This lede is a little different than past weeks. This lede is about winning your damn league. This is about fantasy baseball streamers. When the Stream-o-Nator heard I was doing this post, it had this to say, “It’s been an honor to help you in your leagues this year. When I was growing up, a small boy in R-Kansas, and getting these weird feelings about my sister in her bathing suit, I thought my future would be either jail or late-night film showings sitting between Fred Willard and Pee Wee Herman. Then Al Gore invented the internet, allowing me pleasure in the basement of my mother’s home and I discovered I had a special gift for picking fantasy baseball streamers. My wildest dreams have come true in every way imaginable. Is this oversharing?” So, if you need a start in the final ten days, in SON we trust to pick streamers (or to weirdly creep us out). You see Ricky Nolasco vs. the Mets with a score of 113, what the hey? You see Ryan Dempster vs. the Mariners and see his last start was terrible, but you fall back into the Stream-O-Nator’s arms, thinking if Namond Brice can trust the corner boys, you can trust SON. You see Homer Bailey and you just hope he doesn’t fail you like he’s failed you time and time and time again. If you need the starts, here comes the SON (doo doo doo doo)… Here comes the SON and I say it’s all right. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Nate McLouth – This is Grey Unplugged, “McLouth’s palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy… There’s vomit on his Orioles jersey already, Mark Reynolds’s spaghetti… McLouth’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs…”
John Mayberry Jr. – Some player has to breakout for no apparent reason when they’re no longer of the prospect age, so why not Mayberry next year? Probably about two dozen reasons…But, hey, we’re talking about for the next ten days and he’s hitting .300+ over the last week.
Starling Marte – For the first time in about twenty years, people were excited about the Pirates. They were the zeitgeist! (BTW, isn’t it odd how dated the word zeitgeist is?) Now, they look like, well, the Pirates, but Marte is a quality add for runs and steals for the stretch run– Chipper, “Ow! Why’d you have to say stretch?”
Yonder Alonso – Last week, I threw caution to the wind and added a bunch of Padres hitters to my RCL team. I tell you this to explain why the Padres hitters seem to have all gone cold, as they should be. I’m desperate for average, so I held Alonso (by his shoulders, stared deep into his eyes and said, “Please just get me some hits.”).
Anthony Gose – SAGNOF!
Norichika Aoki – He’s not under our 50% owned threshold, but I have to mention him. There is no hotter hitter than Aoki. Or as they call Aoki in Detroit — Made In Japan? What a bunch of effin’ bullish*t!
Cameron Maybin – Had been dealing with a sore Achilles, but he returned yesterday and he’s hitting over .350 in the last week. Hopefully, the sore Achilles was just a pause in the action for Ca-Ma.
Denard Span – He’s hit in every game but one since his return to the lineup and has two steals this week. He’s also the Random Outfielder That Is On And Off Waivers All Year So Every Team Will Own At Some Point And You Only Want Them When Hot. Or ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, if you find acronyms easier to remember.
Chris Nelson – He’s broken off all communication with his brother Gunnar and he’s remained scorching hot in the last week.
Everth Cabrera – Following a hazing incident, there’s talk of banning EverCab from all college campuses. Now what happens when you want to enjoy some jungle juice while listening to light pop-rock? Wait, that’s Everclear. EverCab is just a middle infielder with speed.
Eduardo Nunez – He’s had about one and half good games in the last week. Hey, it’s that time of the year where you look for anything.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Has two homers in the last ten games and, if you’re dying at your corner infidel spot, he has decent pop. That’s not to say he has decent soda, if you’re reading this in the northern fly-over states.
Jason Kubel – Last time I told you to drop him he hit two homers that night, then he went 0-for-21 and missed four of six games. So, I guess, drop him tomorrow.
Jason Kipnis – This boychik’s been pretty craptastic since the ASB (3 homers, 7 steals, .222 average). Might’ve been the mishegoss they’re calling The Curse of the Jewish Delicatessen that affected Kipnis and Kalish, leaving them scratching their tuchus’ derma. Oy.
Clayton Kershaw – What’s he gonna get this year? Maybe one more start? Sure, if Della Reese touches his hip. Della Reese isn’t even planning on being in LA. She’s doing a tour of her one woman show, “Grits and Determination.”