacLeod during a dress rehearsal and nearly caused a work stoppage. “We only have Annette Funicello until Friday; get MacLeod back on the set!” That’s a studio exec in the 70′s. A.J. is out until at least May. Probably the nicest thing he’s done to fantasy owners in the past few years, so now no one in their right mind will draft him hoping for a bounce back.
Grady Sizemore – I swear Grady Sizemore’s body is older than Whitman B. Mayo, who played Grady on Sanford and Son, and that actor passed away over ten years ago. Sizemore’s now out for 12 weeks after undergoing micro-discectomy surgery, which is a surgery performed by a miniaturized Dennis Quaid.
Vladimir Guerrero – It’s being reported that the Marlins are not pursuing Vlad. Probably for the best. With his knees, that chase would’ve been a bore. Instead, the Marlins are pursuing Aaron Rowand. That could be fun with Rowand’s tendency to run into walls.
Anibal Sanchez – Felt some soreness in his shoulder. In related news, Grey is holding his breath.
Joel Zumaya – After he has Tommy John surgery performed by Dr. Freeze, he will attempt another comeback. I’m guessing he’s gonna try to throw with his left arm.
Miguel Cabrera – Booted the first ball he saw at third base. Frequent commenter, Steve, suggested he try using this glove. Would allow him to rest between pitches too.
Alex Rios – I think most spring training numbers are meaningless, but one thing to keep an eye on is where people are batting. Right now, Robin Ventura likes Rios in the three hole. Giddy up!
Ryan Howard – Had a setback with his surgically-repaired Achilles because of an infection. Maybe he shouldn’t have tried picking at his wound, yelling “Scabs here” like he was Pauly D. The Phils are saying this will delay his original May timetable. I’m beginning to think we should assume we’ll see Howard around the All-Star Break and anything else we get is gravy. Billy Butler, “Did someone say gravy?”
David Wright – Sitting out the first few games of the spring with ribcage discomfort. I’m not concerned yet. Guess what the key word is in that sentence. Hint: Starts with a Y ends in a T and it’s got an E in it.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Red Sox are saying he could be back by June. Red Sox fans are saying, “Is this really who we’re waiting on? Trade for someone!”
Carl Crawford – Dealing with inflammation of his left wrist. You know what’s good for that? Swinging a bat, if you live in opposite world.
Stephen Drew – Will probably miss the start of the regular season. I’m thinking J.D. and Stephen’s father was Mr. Glass from Unbreakable.
Alfonso Soriano – Said he’s open to batting leadoff. That’s akin to me telling Jessica Alba I’d be open to having sex with her.
Freddie Freeman – Partially dislocated his kneecap. Says it should be, um, re-located shortly. I say look under your thigh. It’s probably right there.
Giancarlo Stanton – Mike Stanton changed his name to Giancarlo. Just when you thought Stanton couldn’t get any sexier, he goes and changes his name to The Sexiest Name Alive, according to People Magazine. If Molière were alive today and not writing a hacky sitcom for The CW, he’d write a play about Giancarlo, the seducer of fantasy baseballers everywhere.
