Fantasy Baseball Advice

Yo, Meteorologist Grey here and I’m standing in Chesapeake Bay to show you how high the water has risen.  It’s usually up to my waist, but, as you can see, the water is now up to my shoulders.  Would I normally be standing in Chesapeake Bay if there was no hurricane?  No, this is for ratings, snitches!  That was it, that was the big news all across the world of baseball this weekend.  How there wasn’t any on the eastern seaboard.  ‘See, bored?’ is more like it.  But there was Justin Verlander winning his 20th game, and locking up the Cy Young.  His line so far 20-5/2.38/0.90/218 in 215 2/3 IP.  Those numbers are sick as in very healthy not sick as in sick.  When you have over 200 innings and more than a K per inning, you deserve the accolades, which only sounds like something you take for an upset stomach.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Won’t return when eligible, i.e., the Phils are coasting into the playoffs and don’t care if any of their regulars play the entire month of September.  Just a friendly reminder that you need to have back-up plans in place if your H2H team is riding Phils like Marlo Thomas.

Rafael Betancourt – The Rockies announced Betancourt would stay in the role of closer even after Street returned, then later that night he blew the save.  Cuddle boy!  Then he came back and recorded the save on Sunday.  I’d keep Betancourt for now, but think he cedes the job to Street in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Hanley Ramirez – Will return on Wednesday unless he gets a bee in his bonnet.

Michael Brantley – Will have season-ending surgery on his wrist.  Indians might think about digging up center field and making sure there’s no Brady Bunch tiki idols buried out there.

Jonathan Sanchez – Sounds like he’ll be out for the season.  Safe to drop him.  Could backdate that to June.  You know what’s nice?  Your mustache?  Random Italicized Voice, you giving me lip service?  Is that a pun?  Kinda.  No, what’s nice is at this time of the year you don’t have to contemplate whether or not to wait out a DL stint.  Just drop.

Sergio Romo – Returned to the Giants on Sunday and looks like the favorite to get saves.  BTW, you think when Sergio was in summer camp and wrote his name on his shirt tags that people just thought it was the designer’s name?

Jordan Walden – The Sciosciapath removed Walden on Saturday after he loaded the bases and brought in Takahashi for the save.  I think Walden will continue to get saves for the Los Angeles Not Actually Los Angeles Angels, but if you’re speculating on saves there ya go.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a homer.  With Quentin finally hitting the DL, the Pale Hose promoted Dayan Viciedo, a highly touted Cuban raftee.  In Triple-A, Viciedo had a .296 average with 20 homers in 119 games.  He’s in that Delmon-Alfonso-Vlad mold of swinging at just about anything near the plate.  As with Alfonso and Vlad, it hasn’t really hurt his hitting.  He can play all over the field to get at-bats, but, for whatever reason, Ozzie hasn’t really thrust him into a starring role.  If he gets the ABs, see, he’d be good for mixed leaguers — Yo, dawg, I’m a mixed leaguer….Now why won’t girls talk to me? — but until we see Dayan’s PT, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues.

Chris Capuano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 13 Ks.  Feliz Capu anos!

Johan Santana – Now unlikely to return this year.  Really no shocker here.  Hence, my credo not to bother with drafting pitchers in March that are supposed to be out for the majority of the season.  Setbacks happen yadda³.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Sometimes Shields gets a little flaky (7 earned vs the M’s, 10 earned vs. the A’s), but for where you drafted him and his 192 Ks, 2.96 ERA, you’ll take it and like it.

David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  It’s funny how his season ERA is at 3.40 with a 12-11 record compared to 2.72 ERA and 19 wins last year, but he’s actually pitched much better this year.  Obviously not haha funny, but more like not funny at all funny.

Desmond Jennings – 4-for-5, 2 homers and a steal.  The only real drawback so far with Jennings is I need to buy more Trapper Keepers to write his name in hearts with my sparkle marker.

Joe Mauer – Has been out for five days with a pain in the neck.  How appropriate.

Luke Hughes – 2-for-4, 2 homers on Sunday and a homer on Saturday.  Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.

Collin Cowgill – 4-for-4, homer, 2 runs 2 RBIs.  Hasn’t been playing every day, but maybe after this big game we’ll get more Cowgill.

Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as a D-Back.  He’s fared slightly better than Johnson since the trade.  Perhaps being surrounded by a team of hackers is making him feel more comfortable.

Tommy Hanson – Has a rotator cuff tear.  I once had a cuff tear on my Girbaud jeans and it knocked me out for a day.  Hanson’s cuff tear is not as major as it sounds, but will still knock him out a few weeks (no relation to Jemile).  Can go ahead and drop Hanson in most leagues, i.e., Mmmdrop.

Zach Britton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Britton took down the Yankees revenging The Revolutionary War.  Though I thought exporting The Spice Girls was their payback.

Nelson Cruz – Strained his left hamstring on a double.  His right hamstring said, “I got next!”

Jason Motte – Got the save on Sunday.  Let’s see, Salas’s last two appearances were in non-save situations, then La Russa sends Motte, who hasn’t given up a run in his last 29 appearances, out for the save yesterday.  I think La Russa’s Feathered-Hair-Covered Brain finally made a smart move with his bullpen.  Motte should be the closer.  Now whether he’s the closer or not is up to FHCB.

Jordan Zimmermann – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  About two months ago, I asked whether or not the Nats would shut down Zimmermann at exactly 160 innings if it meant in the middle of the 3rd inning.  They didn’t; they shut him down for the season in the middle of the fifth inning.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Joey makes me coo coo roo.

Yonder Alonso – Hit a pinch hit homer yesterday.  Now is hitting .467 with 3 homers in 30 ABs.  Too bad he doesn’t have a position to play.  Rather, Baker starts Fred Lewis, Dave Sappeit and the Winner of a Skyline Chili contest instead of Yonder.

Carlos Lee – Left Sunday’s game with a slight ankle sprain.  Send El Caballo to the glue factory!

Andre Ethier – Said he’s playing with an injured knee all year.  Then the always sympathetic GM Ned Colletti said, “What am I supposed to be concerned about?  That he has those numbers, that he’s hurt or contends he’s hurt?”  Snap in the 0-for-12 formation.  I will say Ned Colletti, aka No Coddle-letti, is refreshingly frank, but I’m not sure today’s athletes respond to it.  Why not just call him Andre the Pissant and wear a shirt that says ‘Obey?’

Matt Kemp – Joined the 30/30 club this weekend.  The gift basket included a free weekend stay at a Howard Johnson.

Aaron Hill and John McDonald were traded to the Diamondbacks for Kelly Johnson.  Regarding the title, each team got to 2nd base with the other.  Nothing to brag about, nothing for the rest of us to get jealous over.  I guess this is what happens when Alex Anthopoulos and Kevin Towers lock themselves in a closet for 7 minutes of trading heaven.  “Can you throw in J.P. Arencibia?”  “What kind of GM do you think I am?”  Maybe Florida and Seattle will trade John Buck for Miguel Olivo.    I’ll trade you this tomato.  Okay, I’ll trade you a tomahto.  Deal.  Sure, I’m taking an extra h on the payroll, but it’s worth it to get that shorter vowel sound into our lineup.  You say tomato, I say tomahto, let’s call the whole deal….on!  This proves one thing, without a doubt, neither team owned Hill or Johnson in fantasy this year.  If this trade happened in one of your fantasy leagues, you’d just be glad you weren’t one of the teams doing the trading.  Neither player is guaranteed to get a boost with the trade and either player could get knocked out of their slump with the new scenery.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Monday night he had to have a trainer remove a moth from his ear.  They should try and put a moth in Zambrano’s ear.  Maybe they’ll find a bat.

Alex Rodriguez – Out of yesterday’s lineup with a jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up while your feet are stompin’ and the jam is pumpin’, look here the crowd is jumpin’.  Sorry, once I start that it’s hard to stop.

Ryan Howard – Out with heel bursitis and the Phils are officially in cruise control mode.  Speaking of which…

Cole Hamels – Reports are that he’s absolutely fine for next week’s start so the Phils put him on the DL in media res.  I’m a broken record with this, if the kids today even know what a record is or what it means to be broken, but how come there’s no rules that you can’t put healthy people on the DL.  Seems like a shortcut at expanding the roster that shouldn’t be allowed.  Now get off my lawn, kid!

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Fair enough, I wouldn’t care about DL’ing healthy Hamels with this kind of depth either.

Raul Ibanez – Received an injection for a sore groin.  Sounds like a line a doctor would deliver in a porn movie.

John Mayberry – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and now has three homers in the last five games.  Even when Ibanez’s groin is better (something you don’t read every day), Mayberry should be starting.  That’s not saying he will be.  In the meanwhile, I would add Mayberry in most leagues while he’s hitting-slash-playing-slash-I just like saying slash.

Colby Rasmus – Left the game with a jammed wrist.  Somewhere, Tony La Russa’s laughing like Nelson Muntz.

Brandon Morrow – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Royals.  FMFBBL

Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-8, 2 homers in the doubleheader and his 3rd homer in three days as he bats over .400 since his return from the DL.  He’s hotter than a kimchi burrito in Megan Fox’s hand.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-8 with a homer.  He’s on my opponent’s H2H team and said Fukutome.

Kyle Seager – 6-for-9 and a homer in the doubleheader.  Be a good time to mention that the starters in the second game were both peg boys.  Either way, Seager has 2 homers in the last five games, but didn’t show much power in the high minors.  I’d let Seager go.  Like a rock.

Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He bounced up and down the minors for so long it was like teams were playing Marco…Yo-Yo…  But if you need to take a flyer, he’s a hot hand.

Casey McGehee – Two for his last nine with two homers.  This guy’s like Rich Little impersonating Rob Deer.  And there goes our 18-35 demographic.

Justin Upton – Hit on the elbow by a pitch and left the game.  It’s said to not be too bad.  This is a day after B.J. went down with a shoulder sprain.  Aren’t these things only supposed to happen to twins?

Brandon Allen – 2-for-4 with 2 monster shots.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2 said yesterday, “Brandon Allen just put a monster shot into the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, only the second ball to reach there since it opened. Branyan hit the other…. Which isn’t quite the same as ‘where only Mickey Mantle has ever reached.’”

Logan Morrison – With a .167 average and one homer in Triple-A, the Marlins had seen enough and are recalling Morrison.  Couldn’t they just have easily put a bar of soap in his mouth while he tweeted?  If Morrison was dropped in your league, I’d take a chance that he comes back looking to prove something.  One thing to prove, for instance, that Hanley shouldn’t run the ball club.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and the epic blown save.  This is the kind blown save that makes managers try out Edward Mujica as their closer.  Also, remember Nunez was funky as in bad not funky as in good at the end of last season.

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Might want to consider returning to making straight-to-video classics like ‘Dorf on Golf.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  A-gone-gone a-bout time-time.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, with the slam & legs.  In only 385 at-bats so far, he has 11 homers and 7 steals.  This is at the age of 21.  I.e. big things.  I.e. there stands for I expect.

Tommy Hanson – Quite the surprise; Hanson’s bullpen session was cancelled a day after he said his shoulder was fine.  Yup.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a homer as he fills in for Constanza…Or was Constanza filling in for him?  This is the most confusing re-imagining of All About Eve.

Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-4 and a homer.  The power may stop when he leaves Coors, but he’s worth a flyer for speed in deep leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 5-for-5 with a double and 4 singles to match David Eckstein’s best game.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Was acquired by the Rockies for cash.  “Here’s a McDonaldland coupon for two apple pies.  You can CONSIDER it as cash.”

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as Price got topped by Penny to lose the Showcase Showdown.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5 with a caught stealing.  Not cute moving the base 91 feet away.  Not cute at all.

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully Vogelsong doesn’t take this guy’s career trajectory two years removed from Japan.

Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks and, better still, he didn’t kill anyone.

Adam Jones – Was hospitalized with shortness of breath and mild chest pains.  Sounds like me after a weekend in Vegas.  Early tests say Jones will be fine.

Rod Barajas – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and now has 3 homers since last Friday.  Aye carambarajas!

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, homer.  Know one way to stay hot while unattractive in mixed leagues?  Go 1-for-4 with a homer every couple of games.

Jon Niese – To the DL with a rib strain.  After giving up 8 runs, it’s more like the Phils gave him an RBI strain.

Jose Reyes – Set to return Monday.  Though the Mets didn’t say which Monday.  Very tricky, Mets, very tricky.

Angel Pagan – Almost went to the DL because of stomach pains during Monday’s game.  “You’re hitting out of the two hole.  Hitting!”

Jonny Gomes was acquired by the Washington Nationals.  This is exciting for Gomes’s family and any National fans who like to make signs for the games but can’t write the letter H.  Gomes will platoon with Nix and, if anything, his value is hurt a bit by the home venue change.  The real story is the call up of Reds prospect, Yonder Alonso.  In 353 ABs in Triple-A this year, Alonso had 12 homers and 6 steals with a .297 average.  I took all the prospect reports on Alonso and put through my supercomputer and out came, “Should develop into a 20+ homer hitter with a great eye.  Reds TV can save time by eliminating instant replay because he runs like he’s in slow mo.”  His starting time may be iffy in Cincy, platooning in left field.  Did this stop me from grabbing him?  Well, to use one of the worst songs of all time, I’d rather hurt you with honesty than mislead you with a lie so I’ll just come out and tell you I grabbed Alonso in every league where I could.  My leagues are deep though, so in most mixed leagues you can wait to see his playing time.  In keepers and NL-Only leagues, you proceed without caution.  Or no caveat emptor, for our friends in Latin America.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Bautista – Left yesterday’s game after getting beaned in the melon.   He left on his own power and is being called day-to-day with no signs of a concussion.  Maybe the hit on the head will have him return as Jason Bourne.  That would be cool.  Then he bring down Aaron Hill for trying to kill my fantasy teams.

Aaron Hill – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Aw, speaking of the devil, and I don’t mean devil in the idiomatic sense.  Sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive.  How on earth (assuming Canada is on earth) does he only have 5 homers?  He had three months last year where he hit 5 or more homers.  Maybe his bats ain’t accustomed to going through customs.

Adam Lind – 1-for-4 with his 19th homer.  In June, he had back-to-back homer games then went four games without a homer then he hit a homer.  This month he had back-to-back homer games then went four games and guess what?  He hit a homer.  Damn, how does Jayson Stark make that trivial shizz interesting?  Oh, wait, he doesn’t.

Brandon Morrow – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  So inconsistent proves that Morrow isn’t guaranteed for anyone.

Yunesky Maya – Gave up 7 runs in his last Triple-A start.  The Nats wish it was May 5th when he rafted over from Cuba so they could’ve sinka de Maya.

Matt Holliday – Out with food poisoning.  Rasmus sprinkled some expired Colby cheese on his lunch.

David Freese – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer.  And no injury!

Zach Britton – With a 5.40 ERA in Double-A, he’ll get the call in a doubleheader vs. the Yanks.  I’m sure Zach is thrilled.  Come on up to face the Yankees!  I’m expecting a Not-So-Great Britton.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers to bring his season total to 16.  Potatoes to chips, I never thought I’d be so happy to own Hardy.  For those new to the site, the potatoes to chips phrase’s sole purpose is to befuddle you into thinking it means something.  Don’t be fooled!  But feel free to use it in everyday conversation.  Potatoes to chips, I already brought in the mail.  Potatoes to chips, I have to stay late at work so start dinner without me.  Potatoes to chips, I have herpes.  It works for every occasion!

Derrek Lee – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs with his 11th home run.  When we’re in July and he gets more than 12% of his RBIs in one game, it’s not a season to remember.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s been a 2nd half hitter in recent memory.

Vance Worley – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  About two weeks ago when I told you to pick up Worley, someone commented that he (Worley, not the commenter) was due for a regression.  He has a 2.02 ERA — of course he’s going to regress!  Still, while he’s pitching like Sandy Koufax meets Don Drysdale — Dandy Koufdale, pick him up.

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks for his 14th win.  Through 161 innings(!), his ERA is now at 1.79 (!!) with a 0.95 WHIP (!!!).  He makes me want to grow a mullet and be ugly.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The bad news is he’s limping to the “You’re finished” line.  Good news is he’s lowering his draft position for next year.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 as Emily Boneface’s hitting streak has reached 24 games.  Pretty remarkable from a guy who I’m not even sure has ever hit in 24 games total throughout a season.

Logan Morrison – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer.  Morrison didn’t break on through like I thought he would so far this year.  His walk rate has plummeted pretty dramatically, which makes me think he might be pressing because of some bad luck with balls hit into play.  Or as Shakira might say, BABIPs don’t lie.

Josh Johnson – However, ball clubs do lie.  It’s now being reported that Johnson won’t pitch again in 2011.  I have a secret for you, he won’t pitch all of 2012 either.  Let’s call it an educated guess.

Brian McCann – The mysterious oblique injury laid dormant for a few weeks, letting hamstring pulls and concussions take center stage, but now it’s back.  McCann might be McCan’t for a few weeks as he was placed on the 15-day DL.

CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners and he struck out 14 of 25 Mariners he faced.  In an effort to stop the losing streak, Eric Wedge shaved off his mustache.  That’s all you had going for you, man.  Everyone knows the entire cliche is “Don’t shoot the messenger and don’t ever shave your mustache.”  Through the years the “don’t ever shave your mustache” part was dropped because it’s IMPLIED!

David Ortiz – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and Dustin Pedroia also went 4-for-5.  With the Yankees vs. the Mariners blowout and the Sawx playing the peasant Royals, Selig’s league parity is working almost as well as his toupee.

Billy Butler – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  One for each of his luscious moobs.  Along with Derrek Lee, he was also in the 2nd half hitters to watch post.

Neftali Feliz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  Guess he’s using reverse psychology to convince the Rangers they don’t need Heath Bell.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with a homer.  I didn’t see it so I’m gonna assume the box score had a typo.  Carry on.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 6 unearned runs.  I nearly had a heart attack from this ticker shock.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4 and his first homer in what feels like a year but is really only since July 8th.  Someone asked in our forums why no power for Votto and I’m really not sure.  His line drive percentage is way up and his homer per fly ball is down, so maybe he’s just making too good of contact, if such a thing exists.  It’s not like his other numbers are poor.  I think it’s the kind of thing that will correct itself.

John Axford – Tied Doug Jones’ Brewers record for consecutive saves (25).  Doug Jones still owns the record for mistaking the kielbasa mascot from the 7th inning stretch race for an actual sausage and biting its ankle.  A record seven times!

Tim Byrdak – Got the save yesterday because Parnell and Izzy were used the last two days.  Oh, and July 27th is the winning entry for “Pick the date Tim Byrdak makes it into a roundup.”

Tim Lincecum – Was scratched with a bad case of the flu.  Brian Wilson rubbed VapoRub on Lincecum’s hairless chest and said, “I’m a certified ninja and home nurse.  He’ll be feeling better quicker than a penguin screws a duck.  Giants do it with science.  Now watch me eat a lemon and a lime and piss Sprite!”

Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury.  Manzo!  Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.”  Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear.  Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?”  The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers.  The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first?  Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.

Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps.  Must be that time of the month.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week.  I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.”  And that’s me bestowing on you!

Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year.  As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight.  AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what time it is, ya’ll?!  No, not 8:28 AM.  I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant.  It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams.  In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09.  Yup.

Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery.  If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon.  And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job.  It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place.  However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.

Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow.  Sounds like he should be okay.  Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Noob Hint Alert!  If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good.  When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run.  When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week?  I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this.  3 homers this week?  4?

Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run.  He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday.  At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones.  There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.

Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks.  Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.

Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist.  Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games.  People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around.  Looks like he’s providing an answer.

Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection.  My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better.  And he was better yesterday.  See how that works?

Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games.  The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base.  In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty!  He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues.  Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low.  In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals.  Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own.  And him too.

Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run.  Whatever, you don’t need that.

Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain.  Geez, lots of injuries this weekend.  Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.

Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL.  You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning?  Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball.  Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century.  Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare.  Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation?   A cockroach, for instance.  Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”

Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie.  Hopefully things work out better this time.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”)  Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games.  Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee.  Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look.  I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.

Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation.  He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback.  If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them?  So juvenile.

Tampa is no South Beach.  His Wade-in-crime (Davis) isn’t quite as stellar.  But James Shields is looking a lot more Kingly than LeBron these days.  Facing the red-hot Red Sox (9 straight wins @ 9+ runs scored per game), Shields threw a 5-hit, 3-walk shutout.  That’s Shields’ 6th win with a 2.60 ERA, a 1.05 WHIP, and 98 Ks in 103.2 IP.  His ERA is almost half of last year’s 5.18 debacle.  Sure, he’s playing slightly above the talents he brought to Tampa (.269 BABIP, 82% strand rate) but his peripherals (K/BB) are as solid as anyone in the AL (including Verlander).  Hold him if you got ‘em.  Be confident to trade for him if you don’t.  Just watch out when he starts against the Tigers – that Dirks is clutch.

Elsewhere in fantasy baseballdom….

Justin Verlander - A 12 K, 2 hit shutout with the Indians’ first hit coming with one out in the 8th inning.  Clearly, Verlander was pissed that Francisco Liriano flirted with a 2nd 2011 no-hitter the other night.  He is Verlander, there can only be one.

Aaron Hill – 3 for 5 with a double and his 2nd HR of the year.  Not what I was expecting when I paid $18 for him in my AL-league.  Seems like an off year for a number of HR + high-K guys (Dunn, Reynolds, Hill, Uggla).  Reminds me of the mid-1980′s when suddenly all the coked up, slap-hitting SB guys all fell to the floor – or should I say LeFlore!

Cole Hamels - Another great start (7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners) but left with a sore back.  Musta picked it up from ol’ balky-back Roy Oswalt.  Next thing you know, Hamels will be riding to games in a John Deere or strapping a V8 onto Cliff Lee and painting a Confederate flag on both his sides.

Domonic Brown - Two solo HRs for Domonic that both were no-doubters.  I’m starting to give him the googly eyes I usually reserve for Mike Stanton.  Homers just seem easier to hit when you’re 6’5″.  Well, except when you’re Michael Jordan.  (last basketball reference, i promise)

Jered Weaver – A 5-hit shutout just like Shields’ except it was against the Mariners vs. the Red Sox.  His other two shutouts this year were against Minnesota and Oakland.  Next time an ace throws a gem against a crappy offense, we should just write “He went to Jered’s!”.

Yovani Gallardo - Gallardo rebounded from an off start against the Mets (10 hits in 4 IP) with a 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 K performance against the Cubs.  He got the no decision as the Brewers bullpen blew the lead.  Congrats to everyone in Quality Starts leagues!

Josh Johnson - Now officially out through the All-Star break.  Even worse for the Marlins, Javier Vazquez is still healthy.

Chase Utley - 2nd HR in 3 games and 3rd straight multi-hit game.  He’s also got 3 SBs so far.  That’s how you play hurt, Heyward!

Ryan Zimmerman – Returned from the DL after a 2-month break with an abdomen injury.  Now if only the Nats had 5-7 more Zimmerman(n)s, I think they could make a run at a 90 win season.  If only 1912 near-Triple Crown winner Heinie Zimmerman was 105 years younger and alive.

Pablo  Sandoval - Returned from the DL as well.  Guess it was a good day for DL’d 3Bs not named Pedro Alvarez.

Lance Berkman - Another day, another HR for Berkman.  He leads Pujols in all the Triple Crown categories.  Feel free to gloat if you have Berkman or puke if you have Pujols.

Yuniesky Maya - 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  This Cuban got smoked.

Jaime Garcia – A solid start (6 ER, 7 Ks, 2 ERs) but the bullpen blew the win.  The thing with Garcia is that you either catch him early for an 11-run outburst or he gets into a rhythm.

Roger Bernadina – Rick Ankiel has the health yips again (came out in 2nd inning) which can only help Bernadina’s playing time.  With 9 SBs in 122 ABs, he’s a worthwhile catch off SAGNOF Harbor.

Philip Hughes – Had a successful side session throwing in the low 90′s.  If he’s available in your league and you’ve got DL space, I’d give him a flier.  Probably not back until early July but he’s got solid starter potential if he can pitch at that speed.  He’s got Cy Young potential if they’d inject some Colon fat into this arm.

Alexi Ogando - Alexi had his owners (who started him) saying ‘Oh God no’ with 6 ER in 1 2/3 IP at Yankee Stadium.  And that’s why you bench almost every pitcher @NYY outside of H2H leagues and AL-only.

Charles Blackmon - Another SB.  He’s making Dexter’s baserunning look fouler by the minute.

Trevor Cahill - 4 ER in 4 1/3 IP isn’t pretty but here’s the ugly stat.  0 Ks and 7 BBs.  Against the Royals.  And two of those walks were to Francouer.  Ain’t that a kick in the Cahill!  Brett Anderson threw up a clunker like this and he turned out to be hurt.  Wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case here too.  Damn you Moneyball movie.  You’re a worse curse than the Madden cover.

Jon Niese - Had his 4th straight quality start albeit over a 16 game stretch for the Mets because he needs time to rest.  His ERA is 2.76 in home games and 4.22 in away games which makes sense but….his WHIP is lower on the road (1.20) than home (1.44).  That doesn’t make sense but…..I’m still going to call him an East Coast Hodgepadre.  Start him at home and favorable away games.

Freddie Freeman – Scratched with a mild oblique strain.  I didn’t realize that oblique strains make one itchy.

Adam LaRoche – Out for the season with a torn labrum.  He tried to play through it until a clubhouse attendant pointed out that the labrum is in the shoulder.  You mean all those weeks of icing my LaNutsack after games was for nothing!