Okay, so it’s not the best 2012 fantasy baseball team, but, man, that title sings, right? This is the best 2012 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2012 fantasy baseball and top 300 for 2012 fantasy baseball. Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different. If I took Longoria in the 1st round, everything after it would change. For this exercise, I’m taking Swiggy first, because, well, I have him first overall. Then once I take him at number one, I can’t take another player until the 24th pick, then choose two players within the next 24 picks, then 2 players in the next 24 picks and so on until the end of the top 100. Just like a snake draft. It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Halladay, Verlander and Kershaw in the first round and I was able to take Longoria in the 2nd round, but since Miggy and him are in my first 10 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both. Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100′s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken. People tend to look at team need over value. So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks, rather than every 24 picks. That’s to account for the wide margin between ADP and where players are drafted. Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 100, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team. Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward. It should still be my ideal team… Or not. Let’s see, shall we? Bee tee dubya, this team is 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 Bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues that are signing up still. Anyway, here’s the best 2012 fantasy baseball team:
C: Joe Mauer (10)
1B: Miggy Cabrera (1)
2B: Chase Utley (5)
3B: David Wright (2)
SS: Dee Gordon (15)
MI: Zack Cozart (16)
CI: Adam Lind (7)
OF: Jay Bruce (3)
OF: Drew Stubbs (6)
OF: Andre Ethier (8)
OF: Torii Hunter (12)
OF: Lorenzo Cain (17)
UTIL: Chris Heisey (25)
P: Madison Bumgarner (4)
P: Anibal Sanchez (9)
P: Matt Moore (11)
P: Jhoulys Chacin (13)
P: Ryan Madson (14)
P: Mike Minor (18)
P: Jordan Walden (19)
P: Kyle Farnsworth (20)
P: Brad Peacock (21)
BENCH:
P: Ted Lilly (22)
P: Jim Johnson (23)
P: Aroldis Chapman (24)
So what do we learn from that in the most general sense? You don’t have to draft pitchers early. For those looking at my staff and thinking it won’t compete, my last year’s staff when I did this dream team post was:
P: Jon Lester (5)
P: Dan Haren (8)
P: John Axford (13)
P: Daniel Hudson (12)
P: Jhoulys Chacin (14)
P: Chris Perez (15)
P: Craig Kimbrel (17)
P: Mike Minor (18)
P: Jordan Zimmermann (19)
BENCH:
P: Ryan Madson (20)
P: Jason Motte (21)
P: Rafael Soriano (22)
You can switch Mike Minor out of there for Beachy too, because once he was in the rotation I switched the two of them on all of my teams. As I’ve said in the past, I may not know a damn thing, but I can pick a pitching staff. Seriously, Lester, Haren, Hudson and Chacin were all you needed. Then you throw in Beachy, Madson, Kimbrel and Axford and you have 12′s in every pitching category. And that’s not considering you could’ve dropped Soriano and picked up a great waiver wire guy. This shows you that you need to really load up on hitters early, because, as much as you like that late-round-flyer man in the 18th round to be your corner guy, it’s probably not gonna work out for you. Make sure you have at least two outfielders, a 2nd baseman, 3rd baseman and 1st baseman in the first ten rounds. In my team above, I even reached way down for Ethier in the 8th round because I wanted to make sure I had an extra bat. Also, I find myself grabbing Mauer this year to offset Stubbs and other average drains. No one’s getting anything from catcher, so may as well get some average there if he comes at the right price. I am not reaching for him. If he’s there in the 9th to 10th rounds, great. In the end, this really is just an exercise. It’s fun though! For me. So what do you think of my fantasy fantasy team? Don’t like it? Go to the top 300 and make up your own fantasy fantasy team and post it in the comments. Or not. Decisions, decisions!
The top 10 and top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball are in the bag, along with the top 20 catchers and your receipt for a $30 massage valued at $50. Thanks, Groupon! Today, Razzhands, we look at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball. All this shizz can be found under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings. Don’t believe me? Click the link. This top 20 list of 1st basemen is bursting at the seams like you at a Hometown Buffet. Speaking of gorging yourself, I’d like a top 1st baseman on my team in 2012, but it’s a little different year than last year. There’s actually only 5 top first basemen then caveats on number 6 (Te(i)x) through 9, then there’s some interesting flyers a bit later. I have a feeling 2013′s rankings are going to see major shifts with some guys that are lower on this ranking sheet moving up. Should be a fun year for first basemen and one where you can take a bit more risk than previous years. This list will get additional 1st basemen added to it in the way of sleeper posts. As with the other rankings, the first basemen are broken up into tiers with my projections included. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball:
6. Mark Teixeira – See top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Mark Teixeira’s projections. This is actually a new tier. This tier goes from here until Michael Young. I call this tier, “Caterpillars. Tier name will be explained in the Young blurb. Feel free to read Young’s blurb then return here. Hey, back already?! Awesome! I missed you. Do you enjoy cuddling?”
7. Paul Konerko – He’s been wildly consistent. In 2008 when he hit only 22 homers, it looks like the anomaly. If I were to say 2012 is the year he gets old and it all falls apart, I’d just be guessing. Last year he hit hardly any doubles, more line drives and singles, but he’s also getting smarter cutting his K-rate and increasing his walk rate. The biggest hurdle Konerko is going to have this year is keeping his will to play as the team folds on Opening Day. Maybe Hawk can work in some of his positivism in the negativity. “This is the fastest a team has ever been out of contention! You can put it on the board… We gone!” 2012 Projections: 85/29/100/.290
8. Lance Berkman – Let’s see if you can pick out the number that doesn’t belong, these are his homer totals from 2009 to 2011 — 25, 14, 31. If you said 14, you’re a believer. Feel free to draft Berkman. If you said 31, you’re in my camp. We will not be drafting Berkman. If you said 27, that wasn’t a choice. Berkman didn’t necessarily have an odd year for homers per fly balls. He made solid contact, reducing his ground balls, but he’s 36 years old and missing Pujols. That’s enough for me to avoid. 2012 Projections: 80/24/95/.275/3
9. Michael Young – This tier is filled with some older shorties, huh? Go, shorty, it’s your 35th birthday; we gonna party like it’s your 35th birthday! As I kinda said in the opening paragraph, the 1st basemen in 2012 are about to go caterpillar up in here and morph into a butterfly, but with that butterfly emerging from its cocoon Don Ameche-style, it needs to shed its caterpillar skin (can you tell I did well in my college science courses?). This tier is gonna leave behind some caterpillar skin that will be released into the garden and turn into a new plant and/or Eric Hosmer. (Again, not a science major.) To explain all of this without the confusing metaphor, guys in this tier are getting old and will make way for guys in the next tier for next year. As for Young, I don’t like him because he only gives average, and, while that’s been consistently solid in his career, he still got lucky last year and he’s due to hit a lot closer to .300 than .340. Projections: 75/15/90/.310/5
10. Carlos Santana – Here comes the fun! Can you feel the excitement? It’s like that time we got together and did the crab circle dance in the pool in Cabo San Lucas and all our roommates were there except Zach and Ashley — but who needs them anyway?! This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Butler. I call this tier, “The crab circle in Cabo San Lucas.” Is that too specific a reference? You guys and three girl readers get it. See the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball to see Carlos Santana’s projections.
11. Eric Hosmer – I’m ignoring sophomore jinxes like I ignored when my whole sophomore class saw me get depantsed and I had on dirty tightie-whities. I continue to stress that they were once all brown underwear that got bleached. Hosmer is going to be special, and even if it’s not this year, he’s going to hold trade value through the season unless his bottom really falls out, which I don’t envision happening. His commitment to stealing around ten bases will keep him from totally flopping. He will be Joey Votto-lite this year. How lite is the only question. I don’t think it’ll be that lite. BTW, you know who’s Billy Butler-lite? Kirstie Alley. 2012 Projections: 85/25/95/.280/10
12. Michael Morse – I think Morse just had his best season, but I also don’t think he’s gonna fall like, say, Ryan Ludwick of a few years ago, to mention a player that was old for a prospect, broke out then went back to obscurity. Speaking of which, when you get robbed in a parking garage and the security guard tells the police they didn’t hear anything, you tell them they’re more like obscurity! Store it away for when it’s applicable. Morse had the trappings* of a breakout but his health always got in the way. I’m excited to watch the Nats this year and Morse should be smack dab in the middle of it. *I have no idea if I used trappings right but it sounded pretty cool the way I just threw it out there, right? 2012 Projections: 80/27/90/.275/3
13. Michael Cuddyer – Gets away from Hubert H. Homerfree Dome and goes to Coors. Boom goes the dynamite! Or does it? Cuddyer just had a solid season, and terrific when compared to the team around him. Jack Wilson would’ve looked good in that Minnesota mucky muck last year. Cuddyer hits a ton of ground balls and he’s not a huge homer threat. I’d say if he repeats his 2011, it’s a win for him and his fantasy owners, especially since he has 2nd base eligibility in some leagues (17 games). Check your rules first before you draft him for 2nd, then think about how you’re checking rules for fantasy baseball. And you wonder why you have no success with the ladies. 2012 Projections: 75/22/85/.275/5
14. Mark Reynolds – His K-rate is kinda comical. He’s a terrible real baseball player. But real baseball is for real athletes. What kind of crap is that?! Give me a computer, an ergonomic chair and some Doritos, I’m playing fantasy baseball! As long as Mini Donkey continues to hit 35 homers and steal 7-10 bases, he has solid fantasy value, just don’t draft Krispie Young, Adam Dunn or any other low average guys with him. Actually, don’t draft Adam Dunn at all. 2012 Projections: 75/35/90/.230/7
15. Adam Lind – The reason why I still go back to Lind no matter how many times he kicks my metaphorical puppy is because he’s capable of 35+ homers. Also, he got a bad rap in 2010 for being a guy that comes with a poor average, but he’s not that, y’all! He’s around a .260 guy with neutral luck. That’s a’ight, and a’ight is better than just a’ight but not quite a’ight a’ight. Want a silly prediction that has no basis in science or fact? Lind’s gonna be a top three finisher in 2012 for MVP. 2012 Projections: 90/32/105/.270 (<–crazy optimistic, but whatevs)
15 1/2. Billy Butler – I gave Butler a half ranking because he only has 11 games at 1st base. In Yahoo leagues, you can place The Moob Man at 1st. I’d use two hands so one moob doesn’t feel neglected. Yes, Butler’s in the exciting tier, but I worry that Butler will only get 17 or less homers with a bad case of blimpotence. But II, The Return of But, at 26 years old I think we can trust he’ll hover closer to 20 ding dongs. Butler, “Did someone say ding dongs?!” 2012 Projections: 90/20/100/.300
16. Ryan Howard – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “Some major question marks, but a chance for nice dividends.” Howard will move in the rankings at some point in the preseason when we know exactly when he’s gonna return. If he’s back by the end of April, he hits 25-30 homers and is worth stashing. If he’s not due back until midseason, I wouldn’t even bother drafting him and would drop him off this list completely. I don’t believe in DL’ing players for months in redraft leagues. For example, think about how many years you drafted Brandon Webb waiting for him to return from injury. Yeah, that worked out well. 2012 Projections: 70/28/100/.260 (returning on May 1st)
18. Ike Davis – Last year, Ike took so many hits on the DL; somewhere Tina Turner was smiling. Davis says his ankle will be good to go for Spring Training. I say, just keep him away from the Mets doctors. From this tier, I’d say Davis has the biggest chance to shoot up the rankings for next year. Or he could have one setback and miss another three months. 2012 Projections: 85/22/90/.280
19. Mark Trumbo – When I went over Albert Pujols’s signing, I also covered Trumbo’s question mark. As long as Abreu, Double I and Kendrys are shooting the shizz and talking about the good old times, Trumbo’s either playing 3rd or in trouble of losing playing time. 3rd base would be great, but his defense might give Scioscia the gas face. I really can’t see someone who gave Jeff Mathis 1360 plate appearances in 5 years playing Trumbo at third. That’s a huge question mark. If Trumbo can get 500 plate appearances, then I’d happily draft him. Remember a platoon player at catcher is doable for fantasy, but at 1st or even at corner you need stats. Projections: 60/25/75/.260/7 (500 PAs)
20. Paul Goldschmidt – I already went over my Paul Goldschmidt fantasy. I wrote it while rooting for Garfield from Parking Wars to boot a car. 2012 Projections: 75/27/85/.245/7
After the top 20 1st basemen, there’s a lot of names but these stand out:
Kendrys Morales – Might not be a bigger question mark on this entire list. Ryan Howard could be out for a while, but if he returns, you should get decent production. Kendrys might return and still be crizzap. Or he might return and platoon with Abreu or Trumbo or Wells. Or he might return and be valuable. You got more variables than an episode of Mythbusters. Boom! I’m bigger on basic cable than Chumlee! 2012 Projections: 65/22/75/.290
Justin Morneau – This is one question mark that I’m not drafting anywhere. This schmohawk can come to my house and make me a perfectly medium-rare steak with the most amazing compound butter and I won’t go near him because, after last year, his steak will probably give me an immediate heart attack. 2012 Projections: 60/17/75/.285
Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) can give you modest power and solid counting stats. Plus, you can pretend you have a girl on your team. You ask why he’s not ranked and I answer that he is. He’s ranked just after Morneau. Him and Morneau are a bit of a toss-up, but Morneau has an outside chance at bigger power numbers. Gaby has a better chance of actually playing a full season. 2012 Projections: 65/20/85/.265/3
Freddie Freeman – I don’t look forward to drafting Freeman. So much so, I won’t draft him. So much so much so, I didn’t even rank him. He’s not ranked. He’s just blurbed here. He’s too much James Loney for my taste. He has a slightly off year on power and you’re gonna be lucky to get 17 homers. Belch called and said burp. 2012 Projections: 60/19/75/.280/3
Yonder Alonso – I took all the prospect reports on Alonso and put through my supercomputer and out came, “Should develop into a 20+ homer hitter with a great eye. Padres TV can save time by eliminating instant replay because he runs like he’s in slow mo.” I liked Yonder a lot more when he was on the Reds with no starting job than on the Padres with a starting job. It’s just so hard to get excited about a hitter’s upside in Petco. 2012 Projections: 55/16/70/.280
Justin Smoak – I’m letting someone else take the Smoak gamble this year. Until he hits 25+ homers, I don’t want to mess with his .240-ish average. Call me crazy. You, “Crazy.” 2012 Projections: 55/18/65/.245
Carlos Pena – Looking for someone this year that can do what Adam Dunn did last year? Look no further! He signed with the Rays, but it doesn’t matter. He is what he is everywhere he plays. I will now slap myself hard across the face for saying a variation of “it is what it is.” 2012 Projections: 55/25/75/.210
Adam Dunn – Everyone seems to think Dunn is not, um, done. Correction: Everyone that did not own him last year. I guess they want a piece of the frustration that others felt last year. That’s like standing at the craps table and watching roll after roll where people lose and you’re like, “Now is the time to get in!” No, it’s not. There’s no reason why the table is going to turn for the better. The big-bellied age quickly and poorly. Don’t go near Dunn just because you lucked out not owning him last year. And, if you did own him last year and want more, then you’re like Homer grabbing the donut no matter how many times the electrical current shocks him. 2012 Projections: 55/22/80/.220 (<–actually optimistic)
Anthony Rizzo – Because I couldn’t end the post on a sour note with Adam Dunn, here’s R to the izzo. I already went over my Anthony Rizzo 2012 fantasy. I wrote it while huffing. It was also written before the trade to the Cubs, so the end about how I wanna take a chainsaw to Petco is irrelevant. I don’t think we’ll see Rizzo until June at the earliest so in redraft leagues, I’d ignore him, but in keeper leagues I’d stash him. He could hit 25 homers as soon as next year. If he breaks camp with the Cubs, then it’s on like Steve Wiebe playing Donkey Kong. 2012 Projections: 30/10/45/.250/4 (in 300 ABs)
Brandon Belt – Okay, one more! This is it though. If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, I’d place him between Napoli and Davis. Around 16 and a half. Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year. The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain. Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together. 2012 Projections: 70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)
Joe Mauer is done for the year with pneumonia. I’m almost 100% sure Morneau was the carrier of the virus. On Friday, frequent commenter Mike said, “If you went to Joe Mauer’s house, went into his basement, jack-hammered through the concrete, and started digging, what would be the under/over on number of feet you’d have to go down before you found the first dessicated Native American corpse? 3 feet? 4 feet? I mean, that Native American graveyard can’t be that far below the surface.” I honestly never thought I’d say this this (stutterer!) early in his career, but I think Mauer’s going to be a bargain next year. Assuming he falls into the 10th round or later, he’s worth the gamble at catcher for 2012, right? I mean, even if he only gets 100 games and hits .300, it’s worth the ulcer, isn’t it? I think so. With that said (yeah, here comes opposite talk), I’m sure glad I haven’t drafted him the last two years in any league. He hit 3 homers this year. As in between 2 and 4. Jesus Montero has that many in 10 games. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jason Kubel – Probably done for the year. In related news, Morneau, Mauer and Kubel have a fishing trip planned for the first weekend of October and all Twins fans have a hunting trip planned for the same weekend.
Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Done for the year. Back date that to March. Are the Twins fielding a team this final week and a half?
Brian Dinkelman – 4-for-5 yesterday and 7 for his last 9. When your team’s good news is Brian Dinkelman, you got a big fish that needs some frying or whatever that cliche is.
Ryan Howard – Out until Thursday, which will probably mean he plays only sporadically even after that. Ross Gload will fill in. Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he won his 24th game yesterday. That’s pretttay pretttay good. Tough year to be Jered Weaver.
Joakim Soria – Didn’t pitch this weekend. Now all the Royals’ 9th inning eggs are hoping for some good Holland days.
Pablo Sandoval – Hit two homers in one inning. When you throw Sandoval two meatballs, he jumps on them.
David Price – Left after 4 innings after being hit in the chest by a liner. Should be fine for his next start, which he will throw while wearing knight’s armor.
Desmond Jennings – 2-for-5 with a steal. In roughly a third of the season, he has 9 homers and 18 steals. Yeah, go ahead and times those by three.
Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. There should a glossary term for these K-heavy pitchers that are a total tease. You suggest in the comments, thank you.
Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with two homers. Be nice if he went on one of his crazy 6 homers in 8 games binges. Cust kayin’.
Joe Saunders – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. He came through big time for my borderline starter post from Thursday. (And Matt Harrison too. Brad Lincoln, not so much.)
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with a homer. With 8 homers and 45 Ks in 40 games this year, he’s either gonna be something special next year or a flat-out bomb.
Mark Reynolds – Homered on Friday and Saturday, then was beaned in the head by a Ervin Santana pitch. His CT scan came back negative, then the CT scan picked up Johnny Bananas and carried him to the other side of The Gulag.
James Loney – 5-for-6 yesterday and two homers in two games on Friday and Saturday. I don’t like saying to pick up Loney, so if I wink, it means pick him up. Wink.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. I have two things to note, neither of which is that interesting. First, I can’t believe Greinke is barely under a 4.00 ERA in the NL. Second, I can never remember if it’s a H or a K with Zack. From writing 1200+ words five days a week about these players, I can spell Saltalamacchia without looking it up. I could be in a baseball spelling bee and kick serious ass and get tripped up by spelling Zack. I feel like there should be a standard Zack spelling. H or K, that’s it.
Erick Aybar – 4-for-4, 2 homers, 5 runs, 4 RBIs and now hitting .434 in September. Looks like a classic Septacular performance.
Adrian Gonzalez – It was revealed this weekend that he’s only taking batting practice every other day due to weakness in his shoulder. He said, “(The weakness is) fine. It’s the end of the year.” Um, maybe in San Diego.
Mike Aviles – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in three games. Sawx kinda have to win games and Aviles, McDonald, Salty, Scutaro and Conor Jackson (when I saw his name as C. Jackson in the box score, I thought it was Curtis Jackson) are playing and Wakefield is pitching. Up the team salary to $300 million.
Brandon Beachy – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER and 8 earned in his last 9 2/3 IP, 8 ER. The good news for people who like bad news is he’s tired. The other bad news is he might struggle next year if the Braves don’t shut him down.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4 as he hit 8th in front of the pitcher. He should consider apologizing to Fredi for whatever transgression he did to him or his family. Meanwhile, pray he doesn’t hit three homers in one game in the playoffs and get on everyone’s radar again.
Manny Acosta – Closed out yesterday’s game while Parnell worked the 8th. Honestly, I think the Mets are going to get a closer in the offseason and don’t really care who gets the ball in the ninth right now. It’s not like they’re grooming anyone.
Chien-Ming Wang – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Marlins’ Brad Hand. For a change of pace, this game saw Wang beating Hand.
A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. He reminded me of this classic post by Rudy.
Bryan LaHair – 1-for-3 yesterday and a homer on Saturday. He should be playing every day, but he’s not. I feel like someone should write a song titled, “The 28-Year-Old Rookie.” Belle and Sebastian, where you at?
Jordan Pacheco – Batted third yesterday and went 0-for-4, but is hitting .320 over the last week with a homer. He did so little in Triple-A this year, it’s kinda comical (3 homers, 2 steals, .278). Guess if you’re really hogtied in a very deep league, you can take a look.
Allen Craig – 3-for-4, 2 homers. Before this game, he hadn’t done much since he started, uh, starting. But maybe this is the beginning of something. Only Miss Cleo knows for sure.
Matt Holliday – Inferred here first after reading shizz elsewhere, it sounds like Holliday’s done for the year.
Mariano Rivera – Tied Trevor Hoffman’s save record. Right after he breaks the record, the Yankees announced Bobby Parnell would take over as closer.
Dexter Fowler has been hotter than a junebug on the back of a furnace’s ass, or some other yokelism. Dexter? I hardly Fowler! Huh? In his last seven games, a .423 average and 2 homers. He’s not good for anything more than the occasional dinger, which only sounds talk between a wife and her friends. He is hitting on top of a lineup that puts up runs and he has speed. While he’s hot, I’d grab him everywhere. Don’t get left out in the cold. Remember you can’t spell Denver without Dexter envy. Or you can’t spell Dexter Fowler without DTF. That’s Doubles Triples Forget about homers. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
David Murphy – He was nearly the lead for today’s Buy post. That’s how much I like him. You have to really strike a nerve about needing to be owned in every league to get the lead, but you have to come close to striking said nerve to almost be the lead. Talk about the pinnacle of one’s career. Put it on the back of your ball card, kid! You almost made a Razzball lead!
Alex Presley – And he almost-almost made the lead! Wow! It’s raining praise like a church that mysteriously appears in the Bermuda Triangle! (<–Confusing comparison of the day!)
Alex Rios – He didn’t almost make any lead. I kinda don’t even want Rios to do anything because I absolutely know it’s just going to cause people to come out of the woodwork next March asking about him. “Buh-buh-buh-but, Grey, sir, your almighty ‘stacheiness, Rios was good last September. Big things in 2012, right?!”
Alejandro De Aza – Alejandro is hot like Mexico! And just think, when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop. Don’t get sad! Imaginary friends work too!
Kosuke Fukudome – It’s the week of the hot outfielders, huh? It reminds me of that week in 1993 when Jim Eisenreich was in the middle of a 7-for-12 stretch but Philly fans still wanted to throw batteries at him because he kept cursing at them.
Jon Jay – He has 2 homers and hitting .522 in the last week. I got Federalisztomania! What, no Phoenix fans? You, “I thought French rock was a stale baguette.” You’re such a snob!
Jason Kipnis – Nothing goes better with a bagel and cream cheese like Eli Whiteside. But Kipnis is good for a nosh if you need a middle infielder.
Scott Sizemore – ESPN wrote something recently saying Sizemore could be a sleeper in 2012. Way to take a stand! Of course he’s going to be a sleeper. The problem is the A’s need to move their fences in about 1.2 miles. In all directions. You could have a front row seat by 1st base and need binoculars.
Trevor Plouffe – His last name sounds like the sound a turd makes when it hits the toilet water. Hehe. Sorry, that’s juvenile. But, seriously, he-effin’-he. Um, so he’s been hot– Sorry, I have to move on. His name’s just too ridiculous.
Juan Francisco – I spy with my little right eye a worthwhile add for right now in NL-Only leagues. Since Rolen is following in Glass Chipper’s footsteps, I imagine Francisco will see the majority of the at-bats for the remainder of the season, which means he could become mixed league sexy. Otherwise known as a swinger.
Dayan Viciedo – He’s done nothing but swing a hot bat since his call-up, so of course Ozzie benched him the other day. Oh, Ozzie, you make me a little crazy. *shaking fist at the sky* A little crazy!
Cliff Pennington – Has good speed and can teach you how to golf.
Dee Gordon – He’s good for steals. Yadda3. On a side note, I was thinking about how I can’t imagine Don Mattingly ever getting fired. Maybe because I grew up in the tri-state area when he was a God, but I can’t picture any scenario where Mattingly is blamed for anything. “Ooh, it’s Donnie Baseball, it’s his back’s fault the Yankees aren’t winning.” The Dodgers will have to be folded into the Padres (and the Dodres still wouldn’t have a good offense) to get Mattingly out of his job.
Marco Scutaro – Hitting .476 in September and…Ugh, don’t make me say anything else nice about Scutaro. He’s hot as of right now, that’s all I got.
Edwin Jackson – Hasn’t had a bad start in over a month…Which makes me think he’s gonna have one tonight because I just jinxed him. Stupid superstitions. Anyone see where I put my rabbit’s foot?
Bud Norris – BTW, I just went over borderline fantasy starters for the next week, and, really, this late in the season there’s no reason to look more than one week in advance in most leagues.
Bobby Parnell – Own unless you’re in a British ex-con league with a No-Bobby rule.
Kenley Jansen – Word out of the mean streets of sunny LA is Jansen or Guerra could be the closer next year. So those in deep keeper leagues who are looking to stick someone on their team for cheap this year that could have huge value next year, grab Jansen.
Jason Motte – Member during the 2010 preseason when I said Motte should be the closer? So I was a year and a half early. Well, here’s the thing, I time travel so much I sometimes forget what year I’m in. BTW, invest in AOL, they’re about to merge with Time-Warner.
SELL
Fernando Salas – I could see holding him in some leagues where you’re very desperate, but in most leagues you’re looking at a guy that might get a save or two or might be closing out the seventh inning. I.e., I’d prefer the apple sauce instead of the misspelled Mexican sauce.
Brandon Morrow – His next start is against the Sawx, who just mollywhopped him for 8 earned, and the Jays might limit him since he’s above his career high in innings. You guys had a good run. Get his address and go hide in his garbage can with a Jiffy Pop container over your head so you can see anytime you want.
John Danks – Who’s more infuriating than this schmohawk? A three hitter followed by an 8 earned run game. There’s gotta be better matchup guys on waivers. Move on, there’s nothing to see here.
Jair Jurrjens – He’s out until the playoffs. That’s nice. Later!
Grady Sizemore – I guarantee you, with his stats, if his name was Crappy McCrapstein, you wouldn’t own him.
Adam Lind – I hate to outright drop a guy capable of a four homer week, but it seems like his wrist is sore and his power looks zapped, and not zapped like that awesome early 80′s movie with Scott Baio. I wonder if him and Willie Ames are still friends. They were like peas and carrots. I bet David Aardsma is glad that Willie Aames devoted his prodigious talent to acting instead of baseball so he can stay first in the baseball dictionary.
With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin. Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st. Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A. It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan. Martin has plus-plus speed. Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings. He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up. If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy. Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months. Let him play the field in a bubble. He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process. I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.
Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday. He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on. If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly. He’s looking at me. We got mamihlapinatapai.
Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side. And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.
Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder. After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.
Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago? Yeah, this start was what I wanted. Way to make a guy wait.
Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves. La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you. Now please donate money to PETA. I have bunnies to save.”
Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season. I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks. A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers. I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils. Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay. I still don’t trust him. Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year. See, I haven’t worked on them yet.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts. Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.
Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks. Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start. Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!
Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd. She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?
Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER. To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.
Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI. I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.
Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs. So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else. It’s a’ight.
Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings. Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks. You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?” Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage? I’d love to, sweetie!” Yeah, that’s gonna happen.
Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer. At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out. The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust. Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever. This headline just writes the joke for you.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer. Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter. He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him. As of right now, he’s not struggling at all. Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat. Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).
Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals. I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust. Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust! That’s next March, April and May Grey. BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.
Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer. Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump? Oh, everyone.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal. I love…Wait, not strong enough. I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags. Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.
Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks. Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks. 13 Ks!!!!! Wow!!!
Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense. 13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.
Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers. Really not an awful season. Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great. Follow?
Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.
Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series. In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up. I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits. Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.
