The Mariners trying to bulk up their team is like watching someone dress up their pet monkey in baby clothes. It’s cute. You’re glad they have something they love. Then you realize they’re suffering from postpartum depression and you’re sick of them bothering you with questions about when they should enroll their baby monkey in daycare. That monkey ain’t gonna grow up to be a world famous fantasy baseball blogger like yours truly who uses 100 monkeys on 99 typewriters to write these posts. Someone buy Ling-Ling a typewriter! Similarly, it’s cute the Mariners are dressing up their monkey with new outfielders, especially one that missed all of last year — Corey Hart — and one that even a terrible team didn’t want any part of — Logan Morrison. Corey Hart is committed to wearing sunglasses at night and being ready to go for Opening Day. Let’s see, someone says to you, “I’ll give you millions of dollars if you say you’re healthy and ready to return.” Would you say you’re healthy and ready to return? Yeah, me too. It doesn’t make us or Corey Hart bad people, but it’s a whole lot easier for him to say he’s ready to return than to go out and play 150+ games after a pair of knee surgeries. If he can DH the whole season and stay in the lineup, I could see a 27 homer, 90+ RBI season. The once 20-steal speed isn’t happening anymore. Unless he got a stamp card with those knee surgeries and the fifth one is free. For 2014, I’ll give him the line 72/23/84/.278/3. Morrison also had knee surgery last year, but he’s a lot younger and more prone to saying hashtag. I’m guessing Seattle GM Zduriencik saw Morrison had 363 homers in his four-year career and wanted him bad. Too bad Zduriencik moved his finger down the homer column and accidentally slide to the left and was actually reading his games played. There’s a chance Seattle will push Morrison and Hart to DH/1B and be done with Smoak like the Marlins were done with Morrison, but it’s too early to say. I’m just hoping Seattle trades Brad Miller for Starlin Castro so the Cubs can field a Barney/Miller at middle infield. For 2014, I’ll give Morrison the line 61/17/70/.245. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2014 fantasy baseball:
Charlie Morton – Re-signed with the Pirates. Char-Mo isn’t just a now-defunct charcoal grill accessories store extension to Bev-Mo, but is a pitcher that no one wants on their fantasy team, until they’re down 6-4 in their H2H league and Char-Mo’s pitching on Sunday. I feel ya on that. Not literally, you don’t have to wash your hair. Nothing exciting about Morton for fantasy. About as average as can be. Think 9-8/3.81/1.31/103. Not even a lowercase yay for that.
Jerry Blevins – Traded to the Nats. No word if Barbara Billingsley will travel with The Beav.
Edinson Volquez – Signed with the Pirates. Here’s Major League Baseball sitting at the poker table with Ray Searage, pitching coach for the Pirates. We see what you did with Francisco Liriano and we raise you…Edinson Volquez! The crowd goes silent. The odds pop up on the screen for a sub-3.00 ERA turning over on the river. Ooh, 5,000 to 1. And Ray pulls a ’190 Ks in 2014′ card to win! Incredible! Or more likely for 2014, 10-12/4.27/1.51/159.
Bartolo Colon – Signed with the Mets. Damn, the Mets have serious Yankee envy. Now they’re just signing doppelgangers. “Hey, this guy is fat and CC Sabathia is fat, let’s get him!” Next thing you know, they’re gonna sign The Situation to pay shortstop and Paul Sorvino to manage, then replace Sorvino with Whiz Kid Donnie Smith. One positive thing about Bartolo Colon signing with the Mets is Mr. Met can hide behind him, upping his Hide ‘n Seek game. One negative thing is the price of Jamaican beef patties in Queens is gonna go through the roof with demand going up. Since Bartolo’s K-rate isn’t above 6, I’m gonna say his ERA doesn’t remain near 2.50, but I’ve been wrong about him in the past. If you’re a fan of Bartolo (for a reason I can’t fathom), then this move doesn’t hurt his value. I’ll give him the line of 10-12/3.78/1.23/124.