Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue. Who was the first surgeon to operate on him? Dr. Nick Riviera? Hey, boys and three girls! Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo. Giddy up, snitches! The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right? I mean, probably. Can’t put anything over on that sly fox. And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb. And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox. If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee. Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious. If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices. “Why’s everyone in my living room? I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.” “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?” “No! He makes me feel special! I hate all of you!” “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!” That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices. Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine. Right. So let him play a few days, then you trade him. He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady? You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders. You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008).
Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer was removed from the game with an ankle contusion after he ran into an outfield wall. Pending the seriousness of the injury, the wall may now be known as The Wailing Wall of Milwaukee.
Jason Bartlett – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 2 steals, 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
Cameron Maybin – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs. That’s so Maybin!
Tim Stauffer – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. After not feeding a hodgepadre after midnight, what’s the next most important rule? Don’t start them in away games.
Edinson Volquez – 4 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Guys and three girl readers, I want to formally apologize, or apologise if you use the Queen’s oldfangled spelling, for pushing anyone to draft this schmohawk. When you can’t go into Houston and pitch well, you’re meat. Now hang this jerky out to dry.
Drew Stubbs – The King of Slam & Legs doffed his crown and screamed, “As you were, peasants!”
Al Alburquerque – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Santa K, even you’ve turned on me? For shame. *shakes fist at the sky* For shame!
Geovany Soto – His strained groin has forced him to the DL. Sounds like an injury that would sideline a porn actress.
Matt Garza – He’ll be mentioned in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who should be better. It’s an extravaGarza!
Adam Jones – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs. He’s hitting .286 with 5 homers and 4 steals on the year. That, friend, was a surprise to me because I swear I get at least 4 comments a day about dropping him. He’s on a 25/15 pace. That’s Pence-ish. What’s the major malfunction here?
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. You know how you say reliable in Japanese? Toyota. But it could be Kuroda.
Hong-Chih Kuo – To the DL with an anxiety disorder. Maybe you get to take days off for this shizz in Taiwan, but where I come from, we bottle up our emotional issues and play like crazy until we have a heart attack and die prematurely.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, back-to-back games with a homer while batting .358. Sure, it won’t last but that matters? Rhetorical!
David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. You know who is annoyed he avoided Price this year? This guy!
Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Ream me up Scotty!
Matt Capps – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Nathan hasn’t given up a run in almost two weeks. Um, that’s only three appearances. Not now, Random Italicized Voice.
Jason Kubel – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Prolly a tad late on talking about Kubel. I’m *pinkie to mouth* Kubelated. Not sure what eggs you got in your outfield basket, but right now Kubel’s a good egg. Usually, I find he has salmonella. (BTW, I’m waiting for someone to name their daughter Salmonella. Hopefully it doesn’t then go viral.)
Eric Hosmer – He hit his 1st homer. Guess what else? *taps finger, scratches chin, trims mustache, plucks nose hair* Give up? He’s batting third!
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 6 baserunners (1 Hit), 6 Ks. Now has an ERA of 3.38. Quite a change from Ass Jack’s 2010. His walk-rate is in the vicinity it was the last time he had a respectable year, so it’s possible he keeps it going. (Relatively, he’s not more than a 3.75 ERA pitcher.)
Ryan Madson – Recorded his 5th save, has an ERA of 0.60. “That whole ‘he doesn’t have what it takes to close’ thing was an obvious motivational tactic. Dur.” That’s what the Phils pitching coach will say any day now.
Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER. As we learned last August, when Nunez goes south, he goes monkey-fightin’ south fast. Mike Dunn would be the handcuff. Then if he gets the job, after every save you can scream, “Mmm…Dunn!” and throw your mitt in the air like Jesse Orosco, because you wear a glove to watch baseball games, even at home.
Rajai Davis – 4-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with 2 steals. Somebody’s got the fever for the SAGNOF!
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER with the blown save. I love you, Kimbrel, so why do you hate the ones you love?
Ian Desmond – 2-for-6 with 2 steals to bring his total up to 12. Wow, is he gonna go 10/30 this year? Cause that would be huge. (Be even nicer if he hit .270. But that’s quibbling! Or is it?! No, actually it’s not. Seriously, get to .270.)
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs when he was ejected for arguing with the home plate ump. Went something like this, “Taste great!” “Less filling!” Well, you know Miggy — he always wants to stick around after the last call.