Already thin 3rd base position just got a lot thinner with Pablo Sandoval breaking his hamate bone. When Sandoval first heard the bad news, he pulled a half-eaten ham bone out of his pocket and asked if the doctor could insert it in the injured bone’s place. He couldn’t. Sandoval now knows how Rikki Lake feels when she lost all that weight then lost her job. Sometimes fatty boombalatties are best to stay fatty boombalatties. Hey, I don’t make the world, I just live in it. So, Sandoval will miss up to 2 months with surgery and rehab. His blimpotence was already an issue and hamate bone breaks tend to zap power further. It’s not a good day to own Sandoval. Yesterday wasn’t very good either. Tomorrow probably won’t be much better. Then on Wednesday…Well, you get the point. When Mark DeRosa returns, he stands to see an increase in ABs, for those in NL-Only leagues who just need counting stats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Zimmerman – Will miss 6 weeks with a tear of the rectus muscle in his abdomen. Why does he have an anus in his stomach?
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Only has a 4.29 ERA with plenty of time to have a 3.50-3.75 ERA on the year. Cust kayin’.
Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now has back-to-back solid starts. Really see no reason why he can’t be as good as billed in the preseason.
Kendrys Morales – According to reports, Kendrys is not returning anytime soon. Might want to think about adding an -ucks onto the end of his first name. This is a boost for Trumbo. Could be in line for steady playing time until the All-Star break.
Jon Rauch – Blue Jays manager, who is supposedly named John Farrell, said Rauch is his closer if push came to shove. Should get a neck tattoo that says, “SAGNOF!”
Jose Bautista – Left with neck stiffness after he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.
Rajai Davis – 5 steals this weekend. Sonavabench! Couldn’t you have returned on Monday after I changed my weekly lineup?
Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, and his 4th homer this week, batting .282 on the year. And that’s how quickly a bust can turn around his season this early in the year.
Jered Weaver – Missed his start because of a virus. That’s what happens when you try to download porn from malware-infested sites.
Kevin Youkilis – Out with an aggravated hip, which sounds like an album title from a 90’s group like Big Head Todd & the Monsters. “Off our Aggravated Hip album, we’d like to play our song, “My Soul Starts With So.”
Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks as he hit .176 this week with no homers or RBIs. Member two weeks ago when the Sons of Sam Horn came out of the woodwork to post in the comments how I was selling Lowrie short and he was the best thing since the gay porn reveal episode of The Real World? Yeah, where are all those people now praising Jed?
Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks and will be sent right back down. Too bad, so sad.
Jake McGee – Was optioned to Triple-A. His over/under for saves this year just got a lot more under.
James Shields – Struck out 12 on Saturday. [Grey's stupid] I’m glad I liked him for a bounce back this year yet didn’t draft him anywhere. [/Grey's stupid]
Matt Joyce – Hitting in the 4 hole, which is the left nostril if you’re on a porn set, and batting .412 over the last week with 2 homers. You have to bench him vs. lefties but he’s destroying righties, and there’s, uh, more righties, so there’s that.
Jose Tabata – Out with hamstring tightness. I have “You better come back soon and hit better than you have been” tightness.
Alex White – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Didn’t look terrible. Yeah, not a huge compliment. Honestly, it’s hard to get crazy excited about an Indians rookie pitcher in mixed leagues. In AL-Only leagues, you’re obviously on board. In mixed leagues, baby, I’m bored.
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. As mentioned last week, we picked Masterson up for a spot start, but because he pitched so well we held onto him. He now has an ERA of 2.25 and a 1.15 WHIP. Yeah, who needs Liriano and Gallardo? You POS’s.
Craig Kimbrel – Had back-to-back rough outings this weekend, but his stuff is still lights out and his manager gave him a vote of confidence. I’m not worried. Venters is worth owning but just because he’s a top middle man.
Derek Lowe – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.45 BAC.
Bud Norris - 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. Here’s what I said in the preseason rankings, “You want a guy that could be this year’s Jonathan Sanchez? Here ya go. I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways. He could strikeout 200 while having a walk rate north of 4, a WHIP north of 1.45 and an ERA north of 4.50.” And that’s me quoting me! So far the walks have been kept in control — literally! — and because of that his ERA and WHIP ain’t too shabby.
Jason Bourgeois – Now has 8 steals in only 36 at-bats and could see more time with Lee out. Since he’s making the best of his opportunities, guess you could say Bourgeois is a capitalist.
Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (no walks), 7 Ks. His ERA is up to 4.64 but his xFIP doesn’t look that bad. Too bad I’m not in any fantasy leagues that use xFIP.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, hitting .295 on the year in the heart of the Cubs order and has 5 RBIs on the year. How is that possible? Not rhetorical. Seriously, what the eff?
Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs. At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & legs. Now has 5 homers (or Morneau +4) and 6 steals. Pretty nice start for a guy I wasn’t a fan of. A lot better than that other schmohawk I wanted no part of Martin Prado (2 HRs, 1 SB, .252 average). Somehow Aviles is only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues. Yeah, I have no idea either.
Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 walks), 1 K. Now has 15 walks to 20 Ks in 37 1/3 innings. So, yes, I would own him, but it’s not all peaches and cream.
Luke Scott – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 days. Luke Scott should be picked up immediately after he hits one home run because it’s guaranteed he’ll hit at least 5 more within the next week.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Now has a 7.20 ERA as things have gotten hairy for Ubaldo.
Fernando Salas – Tony La Russa obviously gets a ten percent commission on all FAAB dollars spent speculating on Cardinal closers. There’s no Cardinals closer, unless you count the hybrid, Fernchell Frankchez.
David Freese – Suffered a broken bone in his hand and now Freese is on ice. Pun Master P, “Brilliant!” Freese will be out for a while, which will give La Russa ample opportunity to play a ton of schmohawks at third base. If anyone can get Nick Punto 400 at-bats, it’s TLR.
Robinson Cano – Left the game after he hurt his hand. X-rays came back negative which is actually positive. Weird!
Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Now has an 1.63 ERA on the year. Still wouldn’t trust him in away games in most leagues, but I would definitely own him and run him out there in Petco. They’re Hodgepadres, ya’ll, just don’t feed them after midnight.
Hanley Ramirez – Hit his first home run of the year. Another guy that’s breathing down Melky’s neck.
Chris Coghlan – Shoulder woes forced him out of action for a few days and it’ll bother him all year or until he has surgery. Always sad when a marginal player gets marginally worse. Well, not really.
Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 6 ER. Seems like this is always the case with Gavin Floyd. Good start, good start, good start, terrible start. It’s like a form of Duck, Duck, Goose. Only it’s goose eggs, goose eggs, goose eggs, duck!