I’m going to live tweet this post: Tweet: #pitchingissodeep, we can lose every third starter and still have enough pitchers to go around. Tweet: Pitching isso deep? What’s an isso? Tweet: Why do I care where you ate dinner? And why am I following you? Tweet: @SolangeKnowles I’d hold the elevator door for you. Tweet: Twitter bores me. I’m done with this. So, there you have it, our first live tweet post. I’m so hip; tweeting shizz like a baller! Why do I think ballers don’t use many semi-colons? Is there a less hip punctuation mark? Jose Fernandez has an elbow sprain, which is code for you’re fudged in the effhole if you own him. If you want, I’ll form a prayer rhombus with you, but I gotta be honest, since I don’t own him, my heart won’t be in the rhombus. I’ll be faking the rhombus. You’re better off with someone else. Until Andrew Heaney is ready (June), the Marlins are likely to fill their empty rotation spot with Brad Hand or Kevin Slowey. Too bad they can’t find room for both, then they can get The Pointer Sisters to sing, “I want a rotation with a Slowey, Hand.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tom Koehler – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER. The Regression Fairies drive a PT Cruiser, they’ve seen Celine Dion in concert — four times, and they will rip your heart out.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-3, 3 runs and the slam & legs. It wasn’t all great yesterday for Yelich because his mom forgot to pick him up after the game and he had to take the bus back to the hotel.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer and 4th in the last nine days. I like May Pweeg a lot. I hope June Pweeg can do some romancing of my stones too.
Carlos Quentin – Could be activated on Tuesday. If so, ESPN reported that on Tuesday the Padres lineup will be fully intact for the first time since September 2012. In September 2012, they were 13-13, so expectations are sky high.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. After every pitcher yesterday got pounded in the early games, I feel like a heel asking Porcello for more Ks, and now my hand smells like my foot.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs, hitting .315. This was his 4th homer and 5th steal. I sure hope he’s caught Hunter Pence’s stat OCD and wants to keep his homers and steals close. I Hope, Part II: I’m Greedy, Y’all! he stays healthy and gets 20 homers and steals. It’s the least he could do for me (he owes me nothing).
Steve Clevenger – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Best day for The Clevenger since it gave girls on South Beach half-off if they’re wearing their bikini.
Alex Cobb – Will begin his rehab assignment on Saturday, which means he’s about three weeks away. From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears.
Stefen Romero – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I’d say he’s swinging a hot bat, but he’s hitting under .200 in the last week so Romero will make me look like a joker.
James Jones – 2-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .391, but will almost definitely be benched today vs. a lefty, so I wouldn’t yet drink the Jim Jones Kool-Aid.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last 3 days. What’s that white billowing substance emitting from a burning hot schmotato?
Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA is up to 3.03. Rarely is there ever a buying opportunity for F-Her, without catching solicitation charges, but this could be a chance.
CC Sabathia – Headed to see Dr. James Andrews about the fluid in his knee. Sabathia should see if the good doctor can turn it into a snow globe. That would be cool.
Mark Teixeira – Didn’t start due to groin tightness. TMI!
Carlos Beltran – Headed for an MRI on his hyperextended elbow. That’s what happens when you try to tie your shoelaces without bending over.
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. People who were just born this year, let’s call them babies, aren’t going to ever understand the value Kuroda once had in mixed leagues that he no longer possesses, due mostly because babies don’t understand anything but lactating boobs.
Derek Jeter – 3-for-4. Jeter’s always hit the Mets well. Even when they were the 19th century New York Metropolitans.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a slam & legs. He only has 8 steals on the year, which makes me think age is starting to catch up to him. He only seems young compared to other Yankees.
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting near .450 in the last week. Did you know Solarte is Spanish for ‘hot schmotato on the sun?’
Bartolo Colon – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Speaking of lactating boobs. Wasn’t that what Bartolo had injected into his elbow to get new life on his fastball? What did you think I meant? You’re silly! By the by, how many times has the phrase lactating boobs been used in your other fantasy sources?
Rafael Montero – With Mejia moving to the bullpen, Rafael becomes the 3rd Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle to make the pros, joining Miguel(angelo) and Jesus Dontahitto. No word yet on Leonardo. I went over Montero yesterday, saying, “Prospect Scott already gave you his Rafael Montero fantasy. It only disparaged me three times. His numbers in Triple-A are outstanding — 8.9 K/9, 3.67 ERA — when you consider he’s pitching in the PCL, which is the equivalent to pitching on the moon. I grabbed him in one deeper mixed league.” And that’s me quoting me linking to Scott!
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. After the game, Grandy was happy to be back in Yankee Stadium saying, “It’s nice to be able to see the outfield fence from the batter’s box.”
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! When Schwarzenegger’s maid told the media about their love child, her English wasn’t great and said the baby was d’Arnold’s.
Kyle Farnsworth – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. It’s hard to know if this means anything in relation to Jeurys Familia because he had pitched three days in a row. Hold tight, young, prematurely balding man.
Tim Lincecum – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER,6 baserunners, 11 Ks. I’ve been looking for a starter to replace Alex Wood, and I’ve got a winner. Notice the lack of an exclamation mark. I’m scared, or scurred if Mystikal is reading. Lincecum’s peripherals just look so damn good — 9.6 K/9, 3.1 BB/9 and 3.19 xFIP — that I couldn’t resist.
Angel Pagan – 3-for-4, 2 steals. I get it; your knees are fine. Message received!
Tyler Colvin – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. Matthew Berry’s keeper league is looking up!
Gavin Floyd – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Gavin, you’re the reason I had to do the petrified waiver grab with Lincecum, and I will hold you personally responsible if it blows up in my face.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Wow, he has 7 homers? I own him in a league and I thought he had, like, two. Did he sneak into the scorekeeper’s office?
B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. For everyone that dropped B.J., he says you can suck it.
Martin Perez – MRI revealed no tear in his UCL. Dr. James Andrews said, “That’s because you didn’t let me look at it.”
Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Asstros. Sure, yesterday was a gimme — hey, gimme died, say please! — but Lewis has looked solid since he returned when you ignore his 4.99 ERA and look at his K and walk rates and his xFIP. Not ‘every start’ decent, but decent streamer for matchups, which is not his next start on the Stream-o-Nator.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. After Odor’s homer, the entire Rangers dugout should’ve pinched their nose.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer and third this week. It was around this time last year that he got scorching hot too. Somebody set their iCal to remind April Grey of this next year. Thanks!
Brad Peacock - 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 11 Ks. Keep getting strikeouts like that Peacock, and your owners are gonna spray all over the bathroom wall.
Josh Collmenter – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks as he gave up a homer to T Moore in a battle of Razzball commenters.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting near .400 in the last week with five steals. Hot schmotato alert!
Addison Reed – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. This was only his 2nd blown save, but he’s got a 5.03 ERA and has given up runs in four of his last five games. Meanwhile, his setup man, Brad Ziegler, has a 0.86 ERA. In two leagues, I speculated on Ziegler, but I don’t think it’s only a matter of time.
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Was a bad day yesterday to be a J-Z.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer to go along with Tyler Moore‘s 1-for-4 and 3rd homer and Ian Desmond‘s 5th homer as he also went 1-for-4. Somewhere in baseball heaven, Earl Weaver is smiling down, taking a moment from arguing with an angel.
Jesse Chavez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.44. I wonder if his terrific year so far is some kind of crazy tie-in with the new Cesar Chavez film. Never trust Hollywood!
Jim Johnson – The ninth went like this: Abad gave up a quick earned run, then Johnson entered and gave up a quick earned run, and then Sean Doolittle got the equally quick save. If you’re scoring at home, an impotent A’s bullpen went Abad, Johnson, Doolittle. Next save should be Doolittle or Gregerson.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. When he hits a home run, I always think he’s going to go on a hot streak — Dayan day out. It doesn’t work out that way as often.
Mike Olt – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer and 4th this week. He’s hitting around .160 vs. righties so it’s hard to recommend this llama for an everyday start, especially watching him make an out against Daniel Descalso, but I did pick him up over the weekend (and dropped him prior to yesterday, because I rosterbate so much I’m gonna go blind).
Junior Lake – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 4th homer. The Cubs are content platooning him, though he’s a righty that hits righties better, according to his splits, but Lake’s sample size is about the same size as yours coming out of a lake.
Emilio Bonifacio – 4-for-5, 5 runs. Was nice to not have any pitchers going yesterday, besides Porcello. Maybe MLB worked out the logistics to the strongly-worded email I sent them that they should allow steroids one day a week. My opener, “Mr. Bud Selig, remove your toupee right now, I don’t want it falling into your eyes midway through my email.”
Ian Stewart – To the DL with a hand contusion. Tough blow for his fans, the Stewart Root Bears, who are frothing for anything to cheers to.
C.J. Wilson – 6 IP, 5 ER. Curtis Jackson’s owners might’ve wished they traded him for Fiddy Cents on the dollar.
Colby Rasmus – I was like, “It’s a short schedule day, where’s Rasmus in the highlights?” Then I see he left the game due to a tight hamstring, and I was like, “It’s a short schedule day, where’s Rasmus in the highlights?” Totally forgetting what I had just saw.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Next year, I’m going to rank him very high in my 2nd baseman rankings. I’m typing this from the backseat of my DeLorean. Next to me is Gyorko, “People aren’t taking my Lawrie love seriously, because of you, Gyorko, now start hitting as we go back…to the present!”
Mark Buehrle – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, moving his ERA to 2.04 and record to 7-1. Your American League All-Star Game starting pitcher is…Mark Buehrle! “Don’t do it, it’s a trap!” That’s Atlee Hammaker.
Jose Bautista – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. On Dwayne Murphy’s LinkedIn page, it’s a picture of Bautista. I know, because I got invited to friend him. In fact, I think I’ve been invited to friend every person in the world. Stop with the spam emails, LinkedIn, and, no, I don’t want to be Willie Aames’s LinkedIn friend!