Common misconception, the A’s know what they’re doing. As of Thursday night, they didn’t even know who was pitching on Saturday. Billy Beane told me confidentially, “I’ve been winging it for fifteen years. I just have a sex tape of Michael Lewis with a contestant from Flavor of Love, so it was write Moneyball or him and Deelishis would be all over the internet.” A lot of sites are listing A.J. Griffin as Saturday’s starter, but I have it on good authority that that (stutterer!) is incorrect. A’s have Straily looking like a lesser-known Muppet Straggly, Alfredo Jettuccine has been getting creamed, Milone is in Sacramento saying to himself, “What have I done to deserve being sent to the Sacra-Ghetto?” and the whole staff needs a Colon cleanse. So, who’s left? My almost-name-sharer and all-around Bubb Rubb-extraordinaire, Sonny Gray. He has nearly a strikeout an inning in Triple-A and a 2.74 FIP. (Yes, I only use FIP when an ERA doesn’t back up my case as tidily. Leave me alone!) I don’t love a start in Toronto, but if he stays in the rotation, the A’s are about to get a great schedule at home. Even if it’s not Saturday, Gray should be up shortly, and no that’s not a height crack, but Gray is tiny. I will call him Mini Me even though he’s taller than me. What? My photo is actual size. So, grab Gray now, because mother says you should buy Gray Gardens– I mean, Gray’s starting. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Robbie Grossman – Fun fact! Robbie Grossman got his name when Robby Benson farted on Scott Baio’s head and Baio said, “Robby, gross, man!” Although, Grossman had an inauspicious start, and will have an inauspicious end, he has been hitting.
Juan Lagares – If you look close, you’ll find a guy that has given decent 5th outfielder numbers in the last month. If you listen close, you can hear the name Juan Lagares when the islands are being listed in the song Kokomo.
Cody Ross – Hitting near .400 in the last week and has as many homers as first names.
Christian Yelich – Just went over him this morning. Click home, scroll down, click again. Thanks, you just made me 1/118th of a penny.
Jon Jay – I dream of a day when I’m sitting behind a dyslexic Cardinals fan and sitting next to a Pakistani doctor in scrubs named Yaj Noj, and the doctor keeps thinking the fan is calling him. I have small dreams.
Michael Saunders – In his last seven games, he has 3 homers, 9 RBIs, 5 runs, .261 average and he’s saved four kittens.
Jonny Gomes – His schmotatoes are hotter than your schmotatoes.
Yonder Alonso – I was all excited to write Yonder down in the Buy column, then I looked at his stats and I fell asleep. I’m sleep-typing right now. Hey, there’s Yaj Noj…Wait a second, why’s he making out with my Cougar?!
Justin Smoak – I streamed him the other day and got a home run, then had a small bit of battachment and by his third straight day of a 1-for-4, I dropped him. I could see taking the flyer on him for some power.
Darin Ruf – Stop, pick him up, let him open up shop in your utility slot… Oh, yes, that’s how Ruf fantasy riders roll…
Brett Wallace – Has four homers in the last ten games. On the for serious tip, he has 9 homers in 42 games this year. I’m not saying he’s been awesome, but the Astros really needed to send him down? I mean, they played Carlos Pena for 85 games.
Logan Morrison – I was trying to come up with something positive to write for Morrison, but I couldn’t so I erased his name, then I thought if I have Smoak or Wallace, I could have Morrison, and that’s all I have to say on him.
Neil Walker – This was written on ESPN’s Neil Walker fantasy profile, “Even his outs were hit hard.” For some reason, that cracked me up. Leave it to ESPN to get excited about Neil Walker. He’s hitting right now, but if you pick him up and get an erection for longer than four hours, see a doctor.
Brian Dozier - For the time being, ignore the group of Z’s floating over his head.
Jonathan Villar – Supposed to be back today from his jammed thumb. Fruit preserves work a lot better when jammed. Any the hoo! Villar has 10 steals in 15 games. Rickey Henderson would pick him up for his fantasy team, which he named Rickey Henderson’s Fantasy Team.
Alcides Escobar – He’s also on Rickey Henderson’s Fantasy Team, only Rickey White-Out’d his computer monitor where Escobar’s name is and made it Alcides Henderson.
Stephen Drew – A big part of me — from like my ankles to my ears — thinks all the Red Sox schmohawks had a hot week because they were facing the Astros, but we’ll see.
Mike Moustakas – I’m proud to announce we are the number one Google result for Mostsuckass. In those Google results there’s a lot of links to other great literary works. My mom would be proud. For the month of July, Mostsuckass was passable as a corner infidel (4 HRs, .267). I could see him matching those totals for the next seven weeks.
Wilmer Flores – Here’s what I said previously on Flores, “He was called up to play third base with Wright on the “Don’t Open Until September” shelf. Why do you care? Well, you probably don’t outside of NL-Only leagues. See you in the next blurb, mixed leaguers! Ah, now that we have those guys out of here, you NL-Only’ers and I can have some quiet time. Have you seen this week’s Ray Donovan? I haven’t because Time Warner and Showtime are holding my entertainment hostage. Let my shows free! So, Wilmer’s hitting .322 with 15 homers in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon. The plus here is he has shortstop eligibility in some leagues. I could see grabbing him in NL-Only leagues and he could be mixed league relevant if he comes out of the gate hitting, but mixed leaguers won’t know because they’re already on the next blurb. Suckers!” And that’s me quoting me!
Jason Castro – I think the definition of a rebound relationship is you have your heart broken so bad that you just start dating the first new person to come along and you really like that person, but more because of comparison to the previous person than anything the new person is doing. Castro is my rebound catcher.
LaTroy Hawkins – I hope he gets a lot of saves. My hope is completely unrealistic. Hope, “I’ve read The Secret too many times.”
Danny Farquhar – Lord Farquhar is just above the 50% owned cut-off for these Buys, but I know if I leave him out someone will be like, “Grey, I want you to rub your mustache all over my body, but one question: where’s Farquhar?” Alas, someone will still ask about him. BTW, don’t ever use ‘alas’ in conversation, you will get punched.
Dane De La Rosa – Ernesto has made it look like LA traded for Marmol. Well, they did, but the actual LA team and not the Orange County LA team. De La Rosa could see saves while Ernesto uses the ninth inning as a toilet.
Alex Wood – Another start where it doesn’t matter where he’s going or where he’s been or if he has an E-Z Pass or toll money, he gets the Marlins on Saturday.
Wei-Yin Chen – In the last month of me touting him, he’s gone from a 2.82 ERA to 2.95. He also gone from 35% owned to 36.8%. Razzball: We Are The 1.8 Percenters!
Rick Porcello – Every few starts, he gets sauced. I don’t know why. His K-rate has also gone in the dumper recently. Luckily, everything else has been good, unlike Dempster where everything’s in the dumper, except his K-rate. Why are we talking about Dempster in Porcello’s blurb? I was correlating. You were rambling, move on. Wow, you’re tough, Random Italicized Voice. Tough love! Move on!
Chase Headley – The Sell’s from now until the end of the year aren’t as in trade them because trading deadlines have passed in a lot of leagues, but this is as in drop them. Drop Headley, specifically. The rest of the season projections on Headley’s player page (click his name) show him capable of five homers and a .257 average with three steals. HAHAHAHAHAHA *breathe, Grey, breathe* Man, I lost it there for a second. Oh, and those horrid rest of the season projections would mean he actually had a better last seven weeks than any other seven weeks of this season. HAHAHA– Okay, seriously, what’s going on here? You and Headley bunkmates in your youth at the Mike Pagliaro Baseball Camp and now you wanna keep it real for your man? Let him go.
Jeff Locke – Hey, you guys had a good run. Maybe you send him a postcard once in a while when you go on family trips with the squirts.
Asdrubal Cabrera – He hasn’t hit more than two homers in any month this year and has only stolen more than two bases in one month, which was a whopping 4. In August, he’s hitting .125. Brad Miller could outperform his rest of the season numbers in a 4-game series. I like Asdrubal a lot too because his name sounds so goofy, but you gotta start looking elsewhere.
Dan Uggla – I can understand holding him if you’re desperate for power, but he’s hitting .190 on the year and only has one month above .200. His average makes him the first guy to make Ed Hardy shirts look bad rather than the other way around. BTW, the irony of Ed Hardy clothing is Ed Hardy himself would think everyone who wears his clothing is a total tool.