Fantasy Baseball Advice

First the Brewers fire their manager in September, then they pitch CC on three days rest for about a month after letting him throw 150 pitches per start for two months and now they rush back their prized pitcher, Yovani Gallardo. The Brewers are officially trying to choke worse than the Mets, while the Mets are showing they weren’t one-flop wonders last year. Too bad the Astros and the Diamondbacks just flat out sucked for three months or they’d be battling for the Wild Card. Gallardo will probably only get to the fourth or fifth inning so he might not have much value. Then again, the Brewers may let him throw 100+ pitches until he turns the ball over to Sabathia for the final three innings. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark DeRosa - HR yesterday and then a leg injury forced him out of the game. Ah, the agony and the ecstasy… What? I was being poetic.

Hank Blalock - HR yesterday for the 4th game in a row. I told you to pick up Blalock two days before he hit his first. But whatever, you like to be difficult. It’s your thing.

Michael Young - 4-for-4, I think he still has, like, a fractured finger or something. If not scoring the winning run would help the Rangers go into extra innings and allow Young a chance for 200 hits, he would not score that run.

Carlos Zambrano - Since his no-hitter, he’s been a crap satay.

Willy Taveras - Done for the season with a stress fracture. Back date this to August. Dude stole 68 bases this year and collected only 64 runs. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time in a long time, maybe even forever, that someone stole as many as 68 bases and failed to score that many runs. Okay, maybe they didn’t say that. But here are some things heard around Elias Sports Bureau’s office in the last week, “Gloria, Roy’s secretary, said ‘It’s Jayson Stark calling’ thirty-eight times this week for a new office record,” “Roy said ‘Tell Stark I’m in a meeting’ a record thirty-eight times this week,” and “For a record ten times in one day, Mike coughed “loser” when asked if he was going to William’s birthday party.”

David DeJesus - Left yesterday’s game with a high hip flexor something or other. May not play again this year. Buh-but the Royals are fighting for 4th place!

Edinson Volquez - Likely done for the year. Finally drafting Cueto and Harang before Volquez looks like a smart move.

Andy Pettitte - Done for the year. Aceves will start on Saturday. I like that start, friend.

Ryan Franklin - Got another save. Looks like he’s the Cards closer for the final weekend. Do take note, save vultures.

Manny Delcarmen - There’s more vulture saves where that came from, carcass breath. The Sawx rested Papelbon and gave the save to Manny of Carmen.

Cameron Maybin - 3-for-3 with a steal before leaving the game with a stiff hip. Two stiff hips and he wouldn’t be able to walk out of the bar. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Eubanks.

Rafael Furcal - Was activated from the DL, and got into the game as a pinch hitter in the 8th inning. I wouldn’t expect too much from him these final few days; Torre says he’ll play “here and there. And I love cannolis.”

Adam Wainwright - In his last start of the year, gave up two earned in six innings. Decent return from injury in the 2nd half. That real upside of his struggles this year will be the fresh arm he’ll have next year. He’ll be on 75% of my teams next year, fo sho.

Mark Reynolds - His 199th K last night to tie the major league record. Earlier in the year, Rudy and I had a friendly wager going for who would strikeout the most, Cust or Reynolds. Unless Cust Ks eight more times than Reynolds this weekend, I should have it locked up. In other words, this bet is still very much undecided.

Max Scherzer - 5 IP, 2 ER. Last start of the year and he’s had prettier ones. I will write a lot more about Jobacum this offseason.

Todd Jones - He’s thrown his last 76 MPH fastball as he announced his retirement in his The Sporting News column. Other topics he covered in his column, “Real Men Rely on Finesse,” “Pussies Throw Fast,” and “Where have you gone, Fu Manchu mustache?” Pour some prune juice out for Jones.

You are now about to witness the strength of fantasy baseball knowledge.

Verse One: Ice McLouth

Crazy motherf**ker named Nate McLouth…
From a gang called Piratez With Attitudes…
Sandoval hit blooper, cuz he was sawed off…
With an eye injury, Nate got hauled off…
Just when he started 100 Miles and Runnin’…
To steal 40 bases by Thursday, he was gunnin’…
Agent said, “Ya know, it looks better if you get to 20/20? Anyway, how’s the kids?”
“I don’t have any–”
“All right, now do the bidz.”
Depends on the newz out of Pittsburgh…
But the newz now all about Roethlisberg…er, Pirates who?
I’d be ready to cut lose McLouths…
Especially in H2H playoffs.
There’s just no time to be waiting around, son…
Look at Dukes, Werth, Shin-Soo Choo and Chris Dickerson.
All right, now you make the call…
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, just wanted to announce our Fantasy Football Forums. We won’t be covering fantasy football on the blog, but if anyone wants to discuss football, there’s a spot you can do it. Anyway:

Billy Wagner - Had a setback and now he seems done for the season. I would drop him if you need the room. Ayala hasn’t done much wrong to lose the job, besides being Ayala. But if Ayala can continue to be Ayala, then there’s no reason why Ayala can’t continue to get the saves — Ayala-style!

Chris Young - Took a perfect game into the 8th inning. It’s not surprising. I mean, I guess it is somewhat because he wasn’t in Petco. I wouldn’t hesitate to use him down the stretch. He’s way below most pitchers innings count for this time of the season.

Cliff Lee - Comatose Indians Fan just bought four tickets for right behind home for the first round of the playoffs. “Craigslist, Where No One Gets Ripped Off.”

Andrew McCutchen - Could see time if McLouth is out for a while. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this would be the first time in the history of baseball where one Mick would replace another Mick and neither player’s first name is Seamus.

David Purcey - 8 IP, 7 Ks, 0 ER and ruined what should have been a win for Garza. Purcey’s been wildly uneven, but there is a slight pattern of an every other start where he’s been usable, so make like Chicago and “Look Away” in his next start, then show Purcey’s he’s a “Hard Habit to Break” in the start after that.

Matt Garza - See a third of a centimeter above.

Brandon McCarthy - 5.1 IP, 6 ER, I warned all of youse to avoid him.

David Ortiz - Hit his 18th HR yesterday and first homer in 71 at-bats. Not bad for a guy that claims to be a Latin 32.

Adam Wainwright - After I picked him for September Cy Young (an award they are absolutely considering), 8 IP, 1 ER.

Chris Perez - Good to see him get another save because after his last two blown saves, I was starting the worry. Scotch + LaRussa = You Never Know.

Francisco Rodriguez - Recorded 55th save yesterday. I placed him 6th on the list of major league closers for September because I think he gets the 58th save and then the Angels let Arrendondo get a few as they rest K-Rod for the playoffs. Also, that makes Arrendondo more attractive for those chasing saves.

Kerry Wood - Back-to-back poor outings, there’s reason to be concerned. Cust kayin’.

Paul Konerko - 3 HRs in last three games. Has batted over .320 since the All-Star break and over .420 in the last seven games.

Taylor Teagarden - 2 home runs in the last three starts. For those in 2 catcher leagues, you might do well with an herbal Teagarden infusion. The issue is his starts are a bit scatter shot, so you have to watch to see when he’s playing and then put him in your lineup.

Jamie Moyer - 7 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER. He’s one of those players that I can’t recommend ever. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America and all pharmacists.

Wandy Rodriguez - Left after one inning after re-aggravating his oblique. Vague, for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time we see Wandy is in April of ‘09.

Jeff Clement - I don’t think this affects that many of you, but he’s done for the year. He might be in the Mariners plans for ‘09 or knowing the Mariners they might look to acquire someone like Pudge.

Ty Wigginton - Here’s one that affects just about everyone who has read Razzball in the last month. He has a groin strain, which is not quite Jockular Sphincteritis, but hurts just the same. Will sideline him for 7-10 days. Comes at a tough time for Wigginton and his owners.

Jose Lopez/Ryan Feierabend - Yesterday, 2 HRs and 7 IP, 2 ER, respectively. Sorry to make this like ESPN where every team’s news somehow relates to the Yankees, but… Well, that’s that. When the shizz is on the line and you’re losing games to the Mariners like they’re a powerhouse, you need to do like Angela Bassett in her courageous performance of Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got To Do With It” and find your strength from deep within and get away from Ike. Or something.

Guess what time it is? No, not three o’clock. It’s time for this week’s fantasy baseball buy/sell thingiemajig. Dur! As we move closer to the end of the season, I wanted to take this opening section to point out some hard facts. Arod is sleeping with a fifty-year-old lady. Ew! No, wait, that wasn’t what I wanted to point out. I wanted to say it’s now or never. Okay, I said that before, but now it really is. Don’t leave anything on the table. Or put it all on the table. Or whatever that inspirational poster with the guy rappelling a mountain says. If you’re thirty steals out in front of your nearest competition, why are you still starting Brian Roberts? He sucks. He’s not hitting as many home runs as Ty Wiggington. (Okay, he doesn’t suck, because he is hitting for a high average right now. But if you need home runs — big whoop! Or not! Depends on your need.) If you can’t gain any points in saves, why are you carrying seven closers? So my nearest competition can’t get any saves. Oh, well, that actually makes sense. As weird as it is to drop some players (Kinsler!), if they’re not helping you right now, they’re not helping you. You have, like, no time, people! P.O.Y.M.G.S.S. (Put On Your Make Grey Smile Shoes) Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Adam Wainwright - If he stays healthy, he might be the September Cy Young. Unfortunately, it’s a Zelda Rubinstein-sized if. (Which is about a 4′ 11″-sized if.)

Jo-Jo Reyes - Member that Campillo dude. Yeah, Reyes is him minus the innings.

Tom Gorzelanny - Easily could be in the Sell list, because, earlier in the year, he added the third suck in sucky-suck-suck. Since July, he’s been T to the -orrid in the minors at a 2.06 ERA and .91 WHIP. To misquote Wyclef, he’ll be back in September.

Pablo Sandoval - A lot has been made of his weight. Well, there’s a lot there to make of it. Oofa! Let’s just say, if Pablo Sandoval gets a single against the Brewers, leaving him and Prince Fielder both at first, everyone else on the field should shift their weight towards third to avoid a landslide. Might get some starts in front of Benji. He’s got some pizz-op.

Travis Metcalf - Three homers in three starts this week. Could be something, might be nothing. If you’re struggling at corner, you take a flier. He might lose all playing time with Blalock’s return, but as we know from knowing what we know, Blalock will get hurt as soon as he returns.

Juan Salas - Just called up from the minors. Middle relief numbers to make you feel alive with pleasure like a Newport.

Mark Reynolds - The other day I mentioned Reynolds could move to 2nd base when Justin Upton returns. Look at Reynolds’s numbers (77/24/85/.245/8). Now imagine them from a 2nd basemen. That’s almost a top five 2nd basemen and he’s better than Uggla. In keeper leagues, this could be huge.

Alexei Ramirez - As I mentioned in yesterday’s fantasy baseball keeper post, I fell in love with Alexei and I liked it! I hope my girlfriend don’t mind it! (Sorry, that stupid song is still stuck in my head.)

Jeff Kent - Yeah, he’s a douchebag, but he’s been hot since Manny’s come to town. Get involved!

SELL

Clayton Kershaw/Johnny Cueto/Edinson Volquez/Zach Greinke/Jair Jurrjens/Jorge Campillo/Ricky Nolasco/Justin Duchscherer/Mike Pelfrey/Any pitcher that is pitching far too many innings for their arm - I’m not saying you need to drop these guys outright (though I have started dropping a few them. I’m looking at you, Greinke, Campillo and Jurrjens. Also, if I had Dook-sheer, I wouldn’t be expecting anything from him.). You just need to make sure you’re not too reliant on any of them. They might go from usable to having starts skipped in the matter of seconds.

David Price - Could be here by September 1st, might be worth the flier in ‘09, he’s not ready yet.

Ian Kinsler - I know this injury hurt you, but there’s not much time left. You can’t be waiting around for him to return.

Chris Carpenter - You might get more from Tim Redding this year. Okay, bad example. But there still has to be more valuable guys on your waiver wire.

Brandon McCarthy - He’s on his way back to claim a Rangers’ rotation spot. In deep leagues, I could see the flier, but I’m not expecting anything from him. That’s not true. I’m expecting him to suck.

Ken Griffey Jr. - He’s looked like Ken Griffey Sr. all year.

Chris Davis - He’s hitting .211 in August with 2 HRs. Could he have a good September? Perhaps, but he’s a K machine. When I told you to pickup Chris Davis in June, I said, “Adam Dunn struckout 101 times in his last full year of the minors. Chris Davis struckout 150 times.” And that’s me cutting and pasting me! Now if Metcalf keeps hitting and Blalock returns and stays healthy, Davis may sit a few games a week. Sorry, but don’t shoot the messenger.

Huston Street - He’s owned in 83% of ESPN leagues. As usual, I assume 97% of ESPN’ers abandon their team so this ownership number means very little, but let’s assume just 7 people actually play ESPN fantasy baseball and out of those 7, 1 person still has Street on their team. That’s one person too many.

Adam Wainwright will start on Friday replacing Joel Piñeiro. I’m putting him in immediately. I have faith in The Author of Tonyball, Dave Duncan and Adam Wainwright. Will he be lights out? Well, I hope so. He has been good in his rehab. There’s a chance he’s ineffective, but Wainwright’s worth the chance that his ailment’s been mended and he’s can handle the ball. When he left, he was a solid number two for fantasy baseball purposes. Hopefully that’s how he returns, and not a number two that leaves you feeling ill and burns when you sit down. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Al Reyes - To the Mets. That sounds familiar because I told you three days ago Reyes would close for the Mets. Of course the Mets picked him up. The Mets are so desperate, they went to see Giuliani throw to see if he could close, but he just talked their ear off about the tremendous job he did for 9/11. Reyes will get some saves within a week or two. Probably end the season with 5-7 saves.

Hanley Ramirez - Day-to-day after taking a ball off the thumb. There goes his spot-on Fonzie impersonation.

Ryan Church - Will be a backup to Tatis. Aren’t you glad you grabbed him for that DL slot? Zoinks!

R.A. Dickey - Gave up 8 ER in 2 innings. Which is sad for him and for Rudy who was sonavabenched on his Razzball team.

Mark Reynolds - Took fielding practice at 2nd. Well, that’s cool, Grey. And I took a dump in a Wendy’s parking lot yesterday. You going to tell us everything these schmohawks do? Okay, wiseass. When Upton returns, the outfield will get crowded, which could force Dunn to 1st, Tracy to 3rd and Reynolds over to 2nd. Reynolds is startable in just about all leagues if he gets 2nd base eligibility.

Wandy Rodriguez - Got a bum scoring call on a Hardy first inning “hit.” Wait, why am I being apologetic for Wandy? Honestly, I’m not sure. He was very wild and the game could’ve been much worse if he was facing the Brewers A-team. After all, Gabe Kapler was batting third. Not exactly Hannibal.

Emilio Bonifacio - 2-for-4 with a steal with a modest one game hitting streak going. (Though he has hit in six of the last seven games.) I’m jumping ship in all mixed leagues, but holding in NL-Only leagues and deep leagues I really need steals.

Brett Myers - Complete game shutout against the Nats. Yesterday I said, “The only pitchers I wouldn’t spot start against the Mariners pitch for the Mariners.” That goes double for the Nats. If that monkey from the movie Ed made a comeback (No, not Matt LeBlanc. The real monkey.), I’d spot start him against the Nats.

Jacoby Ellsbury - 3 steals in the last two games. Might be the start of him running wild.

Jair Jurrjens - I’ve jumped ship on Jurrjens in ten team mixed leagues. In 12-team leagues, I’m holding him loosely like .38 Special. His innings are way too high for him. We had a good run. Peace, see ya later. Later? (LATER!) Later, alligator.

Mike Pelfrey - See one centimeter above. He gets the Astros next. I’d hold him for that start, but get ready to bail.

Jeff Francis - Looked respectable against the Dodgers. His next start is against the Giants. I’d go there with JF.

Jerry Hairston Jr. - Returning to the DL. Not surprising. We’re headed to September, he has a nagging hamstring injury and a lot of his value was coming from his legs. Punt. If it’s hurts for you to cut Hairston loose, you have bigger fish to fry. Beans don’t burn on the grill.

Jon Rauch - Picked up the save yesterday. Three weeks ago, I would’ve told you to immediately grab Rauch, but he hasn’t looked good at all. Not even compared to Lyon. Melvin says he’ll conitnue to go to Lyon, I’d believe him. It’s not worth the agita, unless you’re desperate like that kid in The Last American Virgin.

Franklin Gutierrez - The Big FraGu went deep against Joakim Soria and the Indians rallied to win. The victory was also thanks to Kelly Shoppach’s earlier homer and Jensen Lewis shutting the door. Okay, now picture you’re an Indians fan who was in a coma for three months and you just read the last two sentences. You’d be like, “Jensen who? Franklin what? Shoppach huh? Wow, the Indians must be really kicking ass if these role players are chipping in.” Um, yeah. Listen, comatose Indians fan, you might want to sit down.

Closers are dispensable.  Izzy?  No he isn’t?  Kobayashi.  Got the kabosh. What’s next out of the closer gullet - cherry-flavored Perezes! Chris Perez is now in the Cardinals mix, snagging the save tonight.  Ryan Franklin has been exposed, so LaRussa might as well give the kid a shot.  Maybe Wainwright takes over at some point, but wouldn’t you rather him start instead of Piniero come September? As for Cleveland, their bullpen has already gone through more Indians than small pox. Joe-Blow, Betancourt, Kobayashi…. Might as well… I don’t know….use your best reliever in Rafael Perez.  No use saving him for lefty matchups in the 8th when your closer is just going to give up the lead in the 9th. Now if only the Mets could find a Perez. Shouldn’t be too hard - there’s probably a thousand or so in the phone book. Hell, throw Rosie Perez out there.  It’s hard to swing when you’re covering your ears from her voice. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gio Gonzalez - Doooodes, he looked good. I’m sorry. The numbers don’t tell the whole story. I watched him give up the 2-out home run to Barajas. I watched him strikeout some schmohawks. He may not be startable in all leagues, but I’m holding him in deep leagues. In keepers and AL-Only leagues, I’m really holding.

Joba Chamberlain - As expected, he’s been moved to the DL.  Brian Cashman has laid out Joba rules for the doctors - don’t test his shoulder on consecutive days, wear kids gloves at all times, and give him lollipops after his visits.

C.J. Wilson - Told you yesterday that he was headed to the Disgraceful List. Guess where he is now? Notice how I never say, I told you so. But I did tell you so. Yes, I just said I told you so. And again. Eddie Guardado will be the closer. Frank Francisco will be his setup man. I wouldn’t trust my dead grandmother’s life with Guardado. (BTW, she threw faster than Guardado. Still might.)

Bobby Crosby - HR yesterday. 2nd this week. He’s worth a looksee, even if his unhealthiness makes you want to take care of him. Don’t chew, Bobby….Momma Bird will take care of that.

Jody Gerut - Another HR yesterday. Now has 9. Or one more than Alexis Rios.

Nick Markakis - I am Sparkakis!

Mike Cameron - He’s streaky.  5 hits and 2 SBs across 2 games might be the start of something.

Shaun Marcum - 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. For those hoping this is the bounce back you’re waiting on, I say it was Oakland. I’d tread carefully.

Brandon Backe - After his 11 ER debacle last night, Backe seems to be challenging Barry Zito for the Sigh Young Award.  A 6-11 record with 5.35 ERA and 1.63 WHIP falls somewhat short of Zito’s 13 losses and 1.74 WHIP but there’s still 2 months to go….

Jeff Karstens - Nothing like a fresh start, eh?  On the Yanks, this guy is a poor man’s Darrell Rasner.  On the Pirates, he nearly throws a perfect game and is now scoreless in 15.  Rudy still stands by him for his Razzball team but might have to leave this shitpie on the window sill a bit longer for it to cool.

Elijah Dukes - Like many a Bowden Fluffer before, ‘Put Up Your’ Dukes has been put back down on the DL with a calf strain.  The lesson - don’t expect good health from a 5-tool player with a Jewish first name.  Elijah Dukes, Milton Bradley, Shawn Green….