Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Giants brought Brandon Belt back up from the minors where he was batting .293 with 3 homers in 12 games in July.  Last time he was recalled it was the Giants doing their best fill-a-Buster and Belt was a bench bat.  The time before that he was promoted and forgot his game back in Fresno.  “A box of sparklers, a Groupon to the Macaroni Grill, Brandon Belt’s game.”  That’s someone going through a lost and found in Fresno.  So those two negatives led to two (stutterer!) positives.  Bochy started Belt at first and he homered.  I’d look at Belt in all leagues for his sweet, sweet upside, but don’t drop anyone too good or it could end up smacking you upside your head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into today’s roundup, wanted to mention that the fantasy football leagues are signing up over at our sister site, and I’m using the word sister like in Oz.  You click that linkie-ma-who and it’ll take you there.  It’s magic!  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Jeff Keppinger – Of course, Sabean acquired Keppinger.  Rogers Hornsby was unavailable.  Keppinger is a defensive upgrade on the usual flat-footed vet Sabean brings over like Burrell, who plays the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  The mannequin defense requires them deciding if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.

Jose Altuve – His last name is pronounced like Idon’tknowaltuve with the “Idon’tknow” being silent.  With Blanco Polanco headed to the Giants, Altuve is the odds on favorite for the starting 2nd base job.  As the Astros’ field general Mills said, “He’s my second baseman. We didn’t bring him here to sit him.  And please don’t call me General Mills.  And no my favorite player isn’t Coco Crisp.”  Someone sounds like Cap’n Grouchy.  Altuve was tearing up High-A and Double-A this year — .389 average and a 1.017 OPS.  Not bad for a guy who is 170 pounds soaking wet while carrying Juan Pierre.  He also has speed — 19 steals in 52 games in High-A, and 5 steals in Double-A.  If you’re wondering why I’m giving you his low minors stats, it’s because Ed Wade’s Toupee is promoting very raw prospects now.  Just how raw is he, you ask like you’re in the audience at The Match Game.  He’s 21 years old and has only played 34 games at Double-A.  I’d take a flyer on him in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues to see if he can translate his speed and power to the majors.  Best case scenario — a few homers and twelve steals.  I’d pursue aggressively in keepers.

James McDonald – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Though he was the most interesting Pirate starter coming into the season, I’ve abandoned hope for him and wouldn’t go back just because of this start.  He was solid in 2010′s 2nd half, so I would watch him.  BTW, how about those Pirates?  Can’t wait for the Indians/Pirates Fall Classic.  Just when Rupert Murdoch thought things couldn’t get worse, Fox gets that series.  You know what the weather was in London yesterday for Murdoch’s Parliamentary hearings?  Hot and sticky with 100% humility.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Now has homers in back-to-back games and mentions in back-to-back roundups.  Eff me if I have to keep spelling this guy’s name.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Has now hit in 8 of his last 9 games with 3 homers.  He was also mentioned in last week’s post about 2nd half hitters.  Prescient isn’t just a word I can’t spell without Google!

Jim Johnson – Got the save yesterday because Gregg is serving a suspension.  If you’re thinking about going with Jim Johnson, don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

Joel Peralta – Got the save yesterday because the Rays closer worked the previous two days, for what it’s Farnsworth.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.17 ERA and 1.13 WHIP on the year.  Actually having a really solid year, too bad when it comes to young AL East pitchers I’m like Ludacris and too scurred.

Carlos Guillen – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Honestly, I thought he was retired.  Guillen is obviously Spanish for sneaky.  He tends to hit when he’s healthy.  Though that ‘when’ is the size of your grandmother’s gams.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s good, he’s bad, he’s good.  YoGa’s inconsistency can really stretch your patience.

Yuniesky Betancourt – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  As I said in the preseason, “He’s not a good option in mixed leagues.  His 16 homers last year was taking the ceiling off his ceiling and making a new ceiling with duct tape.  In OBP leagues, he’s even worse.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  That’s so Maybin!  With 5 homers and 16 steals, Maybin’s been like a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  It’s Feign Victorino.  The Padres just make me so unexcited to own one of their hitters.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Padres pitchers, on the other hand…  Chop me up and call me a Cobb salad!  Or some other expression of excitement that makes sense.

Alexi Ogando – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he continues to FIP off the Fangraphs Database.

Chris Perez – Blew yesterday’s game after giving up a run in the previous one.  He’s an embarrassment to mullets everywhere (and that’s saying a hell of a lot).  He’s not going to lose the job this quickly, but Pestano is a decent handcuff since the Indians are actually in contention.  The Indians fan, who’s been comatose since April, just woke up to see his Indians in first.  Comatose Indians Fan, “Wow, Grady Sizemore and Shin-Soo Choo must be having great years!”

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with his 2nd no decision in a row because of his bullpen.  Maybe next time when the bullpen wants to watch So You Think You Can Dance?, Garza won’t turn the station.

Sean Marshall – 2 IP, 3 ER.  Carlos Marmol, “See, it’s not so easy!”

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Mariners.  Like the 70′s pinup that Brett Cecil sounds like he’s named after, he both blew and sucked yesterday.  Without looking it up, I think five runs is the most the M’s scored this year.  That gets me Gordon Ramsay mad.  This start was one pathetic scallop!

Michael Pineda – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Since the All-Star selection and game, he’s given up 12 earned in 11 1/3 innings.  It’s the Curse of Atlee Hammaker.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Was oh for his last nine prior to that, so I’m not sure it’s the start of something, but it’s worth monitoring.

Dan Uggla – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Good to see his bats finally arrived after his offseason trade.

Brandon Beachy – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  It’s of little consolation, but you really shouldn’t have started him in Coors anyway.

Ike Davis – He said he might be done for 2011.  The Mets said he’s due back two months ago.

Jason Isringhausen – Looks like I was right about the Mets trying to raise Izzy’s trade value by making him the closer for now, after I was wrong about saying Parnell should be the closer.  I’d hold Parnell for at least the next week to see how things unfold.  Or in the Mets case, just fold.

Brandon Allen – In his two starts since he’s been called up, he’s hit two homers.  He’s also been benched 4 times.  Maybe if he fist pumps around first after every homer, Gibson will play him every day.

Aaron Heilman – The Diamondbacks released Heilman after he put up Byung-Hyun Kim in the World Series-like ERA of 6.88.  Guess they signed one too many Putzes this offseason.

Maybe the fuel you need to burn the desire deep in your belly to be a better ballplayer comes from a fresh start. Maybe you need people to tell you you can’t do something before you can do something. Maybe this is how Morgan Freeman really talks and not just in voiceovers. Nyjer Morgan is going to get that fresh start in the city by the bay.  (Green Bay, but whatever.) This throws a bit of a quagmire into the centerfield situation.  If I am indeed using the word ‘quagmire’ correctly.  Roenicke said it’s CarGo Lite’s job to lose.  I think Melvin is lying to us or himself.  Gomez is bad at — hmm, how do I put it?  — baseball.  I think the ABs break down to Morgan getting 350 and CarGo Lite getting 200.  If I had to bet on one, I’d bet on Nyjer.  This doesn’t mean I think he’s terrific either.  He was caught stealing 17 times last year.  That’s A to the Trocious.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Roger Bernadina – He’s not at mixed league value yet, but, with the clearing of Morgan, Bernadina now only has to beat Ankiel.  Oh, bee tee dubya, Ankiel’s not good.  I could see Bernadina being one of those guys that goes from not being on anyone’s team to being on everyone’s team by the end of the year.

Mat Latos – Scratched on Saturday due to a sore shoulder, but may not go to the DL.  So far in the Spring Training-thingie-ma-whosie-thing that is going on, Latos has given up 10 earned in 10 innings.  I was not out on a limb when I said you should not draft him in any league this year.  Lots of people were saying this.  If you decided to not heed the words of Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (Grey Albright, FML), then you probably won’t listen to me now, but you really should try and sell Latos for sixty-five cents on the dollar.  You goofed by drafting him and he’s gonna be dirty, dust balls this year.  At some point in the next two months, you’re gonna have to DL him for 60+ days.  I’m being serious.

Clint Barmes – Out for a month or two with a broken bone in his hand.  Luckily, the Astros have someone who can hit just as well as Barmes with a broken hand, Tommy Manzella.

Tommy Hunter – Will miss over a month with a strained groin.  Looks like we won’t be seeing his O face for a while.  (Speaking of O faces, I hooked up with my first single Mom recently.  All I kept thinking of was Tidwell telling Jerry Maguire not to shoplift the pooty from a single mom.  Okay, that wasn’t all I kept thinking of.  The thing that kept running through my mind was how a child came out of there.  Was like this thing that I had thought of in only one way my whole life suddenly was something else.  Anyhoo!)

Homer Bailey – Will miss two starts on the 15-day DL with a shoulder impingement.  At some point between ranking the top 80 starters and now, I grew sick of Bailey.  Has he ever strung more than three good starts together in his career?  Kinda rhetorical.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 6th homer of the spring.  You heard it here first, Kendrys is getting Pipp’d out!

Brandon McCarthy – Named the 5th starter in Oakland.  As of right now, not really much here outside of AL-Only leagues.  He could scratch above a 6 K/9 and around a 4.25 ERA if things break right.  Or he could get injured again and be out for the season.  I believe McCarthy is just relieved he wasn’t traded to the Reds.

Aaron Heilman – Was named the D-Backs fifth starter.  I picture he’ll have appeal for match-ups.  For what it’s Wuertz, so far in the spring, Heilman’s been getting emulsified.

Eric Young Jr. – Was optioned to the minor league camp.  All my emoticons are at half-mast.  He’ll come back at some point and do what he was born to do, but for now you have to cut bait.

Mike Leake – Will take over one of the rotation spots freed up by Cueto and Bailey’s DL stints.  As mentioned in the top 80 starters, I’m not a fan of Leake.  No Ks, too many walks.  Maybe in a few years, but right now he’s an avoid like The Noid.

Andrew Cashner – Won the 5th starter spot on the Cubs…er…Silva lost it.  Cashner has nice Ks and is worth an NL-Only flyer, but I’d stay away for now in mixed leagues.  He walks too many people.

Matt Young – Only interesting for those in NL-Only leagues, Young made the team and he has 40 steal speed.  Right now, he’s just depth, but he’s worth keeping an eye on in case McLousy returns to form or if there’s an injury.

Joe Nathan – Will start the season as the closer, but this can change at a moment’s notice.  Keep cuffing Capps. (Alliteration in lieu of wit!)

Ryan Doumit – Snyder might have to open the season on the DL, so Doumit could see everyday ABs.  I’d say he could run with the job, but that would likely injure him too.  Maybe he can walk with the job.

Brad Lidge – Will open the season on the DL due to shoulder pain.  Shocker!  Exclamation Point Police, “That’s sarcastic, we get it.  A period would’ve conveyed the same.”  I’d grab Madson and hope he can suppress his Cuddle Boy tendencies.  Contreras, the AARP Man of the Year, could also see save chances.  Charlie Manuel said, “I’ve had more closers than a dog has fleas.  Now watch as I smash my thumb with a hammer so I forget about my toothache.”  BTW, Charlie Manuel’s old timey-isms made their way to the fantasy baseball team name generator.

Donnie Murphy – Looks like the Marlins went an entirely different way than I thought they would.  Bonifacio will be the super futility man and Donnie Murphy, who sounds like a Boston police officer — C’mon, Murph!  We ain’t causing no harm! — will be the 3rd baseman.  He’s useless in all leagues that needs things like hitting and whatnot.

Yunesky Maya – Sent down to Triple-A.  When Riggleman was asked why he chose Gorzelanny and not Maya, he said, “We’re trying to tire the opposing coach when filling out the scorecard.”

Chris Dickerson – Weird move by the Brew Crew to trade Dickerson to the Yankees for Mitre.  Unfortunately, any sneaky sleeper value Dickerson once had goes out the window.  He’s not the type of player the Yankees give any significant playing time to, i.e., he’s a good player with no name recognition.

Bronson Arroyo – Has mono.  Too bad his guitar playing is in stereo.

In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)

Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares.  Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings.  I don’t blame him.  The GM questions his defense.  The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him.  Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts.  Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!”  I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines.  If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers.  If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now.  Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher.  Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it.  So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value.  Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year?  I suppose, loyal Razzball reader.  But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price.  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering.  This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge.  Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist?  Did Feliciano come in with a left hook?  Did R.A. Dickey give him a knuckle sandwich?  Hard to know.  I think Hisanori or Feliciano are the best bets going forward.

Aaron Heilman – I wouldn’t even mention him if he were owned in more than 18% of ESPN leagues.  You want saves, you grab Heilman.  That is all.

Michael Wuertz – Another guy I’d own before the Hisabobby mess.

Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Brandon Lyon – The five earned runs the other day still stings in my nether regions.  Or maybe that’s an STD.  Anyhoo!  Lindstrom’s either falling apart or injured.  Grab Lyon for the vultures.

Jeremy Hellickson – I haven’t talked about Hellickson nearly enough.  Not!  Should you pick him up?  Yacht!

Mike Minor – The Minor problem (hehe) is his time in the rotation may be limited.  No problems with his stuff though.

Brandon Morrow – How is he owned in less than 50% of Yahoo and ESPN leagues?  He leads the majors in K-rate.  Get it together, people.

Ryan Raburn – Only a Buy because he has 2nd base eligibility and he’s capable of 15 homers… Sure, that’s in over 400 at-bats.  But that’s .04 homers per at-bat!

Omar Infante – I feel silly constantly recommending a guy I don’t even particularly like myself.  Shoot, only two guys are excited about Infante.  Charlie Manuel and Smash Mouth.  Omar, you’re an All-Star, go to third base, get paid.

Jed Lowrie – Has very little speed and power… He’s kinda like Omar Infante without the hype.  You might be thinking to yourself, “Omar Infante doesn’t have any hype.”  Exactly!  Lowrie is hitting .444 for the last week and has been known to get hot for a month at a time in the later months of the year.  Or for one month, once in his career (August 2008).

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Hitting near .500 over the last week with 3 homers.  It just doesn’t get better than that!  Well, it might, but he’s currently hot.

Mike Lowell – If I saw a contending team pick up Lowell, I’d send them a message, “Hey, you could still win this thing, why are you giving up?”  They’ll respond with a variation of, “Why do you say I’m giving up?”  Me, “Because you picked up Mike Lowell.”  Then within a few days, they’ll drop him.  Even if he’s hitting well.  Lowell’s just one of those players that you pick up and feel like you’re just not trying hard enough.

Carlos Delgado – Once Delgado is called up, the Red Sox are going to have the best 2003 platoon ever.

Pat Burrell – Same category as Lowell, not as good eligibility.  Hopefully the newly-acquired Jose Guillen doesn’t hurt his playing time.  re: Guillen; Good to see Brian Sabean hasn’t lost his flair for the flat-footed vet who should be a DH.  You know who Sabean should acquire to play first?  Big Papi.  Or bring Griffey back to play center.  Or at least platoon with Aaron Rowand.  It’s the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  For the Giants outfield, they have to decide if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.  John Dewan heard about the Guillen signing — on top of the recent Burrell signing — and held up his Fielding Bible yelling, “Blasphemer!”

Michael Brantley – Had 46 steals in Triple-A in 2009.  Had 13 steals in only 67 games this year.  If you need more, I’m not sure I can help you.

Ryan Ludwick – I could’ve put Chris Denorfia in this list too, but because of a lot of red tape and legalese I’m not allowed to put three Padre hitters in the Buy section.  (Though you could say I just did mention Denorfia.  Sneaky!)

David Murphy – I’ve been pimping this schmohawk for about a week.  Why, Grey, why so much love? Cause he’s hot, random italicized voice.  Oh, thought there might be more to it. Nope, he’s hitting over .400 in the last week with three homers.  Pretty interesting. Okay, you interject, random italicized voice.  You don’t converse.  Snippy!

SELL

Jason Bay – This obviously isn’t a Sell as much as a Drop, but my OCD doesn’t allow me to change the headings.  Think back when you first drafted Bay.  You convinced yourself that he could hit in Metco and the NL.  You were wrong.  Accept defeat and drop him.  Even if he returns, David Murphy has done more in a week than Bay did all year.

Carlos Beltran – Another one of your Mr. Bungle moves.  Really, at this time of the year, I don’t have patience for underperforming guys.  What’s Beltran suddenly going to be, his 2006 self?  Let’s live in the present.  Currently, Beltran has one homer and is batting .214.  That’s nice… Punt!

Chase Headley – Hey, I was a fan of the sleeper Headley in the preseason, but doode never woke up.  He has 4 homers and 4 steals in his last 200+ ABs.  I just popped a zit in a mirror and the puss spelled out, “Blech.”

The Cuban legend goes that Aroldis Chapman once threw a fastball so hard that it caused Fidel Castro to say, “I haven’t seen something so beautiful since a young Charo.”   Knowing that Fidel is a huge Charo fan, that’s not mild praise.  (Fidel co-wrote Charo’s unauthorized biography, “My Cuchi-Cuchi” with Kitty Kelly.)  The problem with our Cuban friend, Aroldis, and it’s a pretty major problem, there’s no spot for him in the rotation and he’s been pitching strictly as a reliever for a month or so.  He’s on his way to the majors and I’m foaming at the mouth to own him in keepers and leagues next year.  He can be a top 25 starter next year.  Alas, for this year, you’re looking at a long man out of the bullpen.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  First, wanted to point out that the RCL Standings and Fantasy Razzball Standings have been updated.  Anyway II, here’s the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Brian Duensing – Okay, I’ve mentioned him now to the point where it’s going to start to seem like I really³ like him.  His K/9 was terrible in the minors and not much better in the majors.  He has been able to keep his ratios all tidy-like and he gets the Indians next.  I’ll buy that for a dollar!  (Not much more though.)

Daniel Hudson – Is it Dan or Daniel?  Can we get a ruling on that?  I’m more bullish in NL-Only leagues on Hudson, but he has the stuff to make a difference in mixed leagues.

Yunesky Maya – Let’s see what I said the other day, “He left Cuba with a 2.51 ERA in six years.  You can think of Cuban ball as Triple-A with less capitalism.  Might see Maya in the majors in the next few weeks, depending on how his starts go.  In NL-Only leagues and keepers, I’d grab Maya now while the rest of your league is sleeping.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d wait to see how his minor league starts go.”  And that’s me quoting me!

James McDonald – Nice K-rate, terrible team for wins, potential trouble with walks, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions on a sesame bun.

Mike Minor – I just bounced your brains over the fence for a ground rule double with my Mike Minor fantasy.

Joel Hanrahan – You know what he’s getting in Pittsburgh.  He’s getting saves.  A’la Ric Flair, “Wooooooo!”

Drew Storen – Clippard’s pretty unusable right now and Burnett’s a lefty.  Storen’s the man to own, so why is he unowned in 65% of ESPN leagues?  Because 64% of ESPN leagues are abandoned.  You make sure you’re not in that 1%.

Aaron Heilman – SAGNOF!

Chris Perez – Honestly, he should’ve been owned at least a month ago so if you’re in a league where he’s unowned (30% of ESPN leagues), then you’re not reading this anyway.  So I can write anything here and you won’t read it.  So… I was the one who finished your milk, didn’t flush the toilet that time – you know the one, pulled the string on your favorite t-shirt that made it unravel and cut you off on your way home from work.  And I’m not sorry!

Omar Infante – In your RP slot is about the only place he’s not eligible to play.  If you’re looking for runs and average, you could do worse.  Aaron Miles, for instance, he’d be worse.

Neil Walker – If you get an erection for longer than 15 minutes after picking up Neil Walker, you should see a doctor.  But he is hitting right now.

Luke Scott – In 290 ABs, he has a line of 46/20/47/.286/1.  Markakis has a line of 49/8/39/.291/4 in 412 ABs.  Zoinks!

Chris Johnson – In the last ten games, he’s batting .444 with 3 homers, 7 Runs and 12 RBIs.  Put it another way, 7/3/12/.444.  Yet, one more way, Pick/Him/Up/Now.

Alex Gordon – “What’s with all the guys on this crizzappy teams?” asks your inner monologue.  The good teams are vying for the playoffs and not giving these Razzbags a chance.

Kila Ka’aihue – Now if the Royals just called up Mike Moustakas  and started serving Spam kabobs at all home games.  Why am I not in charge of a major league team?  Or at least in charge of a major league team’s concessions?

J.P. Arencibia – I just went over my Arencibia fantasy.  Find your way there.

Peter Bourjos – You know the episode where Alex P. Keaton takes speed pills and starts moving a mile a minute in his rolling chair?  That’s Bourjos.

SELL

Jay Bruce – What a disappointment.  I’m unfriending him on Facebook.  We’re through.

Carlos Santana – Hey, Rob Thomas called.  He hopes your knee surgery goes smooth.

Vladimir Guerrero – Has anyone else seen the Walking with Dinosaurs ‘stunning theatrical event?’  Pretty cool (if you’re 12).  So I was watching one of these lumbering beasts.  Let’s call him Vladasaurus, cause I don’t remember what they called him.  So Vladasaurus was moving through his natural, artificially recreated habitat and then he began getting days off.  The robot trainers, or what have you, wanted Vladasaurus to be fresh for the postseason or whatever they called it.  This had the opposite result and Vladasaurus ended up looking rusty and not knowing whether he was coming or going.  Then, one day, Vladasaurus jumped into the stands and mauled a man body painted in the Oakland A’s green and gold.  I wouldn’t trade Vladasaurus for LukeScottasaurus, but they could be closer than you might think.