King Salomon Brothers, the overseer of the Iron Bank, was mortgaging castles that he shouldn’t have been and fighting to get repaid, so he decided to sell his crown that was bespeckled in quinoa and Boca Burgers. The crown itself was worth more than all castles together. The world could be saved of economic ruin if the crown could get safely to the world’s largest pawn broker, Wei-Yin Chains. Unable to leave the kingdom himself, King Salomon Brothers gave Prince Fielder the crown, entrusting it to his overweight son, knowing if there was one person not interested in the healthy adornments on the crown it would be he. Unfortunately, heavy is the neck that wears Prince’s crown, and he gobbled up the crown like he gobbled up all the fantasy trust I put in him when I drafted this man the size of four horses. Goddammit! Dubya tee eff, doode! You can’t put on a neck brace and get up to bat? Shoot some cortisone is your cellulite! DAH!!! The only positive in this travesty that has befallen the fattest POS in the seven kingdoms? You’ll get to drop him! Fielder exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, I hate you. Sincerely, Your Drafter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daniel Robertson -1-for-2 but left after colliding hard into Rios’s knee. He passed the Rangers concussion test which was this series of questions: 1) Does Prince Fielder resemble a massive turd like Chet from Weird Science? 2) If you have a train going 80 miles per hour and it’s traveling 200 miles to run over Prince Fielder, how long until the train hits him? 3) There’s no 3.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer and 2nd homer in as many games. Now he just needs to play first base and have Rick Baker put him in The Nutty Professor costume and he’ll be a perfect Fielder replacement.
Chris Gimenez – 4-for-5, 1 RBI. Nice day at the plate, which is similar but not quite the same as Prince Fielder that just spends days at a plate.
Mitch Moreland – 0-for-4, 1 run. Filling in for Fielder, which you would think would require him to drink fifty gallons of gravy. Okay, I’m done with Fielder. Dah!!! Okay, now I really am done. Moreland is a worthy replacement in deeper leagues, where your choices look like you after purple drank.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. His Ks are off a little this year but they are still over 10+ per nine and his ERA is 2.35, so complaining about it is like complaining the lottery commission paid you out $156 million in singles. Go to the strip club and stop bothering me.
Jurickson Profar – Was shut down after aggravating his shoulder. He’s now two to three months away, but I wouldn’t expect anything from him. This does extend Odor’s leash. Now someone who knows how to hit major league pitching needs to warg into Odor’s body.
Robbie Ray – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The only bright spot from the mound yesterday for the Tigers was Danny Worth, the outfielder, pitched, and threw a knuckler! Position players pitching is always a highlight. It’s like a cat playing a piano. Then a position player throwing a knuckler is like a cat playing a piano in a bar and taking requests. Does it get better? Rhetorical!
Chase Utley – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .337. He’s currently the third best hitter in the NL. I’ll give you a hundred guesses who’s number two. Hint: rhymes with Theth Thith.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd in as many games. OZUNA sound trumpets, OZUNA play Kenny Loggins, OZUNA in doge’r zone.
Henderson Alvarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Not as Shiba Inu’ey as some other exciting Marlin players, but has been effective. Unfortch, put effective in your hand and upside in your other hand and you have two empty hands since they are simply words.
Grant Balfour – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd blown save. He’s been getting hit around pretty miserably (5.89 ERA, more walks than Ks), but I would be surprised if Joe Maddon made a move to replace him. With that said (reversal time!), I did grab Joel Peralta in one league.
Alex Cobb – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Welcome back, my lovely! Sometimes I’ll take my iPad to bed and ask my Cougar if she wants to see my Cobb and then I’ll open up my fantasy team and show her. It’s quite erotic. For me.
Sonny Gray – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as he pitched against the aforementioned Cobb. This was me watching this game. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, snack, yes, yes, yes, mustache grooming, yes, yes, yes, not another C.J. Wilson commercial, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And, of course, my two novios both got a no decision. Still, yes, yes, yes.
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Red Sox, ERA is at 2.16. “Winning the AL Cy Young has been a true honor. I’d like to thank my inspiration, another great Blue Jays pitcher, Pat Hentgen. I hope to one day follow in your footsteps and have an unnamed job in an unnamed city.”
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Is it me or does it feel like he should have, like, a dozen homers? Doesn’t it feel like I mention him every day? Get a room! Hmm, that doesn’t work as well when you’re talking about yourself.
Jose Bautista – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. A show of hands of how many people would be shocked if it was revealed all this time steroids were legal in Canada. Okay, only one hand and that guy was just asking to go to the bathroom.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Only another six homers and five steals by tomorrow and the preseason hype from the Sons of Sam Horn will make sense.
Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunner, 10 Ks as he was activated from the DL. As frequent commenter, Big League Wood, said, “Yankees ran up Sale’s pitch count by striking out.” As diabolical a plan that was ever hatched! I never really have any doubts about Sale’s ability to be unhittable, my problem is with his ability to stay on the field.
Ronald Belisario – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save. He’s picking up right where Lindstrom left off! Ventura seems like an old school manager that will stand by his choice for closer, no matter how wretched he looks so I’d still only speculate on Ronald Very-sorry-yo.
David Phelps – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. But how did Buhner pitch?! Phelps has a bit of a control problem, and is likely to get hit around on occasion while supplying decent Ks.
George Springer – Out with an injured hip, but said he could’ve played yesterday, and then Shakira turned her chair around and said his hips don’t lie. It was all rather amusing, then I took a nap.
Santiago Casilla – Has a Grade 2 hamstring strain. Santiago will rest on his Carac-ass in front of the Montevideo and eat Lima beans out of his Chile and fart out some not that Buenos Aires. The preceding was brought to you by the South American Chapter of Razzball (SACR, pronounced like soccer).
Matt Cain – Has a Grade 1 hamstring strain. He’s hopeful to make his next start and I’m hopeful too since I don’t own him and would like to see him get hit again.
LaTroy Hawkins – He’s still the closer, but he’s looked like, well, LaTroy Hawkins, so there could be a change in the works. Yesterday, Walt Weiss gave Hawkins the dreaded vote of confidence. The last closer to withstand a vote of confidence from his manager was Al Hrabosky in 1975. It could be Rex Brothers or Adam Ottavino who replaces him, or a combo of Brothers/Ottavino, which sounds like it should only be picked up at BevMo when it’s marked down 75%. Brucely, I don’t look forward to owning Brothers or Ottavino, and haven’t yet grabbed either.
Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t play yesterday in the rain suspended game because he can’t grip a bat due to his finger. Um, yeah, sad stuff. Any hoo! Corey Dickerson got the start yesterday and stands to gain more playing time if CarGo can’t, uh, go. Dickerson won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could’ve been.
Carlos Gomez – Out of the lineup yesterday due to a sore back. Daniel Powter would say it’s a sad day to be a CarGo. Then Daniel Powter would return to his job at McDonald’s.
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th steal as he leadoff. He was only on top of the lineup because CarGomez was out. In related news, I have pins stuck deep into my CarGomez voodoo doll. C’mon, let Segura get a taste! Just a nibble! A shot of Rooster hot sauce on that fantasy value! Please!
Ryan Braun – Re-injured his oblique and is likely headed to the DL. I don’t believe in heaven or hell or karma or kaftwa. In fact, I just made up kaftwa. But PEDs help a player to stay healthy and I have to think the lack of them is doing the opposite for Braun.
Aaron Harang – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Not great, but I’ve seen uglier. Harang, for instance.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. If you grabbed B.J. for the batty call, I’m envious. I remember those days before I was married.
Justin Turner – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s taking over for Uribe at third base and to explain Turner, I’ll say he’s a downgrade from Uribe.
Eric Campbell – 0-for-3, 1 RBI, which is whatever, but more importantly he started a game pitched by a tough righty (Greinke). He might be pushing Krispie to the bench, and could have some speed/pop for very deep leagues. I’m not yet picking him up in most mixed leagues, but I’m watching him like a cyclops with a monocle.
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I usually only look at the Stream-o-Nator for guys that aren’t owned in most leagues, but I feel like with Niese I have to. Any hoo! The Nose has a solid next start, and should sniff out another quality start.
Tommy Hunter – Hits the Disgraceful List. Joe Torre said, “Tommy Hunter is to Mariano Rivera as Buck Showalter’s ability to manage the Yankees is to mine.” The salvo has been fired! Zach Britton looks right-o, mate, for a non-blimey time on the ol’ twigs and berries save trolley. Pretty good at British slang, huh? You’re welcome. I’d also own Darren O’Day in some deeper league in case Britton doesn’t work out, but O’Day didn’t do himself any favors yesterday giving up a homer to Chisenhall.
Manny Machado – Left yesterday’s game with groin tightness. Earmuffs!
Ryan Flaherty – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Nothing will top the job Flaherty did as the dad on Freaks and Geeks.
Justin Masterson – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. The good news is you dropped him already. Oh, you didn’t? Oh, my bad.
Michael Bourn – 3-for-6, 1 run. As said yesterday, Bourn is hot shcmotato’ing around, but not stealing as much as you’d like. Still worth a pick up if you need average and runs.
Ryan Raburn – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .198. He’s not great by any stretch of the imagination, but he’s not this bad either. Or eyethurr if Mystikal is reading. I could see Raburn stringing together a nice hot streak. Or nice grab if you Raburn’d before reading.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs. For about six weeks, he was Jerry, George and Elaine wandering around a parking garage. But just maybe he’s Carlos no more, he is Carfound!
Michael Brantley – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Nothing special. I mean, nothing special for Michael F**king Brantley!
Robbie Erlin – Hit the DL with a sore elbow, because it was a short schedule day and the Fantasy Baseball Overlord had to DL at least one pitcher.
Seth Smith – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Thethtacular!
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Padre fans were unimpressed with their once coveted prospect. Pitching wins games and they have Yonder Alonso at first and pinot grigio in their glasses.
Junior Lake – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and now hitting near-.370 in the last week. Cubs look like they’re realizing what the rest of us knew 6 weeks ago, Lake should play every day. Whether they will suddenly forget this, I don’t know, but I could see adding him in mixed leagues.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.33 in Petco. Has been — not has-been, but not far off — solid in Ks in his 19 1/3 IP this year, but I’d want to see a lot more, and wouldn’t go near him outside of NL-Only leagues.
Wandy Rodriguez – Designated for assignment. The assignment is for ESPN to find a more apt cut-off line to judge starters by.
Ike Davis – 1-for-4. I actually picked up Ike Davis to fill-in for Prince Fielder on one team, then I started crying and I rage-dropped Davis. When cooler heads prevailed, I re-picked up Davis, then I was overcome with anger and I rage-threw my computer out the window. Then, from my backyard, I picked up Chris Parmelee.
Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. How many times are we gonna fall for the ol’ banana in the ol’ tailpipe?
Ian Desmond – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .234. Shin on you crazy Desmond! He’s not this dreadful, and I could see a buying opportunity. Now flap your wings, little Razzballer, and make your fantasy papa proud.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, hitting .184. Also should be better, but I have serious concerns about how fast he came back from his broken hamate bone. It’s the kind of injury that might’ve zapped his power, and that’s not the good kind of Zapped with Chachi using his telekinesis to lift skirts.
Oscar Taveras – Cards said it’s likely he gets called up on June 4th. Hold on, I need to call my tailor to take out my inseam. The Cards are a mysterious organization when it comes to playing rookie bats, so he might just get called up when the Cards are in AL parks during interleague from June 4th thru 11th. The way they’re yanked Wong around (pun noted and intended), I wouldn’t be surprised to see Taveras called up to only play for a week then get demoted, but he’s a game-changing type bat that is worth stashing. He is batting .322 in Triple-A after all. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you can grab him now, since I just say to come back and read this anyway.
Allen Craig – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .239. Over/under for him hitting .280? June 20th?
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .266, ranked after Brett Lawrie on our Player Rater in the 200’s. There was one man in the noise that told you to not draft Crapenter. One man with a mustache as thick and luscious as a recently combed Persian cat. One man. (Don’t even get me started on Ellsbury, Kipnis and Mauer.)
Mike Moustakas – Demoted to the minors. As he left the clubhouse, he said, “You won’t have Mostsuckass to kick around anymore! And stop calling me Mostsuckass! Mostasuckass out. Literally.”