Alright everyone, get ready. It’s time to hole yourself up inside your house even when it’s sunny and think long and deep thoughts about things that really don’t mean anything. But being fantasy baseballers (Grey’s mom’s term!), you’re already doing this more often than not so you won’t even need to limber up. So the question today, kids, is what’s the cutoff point for bad team facing ‘x’ pitcher equals good to great pitching stats? Hrm, that didn’t sound very philosophical, let’s try again. What’s the sound of one fan base not clapping? If a team sucks in Philadelphia and no one is there to watch it, does it make a sound? There, that’s better. Ponder on, you ponderers. I’ll be here while you insert your thinking emoji down in the comments at me. PS, it just shows up as a couple of weird squares if it shows up at all. The latter is absolutely fine when your user name is ‘Eat A D@#$, Sky’ cuz you’ve already told us all what everyone was already thinking. But where were we? Oh yeah, the answer to said question is ‘the sound of your pen breaking as you write Tommy Joseph into your cleanup spot on a regular basis’. The Phillies tricked the baseball world that doesn’t pay attention to stats into thinking they were good for a few weeks to start the year. It was a fun ride while it lasted guys but now that it’s over, let’s look at said stats and why we should care. The Phils are a mediocre offense but when they face a lefty? Whew…Philly comes in second to last in wRC+ at 62 and give you a 23.8% K rate when facing a southpaw. With that, in steps Robbie Ray. Ray not only gets the bonus of stepping out of Chase Field where he owns a 5.89 ERA to the road where it’s 3.06, he also gets to be a lefty who already owns a 10.17 K/9 for the year. Basically, on Saturday, all the regular season articles are gonna lead with ‘pick up Robbie Ray!’ and you’ll be like, ‘Fool, it was the Phillies and he’s in Toronto next. DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT.’ Ok, maybe that’s just me. Anyhoo, starting Ray at $8,400 promises Ks o’plenty and I’m comfortable in all formats rolling him out there. But let’s stop thinking deep thoughts and get on with being shallow as we’re wont to be. And with that, here’s my God is dead hot taeks for this Friday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 20th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 20th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Throughout my time as a dynasty player, I’ve learned that there’s one thing that’s as inevitable in this format as death and taxes….. turnover. Sometimes it’s simply because a manager no longer likes the format or league. Sometimes it’s a lack of the time element that needs to be applied to properly compete. Other times it’s an incident that disenfranchises owners, and leads them to quit. Well over the last month I’m pretty sure all of these apply to outgoing managers within our Razzball in-house dynasty the Razznasty. There’s been drama, tears, a gang-related shooting, and an arm wrestling tournament in a truck stop. Actually I think I’m confused, all those things happened during my Memorial Day weekend with my in-laws. You know what they say, “sometimes you join the Hell’s Angels, and other times you marry into them”.  Moving along, let’s discuss the standings, trades, and wavier claims for the month of May.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hold the Internet presses (which is just posting a silly video; that makes the internet stop)!  Jonathan Villar isn’t owned in more than 50% of leagues?  That feels like a personal slight against my manhood.  And my manhood is already slight!  Hey, Previous Sentence Grey, not cool!  My bad, Next Sentence Grey, but you set yourself up!  This is like a Yo Momma episode on MTV where everyone called in sick so they had one schizophrenic guy play both sides.  Yo, Momma is so fat her blood type is gravy!  *same guy runs to other side*  Oh!  Oh!  Okay, well, your Momma is so dumb she drafted A.J. Pollock!  Snap!  *runs to the other side, but pulls hammy*  Yo Momma, shoot, can we pause?  My hammy’s torn. *collapses onto ground*  Don’t think MTV didn’t consider the one man Yo Momma show.  Insider talk, they are one of the cheapest channels.  It’s no surprise all of their shows star unknowns.  Okay, this is neither funny nor that illuminating.  I love Villar because SAGNOF.  I hear ya, prematurely balding man, what happens when Arcia is called up?  Well, we don’t know when Orlando Arcia will be called up and Villar can play 3rd (since everyone is over Hill, especially Aaron) or Villar can play 2nd, and Scooter’s a platoon guy that can’t always get it out of first.  Villar has 40-steal speed and should not be on waivers anywhere.  *pulled hammy Yo Momma guy pokes his head up*  Yo Momma is so ugly…Yeah, I can’t continue, my hammy is killing me.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*walks into a Moroccan marketplace*  I got me some Marra-CASH to spend!  Hoo-ah!  Wow, I sound a little like Al Pacino in my own head.  Okay, I’m going to go over to that table that is filled with players to buy low.  “Hello…*reads name tag* Djibooti, I see you’re selling slow-starting hitters for a deal.”  “Good deal!  Good deal!”  “Well, I’ll be the judge of that.”  *picks up Justin Upton*  “This smells like skunk.”  “No skunk!  Good deal!”  *goes through crates filled with albums that have a player’s face on them, lifts Lorenzo Cain*  “How much?”  “Djibooti need to check MLB Statcast.”  Djibooti looks at his iPad, looks up and snatches Cain out of my hands.  “No longer for sale!”  “Damn, Djibooti, don’t put your emotions in a tagine and get them all heated.”  So, Lorenzo Cain obviously was struggling mightily going into yesterday’s game, and, now, not so much — 3-for-5, 5 RBIs with 3 HRs (3, 4, 5).  This is why I rarely sell low on struggling top 50 hitters.  There was a reason they were drafted there in the first place.  Now the buy low is going to be much more difficult too.  “Djibooti, how much for David Price?”  “You take for free!  He’s yours!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

According to the internet, a black hole forms when “any object reaches a certain critical density, and its gravity causes it to collapse to an almost infinitely small pinpoint.” We almost experienced such an event this past week when…

The internet almost broke from the amount of tweets and likes. The earth almost crumbled from the weight and time it took Colon to run around the bases. The jet stream was altered by the jiggles caused by Colon’s stomach. The euphoria and joy made the Grinch like Christmas. It’s curious that there were few mentions of PEDs. I mean, he did get suspended for 50 games in 2012 due to PED use and he just hit his first career homerun at the ripe old age of 42. I’m just saying. Anyways, I’m not here to be a pooper. I loved it. It was fantastic. Plus, there’s always this.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Road trip! Everyone pile in to the Razz van as we head to the dirty south. Hrm, that makes it sound like I’m suggesting you go below the equator on someone who needs a bath or a ‘shot’, so let’s correct this: The Dirty South. There, that’s better. We all know the Atlanta Braves are bad but really, they can be worse than even their season stats suggest. Wanna know how? Throw a lefty arm out at them. I hear what you’re saying, ‘how bad can they get?’ I got really good hearing, what can I say? Well I’ll tell you: they can get 46 wRC+ bad. Sure, you could say they’re due for some positive regression and I wouldn’t argue it but this same team was third worst in wRC+ last year against southpaws at 77 so this isn’t a new trend. The new trend we all savor here on DK is the Ks. Last year, it was a menial 20.5% K rate against lefties but this year, the bottom has dropped out and the #Barves are only second to the Padres in whiffing futility with a huge 26% clip. But hey, that’s what happens when your second best hitter against southpaws is Jeff Francoeur. So with that, I introduce Adam Morgan. He’s a lefty…the end! Fo’really, this is just to see if a perfect situation pans out at a low end $5,500 price. He K’d 7 over 5 IP against the Indians who struggle just a little less against southpaws but still struggle mightily. Because of the matchup, Adam has 10 K upside which brings 10K upside to your bank account. So feel free to join in with my enjoyment of some Captain Morgan while we ease into covering the rest of the slate. With that, let’s do this. Here’s my Flaming Dr. Pepper hot taeks for this Tuesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’d like to dedicate this post to all the mothers out there, and to the most important mother in most of our lives, Manny Machado.  The Oxford Dictionary defines mother, “something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale.”  So, one can say that Manny Machado is the mother of all shortstops and 3rd basemen.  Yesterday, on Machado’s Day, a true mother in the most arcane sense, he went 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (8, 9).  He’s gaining shortstop eligibility for next year because Hardy hurt himself and the Orioles realized that necessity is the Machado of invention.  So, next year, is there any way he’s not in the top three overall for all of fantasy?  I guess if he gets hurt.  Did I just jinx him?  What a Machado f**ker!  Whatever the case, there’s no way I can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that I understand; you are appreciated.  Sweet Manny, don’tcha know, I love ya (Dear Machado).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Bryan Price, always one for colorful language, should go full Tony Montana about his relievers, “Look at that, I got a junkie bullpen, mang.  My bullpen is so polluted!  I can’t even have a save with that bullpen.  It’s so polluted!”  After his Montana rant, Price could clarify who will save games in his bullpen through a string of curse words and em-effers.  Yesterday, Price said they’d go to a committee.  Great, maybe they can make a camel.  Hoover’s out, Jumbo’s gone because his physique reminded them too much of their ERA.  Caleb Cotham could see some saves, and he’s been good vs. minor leaguers, but he’s been honing his craft in the minor leagues for a while.  This isn’t like a potter who needs time to hone his ashtray-making skills before hitting the big-time flea markets.  Being in the minors long just means you might never achieve success in the majors.  Going for Cotham is that he throws righty and he hasn’t failed yet.  Then there’s Tony Cingrani, who I grabbed on Tuesday.  He has been decent enough in the bullpen this year, but he’s a lefty and he blew the save yesterday in the 8th inning.  Oh, and there’s Blake Wood, who is reminiscent of Jeanmar Gomez, and we know how well that turned out.  *intern whispers in my ear*  Seems that so far Jeanmar has worked out okay.  For now, I’d own Cingrani then Cotham, but this is nigh-thurr pretty nor set in stone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

arizona-diamondbacks-cap-logo-2007_present

Welcome to the 2016 Razzball Team Previews! You’ll find everything you need to know about each team to get yourself ready for the upcoming fantasy baseball season. And I mean everything, folks. We’ve got line-ups, charts, Slurpees, lube, a guide for beginner electricians, and even a cactus! Well, that’s a lie. That’s what Jay had last year sitting in front of him. This year? Um…a little less lube? Take that as you will. But hey, we’ve got teams to preview and questions to ask, so let’s hop to it. We a very special guest for this post… James Attwood, to provide his take on what the team has in store this season. Now enough rambling, let’s see what 2016 holds for the Arizona Diamondbacks!

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3rd basemen are the new Dolly Parton.  They are so top heavy they haven’t seen their toes in years.  After the top ten 3rd basemen, the rest are a wing, a prayer and Winger doing a cover of Living on a Prayer, which can’t hold a candle to Bon Jovi, because A) Jersey B) No one can hold a candle to Bon Jovi because of Jersey. C) There’s no C.  D)  Jersey!  I can’t remember a position like this for any other year in recent memory, but I’ve killed my brain for years with hard drugs.  If you don’t have a 3rd baseman by the 100th overall pick, you might be kissing your 3rd baseman position goodbye.  Literally, smooching your computer monitor like you’re in that Spike Jonze movie with Scarlett Johansson robot-talking.  By the way, Johansson is 31 years old, in nine years, she’s gonna be old.  In nine years, I’m gonna be distinguished.  Damn, Hollywood, you’re messed up giving me these ageist ideas!  As always, my projections and tiers are noted.   Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?