Last night, Melky Cabrera hit two homers. Watch out, Melky’s lactating home runs! Sorry, I cribbed that from Rotowire’s notes. Kidding. Of course. Imagine you clicked on a player’s name on another site and the first thing it said was Melky’s lactating home runs. Only it would probably be more like this, “Melky has found his groove this year, especially vs. right-handers, who he’s hitting .330 against. In the power department, he’s lactating equally against righties and lefties.” Snooze! Wake me when you’re not regurgitating numbers. Tell me how you’re glad mom slept with the Melk Man. Or tell me how Melky and Coco Crisp had a threesome that they would refer to later only as a ménage à breakfast. Give me the Juicy Juice with an extra straw! Or give me the obvious, Melky has been a number one outfielder, ranking in the top 15 outfielders on our Player Rater. He’s being sustained by runs, RBIs and average that I won’t put much faith in next year, which will almost definitely make him overrated, but we’ll ferry cross that Melky when we come to it. (Note: We did not give Melky the lede in exchange for free web development.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psych! Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to point you to our fantasy football leagues. They are signing up now. Go there, and sign up for them. You can win expensive, custom-made prizes! No, not a mohair toupee! Who are you, Bud Selig? Anyway II, the roundup:
Danny Valencia – Acquired by the Blue Jays from the Royals for Liam Hendricks and Erik Kratz. The ol’ “Hey, what kind of lint do you have in your pocket? Okay, I’ll trade you my naval cheese for that” trade.
Ryan Goins – 4-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs. The Red Sox never saw Goins comins.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. Keep doing that and you might get an A-lister to star as yourself in your movie, Dickey, and not Freddie Prinze Jr., who went on record yesterday saying he quit acting because he hated working with Kiefer Sutherland so much. Well, I say, thank you, Kiefer Sutherland! True Story Alert! On my first job in the entertainment industry, I was answering phones and someone called for the producer, saying their name was, “Kiefer.” Of course, I said, “Kiefer? How do you spell that?” And he said, “Spell it, Kiefer f***king Sutherland!”
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 5.87. Clay hasn’t looked this bad since the Unchained Melody outtake with Whoopi and Swayze.
Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. Since May 1st, his ERA is now an even 3 with 107 Ks in 90 IP. Take your tired Verlanders, your Dallas Latos’s husband, and whoever else you have that you think is an ace and put them up against Odorizzi. (Don’t compare him to guys that actually have been aces like Kershaw; that won’t work for my point.)
Jake McGee – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 12th save. While Boxberger and Balfour have been devising ways to illustrate good karma to get in Maddon’s good graces, McGee has taken the closer job and run with it. I wish I owned him. Damn, I said that last line while chucking a penny into a wishing well. I want my penny back!
Darwin Barney – Dodgers acquired The Purple Evolutionist for a player to be named later. The way this story is evolving Darwin will also be the player to be named later too.
Tsuyoshi Wada – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Wasn’t Tsuyoshi the name of the dinosaur in Super Mario World? Guess the Cubs had a dinosaur quota. The Stream-o-Nator liked yesterday’s start, and doesn’t love his next one, so nice stream, but I think you have to look elsewhere in the short-term.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Women’s Lit author and raging feminist, Emily Boneface, has looked, and potentially felt, like a natural woman since returning, and is worth an MI flyer, which reminds me of her first book, “There’s an I in Me.”
A.J. Burnett – 5 IP, 7 ER in Metco. Burnett probably enjoyed that a little bit, you know, because it was an impromptu tattooing.
Marlon Byrd – 4-for-5. He didn’t wear his usual uniform number last night, his jersey read, “$8 million in 2015 with a club option for 2016.”
Carlos Ruiz – 4-for-4, 1 RBI. Adderall up and he’s hitting .272 this year.
Bartolo Colon – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.88, which is also his target weight. The Stream-o-Nator liked his start last night, and likes his next one too. I’d stream him since what’s come out of Colon lately hasn’t been nearly as foul as that sounds.
Travis d’Arnaud – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. I liked d’Arnaud in the preseason. I d’id, I d’id. But he hasn’t been particularly hot leading up to yesterday, and is really only good for now in deep leagues where you’re really struggling at catcher.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Someone make the bumper sticker, “What Can’t Duda Do?” and I’ll put it on my car.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. MIA Marlins. Pretty much cruised along the whole game. It was preordained that he would get the win from the first pitch on, then it all went to RaFAIL.
Rafael Soriano – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Smells fishy to me when Latin guys blow saves in Miami. “Rafael, we helped you off the island, we can help you back on the island.” Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, big bet made by the Latin Mafia. “Or you want us to reveal your real name is Kevin Gregg?”
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. He left early after twisting his ankle, but he said he can play today. He’s just going to wrap it in ice and read what his beard has tweeted recently. Sounds like a nice evening.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .272. Prior to the game, OZUNA met with an abused baseball and OZUNA vowed to not hit any homers last night.
Giancarlo Stanton – 0-for-3, 1 run. Member when he used to hit home runs on the reg? Member when you used to punch people for saying ‘on the reg?’ Let’s go back to that simpler time, what you say, Giancarlo?
Adeiny Hechavarria – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .300 in the last week. Could be a short-term schmotato, but Hesverycrappy is not a long-term play.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-5 and two homers off Darvish (11, 12), and he hit one off Yu last week too. Gardner doesn’t take no jive from no Far Eastern messenger.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.90. And I was wrong about Darvish not being right coming out of the break. Oh, well, win some and try to figure out Rudy’s password so I can beat him in others.
Chase Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.34 vs. the Reds. This was a bit of a cushy matchup, and I streamed him in a weekly league for the two matchup week. Chase’ing wins, huh? Cute, Random Italicized Voice. You can tell I got my hair cut? I meant what you said. Oh.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Okay, two more months of that and we’ll be even.
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer. I wonder if he can hold a light bulb in his hand and make it go on.
Jesse Hahn – Has 5-10 starts left says Bud Black. Not to put too fine a point on it like I’m They Might Be Giants, but five to ten starts is a huge difference. Is it five or is it ten? Five or ten? You my brother Rob or Disco Bob? Give it to me straight, Bud.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-3. Gyorko’s hitting .333 since his return from the DL.
Jason Lane – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. The 37-year-old ex-outfielder, Lane, has returned to push the limits of what we all know about Hodgepadres and herbathrowdites. Wasn’t a bad start yesterday; looks like he’s better at avoiding strikeouts as a pitcher. Only thing I didn’t understand is why the Padres didn’t bat him clean-up. Like they have a better run-producing hitter. Not even joking, that’s what makes it sad, not funny.
Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with a sore back. He’s day-to-day or if Harry Belafonte is reading dayo-to-dayo.
Evan Gattis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .292 on the year. Imagine the kind of year he’d be having if he was anywhere close to on pace for a full season of at-bats. Sorry, Imma let you finish, but you don’t even realize how off from a whole season he is. He has 243 ABs in 69 games. If he had the Yan Gomes at-bats (and subsequent runs and RBIs that came with them), Gattis would be a top three catcher on our Player Rater.
Madison Bumgarner – 4 IP, 5 ER. Okay, so you would’ve been better off with Jason Lane starting. Anyone could’ve told you that. *slowly walks out of the room, steps on a dog toy that laughs like a hyena*
Josh Harrison – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. He’s had a decent season so far, and he’s also hitting like a hot schmotato right now. Noted, snitches!
Vance Worley – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.54. The Vanimal! And he has a 5.4 K/9. Sad trombone. But it’s the feel good story of the year! And, again, he has a 5-something K-rate. His mom, Jo Anne Worley, is one foxy cougar, but I would mess with her son.
Jason Castro – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. That whole drafting Jason Castro didn’t work out that well, but he now has three homers in the last ten games. Hot schmotato? Lukewarm schmotato, he’s not hitting for much of an average.
Matt Dominguez – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Finally, I batty called someone and they put out for me. I may just fall in love for a little while since Zimmerman effed me in the effhole.
Craig Gentry – Broke his hand on a bunt attempt on Sunday. Bunting really is a lost art, like the lost art of typing something without staring at what you typed for two hours as you wonder why so-and-so hasn’t Liked it yet. Billy Burns was called up to replace Gentry and with Burns comes the fastest man not named Billy Hamilton (that goes for both Billy Hamiltons). Billy’s got speed to Burns. *high-fives self* Ow, should’ve put down my Stylus first. Billy Burns is so fast, he just ran into your room, gave you a Wet Willie and ran back out. Touch your ear, go ahead, it’s wet. See? Burns will back up Crisp, who is headed for an MRI on his neck. If you need SAGNOF, I’d absolutely look at Burns, but you’ll need to be in a daily league to maximize his value since he probably won’t start except vs. lefties.
Stephen Vogt – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. This was overheard yesterday through Vogt’s hotel room door. “I don’t want to keep doing this.” “You have to. I need you to inhabit my body before every game. Please! Okay, okay, what if I spray paint all of my body hair orange?” “Hmm…All of it?” “Yes.” When the eavesdropper opened the door, The Ghost of Carney Lansford vanished.