Pitching my life with his words. One time, one time. What, you don’t get down with The Fugees remix? By the by, Wyclef, musical talent, instrumental to success, pun noted. Lauryn Hill bonkers talented, pun noted. Pras? Um… Well… An actual refugee? True story, Wyclef once walked into my mom’s chiropractor office and asked her to massage his butt. My mom declined…Or so she tells me! Marcus Stroman did a little dazzle number last night — 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks — that hinted at his true talent level. Why has he looked like Pras’s career post-Fugees? Because he’s a rookie and prone to roofies. The pretty remarkbuehrle thing about his numbers thus far is he averages a 94 MPH fastball (that’s terrific) and an under 2 BB/9 (also terrific). A guy that can throw bullets and aim them will translate into an ace very quickly. To see what kind of thing the Royal We is talking about — his Triple-A numbers were 11+ K/9 and a 2.3 K/9. If that happens in the majors, he’ll be a top 10 starter. For serious. Unfortch, for now he’s a streamer in most mixed leagues with a chance for upside. Yesterday, the Stream-o-Nator liked him and next time out it loves him, so I’d give him a little how’s your father, good, thanks for asking, but he’s still risky. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Bautista – Out a few days with a hamstring strain. I’m concerned that the Jays are making a mistake by not putting Bautista on the DL, and he re-aggravates his hamstring in a week and then needs serious time off. Then again, I stand at a crosswalk until a blind person comes along and explains how many beeps I’m listening for because I don’t trust my own two eyes. Anthony Gose (2-for-3, 4th steal), who sounds like a mash-up name when someone forgets the actor’s name from Top Gun, will probably see everyday playing time in Bautista’s absence. He’s SAGNOF, so if you have a need, a need for speed, there ya go.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Lonnie Baseball aka Lonnie Gonnie nearly hit four in one game. “But he did not.” I know, Mark Whiten, but only four homers from Lind is downright shocking. More shocking, he’s hitting .343 on the year. Zoinks!
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4, 1 run. Snooze! Wake me when he hits a homer. Grey digs the long ball.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Must…resist…urge…to…pick… Ugh, eff it in the eff hole, I’d pick him up if you’re struggling for power.
Andrew Cashner – News came out that he wasn’t scratched due to a possible trade. He was scratched with a sore shoulder and was placed on the DL. Padres, for future reference, I’d go with him possibly being traded rather than a shoulder injury for the excuse. The Padres are like the guy in college that people assume slept with a hot girl and he’s like, “No, I couldn’t perform.” Let the rumor mill do the work for you, guys, c’mon.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K. I was thinking the rain in the Despaigne might fall mostly on the hot damn in this start. Could continue for his first few starts because when flame throwers first come up, they overpower everyone until people realize to lay off due to their wildness. The puzzling thing was he only struck out one. I could see anywhere from an 8 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks game his next one to a 4 IP, 5 ER, 8 walks game. Happy bidding in deep leagues where you’re waiting for him to get added!
Matt Cain – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Padres, raising his ERA to 4.82. Cain walks into a cavernous pit of darkness. “Hey, Verlander, you still here? Verlander?” No one replies. Cain cries, joining his fantasy owners.
Travis d’Arnaud – Recalled by the Mets. Fun fact! In France, they call the former California governor, Schwarzenegger d’Arnold.
Adeiny Hechavarria – Missed his third straight game with elbow stiffness. Must be watching too much elbow erotica.
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 3.52. Pick him back up! I’m kidding. Or am I? Intern, cue evil laugh! Solid start vs. the old-as-phuck Phillies, and I wouldn’t trust him in his next start, as the Stream-o-Nator points out, i.e., in most mixed leagues, he’s a matchup guy for now. If he pitches great in his next start, then we’ll need to reevaluate our reevaluation.
Cody Asche – 3-for-3. He’s tired of all his teammates giving him life lessons and telling him about their cherished memories of the 80’s from before he was born, but he’s playing through his annoyance. Asche is five for his last seven, and he was a preseason darling, so you know I still have some love for him.
Alex Cobb – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.10. I’m not one about being shy in dumping and pumping and onto the next fish, er, Ray. Cobb is pitching about as well as he did last year when he had a 2.76 ERA. He’s been a hair worse on fly balls surrendered, but hitters look like they’re making slightly worst contact. Obviously he hasn’t been as terrific as billed in the preseason, but he should get better, which means there’s a buying opportunity here if you don’t own him.
Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (2 walks), 1 K vs. the disa-Rays. I don’t even know how Volquez only struck out one hitter in eight innings and only gave up one run. SAT question of the Day! Edinson Volquez is to garbage as vomit is to A) Vomit B) Vomit C) There’s no C.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and two steals (11, 12). He’ll probably end up around 25 steals again this year, but I think he can steal a lot more bases. Light bulb! We get someone to impersonate Scott Boras and call up McCutchen to tell him to steal 45 bases because that’s the kind of thing the Yankees are going to look at in 2019.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Pedro from Pittsburgh! Member that? Ah, we were younger then. And you had more hair!
Alfredo Simon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.92. If he gets nominated to the All-Star Game, he’ll be doing a reverse Carl Hubbell. You know, because he’s already faced a murderer’s row.
Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-1, two walks and one grand slam, his 13th. Damn, he’s going to be overrated next year. And not just on Rotoworld. Not gonna be able to sniff him until 2016, after he disappoints everyone next year.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 8th steal as he bats .284. Well, Votto will come at a discount next year.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.53. King Scrabble has held his low ERA a lot longer than I thought he would, but maybe he really wants to get out of Chicago. I bet he’s one of those deadline trades that his new team immediately regrets. Unless it’s the A’s. They don’t regret anything.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .287. San Salvador, the Patron Saint of Abuelitas, is top 7 on our Player Rater for catchers. Seems like Lucroy, Gattis, Mesoraco and Norris have all had a chance at number one. Give Sal his moment for all the blue-haired bitties who have longed for a grandson as loving.
Jarrod Dyson – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals. “Rajai, did you see how good I did yesterday?” “It’s well. Now get me my piss bucket!”
Caleb Joseph – 3-for-3 and his 2nd homer in as many games. Caleb Joseph also sounds like he’s on everyone’s family tree if you go back 150 years. Joseph was stuck behind Wieters, so seemed like a non-factor, because the O’s were willing to let him rot away. Not that he’s anything that amazing, but he did have 22 homers in Double-A in 2013 (though he was old for that level last year). He could hit for some power for AL-Only and deep two-catcher leagues, but probably will struggle to hit .230.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. The Grande Dolor!
Ronald Belisario – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and his 5th blown save in the matter of five weeks. I need eye muffs when he’s pitching. Ronald Very-sorry-yo is pathetic. When it says on his player page “POS RP,” it’s not standing for position. No, that POS is standing for something dramatically different. I’ve never wanted a manager to do a closer committee before. I looked at picking up Jake Petricka, Zach Putnam and ended going with Javy Guerra, but his use is sporadic and Daniel Webb was owned in my league, so I think I’m just throwing crap at the wall. Hey, kinda like Belisario!
Marco Gonzales – Cardinals are calling up their first round pick from last year to start in Coors. They’re all Daryl Hall ‘say no go’ with their hitting prospects, but the Cardinals really throw their pitching babes to the woods. Since Gonzales played college ball — at Gonzaga, apparently it’s an actual college and not just manufactured for March Madness every year — he isn’t one of those 13-year-old first rounders. His numbers are eye-popping at Double-A, but he works in the low 90’s on his fastball and leans on a changeup, so he probably won’t be an ace. Most say he’ll be a number three to four. Since Joe Kelly will be back soon, Gonzales will likely only be around for a few starts, so I’d lay off the rookie nookie for fear of a roofie, especially in Coors.
Lance Lynn – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in Coors. Oh. *bugs out like Crazy Eyes from OitNB* OH! Okay, I’ll say it for you, sonavabench!
Matt Adams – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and two homers, one for each moob. That gives him eight homers on the year and ten times yesterday he was confused for Louie Anderson.
John Lackey – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER in Safeco. Like everything that goes bad in Seattle, I blame Courtney Love.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Somebody’s hot like sauce.
Logan Morrison – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (3, 4). So, that was the batty call I was supposed to make. He hasn’t done anything in the games leading up to this, but a huge game most times leads to the confidence to call oneself a hot schmotato (without a tinge of sarcasm).
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.01 from 4.02. 16 more starts to a 3.85 ERA!
Wilson Ramos – Expected to be activated on Thursday, which is critical if he wants to fit five DL stints into one year.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks in Miller Park. Not an easy start, and the stat line looks decent, but behind the line, which is less interesting than behind the music or behind the curtain or really behind anything, are numbers that look a little wonky. He had 114 pitches and only 68 strikes. Matt Williams did get ejected due to arguing balls and strikes so– Oh, who cares, Tim Kurkjian competed in the Sausage Race! “Daddy, why is the Kielbasa making dolphin noises?” Kurkjian, “Did you know there are eight million kielbasas consumed in the U.S. every year, which when put together weigh the same as my PT Cruiser?” *voice squeaks, cat dies*
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, batting .310. I wonder if I could get Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage to figure out a way to have LaRoche and Zimmerman switch bodies.
Bryce Harper – Will play some center field during rehab. “Where’s that hot air coming from on my neck? Is someone trying to give me a hickey?” said Denard Span. This would be good news for Espinosa’s playing time and bad for Span if it were to play out with Harper taking over center and Zimmerman staying in the outfield, but I doubt playing time, uh, plays out that way. Span will sit occasionally and Espinosa will sit occasionally or until Harper runs head first into a foreign object. You know what all this is leading up to, right? Harper one day running head first into Brett Lawrie.