The Oakland A’s called up their prized prospect, Daniel Straily, to start tonight. Their prized prospect that no one even heard of before this year. Is that egg on your face, Keith Law? “Actually, it’s a sous vide’d ostrich egg with fleur de sel. I harvested the fleur de sel from the sweat on the back of a flamingo’s neck, so it was extra pink.” Oh-kay. I looked up how to pronounce Straily and somehow that led me to Wikipedia, which led me to Charlemagne’s page. Did you know he was the inspiration for the King of Hearts? You lose 3 hours on the internet in no time… Damn you, Al Gore! In Double-A this year, Straily went through it like a hot knife in I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter: 85.1 IP, 11.39 K/9, 2.43 BB/9 and 2.57 FIP. In Triple-A, it was more the same — 11.38 K/9, 2.38 BB/9, 2.20 FIP in 53 innings. I’m just a flibbertigibbet (Sounds Like A Made Up Word of the Day!) trying to acquire him in all my leagues. The downright beautiful thing here, fellas and four lady-ellas, he Ks people and doesn’t walk them. From all scouting reports I’ve read, he commands the strike zone with an effortless delivery that he can repeat adverbially. I’d pick him up in every league. (Once ESPN and Yahoo add him to their waivers — seriously, how do they not have every player in their system like CBS? For redraft mixed leagues, it’s not a huge deal, but you want people to play keeper and dynasty leagues with your service and you don’t have the minor league strikeout leader? So now waiver claim order is deciding whether someone will have a player for the next ten years? Here’s ESPN’s top secret algorithm on how players get in their system: Jack Daniels(Radio Shack calculator)²= Players In System. Or if you’re to believe Berry’s latest article at ESPN, Straily’s not in the ESPN universe because Anne Hathaway is hot or a good actress or some nonsense he’s talking about between congratulating himself on creating fantasy sports and saying he can’t write an article in the middle of writing one. I should use douchequotes around writing, because he really hasn’t written an article in 4 years. That dross he put up about Trout yesterday was easily one of the least interesting articles ever written in the history of words, and I’m including all novels written by Lauren Conrad.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Ortiz – Said his Achilles is at 50-60%, so it’s still a little illes.
Josh Beckett – Questionable for his next start. Okay, so someone ask him if he’s gonna start.
Jon Lester – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Twins, losing to playwright and novelist, Samuel Deduno (6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K). I told people in the comments yesterday that if you weren’t starting Lester vs. the Twins, you shouldn’t own him. The thing is, as I’ve been saying, I don’t think you should own him. There’s too many pitchers on waivers in most leagues to be dealing with him. (Oh, and since someone will be wondering, Deduno is a Do Not Touch in all but the deepest of leagues.)
Barry Zito – 4 IP, 7 ER. Oh, no, he’s got Lincecumydia. Take 1200 milligrams of Vitamin D, stat!
Ronny Cedeno – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs. He credited this big game to marrying in New Hampshire under his alias, Johnny Cakes.
Chris Young – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Since our inception (not the movie that I slept through; am I awake now?), we’ve called Chris B. Young, Krispie, and the pitcher, Cristall Young, to differentiate the two, but I’m beginning to think they might just be the same two guys. Ever since Krispie disappeared, Cristall’s been pitching. This can’t be a coincidence. Seriously, I don’t believe in coincidences; I think they’re voodoo. Well, whatever the case. Cristall’s barely a streamer. Stream-o-Nator, “I’ll be the judge of that.”
Jayson Werth – 1-for-3 with an RBI as he returned from the DL. His ownership numbers were down due to his lengthy DL stint, but if he’s out on waivers I’d give him a little how’s your father. I wouldn’t expect him to save my season though.
Ross Detwiler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Hasn’t done a lot of wonderful with his Ks so far, but his 3.02 ERA and 1.21 WHIP more than make up for it. Okay, not more, but make up for it. Now has seven starts since he returned to the rotation and has lowered his ERA from 3.09 to 3.02 in that time. He’s still only owned in 19% of ESPN leagues, which is slightly crummy with crackers to me, but then again maybe ESPN owners aren’t sure if he’s in their system yet.
Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 20th homer. As a Native American shaman who plays fantasy baseball would say, “LaRoche’s August wheelbarrows bring a feast for a thousand head-to-head coyotes.”
Ryan Dempster – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER. See, Dempster, in Arlington the wind doesn’t blow out, the balls do. If the American League is the Junior Circuit and the National League the Senior, there should be some kind of elderly laws with Seniors coming in. Member when he was traded a few days ago and I said he might be droppable in a few weeks? Can I amend that? And now he gets the Sawx and Yankees next. Welcome to the show, kid. I wouldn’t start him anywhere until I saw at least a good game from him.
Mike Olt – 1-for-3 as he started at first base and then was replaced by Moreland. Rangers are saying Olt’s for lefties, which is ludicrous since he’s fine vs. righties. I’d continue to hold-slash-pickup Olt. All he needs to do is hit a few homers and the Rangers will be playing him every day.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, Hamilton got 4 RBIs, Young got 2 RBIs… Well, let’s just say even Geovany Soto knocked in a couple yesterday. Arlington’s August game time temperatures are “hot and no humidor.”
Corey Kluber – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Geez, compared to Kluber, Fister’s a romantic dinner date.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. I hope he gets his average up to .260 with 20 homers, so some poor stooge drafts him way too early again next year.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs. I avoided him this year because I didn’t buy into his 2011 at all, so I honestly wasn’t sure how poorly he was doing, just that he was doing poorly. This was his 6th homer and 5th steal. That is the new blech.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hey, it’s like we just met. And this is crazy. But here’s my number. Call me maybe.
C.J. Wilson – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 7 Ks as he faced his old team. His walks are up a decent amount this year and his Ks are a bit down and he might be closer to a 3.50 ERA pitcher than the under 3.00 you had for the better of this year, but I’d still roll him out against everyone. And that’s meant to hush your fuss.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer in the last three games. On one hand, I want to say he’s finally back. On the other hand, Arlington is Coors South. On the third hand that is actually Thing from The Addams Family, Kendrys is worth playing now to see if he can continue to coast on good vibes and bad farts.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. After the game, he said he lost the game because that’s the ‘old school’ thing to do.
Mike Minor – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K as his start was shortened by rain. Obviously, someone who owns Minor was going Head-to-Head vs. the Native American shaman.
Ross Ohlendorf – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Worst ‘dorf performance since Tim Conway phoned in “Dorf on the Couch.”
Chase Headley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and now he goes back to Petco. Buh-bye.
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games. I have four words for you that should be three: Great American Ball Park.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games since I dropped him. *sigh* He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Hint: He ain’t a sell.
Nate Eovaldi – 2 IP, 6 ER. Eovaldi is obviously Italian for “You-a screw my-a NL-Only team like my sister’s mustache screw up her face.”
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors. You got some cojones if you started him here. Sometimes those man sacks get you into bar fights, but sometimes they pay off.
Yadier Molina – Sprained his right thumb and will get X-rays on Friday. X-rays will be taken by his brother, Doc Ock.
Josh Rutledge – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I don’t have to tell you again to pick him up, right? We’re good? Cool.
Derek Jeter – Someone hacked the Yankees Facebook page yesterday and said Jeter would miss the rest of the season due to a sex change operation. The real loser here is A-Rod. He was gonna be all over Minnie Mantlez like a bow and arrow on a Centaur.