Fantasy Baseball Advice

Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  While your feet are stompin’!  Sorry, hard to stop that once I start.  Kevin Youkilis was placed on the 15-day DL with his jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  Youkilis was diagnosed with a tear of the muscle that helps contract the thumb.  It’s a rare injury.  Hey, maybe they can name it after him.  Careful, brah, you’re gonna give yourself The Youk Thumb!  Sounds like Youk won’t be rating movies anytime soon.  If the injury is exacerbated, it could be career threatening.  DL him for now while you wait for more news, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Youk’s not back for a while, if at all this year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Lowell – Started at 1st base for the Red Sox and hit a homer.  Last August, Lowell put up 14/5/15/.319 numbers, which is pretty much what you could’ve expected from Youuuuuuuk.  There’s no guarantee Lowell has that month again, but if you’re really hurting for a corner man, there ya go.

Ryan Kalish – 2-for-3 and now batting .500 since his call-up.  He showed a little bit of everything in the minors this year — 13 homers/25 steals.  The nice thing is he shouldn’t kill you like most rookies because he has a good eye.  Also, he spoiled Perez Hilton’s favorite descriptor for a pitcher who K’s a lot of batters, e.g., “Stephen Strasburg – he’s K-lish!”

Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks until he was ejected for going after Tackleberry.   Not sure who Red State Jeter was trying to impress but you don’t yell at Shelley Duncan.  He will high five you in your head.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hallelujahs!  D’Ellsbury is ditching the D and returning.  He’ll be back today.

Ryan Howard – To the DL with sprained ligaments in his left ankle.  Alas, the big man’s out.  Stupid Phillies infield and their stupid infieluenza epidemic.

John Mayberry – Was recalled to take Howard’s place.  He’s about the only one that can fit into Howard’s spot without it looking too big on him.  Mayberry’s a hacker with power.  I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues, but not in mixed leagues until we see how much playing time he gets.

Peter Bourjos – Was called up by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  His name makes him sound like he should be a hockey bruiser, right?  Then again, everything I know about hockey I learned from Sega.  Bourjos stole 50 bases in 2008, 32 in 2009 and 27 this year.  The Angels moved Double I to right field for the first time since 1999 to accommodate Bourjos.  You don’t make that move unless you plan on playing the rookie.  Plus, Scioscia loves these types of players.  He’s the anti-Earl Weaver.  If Scioscia could put Reggie Willits at DH without being committed to an insane asylum, he would.  I’d grab Bourjos for the chance for some sweet, sweet SAGNOF!  He could steal 10-15 bases in the last two months and he has the fizzle for some pop.

Yunesky Maya – The Nats signed their number one raftee this past weekend.  Last year, Maya was the runner-up to Aroldis Chapman in Ks but won the Luis Tiant, the Cuban equivalent to the Cy Young.  Maya, a Latin 28, should need very little time to acclimate himself to U.S. ball, given his experience.  He left Cuba with a 2.51 ERA in six years.  You can think of Cuban ball as Triple-A with less capitalism.  Might see Maya in the majors in the next few weeks, depending on how his starts go.  In NL-Only leagues and keepers, I’d grab Maya now while the rest of your league is sleeping.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d wait to see how his minor league starts go.

Juan Francisco – Step right up, ladies, I’m giving out all kinds of rookie nookie today.  Francisco looks like he was called up for bench depth since he didn’t start yesterday even with Votto out.  Francisco is a must-own in NL-Only keeper leagues with a 30 homer bat at 3rd base.  Once again, in mixed leagues, we first need to see how much time he gets.

Michael Wuertz – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he pitched in the 7th inning of a tie game.  Luckily (if you own Wuertz), Breslow then came in and gave up the winning run.  I’d still hold Wuertz.  That’s what she said!

Mike Leake – 5 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You guys can find some way to keep in touch without you owning him.  Exchange emails or friend him on Facebook.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save as Meek threw in the 7th and 8th inning.  Looks like the Pirates are happy with Meek throwing multiple innings while Hanrahanananan works as the closer.  You can hold Meek if you like, but you look a little desperate.

Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate is having a heckuva couple of weeks.  He left yesterday after getting beaned in the cantaloupe with a pitch by Mike Leake.  Can’t you do anything right, Leake?!  Dread’s neck is sore with a bruise.  I’m guessing he’ll miss at least a game or three.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs.  Kinda eerie the 2009 Coghlan vibe I get from Walker.  Decent Runs/Not Much/Decent RBIs/Nice Average/Bleh Speed.  All day, every day.

Thomas Diamond – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks in 122 pitches.  Did the Cubs wear their throwback uniforms and Dusty managed this game?  Diamond was once compared to Roger Clemens when he was drafted in the first round overall 6 years ago.  5 years ago, he was compared to Nolan Ryan and voted the best prospect in the Rangers system.  Then, he met Dr. Freeze.  A Tommy John surgery and a few mediocre seasons later, he’s back.  His Ks are for real, but his walks could get ugly at times.  I’d grab him in NL-Only leagues and deeper mixed keepers immediately.  In redraft leagues, it depends on how bad you need the gamble.

Angel Sanchez – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs.  I know Angel Pagan.  I know Angel by Aerosmith.  I do not know Angel Sanchez.  BTW, the Astros scored 18 runs and no one in fantasy benefited.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  I know you ordered raw, but he’s cooked.

B.J. Upton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday and is now batting over .350 in the last week as he led off yesterday.  He’s going to end the year with a 12/45, .250 line and you’re going to look at him in next year’s preseason and you’re gonna forget all about the ulcer he gave you for four months this year.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In May, the clock struck midnight on this guy’s ERA.  Where’s the freakin’ pumpkin?!

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This was a tough matchup.  Next start is vs. the Indians.  Don’t mind if I do!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks in Coors.  Sonavabench!

Andres Torres – 3-for-6 with his 11th homer.  Everyone owns this guy by now, right?  I don’t need to keep pointing him out, do I?

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and batting .333 since his return.  Yes, you should pick him up.  Yes, you too.  And you.

Luke Scott – In case you dropped Scott because you were ‘done with him,’ he just hit his second homer in two games.  Luke Scott will tell you when to drop him.

Brian Roberts – 0-for-4 and batting .229 since he returned, with 3 steals.  You’re thinking that’s the thanks you get for holding him for all those months, but in reality he’s teaching you a valuable lesson.  In the preseason, don’t draft guys that are already hurt.

Juan Pierre – As the old joke goes.  A psychic looks at Hitler’s palm and says, “I predict, Fuhrer, that you’re going to die on a holiday.”  Hitler, “What holiday?”  “It doesn’t matter.  The day you die will be a holiday.”  To use that train of thought, Pierre always homers on a holiday.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Oh, it’s on.

Joe Saunders – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he’s pitching better than Haren.  Why wouldn’t he be?

Mark Reynolds – Three run homer then he was plunked in the helmet.  Mini Donkey’s probably bray-to-bray.

Aaron Heilman – Was unofficially named the closer by Kirk Gibson when he said something like, “I’m not naming a closer, but there’s only one guy in the bullpen who’s even looked half decent and his name sounds like Baron Heilmon.”

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a sore right shoulder.  The Indians doctor said Hafner’s shoulder is especially prone to soreness because he has to carry around that giant head.

Carlos Santana – Officially placed on the DL with a left knee sprain.  It’s spraining men!  I imagine the Indians will move Santana to the 60-day DL for the rest of the season.

David Freese – Ankle surgery forces Freese out for the rest of the season.  That’s why La Russa likes squirrels better than people.  No ankles.

Matt Capps got traded and kept his job, Rauch didn’t get traded and lost his job, Octavio Dotel got traded and lost his job, Brian Wilson didn’t get traded but is moping because his shoes are no longer shiny.  It’s the bullpens, ya’ll.  Just yesterday Lindstrom was out with a sore back that he hurt when he tried to get the A’s replacement closer in his fantasy league.  That’s a true story in opposite world.  On the top of the rankings, Wagner made himself a $12 Salad.  On the bottom of the rankings, I wanted to move Chris Perez into the Donkeycorns, but he needs more time in the role first.  He’ll be a Donkeycorn by September.  Mark my words!  But don’t mark them on your computer, that doesn’t come off.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
3. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Ryan Webb)
4. Billy Wagner (+4) (Takashi Saito, Kyle Farnsworth)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Octavio Dotel, Hong-Chih Kuo)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
7. Jose Valverde (-3) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
8. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda)
9. Rafael Soriano (+1) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
10. Brian Wilson (-1) (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
11. Ryan Franklin (+1) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
12. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
13. Neftali Feliz (+1) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
15. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
16. Matt Capps (+2) (Jon Rauch, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
17. Brian Fuentes (+3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Huston Street– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Tulo in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. David Aardsma (+1) (Brandon League)
19. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon)
20. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
21. Brad Lidge (+2) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)
22. Bobby Jenks (+2) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
24. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Belisle, Manny Corpas)
25. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock)
26. Drew Storen/Tyler Clippard/Sean Burnett (-8) (Miguel Batista)
27. Joel Hanrahan/Evan Meek (-7) (Sean Gallagher)
28. Alfredo Simon/Mike Gonzalez (David Hernandez)
29. Aaron Heilman (+1) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
30. Michael Wuertz/Craig Breslow (-19) (Brad Ziegler, Andrew Bailey, Lou Ferrigno)

What I never understood about the trading deadline is why wait until the last second to make a trade?  Did the Padres really wake up on July 31st and think they suddenly needed a bat?  Wasn’t this apparent on April 2nd?  I understand you don’t trade for pieces if you’re out of it, but the Padres, for instance, haven’t been out of it all season, unless they assumed they weren’t contending when the season started.  Maybe they wouldn’t have got Ryan Ludwick, because the Cards may not have been selling him in April, but they needed someone.  Then there’s the other deals that remind me of my friend who buys things just because they are on sale.  “Do you really need a 120 count box of chicken bouillon?”  “No, but Shop-Rite was selling Chicken Bazillions for only $2.99.”  So, in that vein, do you really need Matt Capps when Jon Rauch is serviceable?  No, but we’ve been dying to shed these upside prospects and the price was right.  Deep thoughts by Grey Albright, I suppose.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Traded to the Yankees.  This is one of those moves that’s actually better for fantasy.  In real baseball, adding Berkman to the Yankees lineup is like adding pecan sandies to a tray of chocolate chip cookies.  Hey, if you like a pecan sandie, then go for it.  I think you were fine with the chocolate chips.  Let’s face it, leaving Houston helps anyone’s value.  Berkman goes from between Keppinger and The Glue They Once Called El Caballo to hitting in an All-Star lineup.  Hey, Runs and RBIs, nice to see you again.  As I mentioned in the comments when the trade went down, A-Rod’s sitting at 16 homers, so don’t expect The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium That Ruth Built to suddenly add 20 homers to Berkman.  He’s still old and struggling.  Value goes up, but only so much.

Ryan Ludwick – I always want to write Lyan Rudwick.  Not sure why.  Anyhoo, Ludwick goes to the Padres.  This move is almost lateral for Ludwick.  Maybe a slight nudgwick up on value.  He wasn’t playing every day in St. Louie, but he wasn’t hitting in Petco either.  That’s six of one, half dozen warning track fly outs.  Ludwick seemed like he ran his course in La Russa Land, so the fact the Padres appreciate him might boost his confidence.  It’s the Sally Field syndrome.  Ludwick, “They like me!  They really like me!”

Joel Hanrahan – Remind me not to pay attention to Buster Olney anymore.  First he tells me Cliff Lee is traded to the Yankees then he says Hanrahan will be the closer only to watch Dotel get traded and Meek to enter the closer picture.  Olney, you’re on notice.  If you have room, you need to own both Meek and Hanrahananananan.  The good news is they’re both solid.  I do think Hanrahanananan is the first one to get saves.  Meanwhile, Dotel’s a don’t own.

Aaron Heilman – With Qualls going off to the Rays, this should clear up who’s closing in Arizona.  Now Heilman is not good, but they really can’t keep going to Gutierrez.  With the season he’s had, Gutierrez shouldn’t even be pitching in the major leagues anymore.  And if you were holding out hope Qualls would turn his season around, you can now safely take him off life support, Kevorkian.  (Speaking of which, I watched the HBO movie with Pacino and Sarandon this weekend.  Wow, Al and Susan got long in the tooth.  This was like when you go back to your old high school to see your former teachers and they’re all so much older than you remember them and it’s very depressing. Then, just when you didn’t think it could get any worse, you run into the hot English teacher you used to have a crush on and she has short gray hair and she’s wearing slacks from Ross, Dress For Less and she coyly mentions how she just got divorced and you think you might actually have a chance now and that makes you want to vomit on the Philly fan who vomited on another Philly fan.)

Ryan Howard – Left the game after jamming his ankle.  I’m holding a candlelight vigil that he avoids DL.  As of right now, the x-rays were negative, which is positive.  Hopefully he just misses a few days.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – I’d give a dollar to hear a Masshole pronounce Salty’s full name.  Saltymochachino could be a sneaky dynasty pickup for those in deep leagues.  For now, he’s bench depth for the Sawx.

Randy Wolf – Hit with a line drive on his wrist.  He immediately left the game pist.

Ted Lilly – He’s been solid in away games this year, but terrible at Dodger Stadium over the last three years.  That was facing the Dodgers and not the Padres, Giants and Diamondbacks.  As long as the Lilly handles SoCal better than Snookie handles SoCo, this looks like a positive all around for him.  Don’t think he gets much better than a mid-3 ERA going forward, but he’s a solid number three fantasy starter.

Ryan Theriot – Speed guys’ values don’t really change with a new environment.  Terry-O do what he do, which is fine at MI.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games and a 7 game hitting streak.  It’s now or never time for Gordon and it looks like he’s going the now route.  Grab him immediately.

Rick Ankiel – Since Bobby Cox doesn’t have much time left, it makes sense the Braves are looking towards the immediate future.  And by immediate future, I mean August.  Ankiel will split time in the outfield, which will hurt his value, but he wasn’t helping his value much anyway.

Martin Prado – Fractured his pinky and will probably be DL’d on Monday.  Alfonseca would’ve just grown a new digit.  If you need short term help, Infante should see the majority of the playing time.

Blake DeWitt – 3-for-4, 1 RBI.  His Mom was hot, but he’s an end of the lineup hitter with little power or speed.

Aramis Ramirez – Just when you thought he turned the corner, he goes and turns another corner to end up back where he started with thumb problems.

Cristian Guzman – I’m embarrassed to say this, but in leagues where I need runs and average, I actually grabbed Guzman.  In one league, I’ll be blahtooning him with Desmond.  In another, him and fahgettaBartlett.  When you punt MI, these are the choices you need to make.  Guzman should have value until Kinsler returns, which may not be until the end of August.  Yes, Kinsler’s out for a while and didn’t do shizz when he was playing.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The one earned run and win hide the 5 walks in five innings, which isn’t a great sign moving forward.  He’s just as risky today as he was on Saturday.

Stephen Strasburg – ESPN reported Strasburg threw with no pain.  They’ll be reporting later when Strasburg ‘goes to drop a deuce.’

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I feel like his season has gone relatively unnoticed.  He has 150 Ks in 136 IP.  That’s the 3rd best K-rate in the major leagues.  His xFIP is 2.92, which is the best in the majors, just above Halladay and Johnson.

Daniel Hudson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Haren move was questionable for the Diamondbacks, but they redeemed themselves with this get.  I love Hudson in NL-Only leagues and keepers.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see January Grey write a sleeper post about Hudson for 2011.  Gets the Padres next and has mixed league matchup appeal.

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-6, 6 RBIs with two homers.  His cuckoo clock must’ve alerted him it’s August.

Dexter Fowler – Robbing what would of been Alfonso Soriano’s 2nd homer of the day, Fowler knocked hard against the wall.  As he was carted off the field, I began to look for replacements for him.  My guess is a 15-day DL stint.

Matt Lindstrom – As if there’s not enough closer news already, Brandon Lyon picked up the save yesterday because Lindstrom has a sore back.  You know I grabbed Lyon in a few leagues.

Jeremy Hellickson – First let’s see what Stephen had to say when he went over him, “Hellickson has a lively low 90′s MPH fastball that tops out at 95, a curve that is thrown between 77 and 79 mph, and a solid changeup…. Overall, he has been able to keep a good K-rate, above-average control, and is keeping the ball in the park fairly well.   A middle of the rotation pitcher is a definite reality.”  That was prior to his 2010 minor league season, but not much has changed.  In 117 2/3 IP of Triple-A this year, he has 123 Ks, only 35 walks and a 2.45 ERA.  He’s getting the well-deserved start today vs. the Twins.  That’s the good news.  And there’s a lot of it.  I’ll be tuning in to watch him pitch.  The bad news is he doesn’t have a spot in the rotation.  After the start, he may be sent back down until September.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After the game, Ozzie said, “Don’t even get me started on Caucasians.”

Edwin Jackson – Shame on you, White Sox.

Jorge Cantu – I already went over the Cantu trade, but since then it was revealed that Cantu would platoon with rookie, Mitch Moreland.  The Rangers need a rookie lefty in the lineup at all times?  Very confusing move.  Feel like it’s taking righty/lefty splits too far.  Either way, this hurts Cantu value, which was margin already.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If you started him vs. the Yankees, you deserved this start.  But you probably didn’t so now you hate him even more than when you were starting him and he was putting up a near-5 ERA.  He’s totally messing with you.  Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

Jeanmar Gomez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He had a 5.70 ERA in the minors.  That’s a red flag with a skull and crossbones on it.

Chris Perez – Will now take over full-time closing duties for the Indians.  He’ll be a Brain Freeze in this afternoon’s Closer Look, but he could perform like a Donkeycorn the rest of the way.  Oh, and for people who understood that last sentence, thanks for reading.  Pour some out for the people who read Donkeycorn and were like, “What the eff is this guy talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”

Jake Westbrook – Scary thing is this, Westbrook, Kearns and Wood is what the Indians had to trade.  Even Houston had Oswalt and Berkman.  Maybe Duncan can do the voodoo that he do, but I wouldn’t grab Westbrook outside of NL-Only leagues until I saw him go.

Kerry Wood – For the first time ever, Yanks and Wood in the same sentence isn’t going to be a pleasant experience for male Yankee fans.

Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him.  On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9.  That’s on a scale of 1 to 8.  The good news is it’s not his arm.  It’s his dorsi muscle.  Peavy’s a dolphin?  Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news.  To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)”  Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint.  You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire?  That’s him!  He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times.  He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms.  Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag.

Yovani Gallardo – To the DL with an oblique strain.  Won’t be back until the end of the month as YoGa tries to get stretched out.  Namaste.

Brad Penny – I faintly remember him pitching this year.  He was good, wasn’t he?  He was shut down during a simulated game, experiencing more soreness.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the pain?

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-5 with a homer as he hits near .450 in the last week.  Or “For Fiddy,” if you’re sending a care package to the G-Unit.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ow.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with a homer.  All he does is hit (when he’s first called up then disappears into oblivion).

Delmon Young – 3-for-3.  Now hitting over .400 in July after a .320 June.  Know what would be nice?  If he were batting higher than 8th.

Carl Pavano – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  That, sir, is no line from a man with a mustache.  Shave immediately!

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  His homer totals from 2005 to 2009 were:  9, 13, 7, 9, 28.  Does one number look off?  Yeah, well how come you didn’t listen when February Grey told you that?

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Thursday’s afternoon post was going to be about how Clay-T Richard, along with a bunch of other SPs, were pitching over their head.  Consider this a preview.

Mat Latos – Here’s Bud Black for the last three months.  Latos won’t be limited, won’t be limited, won’t be limited, then yesterday he said he’d probably be limited.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers after he took the better part of June off.  I missed your touch, Black Keys.

Jayson Nix – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  If you’re struggling to catch a spark at MI, I’d grab Nix and ride the heat.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a homer.  This year Johan has one homer every 30 ABs.  Jason Bay has a homer every 50 ABs.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 as he returned to action.  He was running hard, not favoring any side (back?) pain.

Matt Diaz – 3-for-5.  It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  For a while, it was touch and go while it looked like Brian Moehler was ghost riding the Wandwagon, but now it looks like he’s back.

Carlos Lee – Hit a homer yesterday along with Lance Berkman.  Must’ve been throwback night at The Juicebox.  Did Jeff Bagwell throw out the first pitch underhanded because of a hurt shoulder?

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He shouldn’t be pitching this well.  If you’ve heard that before, it’s because I’ve written it before.

Kosuke Fukudome – Hit his 2nd homer in 2 games.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday, “…he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Too bad anyone in their right mind has either dropped or benched him by now.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Kirk Gibson went into a press conference the other day fist pumping and said, “I have no idea who the closer is.  Maybe it’s Qualls, maybe it’s that lady in the front row of all the games that had me sign her breast.  These things haven’t been decided yet.”  I think Qualls gets first look, then Front Row Lady.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  On pace for 120 RBIs, less than 30 homers and like no steals.  Feels like he still hasn’t had one crazy hot streak, so he can easily bump up his numbers to 35 homers and 10 steals.  In other words, same shizz, different year.

Jose Guillen – Left the game with an injury, probably will head to the DL.  Maybe the Royals can now trade him for Mike Jacobs.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer in 19 games.  The Royals are playing him, as they should.  You should consider it too.

Jhoulys Chacin – 3 IP, 4 ER in middle relief as he makes room for de la Rosa, who’s due back this Friday.  In NL-Only leagues and deep keepers, I’d hold Yo-lease with his nasty K/9.

Chris Iannetta – Now has 3 homers in his last six games.  Unfortunately, those six games are separated by 11 days.  From the files of Sad, But True:  Iannetta has only one less homer than Wieters.

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Putting together a nice year as long as you sit him vs. lefties.  Ooh, I know!  Trade Matt Diaz to the Rockies and let him platoon with Smith.

Vicente Padilla – After a typical start, after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks start.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 with a home run and two steals.  Or as it’s more commonly known, a slam & legs.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3 with a home run.  I told you to sell him at the very end of May.  In June, 2 homers and 5 steals with a .297 average.  In July, 1 homer and 1 steal with a .176 average.  So 3 homers and 6 steals with a .280 average.  I think we can agree there’s guys with less name value giving you the same.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Brewers who have only scored three runs in the last three games.  Mad-Bum’s pitching better than I thought he would.  I’d absolutely grab him in mixed leagues, but you run the risk of getting roofied at any point.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 21st homer as he took a late hit off The Sauce.  Alfredo, that is.

Armando Galarraga – Sent to the minors.  I wonder if he’ll drive his Corvette.

Felix Pie – 2-for-6 in his return to the lineup.  So what’s to like about Pie?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  In AL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d take a flyer.

Chris Tillman – Should replace the DL’d Millwood.  Tillman started 4 games earlier this year and gave up 14 earned runs in 15 innings with his worst start coming in San Fran.  I wouldn’t pick up Tillman with your team.

Nick Markakis – 5 HRs, 2 SBs on the year.  Evidently, he’s a hypochondriakakis and gleaned from Luke Scott and Brian Roberts that hitting HRs and stealing bases leads to injuries.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with ankle pain after clearing the plate with his foot.  The last Red Sox that got hurt clearing the plate was Sam Horn who pulled his abdomen partaking in a pie-eating contest.

For the first time in over two years, Jonathan Papelbon is no longer a $12 Salad.  I know, call your Congressman.  Pass Prop 12.  There’s been signs for a long time that he wasn’t the same closer from 2007.  I didn’t want to move him because he seemed like the epitome of a $12 Salad.  Overpriced lettuce? Yeah, random italicized voice, sorta.  Cool, now I’m totally confused. I think Papelbon has the name value attached to him that makes him seem more attractive than he really is.  His WHIP is kinda bleh.  His ERA’s kinda ugly.  His dancing is hideous.  For the first time in a while, I can see Papelbon’s cracks.  And, uh, cracks kill.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
2. Jonathan Broxton (-1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso)
3. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
4. Jose Valverde (+3) (Phil Coke, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano)
7. Joakim Soria (-2) (Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Billy Wagner (+5) (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
10. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
11. Andrew Bailey (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
13. Jonathan Papelbon (-10) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
14. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
15. Leo Nunez (+2) (Brian Sanches)
16. Francisco Cordero (-2) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
17. Jon Rauch (-2) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
18. Matt Capps (+1) (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Brian Fuentes– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Napoli in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. David Aardsma (-3) (Brandon League)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brian Fuentes (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)
22. Octavio Dotel (Evan Meek, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Brad Lidge (+5) (Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
24. Bobby Jenks (-1) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
25. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
26. Huston Street (-1) (Manny Corpas, Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
27. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock, Carlos Villanueva)
28. Kerry Wood (-2) (Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
29. Alfredo Simon (+1) (David Hernandez, Jason Berken, Mike Gonzalez)
30. Aaron Heilman (-3) (Chad Qualls, Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez, R.B.I. Baseball’s Mike Scott)