Hunter Pence has the manic energy of a gangly man-bird. On average, Hunter Pence’s home run trots last about 20 seconds. So in the last week, he’s run for about minute and twenty seconds while the rest of the world has watched, thinking, “I wonder if he was raised by a pack of pink flamingos.” One time during a trip to the zoo, Hunter Pence got separated from his human family for two hours. He was eventually found in the aviary section of the zoo chewing popcorn and spitting it into a baby bird’s mouth. Those two hours were wiped from all zoo surveillance cameras so it was never accounted for, but anyone who has seen the gangly man-bird run probably can figure out that Hunter Pence was trying to reproduce with an ostrich or some other tall bird. This week he shedded more than feathers. He lost the OCD tissue boxes he’s worn on his feet most of the season and went power crazy: 6 homers in the last week with two coming on Sunday. Hunter Pence said thank you to his H2H owners for believing in this half-bird creature. For next year, I think he’s bound to disappoint as his speed evaporates and goes back to where it was prior to this season (the 10-12-steal range), but for now enjoy a bird/guy who was an afterthought in drafts and has turned into a top five outfielder, according to our Player Rater. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 32nd homer. Au Shizz!
Matt Davidson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st career homer, which ties him with 128,298 other players. Here’s what I said previously about him, “Here’s what Prospect Scott said, “Davidson’s power is legit, as evidenced by the .208 ISO he posted at Double-A last year. The 21-year-old projects to hit 25+ homers annually, but an aggressive approach will likely keep the AVG down. Still, he looks like an above-average 3B, and he’s not too far off. Or as Grey would say, ‘I’m a big dummy.’” What? Why would I say that? The natural inclination to think about when you see a Diamondbacks 3rd base prospect come up with big-time power and a weak average is to compare him to Mark Reynolds. But why such a tendency? What does that say about you? Psychoanalysis for another day. Reynolds had speed, Davidson doesn’t. He’s more in the mold of Pedro Alvarez until he can prove he won’t hit .240 and strikeout 27%+ of the time. I like Davidson a lot in NL-Only leagues, and deep mixed ones for upside, but he needs to get hot first before adding him in most mixed leagues.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Scott quoting me in a Möbius strip of quoting! Davidson did get two hits the last two days while starting, so deeper leagues should take notice. Could be the start of something.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 1 steal. I’m so crazy about this guy you could say I’m eating out of Eaton’s palm, which is hella confusing when said out loud. Yes, I still say hella, deal with it!
Randall Delgado – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Terrific, fantastic, hollow adjective! He goes to Coors next: terrible, awful, hollow adjective!
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer and 2nd in his last three games, though that dates back to Thursday. Though, Part II: Thoughs Are Getting Old, Yoenis Cespedes is headed for an MRI on his shoulder. Well, not headed, but feeted for an MRI. That’s usually the direction one goes. There should be more news on Cespedes’s injury on Monday. Hopefully he has an A-1 day.
Jarrod Parker – Was supposed to pitch on Sunday, but Tommy Milone filled in valiantly (5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks). Parker should be fine; he was just sick, vomiting. Sounds like he’d make a good Phillie fan.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-2 and his 23rd homer. This was his 4th homer in the last ten games as he got hot again to end the season. He’s definitely proved me wrong with his power. I’m not sure of what to make of him for next year yet, but I’m building a wall between myself and most 3rd basemen that will be taken in the first 75 overall, so I doubt I end up with him. Arenado will almost definitely be my Todd Frazier for 2014. Hmm, I should work on comparing him to someone else.
Corey Luebke – Shut down for the season. Back date that news to March.
Will Venable – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 20th steal. He’s cooled off recently, but when the Padres are away their players play for fantasy. <–Almost pithy!
Tommy Medica – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in his first 5 games. The Italian Hospital showed some power in the minor leagues. I’d prefer a guy trying to play hard for a job next year than a bloated All-Star who is coasting to the end of the regular season.
Burch Smith – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. In attendance was a whole section of Smith’s fans dressed up in bear costumes to be Burch’s Root Bears. I’d hold off on getting your own Burch’s Root Bear costume because he’s not this good and for fear that someone confuses you with a Pedo Bear.
Tom Koehler – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Dillon Gee (7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks). The Major League Baseball Players Association was on hand to tape the Mets vs. MIA Marlins game to use as evidential proof next time a hitter is accused of PEDs.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, a solo shot from the leadoff spot, which translates to his 30th homer and 120th RBI from the cleanup spot while the Royals clinch a playoff spot.
Alex Avila – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs (10, 11), hitting near .400 over the last week. You say hot schmotato, I say hot schmotato, let’s call the whole thing on.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks. I feel like a ten-year-old Grey when my mustache was simply a Sharpie-drawn on ‘stache, but I really want Scherzer to win the Cy Young.
Jerome Williams – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win. It was against the Asstros so we shouldn’t start reaching around on each other, but I’m pretty sure I told about 30 people to stream Williams on Sunday. You’re welcome. The Stream-o-Nator and I agree that he should be streamed again for his next start.
Wil Myers – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Deuces are wild! Not “Douches Are Wild,” which is the reality show brothers-in-law, Scott Disick and Kanye are shopping around.
Josmil Pinto – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Josmil is no Wilson Ramos, but he is batting .405 and I did highlight him in Friday’s Buy. Pinto is keeping his schmotato fairly hot. Go with the hand of Grey.
Jean Segura – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs after getting 3 steals in the two previous games. Segura has cooled off since his crazy 1st half; I’m sure it didn’t help that he’s playing surrounded by Scootz Gennett and Scott by Halston.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. This week, like most weeks for Frazier this season, hasn’t been that remarkable. He does have back-to-back two hit games and the aforementioned home run, so maybe the Hitter-Tron is onto something liking him a bit today vs. the Asstros.
Matt Carson – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Answer: Career minor leaguer. Question: Why Matt Carson filled his suitcase with complimentary hotel soap?
Zach McAllister – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. He gets the Astros next time out and, of course, it’s another streaming opportunity. BTW, I think a commenter said recently that some ‘pert at some other site said September is a bad time to stream. I think that’s about as bollocks as you get. September is the best time to stream. Minor leaguers are getting a chance, good teams are resting regulars and you know exactly how good or bad each team is. This week I streamed all over the place and had 90 IP in the RCL with 2.30 ERA and 1.02 WHIP. Yup.
Chris Sale – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks. I don’t own him anywhere, so I love the fact that his ERA went over 3. Give me any discount I can get next year on Sale. Pun point!
Domonic Brown – 1-for-4, 1 run as he returned to the starting lineup. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him sit a few times a week and be about as valuable as, say, Nick Swisher for the last two weeks. I loved owning Brown this year, but I’m not rushing to pick him back up. This time a year is about who’s hot now and not who was hot 3 months ago.
Wilson Ramos – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer. Guys and four girl readers, he’s done that in 68 games. Zoinks! Even if he only had 120 games this year…Well, you can do the rudimentary misleading math by just doubling his stats. It’s not like he’s Arencibia’ing up his stats either. Ramos is hitting .286 on the year. Like everyone who avoids riding in death traps, Ramos is benefiting from losing his Suzuki sidekick.
Denard Span – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. Here’s a hint for you: look at which NL team has scored the most runs in September and try to own every guy on that team, especially the guy at the top of that lineup.
Miguel Gonzalez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks but was pulled from the game because of his groin. If he were dressed like a pizza delivery man, it could’ve been the start of a porno.
Adam Lind – 2-for-3 and his 21st home run, as he hits .280. His season has really been all over the place. From crazy hot to ice cold. He has 4 homers in the last eight games, so there’s hotness coming out again that I’d get in on if I needed power.
Daniel Nava – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Sonavabench! Damn, these one late games kill ya for streaming hitters, ya know? I didn’t want to risk getting a DNP so I put Nava on the bench for some other schmohawk. Oh well, luckily, I’m kicking major ass in the RCL and it shouldn’t matter. Where ya at, Rudy?
Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.51 and upping his record to 11-0. Good move by him sitting out those three middle months when he would’ve had a 5+ ERA and went 1-8.
Matt Kemp – Could be activated for Monday. If he goes 35/35 in the final 12 days, he could salvage his season.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. It’s amazing the Cardinals can tie their own shoelaces wearing the kid gloves they’re using for Miller. Last year, he threw 150 IP; so far he has 161 IP in 2013. That means he’ll finish this season just barely with a couple more five inning starts.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer and 3rd in the last five games. This stretch of games for Adams has been his most successful since a week in March during MTV’s Spring Break when he ran the table at Carlos and Charlie’s and took home five straight wet t-shirt contests. If you don’t know if you should pick up Adams, you haven’t been reading the site for the last week. Shame on you. For good measure, our fantasy football main man, Sky, made him this week’s Creeper.
Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 12th homer. Strained metaphor alert! Molina tracked down hits yesterday like his brothers track down buffets in their off-off-Broadway, loosely based on Hunger Games musical, Hungry Games.