The 40-man roster began in the 1960’s when the Houston Colt 45’s entered as an expansion team. It gave them an opportunity to call up a young, smooth outfielder named Billy Dee Williams, who could play the field with the best of them. Unfortunately, he was on the bench most days, because his team was content playing some grizzled vets, but then his sweet moustache caught the attention of the nearby space program who was looking to break the astronaut color barrier, and he landed a job as a city adminstrator in a nearby galaxy. This is the problem with most rookies, they need space to play. There’s already been some call-ups: Manny Machado came up and hit three quick homers then he went on a five minute diatribe where he only talked in 1st person, “Machado don’t love you; Machado want to watch Wheel of Fortune; Machado is demanding middle infielder slot on your fantasy team; Machado will be good next year or maybe 2014.” Trevor Bauer tipped his foot in the major leagues, then his whole body as he made your fantasy team his own personal dunk tank. I already went over my Shelby Miller fantasy; I wrote it with dye from purple potatoes. I already went over my Billy Hamilton fantasy; I wrote that without considering Dusty “I don’t play no damn rookies!” Baker. My Brett Jackson fantasy and the Josh Vitters fantasy were the same and they may as well have been lumped in with my Mike Olt fantasy too. Wil Myers will probably end up the same as my Jurickson Profar fantasy, i.e., they’re not playing this year. Let’s just say, rookies are a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Except, maybe, oh, geez, another one is pulling me in… This Jedd Gyorko fella seems kinda interesting. Here’s what I said earlier in the season, “His last name is pronounced Jerko. You ask, what kind of last name is pronounced Jerko? The kind that will get you punched in the face. At least he’s not a hockey player, or his name would be Jerkov. After seeing what Yonder’s done in Petco…And Headley… And Quentin… And every Padres hitter to ever play in Petco besides an in-his-prime A-Gon. I’d still be cautious. You’re looking a guy that might give 6 homers without much speed over the final two months. It’s a’ight.” And that’s me quoting me! That was obviously last month and now he only has a month left to prove his 30 homers in the minor leagues this year wasn’t a fluke. If you’re hurting for power in very deep leagues, I’d take a flyer. In NL-Only and deep keepers, he’s obviously a must own. There’s no way he doesn’t break camp with the Padres next year. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Chris Nelson – Now this is how you start a Buy column! Chris Mothereffin’ Nelson! And that’s more excitement than his own family shows him. He doesn’t have much power or speed or a very memorable name… Shoot, the positive stuff about Nelson was written on a piece of paper that got wet. He, uh, has been crapping well recently? Oh, hitting well recently! Yes, and the Rockies are home until someday…Sunday. They’re home until Sunday.
Donovan Solano – I didn’t mention him much for the last ten days when he was hitting at a near .400 clip, but I have my reasons. All right, I’ll tell ya. He’s not doing anything but hitting a bunch of singles. Donovan hasn’t had this many singles since he was in a strip club in the 1960’s. He could show some speed, so it’s worth giving him a whirl if you need some average and speed at your middle infield slot. Who am I kidding? Everyone needs that from their MI.
Wilin Rosario – He’s only owned in 25% of ESPN leagues. Are you people crackers?! He has 22 homers. You know who else has 22 homers? Hanley Ramirez. Only he has 200 extra at-bats. Wilin has more homers than anyone with less than 300 at-bats. Okay, so it’s hurting his counting stats, right? He only has 6 less runs than Pierzynski and 13 less RBIs. He has more runs than McCann and only three less runs than Posey. He’s making Carlos Santana look like he’s doing another Rob Thomas duet, and he’s blowing away Napoli. Okay, I’m gonna move on before I inflame my ulcer.
Lucas Duda – “Hey, Devil here. What’s the haps? Question for you. I’ll make you a major league baseball player, but for your entire life you have to hear the Camptown Races song playing in your head. Do we have a deal?” I know which way Lucas Duda answered.
Adam Lind – I’m doing all I can to push Lind by not picking him up, but so far he hasn’t really answered that non-call. I’d still grab him for power. I mean, I won’t grab him for power, so when you grab him he gives you power.
Mauro Gomez – MaLoney, the Rudy-coined Mauro/Loney Sawx platoon, is a mess, but if Mauro can emerge with the majority of at-bats, he could have value in deeper leagues. In Triple-A, he was the International League MVP after batting .310 with 24 homers in 100 games. He’s nothing terrific (he’s old for a prospect, and right now he’s on the bad side of the platoon), but he’s worth keeping an eye on in mixed leagues or grabbing in AL-Only leagues.
Trayvon Robinson – SAGNOF!
Marco Estrada – He won’t go more than six innings, but he also won’t have less than six Ks and decent ratios. I’d push my CHIPs in for that Estrada. Cue Rosco P. Coltrane laugh.
Lucas Harrell – Going from a guy who won’t go more than 6 innings to a guy pitching for the Lastros. So how are you getting Wins? You’re forming a prayer rectangle with your co-workers and squeezing your eyes shut praying to my mustache.
Pedro Alvarez – Almost as baffling as Rosario only being owned in 25% leagues is Alvarez being owned in just under 50% of leagues. ESPN ownership math is like trying to figure out Jamie Kennedy’s fame. It doesn’t make any sense then you’re at a BBQ and someone quotes a line from one of his movies and you’re like, “It still doesn’t make any sense to me, but it does to people I’m hanging out with, so what does that say about me?” Or maybe that has nothing to do with ESPN ownership math, but it did have me puzzled recently.
Brandon League – Kenley’s on the shelf with heart problems and League or Ronald Belisario could see saves. I’d grab them in that order, but I have only 5% confidence in that League endorsement. I’m just being real with you. You hear me? Hello? Hmm, maybe it’s because everyone is over at our fantasy football blog. Seamless, I tell ya!
Javier Lopez – You know those marble puzzles where you tilt the board and you try and get the marble to fall out the hole? Okay, imagine the marble is “Who’s going to close for the Giants?” and the maze board is Bochy’s head.
Patrick Corbin – Innings limits are gonna shutdown quite few of our faves: Michael Fiers, Marco Estrada, Strasburg (though don’t drop him), Matt Harvey, Chris Sale, all the Rockies starters (but who cares), Samardzijaqwertyuiop, etc. At this point in the season, you’re best to look at the Stream-o-Nator and play matchups rather than worry what’s a guy gonna be like in three weeks’ time.
Jason Kubel – How did I come upon his name? I went to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater and sorted by the last 20 days and scrolled down to the bottom. Yikes, Kubel’s been a to the trocious.
Mark Teixeira – Okay, everyone knows Gangnam Style. If you don’t, I feel sad for you. Now, usually Gangnam Style has you prancing around your yard while your neighbors think you have an illegally-obtained horse. As awesome as that is, if you’re listening to Gangnam Style in super slo-mo, then it’s like everything else in super slo-mo, depressing. You can’t do the imaginary horse riding dance in super-slo, it makes you look like you’re churning butter. No girl is gonna think you’re cool when you’re doing the Amish man, making butter dance. Now, to tie in this in the most tangentially possible ways, listening to Gangnam Style in slo-mo is owning Te(i)x. He’s got an injury that sometimes sidelines players for three weeks. If the Yankees are getting into the playoffs, are they going to rest Te(i)x or play him hard? When he was playing recently, he wasn’t doing much. With rosters expanding, the Yankees aren’t even DL’ing him. If you have bench room, then, sure, hold him, but I wouldn’t expect much from him the rest of the season, making him droppable. Oooooooooooppppppppaaaa Gaaaaaaaaanghaaaaaaam Stttttttttyle! Actually, even in slo-mo it’s awesome. But Te(i)x is not.