“I’ve had a vision so great, as it came to me I wept.”
Greetings! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, and last night I witnessed Stephen Strasburg grasping his ankles, shutting his eyelids, gritting his teeth, and receiving the kind of punishment I haven’t seen or thought possible since Tupac verbally accosted the Notorious B.I.G. and his entire crew back in 95. Witnessing this made me think of the film Waterworld. Why you ask? I’m not 100 percent positive, but it’s probably the way superstar, Kevin Costner, was slammed by critics for his dry, mediocre performance in the same fashion I continuously bash Strasburg for his ineptitude on the mound. This brought on a vision of intertwining Strasburg and Waterworld, into another epic fantasy baseball post, and when the vision hit me, I wept tears of joy.
Really, Beddict? Waterworld? What’s next, Dances With Wolves? What?! It’s throwback Thursday, is it not?! Strasy as the most hyped pitching prospect in the history of baseball and Waterworld (did you know Jack Black was in this film?), which at the time of it’s release was the most expensive film ever made, are extremely similar if you take a few moments and really get ballz deep in your analyzations. Waterworld didn’t fulfill America’s wants and needs (it did fairly well overseas) and Strasburg seems destined to similarly dissatisfy. Let me be clear guys/gals; This isn’t the end of the world by any means. I mean, hey, Waterworld was an extremely enjoyable movie and I’m sure you all agree… no? Most of you then? A few of you? ONE OF YOU!? Either way, the point is this; Though the film never came lived up to the immense hype, it still did well outside of America and sold enough copies on DVD to eventually make a profit. A very small profit, but a profit nonetheless.
Strasburg still has elite abilities, but seems to be missing whatever “it” is that makes Kershaw or Darvish undeniable superstars. I chose Strasy as my preseason Cy Young winner, going with my heart that this would be his breakout year, fully transforming into the G.O.A.T. we all wished he would become. Alas, that doesn’t seem to be in the cards as he’s been uninspiring in 3 of his 4 starts, including one of the most disgraceful outings of his young career this past Tuesday. Words cannot begin to describe the pain and anguish I felt while witnessing that performance. Let’s just pray to the Elder Gods that he’s not injured (he probably is) and hope for a quick turnaround.
I’ve decided to do Game of Thrones every two weeks. This way, it gives everyone a chance to catch up on the show and it also delivers me more quotes to pick and choose from. Everyones’s a winner, yay!!!!
For this week though, it’s Waterworld time, and I’ll sprinkle in some of Dennis Hopper’s character, Deacon’s quotes, for the sake of everyone’s enjoyment (possibly only mine). Now let’s relish another installment of Disgrace/Delight.
Xander Bogaerts– The whole no power/no speed thing is really beginning to wear on me. Oh, did I mention Bogomil here doesn’t have a single RBI this season (he just had his first after I submitted this post)? He seems to only produce base hits at the most inopportune times, as far as helping the Red Sox is concerned. Everyone keeps telling me, “he doesn’t like the cold weather.” Are you effing kidding me? Another one of my low-life friends told me recently that it was just a
Dominican Aruban thing. I’m sorry, but those comments come across exceptionally racist, not to mention pathetic excuses for not being able to be a productive member of MLB society. Was that too harsh? My apologies, I’m just sensitive since a sizable portion of my fan base are composed of Dominican Aruban women. Those a$$es!
“Well, I’ll be damned. It’s the gentleman guppy. You know, he’s like a turd that won’t flush.”
These three turds need to be flushed somethin’ fierce, ya’ll:
Matt Lindstrom– As I tried to warn you a few weeks back, Lindstrom is an absolute toad of closer. It blows my mind that he’s being paid to play professional baseball, let alone being the back-end stopper for what should be an up-and-coming team. Don’t fret, my friends, for his time is nearly at an end. One more blown save should put rookie, Daniel Webb, in as closer. Inserting Lindstrom at closer and expecting saves is like throwing Christian Slater in a big budget film and expecting anything better than an epic failure. Gross. Just gross.
Brandon League– Let me get this straight for ten thousandth time; The Dodgers gave League $22.5 million guaranteed before last season, even though they already had an obvious upper-echelon closer, Kenley Jansen on their roster, making nothing? Let me reiterate what I said last year after this ridiculously disgraceful contract was given out; Brandon League is one of the worst relief pitchers in baseball. You just gave him enough money to feed the continent of Africa for 50 years. Ladies and gentlemen, your Los Angles Dodgers. Pathetic.
Rex Brothers– What in the name of the Gods happened to Sexy Rexy!? I predicted LaTroy Hawkins would lose the closers job to Brothers within a month or two, and how was I rewarded you ask? With a bowl full of dog shizz. Brothers has loaded the bases multiple times, and is now in danger of losing the 8th inning role. I had the gaul to laugh at Colorado management for bringing in a 59 year old Hawkins, but now the joke’s on Beddict, and Beddict don’t enjoy being laughed at yo.
“If you’ll notice the arterial nature of the blood coming from the hole in my head, you can assume that we’re all having a real lousy day.”
You can be sure Erasmo Ramirez owners had real lousy days the last two times he started a game. Rarely do I sour on a player this quickly, but I’m just not seeing any positives to “Felix Jr.’s” game. I witnessed Ramirez’s last two starts in there entirety and was in awe of how insanely hittable he was. Like, I haven’t seen human life perform this pathetically since everyone and anyone who was involved with the major motion picture In the Name of the King. Droppable in all standard formats.
Did my ears deceive me or was Adam Jones truly running his mouth about the Elder God blessed, Masashiro Tanaka? Did my eyes deceive me or did Tanaka not fan the ice-cold Jones not once, but twice, when they faced off? What is Jones so bitter about? Maybe he’s still upset the Mariners sent him and Chris Tillman packing for All-Star Erik Bedard (can we have a redo on that one please?). Either way, Jones can’t hit anything and Tanaka is seemingly throwing a gem each and every time I turn on the TV. Settle down Jonesy, and respect the future legend or there will be consequences and repercussions. Witness!
Non MLB Disgraceful people, places or things:
Leonardo DiCaprio dancing at Coachella- Wow, Leo must have been popping Mollys like Tic-Tacs, cuz he’s in the zone ya’ll! Check THIS out.
300: Rise of an Empire: I was going to use a more relevant film, such as this one, for my post, but the movie did absolutely nothing for me. Therefore, it didn’t deserve the headline and pretty much doesn’t even deserve this tiny blurb. Everything about the sequel was inferior to the original; Themistocles is no King Leonidas. The women aren’t sexy. King Xerxes was nowhere near as imposing as he was in the first installment. The sex scene I had been hearing about for months didn’t even put me in the mood, and I’m going to be honest with you; Almost ANYTHING puts your boy Beddict in the mood. This film should have been sent directly to DVD. Garbage.
Chelsea Handler not being given the CBS Late Night show gig: I told anyone who would listen (not many) a few years back, that Handler had what it took to be the first female late night talk show host. Now, I must admit, I don’t watch her show anymore but there was a time when this model I was dating insisted upon watching it nightly. When you have an underwear model who cooks, cleans, and loves stroking your chicken (literally, she loved petting my chicken, Beattrice), you throw her a bone (not that bone) every now and again and let her watch a show or two. Handler was originally going into my delight section, for I had heard she was taking that Scottish dude’s spot on CBS. While typing this I saw an article stating CBS had dropped her from the running. Bad call, guys. Handler is a star wether everyone wants to admit or not, and she deserves the chance at being the first ever female late night talk show host. I know she would be successful and I’m sure it will happen for her down the road. Love ya girl!
MLB players who Delighted me this week:
“Let’s have an intelligent conversation here: I’ll talk, and you listen.”
Bryce Harper– It’s nice to breath a sigh of relief in knowing my prize possession is now hitting well above .300 and is showing no signs of slowing down. Wait, what? He’s hurt? FML.
Michael Pineda– Oooooh, that hook is dirtier than Precious’s drawls after an all-you-can-eat $5 dollar Vegas Buffet! Pineda, who I suggested all readers take a late round flyer on, has looked supremely dominant in his first two starts (3rd happening at time of typing, but I know he won’t let me down) of the season and he’s left me like a frothing at the mouth meth addict, who wants, no, not wants, NEEDS MORE!
Domonic Brown– The Elder Gods have blessed “Sir Domonic” with the kind of abilities only a handful of former major leaguers have ever possessed. That 3-run bomb he stroked to put Philly up by 1 run to going into the 9th brought tears to my eyes. Alas, it was all for nought, as the Phillies reliever who I refuse to look the name up on since he took away Dom Dom’s glory, gave up a grand salami to “Mr. close my eyes and swing,” Dan Uggla. Hold on just a tic. This is fantasy baseball. I don’t care about the Phillies and their minimum requirement of being 35-years-old to make the roster. I just care about their one and only true gem of a life form, “Delightful Domonic” Brown. My exasperation with Ryne Sandberg for refusing to move Brown up in the order has reached new highs, but hey, what can we do? Nothing, other than watch this strapping, perfectly proportioned stallion continue to rake and steal bases out of the 6-hole.
Andrelton Simmons– I am enamored with this young Brave and continue to question why Fredi Gonzalez continues to bat him so disgracefully low in the order. I suppose he prefers having a guy who is batting nearly 2oo point less on the season in the 2-hole. It all makes sense now, Fredi. If this blurb was going to be all about “Drop Dead Fred’s” ineptitude, it would belong in the Disgrace section, so let’s move on before I have to re-edit this entire post. When I say “I,” I mean Jay. Anyway, kudos to you if you drafted Simmons late, for he looks like star in the making.
Johnny Cueto– You know I had to give a shout out to my boy, “Johnny Be-Good”!!! After witnessing his complete game, 12 K, shutout performance over Pittsburgh, I can promise you, Cueto is 100 percent back and better than ever. Kudos to you if you stole him late in the draft.
Adrian Gonzalez– A-Gone is hotter than a Carolina Reaper pepper, drenched in wasabi. I was aghast when Gonzo dropped like a rock in all of my fantasy drafts. I wondered if I had missed something? First basemen who hit 30 homers, knock in over 100 RBIs and bat over .300 don’t grow on trees, do they? Speaking of trees, how high were the people who allowed this Mexican God to drop between rounds 8-10? The moral of this story? Stop smoking marijuana.
Neil Walker– My word!!! I haven’t witnessed a Walker this hot since the immortal Chuck Norris played a Texas Ranger on Television. 5 jacks and 9 RBIs? Yes please! Thats 5 more bombs than Cano and Bogaerts have COMBINED! Uh yea, that’s because they both have zero, and that’s embarrassing. A black hole is created when Neil Walker roundhouse kicks a sun.
Looks like I’m a tad late in jumping on the Jesse Chavez bandwagon, but best believe I sprinted up to that wagon like Carl Lewis and flung myself aboard with no regard for public safety. Chavez hasn’t give up more than 1 earned run in any of his 3 starts thus far, and has K’d 9……..TWICE! We shan’t get too excited though, for Chavez is a former reliever who is 30 years of age. What’s the cause of this sudden success? Is he on a new form of undetectable steroid? Is he slapping skins with Kate Upton (NSFW)? Is he just on a hot streak that will no doubt end up with him going down in flames and us forgetting about him in a couple months? There’s a pretty solid chance that it’s one of those three things.
Kevin Kouzmanoff– Kouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!!! Oh how I yearn to be back in San Diego, enjoying a beautiful, sunny day at the ballpark. Kouz getting off brings back memories, and I for one, am rooting for the big guy. Knowing that he gets to perform in front of more than a couple thousand fans (not the fair-weather Padres type) brings great warmth to my soul. I say pick him up for the next week or two and watch him produce.
Todd Frazier– Grey couldn’t have been more on point when he said Frazier was going to have a monster year in 2014….Hold on….checking my notes….He said 2013? Oh well, it’s all good. I won a title with Fraz last year and I expect nothing less this season. The important thing here is that Grey pointed out the Frazier’s talent and upside and now we’re witnessing it first hand……He started out hot last year too, didn’t he….
Nord: “So which way we rowin’?”
Deacon: “I don’t have a goddamn clue. Don’t worry, they’ll row for a month before they figure out I’m fakin’ it”
This line slays me! I am by no means a know-it-all and obviously everything I predict is not going to come to fruition. However, I have had a pretty successful fantasy sports career and enjoy attempting to entertain readers while giving a bit of insight. The majority of you can make all the right decisions on your own and use Razzball as a soundboard for your thoughts and ideas. Never would I suggest that it’s a smart idea to just blindly take somebody’s advice without putting in homework of your own. This public service announcement was brought to you by Deacon, Waterworld’s one man highlight real.
Non MLB Delights:
X-Men: Days of Futures Past Trailer- THIS film is almost guaranteed to be legendary. The linked preview blew my mind. Whoever leaves the most interesting comment in the “comment section” of this post wins a ticket to go see it with me in IMAX. And it would be even cooler if you brought two chicks with you. I used to love comic books, so it’s a true pleasure witnessing these films brought to life. #NerdAlert
Razzball’s 32in32in32: I’m sure you’ve heard all about this by now, but my main man, Nick Capozzi, is touring the nation with my treasured “Boss” JayWrong, doing 32 fantasy football drafts in all 32 NFL cities. This is a baseball post, but if you’re for some reason not participating in fantasy football, you need to jump on that horse and ride it. Like NOW! Oh yea, I also write for the football section if you weren’t aware, and I do a damn good job too!!! My Mom says so anyway…..Anyway, I hope you all come out and hang out with the various Razzball writers including yours truly. I’m not sure what cities I’m going to be hitting yet, but it’s due time Tehol went East.
Ok boys and girls, that’s all for this week but make sure, MAKE POSITIVELY SURE, that you watch Game of Thrones, as next week will be GOT themed for episodes 2/3 of season 4. As per usual your comments and questions will be responded to below. Any topic is safe here so don’t be shy. Don’t post d$ck pics, but pretty much anything else is a go. If you’re not following me on Twitter at @TeholBeddict47, I’d highly suggest doing so. Remember, I’m cocksure, not cocky. There’s a difference. May the Elder Gods look down kindly upon you this weekend. Peace out.