Looks like Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez are doing the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. Then they started screaming for Dexter Fowler to do the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. It’s just a dive to the left, a foul ball to the right, put your hands on your hips and yell, “Ow, that smarts!” Let’s do the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. Let’s do the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. You feel your knee get tight. You can’t make a pelvic thrust. Owning these guys really drives you insane. Let’s do the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. As of right now, CarGo’s day-to-day after being pulled from the game with a bruised ankle after taking a foul ball off it from Pacheco. I’ve seen that game on Price is Right and don’t recall “Knock A Top 10 Hitter Out Of The Game” as one of the outcomes. Fowler’s day-to-day with a bruised finger after a poor attempt at a bunt. Using salt instead of sugar is also a poor attempt for a bundt. We’ll see on him. Meanwhile, Tulo’s got a broken rib. Shocker! Hopefully, he remembered his DL stamp card. He’s expected to miss 4-6 weeks. That’s two months in Tulo time. Hey, I told you to sell him. Of course, he’s hurt. When isn’t he hurt? Doode’s a joke. He broke a rib diving for a ball. Are you Mr. Glass? Sorry, if I’m not terribly sympathetic because this means… Josh Rutledge is back! The Rockies beat writer, who doesn’t write about beats, rhymes & life, but about baseball, said Rutledge was hitting the melons out baseballs down in Triple-A. I say he should’ve never been sent down! Walt Weiss thinks his team would be better with eight Brendan Ryans. Weiss should be the fielding coach for the Padres. Well, whatever, he sucks. Now, go pick up Rutledge! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Cuddyer – 1-for-4, 1 run as he returned to the lineup, which meant Colvin sat. Dah! But then CarGo got injured and Colvin went right in there. Lowercase yay, because we don’t know how long CarGo will be out.
Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Member how Ryu had a mysterious foot injury to miss a Coors start? Yeah, well, Detwiler came back after four weeks for a Coors start. He’s Detwildin’ out! Luckily that’s without having to see Nick Cannon’s stupid face. Detwiler has an under-5 K-Rate. You need around a negative 2 BB/9 to make that work right in fantasy. Some day I should do a chart of K-rates vs. walk rates. All rates that work for fantasy: 9+ K-rate with a 4+ BB/9; 8+ K/9 with a 3+ BB/9; 7+ K/9 with a 2+ BB/9; 6+ K/9 with a 1+ BB/9. Then you have rates for the top pitchers: 9+ K-rate with a 3+ or 2+ BB/9; a 8+ K/9 and 2+ or 1+ BB/9. Hey, maybe I don’t need to make a chart, there ya go! If someone has Photoshop skills, do it up and I’ll find a place on the site for it.
Stephen Strasburg – Threw a pain-free bullpen session yesterday, but Autocorrect wanted me to say he threw a piano-free session, which would also be true.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Member when he seemed like a lock for 30 homers every year? I don’t. I don’t think he was ever a lock for 30 homers. When was this? You putting me on? I didn’t start the 30 homer talk. You did!
Carlos Ruiz – Hopes to return next Friday. Ruiz will be played by Mike Epps.
Mitch Moreland – Could return in a week if all goes well this weekend when he runs the bases. Remember, less is Moreland.
Derek Jeter – After a trip to Dr. Robert Anderson, he was cleared to run. In related news, Dr. Bob’s ice cream is the best in the country. Fo shizzle my sundae. Not even joking. My face is skinny and handsome, but I am 95% ice cream.
Hiroki Kuroda – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, 2.78 ERA and 1.04 WHIP. Hiroki doki OKI DOKI! Nah, not as good as Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!
Robinson Cano – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Where do you go for the most free agent money when you already play for the Yankees? Do you hope Larry Ellison wants a baseball team on his island?
Angel Pagan – Felt good after a full day of baseball activities, including but not limited to spitting and scratching himself.
Hunter Pence – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and the slam (11) and legs (13). He then took three hours of batting practice after the game until he hit two more homers.
Gregor Blanco – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th steal. He’s a platoon player, so how about Gregor someone else?
Joaquin Arias – 3-for-5, 7 for his last 14. That’s a .500 average. Math = in head. What’s up, 4 ladies? You like a math man? It’s the Age of Arias (for average and some speed).
Buster Posey – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Giants bats really came to life last night, huh? Oh, it was against the 5th starter for the Pirates and then their longshoremen.
Matt Cain – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. There’s your answer. You stop allowing baserunners when your luck with balls hit into play goes to pot. Lincecum, “Pot? Where?”
A.J. Burnett – To the DL with a calf injury. It’s the calf with some tribal design and Chinese characters that are supposed to translate to, “To the victor, go the spoils,” but just translates to “Victory with Sylvester Stallone and Michael Caine.” Stupid wise guy tattoo artist.
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Charlie Morton says, “I got this!” Everyone else says, “You suck.” Charlie Morton hears, “You want two buck Chuck?” Charlie says, “Let’s party!” Everyone else groans. And…scene.
Starling Marte – Scratched due to a sore rib cage. He should go to Tony Roma’s. That’s the place for ribs!
Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. You think his kid tells his English teacher my dad is an adverb?
Ben Revere – 4-for-6, 2 runs and his 8th steal. He’s hitting near .400 in the last week. I’ve been dying to tell you to pick up this guy, but it seems like every time he gets hot, he turns another corner and gets cold. He looks like he’s finally there, and even Manuel sees it as he’s moved him to the top of the lineup saying, “Sizzle don’t stick on a hot pan.”
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 5 ER, 14 baserunners, 6 Ks. Still getting the Ks, but in the last four starts The Consonant Gardener’s ERA has fallen more than sixty points from 2.85 to 3.46. That ERA is more in line with what I’d expect. He’s not really a sub-3 ERA guy. He might go up to 4 or down to 3.25, but somewhere in there he lives with all his consonants.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-7, 2 runs and 2 steals and moved up again in the order. He’s been known to get hot. I can’t remember the last time that happened. But I’ve heard stories about how he stole 10 bases last April with a .333 average, and followed that up with 5 steals and a .304 average in May.
Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-5, 3 runs. Second day in a row I’ve mentioned him because of his hot bat, um, no that’s what I meant. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, because he’s here now. Don’t make me come back here!
David Price – All went well in a simulated game and the next stop is the real thing — some unsimulated action! Hopefully it goes better for him than it did for Chloë Sevigny.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 5.67. Jeremy’s gone to Hellickson in a handbasket.
Jay Bruce – 4-for-7, 1 run and a steal. Just a shout out to the JB. Doing his thang.
Jose Reyes – Hopes to head to the minors on Monday and start his assignment. Here’s hoping he brings a number two pencil!
Esmil Rogers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K. What a beautiful day in the neighborhood for Mr. Rogers. Would I own him anywhere outside of AL-Only leagues? No, I ain’t Mr. McFeeling it.
David Ortiz – 1-for-5 with his 14th homer. Before the game, he said he wouldn’t do the Home Run Derby anymore. He went on to say, “If I’m there rooting on my teammates and Chris Berman says, ‘Big Papi we want you back, back, back,’ I will punch someone.”
Mike Carp – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, 4 homers in his last 10 games and hitting over .400 in the last week. There’s one schmotato in the land as hot as Carp. That’s Lind. But the 2nd most schmotatoest schmotato in the land is Carp.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer. Look at Eric putting the S in homers!
David Lough – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Lough’s game should be speed, but so far that’s given a silent ugh.
Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. I was about to say he would’ve been a nice spot start here, but he has a 2.73 ERA on the year. He’s been a nice every start, except for the one time I had him on my team. That’s Ervin proving my Magic touch.
Jarrod Parker – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Yanks. That makes six straight solid starts. His Ks still aren’t there, but he’s definitely worth streaming in all leagues when the match-ups are right, which they are not for his next start in Arlington. I don’t care what he did in Texas his last start, and don’t talk to me about the Rangers not being that good. That’s unpatriotic. I’ll report you to Fox News.
Eric Sogard – 1-for-3 and his 4th steal in the last 3 games (though that third game happened last week). SogNOF!
Seth Smith – 3-for-8, 1 RBI. The kinda cool thing about the A’s in a real baseball way. They’re just a team. They’re like the nine musketeers. One for all, all for one win. That’s not always great for fantasy. The Lisper’s Nightmare hath played three timeth in the lath week. Th…th….Hmm, trying to rathberry my lisp.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, 2.64 ERA. Yu want some of this? Of course, Yu do. Anyone would. He has a 0.94 WHIP with 127 Ks on the year in his 14th start. He might need an injury to NOT break 300 Ks (caps for emphasis and to jinx him because I don’t own him).
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and his 16th homer. See, Braun, Cruz tests positive for fantasy value.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks to move his record to 10-3 and ERA to 2.18. Is it too soon to talk about Cy Young? It shouldn’t be, he’s been dead for 58 years.
Pete Kozma – 3-for-4, 1 run. Doesn’t his name sound like a bridge in Poland? Just go over the Kozma and make a right at Pierogis. It’ll be on your left, which is your right.
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.04. You know you’re doing pretttttay, pretttttay good when I need to look up whether or not his ERA lowered after 7 innings of one-run ball. How do I not own him in any leagues after saying to draft him in every league? I Corky Miller’d that. Damn, I wanted to get mad at myself then I caught the reflection of my mustache. Fine, you’re handsome, but I’m still mad at you, face!
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer and 2nd in as many games. I could see grabbing him for a short-term hot bat until another one presents itself. That would be you flippin’ the Byrd.
David Wright – 3-for-4. There’s some controversy surrounding Wright because the Mets reached out to CougarLife members to vote for Wright for the All-Star Game. As frequent commenter, Carnac, said, “What does the Mets lineup and CougarLife have in common? Big holes to fill.”