I was jazzed to draft Phil Hughes this year like I was from New Orleans and I was smoking doobs with Kermit Ruffins. Then Hughes hurt his back and someone played the sad trombone. That’s yay upside down, which looks like a fire between two teepees. Hughes is now out with a bulging disk in his back. Hey, Hughes, is that a banana in your spine or you happy to see me? I’m not a doctor (no kidding!), but none of this sounds good for Hughes. I’m lowering my projections on him and dropping him out of my favorable tier. It’s early, and there’s still a lot of time, but I’d be lying if I said I was still drafting him with confidence. I’ll draft some players that are mildly injured, but the injury needs to sound a lot better than “may not be ready for the start of the season.” Then there’s Matt Garza, who will be starting the year on the DL. This news comes just days after we freakin’ drafted him. I will now call him Matt Grrza. Whenever I say his name, I will say it like I’m a frustrated Lisa Simpson. Well, if you wanna ride the Garza Strip, be prepared for some bombshells. I’ve updated the top 40 and top 60 starters to reflect Hughes and Grrza’s inability to keep me happy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Curtis Granderson – Out for 10 weeks with a fracture in his forearm. Man, you can’t play with a three-arm and a one-arm patched together with duct tape! This is old news, but just wanted to alert people I moved him in my 2013 fantasy baseball rankings and changed his projections in the top 40 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball.
Shaun Marcum – Taking time off to strengthen his shoulder. He needs to take about seven years off. Snap in an inverted W formation!
Javier Vazquez – Ends comeback due to knee injury. You think he’s now on the Biogenesis clinic’s mailing list? “Javy, you don’t have to retire! We have estrogen from Bartolo Colon’s moobs ready to pump into your sphincter.” (I don’t know the exact procedure, but I like to think that’s what it involves since A-Rod loves him some PEDs.)
Brett Anderson – Will be the A’s Opening Day starter. If there is an Opening Day (just trying to reach more Mayan readers).
Jedd Gyorko – Showing power in the spring like he’s nobody’s business! Which is a phrase I don’t understand. As I said yesterday, ignore spring training stats, but there is something to guys winning starting jobs. The Lord knows the Friars need hitting help, because they talk.
Will Middlebrooks – Diagnosed with a sore wrist, but should be fine to go today or tomorrow. A hitter with sore wrists worries me, so if he has one more setback, I’m ready to drop him lower in my rankings. Don’t make me go back there, 3rd base rankings!
Matt Adams – Right now, the Cardinals are saying Adams could have a chance to get on the Opening Day roster. They said it’ll be a tight squeeze. They could have been referring to him putting on his pants.
Chris Carter – The Astros manager/composer/songwriter, Bo Porter, said Carter will play left field for them. Just yesterday there was a Chris Carter sleeper post. Prescient ain’t just a word you need to spell check!
Travis Wood – Should be in the Cubs rotation to start the year. He’s an interesting name to look at late in deep leagues. His K-rate was a hair under seven with a usable walk rate. He just needs to cut his homers allowed. On the Cubs, there will be no wins, and, in Wrigley, homers could be a problem once the weather warms up. For a 5th or 6th starter in NL-Only leagues, I’d look at him. I bet he’s a name that pops up again in an early Buy/Sell.
Kyle Lohse – This news headline cracked me up, “Yanks, Indians Still Not Interested in Lohse.” Here’s another headline for you, “Grey Still Handsome.”
Zack Wheeler – Mild oblique strain. I have a theory. Only baseball players have obliques, therefore if you have an oblique and you are not a baseball player, you’re missing out on your life’s true calling. No matter your age, pick up a baseball and hit the diamond. Watch The Rookie with Dennis Quaid prior, just to get yourself pumped up. On a side sidenote, I wonder if there’s an actor in the Middle East named Dennis Quadi.
Elvis Andrus – He’s out with a sore tattoo. Reminds me of the Halloween I went out as Elvis and my little friend was sore that I didn’t go as Ricardo Montalban.