As soon as you’re finished with this post, I want you to close your laptop, step outside and look at a bird in flight. Pick up a flower, breathe in its fragrance, sneeze from your allergies, wave to a neighbor and close your robe because you’re not just waving with your hand. How does that feel? Exhilarating? Then your dedication sucks. It should be a total bore. You should be more interested in whether or not I’m going to have a top 100 for the 2nd half of fantasy baseball tomorrow than what your significant other has been doing for the last three and a half months. Luckily, I will have a top 100 tomorrow, guys and four girl readers. Clay Buchholz didn’t make the top 100, but with a game like yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks — he could be better than some guys that are on there. I’ll go over this in detail tomorrow, but in only two and a half months, anything can happen. Even something good with Buchholz because there is upside, right? Check. Downside? Check? Waitress? Check please. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
PSYCH! Before we get into the post, I just wanted to say our TV on the Radio host, Nick, wants to cover some live fantasy football drafts in the following cities: Dallas, New Orleans, Atlanta, Charlotte, Cincy and Detroit. We’re currently airing our show on cable in 22 million homes in the New York area, so if you want to make an ass of yourself on a bigger scale than you can imagine, now’s your chance! Leave your email address in the comments or over at our TV/Radio side of things, and Nick will hit you back. Anyway II, the roundup:
Brock Holt – 5-for-6, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. He’s five foot, ten inches tall, but the lightning bolts on his thighs make him appear taller. Seriously, if he were two inches shorter, there would already be monuments erected in his honor. Short guys get all the adulation! Hey, I’m short; that’s good. Unless, of course, if you’re too short. Under five-four and you better buy some Tom Cruise lifts.
Collin McHugh – Hit the DL with a detached fingernail. There’s gotta be a Psych 101 term for this, but I’ve spoken about fractured wrists, torn tendons, displaced hips, but the thought of a detached fingernail is the only thing that turned my stomach. Sure glad Fox never went through with that show, Mani-Pedis Gone Wrong. “In this clip, we’ll see what happens when Marcie Lee gets a little too…quick.” Nooooooooo!
Trevor Bauer – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners (3 BBs), 10 Ks. Bauer’s flaky like C.J. Wilson, prior to his dandruff shampoo, due to his walks, which can get the best of him. Like when you see a creepy guy on the street and you have nothing to do on a Friday night, I’d take a flyer, but I wouldn’t expect much.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Yan can homer, and so can you! (If you’re standing fifteen feet from the warning track and Joey Cora is throwing to you.)
Conor Gillaspie – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting over .500 in the last week and could be the hottest schmotato in all of Schmotato Land, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — with the break, there’s no real schmotatoes. Guys could stay hot over the break, but there’s no guarantee. I tell you this because I care. Wanna hug? I was speaking figuratively!
Jose Abreu – 3-for-5, hitting .292 with 29 homers into the break. Guess where The Grande Dolor shows up on my top 100 for the 2nd half? Nope, higher. Little higher still. No, that’s Mike Trout. Bit lower than that, but not a whole lot. It was really a toss-up between Au Shizz and Abreu. Yeah, old habits die hard, but it was close.
Victor Martinez – Expected back Friday from being old. We’ll see how that goes.
Justin Verlander – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 4.88. The good news is he shook off the first-inning problems that have been dogging him. The bad news is everything else is still wrong.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, and his 13th homer on Saturday as he bats .346. Of course, I’d own him. Goes without saying. I’d even give my pinkie to own him. But, really, what’s my pinkie doing other than sticking out while I drink my forty of chamomile? I wouldn’t give any other digits, and don’t believe he’s anything more than a hot streak. His BABIP is at .397, when his career BABIP is .320. Essentially, he’s .275 hitter. The power is coming with a 23% HR/FB, and he’s got a career 13% HR/FB. He could hit 7 homers and .250 in the 2nd half and it wouldn’t surprise me.
Madison Bumgarner – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 3.47, and he pitchslapped a Diamondbacks reliever for a grand slam. I could see Bumgarner being a small buy low guy. His owners may see a nearly mid-3 ERA and get trigger happy on a deal. Now, go, you have my mustache’s counsel.
Buster Posey – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .275. Biggest difference between real baseball and fantasy — how much excitement you get out of Jarrod Dyson stealing a base. On the top five for differences is how much you enjoy Buster Posey.
Martin Prado – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. In June, he hit 1 homer and .278. In July, he has 1 homer and was hitting .282 entering play yesterday. Lowercase yay.
Arismendy Alcantara – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. It looked like a pop-up, but the hopes and dreams of fantasy baseballers everywhere grabbed onto it and carried it over the fence. Is it too early to write Arismendy on my Trapper Keeper? No, I don’t believe so.
Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, only hitting near-.500 in the last week with three homers. Coghlan’s Law: Ride while hot. That also applied to Elisabeth Shue. Holy Jesus, she’s 50 years old! What a
Evan Gattis – Nearing a rehab assignment, which is a whole lot different than when he was nearing rehab five years ago, smelling of dirty socks and wearing discarded pizza boxes as pants.
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.86 and the conshellation prize. Don’t get lost in the fact you got a win, Minor’s been a heaping pile of mess. His peripherals suggest some positive correction, but it would have to be a fairly deep league where I’d wait for it. It’s just as likely he turns things around as it is that he hits the Disgraceful List.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Just missed a Quality Start, but there was nothing quality about this start. The break couldn’t have been coming at a better time for Teheran. Doode needs to regroup and remember what had me running around screaming Teheran in such jubilation that the CIA was tapping my phones.
Chris Johnson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, after hitting two homers on Saturday. I mentioned this earlier, but it’s a bad time for a hitter to get hot. Hard to say what they’re going to do when baseball resumes — or basesumes, if you dig portmanteaus.
Tommy La Stella – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Sorry, bub, the middle infield love train left you behind after Arismendy, Wong and Scooter jumped on. All the best, pal!
Brett Anderson – 5 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the DL. I’d wait a bit before picking him up. Like 3 months or until he’s on a different team.
Brian Dozier – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers. Aw, that’s sweet, he wanted you to think good thoughts about him during the break.
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-5, 3 runs. Okay, before we get all caca-cuckoo for Twins hitters, it’s important I point out they were in Coors.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. One game hitting streak! What? Has to start somewhere.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks. By placing Ryu’s line right after the stats from a Coors game and not mentioning Ryu’s start was against the Padres, it could be misleading. Well, go ahead and sue me! I’ll collect the three dollars worth of pennies from today’s pageviews and ship them to you.
Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 2.85, while losing the game, which moves his record to 7-10. I’m farting in your general direction, Padres.
David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is down to 3.23. I should’ve screamed from the top of Mt. Sinai like the fantasy Moses I am to buy Price when his ERA was in the mid-4’s in May. I mean, I did tell people to buy him, but I didn’t beat it into your heads with a whole post about it. Mea culpa for our Latin American readers.
Jake McGee – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 7th save. Four days ago, he pitched the 8th inning for one batter. Five days ago, he got the save. Six days from now, he could be working the ninth, the eighth or the yogurt machine Maddon has in his pimped-out manager’s office.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Questioning whether or not pitching really is that deep? Roark has a 3.01 ERA and is owned in less than 10% of ESPN leagues. I mean, c’mon. If your whole team had a 3.01 ERA, you’d be leading your league in ERA.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Wow, that’s like the Red Ryder BB Gun of presents. You think you’ve opened all you’re going to get from Zimmerman, and then suddenly a home run pops up behind the tree. Incredible, I’ve only been begging for it for months.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. Has six homers this month, hitting near-.375 with 19 RBIs. There’s only been 11 games this month. What’s that Werth to you?
Francisco Liriano – 4 IP, 3 ER as he returned from the DL. Way to pick up right where you left off!
Neil Walker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Boring!
Todd Frazier – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer and his 2nd in as many games. Boing!
Kris Negron – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Has been filling in for Brandon Phillips, so you probably want to know what Negron is. Equal parts Campari, gin– *intern whispers in my ear* Oh! He looks like a Quad-A guy, but maybe could steal 15 bases over the course of a season and possibly, if he got lucky, hit four homers while hitting .260. I.e., I like the Campari, gin concoction better, and I hate gin.
Chris Young – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 3.15. Ah, the long, inevitable ERA decline. Come on, Young, give me a chance to yell timmmmmber.
Sonny Gray – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.79. Sonny and I will be going to a father/son picnic over the break. I made potato salad; he made ambrosia. Anyone who consumes it will have eternal life on their fastball.
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th steal. Member when he was the Arismendy of call-ups? Yeah, well, it’s old news now!
Jordan Zimmermann – An MRI showed a right biceps strain. Nats are saying he might be able to avoid the DL. To that, I cough into my hand, covering the word bullsh*t. Don’t think he misses much time, but also don’t think he’s ready to go right after the break.
Cody Asche – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Has hit in nine straight games, which sounds a bit better than reality. Bunch of those games were 1-for-4 jobbers. I do like him for deep leagues, but obviously waivers have to be a bit of a dry landscape and you have to be on your hands and knees, looking for Asche.
Derek Holland – Won’t return until late-August. Comatose Rangers Fan, “Just in time for the pennant run! Right? Hello? Why is everyone looking at me funny?”
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I streamed him yesterday per the Stream-o-Nator and will drop him once 2nd half schedules are released and I find a new streamer. Turn and burn as they say in the rhyming dictionary.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th steal, heading to the break with a .237 average and 14 homers. Considering he left April with a .145 average, Grandy was decent for the better part of two months. Too bad I didn’t tell anyone to buy him low on May 1st. No, it was on May 6th, I said, “If he’s out on waivers, I could see giving him a whirl since he shouldn’t be this dreadful.” And that’s me quoting me!
David Wright – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .285 with 8 homers. Not in yesterday’s game, that would’ve been a record. “Barely,” Mark Whiten.
Shane Greene – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.32 in two starts. Left mouth says super, right mouth says b, they come together in the middle of the screen for superb. What’s less superb is his 4.61 ERA in the minors this year. I’d prefer an airplane seat next to his uncle, Shecky Greene.
Jean Segura – Left the club to be with his family after the passing of his nine-month-old son. Prior to this news, I was going to put Segura in my top 100 for the 2nd half, but now I’m concerned that Segura may be gone from the club longer, or mentally elsewhere. No one would blame him if that was the case. This is obviously an unspeakably sad situation. I still really like Segura, and will be all about him next year, but, for right now, I’m concerned about my prior bullishness on him.
Jimmy Nelson – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Why am I in this bath of ice water? Why is there a poorly stitched-up wound where my kidney should be? Who are those people in the other room speaking in a language that I don’t understand? Why is Steven Soderbergh filming me? Oh, God, I’ve been roofied!
Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.72. Solid start, but as with all of us on earth except Andrelton, there’s a but. This is the best start I’d expect from him. His K-rate is below 7 and his WHIP is 1.29. There will be no statutes erected for this Wily Mehs.
Elian Herrera – 5-for-5, 3 runs. Took 21 years, but it finally paid off for Elian to take that raft ride.
Carlos Gomez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, ending the half with a .304 average, 14 homers and 17 steals. Due to his fantastic first two months and bleh next two months, I’d bet he’s on more fantasy teams than anyone else where the owner thought they had a championship team and now are wondering where things are going wrong.
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. At least while you’re riding this hot Scooter the police aren’t following you laughing.
Carlos Martinez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 4.43. You gave him the ol’ college try, and now you’re failing out of your major and you’ve contracted an STD. I’d look elsewhere before the Dean of Students calls the ‘rents.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-4, 1 run, 12th steal and his 6th homer on Saturday. I’m not just trying to attract Japanese fetish Googlers when I say, Wong and dongs go together like pees and poops! I didn’t like Wong as much when he was at the bottom of the lineup. Rudy went over a few years ago the lineup impact of runs and RBIs, and it’s still relevant. The bottom of an NL lineup is especially tough. Wong has been at the top of the lineup the last few days and I’m liking him more and more. As I’ve said a few times in the past, if you’re trying to figure out what Wong can do, drop your pants and– Wait, that’s the wrong Wong. If you want a Wong comparison, think a young Pedroia. The dong is strong with Wong! The dong is strong with Wong! The dong is strong with Wong! What? It’s got a nice ring to it.