Earlier this week, we looked at some lightly owned hitters in ESPN leagues who could be potential difference makers in fantasy baseball over the second half of the season. Today, it’s time to focus on some pitchers who can give your fake teams a boost down the stretch. Even if your team’s ratios look more unsightly than a Meg Ryan facelift, there’s still plenty of time remaining to fix those issues. So put down those Francisco Liriano and James Shields voodoo dolls people, and let’s go to work.

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I figured out the best concoction for delivering fantasy baseball…  First, go to liquor store and grab your consumption of choice.  Next, convey your thoughts about fantasy bullpens to the masses in a cognitive and fluid way that makes sense to… the masses.  Mission One: check, Mission Two: to be determined.  This week, I wanna touch base on the neophyte in Seattle’s Edwin Diaz, the once highly-touted starting pitcher prospect that is now occupying the first chair in Seattle.   He is sorta the new kid in class, and the trust level to let him borrow a Nintendo game just isn’t there yet.   The stats will speak differently though.  Check the rhythm of the rhyme I wrote and while I got a chance here, let me clear my throat.  For the last month, he has been chipping away at the Benoit salad in Seattle’s pecking order.  Well, now he is the goods by setting up a Cishek.  Cishek in this case is Swahili for “not for long”.  Over the last fortnight, he leads all of baseball in holds with 5, and his 20.57 K/9, which is basically unparalleled by anyone.  Listen, Cishek has the job and he isn’t getting shipped anywhere while the Mariners are in a wildcard hunt.  But isn’t it fun to own the guy who is sexy now before you start seeing kids in the mall all wearing him like he is the new Cavaricci?  Diaz is his name and RP satisfaction is his game, green is his color… blue is the other.  So hop on the good foot and add the sure thing.  While you’re at it, check some other delectable sundries that I have in the shape of bullpens and their place in society…

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On this high holy season of fireworks and excessive drinking, it all unfortunately comes to an end on a Monday.  Today.  July 5th shouldn’t be a day of the hangover and partial powder burns…  So in honor of our noble sacrifice, let’s touch on some chaps that have some steal value.  We will attack it slow so you can read this, and in between flip the burgers and dogs on the grill.  The steals game is slowing down.  Look at the numbers we expected from guys this year based off last years stats.  Guys like Rizzo, and Goldy, and even Ryan Braun all down.  The expectations across the board have to be lowered.  It should be lowered enough that we open the window and chuck it out that same window.  Unfortunately, we can’t, because counting stats are counting stats and it is still a whole category which we must choose to score points in.  The days of steals being a reliable category are long gone.  The “punt a position” for SB’s is a mythical lore of the whole Pegasus persuasion.  It exists only because we remember the days that it actually happened.  The weekly guys for the leaders in the category read like an extra list for a CSI episode, it is not fun, but we get drawn into the allure of the chase.  The chase is fun, the end result is just a let down like an aerial photo of your upcoming date from Tinder.  So here is the week ahead, behind and below SAGNOF targets and guys that are contributing for their teams that will make you give a second look if chasing that SB fix.  Cheers!

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Welcome to the 2016 Razzball Team Previews! You’ll find everything you need to know about each team to get yourself ready for the upcoming fantasy baseball season. And I mean everything, folks. We’ve got line-ups, charts, Slurpees, lube, a guide for beginner electricians, and even a cactus! Well, that’s a lie. That’s what Jay had last year sitting in front of him. This year? Um…a little less lube? Take that as you will. But hey, we’ve got teams to preview and questions to ask, so let’s hop to it. We a very special guest for this post…Bryan Kilpatrick, to provide his take on what the team has in store this season. Now enough rambling, let’s see what 2016 holds for the Colorado Rockies!

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The title’s not to be confused with a Wahlburger. By the by, Marky Mark was at my gym the other day. My man’s short. He looked like a Caucasian Altuve. Steal some bases, Marky Mark! You know, there’s nothing quite as frustrating as setting your weekly lineup and having your star go down the moment games begin on Monday. It’s more frustrating than the person in front of you trying to locate exact change. Use your debit card! What do you mean you’re going to see if there’s some loose change in your car ashtray? Cars don’t even have ashtrays anymore! In the preseason, I supposed that Hanley Ramirez would need to be moved to shortstop at some point, unable to handle The Green Monster. Yesterday, Hanley got a taste of Wally. The Red Sox said it’s a shoulder sprain, which could mean he’s back in a few days or out until July. Yay, specifics! On a related note, a Red Sox reporter from The Boston Globe tweeted in the 2nd inning, “It’s 4-0 Rays. Red Sox season could be done soon at this rate. Losses and injuries piling up.” I’m in no way a Red Sox fan, but really? Done because you’re losing in the 2nd inning of an early May game and your team is practically at .500? Wow, is that guy a Masshole. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Masahiro Tanaka hit the DL with a strained forearm. It’s not related to his partially torn ulnar collateral ligament. So, here’s my question? Why not just play through the forearm strain too? That’s where he draws the line? It’s like, “I was fine sleeping with my wife’s sister, and having a baby with her that no one knows about, and plotting to kill my wife on a weekend jaunt to Mexico, but I will not jaywalk. Those people in New York are crazy!” You have nothing to lose, Tanaka, get in there and shank someone in the yard and Hacky Sack the ball to the plate! The Yankees haven’t announced how long Tanaka will be out, but maybe they’ll try to sneak in Tommy John surgery while he’s sleeping. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Josh Hamilton was acquired by the Rangers as originally reported by Dan Pants on Saturday. Gammons, Dan Pants, Heyman, that’s the top three most quoted baseball reporters. Dan Pants is a bit more optimistic than me for Hamilton’s return to the Land of Spurs, Twinkie-frying and hats with gigantism. I wouldn’t own Hamilton unless I had a free DL spot and don’t expect much from him. I’ve chimed this triangle before, but have you recently seen Brett Butler? She looks like she’s 89 years old. She’s 57. Have you seen Lohan recently? She looks like she’s 50; she’s 28. Haley Joel Osment just looks awful, I don’t know if he was an addict. Addicts age poorly. Hamilton, 33, has the body of a 60-year-old. Breaking down left and right just getting out of bed. He says he’ll be back in a few weeks, but he’ll go down to another injury, and then when the doctor goes to prescribe something, Hamilton won’t be able to take it due to his addictions and he’ll be back on the DL. It’s a feel-good story (if the only other stories you’ve ever heard involve Amanda Bynes), but I wouldn’t bother. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Imagine a world without Greg Holland.  Okay, got it… because it’s here… sorta.  There would be no tulip or windmill jokes and Wade Davis would basically be the freaking mac.  I was interested to see what his numbers really were, since he basically became a full time reliever towards the end of the 2013 season, and up to this date thus far in the season. So over the 89 innings of relief work, he has allowed 42 hits, 9 ER, and K/BB rate of 124/28.  I don’t curse very often, but holy sh*t.  The best thing about him is that he doesn’t have to be all-pressured to be the closer if he doesn’t want to.  Kinda like the cool kids in school, they sometime bring books to class or they just punch a juke box and say words that word normally sound like a euphemism for IBS.  I am by no means wishing Greg an injury-riddled year because, irregardless, Wade is going to do what he do.  He is far and away the most important reliever in baseball, argue that if you want… you will lose, but it’s fun to argue.  Enjoy the week’s closer updates and rankings…

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The closer carousel continues to spin round and round. In the season’s first week, Joaquin Benoit’s ride ended abruptly in the fallout of the Craig Kimbrel trade and Jason Grilli climbed aboard to take his place. This week, thanks to the early season struggles of 42 year old former closer LaTroy Hawkins, Adam Ottavino (+83.9%) became the new 9th inning reliever for the Rockies and was the most added player in fantasy baseball. A Rockies reliever? Awesome! Why don’t I just pick up Kelly Gregg and put my ratios out of their misery? That’s your Coors Field park factor voice playing devil’s advocate. When you consider Ottavino’s abilities to keep the ball on the ground (62.5% GB% this season in 6.1 IP – small sample size alert!; 45.6% career), rack up the strikeouts (54.6% K% this season; 25.7% in 2014), and limit his walks allowed (4.6% BB% this year; 5.9% in 2014), the Coors concern is somewhat alleviated. He also appears to have ditched his ineffective change-up in favor of a cutter to keep left-handed hitters honest and improve his split issues against that side. Factor it all in and he looks like a potential top 10 closer this year and an early treasure for fantasy owners. “In Ottavino, there is truth…” Here are a couple of this week’s other big adds and drops in fantasy baseball:

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Steamer/Razzball projections are at or near the top with the best projections in baseball. Not the best at our site, that’s easy, they are. They’re the best when people drop nerd science with coefficients and variables and charts and graphs and other shizz I don’t understand. Articles have been done, things have been written, nerds have yelled at their mothers to not bother them right now. Steamer/Razzball projections are great. They were the best free baseball projections last year. Those projections drive the Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-Tron and our other tools. What in the effy-eff does this effy-eff have to do with effin’ anything? Those projections gave three players a 20/20 season Mike Trout, Carlos Gomez and Steven Souza. I just got goose-pimplies writing that. Seriously, feel my arm. That’s not my arm! Hey now! Souza could only hit .240, but there’s no reason why he is only owned in 19% of ESPN leagues. Well, there is a reason, but I don’t want to insult anyone. That ownership number is a miscarriage of fantasy justice. You, the great people of the world, raise your mouse-clicky hand. First, put down the Krimpet, you have butterscotch frosting on your fingers. Just put it down on your desk for a second, no one’s going to take it. People don’t even want to be near you when you’re eating. Okay, now take your recently freed-up hand and go to your waivers and grab Souza. It’s your duty. Hehe, I said duty. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

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