I read a press release that Universal had greenlit the new buddy cop movie, Ham and Moobs, but I thought it was the usual PR stunt. When I heard they cast Kirsten Dunst as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, who would be helping take Josh Willingham from loner without a job in Minnesota to new heights in Kansas City, where she would be sneaking him onto a plane to go — surprise! — parachuting and slipping him into a cage of alligators to get over his fear of being eaten alive, I was hooked! That Dunst girl will annoy the pants off you! So, The Other White Meat moves to KC, and I hear the Royals made the trade simply by pressing this button. This doesn’t hurt Wilingham’s value, but it doesn’t necessarily help it either. He’ll be the majority shareholder of the Royals DH slot and could be good for a little pop here and there, but not worth owning in most mixed leagues unless he’s hot. This does open the way for Kennys Vargas to remain the Twins DH and I’m a big fan of his. Both of his. All the Kennys you got. Every one of them. Okay then. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before I get into today’s post, I have some news. The Guru vanished. No idea where he went. One moment he was on the Razzball tour, next moment he was talking to a group of bears dressed as swimsuit models luring him into their car. You also catch more Gurus with honey, apparently. I await the A. A. Milne book with Guru in the Pooh gang. Any the hoo! The Football RCL signups are still underway, but if you joined one of Guru’s leagues, you need to sign up for a new football league. Repeat, there will be no Guru leagues; he got in a Hyundai filled with masquerading bears. Anyway II, the roundup:
Michael Wacha – Throwing from 120 feet. Hopefully, he doesn’t get a nosebleed.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 5 ER. Really hope you didn’t fall for the ol’ banana in the tailpipe.
Jon Jay – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer and 2nd in the last three games, and hitting near-.350 in the last week. Federalisztomania!
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (30, 31). Only five more! Okay, now I want ten more. I’m greedy, y’all!
Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 14th steal. Yelich played with a heavy heart yesterday after learning the guy from Aladdin passed. When he’s old enough, he hopes to check out Good Morning Vietnam, but if it’s just Good Morning America with Vietnamese subtitles, then no thank you. Shazbot forever.
Casey McGehee – 2-for-4 and his third steal. Casey, you better watch your speed.
Rafael Montero – Will start today for the Mets in place of Jacob deGrom, who is hitting the DL. So far in the majors, Rafael has been hot garbage on a hot surface orbiting around the world’s largest toilet, so I’d take a wait and see approach to see if he surprises. Rafael and his buddy turtles surprised me at the box office though, so you never know.
Noah Syndergaard – A Mets beat writer — Hey, that’s not a turnip, that’s red! Get your root vegetables straight! — says the Mets probably won’t promote Syndergaard this year. I’m guessing that means we won’t see him until June of next year.
Jeurys Familia – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the save. Mejia has a hernia — YOUCH! — but that doesn’t mean anything. Doode’s got brass balls like on an 80s exec’s desk that bounce back and forth and clank and clank and clank. Sounds to me like Mejia will try to pitch through his hernia, fail and hit the DL. I’d grab Familia if I needed saves. He has a 1.97 ERA, even if yesterday he didn’t look pitch black. Eh, maybe I shouldn’t have used a thesaurus for ‘lights out.’
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.46. He always pitches well in day games. Hard to hit with the ball going in and out of his nose shadow.
Darin Ruf – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Who let the dongs out? Ruf, Ruf, Ruf, Ruf, Ruf!
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45, which is SHE on an upside down calculator, which wasn’t voiced by Scarlett Johansson, who was married to Ryan Reynolds, who dated Alanis Morissette, who has a song Hand in my Pocket, which is what I sing when I’m looking at Scarlett Johansson. Coincidence? Puh-lease.
Drew Hutchison – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Why, what a nice shady looking man to buy me a drink. I’ll just have one sip then it’s off… *five hours later* Hey, how come I’m hanging with a bunch of ducks in a Chinese restaurant’s window? Is that my blood draining out of me or the ducks? The ducks or me?! Ah, roofied!
Robinson Cano – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hitting .333 on the year, but it’s kinda crazy how off his power has been in Safeco. Every stadium that ends in co, move your fences in 15 feet! You too, Metco.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting near-.300 in the last week, and has three homers in the last ten games. Catcher questions begin in 3, 2, 1…
Andrew McCutchen – After almost a week of speculation, McCutchen was finally placed on the 15-day DL with a fractured rib. I think the doctors just liked the idea of debating the McRib.
Gerrit Cole – Threw well in his last start, but he only tossed 73 pitches, which means he’s one more good rehab start away or he’ll start for the Pirates in his next start and only go five innings. Sucks if you owned him this year. Excuse me, if you had to endure him. Next year I have a feeling there’s going to be nice value found with him. We shall see! Or not. Your choice.
Ike Davis – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer and Travis Snider went 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (8, 9). These don’t seem related, but once Ike gets off the Snide, good things happen for both.
Jordy Mercer – 2-for-4 and hitting over .400 in the last week. Jordache (proper name) is a hot schmotato!
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd steal as he hit in the six hole, which is porn for the left earlobe. Not sure why Marte’s down at 6th. Russell Martin, or Russell The Muscle as Alyssa from Los Angeles calls him, hit a homer yesterday (1-for-4, 2 RBIs), but he really needs to hit third with The Dread Pirate out? Rhetorical! Of course, he doesn’t.
Justin Verlander – 1 IP, 4 ER and left the start with a sore shoulder. Finally, a reason for him to go to the Disgraceful List. He’s never missed a start before in his career, physically. Mentally, he looked like he checked out sometime in April. Perhaps the allure of Kate Upton and her stories growing up with brothers, Justin and B.J., proved too distracting.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 27th steal. The King of SAGNOF made a decree that anyone caught stealing will have their grapes cut off. Not those grapes, he means the grapes Jarrod Dyson hand-feeds the SAGNOF court.
Alex Rios – Still has soreness in his ankle, and is visiting the team physician, Dr. Keith Meister. The Keith Meister! Rios says he’s going to play today, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Rios hits the DL at some point soon. The only thing that seems to be stopping that from happening is the Rangers are trying to trade him for 30 cents on the dollar. Keep your three dimes, other teams!
Drew Smyly – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Arguably his best start of the year. Well, arguably if you happen to be in the Drew Smyly Fan Club chapter in Lake George, New York. They’re ornery up there! I’m not a huge fan of The Emoticon, but the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start and I concur. I’m a concurring fool!
Cole Figueroa – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and played 2nd base because Maddon spun his Buddy Holly glasses and the earpieces were pointing at Figueroa.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week, raising his season average to .287 and raising the likelihood of him saying “Heavens to Betsy Zobrist!” to 12%.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, which comes after a 4 IP, 4 ER start. Call him Dr. YoGa, because he’s always stretching patience.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4 and two steals (26, 27). Today’s topic for the Inglewood High School Debate & Speech Club, pros and cons of using CarGo to only refer to Carlos Gomez. No, I don’t mean that type of refer.
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer, hitting .205. I love the bravery that Mini Donkey has shown trying to fill-in for Prince Fielder. If only his bravery didn’t involve him swinging wildly at things in the dirt.
Jake Arrieta – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. On my RCL team, he’s thrown 62 1/3 IP and has a 2.17 ERA and a 0.79 WHIP with 66 Ks. Yes, I benched him in Coors. Started him every other time. I have released the inseam!
Manny Machado – Left yesterday’s game after injuring his knee on a swing. His knee buckled and it…Well, it didn’t look good. I’d suggest you don’t look at the picture I’m about to link to. In fact, the stronger I suggest you don’t look at it, the more you’ll want to. So, don’t ever, ever, ever look at it. It’s terrible. Faces of Death I thru IV has nothing on this. Okay, here it is. It took everything in my power to not Rick Roll you there. He’ll undergo tests today, but for right now the O’s are saying a sprained knee. He’ll definitely miss at least two weeks. My guess is he’ll miss a month.
Chris Davis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer as he replaced Machado. He’s done a lot of damage to his fantasy value this year, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing if he plays another two weeks at 3rd base.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Nothing to see here, 2015 sleepers must be protected at all costs.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer. Six weeks ago, I said to sell him when he had 20 homers and hitting .315. In the two and half months since, 11 homers and hitting .218 in 238 at-bats. Yup.
Michael Pineda – Confirmed to start on Wednesday. What’s the over/under here? 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER? 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER? 5 IP, 3 ER, leafs, grass and other debris sticking to his pine-tar-covered hand?
Danny Santana – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .322. Holy Danny Santanas, Batman! Batman has Alcides and was too slow grabbing Santana. Aw, Batman.
Tommy Milone – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. Maybe another two months of starts like this and I’ll consider him next March. Maybe. Talk about the worst cliffhanger. Oh, no, what’s Grey going to think of Milone next March?! I have to know. Shut up, Random Italicized Voice.
Jordan Schafer – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 5th steal and that’s his fifth steal in the last six games he’s played! Love when a guy is trying to show his club his worth. SAGNOF, you baller!
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 26th homer, and his 5th homer in the last nine games. He could hit 35 homers this year. Wouldn’t surprise me. Truth is out there. Somewhere. The truth texted me five minutes ago and said it was almost here.
Jake Marisnick – 4-for-4. He’s a long-time favorite of mine, without that much reason, but I’m watching him like a cyclops with a monocle so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, and his 5th homer. Let’s here for the boy-man! Oh, let’s give the boy-man a hand (so he can reach the cereal)!
Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Julio Teheran (7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks). The Correia/Teheran matchup proved that you never know who has WMDs. I liked Teheran better as a summer resort than he’s been in the last two starts. If it’s any consolation (it’s not), relievers let in two runs tagged onto his line, so he went from a wonky Quality Start to just wonky.
Carl Crawford – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting near-.350 in the last week with no power and one steal. From the Crawford Mustang to the Crawford MustresthislegsinEpsonsalt.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Yes, if Walt Weiss wasn’t injured in the medulla oblongta, Dickerson would be a 20/15 guy with a .310+ average. Shoot, he may get there even after platooning for a month of the season.
Everth Cabrera – Will have an MRI today. If only at your draft, you skipped EverCab and went with KlUber.
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer on the Padres, and ninth homer this year. Solarte has a nice little niche carved out for himself. Guy on waivers that looks good that you won’t ever pick up.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Where’s the majority of 1st basemen’s fantasy value? Over Yonder.
Jesse Hahn – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ah, the slow fade into hoping he’s shutdown. Terrific.
Jeff Francoeur – Padres designated him for assignment. Should be a rule that when the Padres DFA you, you should have to get out of baseball. Frenchy could open a little bistro, As Good As It Baguettes. He can serve freedom fries, French Onion Soup served by Dave Campbell and Frenchy’s Toast that you can try to not love, but resistance is futile.