According to Wikipedia, the Dozens is a game of spoken words between two contestants, common in African-American communities, where participants insult each other until one gives up. Yesterday, we got a fantasy baseball version. Felix Hernandez started in on Max Scherzer first, “Your name sounds like a character from a Michael Chabon novel!” Scherzer lobbed back, “You could throw a no-hitter and lose!” F-Her redoubled his efforts, “You need two sets of colored contacts!” Scherzer stepped back and threw, “You’re gonna be traded to the Orioles for Erik Bedard!” F-Her fired back, “Your first baseman is so fat his blood type is Ragu!” “Oh, yeah? Well, your center fielder is The Big FraGu!” F-Her threw 8 shutout innings with 12 Ks against one of the best offenses in the game; Scherzer gave up one run with 12 Ks against one of the worst. Both: Great. Winner: Last night, it was F-Her. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Jays. Last year, his Ks were lackluster, which is also the worst thing you can say to Michael Bay. “Hey, Michael, that wasn’t a blockbuster that was a lackluster!” Bay, “From my films, I may appear to be a cyborg with no feelings, but that hurts.” In 2012, Quintana threw a 136 1/3 innings and had a 5.35 K/9. That’s embarrassingly bad. That’s like taking your shoes off at your girlfriend’s parent’s house and revealing a hole in your socks, your feet smell, and you have a Little Mermaid ankle tattoo. Quintana has always been solid with control. He just needed some Ks. This year…Through 17 2/3 IP…. He has… Wait for it…Here it comes… Wait, did I leave it in my other pants? No, here it is in my other pocket… He has 17 Ks in 17 2/3 IP. That’s good, over-the-internet friend. He’s throwing about one mile per hour faster, too. Granted, this is all small sample size stuff. Want a bigger sample size? That’s what he said (right before he was slapped)! Last year through his first 104 1/3 IP, he had a 2.76 ERA and 1.17 WHIP. If he has those ratios in addition to strikeouts, you might be the first person to hear about him, but won’t be the last.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 1 run. Still has yet to go hitless since I recommended him! (Yes, that was only two days ago.) Veni vidi Viciedo, for our Latin Americans.
Tyler Flowers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd home run. Average is down to .195, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s where it is come September.
J.A. Happ – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Happ happens.
Oswaldo Arcia – The wannabe guido, Darin Mastroianni hit the DL with an ankle injury. His brother, Capicola, says he just wants his momma’s attention. Hey, Mastroianni, snap out of it! Whatever the case, Oswaldo Arcia, my new favorite prospect in the world was recalled almost as quickly as he was sent down after his last call-up. Following? Good! Oswaldo’s got solid power and I’d grab him for some sweet upside flyer goodness.
Didi Gregorius – The Gregorius D.I.D won’t be an everyday player, according to the Diamondbacks front office. Their exact words were, “If we can’t trade away our prospects for fifty cents on the dollar, we will impede their growth.”
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. Au Shizz!
Joel Hanrahan – Red Sox said Hanrahanananananan isn’t guaranteed the closer job when he returns. Yeah, I said that five days ago. If Bailey has success over the next two weeks, it might be Hanrahanananananan, Hanrahanananananan, hey, hey, hey, goodbye.
Mike Carp – 3-for-3 with two doubles and a triple. At least one fish is hitting. I’m looking in your direction, Trout!
Alfredo Aceves – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Meh, pretty mediocre start. Maybe what turns me off is his name translates to Cream of Aceves, but I’m not buying.
Cameron Maybin – To the DL with a wrist injury. Must be from jerking off fantasy owners with high expectations.
Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and a slam and legs. The legs is a gimme, but a slam? Off Kershaw? I blame Quentin.
Chris Denorfia – 1-for-6 with a homer. Chris Denorfia, the guy with the same name as the girl I went to prom with, is now playing every day with Maybin sidelined. Denorfia went 3-for-6 with a steal on Tuesday and yesterday showed the power. Could be a quick fill-in for runs and a hot bat.
Kyle Blanks – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Topps should do one of those novelty cards like in the 80’s where they put two unlike people together with Altuve and Blanks. Only Blanks is carrying him in a Baby Bjorn.
Francisco Rodriguez – Signed by the Brewers. Another guy with save goggles. Since the Brewers are currently rocking The Muppeteer and Axford in set-up, Dor-K could see some saves down the road. Remember, he wasn’t great replacing Axford last year, so there’s no guarantee here. I’d grab him up like he grabbed up his father-in-law for NL-Only leagues.
Yuniesky Betancourt – 1-for-2 and his 2nd game in a row with a home run. Well, he could… Ugh, sorry, just can’t build any enthusiasm for him.
Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Take that, 29 other teams who didn’t want him! Scott Boras texted that to me.
Danny Espinosa – 50/50 to play Friday. As long as I don’t have to sit through the movie 50/50 again, it’s all good news.
Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-3, 2 run, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run. If someone points out he’s doing better than Salvador Perez, I will jump out my window. Granted, it’s on the 1st floor, but I could turn an ankle.
Bryce Harper – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, now hitting .364 as he returned from a small bout with the flu bug. The bug’s name was Charlie and he now wears it around his neck with his shark tooth necklace.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. He seems like he’s going to be solid until around August when he tires and then a few weeks later he’ll be shut down. If you have him, I’d consider him a solid number three with two upside. I.e., you done good.
Chris Capuano – Hit the DL. At first it sounded like it would be Capudia-a-dia, but now more like dos Capusemanas.
Travis Hafner – Hit his 4th home run. He would lead all of my fantasy teams for homers. *gets into downward facing dog, chanting* It’s still early.
Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-4 with a steal. Ugh, I should’ve held onto him. I blame it on my chronic rosterbating. Leads to staff chaffing and feeling guilty.
Wade Davis – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. The biggest takeaway from this start by Davis is you should start any pitcher who has Doug Eddings behind home plate. As our fantasy football writer, Sky, said yesterday, “Eddings averaged 15.8 K/9 called in 2011. He was letting pitches that were both off the plate and high on the right side get called strikes. If I had a dollar for every ball that was called a strike, I’d have $20, which is $19.99 more than Grey is paying me. Bring back penny candy, Sky’s got a penny burning a hole in his pocket!”
Kelvin Herrera – 1 IP, 1 Hit, no runs. I held onto him after his disastrous 3-homer inning on Tuesday, and this one was a nail biter… Sorry, Cougs! What, I didn’t say whose nails.
Greg Holland – Got the save with the Kimbrel! Me and my faja would like to welcome back, Holland, the gold member of my relievers. He loves gooooooold.
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 0.95. Mi-Mi that’s pretty.
Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Looking like he’s rounding into form as a solid, if unspectacular, back-end fantasy starter. And that’s my Vogelsong to you.
Domonic Brown – Left yesterday’s game after he tweaked his back. For now, he’s listed as day-to-day, which is better than minute-to-minute but worse than week-to-week.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to tout a guy all preseason, watch him do well in the early going, then see he’s owned by my nemesis, Rudy. I don’t have to wonder too hard, since I’m living it.
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 8 Ks. Apricot Juice nearly went unblemished (unlike his arms). You want to put down any sharp objects before reading this next line: Burnett leads the National League in strikeouts.
Chris Tillman – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Way to give the Rays confidence that they can hit! Shelley Duncan is an imposing figure, if he’s trying to high-five you. Not if he’s hitting. Tillman should’ve had a better start than this. I still like him, but his season ERA sits at 7.07. It’ll depend on the depth of your league on whether you should hold him. I would try to, but I’d also bench him until he shows something.
Matt Moore – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 1.00. If you have him as your one and only ace, as I suggested, you got nad props, which is what the saying “mad props” originally was when Oscar Wilde first used it in the 1890’s.
Kelly Johnson – 2-for-5 and a solo homer, his 3rd of the year and 2nd in as many games. You know what I’m gonna say, right? Rhymes with pot blowtato.
Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners (1 walk), 5 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post. I started Masterson in this game, so I couldn’t watch it for fear my ticker would give out. I wonder how a pitcher gives up 11 hits in 5 innings and only 4 earned runs. It seems mathematically impossible.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1 steal. V.I.C.I. would approve of this small wonder.
Carlos Pena – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last two days. When he gets hot, he can hit five to seven homers in the matter of ten days. No pleasure, no Pena.
Bud Norris – 2/3 IP, 6 ER. An admittedly terrible start, but while I was watching this game via Houston’s telecast it had me thinking, the Astros announcers are incredible with their ability to sugarcoat a poor situation. They should hire out their talents in the offseason. Have some bad news to break? Don’t fear, hire the Astros announcers! “That girl you caught your husband in bed with was his secretary but, Alan Ashby, tell them how much time they have left in their life to find someone else.” Gotta bring home a bad report card to your folks? Don’t fear, here’s Geoff Blum, “This marking period for Billy had a tough schedule.” Burned the meatloaf? “Don’t worry, Jose Altuve is coming to the plate in two more innings.”