Greetings! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, back again to educate, subjugate, and perhaps even procreate if you deem myself worthy. Last week’s post got a bit nasty, but guess what? I’m a nasty boy, just like my deceased brother Biggie, so I liked it. My closest friends speak to me like I’m Jonathan Martin, so these negative comments didn’t cut too deep. A trip to Scottsdale was all my chicken and I required to return to the writing world like Jesus, when the whole needs us. My Arizona trip in a nutshell: Steamy modeling shoot in Scottsdale, tanning nude with the Phoenix Suns dance team, speaking with government officials about their negative reception to gays and minorities and how it must stop or I will no longer be visiting their desert wasteland of a city, and ending it all with some of the most sumptuous lap dances I’ve ever experienced, including one from the beazle who starred in the cult hit Grandma’s Boy (probably NSFW). I hate that movie by the way. Despise it really. Moving on.
I apologize for not being more thorough in adding statistical evidence to support my thoughts last week and will try to do so moving forward. Can I be honest with you though? I’m not a huge analytics guy. Shocker, I know. What I am is an identifier of talent and I’ve prided myself on that throughout the years. I do my research on who the biggest prospects are in the game and then I sit in front of my computer (usually in the nude), watching countless hours of game tape. It’s the reason I’ve drafted Domonic Brown and Chris Davis every season since they played an inning of major league baseball. I saw that special “it” factor in these young stallions and kept gambling that “this is the year” they were going to break out, and last year it finally happened. It would be downright criminal for me to turn on them now, sort of like 50 Cent turning on Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo. That happened and I haven’t stopped asking “WHY?” since. G-Unit was the realest rap squad in history and I’m just stating the facts lil’ homies. Back to baseball; Davis is now a top-10 pick and begrudgingly I MAY have to locate new obsessions, other than Capozzi’s wife of course, as that didn’t turn out well for anyone. Ever seen Fatal Attraction? YIKES!
You want a couple more examples? I’ve always been baffled as to why the Diamondbacks traded Max Scherzer AKA The Gods’s favorite son. You could see early on that this beast of a youth had the makings of a dominant starter and best believe I’ve been rostering him ever since. Scherzer owners were fully rewarded with an insane second half in 2012 where he dropped a 2.69 ERA and 110 k’s on that ass in only 90.1 innings. This surely made him a top-10 fantasy starting pitcher in everyone’s rankings for 2013, right? Wrong. “Ok, well def top-20 then. That’s a no brainer, right?” WRONG AGAIN! ” Ok, ok, Beddict, we get it, but top-30 isn’t THAT disrespectful and he did have a pretty high walk rate. No way he’s below 30 in ANYONE’S rankings, right?” WRONG FOR THE THIRD TIME MY FRIENDS! Tristen Crockcroft had Maxy at 35. The legendary Matthew Berry had Sherz as the 125th overall player behind storied figures Logan Morrison and Shaun Marcum (ARE YOU KIDDING ME). And ESPN’s general rankings had him as the 38th best starting pitcher. This is so god damn disgraceful it makes Mark Davis’s haircut look like a great decision (THE TREND STARTS NOW). No, I’m not going to look at Grey’s rankings for last year because I’m sure he had him higher (Please God’s let Grey have had him ranked higher). Did I follow anything close to these rankings and take a pitcher who didn’t give up as many walks or had a lower fly ball rate? Of course not! I’m not some peon who watches Max Scherzer and thinks there is ANY WAY POSSIBLE, that this guy is not an absolute superstar ready to explode. Of course I drafted him early in the Razzball writers league, and was crushed by Sky (among others) about it. In fact, near the end of the season, when it was clear I was victorious, I brought this back up and an obviously bitter Sky told me ” it was still a bad pick because I could have gotten him in a later round.” I’ll let you imagine how I should have responded. You may be asking: “Who’s a pitcher you could see enjoying a Scherzer like breakout in 2014, oh powerful Beddict?” My answer: Jeff Samardzija. He’s ready to dominate and is undervalued but I will touch on him and my other underrated players next week so keep coming back.
Yu Darvish is another hog I was completely sold on before he even set foot in the major leagues. I even went as far as taking him as my first SP in a dynasty draft. As per usual I faced mass ridicule. As per usual, I jacked off to pictures of Yu Darvish’s stat sheet at the end of the season while verbally assaulting those who questioned a man undoubtedly blessed by the Elder Gods.
Your Uncle Tehol doesn’t hit one out of the park every time my friends so we shan’t pretend that’s the case. What if I told you that a 25-year-old 3rd basement hit 44 home runs, 102 RBIs, stole 24 bags, all while batting a respectable .260? Sure, the average was probably a tad lucky but that didn’t stop me from obsessing over the man like I was a 12-year-old girl reading Tiger Beat magazine, looking at shirtless pics of him next to J.T.T. and Jonathan Brandis (RIP), and then drafting him at the top of the 3rd round of a dynasty draft. How did he perform for me in 2010 you ask? A line of: 32 jacks, 85 RBIs, 7 steals, and wait for it, a .198 batting average! What makes this even more astounding is the fact that this free swinging clucker actually struck out more in his prior monster season. I almost forgot to mention his name but surely you already knew it: Mark Reynolds, and he’s never hit above .221 again. I lust after these power/speed combo players in the same fashion Josh Hartnett does about any acting role of ANY kind ever again. A couple other players I’ve embarrassingly whiffed on: Aaron Hill, the year after he hit 36 and 108. Tommy Hanson, who I’m still in total shock about how disgracefully horrific he is, and last but not least, Matthew Wieters, the man formally known to his college teammates as “God,” who I draft each and every year way too high. Trust me, some of these duds make Ryan Reynolds’s decision-making look genius……. Actually, I take that back. Not only did he marry the much elder Alanis Morissette, but he chose to be in films that any intelligent agent should have told him were hot garbage: Buried, Green Lantern, R.I.P.D, and a bunch of shizz I’ve never heard of in what should be the prime of his career. Isn’t it Ironic? Ok, so he made up for some of that by marrying Scarlett Johansson, dropping her like a bad habit, then upgrading (is that possible?) once again to Blake Lively. Mad props for that. He also starred in one of the most underrated films in history, Just Friends, as well as the surprisingly delightful, The Proposal, so he hasn’t been a total disgrace.
Now if you’ll allow me to, I’d like to preach about my boy “Sir” Domonic Brown for a moment. Yes, he’s earned the “Sir” title and you will address him as such and yes, you will allow me to praise him. Judging by how soft your insults were on the message board last week, some of you are the type of guys who wear an engagement ring before the actual wedding. You know, like a woman. That’s okay though; With my assistance you soon will be leaving insults that would make even Greg Giraldo cringe, if he were alive of course (RIP). Shall we make a list of what I so cherish about this young Jedi? Ok, if you insist. Witness:
1. Since the age of 19, Brown has never hit below .274 and that .274 was over a short 46 game stint. Other than that he’s been right at right around or above 300.
2. In 2010, playing in both AA and AAA, Brown hit for a combined .327 average, .391 OBP, a .589 SLG, 22 doubles, 4 triples, 20 jacks, 68 RBI’s, and tacked on 17 steals. ALL IN 93 GAMES!!!!!NINETY THREE F’ING GAMES!!! SAY SOMETHING ELSE NEGATIVE ABOUT MY BOY! SAY IT!!!! Whoa there, I felt like the legendary Sam Kinison(RIP) for a second. Let me pop a horse tranq’ and keep on with the list.
3. The Phillies screwed him over by bringing him up that same year and then hardly playing him. After that it was just a mix of injuries and bad player management.
4. What happened last year? Brown hit 272, 27 bombs, 83 RBIs, to go along with 8 steals in only 139 games.
5. I don’t care that 17 of his 27 homers were hit in a 39 game span. It all counts the same if you’re playing Roto baby.
6. I don’t care if he seemingly only goes yard to right field. They all count the same.
7. The dude is 26 years old, built like a stallion, and the type of world class athlete a peasant like Adam Jones could only dream of being. Are you going to tell me that at the age of 26, Brown won’t be able to adjust and be able to go deep to all fields? You people are starting to annoy me. “YOU PEOPLE!!?” Yes, you, fantasy baseball players who are doubting this freak of nature.
8. HE IS ONLY 26 YEARS OLD!
9. Many haters write about his second half “collapse” last season, but the facts clearly state that Brown was 1) Injured. And 2) Tried coming back from his injury too soon, leading to Brown being ineffective and not being allowed to run.
10. He is 6′ 5″, 210 pounds and as well know, SIZE MATTERS. Don’t let your significant other tell you anything different.
Ok, enough with the list. I think you get it. You can spit out fly ball rates and k rates or whatever other statistical analysis you want, but I know one thing, and that one thing is that I want to varnish Jessica Simpson in Oreo cream filling and lick off every last speck of creamy goodness. I’ve always wanted Jessica more than words could ever begin to describe so I won’t disgrace her name with an attempt. Even when she was fat and bloated, I would have given my left nut for the chance to hand feed her triple bleu cheese bacon burgers dipped in au jus. Sorry, got off track there. The other one thing and one thing only I know is that I want “Sir” Dominic Brown on each and every single one of my fantasy teams. Want isn’t the correct word here. More like “NEED.” And unlike Chris Davis, Brown is still underrated, so I’d suggest taking advantage of these disgraceful slights against the God. I live my life by two rules and two rules only. 1) Never have unprotected sex at a Tijuana strip club and 2) Never bet against 6′ 5″, 210 pound, handsome, Elder God blessed men who run’s like the cheetahs.
Grey isn’t smitten with the chosen one, Domonic Brown, like I am, but that’s okay. I am fully on board with 97.54321 percent of his rankings as his posts were helping me win titles well before I blackmailed Grey and Rudy into letting me write on this site. On a final side note I’m going to have to ask that you join or commish a Razzball RCL league and tell all your friends to as well. If we can turn every one that played D&D and/or “Magic The Gathering,” we could get bought out for 100 million dollars. And even more special, we’d be stopping people from playing “Magic The Gathering.” Special bonuses to those of you who bring in actual females. Last but not least, you need to check out the new t-shirts on the website as I recently did and I guarantee you’ll be pleasantly surprised. This post was supposed to be on all of the players I felt were underrated this year but I got carried away so we’ll do that next week my peeps. Until then, stay classy.
Your comments, criticism, and questions will be responded to promptly below and feel free (or obligated) to follow me on Twitter at @TeholBeddict47. Here’s to fantasy baseball, the greatest “game” there is.