The Braves called Tommy La Stella up to replace Fuggla. Here’s what I said about a month ago, “Incredibly, we already had a Tommy La Stella fantasy post. Don’t you people sleep?! There, Dano compared him to Pedroia and not because he needs his tippy toes to get on a roller coaster. I think that comparison might be a tad bizzonkers. Or as the gentle fantasy writers of our day would say, “That’s a bit more bullish than I’d say.” Has any group of people said the word bullish more? This word feels like it’s dominating all fantasy conversations. It’s a polite way to say, someone is smoking more crack than another person. Of course, in a world of small sample sizes, anything could happen, but La Stellllllllllla looks like an NL-Only play with a chance for 5 homers, 7 steals and a decent average if he were called up in June.” And that’s me quoting me! Now that he’s been called up, I’d add him in deeper mixed leagues (think 15+), but I still don’t have high hopes for him outside of maybe a decent average. He’s basically a forty-twenty. If Fredi Gonzalez had any brains in that squishy melon on his shoulders, he’d bat La Stella leadoff and move Heyward down the order. Smarts and managing baseball teams don’t always go hand-in-hand though. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gavin Floyd – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 2.37, which is great in IRL and IFL, but it’s making all ERAs that came before it seem just a bit less impressive, so thanks to Gavin Floyd we may never see a midget handing Pedro Martinez a Hall of Fame plaque. If you rob us of that, Gavin, the world we will never forgive.
John Lackey – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (zero walks), 9 Ks. I’m predictable, but zero walks with a bunch of Ks gets me excitamundo. Right now, his K-rate is 8.54 and BB/9 is 1.76. As I’ve said on Razzball’s TV on the radio, when a guy has a plus six difference between his K and walk rate, he’s ownable and startable everywhere. Lackey’s no different.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .287. Speaking of 4o20′s, Bogaerts is about as yawnsiptating as a middle infidel can get. Hey, Bogaerts, of all the stadiums, in all the towns, in all the world, steal a base or hit a homer!
A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Member when I said the other day he gets hot? Well, he still is.
Khris Davis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer and 4th this week. Seriously, just put your password in the comments and I’ll pick him up for you. Yes, you can drop him for Davis. Yes, him too. Yup, and him.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. Don’t be fooled by his win yesterday, he’s inching his way back to hot garbage on a cold day in hell.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and two homers (18, 19). Okay, so he’s either going to get terribly hurt in the next two weeks before he gets 27 homers or his teammate, Chris Davis, is going to demand the return of his 2013 Louisville Sluggers that are filled with racquetballs. Or at least give them to Adam Jones!
Carl Crawford – To the DL with a fudged up ankle. He was brought into the clubhouse on a wheelchair and then left on crutches. It’s a miracle!
Matt Kemp – 0-for-4. With Crawford on the DL, Kemp should see everyday at-bats. Like he’s some kind of scrub. Jesus, Mattingly get yo’ shizz worked out in therapy for what your ex-homegirl did to you and stop taking it out on your players.
Matt Cain – Ready for his Saturday start. Fun fact! When one reads a lot, they are considered ready.
Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 Hits, 5 Ks. Can’t believe the Giants pulled him with a no-hitter going. Sure, he gave up four walks, but tiddlywinks that’s diddlysquat! On the fo’reals, Linceum is more prone to walks than my dog’s bladder. What happened to this young brother? He used to be the cat’s meow, purr. The Stream-o-Nator likes his next start in Cincy, but I think it might be smoking the same thing as Lincecum.
Matt Adams – Didn’t start yesterday with a tight calf. I’m gonna go out on a pretty sturdy limb and say that is the only tight part of his body.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies can tell the difference between electric crimson and fire brick, they wear bicycle shorts and they will rip your heart out.
Kolten Wong – 4-for-5, 1 run. Between Uggla and Fielder going down and picking up Mini Donkey and Wong, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Better than my wedding!
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, 2 steals, hitting .268 with 2 homers on the year. What happened to the people who were so insistent in the preseason that Yankee Stadium would make him Jacoby Mantle-Maris?
Danny Duffy – 4 IP, 5 ER. I could’ve got enough of that not-so-wonderful Duffy.
George Springer – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his ninth homer. Astro fans are brushing off their old Killer Bee costumes, wrapping their heads in gauze and saying, “These bees are out for The Spring ER.”
Chris Carter – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. Who has two thumbs, a mustache, a Cougar that wears leopard print and picked up Carter before this game even finished? This guy! I picked him up almost as fast as he can strikeout on three pitches — bring it on Hurry K’d Carter!
Jarred Cosart – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K. His strikeout rate, walk rate and ERA are nearly the same. That’s a triple threat of awful!
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays. Sonavabench! But you really couldn’t have started him here no matter what your hindsight is telling you. By the by, did you know the term hindsight started on a rap video set? A rapper said he couldn’t see the teleprompter due to a hoochie mama’s hindquarter and it was said he had hindsight.
Wil Myers – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. To mix religions, Jesus, when did this guy hit his last home run? I was praying for a star mitzvah.
Liam Hendricks – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Aussie starting pitcher looked decent yesterday, but if you own him you will roo the day. On a separate note, he sounds like one of those clumsy basketball centers from Scandinavia. C’mon, you know Liam Hendricks’s family hangs out with Rik Smits’s.
Jason Kipnis – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department says, “Get him in your lineup!”
T.J. House – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Batters were having a hard time picking up the ball with House’s cane and bizarre bedside manner.
Ronald Belisario – 1 IP, 1 ER and his third blown save, though he was the escape goat. A stubborn manager + not very good options = Heather Locklear. Huh? Wow, math is off there. Was supposed to equal “a bad closer keeping his job.” Belisario really shouldn’t be the closer, and maybe he won’t be anymore, but it’s not exactly clear who would be. Javy Guerra set him up last night, and Daniel Webb has been. Your guess = my guess. Hey, that math was right!
Yu Darvish – Expects to start Saturday. Assuming he sleeps standing up.
Joe Saunders – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Kyle Gibson 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Twins and Rangers battled to a 1-0 game. I think Malcolm Gladwell would say the Rangers fell victim to a form of the Broken Windows Theory. The Twins look bad, so the Rangers just didn’t bother.
Tim Stauffer – 1/3 IP, 7 ER. When I saw this, I immediately went to see who in my NL-Only leagues owned him. Like Shaggy said, wasn’t me!
Tommy Medica – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Medica actually has some power (18 homers last year in the minors), and I could see looking at him in very deep leagues, but his playing time isn’t totally clear yet.
Chase Anderson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. That’s nice, but he gave up three unearned runs and I wouldn’t go near him.
Martin Prado – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Prado looking like a chip off the old Prada knockoff! You’re a damn saint if you had the patience to wait Prado out for almost two months, but he’s finally rewarding you.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Looked like he was getting cold there for a moment (hitting .200 in the last week), but he’s starting to turn it back on. It’s the continuation of the schmotato!
Chris Owings – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. He had two hits in his last 22 at-bats coming into this game, so I wouldn’t exactly say he’s been owings pitchers.
Aaron Hill – 0-for-5 as his team scored 12 runs. Ticker tease!
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Au Shucks!
Anibal Sanchez – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.49, but lost the game when Joe Nathan gave up a game-winning homer to Josh Donaldson (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer). In other words, I hate Wins and Joe Nathan equally. Can’t they make Nathan’s elbow ligaments into a hot dog?
Torii Hunter – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer and 2nd in as many games. Hoping him and V-Mart have a special Zombino handshake where they raise their arms and awkwardly walk into each other.
Scott Kazmir – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Because he will get hurt at some point, I suggest taking every start of Kazmir’s like it could be his last. Then get on a bull named Fumanchu for 2.7 seconds.
Felix Hernandez – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.57 and moving his record to 7-1. Gonna have to step up your game, F-Her, if you don’t want Murray Chass to vote for Mark Buehrle!
C.J. Wilson – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is at 3.05. Exhibit A that I’m a moron. I should’ve never dropped Wilson after his first start. Exhibit B that there’s a lot of pitching, I still have a 3.05 ERA on the year in that league. Exhibit C, there’s no Exhibit C.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer and 2nd in three games and third homer in eight games. Must…resist…urge…to…drop…Parmelee– Actually, I don’t have to resist that urge. I’m proud to welcome Lucas Duda to Grey’s Fill-In For Prince All-Stars!
David Wright – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) & legs (3), hitting .304 on the year. Here’s a guy whose name value far exceeds his actual fantasy value. Right now, on our Player Rater, Mark Reynolds has been a more valuable 3rd baseman, and Wright has only earned around $11 worth of value. Think about how much you paid for him in the preseason. Was it $11? I doubt it. And no I’m not bitter just because David Wright dissed Cougars everywhere last year (I’ll never forget!).
Domonic Brown – 0-for-2, hitting .203 with 3 homers on the year. To Tehol, I play the Third Eye Blind song, Jumper. “I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend…”
Charlie Blackmon – 0-for-4. I think you’re getting your answer on whether or not he can keep it up.
Justin Morneau – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Him, along with the rest of the Rockies offense seemed to really disappear lately. Oh, wait, they’re on the road. Yeah, that makes sense.
Ryan Zimmerman – Took batting practice and when he returns in a week or so (we’ll see), he says he’ll play 1st base, 3rd base and left field. The Nats should’ve hired Manny to coach them, so Zimmerman could learn to hit Werth with the cut-off throw. Since he’s barely been rosterable as a third baseman, I don’t think outfield eligibility is going to help him.
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, raising his ERA to 4.07. What a snooze his season has been so far. Keuchel or Zimmermann? I’m not sure the answer is as obvious as it seems. On the bright side, his BABIP is insanely high and his ERA should be almost a full run lower. Too bad none of my leagues have a xFIP category since I don’t play in a Netanyahu league.
Nate McLouth – 4 hits in four at-bats with his 4th steal. Quads are wild, like when the Murderball team took over Senor Frog’s in Cancun.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 1st homer. It’s an early Christmas miracle! He has a five-game hitting streak and the homer is a great sign that his hamate bone could finally be feeling better. I’d definitely give him a shot if someone in your league got sick of him.
Henderson Alvarez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 2.97, but left with elbow soreness because the Fantasy Baseball Overlord was bored.
Casey McGehee – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He dedicated his huge game to a friend he made in Japan, Yubiko, who was either a giggling male or female inside a life-sized anime costume that stood outside a convenience store McGehee would frequent.