The Tigers playoffs hopes just took a shot in the lower extremities. Now if they get to the playoffs, they’ll have to pitch Verlander 4 times in a 5 game series with Miggy pitching the other game. That’s not our concern though, is it? Of course, it isn’t. Our concern is on the fantasy diamond, which is also what you proposed to your baby’s mama with. ”Shizz is on layaway, baby, you know I got you when my checks come in. Now let’s run off to City Hall, and make this thing official before your pops comes for my nuts.” Max Scherzer left after 2 innings yesterday due to right shoulder fatigue. Here’s what his left shoulder had to say, “I told that honkey-ass shoulder to take a damn catnap!” Wow, harsh words from the left shoulder. This late in the season there’s no way Scherzer is going to come back so you can go ahead and lose him in non-keepers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Quintin Berry – Left yesterday’s game with a shoulder injury. It’s an epidemic!
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 39th and 40th homers. This is the first time he’s hit forty homers in a season and he’s the first Tiger to hit 40 homers since Cecil Fielder. When reached for comment, Cecil said, “Hey, Prince, call me sometime. I’m your father. Blubber runs through our veins!”
Clayton Kershaw – The prayer triangle worked again! He was diagnosed with a hip impingement. That sounds like when a large person gets stuck in a turnstile at an amusement park, but it’s good news. He could pitch by the end of this month.
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer. That’s the Mr. Brady homer. If you’re going by the phone keys.
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer. He now has 3 homers in the last ten games and is batting near .350 in the last week. For Beckham, he may as well be walking on the moon. Feet that don’t touch the ground, or hardly make any sound. Beckham’s walking on the moon.
Krispie Young – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his right quad. He said he liked his left quad better and then his right quad was like, “I don’t need this crap, I’m aggravated!” Can we just pretend Krispie never came back from his early season shoulder injury?
Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. His peripherals are nearly identical to last year only his ERA bumped up almost a run. As expected, he’s more of a 3.75 to 4.00 ERA guy rather than a sub-3. I imagine next year he’ll be drafted exactly as he is, which is a number three fantasy starter.
Carlos Gonzalez – He thought he might be able to start yesterday’s game, but he was scratched after he couldn’t run at 100%. Hanley Ramirez hasn’t run at full speed since his rookie year, get on the field!
David Huff – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER. He was a hot name bandied about in the comments because of the Stream-o-Nator. As Rudy mentioned on a podcast a few weeks ago, small sample sizes are gonna wreck a bit of havoc on the Stream-o-Nator. When it sees 5 scoreless innings and that’s it, it starts thinking you’re Cy Young in The Fly machine with Lefty Grove.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-5 with his 5th homer. Not bad since he’s only played in 32 games. Oh, just face it, I’m gonna be excited about him next year. For now, he’s hitting near .300 in the last eight games with 2 homers. It’s not Mike Schmidt Jr., but it’s not terrible.
Danny Espinosa – MRI showed only a bruise and Espinosa hopes to return on Wednesday. Wednesday called and said I hope so, because I have Brock Freakin’ Holt starting at middle infield.
Nate Eovaldi - 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Whoa, whoa, whoa, pardner! Here’s me the last three months, “Nate Eovaldi is good, but no one will let him throw more than 100 pitches or past the 5th inning.” So, in the Marlins’ infinite wisdom, they wait until the games mean nothing and throw Eovaldi for 8 innings and 114 pitches? That’s crazy…like an Ozzie!
Steve Cishek - 1/3 IP, 3 ER. From the Showtime series, The Franchise, we learned Steve Cishek is scared of the dark, so he better install some lights in Ozzie’s doghouse.
Giancarlo Stanton – Will be rested until Friday with soreness in his left side. I hope I didn’t hurt him when I poured hot wax on his soft, supple skin. Oh, wait, this is fantasy baseball not baseball fantasies. My bad!
Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.71 and hand the Astros their 100th loss. There’s always next year, Houston, when you’re in a division with the Rangers, A’s and Angels. It’s only the best AL division that has been beating the AL at a .589 clip since the ASB. Maybe the M’s and ‘Stros can start their own division. Call it the Weird AL division.
Cameron Maybin – Sat out yesterday with a sore Achilles. He said, “It’s hard to walk right… At you baby… But here’s my number… So call me, Maybin?”
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and now hitting near .450 in the last week. He hasn’t shown a lot of power (thanks, Petco!), but he’s looking like he could be a .300 hitter by next year. For right now, he’s a hot schmotato that I’d grab if I needed some counting stats and average.
Chris Nelson - 2-for-3 with a steal, hitting .500 over the last week as he continues to hit the cover off the ball. Roy Hobbs, “Hey, that’s my shtick!”
Wilin Rosario – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as he hit his 25th homer to tie a Rockies rookie record. He did miss a few catchable balls that were ruled wild pitches. He easily leads the majors leagues with twenty passed balls and said after the game, “Every ball I miss, you can see that most of the time I don’t miss that same ball again. It might be a different one, but it’s not the same one.” So when he goes to pick up the passed ball, he’s not kicking it away. That’s good.
Tim Lincecum – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks to get his ERA below 5 for the first time all year. Yes, it’s been a weird year. On the bright side, he’s sporting an ERA right around 3 since the All-Star Break. That was your mind on drugs, this is not.
Marco Scutaro – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, now batting near .500 in the last week, and he brought pasta back from Asia.
Erasmo Ramirez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Was a big time grab by the Stream-o-Nator (117!), but Wilhelmsen forked over the win and gave up two inherited runs that were tacked onto Erasmo’s line. Now the Stream-o-Nator and Wilhelmsen are gonna have words. And it’s not gonna be pretty.
Corey Hart - He reported no progress with his foot. A stalemate, huh? Has he tried to offer it a new pair of socks? Corey said, “I will not negotiation with my feet!” Okay, dude, take it easy.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Start looked even better on my team before Cishek took the business end of a toilet bowl brush and rubbed my stats with it.
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th steal with six steals stolen off Barajas in the game (3 from Braun). See, Dr. Dre was right: B******s ain’t sh*t. At least I think the title of that song is really about Barajas.
Erick Aybar – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and a steal. He’s hitting near .500 in the last week with 3 steals. He learned everything he knows from Mike Trout.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer since his return from the DL. When he hits homers, he hits them in bunches like a horny monkey.
Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s now strung together four straight quality starts, after facing the Lastros twice, the Cubs and the Pirates. He’ll get the Dodgers and Pirates in his final two starts. I’m Bailey-shy because of how many times he’s burned me, but those aren’t two terrible starts.
Jeremy Hellickson – 4 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Po’ Sawx. This game didn’t fit into any narrative I could have imagined early yesterday. Hellickson doesn’t strike people out and the Red Sox are dealing with The Curse of Johnny Pesky. Hellickson, you bewilder me and not in the good way like a random girl on the street saying, “I fancy mustaches.”
A.J. Griffin - 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Today I didn’t even start A.J. I got to say it was a good day.
Coco Crisp - Left yesterday’s game with pink eye. GLAAD said they were proud of Coco’s stand against Yunel.