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The Mariners trying to bulk up their team is like watching someone dress up their pet monkey in baby clothes.  It’s cute.  You’re glad they have something they love.  Then you realize they’re suffering from postpartum depression and you’re sick of them bothering you with questions about when they should enroll their baby monkey in daycare.  That monkey ain’t gonna grow up to be a world famous fantasy baseball blogger like yours truly who uses 100 monkeys on 99 typewriters to write these posts.  Someone buy Ling-Ling a typewriter!  Similarly, it’s cute the Mariners are dressing up their monkey with new outfielders, especially one that missed all of last year — Corey Hart — and one that even a terrible team didn’t want any part of — Logan MorrisonCorey Hart is committed to wearing sunglasses at night and being ready to go for Opening Day.  Let’s see, someone says to you, “I’ll give you millions of dollars if you say you’re healthy and ready to return.”  Would you say you’re healthy and ready to return?  Yeah, me too.  It doesn’t make us or Corey Hart bad people, but it’s a whole lot easier for him to say he’s ready to return than to go out and play 150+ games after a pair of knee surgeries.  If he can DH the whole season and stay in the lineup, I could see a 27 homer, 90+ RBI season.  The once 20-steal speed isn’t happening anymore.  Unless he got a stamp card with those knee surgeries and the fifth one is free.  For 2014, I’ll give him the line 72/23/84/.278/3.  Morrison also had knee surgery last year, but he’s a lot younger and more prone to saying hashtag.  I’m guessing Seattle GM Zduriencik saw Morrison had 363 homers in his four-year career and wanted him bad.  Too bad Zduriencik moved his finger down the homer column and accidentally slide to the left and was actually reading his games played.  There’s a chance Seattle will push Morrison and Hart to DH/1B and be done with Smoak like the Marlins were done with Morrison, but it’s too early to say.  I’m just hoping Seattle trades Brad Miller for Starlin Castro so the Cubs can field a Barney/Miller at middle infield.  For 2014, I’ll give Morrison the line 61/17/70/.245.  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2014 fantasy baseball:

Charlie Morton – Re-signed with the Pirates.  Char-Mo isn’t just a now-defunct charcoal grill accessories store extension to Bev-Mo, but is a pitcher that no one wants on their fantasy team, until they’re down 6-4 in their H2H league and Char-Mo’s pitching on Sunday.  I feel ya on that.  Not literally, you don’t have to wash your hair.  Nothing exciting about Morton for fantasy.  About as average as can be.  Think 9-8/3.81/1.31/103.  Not even a lowercase yay for that.

Jerry Blevins – Traded to the Nats.  No word if Barbara Billingsley will travel with The Beav.

Edinson Volquez – Signed with the Pirates.  Here’s Major League Baseball sitting at the poker table with Ray Searage, pitching coach for the Pirates.  We see what you did with Francisco Liriano and we raise you…Edinson Volquez!  The crowd goes silent.  The odds pop up on the screen for a sub-3.00 ERA turning over on the river.  Ooh, 5,000 to 1.  And Ray pulls a ’190 Ks in 2014′ card to win!  Incredible!  Or more likely for 2014, 10-12/4.27/1.51/159.

Bartolo Colon – Signed with the Mets.  Damn, the Mets have serious Yankee envy.  Now they’re just signing doppelgangers.  “Hey, this guy is fat and CC Sabathia is fat, let’s get him!”  Next thing you know, they’re gonna sign The Situation to pay shortstop and Paul Sorvino to manage, then replace Sorvino with Whiz Kid Donnie Smith.  One positive thing about Bartolo Colon signing with the Mets is Mr. Met can hide behind him, upping his Hide ‘n Seek game.  One negative thing is the price of Jamaican beef patties in Queens is gonna go through the roof with demand going up.  Since Bartolo’s K-rate isn’t above 6, I’m gonna say his ERA doesn’t remain near 2.50, but I’ve been wrong about him in the past.  If you’re a fan of Bartolo (for a reason I can’t fathom), then this move doesn’t hurt his value.  I’ll give him the line of 10-12/3.78/1.23/124.

  1. Nicky Numbnuts says:
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    I hope my mets aren’t thinking Fatolo is going to repeat his numbers in Two-Shea.

    • birrrdy! says:
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      @Count de Monetball: Double thumbs up. That never gets old!

      • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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        @birrrdy!: eh, the drunk, nitrous inhaling scarecrow is BACK! are you too, what was it…. eh… gulp cough choke…. context sensitive as well?

  2. Jon says:
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    Is Hart in the same tier as Fat Adams and Jose Abreu for 2014?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Jon: My rankings come out in January

  3. Wake Up says:
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    HarMo….wearing sunglasses at night…..and tweeting….#Don’t you hear me calling, I’m on my knees
    Don’t you feel me falling at your feet
    LoMo in the darkness holding my Hart…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Wake Up: That was beautiful, Wake… A symphony for my eyes…

      • Wake Up says:
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        @Grey: it came to me on the can…

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          The best ones always do

  4. Abe Vigoda says:
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    Can’t wait for the NY Post headline…

    “Phillies to get a taste of Mets Colon”

  5. Jon says:
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    Have you seen the ZiPS projection for Maikel Franco? 81/24/92/259/2 pretty legit. Is he a rookie we should be targeting?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Jon: He’s not going to play this year until maybe August…

  6. JoeG414 says:
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    What ever happen to the CBS Fantasy Forums? I would only use that forum to seek owners for my league. I love Razz-Ball.

  7. Jay says:
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    Tis the season of greetings Grey-

    So my league too is hosting its winter meetings….minus the warm florida weather of course
    going into next year have a bit of a predicament. we keep 5 but I don;t have picks in the first 6 rounds (my first pick is in the 12th). MY keepers are decent: Votto, Longo, Stanton, Machado, Stras. I have some trade chips in Hamels, Lee, Greinke, Heyward.

    most people are interested in Stanton, but i’m looking to build with Stanton, MAchado and Stras.

    My question is based on the above, would you
    A) move greinke for for an 8th rd (3rd after keepers)
    B) move Grienke for Kipnis and than move Longo for perhaps the first pick overall (6th round, 1st after keepers)and a later round upgrade or a 7th and 9th rd pick (2nd and 4th rd after keepers).
    C)
    D) Stand pat

    Thank you Sir.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Jay: A

      • Jay says:
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        @Grey: what about moving Greinke, longo, my two last picks rd 21 and 22 for beltre and rds 8 and 11 or 7 and 12?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I don’t like it

          • Jay says:
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            @Grey: i’m not 100% thrilled with either but it’s my best chance to replenish some picks and get a decent replacement for Longo.

            not picking for 6 rounds has got me worried. not sure how competitive I can be with that core and then a bunch guys from the 12th rd on. We only get 100 moves for the season. If that wasn;t a consideration I could see going into the draft and then just making daily moves and playing matchups, but with a finite amount of moves, I think this move helps. I could be way off though.

  8. Mr. Rickey says:
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    Hart, Morrison, Morton, Blevins, Volquez and Colon. If ever there was an argument that MLB needs to downsize and eliminate several under performing franchises, this list of signings underscores it. Not enough good players to go around. Either let them juice or close down Miami, Tampa Bay, Arizona, Toronto and probably a couple of others. Corey Hart would be big in Japan.

    • willy says:
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      @Mr. Rickey: What are you… a yankee fan? your comment probably would upset millions of baseball fans from those cities

    • Terrible Ted says:
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      @Mr. Rickey: Toronto was 14th overall in average attendance…

      • goodfold2 says:
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        @Terrible Ted: not sure if this is argument for or against TOR, sort of kidding. reminds me of
        Krusty: I will personally spit in every 50th Krusty burger!
        Homer: I like those odds.

  9. Sky

    Sky says:
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    Sigh…

    Signed,

    We Mariners fans

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      You’ll always have Buhner at nearby car dealerships signing autographs…

      • Carnac says:
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        Here you go, Sky: A pic of the current-day soda machine at the community center down the street from me:

        http://i.imgur.com/ZVJFKVd.jpg

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I used to have a soda machine like that in New York but they got rid of it…*shakes fist* Stein!

          • Carnac says:
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            Hahaha I remember that. The machine that replaced it sold Mr. Pib and had a picture of Ken Phelps on it.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              And it played Kyrie and we’d call it Mister Mister Pib.

        • Sky

          Sky says:
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          @Grey: @Carnac: That soda machine should be in 3D.

          • Carnac says:
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            It is when you do the dew.

            • Sky

              Sky says:
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              Ha! I always wondered why my pupils dilated when on MD.

              • Carnac says:
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                When I do the dew, my pupils dilate and I see the world like it’s the Matrix. Or, as Jack Zduriencik says, “STATS!”

                • Sky

                  Sky says:
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                  I’m officially changing his name to ‘Egaduriencik’. The Wedge interview kinda shines a light on what’s going wrong there.

  10. Email was hacked & no razzball emails since then… it seems I’ve been blacklisted.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      So weird… You check your spam folders? I also sent an email to you from my Yahoo account…

      • @Grey: Send me a test from your razzball acct when you have a chance. Think I’ve fixed the issue…

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Sent

  11. Curt says:
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    Nice Barbara Billingsley referenced…….Loved her role in Airplane!!!!!!!!…….Classic.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Ha, nice

  12. royce! says:
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    Did you read that Seattle Times piece on the M’s front office? Scathing. I don’t know if it’s just that I’m getting old and bitter, but it seems like half the league is run by morons, and the other half is either spending a ton of $ to make up for the idiocy of their own team or taking advantage of the misinformed. All of that said, the M’s have money to spend and a highly incentivized deal with Hart is not the worst way to spend it. The worst way would be to buy a closer, which seems inevitable, unfortunately. I’m still all about Farquhar.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Yeah, I alluded to it in the opening paragraph… Pretty funny, Seattle has some of the smartest fans and their GM is a doof… Yeah, Hart deal’s not terrible if they get anything from him…

    • willy says:
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      @royce!: I like stephen pryor personally… think he’s got the stuff to get the job done

  13. KB says:
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    Zobrist or Reyes in ’14 for SS? Reyes has health concerns, Zobrist performance concerns.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Reyes

      • KB says:
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        @Grey: Thanks – Zobrist/Santana or Reyes/Mauer?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Zobrist

  14. Yager says:
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    So by your estimation the Brew Crew lucked out on this one? They have been linked to Ike Davis. If they pull the trigger for him, which scenerio is more likely; Hart being healthy for all of 2014 or Davis turning his play around. Right now I think I am the only one that would like to see Davis in a Brewer’s Uni. I think with a change of scenery he could have a more productive season than Hart. Hypothetically, how do you see Davis fantasy-wise with the Brewers?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’d want Hart in Seattle over Ike in Milwaukee…

  15. Baberaham Lincoln says:
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    Hey Grey,

    Early keeper due date has me against the fence getting mesh burns on my thigh.

    Here are my potential keepers with the draft round they will cost me. I can keep 6.

    1. Votto: 1st Round – Keeper
    2. Reyes: 2nd Round – Pretty safe at Keeper
    3. Latos: 2nd Round – Pretty safe at passing
    4. Choo: 4th Round – Keeper
    5. Pence: 5th Round – Passing? I’m thinking it’s a passing zone here.
    6. Gyorko: 11th Round – Too early
    7. Goldschmidt: 12th Round – No brainer
    8. Rios: 13th Round – Does he revert back to terrible or does Arlington give him a boost?
    9. Yoenis: 13th Round – Injury-plagued season or Injury-plagued career?
    10. Hyun-Jin Ryu: 14th Round – Better first season averages than Darvish, not quite the same K/9 though.
    11. Buchholz: 21st Round – Some deep value here.

    I’m leaning towards Votto, Reyes, Choo, Goldy, Rios & Yoenis.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      No idea what a round is… Goldy, Rios, Votto, Choo, Gyorko, Yoenis

      • Baberaham Lincoln says:
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        @Grey: That’s the draft round I would give up to keep the player.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Yeah, I know that… No idea how many teams, so I have no idea what rounds are… 10th round in a 10 team league is different than a 10th round pick in an 18 team league

          • Baberaham Lincoln says:
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            @Grey: Well then, it’s a 12-team league, I don’t have enough friends for a 18 team league.

            1. Votto: 7th Pick
            2. Reyes: 14th Pick
            3. Latos: 14th Pick
            4. Choo: 28th Pick
            5. Pence: 35th Pick
            6. Gyorko: 77th Pick
            7. Goldschmidt: 84th Pick
            8. Rios: 91st Pick
            9. Yoenis: 91st Pick
            10. Hyun-Jin Ryu: 98th Pick
            11. Buchholz: 147th Pick

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Assumed it was 12 team originally…

            • goodfold2 says:
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              @Baberaham Lincoln: you’ll get more friends when you can afford to get some more gas to get out more. You’re low.

      • Sky

        Sky says:
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        @Gareth: Thanks! I needed a shower!

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        Rawr!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Funny twitter handle, unfunny tweets…

      • Sky

        Sky says:
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        @Grey: I didn’t want to talk bad about you in front of everybody…

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Thanks! Wait a second…

          • Sky

            Sky says:
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            I just assumed it was your test account. It’s where you practice your material.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              It’s my C material!

              • Sky

                Sky says:
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                Really, I was thinking more D-…I mean, yay you!

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
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                  You’re gonna be sleeping in your rental car…Oh, you’re not renting a car… Hmm…

                  • Sky

                    Sky says:
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                    It’s called tough love, not cold, sleep on used needles love!

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Oh, you’re a real aristocrat! What, the only needles they have in Oregon are pine tree needles?

                    • Sky

                      Sky says:
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                      I shant be insulted like this! That’s it, I’m sleeping with Hef on Saturday night! I’ll show you!

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Wait, I wanna stay with Hef too!

                    • Sky

                      Sky says:
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                      You gotta shave first…everywhere. Bunny suits look funny if not.

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Neither the stache… But what else are you proposing I shave? Let’s talk!

                    • Sky

                      Sky says:
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                      You gotta shave…down there. Need me to bring my hedge trimmers?

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Maybe we’ll go for waxes when you get here… That’s a real LA thing to do…

                    • Sky

                      Sky says:
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                      Am I gonna come back to Eugene metrosexual’ed in just two days?

                    • J-FOH says:
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                      @Sky: My sofa is always open for you Sky

                    • Sky

                      Sky says:
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                      Ha, totally me!

                    • J-FOH says:
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                      @Sky: ” uh sky, you can boil the pasta before you eat it”

  16. Gareth says:
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    Grey, I have a drinking question for you: When is it best to get a round in?

    A) First Round
    B) Second Round
    C) Third Round
    D) Fourth Round
    E) Fifth Round

    This is based on a 5 Friend Format.
    I’m leaning towards First round (The Most memorable and gets you good guy points). The cheap ass in me also leans toward the 5th round. After 4 drinks your round may not be required as some people may want to leave, and you basically got 4 free drinks! There is risk however as you may need to stump up for a variable Taxi cost. The Mid rounds seem safe but forgettable.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      1st and 3rd and 5th

  17. Joebob says:
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    In a vacuum, who do you like — cingrani or arenado? Is it close? Thanks!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Arenado

  18. OaktownSteve says:
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    Hey Albright…did you see my whole thing in the forums? You might not have read my additional comments under the original post. It’s a play on the Briggs Myers personality test. I’m kind of curious to see how people’s answers conform to what kind of player they think they are. Your answers actually lined up pretty well to how I thought you’d score.

    Anybody else intersted, check it out here: http://razzball.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=33&t=36213

    Also, the forums are way under utilized. Great place to carry on a conversation.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Yeah, I saw the whole thing, was interesting… I didn’t score out my answers though, I was trying to be honest to the best of my ability… Some were hard due to offseason moves like the Brown or Victorino one… What did my score say about me? I am a Capricorn, after all…

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      I just did mine. I think I scored high on the plus side. From what it looks like, I’m all upside with very little worry about downside. Maybe I should take up skydiving…

      • goodfold2 says:
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        @Sky: or touting Justin hunter and occasionally m.lewis or clay over other guys from time to time. Like Jennings in week 15. BOOM! (surprise compliment at end).

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Oh, I see the score now… Nice… I am pathological risk averse with a nod towards upside… Better to be safe than sorry, but not too safe, is what I always say when trying to confuse the person listening…

      • oaktownsteve says:
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        @Grey:

        So much of fantasy baseball cuts in the same direction as economics where risk tolerance is a huge factor. It’s not uncommon for folks to be risk takers in some areas and not in others. You’re probably a hypochondriac in real life :)

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I’d laugh but it hurts too much my self-inflicted ulcer…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      BTW, love this:

      Eric Hosmer or Anthony Rizzo
      If you picked Rizzo it’s because you live in New Jersey

      You should do a whole post for the site like this… Will get more traction…

      • oaktownsteve says:
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        @Grey:

        My business is in a short, temporary lull but will be 60 hour weeks until mid-January. I’ll email Jay W. and see if we can get it together for Feb. Would be a fun entry on the site.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Agreed!

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Grey: I thought the Beltran and Myers question was a trick, like they are both wrog because they are former Royals the Royals wish they would of kept arounf

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Ha… I don’t think that one’s that close…

          • OaktownSteve says:
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            @Grey:

            I picked Beltran.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Talk about risk averse…

    • J-FOH says:
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      @OaktownSteve: Hey I picked Fielder and I’m fat, this test is magical

      • OaktownSteve says:
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        @J-FOH:

        How’d you score, bud?

        • J-FOH says:
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          @OaktownSteve: 5, what if I only go lefty when I dance with myself, does that make me a situational lefty

          • OaktownSteve says:
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            @J-FOH:

            What you have with injuries I have with young guys. Plus the Yankee yank to the short porch is no joke

            • OaktownSteve says:
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              @OaktownSteve:

              Oops. Meant for Albright. You my friend are a LOOGY

              • J-FOH says:
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                @OaktownSteve: is thay an insult?

                Btw. I miss the roundtable underground email sessions

                • Wake Up says:
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                  @J-FOH: me too buddy…

              • J-FOH says:
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                @OaktownSteve: I’m a moron, yes I’m a LOOGY, I can only give it one shot

    • Wake Up says:
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      @OaktownSteve: Who did you pick if you don’t live in your parents house, or play Xbox, are left-handed but sometimes switch it up for Kate?

      • OaktownSteve says:
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        @Wake Up:

        Freddie Patek

        • Wake Up says:
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          @OaktownSteve: ah-hah…well, I am shorting the diamond…

      • OaktownSteve says:
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        @SteveNZ:

        I woulda pegged you for a conservative

        • OaktownSteve says:
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          @OaktownSteve:

          I am too. Neg 1

  19. Richie says:
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    Traded Simba at 9 and Anibal at 7 for Sale at 18. Going into year with top 3 of Felix, Adverb and Sale for a total of 79 out of 200. ERA is huge in league. What do you think?

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