I mustache you a question, when you drafted, were you Axfording a hard time from your closer? Then you got it. John Axford finally was removed from the closer role. Francona said, “I’ve seen crap before, but Assford demonstrated a whole new level of excrement.” Or something to that effect. I’m not one for details. Axford was replaced by the committee of author Bryan Shaw, Nick at Nite star Cody Allen and The RZE. That’s also the order I’d pick them up. There’s prolly no reason to mess with The RZE, especially after he was treated like Jodie Foster in The Accused yesterday. Speaking of The RZE, Method Man and Raekwon forgot one way to torture their opponents when they talk about rusty screwdrivers and whatnot. “I’ll hack your fantasy team and pick up John Axford and leave him in your active lineup and let him keep feeding you terrible stats, and feeding you, and feeding you and feeding you.” Now, that’s gangster. There’s a good chance Axford never sees another save this year. Collective wisdom says Cody Allen will be the closer, but collective wisdom also said Obama was going to make a difference. Yesterday, the Indians set up the game so Shaw would be the closer, whereas Allen’s one save came when Axford was garbage and Shaw had already been used. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Yan Gomes – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. If Ramos doesn’t vamos, I’m about to Go-mes.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Has there ever been a less heralded three-hole hitter? It’s like Joyce is being overlooked for David DeJohnRitter and Ben Zobreasts.
Joe Mauer – 1-for-3, 1 run as he returned to the lineup. Women in Minnesota with ugly leg sweaters rejoice!
Samuel Deduno – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Fun fact! When he wakes in the morning, it’s to The Boondocks theme song, Deduno, flip, chop, chop, chop.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, hitting .333. He doesn’t have speed or power and that’s a terrible way to start a sentence for fantasy value. He’s got intangibles up the wazoo!
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Brad Ausmus said about letting him start a 2nd time, “It wasn’t even a decision.” You know who is the best manager for making non-decisions? Matt Williams. Ausmus is top five. Ausmus might have to make a decision soon though, because Anibal is returning.
Jeurys Familia – Terry Collins said Familia has moved closer to being the, uh, closer. Great sign for Familia’s fantasy value or Collins was feeling nostalgic on Mother’s Day and wanted to say something nice about Familia. “On Mother’s Day, when players use pink bats, I’m reminded of my dog’s pink bat.” That’s Terry Collins just feeling emotional. Since Farnsworth, Dice-K and Valverde are like the Familia that make you say, “You can choose your friends, but can’t choose who the manager makes the closer,” and no one else has been near decent, I’d grab Familia. He could be the closer within a week for the rest of the year.
Jenrry Mejia – Sounds like he’s headed to the bullpen, which could push Rafael Montero into the rotation. Prospect Scott already gave you his Rafael Montero fantasy. It only disparaged me three times. His numbers in Triple-A are outstanding — 8.9 K/9, 3.67 ERA — when you consider he’s pitching in the PCL, which is the equivalent to pitching on the moon. I grabbed him in one deeper mixed league.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Murphy’s Law states that just when you start to wonder why you have Murphy on your team, he homers or steals a base to remind you. Murphy’s Law doesn’t say anything about what would happen if you were to wonder about Murphy every day if he’d do something that often.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks. Well, it looks like he entered the game healthy, but then threw 133 pitches, so I’m not sure how he left. I’m guessing with a wet noodle hanging from his shoulder socket.
Matt Wieters – Hit the DL with his sore elbow after the Orioles said he wouldn’t. The O’s lie, they lie with their cries of Wieters’s health. Now they’re saying if he can’t throw by July 1st, he’ll have Tommy John surgery. Can’t he DH until the end of this season? Are they worried he won’t be able to throw the helmet after he DH’s? What gives? Throw Grey some knowledge!
Chris Tillman – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Looks almost identical to the pitcher he was last year, maybe his sideburns are a tad longer. Oh, and his peripherals look the same too, which is to say a borderline shallower mixed league starter rather than taking a step forward and being a necessary mixed league starter.
Jason Castro – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. You, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have dropped Castro for Pierzynski.” You seeing Pierzynski had a decent game yesterday. You, “I’m going to take a nap.”
Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. He now has a share of the team lead in saves. If anyone can get eight-plus saves on the Astros, I’d put my money on Qualls. That money being a nickel.
Chris Sale – Will make two rehab starts prior to returning. That means you have one maybe two rehab starts to play up how he’s about to return so you can trade him. It’s a Sales trick.
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, and has hit in his last 7 games. He’s not exactly Nolan Gordonado, but he has been swinging a hot bat.
Chase Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks as entered the Diamondbacks rotation because none of the coaches turned their chairs around for Bolsinger. Anderson has exceptional numbers at Double-A (8.8 K/9, 1.4 BB/9, 0.69 ERA), but he’s also old for that level (26). It’s like when you shave your 13-year-old’s mustache and put him in a T-Ball uniform. No good ever came of shaving a mustache. I’d look at Anderson in NL-Only and very deep mixed leagues. He could be the kind of guy to have a few decent starts prior to the league catching up to him.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and 2nd one in three games. Sung like Rico Sauve, “Caliente schmotato.”
Miguel Montero – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and 5th homer. Must…resist…urge…to…drop…Ramos…for…Montero… And…resist…urge to…write…in…multiple…ellipsis…
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 steals. Pollock’s stat line confused him, wondering how he got two steals on one run. Pollock’s now stolen five bases in the last five games, and I picked him up in one league. SAGNOF!
Martin Perez – Will have an MRI on his sore elbow. If you wanna send him to the Disgraceful List, you don’t need to make pretend. Just do it. Starting in Perez’s place on Wednesday is Nick Tepesch, who is kosher for Passover, but not kosher for decent fantasy starter.
Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 2 run and 2 steals. Praying this gets Rios hot because so far he’s given me a severe case of the yawns. The whole Rangers team actually. Him, Fielder, Beltre and Choo (homered yesterday) were supposed to be the new sexy, so far they’ve been the new blech.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Good to see Pedroia stand up to adversity as he faces the murder charges for his nephew, King Joffrey.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. His peripherals are now 8.8 K/9, 1.9 BB/9 and 3.17 xFIP, which is great, excellent, terrific, or its apt acronym GET.
CC Sabathia – Placed on the DL with fluid in knee. Crystal Light, specifically.
Michael Pineda – Yankees reported that Pineda won’t be back in a month as they originally thought. They’re prolly just stalling him until he’s in his 30’s, so he doesn’t throw off the whole team chemistry. Member when Jesus Montero for Pineda seemed like a big deal? Yup.
Aramis Ramirez – To the DL with a strained hamstring. It’s no surprise, since his Christian name is Aramiss Time Ramirez. This means more playing time for Mini Donkey (2-for-5, 1 RBI) and possibly Jeff Biatch. If Biatch can stop acting like a total Mean Girl.
Rickie Weeks – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he got the start the last two days over Scooter. That’s fine, whatevs, but Rickie Weeks who didn’t even warrant starting until this weekend was batting third, while Segura hits 7th. Really? Really, Seth Myers?
Adam LaRoche – To the DL with a quad strain. It’s straining men!
Gio Gonzalez – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Gio looks like an economical substitute for a number one starter…*drives it off lot* Holy Jesus Guzman, why is there smoking coming from under the hood?! What are those flames?! And why are they also coming from my anus?! GIO!!!
Derek Norris – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers, hitting .385. Two catchers I previously had on my team went deep three times yesterday. Meanwhile, Wilson Ramos got the day off. *removes The Bell Jar from bookshelf, opens to first page, sticks head in oven*
Brandon Moss – 3-for-4, 1 run, now hitting close to .300 in the last week with 2 homers. A rolling Moss collects no… Uh…. A rolling rock is a beer that drinks with reckless a-Brandon?
Craig Gentry – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 6th steal, hitting leadoff. Hasn’t done much since Coco didn’t heed the B. Ware signs on the fence, but Gentry is in a good place to succeed for the short term.
Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering ERA to 2.28. That’s beautiful, is that felt? No, it’s Kazmir.
Casey Janssen – Activated from the DL. Loup-Cecil-Delabar can go back to setting him up and sounding like an archipelago off the coast of Florida.
Marcus Stroman – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER. You’re a Stroman, not an Astro, man!
Drew Hutchison – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 4.37. His xFIP, K and walk rates are much better than he’s showing and I’d try to stay strong with him, but I know it’s gotta be hard in some leagues. Look at me, sympathizing with you. We’re over-the-internet friends and that is an uncommon bond.
Hank Conger – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he hits .314. It’s too bad The Sciosciapath is giving him the Napoli treatment, which means no matter how well Conger hits or how much nipple his mom shows, Scioscia won’t make him the starting catcher.
Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 8th and 9th steals, hitting .313. I told you he’d be good (about two and a half years ago)! I’m like Nostradamus with a broken wrist watch. You can call me Nostradumbass.
Alex Gordon – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Super, great, wonderful. Hit a frickin’ homer! Alcides Escobar (2-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer yesterday and Gordon has one homer on the year. Did the Mega Maid from Spaceballs suck all the power out of the Royals lineup? How does Eric Hosmer (2-for-5, 1 run) and Gordon combined have the same power as Alcides? Oh, and Billy Butler (1-for-5) has one homer too! Dubya tee eff!
Chris Young – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.63. His xFIP says he’s been very lucky and his strikeout and walk rates say he’s been hella lucky and the paint-chipped ceilings in the M’s clubhouse say his luck is hit or miss.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4 and two solo homers, his 3rd and fourth. He’s got the same number of homers as Alex Gordon, Butler, Hosmer, Aoki, Lorenzo Cain and Johnny Giavotella, and I’m mentioning Giavotella only because he homered yesterday, otherwise Ackley would’ve out-homered the Royals entire lineup.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4 yesterday with a caught stealing, after homering twice on Saturday. He’s now hitting .375, though on the Rockies they have like five guys hitting at least .350. Keep an eye on Dickerson in mixed leagues if his big game on Saturday adds a playing time feather to his cap and Weiss calls it macaroni. Didja know macaroni was like phat back in 1700’s? We should bring that back.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Straight macaroni!
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-3 and his 12th steal as he returned to the lineup. He must’ve been feeling more Bhealthy and less Billy.
Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. In two starts, he’s going to throw his annual no-hitter, so if you want to buy him low, you better hurry.
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks and Jonathon Broxton returns his giant badonkadonk to the waiver wire.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer. And to think a few years ago Gattis would yell, “Home run!” when a passing motorist threw a half-eaten hoagie out the window of their car near him.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hopefully this is a sign that he’s about to get hot, but he homered in his first major league at-bat and we see how well that was a sign of things to come.
Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. For the sake of Leo Mazzone, Bobby Cox, Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux, could Harang start looking bad just so it doesn’t seem like the Braves could put anyone in the rotation and make them a sub-3 ERA pitcher? *Mike Minor slowly tiptoes out of the room*
Starling Marte – Day-to-day with a sore back. C’mon, Starling, inaction from a gerund is just confusing.
Jaff Decker – 0-for-1. Was called up by the Pirates because they’re an outfielder light with injuries. He’ll probably hold a press conference and tell the world his name is really Jeff Dacker. At least that would make more sense. What on earth is a Jaff? He’s a low average guy with some power and speed who will prolly be a bench player. Now shake your Jaffy taffy!
Jordy Mercer – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s hitting .300 in the last week and was a preseason favorite by some — don’t look at me — to break out with his mollywhopping stick. This could be the start of a little hot schmotato’ing, so do onto Jordy as you wouldn’t do onto Jaff.
Jason Grilli – Threw a bullpen session on Sunday, which put him about ten to fourteen days away from returning. Sounds more like Jason Slow Cooker. *high fives self* Ow, carpal tunnel!
Will Venable – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. So far this year, he’s been garbage on the surface of the sun, but this could be the start of something. I’d absolutely take a flyer on him if he were available.
Robbie Erlin – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Carlos Marmol – The Marlins designated him for assignment. His assignment is to throw like someone other than himself.
Henderson Alvarez – 4 IP, 5 ER. Live with inferior stuff and die with inferior stuff, which sounds like something a capitalist would say.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. He’s hoping that homer will go a long way to getting him a prom date.
Brandon Hicks – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He would have the 2nd most homers on my RCL team. Oy gevalt!
Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, .189. Too bad hitting his weight has lost some of the panache. He’s been one of the unluckiest hitters so far, and could see him hitting closer to his pre-diet weight soon.
Kenley Jansen – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA is up to 4.58. This year everyone but Jansen is having heart problems when he pitches.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting .318. I read about Puig’s escape from Cuba in ESPN The Magazine that involved drug cartels, smugglers, crooks and murderers. Most of them are still after him for payback. Okay, now it makes sense why he drives fast.