On this Memorial Day, I’m left thinking about things as American as apple pie and fake-breasted women, but mostly I’m left contemplating how similar Memorial Day sounds to Michael Bay. What better way to think of our country’s great holiday, than our real-life Uncle Sam of excessive special effects-laden movies. You can make cars better than us Asia, but can you blow crap up on celluloid and make apocalyptic tripe like World War Z? So, today, go outside and wish someone a Happy Michael Bay, he’s ours. Also, ours is baseball, and a branch off of that is fantasy baseball, and a sub-section of that sub-section is hoarding prospect pitchers that are called up like Michael Wacha. First (immediately after all that other first shizz), let’s see what our prospect writer, Scott, has said about him, “Wacha’s 2012 numbers were just plain silly: 0.86 ERA, 0.57 WHIP, 17.1 K/9 in 11 appearances across three levels (Rookie, High-A, Double-A). Those 11 outings, however, only tallied up to 21 IP. The Cardinals were keeping his workload light, and Wacha never worked through a batting order more than one time through. That was the only criticism, the only reason to expect regression as he stepped up to Triple-A ball this season. Well, Wacha’s done a fine job of quelling those concerns so far. If only we could quell Grey as easily.” Hey, what’s the big idea!? I’m not sure where Wacha’s Ks have been thus far in Triple-A (under a 6 K/9), but his walks have been in check (~2.5 BB/9) and he has an ERA of 2.05 in 52 2/3 IP. If he keeps his K-rate around there in the majors, he’s going to be strictly an NL-Only or 15-team mixed leagues and deeper play. But he looks closer to a 7+ K-rate guy and someone I’d grab in all mixed leagues. The upside is here for greatness; of course the downside of any rookie pitcher is here, as well. All of this is assuming the Cards officially call him up, but the word around town is they’re about to. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Pete Kozma – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with three doubles. The Cardinals love him for his defense, which means he’s garbage for us. And they say fantasy ruins real baseball. Pfft!
Shelby Miller – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Ever since his 13 K game, he’s yet to make it out of the 6th inning. He might want to audit Pitch Management 101 at the University of Phoenix.
Austin Jackson – Could be out for a while. Eligible to come off the DL today, but he’s not close to even running yet. Why does Jackson sound like someone who needs to smoke less pot? Has he lost motivation? He needs to sit down with a guidance counselor and have some sense talked into him.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer. Terms of the agreement are still being ironed out, but Miggy agreed to take a base on balls if Hunter could have a homer.
Ike Davis – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs. On Saturday, Terry Collins wondered aloud if it was time to demote Ike Davis. He said, “Don’t quote me on this, just thinking aloud, but I wonder if Ike Davis sucks so bad that he should go to Triple-A, Double, Single or just start again in Little League.”
Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks. Whatever, the Mets can just call up Wheeler to play 1st base.
Lucas Duda – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Guess how many RBIs he has on 9 homers? Nope, lower. Keep going. No, Quick On Your Feet, the number is over nine. He has 16.
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd in as many games. Feels like that’s the first time I’ve said that about A-Gon in two years. Did the Padres hypnotize him to think every park was Petco before shipping him out? Yes, probably, that is a likely scenario, and would explain why A-Gon walks around the clubhouse barking like a dog.
Yovani Gallardo – 4 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. He might be a swell guy in real life, who just happens to forget to take a cab when he’s drunk even though he has like thirty million dollars, but owning him in fantasy makes me think he’s a miserable prick. Can’t you right the effin’ ship already?! You’re making me frickin’ nauseous!
Ernesto Frieri – Got the save. His stuff has been more hit than miss, but (if the preceding was a negative) he’s cemented in the closer role for now. (Yes, I said ‘cemented’ and ‘for now.’ Would you like some cheese with your hedge?)
Mike Moustakas – Sat out twice this weekend and I didn’t need your nudge, I dropped Mostsuckass on Friday. May he accidentally step in crap every day for the rest of his life.
Chris Perez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Left yesterday’s game with a pinch in his shoulder. He’s got crabs! I’d grab Vinnie Pestano immediately. Not fast enough. Drop him and pick him up again, but faster this time. Faster!
Corey Kluber – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Red Sox. If you started Kluber, you got stones of steel. If you own Kluber and DJ LeMahieu, you better get more energy drinks and glow sticks, cause the kids are gonna go through them.
Nick Swisher – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. The homer stood up to a challenge by the Red Sox manager that Swisher’s sideburns were too far down his face.
Clay Buchholz – Scratched from his start with collarbone irritation. Nothing a little Coppertone can’t fix!
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th steal, but only one homer so far. Member that year he hit 32 homers? No? Well, Ellsbury doesn’t either apparently.
Stephen Drew – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd steal to tie him with David Ortiz, who stole 3rd for the 2nd time in the last week. Note to opposing teams, don’t put the ‘Ortiz shift’ on when he’s already at 2nd base.
Stephen Strasburg – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Strasburg is so money, this Indian doode with a solid gold t-shirt is his personal chef. “How about I tikka masala up some hot dogs for you?” That was overheard when Strasburg was looking through his fridge.
Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs. Rudy and I grabbed this schmohawk in one league after rocking a monster trade (Heyward and Chris Perez for Howie Kendrick and Marco Estrada; we got Jokey Smurf’d bad with Perez). Lombardozzi is playing instead of Espinosa, due to the latter having a broken wrist. Something that sure would’ve been nice to know about, say, I don’t know, when it happened! Lombardozzi is a 7-ish homer, 15-ish steal guy, but his value is depleted if he is A) batting 8th B) Going to lose time to Danny Wristnosogooda C) There’s no C.
Ben Francisco – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to change the first two letters of his name to “Sa.”
Eduardo Nunez – Shut down after feeling a little something. Nunez tried to play it off, saying he was just cutting onions, but the tears made it obvious he felt something.
Brett Gardner – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer to go along with his 9 steals and .259 average. This was his 2nd homer this weekend and I love him.
Alex Cobb – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks (2.66 ERA) vs. CC Sabathia 7 IP, 7 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks (3.96 ERA). It’s lazy to just say Cobb has been better than Sabathia. So, I’ll say he’s been much better.
Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Joe Maddon and his cockamamie platooning had Joyce (and Kelly Johnson) out for two days this weekend for Ryan Tattooey Roberts and You Don’t Deserve The Something-Rod Nickname. I’d continue to roll with Joyce (and Johnson), but obviously it’s ideal if you can have a bench hitter to put in when the Rays are facing a lefty.
James Loney – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and his .398 OBP batting 7th while Tattooey and his .288 OBP hit 2nd. Buddy Holly glasses may make you look smart, Maddon, but that’ll be the day.
Adam Lind – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and a huge 10 for his last 19 with a homer. I put him in Friday’s Buy/Sell because the Hitter-Tron said this guy would be hot this weekend. The Hitter-Tron also said he likes to rub his face into steel brillo pads, so you just gotta know what to focus on with our horny robot.
Munenori Kawasaki – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs. His name literally translates to motorcycle wrapped in seaweed paper, and he’s been mildly hot recently. He’s not much long term, but I’d grab for a little hot schmotato action.
Hector Santiago – Moved to the bullpen after Danks returned. Hector won’t stay 10,000 square meters from the rotation, but you can lose him for now.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. It was the only hit he had this weekend to go along with 6 Ks, lowering his average to .159. Hey, I’m a donkey-phile as much as the next weirdo raised in New Jersey, but how can they possibly justify keeping him in the clean-up spot?
Ian Kennedy – Scratched from his start due to his finger. Well, stop scratching!
Tyler Skaggs – Will get today’s start in place of Kennedy as he goes against the Rangers and another top lefty prospect that hasn’t looked terrific so far, Martin Perez (his rest of the season projections on his player page are hideous). I’ll be watching this game like a cyclops with a monocle, but I’m not currently adding either of them. Skaggs is the more intriguing of the two, since he’s in the NL West, but he’s also called up for just this start unless Kennedy has a setback.
Martin Prado – 4-for-4, and 7 for his last 8, average up to .257. When he was batting .217 entering May, I should’ve told you to buy him. There’s no reason why he should’ve been that bad other than lousy luck. Oh, well. As Lauryn Hill says, you might win some, but you just lost one. Then she calls up Amanda Bynes for a play date at the crazy house.
Santiago Casilla – Out with knee surgery to remove a cyst. The medical term for the procedure is all-cysts-dem-go.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-3 with his 2nd steal, but had a costly error that caused the game to be a blow out for the Giants. Hey, Walt Weiss, Carney Lansford could manage you under the table!
Jason Castro – 4-for-4, 1 run on Saturday and 3-for-4 with 2 homers on Saturday. Guess who picked him up in one of our leagues on Thursday? Thank you for sucking, Jesus Montero! (commence catcher questions in 3, 2…)
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and 4-for-4 on Saturday with a homer as he hits .326 with 7 homers. For Billy Beane’s latest trick, he’s replaced Josh Donaldson with Ryan Zimmerman. Where’s Michael Lewis with his latest, Phoneyball?
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Lastros. Like paper beats rock, Colon beats crap.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp… SLURP!
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-6 with his first homer. Too bad Ron Washington can’t sit still, keeps rubbing his nose and moving him in and out of the lineup.
Kevin Gregg – Got the Win in extras. I don’t usually mention closers when they’re going well — long live, Addison Reed! — but I just had to point out that Kevin Gregg has an ERA of 0.00 through 13 1/3 innings. If it starts raining frogs, you have been warned.
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer to go along with his five steals. Someone dropped him in my RCL, and I can understand it. He hasn’t been bad, but this fantasy shizz is supposed to be fun, and owning Soriano has to be soul-crushingly yawnstipating.
Matt Garza – 4 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Solid start when he just comes off the DL, which you probably got sonavabenched on, then this start. If you don’t want to play nice Garza, there’s always Michael Wacha. In Podcast Nick’s voice, you have been advised.
Ryan Ludwick – Timetable to return is mid-August. Unfortunate for those who named their fantasy teams, Ludwick Van Beatyoass.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks as he flew in the face of my Sell. Who do you think you are? Chris Davis? Don’t you dare fly into my Sell’s face. (Fast side effects of medicine voice, “This was an easy start vs. the Cubs; I’d continue to look to sell him.”)
Cole Hamels – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m really not 100% sure what to make of Hamels so far. Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline. “Hello, Ms. Cleo?” “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?” “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you. What do you see happening with Hamels this year?” “What a good question from such a handsome, young man! To think, you so fine and so smart–” Okay, that shizz is $1.99 per minute, so I don’t have the money for her to be rambling. Honestly, because Hamels’s shoulder is such an unknown (even though there’s been no mention of it since January as causing concerns) and he hasn’t been pitching well, I’d just stay away, unless the price to trade for him was dirt cheap. If you have him, hold and pray.
Matt Wieters – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st steal. This comes after back-to-back 0-for-4 games. See you again in four days, Wieters!
Adam Jones – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer in the last 4 games. Where is he on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater? Near the top ten? Oh, weird, that’s where I had him in the preseason too. What a coinkydink!
Miguel Gonzalez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. When you’re K’ing more hitters than innings, you have my attention. When you’re not doing that on the reg, I’m not as interested. Next he gets the Tigers, which would be good if the Marlins had traded their whole team to the Tigers and not just Miggy.
Jim Johnson – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. JJ looks like dy-no-shite. Showalter can say Johnson is their closer, but unless they want to keep losing games, they will go to Darren O’Day. After you failed with the Pestano pickup, let’s try again. Ready, set… False start. Come on back. Hey, where you going?