In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to stumble through some baseball-related drunken lullabies, (mostly) rants labeled as poetry, and a token haiku. If you read between the lines, you just may even find some potentially useful fantasy advice. See what I did there? Call me “overqualified.” Anyway, here’s to some of the players that I look to for inspiration. If this doesn’t tickle your fancy, please don’t tell me what does.
I’m no fan of the Mets, but a grand supporter of OPS
So there’s room in my heart for David Wright
If he’s still there in round three, then he’s the third baseman for me
While I locate my picture of the Wilpons, grab my dart, and let it take flight
Though his second half struggles, due to no lack of hustle, have caused many to worry
Instead, I’ll view his season as a whole to tell the full truth, the whole truth, and an all-around fascinating story
My expectation is a fairly close connection to his 2010 season, with a handful or so less home runs
His runs and rbis should lead to an elite line and, if not, I’ll continue to blame the Wilpons.
I’m expecting a big thing or two from you, Kyuji Fujikawa, but don’t ask me what rhymes with your name
Carlos Marmol will be traded for naught and reduced to an afterthought once your run at greatness begins
Saves will pile up exponentially, with at least a few a week, since the Cubs will only win close games
Your honor will be restored when The Rolaids Relief Man Award is yours, just like the great Rod Beck.
As hard as I try, Ted Lilly threatens my life, but I’m not the first nor will be the last
I plan to write praises for him and I even said he’ll win the fifth starter position on the Razzball podcast
Let’s all take a moment to acknowledge that his victims deserve better than they’ve received
From Yadier Molina to Clayton Kershaw’s hip to that little kid in the seats, to start with a notable three
Then there’s the greatest – the umpire he told “you’re embarrassing yourself” – to the latest: Zack Grienke
I’m not saying there will be an attack, but I’d watch my back if I were you, Chad Billingsley.
When did you get so old, Yankees lineup, and what are you building in there?
Are you teaching us a lesson of our own mortality or is this a bump in the road for aging heroes?
Or are all of your heads shaved so none of us will catch on to your real age, evidenced by your grey hairs?
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero
(Don’t take this as a threat, Curtis Granderson and Mark Teixeira, but I won’t draft you)
Jason Heyward – will you be my fantasy baseball savior in 2013?
Love isn’t the right word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind, since I have you on every team
I know you’ll be in a better lineup, but when are you going to start walking more?
Or are you going to sell out to the home runs, which everyone (including me) adores?
…Oh yeah, and now that I’ve taken care of Chipper Jones, who’s next?
Hey, Giancarlo Stanton, what’s wrong with Mike? I have many friends who share that moniker…
Also, take care of yourself, since I know you have many rabid fans who have become enamored
A few tips: stretch as necessary, eat your vegetables, and when asked an injury question always defer
Lastly, keep a safe distance from unsolicited assistance and all people wielding sledgehammers.
I do not trust you
P.S. Screw Flanders.